Cheers s01e20 Episode Script

Goodnight, Dan.
Be careful going home now.
Boy, that guy sure chewed your ear off, Coach.
Yeah, but what a nice guy.
You know something? That's the first person I ever met that was on the Titanic.
- He survived the Titanic? - I forgot to ask.
I would've loved to hear that story.
I figured you'd heard it.
Big boat, hit an iceberg.
Bang! Down it went.
Any interesting stories, call me.
It's one of the joys of bartending.
You want interesting? Forget the Titanic.
Come here.
Glen, tell him what you told me earlier.
Go ahead.
I know all the words to the Bonanza theme song.
Go ahead.
Let him hear it.
We got a right To pick a little fight, Bonanza! If anyone fights any one of us He's gotta fight with me We're not a one To settle up and run, Bonanza! Any one of us starts a little fight Knows he can trust on me One for four, four for one, This we guarantee One for four, four for one - Howdy, sports fans.
- Norm! - What'll it be, Norm? - Fame, fortune, fast women.
Yeah? How about a beer? Even better.
How's the search for work, Norm? Good news, everybody.
I'm no longer looking for a job.
I'm now begging for one.
- I don't believe this.
- What now? That was my mother.
She just flew into town and she's coming here.
No kidding.
We finally get to meet her.
- This is very strange.
- That you have a mother? No.
That you have a mother that wants to see you? No.
That she's coming over here.
I didn't think Mommy'd be caught dead in a place like this.
What are we, too grungy or something? Yeah, inside an hour ago, I'm in the tub.
You're taking this too personally.
You shouldn't.
- It's just Mommy doesn't like bars.
- Bars can be very sad places.
Some people spend their whole lives in a bar.
Just yesterday, some guy sat right here next to me for 11 hours.
- What kind of a life is that? - Pitiful.
The sad thing is, he'll be sitting in a bar right now, drinking a beer, going on and on about nothing.
Diane, if your mom is anything like you, everyone will love her.
She's nothing like I am.
She's very eccentric and a little hard to take at times.
Yeah, worlds apart.
Diane, if your mother's so rich, how come you're not? I didn't want to go through life being handed money on a silver tray.
For you.
Thank you.
There she is.
My little baby.
Mommy.
Hello, darling.
They didn't get near each other.
How can anyone miss Diane's mouth? So, this is a bar.
Yes.
This is where I work.
Let me introduce you.
Mother, this is Sam, who wouldn't say anything to embarrass me, so wisely says nothing.
How do you do? Hi.
This is Carla Tortelli.
She says even less than Sam and she's very busy.
Down there we have Norman and his friend Cliff.
They lost their tongues in the war.
Ernie Pantusso.
You can call him Coach.
- Or use my other nickname, Red.
- Red? As a player, his team-mates called him Red.
Because your hair was red? No, ma'am.
Because I read a book.
He's very sweet though.
Very sweet.
It's nice to finally meet you, Mrs Chambers.
It's nice to meet you, Sam.
Diane's told me about you.
You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.
There's a compliment in there someplace.
It's very nice of you to come all this way.
I thought so, too, but you know what tomorrow is? - No.
What? - Your wedding day.
Congratulations.
My what? If you're not married before tomorrow, I lose my share of your father's estate.
My God! Why? Darling, when he died, you were still a little gawky girl, with your nose in a book and a terrible facial tic.
Your father was worried that you would never find a mate, and that you would have a lonely life.
So he made me promise that I would have you married ten years after the day he died.
He even put it in his will.
So, if you're still single, I'm cut off.
Why have you waited to tell me? Father's been dead ten years.
You know how time flies when you're having - Grief.
- Grief.
So, if I'm not married by tomorrow, you're broke? Put your mind at ease.
I'll never be broke.
I'll either be rich or dead.
The choice is yours.
You're seriously asking me to get married? My attorneys have assured me that it need be in name only, just for a few days.
There's no other way.
This is the craziest thing Father ever did.
Not even close, dear.
Excuse me, madam.
I dropped the bags off at the hotel.
- Thank you.
- Nice to see you, Boggs.
I'd be honoured if you'd consent to be my wife.
I said "in a pinch", Boggs.
- Now wait over there.
- Yes, madam.
Darling, think hard.
There's so little time.
Don't you know anyone who'd be willing to marry you for a few days? Well, I'm afraid there's no one I'm steadily dating at the moment.
Excuse me, .
.
rich lady.
I couldn't help overhearing your problems.
Your daughter has a hot thing for the bartender.
I do not! She likes Red? He's dumb enough to be your father.
Not him.
Sam.
I care nothing.
I feel nothing.
Sam who? Come off it.
We've all noticed how you two go around, looking at each other like lovesick cows.
Admit it.
He's got you steaming under the silks.
- This happens to be my mother.
- That's why I'm being delicate.
Diane, is this true? How about the two of you? I'd rather marry Boggs.
I could make you very happy.
Sorry, Boggs.
Just a figure of speech.
Thank you, miss.
Diane, he's not a bad-looking fellow.
His cologne's an affront to society but what harm would it do to ask? Mother, no.
Darling, please.
I wish I was as strong as you are, but I'm not.
Without money, I don't think I can make it.
Alright, I'll ask him.
Sam? - What? - May I speak with you a moment? - I might as well come to the point.
- That'd be nice.
Would you be willing to marry me? Boy, this cologne must be doing its stuff.
You see, my very eccentric father put a very strange clause into his will.
Providing that if I'm not married by tomorrow, my mother will become destitute.
So, if we could get married, just long enough to satisfy the attorneys, it would really help her out and I would consider it a favour.
I'd consider it a joke.
Marriage and me do not mix.
No, it's not marriage.
It's a business arrangement.
Just for a couple of days and then we'll get divorced.
Listen, I've been married before.
You haven't.
Take my word, marriage changes people.
No woman in the world can hear those words and not start believing it.
That's a very sexist thing to say.
No, it's not sexist because no man can resist it either.
Why, Sam, that's a very romantic thing to say.
The difference is, with men, they get over it in an hour.
With women, it goes on for years.
If you're worried about me, I'm only doing this for my mother.
Yeah, right.
I promise you that I will not feel any emotions toward you.
I learned a long time ago never to trust anybody wearing a wedding gown, especially a woman.
Forget I asked.
- I'm sorry.
- Never mind.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
He said no.
Oh, dear.
Hell.
- OK, Diane.
- OK what? OK, we'll get married.
- Really? - Yeah.
You bet.
Mr Malone, how wonderful.
You're both wonderful.
Thank you very much.
I'm still rich.
I'll get the Justice.
Come along, Boggs.
- Thanks for changing your mind.
- You're welcome.
I wanted to help.
- What you're doing is very noble.
- Thank you.
Where do you want to go on our honeymoon? I should've known.
As usual, Mr Malone has his brains caught in his zipper.
Is this the first wedding in Cheers? No, Frankie Flaherty got married in this bar.
He met Janet in that corner, proposed to her here, right in front of me, they married there, had their first fight by the piano, she caught him in the poolroom with a woman, shot him dead in the alley.
That's an incredible story.
- Want to know where he's buried? - Where? He ain't.
He's cremated.
- Thank God! - Here's his ashes.
- We've got the licence.
- What took you so long? While I was there, I paid my water bill and registered my bicycle.
Know what they ask for a bicycle licence? - Sam, shut up.
- Sorry, dear.
I'd like to introduce you to Mr Harrison Fiedler, Justice of the Peace, who will perform the ceremony.
- Hi, Just.
- We need witnesses.
Yep.
Every accident needs some witnesses.
Sammy, please, I'd be proud to be your best man.
I'm honoured.
Thank you.
The day Diane walked in, I knew you'd get together.
Coach, this is just temporary.
I knew that, too.
How come you never got married? Well, Norm, Coach, it's unfair to ask a woman to be the wife of a mailman.
Watching him get up every morning, strapping on that mailbag, hitting those mean streets, never knowing if he's coming back or not.
Right.
Somewhere out there is a beagle with your name on it.
Excuse me.
I think we should begin.
Are you ready, Mr Fiedler? I'm ready.
May I have the licence? The groom's name is Schwinn? That's my bicycle licence.
Excuse me.
Diane, do you think we could we lose the aprons? The aprons.
Carla, the apron.
Gee, I didn't know it was going to be this formal.
- Are you OK? - Fine.
Just a business arrangement.
I do appreciate it for Mommy's sake.
You're welcome.
Just remember, no emotions.
If I feel anything romantic, I will run screaming from the room.
And I will clear a path for you.
Would the bride and groom come forward, please? We are gathered in the presence of these witnesses for the purpose of uniting in matrimony Diane Chambers and Sam Malone.
The contract of marriage is most solemn and not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously and with a deep realisation of its obligations and responsibilities.
Any two people who have come to this point clearly feel the love and joy that they find in one another can surmount whatever obstacles lie in their path.
Sam, do you take? Do you mind? What? Never mind.
I'm sorry, please go on.
- Sam, do you take this woman - What did I do? I saw the leer.
- Leer? Come on, Diane.
- Please.
Please go on.
Sam, do you take this woman to be your lawful? She's a customer in my bar.
I smiled, that's all.
Go on.
She's a woman.
Well, I'll be darned, so she is.
To have and to hold from this time forward - It was just a look.
- Just a look? This is just a look.
This is what you did.
Can we get on with the ceremony? - To have and to hold - Wait a minute.
What's the big deal? You're beginning to sound like my wife.
Excuse me.
We are getting married.
I may not be asking for 50 years of love, honour and obey, but it would be nice if, during the ceremony, you didn't drool.
You really are demanding.
I don't understand why you're trying to make me so crazy.
I don't understand why you chose now to demonstrate your lack of class.
I'm the one doing you the favour.
- Don't do me any favours.
- Children, please.
Butt out, Mom.
This is the stupidest thing I ever did.
Stupidest thing? There is no stupidest thing you ever did.
Everything you do is equally stupid.
Including not throwing you out when I saw your stupid face! - Sam, do you have the ring? - Shut up! That's it.
We're making a mockery of marriage and it's all my fault.
There'll be no wedding here today.
Fine.
- I hate your guts and I always will.
- That goes double for me.
I understand they wrote their own vows.
You know, 30 minutes ago, I was a wealthy woman.
- Now I can't pay for these drinks.
- Don't worry.
The drinks are on me.
I don't want your charity and I don't want your pity, but I will take your money.
Well, if it hadn't been for dear old Dad and his strange clause in the will, you would never have been in this predicament.
You mustn't think ill of your father.
He was concerned.
He loved you very much.
You know that, don't you? - Yes, I guess I do.
- In a strange way, he loved me, too.
Unfortunately, he loved a good joke more.
Spencer, wherever you are tonight, I hope you're frying.
You two are still here? We'll lock up.
How are you getting home? How are we getting home, Mommy? Boggs is waiting outside to drive us.
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
I'm sorry, too.
I told you, weddings do weird things to me.
I must admit, I got a little swept away myself.
I think I owe you an apology, too, Mrs Chambers.
I'm sorry.
What I asked you to do was unfair.
Are you alright? Actually, I I'm really quite afraid.
Afraid of what, Mommy? I'm afraid of being poor.
I was poor before I met your father, and it took me years to really forget how being poor felt.
Excuse me, madam.
Could I have a word? - What is it, Boggs? - I heard of your tragedy.
I'd be honoured if you'd consent to be my wife.
- It's too late for that.
- No.
I meant you, madam.
Why, Boggs, have you lost your mind? I mean, I've only accepted your familiarity over the years because I was afraid of class warfare.
I am aware of that.
However, in view of the developments in the last half an hour, our stations have, shall we say, grown a little closer.
Now, then, Boggs Madam, it so happens, I have a considerable sum of money stashed away.
Really? - Where did you get it, Boggs? - From you and yours, madam.
I've been embezzling from your family for close to a quarter of a century.
Why, Boggs, how clever of you.
Exactly how much money do you have? As I recall my Emily Post, a lady does not ask her chauffeur how much he stole from her dead husband.
Let us just say, I am very comfortable.
Shall we go to dinner and talk about the future? Bon appétit.
You know, Boggs, I must confess, I've always found the back of your head enormously attractive.
I sensed it, madam.
Would you do me a favour, madam? - What's that? - Would you drive? Kinky.