Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e04 Episode Script
Pixie Lott, Johnny Vegas, Paddy McGuinness, Paisley, Sketch
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is goin' on?!" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there is Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Phew! We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I wish it fuckin' was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Easter Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Happy Easter.
Who's on your flipping team? On my flipping team On my right, I have tattoo fixing legends Sketch and Paisley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, I have Well, an egg.
I've got an egg.
It's a special Easter egg.
I can hear a heartbeat.
It's probably ready to hatch.
(EGG SHELL CRACKS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Aww! He's an Easter chick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KEITH LAUGHS) # It's Easter # We've all dressed up # We've all dressed# (LAUGHTER) (GLUMLY) No-one's dressed up (LAUGHTER) Seriously, this shit's getting a bit dry now.
Look at me, I'm dressed up, you (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) Johnny Vegas, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, apparently, Holly Willo-boozy has gone back into rehab this week, so filling in as team captain - it's none other than my Bolton buddy, it's Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Y'all right? Good to see you as a team captain.
How's it feel? It feels lovely.
Why've you come dressed as Tom Jones in a nightie? (LAUGHTER) (AS TOM JONES) Well, I liked it.
I thought it was fresh.
(LAUGHTER) Moses is one of my favourite biblical characters.
I think he's the most righteous.
Right, OK.
Paddy, who is on your team? Well, let the pop see the star.
It's Pixie Lott.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Promoting his show?! I'm sorry, did I interject a catchphrase from my show, which starts this Saturday! (APPLAUSE) Let the mugger meet the plugger.
Who else is on your team, Paddy? It's supposed to be Gino D'Acampo, but he's not here.
Don't tell me he's got some elaborate opening, has he? # LUCIANO PAVAROTTI - La Donna E Mobile FEARNE: Oh, no.
Rabbit with lemon AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Grazie.
Thank you, guys.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (FEARNE LAUGHS) You fuckin' prick.
What's that?! What is he doing here? He is team captain.
What do you mean he is team captain? He's captain of the team.
The deal is - when one of the girls is impregnitised, I'm the captain.
(LAUGHTER) Well, you are not.
She's in rehab.
So why am I not the captain? We prefer Paddy.
(LAUGHTER) He can speak English.
Nobody can understand fucking Bolton - (MIMICS PADDY) (LAUGHTER) Gino, to make it up to you, I will let you do one of your rounds.
One of your stupid games.
Can I do the fingering round? Oh, God.
Is the fingering round Easter? It's not very Eastery.
We can do the Gino's history fingering round.
The history? (APPLAUSE) With Listerine? (LAUGHTER) (ITALIAN ACCENT) The Listerine History Eastery! Do they have to test your breath and then put a finger in your mouth? No, you put your finger out and then I put something on your finger, and you guess and you get a point.
Hey, mate, I've been to prison once.
(LAUGHTER) It's Sketch and Paisley from Tattoo Fixers, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are on the hit show Tattoo Fixers.
For anyone who's not seen it, what's the message? What is it? People basically come on with shit tattoos.
(LAUGHTER)/ What do you do? Fix 'em? Yeah! What is the weirdest place you've ever done a tattoo on? The bumhole.
A bumhole?! What? The actual fuckin' whistler?! (LAUGHTER) The worst thing is it's moving at you! (AUDIENCE GROANS) Why did you say yes? You can say no.
Is that the show? It's a bit of skin, isn't it? No, it wasn't on the show.
It's not a bit of skin, it's shitty skin! (LAUGHTER) I will show you my tattoo that I regret.
I don't know if you can do anything.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne.
Haven't I got long balls.
Why are they so down there? Eh? How did they get down there? Cos I've not got a foreskin.
I've got nowt to mess about.
So I just tug my bollocks! (LAUGHTER) Paisley, this can't be true, but it says you have a fear of potatoes.
Oh, fuck! Specifically potatoes that have gone old and have started sprouting.
Oh, yes.
Well, here at Celebrity Juice, we are all about giving back and helping No, don't you dare.
.
.
so down here Please, don't, don't.
.
.
I have a box (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) .
.
of sprouting potatoes.
You thought you were coming here tonight to play Celebrity Juice, but you are going to overcome your fear of the sprouting potato.
There they are.
They look like your balls.
Tell you what, I will give you a point for your team if you touch one of these sprouting potatoes.
I've got to touch one? Yes.
What do you think it's going to do? Bite you? (LAUGHTER) Whoa! All right, all right.
Let me come to you.
I will put it there.
You pick it up.
Just casual.
Take it slow.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done.
Very good.
I'll tell you what, Gino, I'll give you a point of your team if you eat one.
(LAUGHTER) No! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) She nearly went over the chair.
It's Pixie Lott! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pixie.
Yes? Your name's not Pixie, is it? No, but since I was a baby, I was nicknamed Pixie, because I was so small.
Your mum called you Pixie cos you looked like a little Pixie when you were born? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's lucky your mum didn't do the same, Fearne, cos you would've been called Bollock Cotton.
(LAUGHTER) Pixie.
Yes? You've got a new single out.
Yes.
It's called Baby.
It's with Austin Powers.
Anton Powers.
(LAUGHTER) Anton Powers.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) I ask everyone, but what's the message? It's a feelgood, club, feel-great - Is it a summer track? It's more dancy and summery.
That's because it's a collaboration.
So I did it with Anton Powers, who is amazing.
So it's both of our worlds mixed together.
I saw some pictures from your latest video for Baby, and I was wondering if your outfit was inspired by Gino D'Acampo's cooking.
(LAUGHTER) Oh A nice zoomed in shot.
(APPLAUSE) (BOLTON ACCENT) It took two hours and 40 minutes to get to London! It's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, what's it like being team captain so far? Well Very emotional.
I tell you.
You don't get an introduction, he's not allowed to plug anything, and you don't have to ask him a question.
He's the captain of the show.
The rule is set.
Why are we talking to him? What for? (LAUGHTER) You are so bitter.
Paddy.
Yes? You have a new series of Take Me Out which starts on Saturday.
I don't really want to talk about it.
Series 9.
Series 9, yes.
GINO: Am I allowed to talk about my new book? FEARNE: Oh, piss off.
Can you get into the spirit of this thing? How many times can you do pasta?! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, you left me a voice message on the way down to London today, didn't you? Go on.
(KEITH IMITATING PADDY ON VOICEMAIL) 'What's this about Jimmy Carr breaking a record on that ding-a-linga- dong-a-longa thing? (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) All right, see ya.
Ta-ra' (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see how good Patrick McGuinness is, as we play (APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to the Ding-a-linga-dong-a-longa-thon arena.
As we can see, we have Paddy McGuinness here.
Some exciting news, apparently, we are expecting to hear back from the Olympic Committee any day soon.
And we've got some footage.
Discussing whether or not this will be accepted into the 2020 Olympics.
In Tokyo.
There they are, discussing it now.
It looks positive to me.
It looks definitely positive.
Hopefully, this will be in the Olympics.
Are you excited about that, Patrick? Ecstatic.
Have you seen anyone playing this before? No.
So we had Tony Hadley and Jimmy Carr, both got 51 whacks in 30 seconds.
Mate, that's some going, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) You've got the counting machine thing, there.
Would you like to chalk up your pole as well? Certainly.
(LAUGHTER) Give it a good rub.
How is that for you, Madam? (LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Go on.
Come on, babes.
He's taking it steady.
Small, little thrusts.
Look at the concentration.
That's it.
He's speeding up, he's speeding up, he's speeding up.
Yes, yes, yes.
Go on.
That's it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
You've got a good rhythm going.
That's it.
I think he's going to do it.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, you didn't come far enough away from the pole.
We have disqualified a few of the dings.
But I can tell Well, Paisley will tell you how many you got.
How many did he get? Are you ready? Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) YES! YES! (APPLAUSE) That's a new world record! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I'm taking this home! (LAUGHTER) Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Love that.
Paddy, in honour of the new series of Take Me out, series 9, we're going to play a lovely game, and as it's Easter, we've merged Easter with Take Me Out, and we are going to play a fantastic new game called It's called Eat Me Out You Bastard.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOLTON ACCENT) Hello and welcome to 'Eat Me Oot'! This is the game where people get to lick out creamy goodness from a chocolate egg.
That's how you do it, don't ya? (LAUGHTER) (BOLTON ACCENT) What's going to happen here, right (PADDY LAUGHS) .
.
is you're gonna pop a chocolate egg in your 'mooth', that's right, in your 'mooth' (LAUGHTER) .
.
whilst your teammate tries to lick out cream.
Oh, God.
No.
The team with the cleanest eggs that have been licked "reet oot" will win a point for the team.
Let the point meet the team! (SPEAK GIBBERISH) (LAUGHTER) We'll go on the klaxon.
Oh, you've gone right in.
(LAUGHTER) It's in, it's in, it's in.
He's gone too deep.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (GROANS) I don't likey! (LAUGHTER) (GROANS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Let's have an action replay.
Take a look at this.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) (KEITH LAUGHS) For commitment, I'm going to give the point toPaddy's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) What is fuckin' that?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello-o-o-o! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Easter Special! Isn't Easter amazing, Paddy's team? Not after that last game, no.
You have actually ruined Easter forever.
I tell you what I love about Easter, is when we get Johnny Vegas dressed in some sort of Easter costume and we sent him out to get golden eggs that I have hidden in the studio.
So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Johnny Vegas, you know how this works.
We give you a basket, you have an allotted time to find as many golden eggs, which I have hidden about the studio.
We have a map here, which I will give to Fearne's team, and they will guide you.
You are going to go on the sound of the Easter goat.
(BLEATING) Let's go! INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE SOUNDTRACK That way, that way, that way.
Look around in the area.
There he go (INDISTINCT) Go to the little tent.
Johnny, the little tent.
It looks shit in here.
"Looks shit in here!" Johnny, look up, look up! On the ceiling! On the ceiling! Look up! How the fuck am I going to reach that? Get a chair, get a chair.
Really? Didn't think of that (!) Take it easy.
Be careful.
Johnny, you have got egg-shaped dungarees on, OK? Take it easy.
This is demeaning! Get it! He did not get it.
Come on, Johnny, focus.
Get in the zone.
(DING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look under the stairs.
Under the stairs, under the stairs.
Inside.
Oh, you have got to be joking.
What are you worried about? There is a box that says, "open me".
Not the fax machine! Oh, no! It is in a box! Johnny, Johnny.
It is in the box.
(INDISTINCT) In the massive, bloody box! Johnny, behind you, the box! Oh! Shit.
I did not touch that.
I used to work in Argos! It is like pass the parcel, come on, it is fun.
It is not fun! It is, Johnny, it is Easter fun.
You look really cute.
It is Easter fun (!) You do not even believe in Christ.
Is it there? You wankers.
That is bullshit.
Go into Holly's dressing room.
There we go.
There is an egg!/fo Get it, get it, run.
Run! (DING) Yes.
(APPLAUSE) I bit my gum.
Go in Holly's dressing room.
He can run.
Is that an egg? What is the map saying? Try the sofa! Oh, the sofa! The bench with arms.
Where you get pissed and pass out.
(DING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Naughty elf! Get off! Naughty elf! You have had it now! Don't hurt him, Johnny.
Johnny, do not hurt him.
Johnny come back to the studio, do not hurt him.
Oh, my God.
Come back to the studio, Johnny.
Do you know where I'm going to put this? Shall I go and rescue him? Shall I go and get him? Go and get him.
You dirty bastard.
Johnny, quick, come back before he hurts you.
There is Fearne to the rescue.
Get lube! I can't come back.
He is fucked, he is fucked.
I have got the eggs, get the fuck out of there.
You leave my mate alone.
Come on.
Get out of here.
Hey.
You can do it, come on.
Let's just walk out of this with some dignity.
He started it.
/f Fearne, your time is running out, come on! Everyone loved it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Me and the guy in there just really hurt each other with dildos.
Johnny, it was hard work, but I can tell you that you have got one, two, three, four points for your team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas, everyone! And the scores at the end of that round are shit-ting! Gino, at the top of the show, I did promise that you could play one of your weird rounds because you are not team capitan tonight.
So I know you have been waiting all night to play this.
Are we going to do it? Come over here and press this.
Gino, everyone.
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino! Have you ever sat here? Never.
OK, let's play Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello, I am Gino d'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastery Fingering Game.
Gino, Gino You are in the wrong spot, you idiot.
You are looking at the wrong camera and you are in the wrong spot.
There is your camera.
See that red light? Yes.
That is your camera.
Off you go.
We can cut it out, can we? Yeah, we can cut it out.
(MOUTHS) A big round of applause because we have just started.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming, everybody.
Hello.
I am Gino d'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastery Fingering Game.
Please bring on my Fingering Chair.
Thank you.
The chair goes here.
A round of applause.
You should learn how it is done.
That was good.
Good stuff? Yeah.
So, the first person to play my game is Parsley.
Paisley! It is Pai Paisley! Paisley.
Go on, Parsley, you can do it.
It is OK.
You sit on my face and be careful.
Enjoy.
I don't know how I feel about this.
No, it is OK.
Brilliant.
/fon Now I am going to blind you.
Blindfold.
Not blind.
Huh? Blindfold you.
I am going to blindfold.
Hold onto the balls there.
Oh, my God.
Argh! She has got a huge bush.
Can you see anything? I cannot see shit, babe.
OK, very good.
Everybody at home, if you want to play, it is very simple.
I have got my fingering stander right here.
Lady, may I have your fingers? I don't know, can you? Put your finger like that.
OK.
So what you want to do, you put your hand here and if you guess what you are fingering, you get a point for the team.
It better not be a potato.
This is Yeah? The first item.
All Why is everyone going, oh? Do not worry.
Why is everybody going, oh? Concentrate on the fingering.
I will fucking concentrate.
I cannot see shit! Stop laughing, I am scared.
OK, ready? You need to guess what is it.
(SQUEALS) Do not reverse, do not reverse.
(SCREAMS) That is all over my nail! Oh! What the fuck is this? What do you think? Oh, my God, it is really deep.
I am fingering a chicken.
Oh, you are not.
You lie.
Go on, second choice, or you lose.
Well, it is some kind of bird.
It is something to eat.
You buy it at the bakery.
You buy it in a bakery? Yeah.
Oh, it is a doughnut, isn't it? Very close.
Fucking eclair!/fon (DING) Yes.
It is an eclair.
Thank you very much, Parsley.
Paisley! Serviettes will be under your desk.
OK.
So the next one to come to the Fingering Chair is Pixie Lott.
Please.
Do you trust me? Are you going to be kind to me, Gino? Of course we will.
Don't worry.
You sit on my face.
font # Sit on my face and tell me that you love me # OK, I am going to blind you.
Blindfold.
Blindfold.
Put your finger like that.
Very good.
And now we're going to choose the item.
Gino, she cannot see what is under there.
You do not have to peek.
Oh, no, that does not sound good.
No! Is it bad? Are you ready?/fo That is rank! Cold to the touch! Yeah, you need to finger it.
Holy It looks like a clistosterous.
(LAUGHTER) What clistosterous have you been looking at? Definitely smells like a clistosterous.
Oh, my (GASPS) I think I know what it is.
What is it? Do not Is it like an oyster? Yes! (DING) (APPLAUSE) Do you want to do another one? No, I wanted to wipe this residue.
Well done, Pixie Lott.
A round of applause! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was fantastic.
Yeah.
Now, next to the Fingering Chair is Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see what you can do.
Why not? Why not? font color= And put these on.
That's it.
You think you can do this? I will have a go, eh? I have got something special for you.
Now, let's bring the next finger object, please.
What is going on? It is fine.
You are OK.
No, it is not.
Everything is not fine.
I have got a bad feeling.
Are you ready? Just wait! Wait, wait, wait! Oh, fuck off! What is that?! What is fucking that?! What is it?! So, did you guess? Oh! Oh! Did you guess or do you want option number two? What?! Option number two? What is that? Show him option number two.
No!/ No, no, no! Whoa, whoa.
Oh-oh-oh! That is past the line, my brother.
That is past the line.
No, no, no.
But this is my game.
Take them off and see what font colo That is past the line, my brother.
No! No! Why did you spoil it? That is Patrick McGuinness, yeah? Yeah.
He is not only a good friend of mine, but a big showbiz name, a guest of the show, and you were about to get him to stick his finger in a Japanese businessman's arsehole.
It is my game, I can do what I want.
He has gone.
But you said it was my game.
It is your game.
Right, you finish of the show, then.
AUDIENCE: Aww! AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino! It is your show, your rules, you can do whatever you want.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES TO CHANT) He is like a 13-year-old.
It is pathetic.
Ermwell, it looks like we have lost Patrick and Gino.
(LAUGHTER) EG, do you want to do the scores? You do the scores.
Hopefully, join as after the break, we will get Gino and Patrick back.
But first, the scores are (Shit-ting.
) (Shit-ting.
) No, it is that one.
Shit-ting.
Join us after the break.
See you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special.
Before the break, Gino got his knickers in a twist, well-vexed, and he walked off.
I don't know if it's a joke.
Let's end with the final round.
It's the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) First up, Paddy.
What's your buzzer tonight? "What's it about?!" Fearne, what's your buzzer? "I want little tattoo of Barbie on my dick.
" Here's the first question.
This week, what did Ed Sheeran say all ginger "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" (LAUGHTER) What's that? What the fuck? Do this one.
What are you doing? I got my own team.
I got my best friends here.
Mark ander Spencer.
And we are ready to go.
I got my table.
"Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" (LAUGHTER) I tell you what, happy birthday, baby Jesus.
Thanks for coming back to life.
Happy Easter.
OK, Gino, play along, whatever.
He wasn't a baby, he was 33 when he came back! I will ask the question again.
This week, what did Ed Sheeran say all ginger people should do? "I've got a tattoo of a monkey inside my arsehole.
Can you rub it out?!" Fearne's team.
Celebrate for being special and amazing.
Have a party for all gingers! "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" Gino's team.
Moisturising.
(LAUGHTER) Moisturising is not the answer.
Sun cream.
Wear loads of sun cream because it is getting hot.
/font No, the answer was meet up for a gang bang.
Right, not what I was expecting.
Because ginger people are becoming extinct, apparently.
I've got a ginger, I'm helping the ginger community.
Same.
Hey, I will help you have a ginger.
And you, and you.
Word.
(LAUGHTER) Why is Johnny looking so cheesed off on Sunday Brunch? "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" I don't have the screen, I can't see anything.
You should have thought about that, you Italian prick! Paddy, what's your answer? It's because he's up early on a Sunday.
Is that correct, Johnny? No.
The answer is you are standing next to a giant.
Let's have a look.
Why is this bloke looking so chuffed? His train is cancelled and he's just found out All Bar One is still open.
And he can go somewhere and be a twat.
Let's have a look.
No, that's not the answer.
It's because he's getting a squiz at Pixie's big opener.
Why do you always find these sorts of pictures?! That was ages ago! Why is Harry Styles looking so scared here? (BUZZER) Fearne's team.
He's hanging from a helicopter, I do believe, all in the name of his art.
That is 100% correct.
He's hanging from a helicopter as part of his new music video.
Name three items you can buy in Boots.
That's Paddy's team.
Toothbrush.
Lip balm.
Lip balm.
Toothpaste.
That's correct.
But you can buy anything wearing boots.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round.
And the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Gino, you feeling confident out there? He is.
Feeling confident? Yeah, yeah, pretty good.
Feeling confident, Paddy? I really don't want to win.
Why not? That's a good job, because you haven't won.
It's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If I don't see you for a week, I will see you through a window.
Happy Easter! Let's Dance! # ANTON POWERS AND PIXIE LOTT: Baby
Check out my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is goin' on?!" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there is Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Phew! We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I wish it fuckin' was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Easter Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Happy Easter.
Who's on your flipping team? On my flipping team On my right, I have tattoo fixing legends Sketch and Paisley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, I have Well, an egg.
I've got an egg.
It's a special Easter egg.
I can hear a heartbeat.
It's probably ready to hatch.
(EGG SHELL CRACKS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Aww! He's an Easter chick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KEITH LAUGHS) # It's Easter # We've all dressed up # We've all dressed# (LAUGHTER) (GLUMLY) No-one's dressed up (LAUGHTER) Seriously, this shit's getting a bit dry now.
Look at me, I'm dressed up, you (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) Johnny Vegas, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, apparently, Holly Willo-boozy has gone back into rehab this week, so filling in as team captain - it's none other than my Bolton buddy, it's Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Y'all right? Good to see you as a team captain.
How's it feel? It feels lovely.
Why've you come dressed as Tom Jones in a nightie? (LAUGHTER) (AS TOM JONES) Well, I liked it.
I thought it was fresh.
(LAUGHTER) Moses is one of my favourite biblical characters.
I think he's the most righteous.
Right, OK.
Paddy, who is on your team? Well, let the pop see the star.
It's Pixie Lott.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Promoting his show?! I'm sorry, did I interject a catchphrase from my show, which starts this Saturday! (APPLAUSE) Let the mugger meet the plugger.
Who else is on your team, Paddy? It's supposed to be Gino D'Acampo, but he's not here.
Don't tell me he's got some elaborate opening, has he? # LUCIANO PAVAROTTI - La Donna E Mobile FEARNE: Oh, no.
Rabbit with lemon AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Grazie.
Thank you, guys.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (FEARNE LAUGHS) You fuckin' prick.
What's that?! What is he doing here? He is team captain.
What do you mean he is team captain? He's captain of the team.
The deal is - when one of the girls is impregnitised, I'm the captain.
(LAUGHTER) Well, you are not.
She's in rehab.
So why am I not the captain? We prefer Paddy.
(LAUGHTER) He can speak English.
Nobody can understand fucking Bolton - (MIMICS PADDY) (LAUGHTER) Gino, to make it up to you, I will let you do one of your rounds.
One of your stupid games.
Can I do the fingering round? Oh, God.
Is the fingering round Easter? It's not very Eastery.
We can do the Gino's history fingering round.
The history? (APPLAUSE) With Listerine? (LAUGHTER) (ITALIAN ACCENT) The Listerine History Eastery! Do they have to test your breath and then put a finger in your mouth? No, you put your finger out and then I put something on your finger, and you guess and you get a point.
Hey, mate, I've been to prison once.
(LAUGHTER) It's Sketch and Paisley from Tattoo Fixers, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are on the hit show Tattoo Fixers.
For anyone who's not seen it, what's the message? What is it? People basically come on with shit tattoos.
(LAUGHTER)/ What do you do? Fix 'em? Yeah! What is the weirdest place you've ever done a tattoo on? The bumhole.
A bumhole?! What? The actual fuckin' whistler?! (LAUGHTER) The worst thing is it's moving at you! (AUDIENCE GROANS) Why did you say yes? You can say no.
Is that the show? It's a bit of skin, isn't it? No, it wasn't on the show.
It's not a bit of skin, it's shitty skin! (LAUGHTER) I will show you my tattoo that I regret.
I don't know if you can do anything.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne.
Haven't I got long balls.
Why are they so down there? Eh? How did they get down there? Cos I've not got a foreskin.
I've got nowt to mess about.
So I just tug my bollocks! (LAUGHTER) Paisley, this can't be true, but it says you have a fear of potatoes.
Oh, fuck! Specifically potatoes that have gone old and have started sprouting.
Oh, yes.
Well, here at Celebrity Juice, we are all about giving back and helping No, don't you dare.
.
.
so down here Please, don't, don't.
.
.
I have a box (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) .
.
of sprouting potatoes.
You thought you were coming here tonight to play Celebrity Juice, but you are going to overcome your fear of the sprouting potato.
There they are.
They look like your balls.
Tell you what, I will give you a point for your team if you touch one of these sprouting potatoes.
I've got to touch one? Yes.
What do you think it's going to do? Bite you? (LAUGHTER) Whoa! All right, all right.
Let me come to you.
I will put it there.
You pick it up.
Just casual.
Take it slow.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done.
Very good.
I'll tell you what, Gino, I'll give you a point of your team if you eat one.
(LAUGHTER) No! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) She nearly went over the chair.
It's Pixie Lott! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pixie.
Yes? Your name's not Pixie, is it? No, but since I was a baby, I was nicknamed Pixie, because I was so small.
Your mum called you Pixie cos you looked like a little Pixie when you were born? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's lucky your mum didn't do the same, Fearne, cos you would've been called Bollock Cotton.
(LAUGHTER) Pixie.
Yes? You've got a new single out.
Yes.
It's called Baby.
It's with Austin Powers.
Anton Powers.
(LAUGHTER) Anton Powers.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) I ask everyone, but what's the message? It's a feelgood, club, feel-great - Is it a summer track? It's more dancy and summery.
That's because it's a collaboration.
So I did it with Anton Powers, who is amazing.
So it's both of our worlds mixed together.
I saw some pictures from your latest video for Baby, and I was wondering if your outfit was inspired by Gino D'Acampo's cooking.
(LAUGHTER) Oh A nice zoomed in shot.
(APPLAUSE) (BOLTON ACCENT) It took two hours and 40 minutes to get to London! It's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, what's it like being team captain so far? Well Very emotional.
I tell you.
You don't get an introduction, he's not allowed to plug anything, and you don't have to ask him a question.
He's the captain of the show.
The rule is set.
Why are we talking to him? What for? (LAUGHTER) You are so bitter.
Paddy.
Yes? You have a new series of Take Me Out which starts on Saturday.
I don't really want to talk about it.
Series 9.
Series 9, yes.
GINO: Am I allowed to talk about my new book? FEARNE: Oh, piss off.
Can you get into the spirit of this thing? How many times can you do pasta?! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, you left me a voice message on the way down to London today, didn't you? Go on.
(KEITH IMITATING PADDY ON VOICEMAIL) 'What's this about Jimmy Carr breaking a record on that ding-a-linga- dong-a-longa thing? (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) All right, see ya.
Ta-ra' (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see how good Patrick McGuinness is, as we play (APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to the Ding-a-linga-dong-a-longa-thon arena.
As we can see, we have Paddy McGuinness here.
Some exciting news, apparently, we are expecting to hear back from the Olympic Committee any day soon.
And we've got some footage.
Discussing whether or not this will be accepted into the 2020 Olympics.
In Tokyo.
There they are, discussing it now.
It looks positive to me.
It looks definitely positive.
Hopefully, this will be in the Olympics.
Are you excited about that, Patrick? Ecstatic.
Have you seen anyone playing this before? No.
So we had Tony Hadley and Jimmy Carr, both got 51 whacks in 30 seconds.
Mate, that's some going, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) You've got the counting machine thing, there.
Would you like to chalk up your pole as well? Certainly.
(LAUGHTER) Give it a good rub.
How is that for you, Madam? (LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Go on.
Come on, babes.
He's taking it steady.
Small, little thrusts.
Look at the concentration.
That's it.
He's speeding up, he's speeding up, he's speeding up.
Yes, yes, yes.
Go on.
That's it.
Don't lose it.
Don't lose it.
You've got a good rhythm going.
That's it.
I think he's going to do it.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, you didn't come far enough away from the pole.
We have disqualified a few of the dings.
But I can tell Well, Paisley will tell you how many you got.
How many did he get? Are you ready? Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) YES! YES! (APPLAUSE) That's a new world record! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I'm taking this home! (LAUGHTER) Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Love that.
Paddy, in honour of the new series of Take Me out, series 9, we're going to play a lovely game, and as it's Easter, we've merged Easter with Take Me Out, and we are going to play a fantastic new game called It's called Eat Me Out You Bastard.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOLTON ACCENT) Hello and welcome to 'Eat Me Oot'! This is the game where people get to lick out creamy goodness from a chocolate egg.
That's how you do it, don't ya? (LAUGHTER) (BOLTON ACCENT) What's going to happen here, right (PADDY LAUGHS) .
.
is you're gonna pop a chocolate egg in your 'mooth', that's right, in your 'mooth' (LAUGHTER) .
.
whilst your teammate tries to lick out cream.
Oh, God.
No.
The team with the cleanest eggs that have been licked "reet oot" will win a point for the team.
Let the point meet the team! (SPEAK GIBBERISH) (LAUGHTER) We'll go on the klaxon.
Oh, you've gone right in.
(LAUGHTER) It's in, it's in, it's in.
He's gone too deep.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (GROANS) I don't likey! (LAUGHTER) (GROANS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Let's have an action replay.
Take a look at this.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) (KEITH LAUGHS) For commitment, I'm going to give the point toPaddy's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) What is fuckin' that?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello-o-o-o! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Easter Special! Isn't Easter amazing, Paddy's team? Not after that last game, no.
You have actually ruined Easter forever.
I tell you what I love about Easter, is when we get Johnny Vegas dressed in some sort of Easter costume and we sent him out to get golden eggs that I have hidden in the studio.
So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Johnny Vegas, you know how this works.
We give you a basket, you have an allotted time to find as many golden eggs, which I have hidden about the studio.
We have a map here, which I will give to Fearne's team, and they will guide you.
You are going to go on the sound of the Easter goat.
(BLEATING) Let's go! INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE SOUNDTRACK That way, that way, that way.
Look around in the area.
There he go (INDISTINCT) Go to the little tent.
Johnny, the little tent.
It looks shit in here.
"Looks shit in here!" Johnny, look up, look up! On the ceiling! On the ceiling! Look up! How the fuck am I going to reach that? Get a chair, get a chair.
Really? Didn't think of that (!) Take it easy.
Be careful.
Johnny, you have got egg-shaped dungarees on, OK? Take it easy.
This is demeaning! Get it! He did not get it.
Come on, Johnny, focus.
Get in the zone.
(DING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look under the stairs.
Under the stairs, under the stairs.
Inside.
Oh, you have got to be joking.
What are you worried about? There is a box that says, "open me".
Not the fax machine! Oh, no! It is in a box! Johnny, Johnny.
It is in the box.
(INDISTINCT) In the massive, bloody box! Johnny, behind you, the box! Oh! Shit.
I did not touch that.
I used to work in Argos! It is like pass the parcel, come on, it is fun.
It is not fun! It is, Johnny, it is Easter fun.
You look really cute.
It is Easter fun (!) You do not even believe in Christ.
Is it there? You wankers.
That is bullshit.
Go into Holly's dressing room.
There we go.
There is an egg!/fo Get it, get it, run.
Run! (DING) Yes.
(APPLAUSE) I bit my gum.
Go in Holly's dressing room.
He can run.
Is that an egg? What is the map saying? Try the sofa! Oh, the sofa! The bench with arms.
Where you get pissed and pass out.
(DING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Naughty elf! Get off! Naughty elf! You have had it now! Don't hurt him, Johnny.
Johnny, do not hurt him.
Johnny come back to the studio, do not hurt him.
Oh, my God.
Come back to the studio, Johnny.
Do you know where I'm going to put this? Shall I go and rescue him? Shall I go and get him? Go and get him.
You dirty bastard.
Johnny, quick, come back before he hurts you.
There is Fearne to the rescue.
Get lube! I can't come back.
He is fucked, he is fucked.
I have got the eggs, get the fuck out of there.
You leave my mate alone.
Come on.
Get out of here.
Hey.
You can do it, come on.
Let's just walk out of this with some dignity.
He started it.
/f Fearne, your time is running out, come on! Everyone loved it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Me and the guy in there just really hurt each other with dildos.
Johnny, it was hard work, but I can tell you that you have got one, two, three, four points for your team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas, everyone! And the scores at the end of that round are shit-ting! Gino, at the top of the show, I did promise that you could play one of your weird rounds because you are not team capitan tonight.
So I know you have been waiting all night to play this.
Are we going to do it? Come over here and press this.
Gino, everyone.
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino! Have you ever sat here? Never.
OK, let's play Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello, I am Gino d'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastery Fingering Game.
Gino, Gino You are in the wrong spot, you idiot.
You are looking at the wrong camera and you are in the wrong spot.
There is your camera.
See that red light? Yes.
That is your camera.
Off you go.
We can cut it out, can we? Yeah, we can cut it out.
(MOUTHS) A big round of applause because we have just started.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming, everybody.
Hello.
I am Gino d'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastery Fingering Game.
Please bring on my Fingering Chair.
Thank you.
The chair goes here.
A round of applause.
You should learn how it is done.
That was good.
Good stuff? Yeah.
So, the first person to play my game is Parsley.
Paisley! It is Pai Paisley! Paisley.
Go on, Parsley, you can do it.
It is OK.
You sit on my face and be careful.
Enjoy.
I don't know how I feel about this.
No, it is OK.
Brilliant.
/fon Now I am going to blind you.
Blindfold.
Not blind.
Huh? Blindfold you.
I am going to blindfold.
Hold onto the balls there.
Oh, my God.
Argh! She has got a huge bush.
Can you see anything? I cannot see shit, babe.
OK, very good.
Everybody at home, if you want to play, it is very simple.
I have got my fingering stander right here.
Lady, may I have your fingers? I don't know, can you? Put your finger like that.
OK.
So what you want to do, you put your hand here and if you guess what you are fingering, you get a point for the team.
It better not be a potato.
This is Yeah? The first item.
All Why is everyone going, oh? Do not worry.
Why is everybody going, oh? Concentrate on the fingering.
I will fucking concentrate.
I cannot see shit! Stop laughing, I am scared.
OK, ready? You need to guess what is it.
(SQUEALS) Do not reverse, do not reverse.
(SCREAMS) That is all over my nail! Oh! What the fuck is this? What do you think? Oh, my God, it is really deep.
I am fingering a chicken.
Oh, you are not.
You lie.
Go on, second choice, or you lose.
Well, it is some kind of bird.
It is something to eat.
You buy it at the bakery.
You buy it in a bakery? Yeah.
Oh, it is a doughnut, isn't it? Very close.
Fucking eclair!/fon (DING) Yes.
It is an eclair.
Thank you very much, Parsley.
Paisley! Serviettes will be under your desk.
OK.
So the next one to come to the Fingering Chair is Pixie Lott.
Please.
Do you trust me? Are you going to be kind to me, Gino? Of course we will.
Don't worry.
You sit on my face.
font # Sit on my face and tell me that you love me # OK, I am going to blind you.
Blindfold.
Blindfold.
Put your finger like that.
Very good.
And now we're going to choose the item.
Gino, she cannot see what is under there.
You do not have to peek.
Oh, no, that does not sound good.
No! Is it bad? Are you ready?/fo That is rank! Cold to the touch! Yeah, you need to finger it.
Holy It looks like a clistosterous.
(LAUGHTER) What clistosterous have you been looking at? Definitely smells like a clistosterous.
Oh, my (GASPS) I think I know what it is.
What is it? Do not Is it like an oyster? Yes! (DING) (APPLAUSE) Do you want to do another one? No, I wanted to wipe this residue.
Well done, Pixie Lott.
A round of applause! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was fantastic.
Yeah.
Now, next to the Fingering Chair is Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see what you can do.
Why not? Why not? font color= And put these on.
That's it.
You think you can do this? I will have a go, eh? I have got something special for you.
Now, let's bring the next finger object, please.
What is going on? It is fine.
You are OK.
No, it is not.
Everything is not fine.
I have got a bad feeling.
Are you ready? Just wait! Wait, wait, wait! Oh, fuck off! What is that?! What is fucking that?! What is it?! So, did you guess? Oh! Oh! Did you guess or do you want option number two? What?! Option number two? What is that? Show him option number two.
No!/ No, no, no! Whoa, whoa.
Oh-oh-oh! That is past the line, my brother.
That is past the line.
No, no, no.
But this is my game.
Take them off and see what font colo That is past the line, my brother.
No! No! Why did you spoil it? That is Patrick McGuinness, yeah? Yeah.
He is not only a good friend of mine, but a big showbiz name, a guest of the show, and you were about to get him to stick his finger in a Japanese businessman's arsehole.
It is my game, I can do what I want.
He has gone.
But you said it was my game.
It is your game.
Right, you finish of the show, then.
AUDIENCE: Aww! AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino! It is your show, your rules, you can do whatever you want.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES TO CHANT) He is like a 13-year-old.
It is pathetic.
Ermwell, it looks like we have lost Patrick and Gino.
(LAUGHTER) EG, do you want to do the scores? You do the scores.
Hopefully, join as after the break, we will get Gino and Patrick back.
But first, the scores are (Shit-ting.
) (Shit-ting.
) No, it is that one.
Shit-ting.
Join us after the break.
See you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special.
Before the break, Gino got his knickers in a twist, well-vexed, and he walked off.
I don't know if it's a joke.
Let's end with the final round.
It's the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) First up, Paddy.
What's your buzzer tonight? "What's it about?!" Fearne, what's your buzzer? "I want little tattoo of Barbie on my dick.
" Here's the first question.
This week, what did Ed Sheeran say all ginger "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" (LAUGHTER) What's that? What the fuck? Do this one.
What are you doing? I got my own team.
I got my best friends here.
Mark ander Spencer.
And we are ready to go.
I got my table.
"Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" (LAUGHTER) I tell you what, happy birthday, baby Jesus.
Thanks for coming back to life.
Happy Easter.
OK, Gino, play along, whatever.
He wasn't a baby, he was 33 when he came back! I will ask the question again.
This week, what did Ed Sheeran say all ginger people should do? "I've got a tattoo of a monkey inside my arsehole.
Can you rub it out?!" Fearne's team.
Celebrate for being special and amazing.
Have a party for all gingers! "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" Gino's team.
Moisturising.
(LAUGHTER) Moisturising is not the answer.
Sun cream.
Wear loads of sun cream because it is getting hot.
/font No, the answer was meet up for a gang bang.
Right, not what I was expecting.
Because ginger people are becoming extinct, apparently.
I've got a ginger, I'm helping the ginger community.
Same.
Hey, I will help you have a ginger.
And you, and you.
Word.
(LAUGHTER) Why is Johnny looking so cheesed off on Sunday Brunch? "Gino Sheffield D'Acampo Team.
" I don't have the screen, I can't see anything.
You should have thought about that, you Italian prick! Paddy, what's your answer? It's because he's up early on a Sunday.
Is that correct, Johnny? No.
The answer is you are standing next to a giant.
Let's have a look.
Why is this bloke looking so chuffed? His train is cancelled and he's just found out All Bar One is still open.
And he can go somewhere and be a twat.
Let's have a look.
No, that's not the answer.
It's because he's getting a squiz at Pixie's big opener.
Why do you always find these sorts of pictures?! That was ages ago! Why is Harry Styles looking so scared here? (BUZZER) Fearne's team.
He's hanging from a helicopter, I do believe, all in the name of his art.
That is 100% correct.
He's hanging from a helicopter as part of his new music video.
Name three items you can buy in Boots.
That's Paddy's team.
Toothbrush.
Lip balm.
Lip balm.
Toothpaste.
That's correct.
But you can buy anything wearing boots.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round.
And the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Gino, you feeling confident out there? He is.
Feeling confident? Yeah, yeah, pretty good.
Feeling confident, Paddy? I really don't want to win.
Why not? That's a good job, because you haven't won.
It's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If I don't see you for a week, I will see you through a window.
Happy Easter! Let's Dance! # ANTON POWERS AND PIXIE LOTT: Baby