Cheers s01e11 Episode Script

One for the Book

- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir? Can you see if the table's ready for Phillips? Sure.
Be glad to.
What was the name again? - Phillips.
- Phillips! Lock up your daughters! The fightin' Double Deuce is on the loose! - Can l help you? - You should help me.
l helped you.
l fought the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers.
- Where's the rest of my outfit? - What you got on looks silly enough.
l mean the other boys from the 22nd Brigade.
l'm meeting them here.
l hope you're not expecting a whole brigade? l'm low on lemons.
No, just the guys from my squad.
What's left of 'em.
l'm Buzz Crowder.
Sam, l got this one.
Buzz, l'm the fella you talked to this morning.
l didn't recognise the uniform on the telephone.
Come on.
Let me show you the back room.
lt's in the back.
Sorry about that.
Can l get you a drink? l don't drink.
But keep plenty for the others.
Lotta catching up to do.
We meet in this bar every ten years to reminisce.
What war were you in? The First World War, of course.
ls that the one with Clark Gable or Gary Cooper? Wow! l'm 85.
What's your excuse? Baseball! - What you writing, Slats? - My thoughts.
That would explain all the blank pages.
l'm writing during the odd moments of the job, much as Jack London did.
Was he a bad waitress, too? Ladies, please.
Enough girl talk.
Any sex in it? l've started writing down bits of conversation l hear in the bar.
Sometimes people say things that strike me as snippets of Americana.
You mean things said by customers, employees? - Yeah.
- The owner? l'm afraid you're not represented.
Just my luck.
She doesn't like my snippets.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What you up to, Norm? - My ears.
- Want a beer, Norm? - Does a rag doll have cloth knobs? There's a lady present, Norm.
Sorry, Diane.
Shot of bourbon.
Sir? Save your quarter.
That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.
Use the jukebox.
lt doesn't work either, but it's only a dime.
Sammy, why keep something that doesn't work? Cos no-one else'll give her a job! Ladies! - Got something good there? - Yes.
A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.
Yeah? A quotable remark? Well, it occurs to me that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass.
Or a mug.
Or your face.
Pinky! You old grunt! Sammy? Tinkerbell here, or what? Buzz? lsn't he a bit young to be one of your guys? Of course! l'm sorry.
From behind you look like the young Pinky Peterson.
You shouldn't grab people like that.
lf l buy you a beer, will you forget it? Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips! You're alright.
l'll be in the back.
Everything alright back there? Well, that room is kinda small.
One grenade'll get us all! This looks like a nice saloon.
We aspire to saloon.
Can l just sit anywhere? Try the bar.
lt makes good cover during the gunfights.
What'll you have? l'll have a carafe of your house whisky.
- Excuse me? - ls that a bad order? Not if you're a party of twenty.
- This is my first time in a bar.
- No kidding.
l was just passing and dropped in to see what it's like.
Does it live up to your expectations? l expected to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.
Desperate souls night is Thursday.
All the beer you can cry into for a buck.
- That's very amusing.
- Thank you.
Where's Diane? l've never had hard liquor in my life.
You see, it's my last day in the secular world.
Tomorrow, l'm going into a monastery.
So this is kind of your last fling? First and last.
l'll give you a drink.
But take it easy, it sneaks up on you.
- l once thought of being a priest.
- You're religious? No, l just thought it'd be a nice, peaceful life.
Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.
Thank you, Father.
Can l get you something, Buzz? Not yet, Sam.
l came out to warn you about something.
Me and the boys have got a little joke we play on each other.
First man here always goes in the back room, strips down to his altogether, yeah? Then he stands on the table, and when the others walk in, he yells out, ''Lafayette, we are here!'' - Well, tonight it's my turn.
- Thanks for the warning, Buzz.
Sam, could you turn the heat up just a little bit? A monk? Does that mean you have to give up? Well, as the French so delicately put it, the old? l have to take a vow of chastity.
l also have to take a vow of silence.
Yep, give up sex, you might as well give up talkin'.
What fun is messing around if you can't tell the guys.
lt's no big deal.
l never had much luck with girls, anyway.
They don't find me attractive.
Kev, you're an attractive guy.
- Diane? - Yeah? Don't you think he's a specimen? Yes.
He's a very attractive fellow.
Come on, l know l don't have any sex appeal.
l'm shy, l'm serious-minded The search goes on for my chin.
Kevin, speaking as a woman, l'm glad you're going in a monastery.
You could be a real heartbreaker.
You're not a bambo, are you? No A bimbo.
No, it's bimbo, not bambo, and l'm not one.
But you are.
Yeah, attractive.
What a great girl! Sam, is she taken? Only with herself.
One drink in four hours.
ls that called nursing it? No, that's called bringing it back from the dead.
l hate to admit it but Carla just got in the book.
l always say, ''Nurse a drink, starve a bartender.
'' Excuse me, Sam.
Smite me again, barkeep! - Sure you want another one? - Yes, l'm rather enjoying myself.
OK, l'll make this one weaker.
No charge for the water.
You needn't worry.
l know l'm a novice drinker, but l've only had one since l got here.
l'm not ready for the lampshade yet.
Excuse me.
You know, Sam, that Kevin'll make a great monk.
He's got a good attitude.
- Diane? - Yes? l want you! Diane, are you OK? l'm OK.
l'm fine.
l'd like to go freshen up a bit.
You OK? Lafayette, we are here! Here's a little-known fact.
Most of you probably assume basketball was invented in the US, right? James Naismith, Springfield College.
Good thing l showed up tonight.
Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans.
They played it for centuries.
- ls that true? - Sure.
Watch me get the Coach on it.
Got a question for you.
Who invented basketball? - The Mayans.
- Where did you hear that? How do l know? Must've been a Mayan in here bragging about it.
Buy 'em, Sammy.
Comeback time, let's go.
Can l have your attention? l've been drinking all evening.
Now l have something to say.
lt's down the hall to the left.
First, l'd like to make a public apology to the young lady l insulted earlier.
l lost my head.
- Don't worry about it.
- Apology accepted, Kevin.
Second, may l thank you all for helping me see the light.
lt is clear now l am not fit for the monastery.
l succumb too easily to the pleasures of the flesh.
That's OK.
Don't worry about it.
Tonight Tonight has proven that l belong here, in a bar, drinking booze with seedy degenerates, and getting slapped around by cheap dames.
Kevin, it's our pleasure.
l'm gonna give you a real man's drink.
- Coffee? Men drink that? - Men who've had too much to drink.
- OK, Norm, pay up.
- Whaddaya say? Double or nothing on the highlights? - Sam, any of my squad check in? - Not yet, Buzz.
Maybe l won't wait for 'em.
Send me back a ginger ale.
Sam, l want a drink only men drink, something that makes women sick.
l'll give you some more coffee.
No, l want something stronger.
l'll give you yesterday's coffee.
Kevin lt's a big day ahead.
How will you feel, entering a monastery hungover? l'm serious, Sam.
l'm not going.
- Kevin, you're drunk.
- l am? Believe me, l know what l'm talkin' about.
What about your calling, Kevin? l never had a calling.
l talked myself into believing that.
l've always been an ordinary person.
l thought it'd make me special.
He's discovered forever is a long time to go between hayrides.
You're gonna turn your back on God because of sex? Believe me, sex is not that important.
Well, it's not! Can sex make stars, or a tree or a rainbow? Can sex make an ocean or a newborn baby? Forget that one.
l know just what she means.
l once had a religious experience just watching a hummingbird, hovering next to a flower.
lt's almost impossible to imagine something hanging in mid-air so long.
l guess you never saw one of my curve balls.
You all think a man can't change his life in one evening.
But l have.
l wanna be a regular guy.
l wanna arm wrestle and tell crude jokes and spit on the floor.
And l wanna dance with cheap women.
Carla, let's dance.
Put that in your notebook, l break your fingers.
Kevin, sit down for a second.
l wanna dance.
l'm having the time of my life.
l don't want it to end.
That doesn't even work.
lt doesn't? Well, then - l thought you said it was broken.
- lt it.
lt was.
For twenty years.
My God! Kevin, you realise what this means? l've healed a piano? lt's a miracle or something.
Wait, miracles don't happen.
Are you sure it was broken? Yes.
The motor was rusted solid.
How could this happen? Maybe something or somebody's trying to tell you what to do with your life.
Get into piano repair.
No, wait a minute.
What are you trying to say? Kevin, you said you're an ordinary person.
Maybe you're not.
Maybe you have a direction.
- You might as well try and find out.
- You're right.
l've come too far to let one night in a fleshpot change my whole life.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Hey, kid, alright! Thank you.
You're welcome! Good night, Kev! - Bye, Kevin.
- See you in church! Good night.
Boy, that was inspiring! - Sam, did you get that piano fixed? - No, l didn't Did you? Yeah, a couple of days ago.
l meant to tell you about it but it slipped my mind.
Coach, why did you find it inspiring if you got the piano fixed? Gee, Diane, that piano's been busted for what, twenty years? Why did l suddenly decide to get it fixed? This would make a great bar story.
Too bad we're all here.
- Poor Buzz.
He's breaking my heart.
- None of his buddies showed? No.
He's back there alone, throwing darts.
- He's been at it an hour and a half.
- Poor guy.
They'll never make a pack big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.
Nah! Sam What do l owe ya, Sam? Nothing, Buzz.
The room's on us.
Forget it.
Why, thanks.
Hey, Buzz? l was in the army myself.
Fort Dix.
Yeah, l served in the navy, Buzz.
ln Pensacola.
l was in the reserves.
l was never in the Army, but l did serve in uniform.
l was a Brownie.
l won merit badges.
l was in Saint Cletus's Correctional lnstitute for Wayward Girls.
We used Brownies for firewood! You know? Every reunion we've had has thinned out a little more.
l guess this is the last one.
l guess l'm the last one.
Or maybe they just forgot.
People get busy, make other commitments.
Maybe their lives aren't going well, so they don't wanna come see you.
Maybe they never liked you.
Those guys would never just forget.
No, not after the things we went through together.
No, sir.
l'm gonna miss these reunions.
lf you want some buddies to get together with, we're here.
We're not old coots like you, but we feel like we know ya.
lntimately! Look, Buzz, maybe we could have a reunion every ten years.
Why ten? What's wrong with every year? How's about every week? Every ten years will be fine.
Come on, Pinky, l'll beat ya at darts! Yeah? We'll see about that.
Come on, everybody.
You don't need me now, do you? l've got an early class tomorrow.
- No, that's alright.
You can go.
- Thanks.
You know something? Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
Wow Wow? ''someone.
'' Would you get my purse for me? This has been a great day.
How could l have known when l woke up that l would meet a monk and a doughboy? Two men with one foot in heaven.
That's good! Wait.
Wait a second lt's not like this is important to me or anything, but are you aware l'm the only person in this bar who's not in that book? Really? When l played baseball, l was quoted all the time.
Reporters hung around, waiting for me to say something intelligent.
l know the feeling! Sam, come on, that was a joke! No, it's not.
You think l'm too dumb to be in that book.
Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are.
Now, look.
l want natural poetry, OK? l want spontaneous statements.
You've been trying too hard.
Fine! l don't want to be in that stupid, pretentious book, anyway.
You've been writing some pretty stupid stuff in it.
l've heard some of that stuff.
lt's stupid.
What does a stuffed shirt know about blue-collar poetry? That's good, that's really good.