Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e11 Episode Script

Greatest Misses

Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
(announcer) Ladies and
gentlemen, Dave Chappelle!
Thank you all.
Thank you, folks.
Tonight you tuned in
on a very special night.
You know, now that the show.
is becoming successful,
people are writing
about it in papers,
the only thing more spectacular
than our success
is our failures.
Tonight I will show you
some of the craziest things
we have tried to get away
with and didn't succeed.
These are all sketches
we actually went out,
we shot the sketches
I didn't make this idea.
This is a crazy, ah
well, you'll see
as we go along.
But this is the good
thing about black people.
We are just the best at taking
lemons and making lemonade.
This is a skill that
black people have been endowed.
They gave us the worst
part of pigs,
we said we're gonna
call 'em chitlings,
put some
hot sauce on the nigga
and we will like 'em,
we will like them!
We'll eat the snout,
if we have to.
If we have to,
I will eat the snout.
Tonight we are gonna
eat all snout.
This whole episode is
just straight up snout.
Now, this first sketch
had our first celebrity cameo
the Chappelle show
ever had.
Nobody ever saw.
It was a
very good cameo.
Why don't you show 'em
the beginning.
Welcome back.
Today, of course,
we are dealing with kids
who are b-a-d, bad.
Do you see, Sally?
This is what I
have to deal with.
Ronald is just
out of control, so trifling.
Aw, ma,
shut up!
All right, time to
straighten you up!
Guess where you
are going.
Boot camp.
Yeah, boot camp,
that's right,
with the hardest
C.O. you have ever met.
This is where the sketch
goes completely wrong.
That's right,
Nelson Mandela.
(blowing whistle)
(African accent) All right,
children, shut your mouth.
All of you
kids disgust me.
Notice how shitty
the wig is.
Not only do I not look
anything like Nelson Mandela,
but the sketch just gets
progressively crazier.
Mandela proceeds to just
beat the hell out of these kids
for the next, like, eight to
nine minutes, all right.
He's just berating
'em and beating 'em.
Here, just show them some
of the beat-downs.
This is the full Nelson,
bitch, it's a pun
(grunts and yells)
Cry "freedom."
Cry "the beloved
If I wanted to be mean,
I would tell this
kid how fat he is, huh?
I would tell him that I would
squeeze his breasts together
and make love to his
bosom, if I wanted to.
Pretty bad, huh?
Well, it gets
weirder than that.
Do you think Mandela doesn't
know what this is?
Do you think
Mandela doesn't know
what's popping
on the streets?
In the jungle
the mighty jungle
yo, I'm not sure,
but I think Mr. Mandela
smoked my drugs.
Pretty bad, huh?
All right, now,
here's another stinker.
This one was suppose to be
like the Def Poetry Jam.
It was called
it was a funny premise
it was called
The Def Comedy Poetry Jam,
where we basically have people
I knew from Def Comedy Jam
come and do, like,
the corniest joke premises
and poetry style.
It's kind of hard
to explain, but it was funny.
Like, Mos Def came out,
acted the fool.
Go ahead and show
them the beginning.
Are you ready for some
poetry, motherfuckers?
Mm, mm, ugh!
All right, so then
Shucky-Ducky comes out
and Hamburg and all
these guys come out and do
hacky black poems.
And I even did one myself,
which is pretty hilarious,
I'll show it to you
in its entirety.
Here's the one I did.
White people do this
black people
black people do that
and white people's power
goes off they panic
when black people's
power goes off they plan it
we'll take a quick
commercial break,
but don't go anywhere.
We have more of our
greatest misses coming up.
Hey gang, welcome back.
Now, let's see, how can
I describe this sketch.
It was a "Frontline" piece,
much like we did
the Clayton Bigsby piece,
we wrote this one when they had
opened the first public school
for all-gay students,
and we were like,
okay America's freaking out now,
like, about the gay thing, like,
so we thought
what if it was, like,
so segregated that there
became two Americas:
It was a gay America
and a straight America.
And that was the premise
of the sketch.
Cities like San Francisco
even offer special
municipal services,
like this gay department
of motor vehicles.
Honey, with those cheekbones,
you're a natural!
Now just
stand there.
That's right.
Put your head back
a little bit.
Let's get that
great big smile.
Let's see those
pearly whites.
Hold it, hold it.
Congratulations, your license
plate is so ready.
It was funny.
I mean, we were just
messing around.
You know,
just having fun.
All right.
But it gets worse, like,
we keep going on like this.
Okay, so there's
a gay DMV,
what else can we just
make, like, a gay version of?
And then we just went to town
with, like, the gay version
of things.
For instance
every aspect
of American life
is being affected
by the culture.
There are
gay butchers.
Gay landscapers.
Ass tits
ass and tits
ass and tits
to the
Just for fun, can we see
that guy again.
That shit was
very funny to me.
Ass tits
ass and tits
ass and tits
to the
here's where we start
spinning out of control.
All right, this next one
was offensive,
not only to gay people
but black people.
And if you're
a gay black person
then you'll get doubly mad,
but it was all in
the spirit of fun.
I thought I still
think it's funny.
All right,
go ahead and show the clip.
Here in Huntsfield, Alabama,
amazingly, they have started
a gay chapter of
the Klu Klux Klan.
Oh, it's hot
like the dickens.
As I was saying
at brunch
and we hate too, okay.
But we do it a special way,
we do it with compassion.
Good morning,
I'm with the K.K.K.
We had a meeting
and we were talking
and we'd be more comfortable
if you guys left
the neighborhood.
Have you considered going
back to Africa?
All right.
Now, this next piece
was the piece that started
the whole she-bang-a-bang.
This was the first premise
that led to this
gay America sketch.
This actually was
Charlie Murphy's idea.
He called and was like
I got this funny idea
for a sketch, man.
And he told me, he told Neal,
and we just ran with it.
This is the most splendiferus,
specutacious monumental event
in the history of the world,
professional boxing
with all-gay fighters.
I call that
"Friday Night Sissy Fights"
and it's on
none other than HBO.
On my right,
"The Bathhouse Roller,"
none other than
Sweet Butch Roberts.
Look at that footwork, it looks
better than a schoolgirl.
Man, he's gay.
And to my left,
"The Tyrannical Tea-bagger"
none other than
Reggie Blazer.
He's weighing
himself in as we speak.
Uh-uh, uh-uh,
this scale is broke.
Cheater, didn't I tell you
to fix this scale.
And what you looking at
with your ashy-ass lips?
Whatever, fat-ass.
I love it!
On that note, we're actually
gonna take a commercial break,
don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back with more
of our greatest misses.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go to
the Chappelle Show.
All right,
welcome back, welcome back.
All right.
This next one might be my
favorite failure of all times.
Now, last season we did this
sketch called
"The Player Haters Ball,"
wasn't our
most popular sketch,
but it was just one
of my favorites.
It was just very silly.
So we said let's
bring 'em back,
but lets try to
do something different,
up the ante a little bit.
So, it starts out that
the player haters
are having a science fair.
All right,
go ahead, go ahead.
Furthermore, my wave machine
can create enough energy
to power most
medium-sized homes with ease.
Thank you, bitches.
When you said wave machine,
I thought you was talking
about something that could
repair that catastrophe
you call a hairstyle.
Buck Nasty, you are so dark
when you touch yourself
it's like black-on-black crime.
Right, so, so far
so good.
It has all the elements of
the old sketch that we loved.
There's jheri curl juice
snapping, going back and forth.
All right, here's where
it starts getting
a little weird.
(ringing gong)
I brought to you bitches,
my great invention yet,
a time machine.
(dinging gong)
So now the premise
is that they travel through time
and hate on people.
Now, that's, that's not
a bad premise,
but somehow it just
didn't come together right.
Let's see what happens.
First, they go back
and I think they fuck up Hitler.
(slow and distorted voices)
Hitler, fuck you!
Hitler momma got one big titty
and one little titty,
and they call the bitch
biggie smalls.
All right, so the crowd's
still kind of with us.
And now we take
'em to the 1840s.
Let's see how that
hate works out.
Good God!
Slavery, if you will.
These men here work for
the minimumest of wages:
Grits and tattered clothes.
Lookey here, man,
them lames ain't even
got no shoes on, Jack.
I could never
go out like that.
Buck Nasty,
have some respect.
One of these men could be
your great-granddaddy.
All right.
All right, Charlie
was definitely funny,
'cause every time we do
Buck Nasty, right,
like, he'll be sittin' in
the back of the time machine
and as soon as they say
"okay, roll sound"
Charlie'd get
to shaking like this.
He'd start
all right, just
show 'em, like,
just give 'em an example of
what it's like to shoot this.
From doctors?
All right, ready?
Roll sound.
It was killing me
all right, but I'm
getting off the point now.
Let's keep going.
Now, so the now time hater's
they're in slavery times, right,
and stuff is still kinda going
good in the sketch
okay, okay,
keep just, keep
let it play out.
Let's see
what's happening.
(Silky Johnson) Uh-oh, fellas,
looks as though we have company.
What the hell are you
niggras doin' out here?
We are the time haters,
we traveled all the way
back through time
to call you a cracker.
You better
watch your mouth.
Actually, you better
watch your mouth, white boy,
before I put these gators
up your ass
and show your
insides some style.
I can't be
no slave, Silky.
Oh, good God.
Look, Silky,
he done pulled out a whip.
Nice whip.
This here is a pistol.
Reach for the sky,
Honky is a racial epithet
used for white people,
was made popular by
a man named George Jefferson
in the 1970s.
You see, he
and his wife, Weezy,
had a dry cleaning business,
so they moved on up
to the east side,
to a deluxe
apartment in the sky.
They finally got
a piece of the pie.
Convoluted story, I'll admit,
but the point
is this:
That in the future all
black people will be free.
In a second, all right,
this is what stopped
the whole show.
This stopped
I mean, literally,
this whole episode came to a
screeching halt right here.
As a matter of fact,
I predict this episode
will come to a screeching halt
right now.
But I'll show it.
When's we
gonna be free?
That is a good question,
my man
how about now-ish?
Apparently, shooting
a slave master
isn't funny to
anybody but me and Neal.
If I could, I'd do it
every episode.
So that was that one.
Now, this next one,
the premise again,
funny premise,
it's about a dating service
where you tell 'em what
kind of girls you like,
and they'll send dudes to
just go out to malls and stuff
and "holler at bitches"
for ya.
not so bad, right?
Go ahead and just show 'em
the set up.
(woman) In a matter of seconds,
we'll beam your information
to one of our skilled
field technicians.
Hey, hey, hey.
Can I holler,
can I holler at you?
Can I holler at you?
Can I holler, holler, holler,
holler, holler, holler
holler at you.
What's wrong
with ya?
That dude is
hilarious to us.
His name's Anthony Barry,
and I mean,
everything he says is funny.
And in the course of
shooting this sketch,
we figured out he
could do this.
So we were,
like, just do that.
And we just filmed
him doing it.
This is what he did that
had us cracking up in editing.
Holler, holler, holler
holler, holler, holler
holler, holler, holler
let me holler at you,
let me holler at you
holler, holler, holler
I'm hollerin' at ya, bitch,
don't ya hear me?
Bitch, I'm hollerin' at you.
Holler, holler, holler
at you,
holler, holler, holler
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
we'll be right back,
we'll be right back.
Turn on your TV
what you gonna see?
Tonight's musical guest,
make some noise for Kanye West,
Mos Def, and Freeway.
Brooklyn stand up
Lafayette Gardens
we in the streets playa
getcha mail
it's only two
places you end up
either dead
or in jail
still nowhere to go
Yeah, yeah, you guessed
still nowhere to go
now throw ya hands up
hustlers, bustas, boostas,
hoe, everybody fuck that
still nowhere to go
Yeah, yeah., Yeah, yeah, yeah
still nowhere to go
keep it real
Mos Def
now check it,
two words: "United States"
no love, no brakes
low brow, high stakes,
crack smoke, black folks
big macs, fat folks
ecstasy capsules,
Presidenial scandals
everybody move
two words, Mos Def,
K. West, hot shit
calm down, get back,
ghetto people got this
game ball, lock shit,
dump off, cock shit
we won't
stop shit
everybody move
two words, B.K., N.Y.,
Bedstuy, too hard
too hungry,
too many, that's why
these streets know game
can't ball, don't play,
every traffic one lane
everybody move
two words, Mos Def,
K. West, hot shit
calm down, get back,
ghetto people got this
game point lock,
long pump cocked
we won't ever
see the rock
everybody move
now throw ya hands up
hustlers, bustas, boostas
hoe, everybody fuck that
still nowhere
to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah
still nowhere to go
now keep ya hands
up hustlers, bustas, boostas
hoe, everybody
fuck that
still nowhere to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Still nowhere to go
aey-yo, two words, chi town,
south side, world wide
'cause I rep? That
'til I fuckin' die
one neck, two chains,
one waist, two gats
one wall,
20 plaques
dudes say, "gimme that?"
I am limelight,
blueprint, five mics
go get his rhyme like shoulda
been signed twice?
Most imitated,
grammy nominated
hotel accommodated,
cheerleader, prom dated
barbershop, playa hated,
mom and pop bootlegged it
felt like it rained 'til
the roof caved in
two words,
chi town raised me crazy
I live by two words,
fuck you, pay me
Jesus save me
you know how the game be
I can't let em
change me
'cause on judgment day
you gonna blame me
look God
it's the same me
basically know now we
get racially profiled
cuffed up and hosed down,
pimped up and hoe down
plus I got a whole
city to hold down
from the bottom to the top
the only place to go down
and throw ya hands
up hustlers, bustas, boostas
hoe, everybody
fuck that
still nowhere to go
Yeah, yeah., yeah,
Yeah, yeah., yeah
still nowhere to go
free-way in
the block
two words: Freeway,
two letters: A-R
turn y'all
rap into two words
fast runners
like Jackie Jurner you better
sleep with your burner
the heat skeet
blow a reef through ya car
my God, two words
no guns, break arms,
break necks, break backs
Steven Segal, is free
the young bars,
fresh men of the rock
when the beef in the pot
Jay sent for his dogs
to brawl
forget ya squad,
let 'em fend for yourself
have you screamin' out four
words "send for the law"
two words,
Freeway's slightly retarded
mess around throw a clip
in your artist
leave with
his broad
get back
calm down,
get back
I'd like to thank
my musical guests.
I'd like to thank each
and everyone of y'all
for being here.
I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
I'll see you next week,
good night.
I'm rich biatch.
(horn honking)
thank you.
Like BET, the network
will also air sitcoms
such as
Gay Sanford and Son.
I gave that money
back to the church.
It's the right thing to do.
Lamont, you big
gay dummy!
Oh, gay pop.
Come on, gay Julio.
Adios, Mr. Sanford.
This is
the big gay one!
Why they dicks so small
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