Cheers s01e17 Episode Script

Diane's Perfect Date

I think, if nobody minds, I'll take my lunch now.
- Coach, would you mind? - Here you are, honey.
I've got some lovely roast beef for a sandwich.
Carla, if it bothers you, I could eat in the back.
I was a little nauseous before, but I'm fine now.
You know, I'm starting to feel a little hungry myself.
Would you mind handing me my lunch there, Coach? Thanks.
Thank you.
Mind if I join you, Diane? Not at all.
You know, that's another thing about pregnancy: you get cravings.
Green olive, red pimiento, nice juicy anchovy.
Now, you open the little anchovy's mouth.
Red pimiento.
Stuff it into the anchovy's mouth.
I think I've just lost my appetite for ever.
Works every time.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Beer, Norm? - That sudsy amber stuff, right? - Yeah.
- I've heard good things about it.
- How's it going, Norm? - Don't ask.
It's no fun looking for work, Sammy.
- You going out on interviews? - Three today.
My resumé, right.
Last guy I show it to reads it, laughs in my face.
Why would he do something like that? I'm sorry.
It's just that it's pretty skimpy, isn't it? You were born, worked at one company, and you're five foot ten.
What you gotta do is pep this up a little bit.
- That's cheating.
- That's pepping it up.
Everybody does it.
It's expected of you.
You just take what's here, just spice it up a bit? Looky.
There's Diane and her date back from the weekend.
Thanks for dropping me off, Walter.
Do you wanna hear me do it one last time? No, Walter.
I have to get to work now.
Introduce me to your co-workers.
They'd get a bang out of this.
I don't think Hello, Sam.
Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.
- How do you do? - Ten.
He can tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence.
- That's quite a gift.
- 15.
- We've been at it all weekend.
- How many days was it like? Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now.
- Thanks again for a lovely weekend.
- Two sentences.
30 and 28.
- Stop doing that.
- 19.
- I mean it.
- Seven.
That's enough of this.
I'd better get going.
Goodbye, Diane.
Nice seeing you, Sam.
- Yeah.
- Four.
- By the way, Walter - 14.
Yes, Sam.
What is it? How was Diane on a scale of 100? Quite a catch.
- Thank you.
- So's a largemouth bass.
Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.
He studies genets.
Nice to be back.
OK, Sammy, we're rolling here.
Those job offers ought to start pouring in now.
"Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions.
" "If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson.
" What is this? He had the paper open on the movie section, Sam.
Here's the part I like best: "At last, an accountant the whole family can go see.
" It's no use.
Nobody's gonna hire me anyway.
Hang in there.
Something'll turn up.
You ever thought about doing anything else besides accounting? I was in the motor pool in the service.
- I learned about engines.
- Like what? How to use them for shade.
Let's go and have a look at these want ads.
Hello, there.
- Did you have a nice weekend? - I had a wonderful weekend.
Went to Martha's Vineyard, long walks on the beach, hiked over the dunes, crisscrossed the island on bicycles.
Still couldn't lose him? You now, you are the last person in the world who should take shots at somebody else's choice of dates.
Not with the coterie of Betty Boops you squander you time, money and hormones on.
- I date terrific women.
- Yes.
And talented.
Without them, the art of gum-snapping might be lost for ever.
At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.
Your dates can't form sentences.
You like dating nerds, nerds it is.
The next time I decide to go out, I'll check with you first.
That would be a very good idea.
I suppose you know better than I whom I should date? I do, lady.
I could set you up with the best date you ever had.
- That's ridiculous.
- I could.
Do you want me to? Would you let me set you up? Yeah.
Why not? I'm tempted to do this, to see what kind of a joke you'd bring in.
- I haven't had a laugh for a week.
- Certainly not in a weekend.
- I resent that.
- 11 .
All right, Mr Matchmaker, you're on.
Let's set each other up.
You got it.
You're not gonna pull out on me? If you go out with mine, I'll go out with yours.
- Tomorrow night? - Well, I'll have I just thought of the perfect woman.
Bright, witty, attractive.
- This is great.
I can't wait.
- All right.
Two draughts.
Carla, who do I know who'd be a good match for Diane? What about that guy you used to play ball with, Fred Wilson? Fred's dead, Carla.
So, she has to drive.
I'm serious.
Coach, who do you think? You know, Sam, I always thought you'd make a great date for Diane.
Coach, that's crazy.
- Or is it? - Let me think about that.
Of course.
That's what she's doing.
That's cute.
That is cute.
- Thanks.
I have lost a few pounds.
- No.
Don't you see what she's doing? She's setting me up with herself.
- That little scamp.
- Yeah.
You heard what she said.
"Bright, witty, attractive, the perfect girl.
" She's talking about herself.
Who else? She's not gonna bring another girl in here tomorrow night.
She wants to go out with me herself.
I kind of like that.
Our first date.
Thanks, Coach.
lf there's anything I can do for you, let me know.
Sam, by the way, there is one little thing.
If you get some time later, could you tell me what we were talking about? You bet.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm feeling like quite the matchmaker.
I called my friend.
She said she'd love to go out with Sam.
Carla, do you have any idea who Sam has in store for me? No.
Sammy, you're looking pretty sharp tonight.
- What's the occasion there, Sam? - I've got a very big blind date.
- Isn't that a little risky there? - Not in this case.
Sammy, watching you get ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.
I hate that stuff.
Who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor unthinking creature like that? I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I? But looky here.
Here comes Diane.
Strangest thing, she appears to be alone.
Mind if I sit here, Sammy? Enjoy.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.
Hi, Diane.
Sam, ready for your date? - I certainly am.
Are you for yours? - As I'll ever be.
Is he here? Kind of a dumb question.
Of course he's here.
Present and accounted for.
But wherever is my date for the evening? - She went to lock the car.
- She what? Gretchen went back to make sure her car was locked.
Gretchen? The point is, she is a woman of substance.
She's going to challenge you.
- Gretchen? - Yes.
Here she is.
Gretchen Darrow, Sam Malone.
- Hello.
- Hi.
You and Gretchen have a lot in common.
She's a grad student working on her thesis in kinesiology.
Small world.
That's the study of physical movement, Sam.
Akin to athletics.
She also lettered in three sports.
So, you're the Sam Malone that used to pitch for the Sox? Yeah, as a matter of fact I am.
Coach, why don't you get Gretchen here something to drink? Thanks, Sam.
- I can't believe this.
- I knew you'd like her.
I'm a pretty good judge of people.
So, let's see how you are.
Where's my guy? Your guy? As a matter of fact, he's in the poolroom.
Shut up.
I'll just go back and get him right now.
You just hang on here.
He's probably right back here.
Excuse me.
What's your name? Andy.
Why? - What are you doing tonight, Andy? - Why do you ask? No.
I got an extra girl on my hands.
I see.
It's worth $20 if you'll go out with her.
Why give me 20 bucks to take out a girl? The 20 bucks is for a little lie.
Pretend we've known each other a long time and we set this up yesterday.
What d'you say? My name's Sam, by the way.
I probably know that, don't I? What if this girl doesn't like me? That's alright.
She doesn't like anybody.
What are you looking at, endomorph? Nothing.
Nothing, sir.
Andy, I'd like you to meet Diane.
And this is Gretchen.
I finally meet Gretchen.
Sam talks about you all the time.
- Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen.
- He just met me.
But I knew you'd be coming along any day.
No, this is your date, Diane Chambers.
- Hello.
- How do you do? Diane, I'd like you to meet my good buddy Andy Andy.
Andy Andy.
That should be easy to remember.
- How do you two know each other? - She asks good questions.
- Good question.
- We met in the pool At the Y.
We do a lot of swimming, kicking, all your basic water sports.
Now we're getting into your area of expertise, aren't we? Swimming is one of the finest cardiopulmonary exercises.
It's wonderful for the development of the major muscle groups, particularly the latissimus dorsi.
I bet you're kicking yourself that I got to her first.
We're gonna take off now.
You two have a good time.
You two, too.
Andy Andy and I will have fun fun.
So, what do you think, Andy? How does ltalian food sound? I've been hungry for Italian food all day.
Anywhere but Via Milano.
That's bad memories for me.
I killed a waitress there.
- We'll double.
- Did you hear what he said? Listen, Coach, you're not gonna believe this.
- I was just talking to the guys - I'd like to believe it, Carla.
No, coach, not that.
You know who that guy that Sam just set Diane up with is? Who? He just got out of the pen after doing 10 years for manslaughter.
That must be them now.
I saw them taking off on a motorcycle.
Diane had to ride piggyback on a motorcycle? That's great.
You didn't think we were gonna make that last jump, did you? Here we are.
Anybody need anything? A five-minute head start? Why don't we sit down and pick up the conversation where we left off? So, where were we? Yeah, that was about it.
You ever dream that you have claws? That's it for me.
I've gotta run.
Don't get up.
I'm warning you.
Good night, all.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go scrape the bugs off my teeth.
Well, I guess that just about does it there for you, Andy.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Sam, everything alright? - Perfect.
Hard to tell.
She didn't say much.
Except for that little scream she let out when I asked the waiter for a sharper knife.
Is he? He's gone.
In that case, let me just say of all the cheap, small-minded, creepy, sophomoric pranks you have perpetrated in your long, arrested adolescence, this is far and away the worst.
How could you, Sam? So, he wasn't your ideal date.
I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.
Did you really think this was amusing? Did you have lots of laughs planning it? Diane, I swear, I wasn't trying to be funny.
What were you trying to do? The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life.
I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.
You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.
It's kind of funny when you put it that way.
Look, I actually didn't think that you were gonna get me a girl.
What did you think I'd get you? I Well, I guess I I thought that you were talking about us.
You and me.
I thought that you thought you were the ideal date for me and vice versa.
Really? - You thought that we? - I'm embarrassed.
I am so embarrassed.
I understand.
- Poor Sam.
- Thank you so much.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean, "Poor Sam"? I didn't realise you were carrying such a torch for me.
I didn't say I was carrying a torch for you.
I said I thought you were carrying a torch for me.
I'm certainly not carrying a torch for you.
Then I'm not carrying a torch for you.
Sam If you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.
I am carrying a little torch for you.
Well, I'm not carrying one for you.
- Then I'm not carrying one for you.
- You just said you were.
I said that only to get you to admit that you are.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit.
- I am not.
- You are, too.
I am not! Please! Do you think I'd behave like this in your home? Sorry.
Well, we are being awfully childish about this.
Let's leave it at this.
I'm rubber and you're glue.
Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
- You love me.
- I do not.
- Do, too! - Do not! That is the most embarrassing display I have ever seen.
You're absolutely right.
Anybody can see she's crazy about him.
Are you crazy? He's nuts about her.