Chad (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Father, God, please bless this
food and the hands that made it
so that we may serve each other
as we serve the Lord.
Praise these things in Jesus' name.
- Amen.
- Amen.
That was freakin' beautiful,
and just to piggyback off of that, sir,
I did get kicked off the Wi-Fi earlier.
Not sure if it needs
a hard reset or what.
We're enjoying each
other's company right now, Chad.
I Are we?
Do you know what time
our mom is picking us up?
I believe she said 8:30 or 9:00.
So you're ours for two more hours.
Probably be some phone time
in there, then.
So, what did everyone do today?
I found an injured bird on the sidewalk.
I brought it to the school nurse.
TOGETHER: But it died.
You probably did prolong
its suffering, though.
How about you, Niki?
I volunteered at a homeless
shelter, and a man there told me
I inspired him to get clean
and turn his life around.
- Is that so, Niki?
- Yeah.
What was his name?
Bob.
His name was Bob?
Yeah.
And he was inspired by you, you say?
Yeah. That's really cool.
Sounds incredibly truthful.
Niki, that was lovely.
How do we feel about
firing up that Wi-Fi now?
♪♪
Hello, family.
Thank you all for taking
your assigned seats.
Chad, what is this?
How long is this gonna take?
Yes, I need you to hurry, Chad.
I have a very special date tonight,
if you know what I mean.
With a woman? Yes.
Congratulations.
So, I know you're planning
on dropping us off at the Murphys again,
and while that has been
the situation in the past,
I'd like to talk about the future.
[WHOOSH!]
NAZ: Oh.
I'm interested to hear your argument.
You should be.
I worked really hard on this.
[DRUM ROLL]
Okay, so that concludes
the presentation portion.
I'd like to open it up now
to a brief question and answer.
That's it?
One slide?
There was actually three slides
'cause there was a title page.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry you don't care
for the Murphys, Chad,
but I just don't feel comfortable
leaving the two of you
without adult supervision.
Mom, look, if Niki gets scared,
then she can come to me,
or she can go to the Murphys
and I'll just stay here
and Netflix and chill by myself.
I don't think that would exactly
solve the problem.
Why? Oh, my God, 'cause you're the one
that needs a babysitter, dumb-ass! Niki!
What? He does. Just tell him. Stop it.
Mom, please tell me it's
not true what she just said.
I'm sorry, Chad.
I just don't think you're ready.
Well, then I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry you think
I'm such a piece of crap
I can't even keep myself alive.
Why did you even have me?!
[GRUNTS]
I didn't fall!
[SIGHS]
♪♪
Hey, Chad.
Came to check on you.
Brought you a juice.
Juice, Mom?
Ugh, I'm not a freakin' baby.
I know that. Didn't mean anything by it.
Give me that.
I'm not gonna waste juice.
[SIGHS]
Okay, maybe I am being a little unfair.
What if we tried one night
with you as the babysitter?
Yes! Okay.
But you have to take this seriously.
It is a huge responsibility.
Thank you so much.
You will not regret this, Mom.
Thank you so much!
Give me that little face!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Chad!
We're getting along!
Alright, let's get you guys out of here.
Freaking out.
Okay, well, hope this wasn't the worst
parenting decision of my life.
Well, guess we'll find out.
See you on the other side.
Hey, so I'm gonna go over
to Avery's for a bit.
Hey, so no, you're not.
I promised Mom I would
babysit the crap out of you.
You're not going anywhere. [SIGHS]
It's pretty fascinating
that you don't respect
the hierarchy of our family.
Chad, I'm literally going to her house
to hang out with a couple of friends.
You don't have to be such a dick.
Young lady, I will not be
tolerating slurs tonight.
Now throw on your jammies and buckle up,
'cause you're in my house now.
Ya feel?
[TELEVISION PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Niki, look.
Niki. Look.
Am I good on this?
Niki.
Do you think there's a heaven?
Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.
I was actually gonna tell you
to go to bed, so
go to bed.
Niki, brought you some
T-rex-shaped nuggets.
Please tell Mom I'm good
at babysitting
♪♪
That little skank.
♪♪
This kid. I swear to God, this kid.
Hello, Avery. Yes?
I'm guessing you heard
I'm Niki's legal guardian
for the night, so please
take me to her immediately.
Um, okay.
Come on in.
Off to a good start.
Let's keep it that way.
You need to take your shoes off.
[MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
So, what the hell are you guys
up to tonight?
Contouring?
Chad?
♪♪
My God, there's alcohol all around us.
CHAD: Ladies, good evening.
I see you're drinking
and other assorted vices.
Niki, may I have a word?
[SIGHS]
You're so dead.
Not only do you betray me,
but now you're drinking alcohol?
When the hell did this happen?
I don't know.
Once at 4th of July,
once at Uncle Reza's wedding.
What?
I didn't even know Uncle Reza
believed in alcohol at his wedding.
Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
Have you never drank before?
We're going home. Ow! That hurts!
It's hurting me more than
it's hurting you. Come on!
You guys okay? My lame
older brother is making me leave
because he's afraid of alcohol.
[SCOFFS] You guys, Niki over here,
the queen of talking out of her ass.
I love alcohol.
It's my favorite thing.
420 every day. Hook it up.
Here.
Oh.
Man.
Color brown my favorite.
Don't you want some?
Honestly, I've been
hitting the bottle so hard
I should put my ass on one
of those intervention shows.
It's just, drinking with
a bunch of little tiny girls,
I don't think so.
No, thanks, I'm gonna pass.
But just know that I want to
and just tonight,
I'm not going to.
Alright, then, why don't
we kick it up a notch?
Should we play whiskey slaps?
ALL: Yes!
This shit's about to get twisted!
It's a drinking game.
We don't have to play.
I'm pretty sure I know what it is, Niki.
I would love to play
whiskey slaps with you guys.
Don't pay attention to Niki.
She's a little scaredy cat.
[SIGHS]
Chad.
You take the first shot.
Alright, okay.
Do you need help?
Does that answer your question?
[CLEARS THROAT]
A-Actually, because of my
feelings about women's rights
and putting ladies first,
I think it's only right that you go.
♪♪
Jesus Christ.
♪♪
What is this What is this part?
Hello?
Hit me.
What? You're supposed
to slap me in the face.
Okay.
[GIGGLING]
You call that a slap?
Hit me for real.
Okay.
Ah.
What are you, a child?
Like this.
[LAUGHTER]
Aah! [GASPING]
Are you okay?
I didn't mean Aah!
[GASPING]
Chad, are you okay?
GIRL: Look, he's bleeding.
Don't No, don't look at me!
♪♪
Oh, my God.
[DOOR OPENS]
♪♪
Dang it.
♪♪
♪♪
It's not sad, it's funny.
It's not sad, it's funny.
♪♪
AVERY: Update.
Hit update, then go to
Skin Smoother Lens.
GIRL: Anyone else want to top off?
Korea is so advanced with filters.
I mean, look. Honestly.
America's, like, 10 steps behind.
- Oh, please.
- Right?
Speaking of, should I check up on Chad?
I don't know.
It's, like, so confusing
you guys are even related.
Like, why does he only wear polo shirts?
Yeah, he's kind of been
this way his whole life.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
♪♪
[TEA CUPS CLATTERING]
MARGARET: Oh, want some more tea?
Here you go.
[HUMMING]
♪♪
Hi. I-I don't know who you are,
but can I sit with you?
Sure. I'm Margaret.
Wow, this is like a whole situation.
♪♪
I'm Chad.
Thanks for having me at your tiny tent.
Would you like some tea?
Um
okay.
Here you go.
That's Kelsey.
What's up, Kelsey?
You're bleeding.
Yeah.
I got punched in the face
by your terrifying sister.
Can I tell you something, Margaret?
Just a little life advice.
Enjoy all of this now,
because sooner or later,
you're gonna have a damn
household to take care of,
and before you know it, your sister,
who you raised to be a nice little lady,
is gonna turn out to be a giant vapelord
who dances with the devil.
A devil named alcohol.
I can see you're suffering.
What?
I can see in your eyes
there's suffering.
Oh, I think I just have big-ass eyes.
No, your eyes are beautiful, Chad,
but you won't have peace
until they're open.
How did you do that?
Have you ever stopped to think,
"Who are you, Chad?"
Okay, I don't don't really know
what the hell is going on right now,
but how do
How do I get people to like me?
They'll like you when you like you.
How do I do that?
Hey, Niki.
NIKI: Hey.
Chad, how's your nose?
Go to her, Chad.
[WHISPERING] I believe in you.
How's my nose?
What do you care?
You're, like, only 12 and you're
already having cocktail hour
with your advanced friends
and your adult conversations.
I heard some of them talk
about technology.
They were talking about
their favorite filters.
I know what I heard! Technology talk.
Nothing's ever hard for you.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here
having a full-on tea party.
Well, I am a little
advanced compared to you,
but if that bothers you,
we don't have to be
like enemies over it.
You could ask me things.
Me ask my little sister things?
Yeah, right.
Okay, whatever.
How did you know you were ready?
What?
How did you know you were
ready to drink alcohol?
I don't know. I probably wasn't.
But I had some friends
who were there to help me,
so it wasn't as scary.
So cool.
Do you want me and my friends
to teach you how to drink?
Yeah, I'd like that very much.
Growth.
I'm happy for you, Chad.
She's wild.
You should really hear her riff.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Hey, guys.
So, it turns out my brother
Chad has actually never had
a drink before,
so I thought maybe we could all
help him through his first time.
CHAD: Thank you, Niki.
So much. I-I can take it from here.
Um, hi.
My name is Chad, and I haven't
had a drink in 14 years.
A-Avery, I am a little triggered
seeing you
because you did physically
attack me in the face.
You do truly scare me. Thank you.
But, yes, I would love
your guys' help with drinking.
Yeah, sure, why not?
[CHEERING]
Okay, first off, what kind
of alcohol do you want?
All I know is martini. Ooh!
Start off with sour pucker.
It tastes just like a Jolly Rancher.
Delicious.
Don't forget the chaser.
What I do is I take the shot
and down the chaser.
Shot, chaser. Got it.
Yep. And remember to plug your nose.
I smelled it my first time
and almost barfed.
Niki, nasty.
- Yeah.
- You got this.
All you, Chad.
Three, two, one!
♪♪
Great, now I'm trippin' balls!
[CHEERING]
[VOMITS]
Well, Niki, you started out
in life so nice to me.
The day you were born, Mom said you used
all your little baby dollars
to buy me a toy.
But then, honestly, over the years,
the presents just started trailing off.
Now look at us.
We're bonding under these sequoias.
Alcohol, I think, is good for me.
It turns my brain off
in a way that I'm like,
"Yeah, I like that."
Okay, you are drunk.
Can't believe you chased me to Avery's.
I know, huh?
Just fully went for it.
♪♪
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
Oh, no, Mom Mom's on her way home.
♪♪
You on? Yes.
Position? Position.
Let's go!
♪♪
Oh, my God, it's hard.
Chad, you've got to change gears.
No, I love this gear.
Can you go any faster?
Niki, I'm working as hard as I can!
You're just freaking hanging out,
getting a free ride.
I'm working my ass off! Oh, my God.
You're not contributing whatsoever.
[CRASHING]
That was so fun. Velocity I got.
Yeah. We're doing that again.
There you are. Where were you?
Me and Niki?
We texted you.
Texting me "NOT DEAD, LOL"
in all caps did not bring me comfort.
[BOTH SNICKER]
Sorry, I thought you'd be
thrilled to know
that we were not dead.
Hey, I'll go ahead and take this bullet.
Get up there.
Not gonna lie, Mom,
we did a really good job raising her.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Look, there is no easy way
to slice this.
Niki escaped to drink alcohol tonight.
But Niki has also had
a very packed night,
so I think we should
just let this one slide.
Well, to start,
this conversation is insane.
You're standing 20 feet away from me.
Well, that's because I'm afraid of you,
so I'm keeping my physical distance.
Look [SIGHS] it's obvious you've
both been drinking tonight.
There will be consequences.
You're grounded.
And you will absolutely not be
left home alone again.
Well, that is your choice to make,
but it happens to be a bad one.
You know what, i-it's kind of nice
to see the two of you
spending time together.
So you're off the hook for tonight.
Well, think it's fair to say
we both earned ourselves a little sauce.
What is this, a red?
Do you think Hamid's happy?
I'll just take that. Nope.
I tasted it.
[SIGHS]
Drink, float ♪
Yo, she just wanna ♪
Drink, float ♪
Drink, float ♪
Drink, float ♪
Yo, she just wanna ♪
Couple packs in the back
of the trunk ♪
Play tough gimmie that
slump wanna another ♪
I ain't gonna say no,
just burn to the yeyo ♪
Never let her dress,
but her got a halo ♪
Big news BMA but I stay low ♪
Drink, float ♪
Drink, float ♪
Drink, float ♪
Yo, she just wanna ♪
Drink, float ♪
Drink, float ♪
Yo, she just wanna ♪