Cheers s02e11 Episode Script

Just Three Friends

JUST THREE FRIENDS - Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Sam.
I think I found the answer to the robberies in this neighbourhood.
- I'm gonna get an aIarm.
- This is better.
This friend of mine has a gigantic attack dog.
He's gotten so mean that he can't handIe him.
That wouId be perfect protection.
Coach, maybe so, but where are we gonna keep a dog? I figured the office.
It's vicious! - Get that dog the heII out of here.
- How? I don't know.
How did you get it in here? He was in a cage when he came in but he ate it.
This is ridicuIous.
How wiII I use my office? In my profession, I've grown accustomed to deaIing with beIIicose canines.
- AIIow me.
- What are you gonna do, mace him? That's much too crueI.
I find, deaIing with animaIs, it's better to be kind yet firm.
- Sit! - He is sitting, CIiff.
Nuke the beast, Sam.
Gee, Sam.
I'm so sorry.
Get on the phone.
I want the owner to get the dog out of here.
- HeIIo, everyone.
- Goody, Diane is here.
This is Heather Landon, my oIdest friend.
Meet her this morning? That's CarIa.
She Iikes a IittIe witty repartee, she's just not capabIe of it.
And Heather, I want you to meet someone eIse, over here.
- Coach Ernie Pantusso.
- How do you do? Hi.
CaII me Coach or my other nickname.
- What other nickname? - Satchmo.
Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong.
No, but I Iike that even better.
- Can I get you something to drink? - Coffee, thank you.
Now, down here are CIiff and Norman, two of our most reguIar reguIars.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
PIeased to do you.
I mean, how do I meet me.
- Forget it.
- Smooth, CIiff.
I hate her.
I Iove this pIace.
It's got a great feeIing.
Yeah, I knew you'd Iike it.
Sam, I tried reaching the owner.
No answer.
- Thank you, Coach.
- You can caII me Louis Armstrong.
That must be Sammykins.
He is gorgeous, just as you described him.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You didn't do justice to his coIogne.
And you wanted me to switch.
See? Heather Landon, meet Sam ''I reek, therefore I am'' MaIone.
How do you do? Heather, I've heard Diane babbIe about you a Iot.
You grew up together, right? PracticaIIy.
We were in grade schooI.
Heather hasn't changed a bit.
Must have been some grade schooI.
She moved into town.
Isn't that wonderfuI? I have to warn you.
When we get together, we get a IittIe goofy.
I shouId have brought a big Goofy.
I hear they're on saIe.
Cute and funny.
I think you got Iucky this time, Diane.
Just Iike the rest of them.
Hung up on Iooks, personaIity and styIe.
Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade.
We aIways got in troubIe.
Some of the things she got me to do! Remember the prank phone caIIs? This is the WTRM radio contest.
For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P.
Go ahead.
Porsche, PIymouth and Pontiac.
No, I'm sorry.
Those cars start with gas.
It's pathetic.
I'II show you the pIace.
Nice meeting you, Sam.
Sorry Diane got to you first.
I often regret there are so many women and onIy one of me.
- Oh, boy.
- What's wrong, Sam? - You're kidding.
You didn't see that? - See what? - What are you taIking about? - Guys, Diane's friend came on to me.
- You're crazy.
- You're with Diane.
For her you're safe.
Forget about that.
I'm taIking about vibrations.
I know women.
Diane's friend wants me.
I know a thing or two.
I've had experience of this sort of thing.
- You, Norm? - Yeah.
When I was dating Vera, her sister used to prance around wearing a bikini or fIimsy IittIe shorts or something.
She used to sit on my Iap.
Whisper in my ear how sexy I was.
So I did it.
I asked her out.
She turned me down fIat.
Vera know this? Yeah, Coach.
She was there and she was reaIIy furious.
I'm surprised she even married you.
The ceremony was in progress.
Wasn't much she couId do about it.
I know what you are taIking about, but there's more going on here.
- She seems Iike such a sweet kid.
- Yeah.
Just as every author has had to work among common peopIe for materiaI.
MuscIes! I think Sammy's on to something here.
She's a vixen, undressing every man with her eyes.
No wonder I feIt such a chiII.
That's our IittIe pub.
Diane, she hasn't seen aII of it yet.
You didn't show her Sam's office.
No, CarIa! Just some of that witty repartee you Iove.
That was a Iousy thing to do.
What the heII is that? It's an attack dog a friend of mine gave me.
He's good.
- ExceIIent.
- Coach, get on the phone.
- Diane, are you aII right? - Yes.
You trained me weII.
Listen, I've reaIIy got to be going.
Oh, right.
You and I and Sam wiII have dinner tonight.
I'm going to cook.
- Why? - WeII, to ceIebrate.
Now that Heather's Iiving here I want us aII to be good friends.
And I have a speciaI recipe to try.
My own veaI Oscar.
That's the award you get if you can act Iike you Iike it.
Heather, do you mind hanging on? I want to taIk to Diane in private.
I know what you're gonna do.
I'II finish my coffee.
AII right.
- Sam, no answer yet.
- Just keep trying.
Look, sweetheart.
Hey, hey, come on.
Heather's OK, but I don't think we shouId hang out too much.
- Why not? - I don't think the two of us hit it off.
- You hit it off.
She's nuts about you.
- I bet she is.
I didn't want to have to teII you this because you're paIs.
But she's coming on to me gangbusters.
- Why do you Iook at me Iike that? - I can't beIieve you're saying this.
I need heIp here.
I don't have much experience saying no to women.
The cIosest I've gotten is, ''Not now, we're Ianding.
'' I'm just teIIing you this because I think you ought to keep us apart.
- What? - This is staggering.
Do you think every woman you see is attracted to you? I've had enough women come on to me to know when it's happening.
WeII, I guess there's onIy one way to convince you.
- Heather? - Wait a minute.
What are you doing? - I'm going to ask her.
- No, don't do that.
I'm sorry if it embarrasses you but it serves you right.
Heather, I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortabIe, but I want to get it out of the way so we can proceed to a Iasting friendship.
Sam just now mistook your innocent fIirtation for a sexuaI overture.
WiII you pIease expIain to him your reaI feeIings? Sam, I want you and I don't care who knows it.
- What? - Gotcha! You're very attractive, but for me to give up my friendship, you'd have to be rich.
- See you tonight for dinner.
- See you Iater.
No, ma'am, I'm sorry.
Those cars start with gas! - Let's caII your mother now.
- Get out of here! Whitey, whitey.
You're making a mistake.
What do you mean? That so-caIIed friend of yours is hot for Sam.
Everyone here is insane.
Why wouId you think that? - Sam thinks it.
- Not any more, he doesn't.
I trust his first instincts.
When it comes to dames, he's got an antenna that picks up things we miss.
Dogs and cats know there's an earthquake coming.
No one can expIain.
It's simpIe.
There are cracks on the surface of Your brain.
PIease, don't distract Diane from her suffering.
BeIieve me, you're being dense.
If Sam says she's hot for him, bank on it.
It's Iudicrous.
The more I think about this, the more I'm Iooking forward to tonight.
I've never had a woman who's just a friend.
- This wiII be reaIIy good for me.
- Tonight? Remember, you're cooking that Oscar Mayer thingy.
VeaI Oscar.
Sam, I've had second thoughts about that.
Did you know that veaI comes from baby cows? If you think I wouId take part in such a senseIess sIaughter Open a can of beans.
The important thing is getting to know Heather.
I think just being friends with a sexy woman is a big step in my maturity.
We've got to get into the office to get some stock.
We're out of gin and the KahIua martinis aren't moving.
I don't think you shouId come to dinner when there's so much on your mind.
- The dog and everything.
- I'II take care of the dog now.
I'm one step ahead of you, Sammy.
Mix a IittIe compIimentary cocktaiI for the mutt.
I got hoId of the owner.
He said booze caIms him right down.
- I hope the guy's thirsty.
- Be carefuI.
Oh, Iook at him.
He's just a big puppy dog.
You're a big doggie, yes, you are.
There's onIy one probIem.
The owner said booze makes the dog amorous.
- Yeah? Right.
- Good boy.
He's a good boy.
Wait, not that good.
Come on in, Heather.
Something smeIIs great.
I thank you.
Dinner's aImost ready.
Make yourseIf at home.
- WeII, what do you think? - About what? About this dress.
I saw it and had to have it.
Why did you buy a dress today of aII days? You meet everybody, go out and get a come-get-me dress.
I just saw it today.
Of course.
You did what anyone in your position wouId have done.
- Diane, is everything aII right? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Of course.
Back to work.
- I sure Iike Sam.
- SIut.
- What? - I said thanks a Iot.
You're weIcome.
One for dinner.
- Do you have reservations? - PIenty, but I came anyway.
- How are you doing? Here you go.
- Nice.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Sam.
How are you doing? I want to apoIogise for this afternoon.
I was a IittIe crazy.
Here you go.
I think the three of us are gonna be reaI good friends now.
Yeah, I think so too.
- Me too.
WeII, Iet's get to dinner.
- What's the rush? The sooner we begin, the sooner we can finish.
And then we can be finished.
- Isn't friendship great? - Yeah.
What's that saying about friends and Iovers? Friends and Iovers.
Don't Ieave home without them.
Very funny.
You're tickIish.
You are.
You are.
Oh, no.
PIease, pIease! Dinner time! You don't have to shout.
We can hear you.
Of course.
Hunger makes me want to shout.
Now, come on.
Sorry I don't have pIace cards.
We'II put Sam in the middIe so we can share him.
I think this is gonna be great.
Just the three of us.
Three good friends.
- Like Quartos, Athos and Aramus.
- There you go.
I don't think Sam knows that reference.
I may not read books, but I know good music.
Supremes, right? - FabuIous.
- Sometimes I surprise her.
- I bet you do.
- Here we go.
Hope you didn't have spaghetti for Iunch.
- I thought we were having veaI Oscar.
- There are remnants in the sauce.
I thought we weren't gonna do anything with veaI.
This sucker was aIready dead.
- WeII, it Iooks divine, Diane.
- Thanks.
Bon appetit.
Remember the way we used to eat ''pasghetti''? - No.
- Like this.
That was good.
AII right.
Let me try.
You got some sauce on your bIouse there.
Thanks for your discretion.
This is wonderfuI spaghetti.
And the pasta is cooked just perfectIy.
It's firm yet it yieIds to the bite.
That's exactIy the way it shouId be.
Take a bite off the end of this.
- See? Perfect.
- Try mine.
Yours is good too.
This garIic bread is magnificent.
Here, have some of mine.
- Hot, hot, hot.
- You don't even have to chew it.
You just set it in your mouth and it meIts.
Goodies, goodies.
- You have a IittIe sauce right there.
- I don't wanna waste it.
No, on the other side there.
There we are.
Come on! - Stop it right now.
I mean it! - What? What? You know what.
You know perfectIy weII what.
Think I don't know what's going on? Spaghetti, sauce, bread.
Have you no shame? - What the heII's the matter with you? - I know what that was aII about.
You think I don't know what noodIes mean in sexuaI Iingo? And sauce.
I read my Freud.
We were just enjoying the meaI.
Don't give me that.
That meaI's inedibIe.
You're doing the same thing I did this afternoon and you caIIed me nuts.
No, Sam, it's aII right.
It's not surprising.
I'm an outgoing person.
PeopIe misinterpret it.
- I'm just surprised it came from you.
- Yeah.
Me too.
What am I saying? I must reaIIy be paranoid, mustn't I? It's happened to me before.
It's happened to everyone.
Heather I'm so sorry.
She didn't mean it, Heather.
How can you be eating now? I've eaten through worse than this.
- Goodbye.
- Heather, where are you going? - You're not Ieaving, are you? - Paranoid or not, she's uncomfortabIe.
HonestIy, no.
Our friendship is the most important friendship in my Iife.
And I wouId never, never do anything to intentionaIIy hurt it.
PIease forgive me and stay.
Of course.
I can't throw away 20 years.
That's beautifuI.
You know, I just wanna thank you for Ietting me be part of this.
- That was very sweet.
- Sam.
You are so sweet.
Hey, weII EngIish ( en)