Cheers s01e15 Episode Script

Father Knows Last

Yes, I'll tell him.
Sam, I just had a conversation with your date tonight.
She said she can't make it.
She's had an accident.
You're kidding.
What happened? She fell off her shoes.
Gee, that's tough.
That leaves me only two hours to find another date.
- Those are the breaks.
- Not to worry.
The book! Cliff, I swear, it just gave off a beam of light.
- A little black book? - Yeah.
Didn't those go out with getting a girl drunk and seducing her? That's out now? Let me see.
Christie Leveroni.
Christie Leveroni, come on down! Come on, Sam, let me dial this one.
It's been a long time since I've run my fingers over a girl's digits.
You know, I haven't seen Christie since Woodstock.
- You were at Woodstock? - A friend told me to go there.
Said it was a great place to pick up chicks.
I should have known you weren't there for the music.
There was music at Woodstock? Sammy, it's ringing.
Is Christie there? She entered a convent? Boys, it looks like your idol has fallen.
So what's the number over there? - Hi, Coach.
- Hi, Diane.
Hey, Coach.
Look at me.
- Do I look OK to you? - Yeah, why? I just went to renew my driver's licence.
They asked me to donate my kidneys.
No, don't take that personal, Coach.
They ask everybody.
Those highway robbers.
It used to be a lousy two bucks.
- Carla's late again.
- Yeah, I know.
I wonder why.
Sam, you know why.
Why aren't any of us saying anything about Carla's problem? I don't think we should be the ones to bring this up.
You know Carla, she's proud.
Maybe she just wants to keep this one under her hat, that's all.
Maybe it's not even what we think it is.
- Coach, what else could it be? - Gas? - Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Carla.
- I got to go change.
- OK.
What are we all so afraid of? We've known for well over a month that Carla's Let me be the first to say it aloud.
Carla is pregnant.
That's it, Sam, it's out.
Sam, she is all alone in the world.
She needs some support.
She's probably waiting for us to reach out.
- You people call yourselves friends.
- Why don't you talk to her? Well, I would, but Carla's never actually called me a friend, unless "doofus" is a term of endearment.
No, don't look at me.
Vera and I don't have any kids.
I don't know anything about the subject.
How come you and Vera never had any kids? - I can't, Coach.
- Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.
I look at Vera I just can't.
- So how's it going, guys? - Hi, Carla.
This is Look, Carla, we just want you to know that Well, if there's anything you ever need, just ask us, OK? Well, since you brought it up, Sam.
Yeah, what? I'm going to need a couple of hours off at the end of April.
If you don't want to talk about it No, it's OK.
I told the father about it yesterday.
He's been out of town.
I just wanted to tell him first.
Tell the rest of them.
I mean, they're dying to hear.
- I'll go talk to them.
- Alright.
What was I saying? The weather is really It's always just sort of beautiful.
Everyone? - I'm pregnant.
- What? No! You're pregnant? Carla.
Well, why didn't you say anything? I've got a lot on my mind.
I can't remember everything.
Busy girl.
Unless you don't want another kid.
- Of course she wanted the kid.
- Sure I do.
What penniless, unmarried mother of four wouldn't? See what I mean? Don't worry about that.
I'll give you a little bump-up in pay.
- Thanks, Sam.
- That's great.
Carla gets a raise for getting pregnant.
I wonder what I have to do to get a raise out of the boss.
You could get a raise out of the boss.
So who's the father? We want to know.
You're about to see for yourselves.
He's coming in.
I really got lucky this time, boy.
He's a nice, responsible guy, and he is going to support this kid.
That's great.
You going to get married? Well, you know, actually we probably would, Sam, except it goes against my most cherished belief.
Men are toe jam.
Who is this guy? Marshall.
- Marshall? - Carla made love to a PhD from MlT? Look, guys, if you can't say it in front of me, don't say it at all.
No, Coach.
Coach, Marshall is the father of Carla's child.
Marshall? I don't believe it, and I believe everything.
- How are you feeling, little mommy? - I'll make a deal with you.
You don't call me "little mommy", and I don't put your tongue in the blender.
- Come down and sit down here.
- Come on, Marshall.
- Way to go.
- I'm so happy for you both.
- Congratulations, Marshall.
- Congratulations, Dad.
Why don't you have a seat, little Carla? Thank you.
We have something to celebrate.
A little champagne.
- A toast! - Serve it up, boys.
I'll get the glasses.
By the way, I recommend the Lamaze method.
I've read about that and it sounds wonderful.
No, forget it.
I got my own method.
Knock me out and wake me when it's potty-trained.
Let's make a toast.
Somebody make a toast.
- Diane, make the toast.
- Alright.
To the baby.
With Marshall as the father, it's sure to have brains.
With Carla as the mother, it's sure to have need for them.
I'm kidding.
What I mean is, to the baby and its luck at having such wonderful parents.
Hear, hear.
What, what? I think I'd better just lie down for a minute, alright? Would you all excuse me? I'll be right back.
I didn't even know you and Carla were dating.
Actually, Coach, we just dated the one time.
One time? Just once? It's a funny thing, too, because Carla wouldn't give me a second look before that.
Or since.
But she sure was ready, willing and able that night.
She was a woman possessed.
So the whole thing was her idea? Yes, I think you could say that.
Not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I had no idea this would be the result.
I was so surprised when she told me about it yesterday.
Would you excuse me, Marshall? I think I need to talk to Carla.
- You clever girl, you.
- What? I know what you're up to, you sly boots.
Got to hand it to you, pretty smart.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Yes, you do.
Marshall's not the father of that child.
Maybe he is and maybe he isn't.
Come on, Carla.
You can tell me.
I'm proud of you.
This shows real initiative.
Well, since you already guessed, you're right, he's not the father.
I lied so he'd support it.
What a great, great plan.
Yeah, well, I hate to sing my own praises.
Well, don't sing your own praises.
Why don't you hum a few bars of this tune? Carla, how could you? Why don't you sit down and let me talk for a change? Fine.
I'd had a really rotten day.
I got stiffed twice.
Sam bawled me out for something.
You were here.
I got soaked on the way home.
By the time I got the kids locked in their rooms, I had really had it.
So I sat down at the kitchen table, a bottle of Chianti.
I just started thinking about how rotten my whole life was when I saw his face through the fog in the door window.
- Who? - Nick, my ex-husband.
Besides everything else, it was our anniversary.
I see.
But I was so down, I figured we could just talk for a while, you know? So we were drinking and remembering the couple of good times we had.
It was the first laugh I had all day.
He was wearing his black fishnet T-shirt.
I could see his panther tattoo through the little holes.
No woman could resist.
With the rain and everything and the wine, I just got carried away.
Carla, this is the man you once referred to as "seepage".
Sure, Nick's disgusting, but he knows this spot on your earlobe.
One nibble and you are a heaving mound of flesh.
I find that very hard to believe.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Well, let me just show you.
- Carla, don't be ridiculous.
Cliff, no, this isn't what you think it is.
No, it's OK.
I'm an '80s kind of a guy.
- Seen all the right movies.
- Yes.
Well, no.
Cliff, you see, Carla and I were testing a fascinating scientific hypothesis.
I like science.
Step right this way.
Carla, show him.
- Unbelievable.
- I didn't feel anything.
Well, sometimes there's a delayed reaction.
- Maybe if both of you jumped on - Take a walk.
Listen, if you need a trois for that ménage, I'll be in the bar.
Alright, let me see if I have the decadence straight.
When you discovered you were pregnant, you purposely seduced Marshall because you assumed that your husband would not assume responsibility for the child.
- Exactly.
- Depraved.
Now, look here, Whitey.
You know, you can talk, but I got four kids, and I've been raising them alone and it's been damned hard.
I can't take it any more.
Somebody is going to help me ease my load a little bit this time, and I don't care what I have to do to get it.
Carla, it's wrong.
I don't care.
And I don't care what you think.
- What did you guys do to Cliff? - What's the matter? We just had to pull him off the wooden lndian.
- Cliff.
- Yes? Yeah, Cliff.
Sip, Cliff.
Carla, do you know the story of The Tell-Tale Heart? - Take a leap, Whitey.
- I'm going to tell it to you.
A young man killed an old man.
While carrying out the crime, he could hear his victim's heart beating in fright.
He was very glad when the man was dead and the awful sound stopped.
Then he dismembered his victim and buried him under the floorboards.
Soon, he could hear a sound coming up from the floor.
Till he couldn't stand it any more.
Surely everyone heard it.
Eventually, guilt drove him totally insane.
You can never escape your conscience.
OK! Tom, I've been cheating on you.
You are a wonderful man and I don't deserve you.
- I'm sorry.
- Wait, darling.
- ls this having any effect on you? - None at all.
Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.
Diane, would you just leave me alone? Carla, don't get upset.
Sit down with me.
So, how's it going, Dad? Great, I think I'm approaching a state of euphoria.
- Coach, could I have that beer? - Absolutely, Marshall.
Carla, what do you think we should name the child? We got time for names, Marshall.
The biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter.
She kept insisting on Lisa.
I wanted to stick with the original name.
- What was that, Coach? - Baby Girl Pantusso.
You know, Carla, I've been thinking.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my lawyer, and have a new will drawn up and all of your children will be named as my beneficiaries.
Gee, Marshall, I never expected that.
That's about the sweetest thing anybody's ever done Diane, would you just cut it out with the stupid "ba-booms"? Carla, Diane's in the back room.
Come on, we got to talk.
You win.
I'm going to tell him the truth.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on here? - She's going to tell him the truth.
- The truth about what? Sam, it's terrible.
She lied.
The real father is her ex-husband.
I don't believe this.
I mean, I know the guy.
Her ex-husband is an insensitive, macho pig with one thing on his mind.
- Some women are attracted to that.
- Name one.
Arlene Abrams.
Angela Adams.
- I'm going home.
- No, listen.
Wait a minute.
I'm going to talk to you first.
Sit down.
Now, look.
Diane told me what's going on and I just have to say something.
Marshall, you and Carla have a chance for some great happiness here.
I don't think you should throw it away.
- Sam, you don't - Come on, let me say this.
- Look at me, Marshall.
- Look at you? Yeah.
Now, a lot of people think that I've got a great life.
But you have a You can have something that I don't have.
You can have the love and the warmth of a family.
You know, if you don't marry Carla, some lucky guy's going to.
As a matter of fact, if you don't marry Carla, I'm going to.
I'm not going to marry her.
- I got the veil in my locker.
- You understand that what Get out of here.
You're all toe jam.
You know, I just feel terrible about this.
I guess she really did want some help with this child.
Yeah, she's barely getting by just the way it is.
Carla's probably never felt lonelier than she does at this moment.
Got any more of those little yellow goldfish crackers? We don't have any crackers that look like goldfish.
What did I just eat? I wish I had the money so I could take care of the kid myself.
Me, too, Sam.
Wait, I've got a wonderful idea.
We are always taking up collections for little league teams and to give gifts to orphans.
We are now going to take up a collection to help Carla.
I think Cheers should adopt this child.
You know, that's not such a stupid idea.
We could all take turns doing things with the kid.
- Right.
- I could teach him how to pitch.
I could teach him how to hit your pitches out of the ballpark.
I'll do the kid's taxes.
Coach, come here.
Listen, everybody.
This is for Carla's kid.
It's going to be our kid.
I can teach it how to slide into second base.
You can't.
Remember your back.
- I can teach him how to swim.
- You're afraid of the water.
Well, I can teach him how to tie a Windsor knot.
Why do you think you wear clip-ons? Well, I can just sit there.
I'm going home.
Carla, before you do, we want you to take this from us.
It's to help out with the kid.
We'd kind of like it to be our kid, too.
When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark Everybody, come on.
At the end of a storm is a golden light And the sweet silver song of a lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on, walk on With hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone