Cheers s01e09 Episode Script

Coach Returns to Action

Everybody, step right in here.
Come on.
This is the home of Paul Revere.
- Looks like a bar to me.
- The Reveres liked to entertain.
Walk around and soak up some atmosphere.
Give me a shot of bourbon.
What's this all about? lt's a walking tour of Boston.
lt's 30 degrees outside and my feet are throbbing.
Paul Revere's house is nowhere near here.
You wanna do this? l gotta fit in five more sites before six o'clock.
l'll never make it.
We are also standing on the Grainery burying ground, the Olde Corner Bookstore and the Old North Church.
Let's get going, this is it for Boston.
- That's the whole tour? - Seemed to fly by, didn't it? Bid a fond adieu to Boston, the hub of New England.
l always thought Boston was a lot bigger.
lt is in the summer.
Sure, sister, that'll be fine.
You're welcome.
l didn't know you had a sister.
That's Sister Theresa from St Matthias School for Girls.
She's sending a student over with a playbill.
St Matthias is a good school.
l've had two kids thrown out of there.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What's up, Norm? - My nipples.
lt's freezing.
So, how was your Sunday? Catch the Celtics-75ers game? Yes, and the Bruins-Flyers, the Ramos-Ramos fight.
Australian rules football.
Tomorrow, Boston College play lona.
Put that money down, pal.
Doesn't your wife ever complain you never spend time with her? Would you? What l can't fathom is how one can drink cold beer in freezing weather.
- Cliff? Explanation.
- How do you know he has one? Five bucks says he does, ten says it's a doozy.
- When the British ruled Punjab - Ten bucks all the way.
they drank steaming hot tea on the hottest days of the year to balance the inside and outside temperatures.
Conversely, drinking an ice-cold drink on a cold day results in a more comfortable body temperature.
Why do you drink ice-cold beer on a hot day? Mr Clavin? What else are you gonna do with it? l gotta get rid of a little now.
l'll be in the little boys' room.
Hop on one leg, big boy.
The pipes are clogged up again.
Nothing's working back there.
Go up to Melville's again.
- Jacket in the same spot? - Yeah.
What a drag, having to dress up to go to the john.
Come on.
You men have it easy.
We have to wear taffeta and have the correct change.
Hey, that looks good.
Who's your tailor? Give me a break.
The sweater's a little bulky.
Have a good time up there, Ollie.
- l'm in the back with my pipes.
- Wait.
- l've got an order.
- Carla's got the bar.
That's right! OK, everybody! Carla's got the bar.
You can have anything you want, as long as it has no ice, straws, cherries, olives, mixer, umbrellas, fruits or flames.
An order.
l need an old-fashioned, a brandy Alexander and a martini.
Three beers coming up.
The damnedest thing.
l've been shivering all the way over here.
Coach, you have no coat on, it's 30 degrees outside.
Thank God, l thought l had malaria.
Are you alright? l don't know where my mind is today.
l just remembered, l left it at Nina's apartment.
- Your mind? - No, my coat.
Who's Nina? A girl who moved into my building today.
l helped her move some stuff.
lt's the damnedest thing.
l kept wanting to smell her neck.
To smell her neck? - lt hit me what that's all about.
- Physical attraction? No, Lux.
lt used to be the soap of the stars.
Don't say anything about this to anybody, please.
- Why? - lt's embarrassing.
lf you're my friend, you won't say anything, OK? Coach, you're a normal, healthy man who's attracted to a woman.
What's wrong there? She's a lot younger than me.
How much younger? You'll see, l told her where l work.
She might drop in after she unpacks.
Hi, sweetheart.
You're under arrest.
Are you crazy? That's not her.
- Come on in.
- l'm from St Matthias School.
Sam said l could put a playbill up.
- Good.
- What play are you doing? lt's a production of Twelve Angry Men, a taut, absorbing psychological drama.
When l was your age, we did Romeo and Juliet.
We were looking for something with more meat.
Thank you.
You're welcome, honey.
l'll hang it up for you.
- Hi, Ernie.
- Nina, hi.
Welcome to Cheers.
Boy, it's nice and warm in here.
My apartment is freezing.
l hope it's OK, the super's gonna call me here when the heat's on.
lt's a great idea.
Sit down, l'll show you the place.
Have a seat.
Now, let's see.
This is the bar.
Those are the bottles.
These are the glasses.
That's a stool.
Any questions? l've always wondered what gas you use to pressurise those beer kegs.
Probably unleaded.
- Can l get you a drink? - White wine.
White wine.
Diane, Nina.
Nina, Diane.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Diane is very smart.
Say something very smart.
Tempus fugit.
- Coach, she's adorable.
- lsn't she? Carla, come over a minute, will you? l'm busy.
Carla's been in a lousy mood for the last two, three years.
lt's getting strange up there.
That's Norm.
That's not Norm's jacket.
- How do you mean, strange? - That new men's room attendant.
The guy hands me a towel, whisks me off and invites me out to a movie.
Guys, meet Nina.
She just moved into my place.
No, not my apartment, my building.
Crazy guys, but nice.
l'd still be dragging my box spring without Ernie.
You're a dog, Coach.
Honey, excuse me.
l gotta check the backroom.
- That's it for me.
- That's Sam.
He's handsome.
He's a bit of a wolf.
l don't know what to do.
Anyone know anything about plumbing? Well, the Romans had an elaborate system of aqueducts.
They were sort of the forerunners of Cliff.
l need somebody to help me fix the plumbing.
Sorry, Sammy.
Strictly theory.
- Let me do it.
- Give me a break.
Come on.
l'm an expert at this stuff.
l've got four kids and one bathroom.
My kids gave me Drano for Mother's Day.
Give me that wrench.
l'm going in there.
Go get them.
Everybody out of the men's room.
Why didn't you say that before you came in? - Give me two beers.
- Excuse me.
Sam! l know what you're going to do.
l can't explain now.
Just stay away from that woman.
What woman? Actually, l was going for a coffee.
Thanks for pointing her out.
l must be slipping.
Please, l can't tell you why, but it's just not right.
lf you insist.
Wait a minute.
l understand something about psychology.
By telling me not to go, you're trying to get my curiosity up so l do exactly the opposite, right? Absolutely not.
No! Probably a friend of yours? The two of you cooked something up to make me look a silly fool? - l'm not going anywhere near her.
- Thank you.
Thank you? That's what you wanted me to do, walk away.
- You don't want me going near her.
- No.
No meaning yes.
Listen, this is my bar and l'll do what l want.
Hi, there.
You new in the neighbourhood? - Yeah, l'm new to Boston.
- How do you like it so far? - Fine, how do you like it? - Much better now.
Sorry about this stuff.
l'm sat here waiting for my heat to be turned on.
How hot do you want it to get? l heard you were kind of a wolf.
Howl at the moon one time, they never let you forget it.
While we're on the subject of subgum, .
how would you like to go out to Chinese food later? No, thank you.
l'd rather not.
Did l make it clear l meant with me? Painfully.
l think l like this girl.
lf you'll excuse me, l'll go say goodbye to my bathroom.
Congratulations, Diane.
You and your friend made me look a complete ass.
l hope you're happy.
- Couldn't have done it without you.
- lsn't she great? You know, Coach, l think you should ask her out.
Ask her out? l haven't asked a girl out in years.
l don't know if my old lines work.
What was the last one you used? ''How would you like a pair of nylons, Fräulein?'' - Probably not.
- Come on.
lt worked.
What do we need it for? lt's just another piece to clog up.
lt's belongs to something.
Don't hang on to things through sentiment.
Coach, how about all the women you talk about in your baseball days? - How did you approach them? - Not by talking with them.
What did you do? l'd spot a cute dame in the stands and to get their attention, l'd .
injure myself.
- You intentionally hurt yourself? - Sure.
l'd lean into a pitch or dive face-first into a bag.
Take a hard grounder in the gut, anything to get their sympathy.
You were a sly one, Coach.
One day l wasn't even in the game and there was this real cutie there.
So l threw myself down the dugout steps.
- lt worked.
- You don't have to do that now.
Look at her.
She's all by herself, a stranger in this big city.
You are the only friend she has here.
- Can we have some service back here? - Coming right up.
Go get her, tiger.
- Coach.
Can you cover me tonight? - Sure, where you going? l'm going out with that lady.
Diane is gonna learn the meaning of the word comeback.
Did you say something? Like? - Yeah.
- That wasn't me.
Can l have another beer, please? - Coach, what's going on here? - Just a normal evening.
l'm pouring a beer.
Norm's in line.
Sam's sweeping the girl of my dreams off her feet.
Normal night.
l thought you were gonna do that.
Come on, Sam's such a smoothie.
When did a woman last turn him down? Will you bug off? - Does that refresh your memory? - l got her on the ropes.
- You're a glutton for punishment.
- The evening's young.
But your lines are old.
Don't worry.
l'm going out with your friend tonight, even if it kills me.
Coach, come on.
Now's your chance.
- Diane, who needs her? - Coach.
- Don't give up on Nina.
- Please leave me alone.
No! Get in there, you pipe, and no backtalk.
You can't come in here, it's the men's room.
- Carla's in here.
- Carla doesn't count.
Watch it! - Diane, please, l want to be alone.
- Coach, if you don't act now, your life will be forever haunted with the memory of lost opportunity.
Maybe you're right, l should've tried earlier, but Sam's after her now.
- Can't you see that? - So? He's not getting anywhere.
- You got the hots for Nina? - You know that, too? Carla, Coach is too shy to ask Nina out.
Come on, will you? Who wants to date me? l'm over the hill.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
l'd go out with you.
- Really? - l would, too.
See? And we all know how fussy Carla is.
- You're not just saying this? - No.
Coach, you're a cutie.
Come on over here, cutie.
Look at you.
What a hunk! You're a pin-up guy.
Look at those shoulders.
Stop it, the two of you.
Who is that stud? l'm no Harold Flynn, but it's OK.
Coach, it's Errol Flynn.
No, Harold Flynn.
He used to play second base for Chicago.
Good look, no hit.
Diane, Carla, l'm gonna do it.
Just give me a few minutes to spruce up.
Listen, Coach, that's great.
l'll make sure Nina sticks around.
l can't believe the graffiti in this place.
Adolescent men are What is it? ''For a good time, call Diane Chambers.
'' Thank God they got the number wrong.
l got it right off your application.
- Carla, how could you? - Last time l play Cupid for you.
After our moonlight drive up to the Cape, we'll check into separate rooms, one for us, one for our toothbrushes.
- l wish you could bottle that charm.
- ls that right? Then l could put a cork in it.
Sammy? Could l get a beer down here? l'll be back.
Tell me you're not in trouble.
Tell me you're playing around with her, or l can't go on.
l'm just playing with her.
Just playing around with her Give up.
lt takes a big man to admit he's a small person.
And now Harvard Yard.
lt was here that in 1 535 John Harvard raised his eyes to heaven and announced Line up, the can is fixed.
l let you do this one time but no more.
l don't want you come back.
Sorry about this.
They're studying for finals.
Let's give a little consideration and tiptoe out.
Seems like all we've done all day long was go from one bar to another.
What do you want for eight bucks? Minutemen? Move it.
Nina, your super called.
Your heat's back on.
Thanks, Carla.
l sense that we've had some trouble hitting it off tonight but l think l know why.
Put aside for now my technique, my style, my smooth manner.
Put aside my hair, my teeth, my physique.
Put all that aside and what have you got? Nothing.
l didn't feel like being with a woman tonight.
Goodnight, Nina.
lt turns out we were cousins.
Nina, can you wait just a minute? The Coach wanted to say goodbye.
l give up.
The woman's undateable.
Undateable, Sam? l don't think so.
ln fact, l have a hunch you're about to see that woman swept off her feet.
You're crazy.
lt may seem impossible to you, one whose idea of romance is a floormat and The Bolero played at 78, .
but you are about to see a man get a date using nothing but sincerity and his own feelings.
She's kinky, huh? - The Coach? - He's crazy about her.
l'd have told you but he swore me to secrecy.
- He's been building up his courage.
- Stop him, she'll crush him.
Nina? Ernie.
l was waiting to say goodnight.
Listen, Nina, l want to say something.
Look, l'm not a rich guy, and l'm no brain.
l'm just an average guy.
But l like you and l'd like to go out and do things with you.
Would you have dinner with me tonight? That's sweet of you, but l've got a lot of unpacking to do, but thanks.
Look, l got shot down, too.
There are some women in this world you can't get to.
- She's all of them.
- l made reservations upstairs.
lt was nice to meet you all.
- Goodnight, Ernie.
- Bye, Nina.
Coach! - He's out like a light.
- Wake up.
Ernie, are you alright? - Are you OK? - l'm just a little woozy.
- Coach, let me take you home.
- Let me, l live there, anyway.
- You've got all that unpacking.
- Don't be silly.
This is a lot more important than unpacking.
Works every time.
Sam, l might not be in tomorrow morning.