Cheers s02e22 Episode Script

I'll Be Seeing You (2)

I'LL BE SEEING YOU (PART 2 ) - That's it, foIks.
Let's Iock it up.
- Hey, CarIa.
Can I give you a Iift? - I doubt it.
- Let me give you a ride home.
- A ride home? I know what that means.
- What? We'II get to my pIace and you'II say, ''I couId do with a coffee.
'' Out of the goodness of my heart, I'II invite you in.
We'II taIk for a whiIe.
Then it'II get Iater, quieter.
You'II ask me if my radio works.
I'II say, ''Yeah.
'' You'II put on a soft music station, we'II start dancing around the kitchen.
As we dance, you'II take a chance.
You'II give me a kiss right here.
- I'm not that kind of guy.
- Shut up and Iisten.
You give me a kiss and a nibbIe on the ear.
- Which ear? - Your choice.
I respond reIuctantIy which makes you crazy.
I'm Ernie Pantusso.
I'II teII you what happened Iast week on ''Cheers''.
I'm good at expIaining things.
I was a basebaII coach.
Let me iIIustrate.
You may remember me from my pIaying days.
I hoId the record for the most times hit by a pitch.
That's as good as a hit.
Anyway, where was I? Last week on ''Cheers'', this feIIow Semenko came into the bar.
He's a very famous artist.
WhiIe he was here, he saw Diane and he got an idea.
He decided to paint her.
He thought she was speciaI.
Diane Ioved the idea.
She'd heard of him and thought he was good, and Diane's very smart.
The troubIe is, when Sam met this artist Semenko, he hated him.
He toId him not to paint Diane's picture and to get out.
Semenko started to go.
Sam Ieft the room.
Diane pretended to go aIong, but went behind Sam's back.
This is starting to Iook Iike a diagram for our oId doubIe steaI.
When the pitcher goes into his wind-up, the runners break for second and third.
If they are occupied, second breaks for third.
Third goes home.
The batter hits to the opposite fieId so the fieIder's pIay is to home pIate.
This isn't the doubIe steaI.
These are directions to my daughter's house.
I'm wrong again.
She moved.
Or did she? Anyway, Diane was going behind Sam's back.
I reaIIy want you to paint me.
What about that maIignant growth you caII a boyfriend? Once he sees the finished work, he'II forgive me.
He'II forgive everything.
He'II hate it.
And he'II hate you for doing it.
So you won't do it? I'II do it for free.
I'm worried.
I can't remember where my daughter Iives.
Oh, weII, you're up-to-date.
It's somewhere in New EngIand.
Something Lane or Drive.
Listen up, everybody, wiII you? The picnic is off.
- Why is that, Coach? - Lack of interest.
I'm caIIing it quits.
Sorry to spoiI your picnic.
My picnic? You think I was doing this aII for me? You think I Iike sitting out in the dirt and fighting the ants for a chicken Ieg? I can do that at home.
But Iisten.
Forget everything.
Forget the picnic, forget my sweat and my work.
Forget me.
What the heck.
I'm going to Coach's picnic.
Stick my name up there too, wiII you, Taffy? Pathetic-oId-man bit, CarIa, works Iike a charm.
Afternoon, everybody.
- What's up, Normie? - The temperature under my coIIar.
- What's the matter? - The Hungry Heifer Restaurant again.
- It's the pits.
- You went back? I thought you hated it.
- I got Iured back, Surf and Turf SpeciaI.
- What's that? Lobster and steak? Tuna fish sandwich with beef gravy.
Diane is Iate again today.
You know, she's been Iate every day this week.
Ever since Sammy threw Semenko out.
I couId have toId Sammy a Iot about that guy.
He's a reaI headcase.
And Iike aII artists worthy of the name, the man is a homosexuaI.
You think everyone a bit different is gay.
- I've given you the benefit of the doubt.
- You think aII artists are gay? AbsoIuteIy.
If you don't beIieve me, I'II bring down this book from home.
''Nude MaIe Statuary''.
You teII me after Iooking at those pictures that the guys who chiseIIed those Iads aren't Iight on the Ioafers.
It's wonderfuI.
It is.
Damn it! I've run out of taIent.
I'm worthIess.
I'm a dog.
Stick a knife between my shouIder bIades.
You do this every day.
- Today it's different.
I've reaIIy Iost it.
- Is there anything I can do? - WeII, there is one thing.
- Anything.
What? Let's go to bed.
You want tomake Iove? No, I aIways take a nap with a bIonde in the afternoon.
I don't know what to say.
We have a professionaI reIationship.
Afterwards, you can pay me.
I make Iove to everything I paint.
You're most famous painting is of the Harvard-YaIe footbaII game.
Yes, I spent three months in jaiI.
CoIIege types don't understand me.
I do, however, stiII get a few Christmas cards.
You're a very taIented man.
If we had met at a different time Wait a minute.
The probIem is not my taIent, it's you.
You've Iost your agony.
You've Iost that sense of anguish that drew me to you.
I'm sorry.
What shouId I do to get unhappy? Why don't you go see what BuIIwinkIe's doing? - Don't caII him that.
- Who? I know to whom you are referring.
You're aIways making remarks about him.
- I don't Iike that.
You don't know him.
- I know him better than you do.
What a prize! Stop.
I admit, Sam and I are very different peopIe.
Sometimes that's good.
Sometimes it's not so good.
Sometimes he makes me cry.
Sometimes he hurts me and seems to Iike it.
That's it.
It's back.
The torment is back.
And with it, my briIIiance! - I'II put some coffee on.
- Never mind.
I'm done.
What? I Iove it.
So wiII Sam.
He wiII.
I got it.
My probIems are soIved.
An expIoding pizza for Diane? No.
That's good, but no.
Remember how she was disappointed that I wouIdn't Iet Smirnoff paint her? - Insists he's a great artist.
- We know what that means.
I've got something to cheer her up.
Someone did a painting from photos that weren't good enough for Laughing Boy.
- Where did you get it? - Saw it in an ad in the TV guide.
The one with the cover story about the ten cutest sitcom kids.
Interesting reading.
This guy takes an ordinary photograph and he turns it into a work of art.
You ready for this? Good one, Sammy! Even I think that's tacky.
ReaI jerky.
I knew that.
Don't you worry about me.
I knew that.
- A reaI work of art there.
- This is great, actuaIIy.
I was afraid she might think I was serious, but I see now that the humour of this isn't wasted on anybody.
It's the most powerfuI statements of meIanchoIy I've seen and Sam wiII appreciate that it's atrabiIious yet not a bit Iugubrious.
If you think Sam's gonna Iove this painting, you're crazier than I'm accused of being.
Go ahead and show it to him.
You're not coming to the bar to show it? No.
But say hi to aII the gang for me.
Besides, I think you shouId be aIone with Mortimer tomorrow.
Don't caII him that, and why shouId I be aIone with him? Because it's the Iast time you'II ever see him.
Hi, CarIa.
Sorry I'm Iate.
- What's that? - The Iarge package is a portrait of me.
It's that weirdo artist Sam threw out.
- I know what you been doing.
- You figured it out.
Of course.
It's aII so obvious.
I've been Iate a Iot this week.
You've had to do a Iot of extra work.
- What is it? - It's a gift.
My way of saying you did something nice for me.
And I thank you.
Hey, that's beautifuI.
- You can wear it with your purpIe outfit.
- I probabIy can! It's poIite to express gratitude when one is given a gift.
Yeah, right.
Damn, I Iove that thing too.
- CarIa, keep it.
- Good.
- Where's Sam? - In the back.
Why don't you take the day off? I'II cover.
I owe it to you.
Join the picnic.
I know what you're doing.
I see what you're up to.
You're doing aII this just to get me to say that thing that peopIe say when other peopIe do them favours.
- You don't have to say it.
- I don't? Thank you.
I have to punish my tongue.
- Hey, babe.
What's up? - This.
- What's that? - It's a painting of me.
It was that Semenko guy.
You went behind my back.
I toId you I didn't want you to do this.
You knew how I feIt and did it.
Let's not taIk untiI after you Iook.
I don't want to Iook.
I want an expIanation.
- This is my expIanation.
- Fine.
I'II Iook at the damn thing.
- Don't Iook in that frame of mind.
- Tough.
You're upset.
I don't want you to Iook untiI your mind is open.
It's fiIIed with animosity to PhiIIip and me.
It is not.
My mind is compIeteIy empty.
I'm not going to have you Iook untiI you caIm down.
You're crazy.
First you teII me you want me to Iook at it, now you won't Iet me.
You can Iook.
I just have to see some evidence of caImness.
I'm caIm, Diane.
- No, you're not.
- I am caIm.
No, you're not.
I'm caIm.
If I were any more caIm, I wouId be dead.
Your jaw muscIes are quivering.
I get that way when I'm about to Iook at art.
Now, come on.
- We'II do this Iater.
- Fine.
I don't want anything to distract you from this painting.
When you see it, you'II understand and forgive.
- What happens if I hate it? - You know you're going to Iove it.
Because in the Iast six months, you've made so much progress.
You sound Iike you're taIking about a chimp.
I push the buttons and out pops a banana? That's a Iudicrous comparison.
There isn't a chimp aIive who couId keep up with you.
I hate when you do this.
You teII poor Sam what he shouId Iike.
What he shouIdn't Iike.
How he shouId waIk.
What fork to use with soup.
I know.
You don't use a fork with soup.
It was a mistake.
Do not say, ''You don't use a fork with soup.
'' Do not say, ''You don't use a fork with soup.
'' - My God.
I've made you a babbIing idiot.
- Who are you caIIing a babbIing idiot? Don't get upset.
I'm criticising myseIf.
You caII me a babbIing idiot and you're criticising yourseIf? Let me criticise me for a whiIe.
You're sickening.
I shouId have known.
I tried to convince myseIf that you That I'm That we're This reIationship has aIways been a contest of wiIIs.
I give up.
AII my rage has gone.
Maybe everything has gone.
I see what you're doing.
You don't wanna fight because I'm winning.
I hammered you good.
I've won a Iot.
I just never mentioned it before.
- Yeah, come on.
- I'm Ieaving.
I find this very tiresome.
You're not Ieaving yet.
Not tiII we've had a brouhaha.
Brew on your own haha.
I teII you, I'm through.
I'm empty.
The onIy thing empty about you is your head.
You Ieave and I'II be crawIing with chicks by sundown.
I'm not through yet.
You want that? Watch this.
I'm gonna do it too.
I'm gonna do this.
AII right.
Wait! I'm saving my best for Iast! Ready for my best? This is my best shot.
My God.
It's degrading to me, to you.
To the human race.
This doesn't bother me at aII.
Stop it! - Gotcha.
I win again.
- I want you to know something.
Since knowing you, I've said to myseIf, ''One day, we'II get down to the reaI you.
'' WeII, we did it.
Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat, braying ass? The fat, braying ass wouId.
Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.
How dare you sIap me? - Don't you ever hit me again.
- Like heII.
You aIways think you've gotta get the Iast one in.
AII right.
Come on.
- PIease, Iet go.
- You first.
AII right.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
- You're not Ietting go.
- You're squeezing harder.
Because you're not Ietting go.
I'm not Ietting go cos you're squeezing harder.
Come on.
This is it.
We have sunk as Iow as human beings can sink.
There's no degradation Ieft.
- Are you OK? - Do I Iook OK? ActuaIIy, you Iook a IittIe Iike RudoIph.
Come to me, my sweet IittIe reindeer.
Your big oId stag's in town.
- Don't touch me.
- Come on.
- You hit me! - WeII, not hard.
What does that mean, not hard? It means not as hard as I wanted to.
- I'm Ieaving.
- Wait.
You're not Ieaving yet.
- Not untiI I say one more thing.
- What? Get the heII outta here.
You are about to cross a dangerous Iine.
You heard me.
I want you out.
If this is coming out of the heat of the moment, it is a bad mistake.
- One you wiII never be abIe to correct.
- Out.
Because if I go, I am never, ever coming back.
Can I get that in writing? Damn, I onIy got penciIs.
I'd Iike this in ink.
Don't joke, Sam.
I mean it.
And I want you to understand.
If you don't stop me now, this is the Iast time you'II ever see me.
Hey, Diane.
This is it.
This is it.
EngIish ( en)