Cheers s01e13 Episode Script

Now Pitching, Sam Malone

You know, Sam, this is my favourite time of day.
What's that, Coach? Closing time? No.
I don't know.
There's just something about it.
I know what you mean.
I suppose we've all got our favourite 1:37 story.
What's your favourite time of day, Sam? Gee, I don't know.
8:15's nice.
I used to like 8:5.
I think I kinda grew out of it.
Wait a minute.
Coach, Sammy.
I don't want to be left alone locked up in this bar all ni Quarter to three No one in the place except you and me Once in a while, a man needs a little time to himself.
- Evening, everybody.
- Hi, Norman.
Beer? Nah, I'd probably just drink it.
What's new, Norm? I just came from a late lunch at the Copley Plaza.
You had lunch at the Copley? Yeah.
I took a prospective employer there.
Courting the guy.
- What did you have? - The rack of lamb for two.
Don't remember what he had.
I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.
Norman, really? I still say that Kennedy will be president some day.
No, wait.
Maybe even next time.
You know how politicians are.
- Doesn't make sense.
- I really don't think so, Diane.
I've got a pet little theory about that.
You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
So who's gonna win, Cliff? Reagan again? Mondale? No.
Not a chance.
See, I figured it out.
By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yelnik Mcwawa.
That's the stupidest name I ever heard.
Sam, please.
You're talking about our next president.
So, Norm.
What was Kennedy doing at the Copley? Having lunch.
I got his autograph.
You disturbed him during his lunch? No.
God! I waited till he went to the men's room.
Mart Martie Broder? I got the wrong stall.
I dunno.
Ho, Cliff.
Isn't that Tibor Svetkovic? - Svetkovic, where? - That's Svetkovic all right.
Based on the fact that he has a long name that you can all pronounce, I guess that he's an athlete.
Or will he be president in 1990? Diane, the man was Czechoslovakia's greatest hockey player.
He defected to us just to play in the NHL.
It's an incredible story actually.
He dressed up as a woman, hid in a haystack, crawled on his belly under barbed wire, swam a couple of rivers and stowed away on a tramp steamer to get here.
The next week, the rest of his team came over on the Concorde.
That's what he gets for not reading his schedule.
Nobody said he was a smart hockey player.
Is this my day, or what? First Teddy Kennedy now Tibor Svetkovic.
You better memorise his shoes, you might want his autograph later.
Tibor, I see you play all the time.
I'm Sam Malone.
Your problem may be too much caffeine.
Sorry, what? He's learning English from TV commercials.
And who are you? I'm Lana Marshall.
I'm Tibor's commercial agent.
Is that right? I'm Sam Malone, the boss here.
You're the boss? You're gonna tell me what to do? Something tell me you know what to do.
I know what I like to do.
That's nice.
I like the lady who knows what she likes to do and does what she likes.
The mating ritual of the horny-breasted lounge lizard.
Two beers.
Let me take care of you two here.
- Tibor.
Miller Time? - TV! Yes, sir.
- What can I do for you? - What's your speciality? I do everything the same round here.
- Great.
- Then why don't you surprise me? - It would be my pleasure.
- Mine too, I hope.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll be right here.
She'll be here, he'll be back and I'll be sick.
So, you get jobs for professional athletes to be in commercials? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I specialise in male athletes.
Don't you know who you were just talking to? That's Sam Malone.
Cute guy.
Too bad he has dandruff.
- He used to play with the Red Sox.
- Really? Who does he play with now? You know, you give broads a good name.
Excuse me, could I ask you a question about your boss? The king of the single entendre? Tell me, does he have a wife, or worse, someone he cares about? He's available and very desirable, if lummox is your cup of tea.
And it appears to be.
Tibor, I think it's time to get to the Garden.
I'm late.
After game, your room? No, Tibor, I think I'm going to be busy tonight.
OK, goodbye.
And this concludes another day of programming.
Sooner or later, you'll own General.
Poor guy should really think about wearing a helmet.
I understand that you were an athlete.
I'm sorry, I don't remember you.
That's all right.
I was a relief pitcher before they became famous.
- I missed it by a year.
- Have you done any acting? Well, you know, yeah, I have.
I had the lead in a school play.
The one about the evil woman who pushes her husband into getting rid of people for more and more power.
You mean Macbeth? No.
How Boots Fooled the King.
- Was that what Macbeth was about? - Tibor's looking better, isn't he? Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, Diane, we're talking here.
- She's talking.
You're killing time between thoughts.
You got a problem? Look, Sam.
Just watch it, OK? She's not one of your usual bimboettes.
That's what I like about her.
She's got a lot of class.
While I have never been a big fan of the women you date, I will say that at least they were too stupid to be harmful.
I knew they'd grow on you.
Is there something between you two? No.
That's just business.
I never mix in her personal life and she mixes in mine.
I've just been talking to my secretary about the winter schedule.
I think there might be some commercials you might do very well.
Me? You're kidding.
You have a very sexy, playful quality that would come across on camera.
Wait, I haven't played baseball for years.
I'm not exactly a household name.
Non-star athletes are in vogue.
They come across as regular people.
What do you say, Sam? - I gotta think about it a bit.
- Come on, do it.
You're a natural.
Look at you.
You're tall, handsome, you got a great smile.
Show her your smile.
I'll be damned.
Who the hell was I thinking of? You know, I have to admit, all these years watching those commercials, I always thought I might be pretty good.
Let's do it.
Look, I'm staying at the Ritz.
Why don't you come over later and we'll work out the details? I don't get off until two.
All the better.
All these people at the bar and no one introduced us.
No, they didn't.
I'd like to thank each and every one of them.
Me, too.
Now for Fields Light Beer, former Red Sox pitcher, Luis Tiant.
After the game, I like to sit back, light up a cigar and enjoy a Fields Light Beer.
Hey, Luis.
Hey, Sam.
When you get to be my age, 30, you don't want to get filled up.
That's why I drink Field Beer.
It's refreshing, satisfying, and you don't full feel with Field, you just full fine.
Full feel with Field, you full fine.
Sorry, Luis, I don't think you've got it.
I'm pulling you out.
- Skipper, let me stay.
- Sorry, big guy.
Go get them, Mayday.
Now pitching, Sam Mayday Malone.
Fields, it's refreshing, it's satisfying.
You don't feel full with Fields, you just feel fine.
Alright! Another save.
I still get the win, don't l? You were great.
Coach, two bottles of Fields right here.
Normally I wouldn't use that to shampoo my dog but you sold me.
Sam, you could sell me ice cubes in summer.
You're in showbiz now.
You're a star.
Sam, could you introduce me to Gene Tierney? - I don't know Gene Tierney, Coach.
- OK, be that way.
Come on.
How about a speech from the big actor? Yeah, how did it feel to see yourself up there, Sammy? It was nice.
It was very nice, OK? I was afraid of this.
We have to sedate the man, he's hysterical.
Sam, if there's anything you wanna talk about, get off your chest.
There's nothing I wanna talk about.
I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Just wait on some tables.
Sammy, that agent of yours is hotter than a pistol.
She's really earning her ten per cent.
Listen, will you just leave me alone? Please, got that? Leave me alone.
- Sam, let's talk.
- There's nothing to talk about.
It's important.
Come back to the office now.
Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.
Sammy's in trouble with Chambers.
What do you want? Sam, you're obviously unhappy and everybody just wants to know why.
I'm not unhappy.
- You're not? - No.
- You're happy with the commercials? - Yes.
- Think you were good? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Well, what is it, then? Are you happy with the money? yes.
- Are you happy with the auditions? - Yes.
- Are you happy with your agent? - Oh, God! The Dragon Lady.
Tell me about it.
Why? You wanna hear me say you were right? Of course not.
Knowing that and knowing you know it and are tortured by it is plenty for this country girl.
I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
I do wanna help.
Come on, let's talk.
You wanna hear about my relationship with another woman? Well, Maybe Maybe I should find a man out there who's intellectually capable of helping you.
All right, everybody line up for the ugliest tongue contest.
Alphabetically by height, over here.
It appears that all the other intellectuals are busy.
You're sure you wanna hear this? I'll stop you before I get the vapours.
You see, my relationship Lana and I are a lot friendlier than most agents and clients.
Friendlier? You know me.
I'm never against a wild night of friend-making, but There's some Now I feel that I'm supposed to be friendly on demand.
And you're afraid she'll stop getting you commercials if you stop being friendly? When you play in the bigs like I did, you get used to attention.
When I stopped playing baseball, I felt something missing in my life.
I was just hoping that these commercials would get it back for me.
Sam, Lana gave me a message for you but I can't remember it.
- Lana's here? - That's it.
By the way, what are you two doing? We got a lot of customers out there.
I got a problem.
Diane's helping me talk through it.
Look, Sam, let me tell you something.
You've faced a lot of tough problems.
You always found a solution but since Sir Isaac Hayes came along No offence, Diane, I love Sir Isaac Hayes, but since then, it's been talk, talk, talk.
This is a pretty complicated problem, Coach.
You see, Sam wants to break up with Lana, and he knows he should, but he's afraid that he will sacrifice his acting career.
- See? - I don't understand what's going on.
Let me show you something.
Come right down here.
Just, please, come right down here.
Stand right here, Sam.
- Pick that up.
- What do you want me to do that for? Just pick it up.
Now, get the hell out there and tell her you're finished with her.
Please tell him it's more complic Out.
What do you want me to do? Hustle.
I mean it.
That was wonderful.
Somehow, your instincts just told you Button it up, Diane.
We got a lot of people out there.
Move it.
Tell me something, Red.
Are professional athletes better between the old wamsuttas than ordinary men? I've had no experience with ordinary men.
Me neither, but I'm trying to work my way up to one.
Believe me, athletes take their pants off one leg at a time, like anybody.
They take off their pants? I'm glad you're here.
There's something I want to talk about.
Sam, what do you think of your commercial? - It was fine but listen.
- I thought it was wonderful.
I've had lots of calls about you.
- Calls? - A lot of people saw you.
And they liked what they saw.
One of those calls was an offer for you, a national commercial.
It's big money, and they want to fly you to Hawaii.
You're going to do the commercial with the Osmonds.
The Osmonds.
- The whole family? - That's right.
- Even little Jimmy? - Well, we're hoping.
Now, come on.
Wasn't there something I wanted to say? Later.
We've got to get some pictures for you.
We should buy a new sports jacket.
Afterwards, we can stop off at the hotel for a bite.
And a nibble.
And a scratch.
Sam, I'm getting real mad now.
- Lana, we can't nibble any more.
- Why? I just don't feel right about it.
I see.
Does this mean that you're no longer my agent? Sam, what kind of person would I have to be to drop you as a client just because of this? - A dragon lady.
- I'm no dragon lady.
- Good.
- But I am gonna drop you.
I've learned from past experience, once you've had an intimate relationship with a client, you can't go back to being just business associates.
Perhaps it's time for me to find a new face.
My face is new.
Good, you still have time to return it.
She's good, Sam.
- So, that's it? - Yep.
Good luck in finding a replacement for me in the Hawaii commercial.
If it takes me longer than six minutes, I'll quit.
Boy, she is good.
May I ask you a question? You want to know how he was? What? You think I'm gonna stand here and listen to you tell me how good Sam was? Fair? What do you wanna know? I want to know how you can live with yourself.
I can't.
That's why I like having young athletes around.
I've always been crazy about them.
Sometimes when I'm with one, I swear I can hear the crowd cheering.
I could understand this behaviour from an oversexed adolescent.
- But you're.
- An older woman? Middle-aged? All the more reason to grab some youth.
There was a time in my life when men would invent tricks and schemes to get my attention.
Well, now I'm the one who schemes to get theirs.
That's not too unfair, is it? But don't be too concerned.
Someday, even that won't work.
Don't judge me until the bloom is off your rose, honey.
She is good.
Fields, it's refreshing, it's satisfying.
You don't feel full with Fields, you just feel fine.
Alright! Another save.
Come on, admit it.
I was good.
Come on, say it.
I was good.
- You were OK.
- I wasn't OK, I was good.
What's it gonna do, kill you to admit it? All right.
You were Good.
You were OK.
You were good.
And you did the right thing.
Hey, listen.
Before you came to work at this bar, I never thought that much about morality and integrity.
You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
Thank you, Sam.
That's why I'm firing you.
You can leave your apron right there.