Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e13 Episode Script

Black Bush

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen
Dave Chappelle!
Man, thank you, guys.
Thanks, man.
What's up, everybody?
Yo, what's up, man?
Thank you, guys,
man, shoot.
Thank you, man.
Thanks oh.
Oh man, you all got me like,
you got me touched tonight.
I would actually cry but the
reefer has dried my eyes out.
You know, I wish my
grandmother could see me.
My grandmother gave me
the best advice in my life.
She said, "you know, Dave,
"everybody wants to be
the first person
"to do something.
"Well, let me
tell you something.
"Don't ever be the
first black person
to do anything."
Because anytime
you hear
about the first black dude
that did something,
it's a terrible story,
no matter how benign.
Imagine, like who was
the first black person
to take a shit
on a white toilet?
Well, we did some research
and I think you'll be surprised
at what we found.
Good evening,
I'm Philip Halston.
In 1954, the United States
was marred with unrest.
With the bus boycotts
in Montgomery,
and Brown versus
the Board of Education
still under deliberation,
the social climate
was changing rapidly.
It was in this context
that one man,
Cyrus Holloway,
made history
when he took on the rural town
of Hartsfield, Alabama.
I remember it was a hot day
and I was working the double
shift at the steel mill.
Between shifts
I went outside
and bought myself
a roast beef sandwich
from a boy who that used to
sell 'em out front.
But little did I know
that roast beef sandwich
would change
my life forever.
Not long after lunch,
I felt a bubblin' in my stomach,
an evil bubblin'.
A bubble that to me
signified nothing else
but the early stages
of mud butt.
I had to take a dump.
I had to take a dump
The closest colored bathroom
was located
in the basement of the
steel mill near the boiler room.
Oh, that toilet
was disgusting.
It wasn't fit for
Christian butt cheeks.
My only options at that time
were I could either go
doo-doo in my trousers,
which I couldn't do,
that was my only good pair
at the time.
Or, I could use
the white restroom.
It was risky,
but so was mud butt.
Mr. Holloway proceeded
to go to the white restroom
and take what would be known
as one of the most
significant dumps
in American history.
After the historic
dump began,
one of Holloway's co-workers,
Austin Stringer,
entered the restroom.
He immediately called
the local police
who were being followed
by a television crew.
There he is, officer!
Come outta there,
With all due respect
I got the mud butt.
(Cyrus) While I was on the
toilet, they sicced dogs on me
sprayed me
with water
good lord, it's mud butt!
Finally, I just let them
haul me off to jail.
Book 'im.
Desecration of a white
facility with negroid feces.
Here's your evidence.
I could make about three,
four more bags of that
if you want, sir.
Cyrus was charged with using
a white rest facility
and faced
nine years in prison.
Word spread quickly
around Hartsfield
and the nation at large.
Civil rights activists
throughout the United States
descended on this tiny
Alabama town,
almost immediately.
My brothers and sisters,
we are gathered here
today to discuss
matters of the cocka-dookie
and the stinky-stinky.
Yes, sir!
I have a question to pose
to the government
Why can't my turd
float next to yours?
Our voices will be heard!
It was the first and largest
demonstration of its kind,
the nation's first shit-in.
No, my brothers and sisters
do not run!
Turn your butt cheeks
toward the aggressors
and let them clean
your butt cheeks
with the cascading water.
This is a good thing,
my brothers and sisters.
The shit-in made
national news
and the American legal society
picked up the case
and took it all the way
to the Supreme Court.
(protesters chanting)
In the case of Holloway versus
the State of Alabama,
the Supreme Court rules
in favor of Mr. Holloway.
It is my opinion that no matter
what the color of your skin,
your feces will be brown.
Except for the
clay colored ones,
and of course,
the spinach green.
And, no matter what
the hue of your poo,
it will
undoubtedly stink.
Good day.
(Cyrus) By the time
they read that verdict,
my butt,
my butt was calling.
I suppose I was
happy about winning,
but what I was
most happy about
was that I could get up
from that courtroom
and use the toilet.
How you doin',
Ms. Pippen?
I just remember
goin' in that bathroom
and takin' the first
free dump that I'd ever
taken in my life.
Beautiful dump.
As a matter of fact, the choir
from my church came.
And I'm gonna
lay down my burden
down by the riverside
down by the riverside
down by
the riverside
I'm gonna
lay down my burden
down by
the riverside
I'm gonna study war
no more
It is all just a matter
of the stinky stinky
and the cocka-dookie.
I'm Philip Halston,
good night.
Well, I ain't gonna
study war no more
we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
(phone ringing)
and good evening.
It's me.
It's me.
It's me
Lil' Jon.
I'm feeling lonely.
I feel like I just need
to talk to someone
who will understand,
and, well, that someone
is you, Jon.
Don't you like
I said, don't you
like popsicles?
I said, don't you
like popsicles?
Sometimes I feel like I am
all alone in this world
and I have
no one to go to!
I said, sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone
in this world
and I have no one, sir!
No one!
To go to.
No one!
That understands my pain!
Sometimes when I'm alone,
I sit on my hand and
wait 'til it gets numb
and masturbate.
I call that
a "stranger."
Have you given
yourself a stranger?
A stranger?
Yeah, yeah I do.
(phone ringing)
Hold on.
They callin' me.
Lil' Jon?
It's Oprah.
How are you?
Good, listen,
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure it's mine?
I'm sure, it's yours.
Ahh, skeet skeet
skeet skeet!
I love you.
Okay, bye bye!
It was Oprah.
She's having our baby.
I can't hear you,
my cell phone's breaking up.
I can't hear you.
Sounds like your phone
is breaking up.
Okay! yeah!
What?! Okay!
Huh? Roger!
Meltin' down!
Bye, nigga!
You've just watched
"A Moment in the Life
of Lil' Jon."
Hey gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go to
the Chappelle show.
Hey everybody, welcome back.
Welcome back
to the show.
You know, I've talked about
a lot of things on the show,
I've made fun of so many
different people.
And people say, Dave,
you talk about everybody
except the President,
why don't you do that?
Well, 'cause
he's the President.
Now, I know my limits,
ladies and gentlemen
and I wouldn't
wanna cross 'em.
But I will say this.
If our President
were black,
we would not be
at war right now.
Not because a black person
wouldn't have done something
like that,
just because America wouldn't
let a black person
do something like that
without asking them
a million questions.
You know, they
always do polls,
like, "minorities just don't
seem to trust their government."
Because you don't understand
what it looks like for us.
So let me help
paint the picture.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring
to you now, "Black Bush."
(female narrator) President
Bush continues to make his case
for an invasion of Iraq.
After carefully
examining the region,
me and my cabinet agree
that that area
is definitely ripe
for regime change.
But if I can be
real about it
be real, son.
Be real?
Be real real, son.
They tried to
kill my father, man.
I don't play that shit.
Say word, he tried to
kill your father, son.
That nigga tried
to kill my father!
Word to
everything we love,
we comin' to
see ya'll, son.
Meanwhile, President Bush
and British Prime Minister
Tony Blair
offered a spirited explanation
for a possible war with Iraq.
This nigga very possibly has
weapons of mass destruction.
I can't
sleep on that.
Not on my watch!
That's not how I roll,
that shit is serious!
Now if you don't want to
take my word for it,
why don't you ask
Tony Blair?
He got a whole 'nother set
of intelligence.
What's up, Tony?
We don't know much
about Saddam,
but we can't trust
random niggas
with things like that, as
George so eloquently put it.
I'm with him
100% of the way.
We don't know what he has.
(male narrator) If United
States goes to war with Iraq,
will it first have to
provide evidence
that Saddam Hussein has weapons
of mass destruction?
So far, the U.N.
Has found nothing,
but President Bush
counters with this:
The nigga bought
aluminum tubes!
Do I need to tell you
what the fuck you can do
with an aluminum tube?
That don't scare you?
Fine, I didn't wanna
say this
the motherfucker bought some
yellow cake, okay, in Africa.
He went to Africa
and he bought yellow cake.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!
I got the head of CIA right
here, he'll tell you!
Are you sure
are you sure I can't
believe you motherfuckers.
This is ridiculous
Me and Jeb just
comin' back from Africa.
Cradle of fuckin'
And this nigga out here
buyin' yellow cake.
From the motherland.
Are you sure it was
yellow cake?
Y'all niggas
don't believe me,
I got some yellow cake
right here!
Look, you see,
you believe this shit now.
Don't drop that shit!
I know, I know
what to do with it!
That's why I got it wrapped up
in this special CIA napkin.
Just don't drop that
shit here.
You better hope I don't
drop this shit!
Pray to God you don't
drop that shit.
Yellow cake.
Fuckin' right.
A sensitive accusation
for this administration
is the theory held by many
that the real reason
the U.S. is so interested
in toppling Saddam
is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on.
What about people who say
you're only interested in
the Middle East for oil?
Huh? Oil?
Who said something about
oil, bitch, you cookin'?
Man, I don't know.
Come on ya'll,
get outta here!
President Bush met with U.N.
Secretary General Kofi Annan
and made it clear
the U.S. will act
even if the reluctant.
U.N., you have
a problem with that?
Know what you should do?
You should
sanction me.
Sanction me with your Army.
Wait a minute!
You don't have an Army!
I guess that means you need to
shut the fuck up!
That's what I'd do
if I had no Army.
I would shh!
The fuck up.
That's right,
Kofi Annan.
You think I'm gonna take
orders from an African?
You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need 'em
when you in Times Square
selling fake hats.
I know Gucci when
I see it, nigga, I'm rich.
I got a coalition
of the willing.
I got 40 nations,
ready to roll, son!
Like who?
Who the fuck said that?
Huh? Huh?
Like who?
Japan's sending
Stankonia said they're willing
to drop bombs over Baghdad.
Rickety Row is coming!
Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu Nation.
That means I am not
doing this by myself
and I am not
disrespecting the U.N.
Even though
they don't got no Army.
Go sell some
medicine, bitches!
Trying to get that oil
oh, ho!
The U.S. fired the opening
salvo in the war on Iraq
with at least 40 Tomahawk
cruise missiles
and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad.
Good evening.
Tonight, President
George Bush
is on board the aircraft carrier
U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln
off the California coast.
It will be the sight of
what is essentially
his victory speech
in the war against Iraq.
(clears throat)
What did I say?
I'm not gloatin',
but what did I say?
Did I not say that
we would win that shit?
We rocked 'em, 'bamas!
We rocked 'em!
Nigga, you see me
come in on that plane?
Da da da da
da da da da dah!
For the second straight day,
these hardline Iraqis
protested the American
presence here.
Mr. President,
when do you think
they'll hold general
elections in Iraq?
Damn, I knew I shouldn't have
called on this nigga!
I should not have
called on you
because you're always trying
distract motherfuckers
with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues.
Gay people are
getting married, folks.
Yes nasty!
Imagine that?
Two women touchin' on each
other's tittie balls,
wrestlin' them,
gently strokin'
those nipples
until they get
just so stiff and erect!
Blowin' on 'em.
I like you.
I like you too, dog.
Let's get married, man.
It's crazy!
What about your
that shit is gross!
Mr. President, sir,
how do you explain
the continual
upheaval in Iraq
even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein?
Why are you
doing this, man?
I thought you was
my black brother.
Why you asking me
questions like that?
Fine, I'll answer your
stupid-ass question.
Here's what I feel
about Iraq.
I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq
when I'm focusing on other
things, namely the moon.
Yes, I said it,
the moon.
Can't be distracted.
"What's going on with
the war?
What's wrong with
the economy?"
Stop worrying about that
I got that shit under control!
Let's focus
on space, nigga.
The United States of Space.
'Cause I ain't
stoppin' at the moon.
Write this down:
M-A-R-S, Mars, bitches.
That's where
we are going.
Mars, red rocks!
Yeah, yeah!
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
Don't go nowhere
and we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
Turn on your TV.
What you
goin' to see?
Ladies and gentleman,
make noise for Outkast's own
Big Boi!
It's like this,
sucka go right
to motherfuckin' high.
Give me
a back, Roy.
Okay, I start out
all alone
'cause my baby mama left me
but there's nobody at home
beginning to feel like
Ms. Jackson done got cloned
well, it's some real shit
and I'm livin' it
through this song
a moving vehicle
took my family
as I slept out on the sofa
in the boom boom room
I woke up very upset
I throw the covers back and
peep out through the draperies
my daughter, my baby,
my baby mama all escaping me
like a candle in the wind
she was my friend
like Princess Di
before she died
therefore we tried
and tried again
but in the end you pay
attention to the pluses
but the minuses behind make it
seem like you can't win
throw your neck out
throw your back out
throw your neck out
my neck
and my back
this is dedicated
to that special lady
that I'm paying $3,000
a month for that baby
you know what
your name is
round two, a single parent
what is Big to do?
Throw a party?
Not hardly
I'm trying to stay up
outta that womb
that P-U-S-S
I say uss
Luther Vandross
couldn't make a home
out of this house
that we smooshed
smashed, pushed to the limit
smash and turned it timid
and everyone was suffering
the house was feeling wicked
the cat got old
the dog got old
the food got cold
both of our tempers
were on swole'
for the most part
you fuss, fight, fart
you build it up
to break it down
and now take it
from the start
repeatedly leading a path
that only ends in a clash
of two stubborn minds
grown folks blind to the sign
throw your neck out
throw your back out
throw your neck out
throw your
back out
come on
throw your neck out, yeah
throw your back out
throw your neck out
throw your neck,
neck, neck out
throw your back out
throw your back out
K.O. knocked out
by technicality
the love has
kissed the canvas
now the whole family
gets mad at me
my daughter don't want me
at her PTA meetings
and then my son
he can't talk
when I change him he's peeing
I think he's pissed
I can't dismiss
the matter of the fact
because he saw
me and you argue
now the energy
is coming back
set an example
a positive pattern
keep life on track
but I'm married to the music
and committed to the wax
tapes and cds
baby please, you make me
want to scream
you're on my team
starting first string
so why are we arguing?
Take cds, baby please
you make me want to scream
you're on my team
starting first string
so why are we arguing?
Throw your
fuckin' neck out
I'd like to thank my guest,
Big Boi of Outkast.
And I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here.
And everyone at home for
supporting the show.
It's been an amazing season.
We love you,
we thank you for it.
We shook up the world!
I'm out!
I'm rich bee-yotch!
(honk honk)
Hi, thank you!
Who do you know
in Iraq?
The war is over!
The war is over!
You know
who this is?
Antwone Fisher
he's still here.
He's still standing,
he's still strong!
Just like America!
take a bow!
Some brave teachers,
big up to you teachers.
There's a milkman in
the house, what's poppin'?
Rocksteady Crew's
in the house.
Crazy legs,
what's up, my nigga?
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