Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe (2013) s03e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

1 Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe - a programme all about things that are happening.
Things like this HSBC has been accused of helping customers avoid taxes, apparently encouraging them to hide profits in Switzerland.
I for one am disappointed in HSBC because they always seemed like such a nice faceless conglomerate.
Greece might have to pull out of the Eurozone.
The HALLOUMING crisis seems like a FETA COMPLIS.
It's all a terrible PITTA.
Going from KEBAB to worse.
Greece puns.
Intense, consensual domestic violence movie Fifty Shades Of Grey is about to come out.
I read the script.
It had "hit" written all over it - in the stage directions.
The main character is an S&M fanatic called Christian Grey.
Already people are asking when will moderate Christians condemn his campaign of violence? There were jubilant and uplifting scenes as Eddie Redmayne triumphed at the BAFTAs.
He appeared in The Theory of Everything, playing a young Stephen Hawking before he'd evolved wheels.
But we start with ISIS.
Tonight at 10, outrage in Jordan as one of its pilots is burned to death by IS extremists.
It feels like ISIS is engaged in a kind of sickening game of one-downsmanship with itself, daring itself to produce something more barbaric than the last killing.
It's hard to know how to even wrap your head around this level of horror coupled with its total accessibility.
Not so long ago, we had to fall asleep to experience nightmares, we now live in a world where, at any moment, your phone could buzz in your pocket and it might be someone tweeting a photo of their lunch, or a video of someone dying in agony.
Then there's the question of whether to look or not to look.
Spoiler - the sane answer is "not to look".
Which isn't made easy for you.
The numb and frightened faces of the victims appear on the front page of newspapers and in search results.
It becomes unavoidable.
Not that everyone tries to avoid it.
In the Daily Mail, Piers Morgan claimed he was "glad" he watched the video depicting a caged man being burned to death because it helped him understand how evil ISIS can be, which betrays an ASTOUNDING lack of imagination.
Fox News meanwhile broadcast an exhaustive spoken word moment-by-moment description of the video from host Shepherd Smith, who watched it so you wouldn't have to.
Which you didn't have to anyway.
We're not going to show you the video, obviously.
It's 23 minutes plus, that video.
And you've got to cut to commercials in ten minutes! I'm going to tell you about it, all of it, every bit of it.
Fox also garnered much criticism for embedding the entire video, uncensored, on their website.
It tells you something about America's stomach for violence, that while a terrorist snuff video can be carried uncensored, an innocuous report about a nudist beach on the same website comes with black boxes superimposed over the buttocks.
Because it's important to confront the reality of murder, but, oh, my BLEEP, we can't handle a bum.
If ISIS ever started killing people in the nude, Fox is going to have a real editorial dilemma on its hands.
Of course, TV news is helplessly, institutionally addicted to relaying eye-popping imagery wherever it comes from and whatever it shows, as this shocking footage of the recent Taiwan air disaster makes clear.
As a consequence, the slickly-crafted video output of ISIS has effectively turned swathes of the Western media into an unofficial jihadist propaganda distribution network.
It all conspires to make you feel absolutely helpless.
To feel less helpless, you could get the inside track by watching informative current affairs shows like Newsnight.
They didn't quite get an interview from someone from ISIS, but they did speak to an expert from an anagram of ISIS - IISS.
I wouldn't be surprised if we are looking at 10 to 15 years of instability and insecurity in Iraq, in Syria, in parts of North Africa.
Aye, aye - the guy from the IISS says ISIS ices any other crisis, Whereas I says let's see what CSIS says vis-a-vis ISIS so we can assess this.
The US can probably bring in the air power if the President decides to take that risk.
See, CSIS says we've got to seize this if we're going to cease this.
That's his thesis - that we're all in the faeces.
Entertainment! And movie buffs rejoice as Britain gets its first 4DX cinema, which transforms the cinema-going experience for ever.
Instead of sitting through a shit and awful modern film, you'll physically suffer through a shit and awful modern film, while the cinema itself jolts you back and forth in a desperate bid to keep you awake.
You know, like films used to back in the days when they had stories.
As well as shaking the audience around like gawping skittles on a Vietnamese bus, the 4DX system puffs out smoke, sprays you with water, emits smells from a backstage depository, and even releases bubbles you know, for all those films with bubbles in! Like Indiana Jones and the Bubble Hand Man.
Anyway, the initial test drives proved exciting as all the news channels were keen to point out.
Groovy glasses.
Let's start the effects.
Hang on.
Am I going to get wet? I suppose it depends on what kind of film you're watching.
One film sadly unavailable in 4DX is erotic beat-'em-up Fifty Shades of Grey.
Cinemas across the land are preparing to fling their hot-red doors wide open for this movie adaptation of one of the finest works of clit-erature of our age.
As the finely-crafted trailer makes clear, it's a love story in which innocent young Anastasia Steele shacks up with sadomasochist dreamboat Christian Grey.
He's a sort of Lego Colin Firth, who initially seems like any other besuited piss-hat - but it transpires he has "predilections", as becomes apparent when he pops up in Ana Steele's DIY store, in what closely resembles a Two Ronnies tribute.
Do you stock cable ties? No, but we've got "fork 'andles".
In fact, Grey has a secret "red room" filled with objects you can either smack someone with, or push up your arse.
Which describes absolutely any room, come to think of it.
Most sex films cater to male fantasies, so even if Fifty Shades is rubbish, it's at least notable that it revolves around female sex fantasies.
It's more of a bean flick than a chick flick.
But if that's vaguely progressive, the unofficial tie-ins aren't, a glaring example being this ad for washing liquid Flirty Shades of Surf.
Hi, we're the Surf Household Heroes.
To celebrate the new flirty shades of Surf fragrance Don't know what Surf's got to do with sadomasochistic sex.
Maybe you can use it as a lubricant.
Naturally, the film's imminent release didn't go unnoticed by housewives' favourite and brunchtime BuzzFeed simulator, This Morning, which used it as an excuse to do a cheerful item on specialist BLEEP equipment.
Good morning.
On the show today, we open the bedroom door and unlock the secrets between the sheets with the lowdown on a range of toys that you might not normally admit to owning.
Well, I for one love my Pippo Schofield collection and I don't care who knows it.
Instead, a bunch of "adult fun" products were examined in detail, and demonstrated live on air, in a kind of QVC BDSM OMFG.
This is USB rechargeable, so it's brilliant because you don't need to worry about replacing the batteries.
Yeah, but on the downside, you do have to worry about getting pubes in your USB socket.
The pervy gizmos ran the full gamut from vanilla old eye masks to For God's Sake, Pull This Thing Out Of Me.
There were also hot amateur reviews from actual Reader's Wives.
I rate these 6 out of 10.
If you like pain, you'll love these.
But they are painful.
And there were handy hints, like the importance of safe words.
It's very important that both partners are fully into it, and that you settle on a safe word, so if it ever gets too much or you decide you don't like it, say your safe word and you both know that means stop.
It's funny, really, cos the word "stop" doesn't count as a safe word.
It has to be something you'd never normally say during sex.
Like "Schofield!" The undisputed high point, which was sadly slightly off camera, came when Pip Schofield tested a nipple clamp on himself.
Aaghhhh! There's a proper grip on those.
I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming which really turned me on.
Oooooh.
Solo BDSM.
Ooh, I'm a naughty boy.
Ooh! Ow! Ow! Oh, stop! Oh! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Ow! Schofield! Schofield! I'll tell you what's a worry - the economy.
I mean, the recovery can't be going brilliantly if the biggest business story of the past week has been Poundland buying 99p Stores for 55 million.
That's a heck of a mark up.
And the 99p store's already got a rival snapping at its heels.
What would you say is the main difference between you and the 99p stores? It's 1p less.
Money is just not what it was.
A few years ago, everyone in the world was loaded and into this sort of bling stuff.
But then the computers crashed and all the money was deleted.
So now there's nowhere near as much as there was.
It mainly affected money outside the banks because they'd backed most of theirs up, so they could still print it out on banknotes.
But the rest of us have to do austerity until our money comes back which is taking ages.
Basically, with austerity, you spend less on stuff you don't need like art installations or pavements.
Not everyone is into it.
Like, the disabled keep moaning about their benefits being taken away.
But they can still make money by doing Paralympics or getting mugged outside their own home.
It's hard to care about austerity because it's not like a tornado or an explosion, where you can see pictures of it on the news and go, "Oh, dear, that's their lives ruined," and then rewind it and watch it again.
Austerity is sort of invisible, like a gas, but a gas that kills money.
There's not much to show on the news except things that are closed, or sort of maths things or food banks, which are like NatWest for peas.
Oxfam says the wealthiest 1% will soon own more than the rest of the world's population I suppose it's a bit gutting, seeing the 1% people putting up the nice tall pointy buildings while everyone else is sort of coughing to death in knackered old hospitals on the ground.
But with a lot of the 1%-ers, it's not their fault they're in the 1%.
They were just born there.
They've literally done nothing to put themselves in the 1%, so picking on them is literally the same as racism.
Since the money crisis began, loads of European countries have been skint.
But Greece, right, got totally skint.
So, basically, Germany lent them loads of money, like Wonga but in German, which is Vonga.
The Greek economy had to undergo IMF treatment and do tons of austerity - like, really austeritied the fuck out of itself.
After a while, they didn't want to keep up the repayments so they invented a new government who didn't believe in money.
There's uncertainty in Europe tonight after Greece voted in an anti-austerity government.
After the Greeks stopped believing in money, the Spanish stopped believing in it.
And now the Eurozone people are worried everyone might stop believing in it and it'll disappear, and we'll have to barter with, like, sticks or, I don't know, handfuls of soil, instead of using bank cards, which will be tragic cos they've only just invented that contactless payment thing.
They said austerity left Greece devastated, but it's hard to tell because the footage was all people sitting around and things looking a bit half-finished and political graffiti on the walls.
Which is what Greece looked like anyway back in 2002 when I went there with my mate Paul.
He fell off a scooter and took all the skin off his palms.
That's not relevant but it stuck in my head and I don't think the sight of it will ever leave me, to be honest.
As Greece's freshly elected government goes head-to-head with the Eurozone, all eyes are on Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis, not because he's a pivotal figure but because he looks cool as shit! Welcome to the eye of the European storm.
This is Greece, formerly associated with carefree fun in the sun.
But more recently, the skies have darkened.
We are now being told that this place is threatening to bring down with it the whole of the European continent.
Yes, it's Yanis Varoufakis - the coolest politician in the world.
I mean, look at him.
He doesn't even wear a tie, and he looks like a murderer - that's cool.
And he rides a motorbike.
He's like the Terminator, but for Greek debt.
The Pay-You-Later! He's also got his own Twitter account, a blog about how money doesn't really exist, and he's got a devoted following of groupies.
He's the Liam off One Direction of Greek finance ministers.
But Europe seems scared of him.
Possibly because he looks a bit like a Bond villain.
He dresses like a Bond villain, he grins like a Bond villain, and he sounds like a Bond villain.
My message to our German friends, and indeed to all Europeans, is that no hand will be overplayed.
And now, Mr Bond, I expect you to yield.
Varoufakis has been complaining about austerity ever since the '90s, when he dressed like a backing dancer from a Paula Abdul video.
We have a much higher deficit than we had in '89 and a great deal of pain in terms of a reduction in living standards.
More recently, he's been muttering dire warnings about Nazis, actual Nazis, ie, Golden Dawn, who came third in the Greek elections, and might benefit should Syriza fall.
His mention of Nazis added a bit of spicy historical beef to the economic standoff between Greece and Germany.
To wear my historical hat for a moment, back in World War II, Germany occupied Greece.
Hundreds of thousands of people died and the Nazis drew a forced loan from the Bank of Greece.
The new Greek government claims that debt has never been fully paid back.
Anyway, recently, Varoufakis has been out and about looking cool, touring Europe to tell financial bigwigs he wants a negotiation over Greece's crippling debts.
I'm not quite sure what his strategy is, but it chiefly involves convincing everyone in Europe that money doesn't actually exist.
And he's so frugal that when he travels he carries his own luggage, he flies economy, and he avoids roaming charges by only using an imaginary phone.
And I have to tell you, I am a great BBC fan.
I've never listened to such an inaccurate report.
Yes, Varoufakis is the man of the moment.
When he visited the UK, even our anchors sounded impressed.
The man who could yet bring down the euro, the new Greek finance minister, rocked up in Downing Street today in biker boots and a leather jacket.
Sure enough, as ITN skilfully depicted, he's so cool and austere, he'd walked all the way there from Greece, dressed like a cool binman, to fool the TV cameras.
'In fact, this cameraman filmed the rather more plausible besuited official walking up Downing Street 'to meet George Osborne.
' As soon as he was indoors, he looked comfortable and at home, much more so than George, as he patiently explained to Osborne that money doesn't exist, and that therefore being chancellor is a waste of BLEEP time.
News that didn't seem to go down too well with Gideon here.
Well, it's clear that the stand-off between Greece and the Eurozone is fast becoming the biggest risk to the global economy and it's a rising threat to our economy at home.
It doesn't matter, mate.
Money isn't real anyway.
I read it on a blog.
In Greek.
I can read Greek.
Anyway, having thoroughly spooked Gideon, Varoufakis slightly undermined his cool guy image when he left without his leather coat.
Although, come to think of it, he had probably sold it to somebody indoors for 20 euros.
Which will probably be enough to buy Athens in a few weeks.
Privacy is a hot topic right now cos Samsung has warned owners of its smart TV to watch what they say when they're sitting in front of it because, unlike your family, it actually listens to you.
Someone else who's concerned about privacy, especially internet privacy, is typical YouTube vlogger Zeb, who's here to enliven us with some of his "young online" views.
Take it away, Zeb.
Hi, gang.
Zeb here just saying hello.
Hi! So, the other day I read this thing about David Cameron's plans to let the Government snoop on everything you do on the internet which seems sort of nosy.
Anyway, I started doing a ukulele protest jam about it.
Then I had some toast, then I did more jamming and I had a little think and I thought, "I'll do this upload, "you're watching now, about why privacy is so cool.
" Privacy is cool because it lets you do private things.
My parents used to follow me on Twitter and they were always eavesdropping on what I said and being all parenty.
That wasn't totally Mum's fault.
She is kind of a downer and sometimes does stuff like lying in bed all day with the door and curtains shut.
'Mum! What's for tea? Hello? Oh, cheer up.
' It is blatantly one of the top five reasons why I moved out when I finally got my book advance.
Mum doesn't like to talk about the crying in bed stuff and that's what's private for HER.
And I respect that, but on the other hand, what I say on Twitter is private between me and my followers.
So, I blocked her which was really hard for me so I did an upload about how I felt.
'What's the point in having a mum sometimes, know what I mean? 'I don't mean that horribly I just' And that got loads of likes so I followed it up with another one.
'I am just sick of it.
'And when she is awake, she is in my earhole all the time.
' And then dad showed up in the comments which was a total violation of privacy so I reported him for spam because sometimes privacy's a right you have to fight for.
I did one of my epic rants about that a few weeks ago.
'He is as bad as mum.
"Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm"' Don't worry if you missed it because I have shot a higher tech version of it for the new ITV2 show I'm in next week.
House of Tuber.
'Shut up, the pair of you! Would you just leave me alone?' It's sort of Made In Chelsea for vloggers.
I've already seen the rough cut and it's sick.
The production dudes asked me not to upload it here because it's private to them until it goes out.
Of course I said yes, because privacy rules.
And that's why I say no to the snoopers charter.
Don't forget to subscribe for my channel for 58 uploads a day, seven days a week.
Thanks for watching! Bye! While austerity swirls around us, TV is encouraging viewers to tighten their belts with shows like Eat Well For Less, in which MasterChef's Gregg Wallace and TV greengrocer Chris Babbin try to stop regular folk overspending in the supermarket.
Gregg Wallace is a good choice for this show cos he reminds you of the cheapest food there is, the potato.
And his sidekick Chris is a cheeky chappy - a sort of Dapper Sprouts.
Would you be happy with it if it came in a black box or a pink box? Or a polka dot box? It doesn't matter to me what colour box it comes in.
I can't help thinking the cockney twosome is wasted in this format.
They could be a new pair of Mitchell brothers walking into the Queen Vic.
Not slouching round Tesco moaning about the sinister conspiracy of great big labels telling you how much things cost.
Why are they telling me so boldly that that is £2? Cos it must be good value.
I have come in and never meant to buy strawberries and now I'm buying them because it has a big red sticker on it! Yeah, BLEEP manipulative supermarket bastards.
Next they'll be giving you some sort of cage on wheels to make it easy to carry those strawberries around.
Devious BLEEPs! Gregg and Chris are down the supermarket to lurk in the background as this week's family do their regular shop, which generally consists of them thoughtlessly lobbing produce into their trolleys without giving a fig for the financial consequences.
'Howard's impulsive habits have the food bills racking up.
' Like I've heard of that.
Sumac.
I've no idea what it is.
Or what you'd use it for.
I'll go for it.
This wanton, decadent spending on the likes of frozen sausages outrages the Mitchell brothers, as well it might.
What's that? What's that? Is that frozen sausages.
We usually have three bags in the freezer.
Two are on stand by.
How many bags in the freezer, Jenny? Three! Ugh! How many sausages are the family going through? Then they trail them all the way home.
And before the family can unpack their thousand bags of sausages, Gregg and Chris perform a full audit on their kitchen, apparently getting wound up at what they discover is already there.
Gregg, this is full of stuff they've just been and bought.
You're kidding me? That is a full-up fridge.
This is what it should look like AFTER you've been shopping.
Oh, those wasteful BLEEPs.
They are worse than ISIS or should I say Rice-IS? For crying out loud, do we need this much rice? They'd be much better off buying a great big two/three kilo bag of rice.
You know, I hope Gregg's only pretending to be angry about what's in someone else's cupboards.
If he's really this furious about it, it's a disturbing mental condition.
It makes more sense to shoot John Lennon cos you've read Catcher In The Rye than it does to be angry about the amount of beans in someone else's kitchen.
Beans! Beans! Beans! Beans! There's BEANS everywhere! And that may be a crazy concept to them - go to the supermarket, buy some food and EAT IT! Having been infuriated by the contents of the kitchen, they stage a baked-bean tin-tervention, confronting the couple with the financial insanity of their spending habits.
Over the course of a year Hmm it comes to about £13,000.
Oh, my God.
That is an incredible amount of money.
That's terrible.
That's not funny.
No.
Tell you what, mate, cheer yourself up, have a spoonful of sumac.
And a sausage.
Now, this point, at which the family realise they should maybe make their money go further, should be the end of the show, but it isn't, because the BBC has to make its licence fee money go further.
So the programme keeps going, stretching a 5-minute piece into a 58-minute epic.
So there's item after item, some bits involving the family, some bits of consumer reportage You are going to show me how to make orange juice from concentrate.
Yes.
.
.
reviews of different tea bags It was a bit tangy but I think it had a favour.
.
.
basic cookery advice Three cuts in there.
Three or four down like that.
.
.
and bits where there's absolutely nothing to do, but they have to fill in anyway because the cameraman's apparently paid by the day and not the hour.
Got to be a bit Italian.
Sing some Italian songs.
# Onions, onions what you going to do? # Onions, onions For me and you La-la-la-la This is just like being in jail with these people.
I've eaten economy sausages with less filler than this.
Come to think of it, this is just like an economy sausage - it's cheap, mass produced, and it contains chunks of meat of dubious origin.
By the end, the family's learned to live within its means and everyone's learned a thing or two about thrift.
That's a great saving.
That's a keep for me.
But perhaps the biggest lesson in thrift is how to make a spare presenter you've got in the cupboard go a long way.
Because the BBC is certainly getting the most out of Gregg Wallace.
As well as Eat Well For Less they make him judge meals in the super-tense MasterChef, he stirfries whatever THAT is in the entertaining British Food Revival, he jigs around on the glamorous Strictly Come Dancing, he takes part in sick 9½ Weeks tributes in the scintillating magic show The Magicians.
He enlivens an otherwise dry money programme with his barking I'm Gregg Wallace, and I want to know how the downturn is changing the way we eat.
He speaks to potential relatives in the moving Who Do You Think You Are? My name's Gregg Wallace.
He's a bit of cheerful table-padding on the Hootenanny.
Gregg Wallace and Deborah Meaden here at this table here.
He's a guest panellist on Would I Lie to You? Gregg Wallace! He's listing pet hates on the laugh-a-minute Room 101.
Joining me tonight are MasterChef's Gregg Wallace He's a welcome presence on the warm and cuddly Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice.
Gregg Wallace! He keeps the sofa warm on the pleasant The One Show.
Guests don't get much better than this.
No, it's John Torode and Gregg Wallace.
Yes! He waddles around with things dangling from his scrotum in the eye-popping Shooting Stars.
Try them down in his mouth, Gregg.
Come on, now No, no! Even when he's not physically present, he's there.
He's used as a visual reference on the arresting Crimewatch.
He looks a little like MasterChef's Gregg Wallace.
They mention him on uplifting daytime soap Doctors.
You're the one who pervs over Gregg Wallace and stares at pictures of food on the internet.
Well, not at sheep maggots.
He's likened to a contestant on Pointless.
Slight Gregg Wallace look.
What do you reckon? Gregg Wallace? Yeah, I can see that.
He brightens up the Odd One Out round of Have I Got News For You.
John Donne, Gregg Wallace and Thor.
He's the subject of a question on the tense game show Perfection.
TV's Gregg Wallace is a qualified rugby coach - is that true or false? It's true.
Good bit of knowledge there, Gary.
He's the subject of a question on glitzy quiz show Break The Safe.
Gregg Wallace.
Is correct.
He's the subject of a question on glitzy quiz show Breakaway.
Which Australian chef co-presents MasterChef with Gregg Wallace? And he's casually discussed on the cosy Celebrity Antiques Road trip.
Who was your judge? John Torode and Gregg Wallace.
Oh, Gregg Wallace.
Gosh.
Yeah.
Say what you like about the licence fee, you can't complain about how much Gregg Wallace you get for your money.
Valentine's Day is nearly upon us.
I'll tell you what would be a really good show to watch on Valentine's Day - Dinner Date.
Look at it! It's brilliant, so romantic.
But could it be even more brilliant if it was compressed down and performed against the clock by Mr Jake Yapp? Well, yes, it could.
Here he is.
I'm a generic, non-threatening Northern voice-over introducing a completely original format without precedent in television history, that isn't in any way a dining contest with a dating element nailed onto it.
Let's meet Brian Bland from the Midlands, who'll choose from five menus with heavily flagged clues to the depressed dates behind them.
Menu number one has a starter of princess pink "cat-lady in waiting" calamari, followed by "needy" fish pie and a dessert of "why am I crying?" salted caramel cheesecake.
Menu number two has exotic fried plantains, followed by "token" jerk chicken and spicy jollof rice with a desert called "I am Black, OK?" Mango Parfait.
Let's go to our first date in a soulless house on a new-build estate in Leicester, decorated by Homebase with "Dance like no-one's watching" stencilled on the wall, where Sue is preparing her starter of "get up and go" grilled lettuce followed by "I might be 38 but there's still hope "if I work out enough" fat-free cabbage salsa and a warm air pudding.
"Bing-bong!" goes the door.
"I brought this for you.
" "Oh, that's nice.
" "Yeah.
" "Come through.
" "Thanks.
" Time to make a few sardonic and unfunny comments in voice-over.
Again, a fresh take on dining competition television and a bit too over-reliant on phrases like "as you do" and "that'll be the salt, then", as we watch them brokenly stagger through the evening, play-acting at adulthood like children abandoned in a Romanian orphanage.
What's the verdict? "I give her one and a half stars.
" "I give him one and a half stars.
" Repeat times three, and now Brian must choose which one to take on a date in the poncey bistro up the road, and which two - and this is where the format really bursts into life - will get a ready-made meal to microwave.
Spectacular finale! And look at that, he's picked the black lady because she least resembles whoever he was last living with, possibly his ex-wife but probably his mother.
Bye.
Democracy! And Sky News emboldens the voting process with some "stand up and be counted" democracy-in-action type bumwash in which "yaaang" people got to blatantly "aks" the leaders their questions.
The young are always asking questions.
Mainly because of that stupid rising cadence thing they do? Where everything's a question? Because they're insecure? Stupid little bastards? The event was held at Facebook's London HQ.
You know, Facebook - the social network young people associate with their parents.
Because it was for young people, they had young people things there to keep the young people occupied.
Ping-pong table here - will they bat those questions back and forth? This is a break-out area, as young people call it, apparently, in trendy parlance these days.
'Table football there.
' Will any of the leaders today score an own goal? Jesus, how will you patronise them next? Give them a sweetshop? Oh, right, yeah, you have.
How compelling was she? For me personally, she was an inspiration.
Da yoot of today aren't moved by politics, although you could see them being moved by the production team.
The leaders were being quizzed by average everyday young folk, only around 75% of whom seemed to be wearing glasses.
Because it was for young folk, it was styled like a late '90s Zoo TV format or Nosin' Around, two references they won't understand.
Still, on its own, the decor might not have looked too cool, but the moment David Cameron strode in, the set instantly became 200 times cooler.
By comparison.
Thank you, David Cameron.
Let's have a round of applause for the Prime Minister.
In the event, Cameron managed to just about withstand his burning compulsion to assume reptilian form and devour the nearest bystander in front of horrified onlookers.
Coping equally well with the creche-like vibe was Supersonic Sid Miliband, who found himself interviewed by Sky's yoof-friendly selfie stick interviewer.
Is this your first selfie stick interview? It is my first selfie stick interview.
Ed doesn't have a selfie stick of his own.
But he doesn't really have a self.
Anyway, the high point came when a member of the auds - that's youthspeak for audience - asked Ed Miliband how authentic a person he really is.
Outside of politics, what experience do you have, what life experience do you have to associate and indicate that you should be the one to represent the people of Britain? Well, I've done a number of things which I think, I hope, are relevant to this, so I was obviously an economic adviser in the Treasury, and I think that's important.
Might be important, Ed, but the question was "outside of politics".
I've taught.
Oh, OK.
I taught at Harvard University.
Oh.
No.
Not normal.
I taught around government and economics.
That's politics again.
And I think that, actually, one of the things that did for me, being able to teach, was actually the ability to be able, I hope, to listen and engage with people.
You didn't listen and engage when he asked you not to mention politics.
I also go back to this, which is about what politics is about.
Stop saying politics! I think this is the big This is a really important issue.
Why am I in politics, you might wonder? Can you not stop? Stop! Schofield! Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
Until next time, go away.