Charmed s05e01 Episode Script

Okay, Piper, I can't be late getting to the office today.
I have a radio interview with those morning guys, Pip and Skeeter.
That's Skip and Peter.
Could you forget about your advice column for two seconds? Come see where we're putting the nursery.
You're putting it in your closet.
I've seen your closet.
There's a lot of shoes, honey.
No, not anymore.
Look, it's perfect.
It's a little cramped, though, don't you think? That's why I'm adding a window, to bring in light and create a sense of space.
You guys are very cute.
But why are you doing all this now? Your due date's not for months.
Well, demon activity has been light, so it's a good time to get ahead.
Speaking of ahead, I can't believe you guys didn't notice my billboards downtown.
Oh, honey, of course we noticed them.
You can see them from a passing 747.
We'd have told you how proud we are, but you never slow down to give us a chance.
Well, you know, nothing perks up a girl's career like sending her husband straight to hell.
Okay, well, I've seen the nursery, and it's absolutely beautiful, but I really have to go to that interview.
Honey, I know your work is very important to you.
But guess what.
I'm having a baby.
I know.
Yeah, so how about you take a couple minutes to be Aunt Phoebe? Oh, my God, you're so right.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, what do you need? An opinion.
I'm thinking Positions! Bogey in three, two, one! So much for the theory that Borneo demons are impervious to magical powers.
I can't wait to tell the local witch doctors.
Excuse me, can we refrain from blowing up demons in the nursery? Oh, honey, it was just one.
Piper, you're going to be a mom.
You need to start thinking about the safety of our daughter.
And you, you're getting so caught up with this magical kick.
Look at your hair.
It's still red from the potion you blew up last night.
Do you have any idea how much this would cost in a salon? I love your new 'do, honey.
I think you look beautiful.
Okay, bye.
Thank you.
Honey, sweets, toots? I appreciate that you're very concerned, but I am still a witch, and we do still have innocents to protect and demons to fight.
I can't just crawl in a hole.
It's too bad, Mylie, but your time is up.
You had 30 days to find love or the penalty would be death.
But he does love me.
I know he does.
Oh, really? Did he tell you? He doesn't have to tell me he loves me.
Well, actually, he does.
But he'll never say he loves you until he trusts you.
And he'll never trust you until you tell him what you really are.
You see why I always win these bargains.
As an immortal being, I'm afraid only you can give up your life.
Place this auger shell over your heart.
It will draw your immortality inside.
And if I don't? Then you can rot for eternity right here.
You're wrong.
He does love me.
And I'm gonna prove it.
Leo, I can't believe you found all our old baby stuff.
Grams was a bit of a pack rat.
Baby book.
My baby book.
Oh, look how squishy I was.
You were so adorable.
Leo, you can't even see the picture.
I'm your whitelighter.
I've been watching you ever since you were a baby.
Yeah, see, that's too creepy to think about.
I never knew that Mom kept a baby book for me.
Why not? I mean, you started one for our daughter.
I always thought you and your mom were a lot alike.
It's strange to think that she went through everything I'm going through right now.
I don't think you ever really know how much your mother loves you until you become one yourself.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Here.
- Why don't you let me help you? - It's heavy.
Well, see, that's kind of why I wanted to help you with it.
Piper, when are you gonna accept the fact that you're pregnant? When are you gonna stop being so overprotective? All I'm suggesting is that you slow down.
Okay, Leo, I'm not gonna be one of those women that sits on her ass and eats bonbons throughout her entire pregnancy.
That's just not the woman you married.
Besides, generations of Halliwell women raised perfectly normal children before me.
They all got through it, and so will I.
Not all of them.
What's that supposed to mean? How far along in the book have you gotten? There was no one there to finish it after your mother died.
Like I said, you're a lot like your mother.
She was careless too.
She thought she was invincible.
She was wrong.
Hello.
Begging your evil pardon.
I bear a message from my master.
Necron? He wants the immortality you promised him, and he wants it now! His words, not mine.
Tell your master he'll get what he wants, but he must be patient.
Oh, no.
I can't tell him that.
No disrespect, but skeletal beings aren't known for their patience.
Then you best hurry along.
I'll do as you ask.
But it'll be the last thing I do before Necron eats my life force.
Then comes for yours.
Water Rise up from the sea Find the one who fled from me Follow where the winds are cold Then fall tenfold like days of old Mylie.
- Mylie, hey.
- Hey.
I'm so sorry to pull you out of your meeting.
They said it was important.
What's going on? I need to know how you feel about me.
What's so funny? - You know what I love? - No, what? Your enthusiasm.
What else? Well, l I love this dimple right here when you smile.
Mylie, what's going on here? Look, I told you, I need to know how you feel about me deep inside.
It's important.
Well, listen, I'm gonna be on a plane in two hours to go to New York.
When I get back, we'll go out No, before you get on the plane.
I can't explain right now, but unless you tell me how you feel about me, I may not be here when you get back.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm sorry, this isn't a threat.
It just It is what it is.
Look, Mylie, this isn't the time or the place for this.
Whatever I feel for you should come out when I'm ready.
But we're running out of time.
Look, Craig, I admit that this isn't fair, what I'm asking you.
But it's what I need right now if you want to keep me in your life.
Okay.
If it's that important, okay.
When I first met you I felt a wall come down.
A wall around my heart.
I mean, I don't know how to say this, but - I gotta go.
- What? - Wait a minute, you just - I'm so sorry.
I've gotta go.
Matthews! In my office, now! Weather advisory: If you're gonna go outside, bring a paddle.
Where were you? I had to run the McKenzie papers over to the courthouse.
You've been gone an hour.
Yeah, well, there's a freak rainstorm.
The entire city's flooded.
You should've let someone know where you're headed.
You have this habit of coming and going as you please.
As I please? No, I come and go as other people please.
That's what assistants do.
They run errands.
I'll tell you a little secret.
They don't like it.
Well, your behaviour has got to change.
Maybe it'll change if you promote me to social worker.
I already did.
You start tomorrow.
He promoted you? Congratulations.
- Thanks, I guess.
- What do you mean, you guess? Paige, you've worked so hard for this.
It's your dream.
Yeah, Cowan already gave me the big responsibility speech.
No more coming to work late, no more long lunches.
Hold on a second, sweetie.
Nancy O'Dell's producer's on the phone.
They want to know if you want hair and makeup.
No, I will do my own.
Thanks.
- Hi.
- Nancy O'Dell? Yeah, she wants to interview me on TV tomorrow.
Look at you, blowing up around town.
Billboards, radio, TV.
What's next? Phoebe, the world tour? Oh, no, even better.
- Divorce court.
- What? I can't believe you found time to push a divorce through the system.
I just want my life back.
I don't want to have to look over my shoulder, praying that Cole isn't gonna find a way out of the demonic wasteland, you know? - Do you think he will? - You know what? I don't care.
Because even if he does, after today, I'll be free.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
It's just that I recognize you from your billboard.
- I need your help.
- Oh, that's sweet, sweetie.
But if you write a letter, then I respond to everyone.
No, you don't understand.
I recognized you as a Charmed One.
You're very famous where I come from.
I'm not evil or anything.
- I've heard that one before.
- No, honestly.
- We need to go.
- Well, yeah! The Sea Hag can track my tail.
- Well, then make it go away.
- I can't.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, hang on! Okay, I just cut work on the day of my big promotion and sped through a rainstorm to get here.
- What is the 911? - Phoebe found a mermaid.
Actually, she found me.
On the way to a very important court date, I might add.
Hi, I'm Mylie.
You must be Paige.
You have a very big underwater fan base.
You're a mermaid? You guys actually exist? Excuse me, when you said Sea Hag, did you mean like old-woman hag or evil-magic hag? Because, see, I'm not really in the battle mood today.
She's kind of both.
Forget that, what's life like under the sea? Does your skin get wrinkly? Does algae pose a personal-hygiene problem? Okay, guys, why don't we let her up for a little air? No, it's okay, I don't mind.
Actually, there's nothing like being a mermaid.
You get to swim in the open sea all day, explore endless wonders.
- It's pure freedom.
- Sounds like heaven.
I'm sure you wanna get back.
I can drop you off at the beach No, you don't understand.
It was a great life for the first few hundred years.
Mermaids are immortal.
Yeah, we can spend eternity at sea.
Because our hearts are, well, some say, as cold as the water.
But sometimes a mermaid gets Ionely, and her heart warms, and she wants more.
Is that what happened to you? The ocean's floor is littered with bones of mortals who died for love.
I had to know why.
Now, these bones, could they be bones of mortals that perhaps the Sea Hag killed? - Piper.
- What? So you said you wanted to feel love.
Is that why you saw the Sea Hag? Yes.
If a mortal professes his love to a mermaid, she becomes human.
The Sea Hag agreed to give me legs, but if I didn't find love before her deadline, I would have to give her my immortality.
All that for a guy? Boy, did you get taken for a ride.
- Phoebe.
- What? But I did find love.
I mean, I think I did.
But I might be dead before I get to find out for sure.
Craig's getting on a plane to New York soon.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is good.
Because all we gotta do is find the fish lover, get him to spill his guts, and then we don't have to face the Sea Hag.
- Piper.
- What? If your boyfriend's love can make you human, why don't you just tell him you're a mermaid? You mean that I'm a genetic freak with a fish tail coated in glandular slime? - She raises a good point.
- Yeah.
You may be half fish, but you're still a woman.
And women, you know, they generally know when a man's in love even before he does.
Oh, please.
If I wrote that slop in my column, I'd be driven out of town.
Okay, that is it.
Can I see you two in the kitchen? Okay, what is going on with you guys? I'm sorry.
Like you need a man to be complete.
That kind of thinking dates back to the days we all had tails.
Maybe Phoebe's right.
Maybe we just throw the mermaid back into the ocean and we keep the manor a hag-free zone.
Who are you people, and what have you done with my sisters? Let's start with you.
What is going on in that head? I keep thinking about the court date I'm missing.
Okay, so you're dumping all over our innocent? I don't mean to be.
Paige, I've been fighting so hard to get my life back.
If Cole shows up and we're still married, then it was all for nothing.
I need my freedom.
Okay, fine, go meet the judge.
Just hurry back, and we'll deal with Mylie.
Where's she going? Everything okay? Yeah, Piper and I were just about to discuss how best to vanquish the Sea Hag.
No, you said we were gonna deal with Mylie.
You didn't say anything about doing anything with the Sea Hag.
What is up with you and these demon-avoidance issues you've suddenly got? I think if we can protect Mylie and avoid a run-in with the Sea Hag, I'm all for that.
What is going on with everybody? We're talking about the Sea Hag, mysterious monster of the deep blue sea, whose name strikes fear in the hearts of sailors everywhere.
Okay, somebody's been watching way too much Discovery Channel.
You're probably right, but she's an interesting evil specimen.
Reminds me of this water demon I read about in the Book.
She kills in the most fascinating way.
- Paige.
- What? We know how it kills.
What'd I say? It killed Mom.
It's okay, you didn't know.
Look, I just don't see any sense in going up against a demon like this if we don't have to.
Okay, maybe we can get Craig to confess his love for Mylie.
I'll ask her what flight he's on, and maybe I can stop him from getting on that plane.
But if it doesn't work, we're gonna have to come up with a plan B to vanquish the Sea Hag.
I know.
I will check the Book of Shadows.
You okay? Yeah.
Hello, begging your evil pardon.
I see you're still alive.
Six months ago, I came to this cavern to feed on you.
You talked me out of it.
What was it you said? I promised you an immortal being to give you permanent and everlasting life.
Yes.
That was it.
A mermaid, I believe.
Did you capture her for me? No.
Not yet.
It's not too late.
I can cast a new spell, conjure a storm like San Francisco has never seen.
Think what you're giving up if you kill me.
Now, this isn't right.
I'm so tired of feeding on lower life-forms.
The mermaid won't get away this time.
She better not.
For your sake.
Flight 83 to Palm Beach, Florida will be boarding in 15 minutes.
Flight 83 to Palm Beach, Florida will be boarding in 15 minutes.
Thank you, Mr.
Wilson.
Have a nice flight.
Craig? Craig Wilson? - Yeah? - I have a message for you.
Mylie sent me.
Let me guess, she sent me a singing telegram.
No, no, a stripagram, that's more Mylie's style.
Shocking and unexpected.
I'm a friend of Mylie's.
She sent me here because she needs to speak with you.
Why didn't she come herself? That's a good question.
There's a good answer, I just can't tell you what it is.
But it's good.
Let me get this straight.
You're a friend of Mylie's.
I've never met you, never even heard of you, and you know more about her than I do? No, not more about her than you do, just a little secret.
Well, a big secret.
Well, I'm tired of Mylie's secrets.
Okay, I'm tired of her moving closer to me, and then running away and I'm just tired.
There's a really good reason for all of this, and one day you guys are gonna sit down at a nice seafood dinner and laugh about this, but until then, you really need to trust her.
No, right now, I need to catch a plane.
Excuse me.
Craig, her life is in danger.
I sent a sheriff to his apartment, to his work, even his dry cleaners.
Trust me, Your Honour, I didn't make a good faith effort to try to notify my husband of our divorce, I made a great faith effort.
But to grant a default divorce, the court requires that you put a notice in the local newspaper saying where the missing spouse was last residing.
Did you do that? I made the notice larger than legally required.
to make sure it really popped.
You see there how it really pops? What is your business here, inspector? I led the investigation into the disappearance of Mr.
Cole Turner.
We used every method at our disposal to locate his whereabouts, and we still came up empty.
It's my belief that Mr.
Turner has left the country.
I must say, young lady, in all my years on the bench, I have never seen a divorce pushed through this fast.
Please sign here.
- Free at last.
- Is this the right office? Cole Turner, Your Honour.
Nice ad.
Thanks for letting me know.
You evil bastard.
Why didn't you just stay where you belong? Wait a minute, I'm not evil.
Do you have any idea what you just did to me in there? Hold on.
I'm not evil.
I'm good.
You're good at crushing my every hope and dream.
Well, I'm gonna make up for that.
Made me look like a fool in front of the judge.
You are like a pit bull with a death grip.
You know, I should arrest you on principle.
Too many people talking at once.
You see, Cole, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Good people don't turn other people into water coolers.
- I needed you to hear me.
- Go to hell.
I was just there.
I didn't mean to stay so long, but I needed to gather enough powers to execute Execute who, huh? Execute who? My plan.
I'm here to redeem myself.
You better be careful.
You are stepping down a very dangerous road right now.
I'm already on it.
I got my job back at the law firm.
I'm gonna use my powers to help people.
Make up for my past.
You'll see we're meant to be together.
Cole, if you say that again, I swear I'll scream.
I want you out of my life.
I'll keep my distance.
But I'm not going away.
My love for you hasn't changed.
It kept me alive in the wasteland and led me back to you.
You won't use that.
I know you still love me, on some level, deep inside.
You are seriously mistaken if you think I still love you in any way.
I wasn't expecting a warm welcome, but don't you think this is a little extreme? Wait.
You stay away from me, whatever you are.
What happened? Where's Phoebe? She ran off.
You're lucky that's all she did.
Pounding the coastline and leaving weary residents Now, the Book says that the Sea Hag has power over her natural environment.
Would that be, like, rainstorms? - Yeah, rainstorms, hurricanes.
- Hurricanes? Even tidal waves.
Leo, she said tidal waves.
How far do tidal waves travel? Excuse us.
What has gotten into you? I don't know.
I just don't feel like myself.
Well, our job is to keep the innocent calm.
Can you do that while I go talk to the Elders and see if they can help control the Sea Hag? Sure.
Hey.
You came.
Yeah, Paige told me your life was in danger.
What's going on? I really need to know how you feel about me.
I can't believe we're back on this.
What, you two in on this joke, or what? It's no joke.
You have to tell her how you feel about her.
Her life depends on it.
What is this? The Delusional Girls' Club? Come on.
Tell me what's happening.
- I can't.
- You can't? You yank me out of a business meeting, you have your friend ambush me at the airport, I miss my plane, and you can't tell me why? No.
Okay, buddy, look.
You obviously wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
So why don't you just tell her that you love her, for crying out loud.
- Piper, relax.
- What? If he does not do this, then we gotta fight the evil Person.
- Know what, I'm out of here.
- Craig, wait! You want to know what I'm hiding from you? Okay.
Mylie.
No, don't! Please don't be afraid.
It's still me.
What are you? Did you find a vanquishing spell? Piper, freeze her! I can't.
Piper! Piper, help me! Piper! Help! What happened to you? She took our innocent? How could you let that happen? I don't know.
I think I had a panic attack.
I couldn't breathe or move.
Okay, but she took our innocent.
Let's give Piper a break, okay? No, she's right.
I froze up.
Mylie's gone, and it's my fault.
No, it's not your fault.
It's your hormones.
Your maternal instincts are kicking in.
More like taking over.
It's natural for a mother to feel protective of her baby.
But she's been handling demons ever since she got pregnant.
Why the sudden change today? I don't know.
I just I don't.
Let's just focus on finding Mylie.
What'd you get on the Sea Hag? There's a vanquishing spell, power of three.
I have it somewhere.
Okay, what about a location? Did the Book say where we could find her? The Elders say she keeps a cavern on a remote island.
She keeps it hidden with charms and spells.
The only way to track her is with a mermaid.
Well, unfortunately, we're fresh out of those.
Okay, yeah, well, where were you when this all went down? I had my own demon to deal with.
The good news is, is that the Sea Hag can't steal Mylie's immortality unless she's willing to give it up.
Which could be any minute.
It's true.
If she gives up hope, she might wanna die.
Well, I'll find Craig.
We may need him.
Try the airport.
He was headed to New York.
I'll try to locate the Sea Hag.
Oh, honey.
I'm sorry.
I might have been pushing too hard.
Why don't you let me and Paige worry about the Sea Hag? - No, this I've got to - Rest.
If not for your sake, then for my niece.
All this stress can't be good.
She's right.
I underestimated you.
They always come back to me with empty hearts, begging me to end their lives.
But you You almost found love.
I did find love.
Maybe he did love you.
But I'm afraid that's over, my dear child, now that he knows what you are.
It's time to embrace your fate.
The pain you're feeling won't go away.
As an immortal creature can you bear to live with it for eternity? Inspector 43 in need of assistance.
Ten-four.
Inspector 43 requesting backup.
Last time I come to this place for lunch.
Thought you could use a little help.
You thought right.
Let's go get the bad guy.
- What did you do? - Gave us a little extra time.
Yeah, I can see that.
Why? You mean, other than to save your ass? Well, I need to show Phoebe that I am good.
I help you make this collar, you look good to your bosses.
It's a win-win proposition.
What if I don't want your help? I could always turn you into a water cooler.
Got cuffs? Thanks.
Here, hold this.
So anyway, if you need help on any cases, supernatural or otherwise, I'm at your service.
I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm not evil.
Whether they like it or not.
Look, she doesn't want you.
Why don't you just give it up? Because I'm in love.
Don't forget to tell her what I did.
This is really good.
Adding Eastern thinking to Western Wicca.
It should break through the Sea Hag's protective charms.
- Are you gonna answer your phone? - No.
It's my boss.
- I've been gone all afternoon.
- Okay, then can we turn it off? Do you think it's possible to get promoted and fired in the same day? Paige, please, just turn off the phone.
You know, maybe in our new destiny, this job just isn't meant to be.
Okay.
Okay.
Interesting.
Phoebe.
What is going on? He's back.
- Who? - Cole.
What? This is his blood.
Blood is not supposed to do that.
- You stabbed him? - Yeah.
- Good.
- He wants me back.
He wants me back, and I just want to run.
As fast and far as I can.
I swear, if I had your power, Paige, I would orb myself to a rock in the middle of the sea.
He has put me through so much, and I just I don't wanna go through it again.
Okay, running is not the answer.
Don't give him that power over you.
You have built a great life for yourself.
But it doesn't matter.
I'm too tired to fight him.
And I don't even know if I could.
He's got all these new demonic powers now.
You know what, turn your anger towards the Sea Hag.
After we deal with her, I'll test Cole's blood and come up with a magic way to keep him from you, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
Let's see if the spell that you wrote works.
I will go find Piper.
Oh, Piper.
I'm kind of worried about her.
She picked maybe the worst time to come up with a massive demon phobia.
You think she's gonna be okay to take on the Sea Hag? Well, I think pregnancy's an emotional time, and anything can happen.
I'll be fine.
Okay, let's go.
We got a job to do.
- Are you sure you're up to it? - Well, I don't have a choice.
It's a power-of-three spell, right? One, two, three.
Should we wait for Leo to find Craig before we go? No, Mylie needs us now.
Okay, if this spell works, it should take us right to the Sea Hag.
Powers of the witches rise Find the hag who speaks in lies Balance chakras, focus chi Lead us through the cruel, cruel sea Hey! Sorry, I couldn't hold you.
Phoebe, you can't stand, you don't have legs.
Okay, well, why me? Why did I get the tail? We all read that spell together.
Maybe because you're the best swimmer? Yeah, at the Y.
But this is the ocean.
It is very cold, and I'm allergic to shellfish! Okay, forget that.
Do you sense the Sea Hag? Is she close? How should I know? Well, maybe if you put your head underwater.
And get my hair wet? Phoebe, you're a mermaid.
You should be able to sense the Sea Hag.
My spell worked, just not the way I envisioned it.
I found Craig.
He was on a plane on his way to New York.
Why am I standing in the ocean? Phoebe's a mermaid.
Oh, well, that would explain it.
Dive in.
The water's great.
Phoebe, get back here this instant.
The call of the sea is intense.
Just like Mylie said it was.
Well, ignore it.
Did you find the Sea Hag? Now that you mention it, there was a stench under the water.
That could be the sewage treatment plant.
We'll take our chances.
Follow the stench.
- How? - I don't know.
Get in touch with your inner fish.
And then when you find the cavern, call for Leo and we will orb there.
Okay.
That's actually the most fun I've seen Phoebe have since Cole died.
- Which time? - Good point.
Okay, you guys ready? T minus Sea Hag and counting.
Piper, you got the power-of-three spell? Piper, are you okay? I'm fine.
Everything's under control.
Are you ready to make your pain go away? Yes.
Necron will be pleased.
It doesn't hurt.
I promise.
The auger shell brings peace.
She's calling, let's go.
Come on, come on, let's go! - Where's Piper? - She let go of my hand.
What? Enough with the water! Shell! - Is everyone okay? - Yeah.
No, she's dying.
Can you heal her? It's no use.
She's not human.
No, not yet.
Get Craig.
Hurry.
She should have stayed in the water.
- She could have avoided all of this.
- Can we stay positive, please? Get your hands off me.
What? What just happened? Where am I? Somewhere off the North Atlantic would be my gut instinct.
What? Who are you people? - Witch.
- Angel.
- Mermaid.
- Don't you mean witch? I know this is hard to accept.
But all that matters is she's dying, and you can help.
What can I do? Tell her how you feel.
Your love can save her.
My love? Hey, how can I love her? - Look at her, she's got a - Really beautiful heart? Now you know what she is, but who she is, you've always known that.
I do love you.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Okay, I hate to cut this short, but I can sense Piper's panic, and I think we should get back to her and let her know everything's all right.
Phoebe, take my hand, I'll orb you back.
Nope.
I'm staying in the ocean.
Okay, just meet us back at the beach.
You swim so fast, you'll probably beat us there anyway.
No, I'm staying in the ocean.
I'm not going back.
I don't understand.
Paige, it's everything that Mylie said it was.
It's complete freedom.
The call of the sea.
It'll turn her heart cold if she lets it.
- Phoebe, get out of the water.
- No.
- Phoebe, take my hand.
- No! Phoebe, fight it! I don't want to fight it.
I just want to be free.
Phoebe! Leo, the Persian.
I found Phoebe.
You did? Well, why didn't you bring her? She's too fast.
And slippery.
It's official, Phoebe's on the run.
On the swim, technically.
Well, what the heck is she swimming from? She's got billboards, TV interviews, she got her divorce, she should be loving life.
- That's right, you don't know.
- I don't know what? Well, I didn't want to make you mad, you know, you getting so panicky and all Yes, we've established I was a spineless coward in the face of evil.
Now, what don't I know? Cole's back.
What? Why don't I know about this? - Well, Phoebe told me confidentially.
- Yes, but I'm your whitelighter.
As a witch, you have a duty to let me know this.
I have a greater duty to my sister.
Excuse me, but he's the former Source of All Evil.
This is not something you just sweep under the rug.
Breathe.
Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
Does he want my baby? No, honey, of course not.
He's in love.
He wants Phoebe back.
Hey, that's it.
If Cole and Phoebe declare their love Cole's love is the problem, not the solution.
Paige, I know you hate Cole, but Yeah, I do.
I loathe and despise him, but that's not the point.
Mylie said that mermaids are cold-hearted.
Maybe that's why my spell turned Phoebe into a mermaid in the first place.
Wait a minute, we're talking about Phoebe here.
Since when did Phoebe become cold-hearted? Well, maybe she's been in the deep freeze ever since Cole came back.
All right, so where do we go next? I don't know, Book of Shadows, Library of Congress, Internet.
Anywhere we can to get rid of Phoebe's tail.
Hag? I want my eternal life! Or your life, it's your choice.
Who are you? You have something I want.
They're all yours! I am so sorry I am missing work, Mr.
Cowan.
L It's just my sister, she's had a fishing accident.
Well, of course I'm grateful for the promotion.
Of course I am.
And I'm gonna prove to you just how grateful I am as soon as I get there, and Mr.
Cowan? Hello? I lost Phoebe.
- You lost Phoebe? - Yeah.
Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.
I was tracking her and She's getting harder to sense.
I think the mermaid in her is starting to take over.
I'll just have to find a way to turn her back.
Look through these books.
You've been working on this all night? Yeah.
Well, what have you learned so far? I have learned that mermaids are cold-blooded, they like shiny baubles, sea chanteys are the only songs they know, and my adoption file is short one document.
You lost me with that last one.
Leo, it's my first day as a social worker, and I'm already screwing up and failing bigtime.
This kid's adoption is gonna fall apart without me.
You can't let that happen.
I'm so glad you agree.
I was thinking I'd just cast a spell from here and create a file That's not what I meant.
Go to work.
- But what about? - But what about what? You're just an orb away.
- You sure you can handle this alone? - I'm not alone.
I have Piper.
Piper.
Okay, Leo, I don't know if it's because she's afraid of the demons or she has guilt over Phoebe, but she's not doing so well.
I had to come down here to get any work done at all.
What do you mean? Go up to the attic and see for yourself.
Your scales - No.
- Honey, it's okay.
No, let go, I'm almost done.
Piper, you need to take a break.
I just need one more verse.
Piper, this is not helping Phoebe.
Leo I'm scared.
- I know.
- No, you don't.
I'm scared all of the time.
Piper, you're pregnant.
Your hormones and adrenaline are running very high.
It's okay to be afraid.
No, it's not.
Did you see what my fear did to Phoebe? I'm supposed to be stronger than ever now that I'm pregnant, for our daughter and my sisters.
It's my job to take care of this family.
Sometimes it's this family's job to take care of you.
You know, sometimes it's my job.
Well, what do I do? You need to figure out what's behind your fear.
Okay, well, therapy takes years, and Phoebe needs me now.
Well, the only way you can help Phoebe is by removing your fear.
What did you say? I said you need to remove your fear, and I can help you do that.
I think you just did.
Right now, I just need some Some time to figure this out.
Alone.
What's that? So how's your sister doing after the fishing accident? Well, we're not sure, we haven't found her yet.
What, is she lost at sea? You could say that.
- Paige! - Look, Mr.
Cowan, I may be stubborn at times, and late to work often, and I don't always know when to shut up, like right now, but trust me, even if I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me.
So if you'll excuse me, I have an adoption to save.
You forgot insolent.
You're very insolent.
You're right.
Can I go now? Don't make me regret giving you this promotion, Paige.
Wait.
Before you say anything Not say.
Do.
Because I'm about to orb your family jewels far, far away.
Yeah, that would hurt.
But you don't want to use your powers in front of all these people, do you? - What do you want? - I want to prove that I've changed.
Not just to Phoebe, but to you and Piper as well.
The copies of the adoption application and police clearances.
Fax them ASAP.
It might sway the agency's decision.
I'm familiar with family law.
Maybe I could do some good here.
Didn't we fire you? Actually, I quit.
But now I'm a partner at Jackman, Carter and Kline.
- So, what are you doing here? - Came to help Paige.
Who doesn't want or need his help.
A good social worker knows when to use outside resources.
They don't get much better than Jackman, Carter and Kline.
Well, you heard him.
They don't get much better than me, so let me help you.
It won't be any trouble at all.
No trouble? You've been nothing but trouble.
Phoebe was finally happy, and now you're back, and suddenly she's a Yellowtail? Your usual lunch order? No fish.
Not now, not ever.
Phoebe's a what? You wanna know what Phoebe is? She's a mermaid.
And do you want to know why? - I'm sorry, did you say "mermaid"? - Yeah, gills, fins, scales and all.
Well, you can fix that, right? No, Cole, we can't fix that, because she wants to be a mermaid - because you broke her heart.
- I never meant to hurt her.
You didn't mean to do lots of things, but they happened.
You are a one-man death squad.
Bodies, blood and pain follow you wherever you go.
Well, there may be some truth to that, but it's in my past.
- I came back to make up - Make up for it? If you want to make up for it, go to Tibet, join a monastery, pray for absolution, but don't put your guilt on us.
- You don't understand, I love - Love Phoebe? What is it with you guys? Like it's all about you and your feelings.
What about Phoebe's feelings? - She still loves me.
- Wrong, she doesn't love you.
She thinks you're an evil freak with super powers from hell and battery acid for blood.
She doesn't love you.
She wishes you'd stayed dead.
She told you this? Told me? She didn't have to tell me.
She's a mermaid.
Her body erupted in scales.
She had to turn into a fish to get away from you.
Do you get it now? Listen, the only way you can help us get our sister back is for you to disappear.
Forever.
Locked in, boxed in, full of fear My panic grows manic till I can't hear In need of reprieve So that I can breathe Remove my fear Please make it leave What the hell? Watch it! No, get your filthy meat hooks off me! Check out the mouth on her.
All I care about is the tail.
How much do you think the tabloids would pay to see this? I don't know about you guys, but I don't wanna spend my life on that boat.
Maybe we should be thinking bigger than tabloids here.
- Bigger? - Yeah.
If we bring her in like this, sure, we'll get a small fee.
But mostly we'll just get credit for finding her.
Now, on the other hand, if we say we found her dead, we could sell the body for a fortune.
Sorry, her life belongs to me.
Mermaids are such poor, defenceless creatures.
I almost feel pity.
Pity this! Leo! I'm ready to go home now! I'm glad you finally came to your senses.
No! Go.
Find the mermaid.
Sorry.
I was a medic, not a vet.
Here's your water.
Could use a little salt.
- That's about all I can do for it.
- Okay, well, good enough.
Will one of you orb me back to the ocean, please? Wait, isn't there a demon after you? Demon? Did somebody say demon? Yeah, one chased Phoebe back home.
Well, that was nice of it.
Welcome home.
This isn't my home anymore.
So, what about this demon? Where is it? I'd like to thank it and then kill it.
- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah, never better.
Ready to face my fears, like that painting.
I hung it on the wall because I was afraid to tell Leo that it was ugly, but now No offence, honey.
So, what does this demon look like? Tall, dark and skeletal, shoots electricity.
Paige, we need the Book of Shadows.
Can you orb it down here? You want me to use magic for household chores? I thought you had a total fear of personal gain.
See, there's that word again.
"Fear.
" It's very debilitating.
Just do as I ask.
Book of Shadows.
Okay, I told you everything I know.
- Can I go home now? - You are home.
And you're insane if you think that I am gonna take you anywhere.
Relax, Paige, everything will be fine.
Glad you're so calm.
Why are you so calm? Well, I just did as you suggested, and now I feel fine.
So can we save Phoebe? Okay, you guys, I don't need saving.
Okay, all I need are my sea friends and little shiny objects and to lay on a rock and comb out my hair.
I need water.
Got him.
- Yeah, that's him.
- "Necron.
A skeletal being who hovers between life and death.
Has the power to incinerate any living creature and feed on its life" Yadda yadda yadda.
No wonder he's after Phoebe.
If mermaids are immortal, and he's stuck between life and death, then immortality would place him squarely in the "life" column.
Well, he cannot have my immortality.
Will someone please get me back to the ocean before I suffocate? I need the water.
You want water? I'll get you some water.
You are holding me hostage! Yep, looks like it.
Look, I am not a common goldfish.
I cannot ignore the call of the sea.
Well, the call of the common bathtub is just gonna have to do.
Why are you being so difficult? The regulations concerning this matter are clear.
We cannot accept anything but the original medical report for a legal adoption.
Well, that really just doesn't work for me.
Are you absolutely sure you can't use the fax copy I sent you? Of course we can, Mr.
Turner.
I'll finalize the adoption immediately.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.
What was that? Just helping Paige cut through some red tape.
And she's okay with you using voodoo powers to cheat the system? Well, she doesn't know that I'm helping her.
And they're not voodoo powers.
Oh, what powers are you packing these days? Maybe the power to turn men into dust? What's that supposed to mean? Three fishermen mysteriously vanished today and left behind what the medical examiner believes to be piles of bone dust.
- You think I killed them? - Damn right I do.
You think I killed them, me, the guy who saved your surprisingly small brain from a bullet yesterday? You don't expect me to believe that you did that for me? I'm just a pawn in your twisted scam to win Phoebe back.
I realize that people's reputations precede them, but contrary to popular opinion, I am not The Source of All Evil anymore.
In fact, I'm not the source of any evil anymore.
I just want my wife back.
Let's pretend for a second here, just for the sake of argument, that you saved my butt because you are my friend.
So as your hypothetical friend, can I give you some advice? - Yeah.
- Don't do this to yourself.
I can't help it.
You love her.
I get it.
And your love, it's epic.
Okay.
Look what it's doing to you.
Paige says she hates me.
She says I should leave for good.
You've known her for a long time, Darryl.
What do you think? Should I leave? I know you don't want to.
But what you want really doesn't matter, right? Right.
Well, there you go.
What is going on? Are you okay? Minor setback.
It's fine.
Minor setback? The room is on fire.
You're supposed to be figuring out a way to vanquish Necron, not yourself.
Oh, come on, we weren't using any of this junk anyway.
Where's the fish girl? She's downstairs cooling off in the tub.
What are you mixing up here anyway? Oh, a little burdock root and some eye of newt.
What? You're never, ever supposed to mix those two things together.
That is a volatile combination.
Well, Necron's a serious threat, we need a serious potion.
Did you know, in the Book, there's a "witches be warned" on skeletal beings? The last two that vanquished him Actually, the only two that vanquished him.
Died in the process.
Great.
So the rate you're going, you'll be number three.
You know, you ought to be more careful.
Hey, "A good plan violently executed this week is better than a perfect plan executed next week.
" That's Patton.
Why are you quoting Patton? So I figure if I just double the burdock root Hey! No touch.
I don't want you or my unborn niece around that.
You shouldn't be inhaling all this smoke when you're pregnant anyway.
Paige, you're such a worrywart.
What happened? We're just getting ready to kick some demon ass.
That's what we do, right? I'll get it.
It's probably Phoebe's interview.
Well, send them away.
Don't look at me, she's your wife.
Does it seem like she overcame her fear a little quickly to you? I don't know, I guess it's better than her having a nervous breakdown like she was this morning.
I'm not so sure.
What are you looking at? To see if she had any help.
Magical help? Piper would never do that.
Oh, no.
It's a fearless spell.
- Piper wrote a fearless spell.
- Paige! Gosh, I am so sorry.
Your sister said we're doing the interview in the bathroom.
That should've been your first clue that my sister sprang from the shallower end of the gene pool.
Oh, come on, Phoebe, you wanted fame.
Go ahead and grab it.
Carpe diem.
Don't mention carp around me, please.
I am doing you a favour.
People will think you're bold and daring.
What's better than a celebrity who wants to do an interview in the nude? I could be just as fascinating with my clothes on in a TV studio, thank you.
Well, actually you can't.
My show is called At Home With Nancy O'Dell.
See? Fabulous.
Fire away.
Piper.
What is going on? We heard Phoebe scre She's going a TV interview.
In the bathtub? Don't worry, she's not showing any tail.
That Nancy O'Dell has, like, perfect teeth.
You can't be serious.
You're risking exposure to all of us.
Now, see, there's your risk-aversion side rearing its ugly head again.
Piper, we know you cast a fearless spell.
Not a fearless spell, a freedom spell.
You told me to get rid of my fears, so that's what I did.
But you didn't get rid of it, you just suppressed it.
Well, what's the difference? I'm free to be myself and to help others be themselves.
Okay, but Phoebe's self is a mermaid, and that self is about to be broadcast on the 6:00 news unless we stop it.
Now, see, you're only seeing the downside here.
What's the upside? The upside is Phoebe loves her job more than anything else and doing this interview will remind her of that and help bring her to her senses.
People are chewing entire species into extinction.
Take Chilean sea bass.
I have yet to even spot one.
And swordfish, for example, you might as well be munching on a bald eagle.
I didn't realize you had such a passion for fish.
Yeah, I do.
Okay, we're gonna have to end this now.
It's okay.
Ask one more question.
So back to your advice to lovers.
It's so real, so heartfelt, especially lately.
Is there a lucky guy in your life that you get your inspiration from? - No, there's not.
- Really? Then what's with all the love columns? I don't know.
I think I do.
Okay, I'm sorry, we're really gonna have to wrap this up.
Leo? Okay, come on, I'll show you downstairs.
- But we're not finished yet.
- I think you are.
We'll reschedule.
I'll have my people call your people, okay? - Thanks.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye, Nance.
- Bye-bye.
So how you feel? Actually, thanks to you, I feel free.
Free from the shallowness of human pursuit.
From craving wealth and fame.
Now all I crave is the serenity of the sea.
Good job on the fearless spell.
What fearless spell? What the heck is their problem? - Orb Phoebe to the attic.
- What about you? Just do it! Okay, static man, very impressive.
How long is that spell gonna take? I don't know, it's tricky.
There's a lot of factors involved.
Okay, why can't we just orb to Necron and try the vanquishing potion that Piper was working on? Because Piper was under the influence when she mixed that potion, as you can tell by the lovely remains of our burned-out attic.
Okay, so, what happened? Well, thanks to her fearless spell, she went straight to an offensive place with her explosion potion, and I don't think that's the answer.
Why not? It sounds good to me right now.
Well, because the last two witches that vanquished skeletal beings were vaporized in the process.
I think a power-of-three spell is our best chance of killing Necron and staying alive.
- Can you sense her? - Yeah.
- Is she hurt? - Who knows? All I can sense is courage, lots and lots of courage.
Well, don't worry, honey, he's not gonna kill her.
He needs her alive if he's gonna get to me.
Yeah, well, we still have to hurry before Piper does something stupid.
Like get Nancy O'Dell an exclusive with Necron.
I'm beginning to wonder if this whole power-of-three spell is even worth it.
- What do you mean? - Well, firstly, it's not really a power-of-three spell.
More like a power-of-two-and-a-half spell, considering you're half a witch.
Secondly, I'm worried that my fearless wife won't let us interfere to take on Necron.
She isn't exactly using her best judgment right now.
I don't even know why she cast that spell, you know.
I could have helped her through it.
Well, try to see where she's coming from.
She's barely been able to function, and she blames herself for what happened to Phoebe.
Wait a minute, what do you mean, "What happened to Phoebe?" What happened to me is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I am swimming with the dolphins now.
I'm basking with belugas.
Leo, I actually think I've got something, but I need to talk to you about it alone.
Okay, you see? This is exactly why I love being a mermaid.
There are no secrets underwater.
You know, there are no walls to keep you trapped.
Okay, enough.
Leo, stairs.
You guys, wait.
Wait, you guys.
If we orb Phoebe to the ocean, the second Necron is a pile of dust, she's out of here for good.
Do we have another option? I don't know.
Something Nancy O'Dell said in that interview got me thinking.
What if Phoebe's heart isn't as cold as we thought? Well, we don't have time to find out.
Well, let's take the time, okay? I don't want to save one sister just to lose another.
I'm sorry, Paige, but that is a risk that we have to take.
All right, what did you guys say about me? I said I thought you were gonna swim away the moment we save Piper.
- Are you? - Come on, we have to hurry.
This better work.
Where's Paige? I think we've given your sisters enough time to worry about you.
Now, call for your whitelighter.
Or what? Oh, please, please, somebody help me.
The mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold.
Attack! Is that the best you got? Again.
Cole? Paige, you don't have to break into my apartment.
I'm leaving.
I'm taking your advice.
Don't.
I've been known to give very bad advice.
- I beg your pardon? - Phoebe needs your help.
I know.
That's why I'm going away.
It's the best way to help her.
- Now, if you'll excuse me - No! - What are you doing? - Please, I can't let you leave.
What kind of game are you playing? I'm not playing any games.
I told you, Phoebe needs your help.
And you need psychological help.
Okay, that's probably true, especially because I cannot believe what I'm about to say, but I think Phoebe's still in love with you.
Oh, yeah, "Phoebe hates you so much her body erupted in scales.
" That's what you said this morning.
Okay, maybe an unfortunate choice of words.
I thought Phoebe was running away because she hated you, but now I think it's because she loves you.
- You think? - It's a theory.
Look, her advice column has been obsessed with love ever since you left.
You told me to go away.
Phoebe said it, Darryl said it.
I got the message.
Now you're changing your opinion based on a theory? What if I can prove it? Only Phoebe can prove that she still loves me.
You're right.
Open Phoebe's heart to Cole Reveal the secret that it holds Bring forth the passion of love's fire That he may feel her true desire What did you do? Phoebe.
I guess she loves you more than either of us realized.
Paige wasn't in the manor.
I don't know where she is.
Okay, well, forget her.
Let's go find Piper.
Yeah, but you need the power of three to take out Necron.
He's hurting her again.
- He wants me, I'm going alone.
- No! Leo, I can't let anything happen to Piper or the baby.
- Yeah, but Phoebe - You wait here for Paige.
I'm gonna go buy us some time.
Phoebe! Okay, I've had enough.
Your treatment of me is shocking.
Get it? "Shocking"? - Do you have a death wish? - You're not demon enough to kill me.
You would've done it already if you were.
On the contrary.
I wasn't hungry until now.
But it's just about my feeding time.
Let her go! It's me that you want.
Oh, look out, Phoebe, he's packing a seashell.
- You know what this is? - Yeah, auger shell.
Sucks eternal life.
Look, I will give you my immortality if you let my sister go.
No! And I promise I'll kill her unless you give me what I want first.
Piper, are you okay? My baby.
What did you do? Keep your promise, witch.
Where you been? I forgot the vanquishing spell in the attic.
Honey, it's okay.
I'm right here.
Phoebe! Shell! Piper, take Phoebe's hand.
Okay, prepare for a big blast.
Tide of evil, washed ashore Bring its darkness evermore With all our strength, we fight this fate Make this evil obliterate Paige, wake up.
Paige! Wake up! No wonder those demons carry warning labels.
Tell me about it.
- Leo, you okay? - Yeah, I think so.
Where's Piper? Piper.
I know why you've been afraid.
You don't want to leave your baby the way I left you.
But spells won't make that fear go away, only faith will.
Have faith that your destiny is different than mine.
Take my hand, sweetie.
- Mom? - No, it's okay, honey, it's us.
Leo, heal her stomach.
How'd you do that? I didn't.
- The baby did.
- What? I guess she takes after her daddy.
That must have been what Mom meant.
- Mom? - She came to me in the water.
She helped me understand why I've been so afraid.
I don't wanna leave my baby without a mother.
You have something that she didn't.
- Oh, yeah? What's that? - Me.
And me.
But not her.
- What do we do? - Nothing.
I have a feeling she'll come back again.
How do you figure? Let's just say I have a pretty good idea about what's going on inside her head.
How did I get here? I brought you here.
This isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
This goes beyond stalking! I'm not stalking you.
Paige sent me.
I know why you ran, Phoebe.
You don't know anything about me.
You thought you could escape into this big ocean, that the waves would wash away your pain.
But they won't.
Not until you admit what drove you here in the first place.
I know what drove me here.
You.
Yeah, but why? And don't say because you're scared of me, because you're not.
Come on, you don't want to spend eternity alone just to avoid the truth.
If not for me, be honest for your own sake.
Don't lose yourself because of me.
What do you want me to say? You don't have to say anything.
All you have to do to free yourself is admit how you truly feel about me.
In your heart.
How could you be so sure? I had a feeling.
I do love you.
And I always will.
But it doesn't change anything.
It doesn't matter.
It's over between us.
Paige.
I know I've been tough on you, but I don't want you to quit.
You've got a real gift for helping people.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna keep helping people.
I just don't wanna split my focus anymore.
But thanks for everything.