Cheers s03e04 Episode Script

Fairy Tales Can Come True

FAIRY TALES CAN COME TRUE "And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming "And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor "And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor "Shall be lifted never more!" - Doc, you tell great stories.
- That was Poe.
Don't be modest.
It was great.
Who's next to chill us with a scary story? I think I have a chilling tale.
Yeah, but it's cute when you wiggle it.
I got the greatest ghost story ever told.
Casper got caught in this huge laundry basket Don't finish it.
Some of us want to sleep tonight.
You're right, Carla.
It's best that I live with it myself.
My God, what a horrible sight.
Speaking of horrible sights, Coach, take a look at this! Two vodka rocks with a twist.
Didn't I tell you that Halloween at Cheers would be fun? Yes, but I won't hold it against you.
I got those two tickets for the Boston Pops.
- Wonderful.
- Are you going to the Boston Pops? - I'm jealous.
- You sound like a fan, Sam.
The Boston Pops was the one cultural event that Sam genuinely liked.
I especially liked the 18 somethingth overture.
- 1812.
- You really know your stuff.
Till Diane dragged me to that concert, I never realised just how many years of practice and dedication it takes to become a musician.
- Anyone in particular impress you? - Yeah, the guy on the cannons.
He's incredible.
You know, I actually thought about taking it up myself, but I think it's one of those things you have to start when you're young.
- They say to be truly great, you do.
- That's what I thought.
Sometimes I think Sam is pretending to be less intelligent than he really is.
But how intelligent would someone have to be to pretend to be that dumb? - I'm not even sure I could pull it off.
- Yes, you could.
I'm sorry, Carla, if we offended you with our public display of affection.
But try to understand, Frasier Crane has the same effect on me that cheap chianti and dice hanging from a rear view mirror have on you.
You got it bad.
Hello, everyone.
And a happy All Hallows' Eve.
- Guess who I am.
- Cliff Clavin.
No, Coach, let me give you a hint.
I went to Florida to find the fountain of youth.
Cliff Clavin.
Coach, I'm Ponce de León.
- I think your ears are too big.
- For Ponce de León? - No, for you, Cliffie.
- I don't know, Coach.
I'm very proud of my big ears.
A lot of women consider them erogenous zones during heavy petting.
Are you kidding? You never had a date in your life.
Because he's never had the guts to ask a girl out.
It's got nothing to do with guts.
It's just that the women you find in the northeastern seaboard bore me.
I prefer southern belles.
The kind of women you find in Florida.
He's going to go on about Florida again.
When I was down there, I was covered with women.
- Sure they weren't mosquitoes? - Thank you, Bob Hopeless.
I'll just go in the back and scope out the dollies.
- Why don't you guys lighten up on Cliff? - Sorry, Sam.
But you've got to admit, it's a little bit weird.
He's never been married.
I've never seen him with a woman.
Norm, he's your best friend.
Is he gay or what? I can't believe what I'm hearing! You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance.
We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts.
He never got married or went with girls.
He even wore fancy Italian shoes and he lived with a guy who was a florist.
And Duke wasn't gay.
Yes, he was, Coach.
He was? Do you think he'd like to meet Cliffie? Come on, guys.
Cliff is not gay, all right? He's just shy around women to the point of being a blithering idiot.
Diane, that was a colleague on the phone.
He's taken ill.
He wants me to take his place tomorrow at a seminar at the University of Chicago.
I've got to go home and pack.
- We won't be able to go to the concert.
- You can still go.
Listen, take along a friend.
Sam indicated some interest.
Sam? I think I could find more stimulating company for the concert.
I wouldn't have to look farther than the nearest Petri dish.
Once again, I am startled by how far you are above petty emotion like jealousy.
I just figured it was time Sam learned to appreciate instruments without fuses.
- Goodbye, my tiny Alice.
- Goodbye, my mad Mad Hatter.
There are many theories why the Florida orange is superior to the Californian.
I think it's the trace mineral element in the Floridian water.
Due to the frequency of the typhoons and the nitrogen-rich alligator guano.
- Furthermore, there's three - I just remembered I left my oven on.
If I hurry home, I can stick my head in it.
Florida oranges are delicious.
- What? - Nothing.
Have you been to Florida? No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go.
I read that they have the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.
That's right.
In Orlando.
I even sat in one of them.
- What's your name? - Tinker Bell.
What's yours? Me? I guess it's Ponce de León.
The guy that discovered Florida.
Would you marry me and bear my children? Would you like to go in the back and maybe play some pool? Or as they say in Tallahassee, shoot some pocket billiards? - I'd love to, Mr León.
- Please, call me Ponce.
It looks like you're out to conquer new territories, Ponce.
Holy God.
Did anyone ever tell you you dance divinely, Ponce? Someone mentioned it to me.
Was that Cortez or Pizarro? I'm ready to go.
Would you hand me my purse? I'll put a new tune on the jukebox.
I'm not using a pair of tickets tomorrow for the Boston Pops.
You can have them if you're interested.
- No, thank you.
- You'll enjoy it! The programme is an evening filled with fireworks and laser beams, occasionally interrupted with the music of Gershwin.
I just can't think of who I'd take.
Most of the women I date don't like music they can't dance to.
Most of the women you date don't like music they can't shed clothing to.
- How come you don't want to go? - I do.
But Frasier's out of town and I can't think of anyone I'd like to go with.
I guess Frasier would feel uncomfortable if you and I went.
- No, actually he suggested it.
- So, you'd be uncomfortable? Not at all.
While you still harbour tortured longings for me, the emotions are unreciprocated.
I don't see why we shouldn't go together.
- Then it's a date.
- No, not a date.
I mean not a date date.
Well, it's a What would you call an evening with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever? A first.
I guess it's time for me to be heading back to Never Never Land.
- Let me walk you back to your car? - No, that's OK! It's right outside here.
But I just want to know when we're going to see each other again.
We haven't seen each other at all yet.
I know! Let's meet tomorrow night on this very spot as ourselves at eight o'clock.
Don't you be a minute late.
- Nice enough young person, Sam? - Way to go, Cliffie! What do you mean? If I didn't know you, I'd say that you were pretty smooth tonight.
Sam, I think I resent that a little bit.
Well, that's OK.
You just think you know me a lot better than you really do.
Tonight wasn't really all that unusual for me.
- Come on, Cliff.
- No, really, it was commonplace.
- What? - OK, three, two, one Hooray! I got a date! Thank you, Sam.
Here we are.
Yeah, thank you for the ride home and thank you for the concert.
That Gershwin's a genius.
The mark of a great composer is when the audience leaves humming your fireworks.
- I had a great time.
- Me, too.
I've not had such a good time since I know when you stopped having good times, Diane.
It goes without saying.
I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.
Me, too.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
How did you like our first outing with no promise or threat of sexual encounter? You're not out that door yet.
Good evening, everybody.
- Can I have a beer, please, Coach? - This one's on me, Coach.
- Thank you, Norm.
- Cliffie Well? Well, what? Last I saw, you were dancing together.
- Yeah, so? - So you know? No, Norm, I don't know.
He wants to know if you boinked her, you dink.
Good God, Norm! Psychologists believe that one night of meaningless pleasure can get in the way of commitment? - Is that true, Sam? - I rely on it.
She's meeting me here tonight at eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
I don't believe this.
You're meeting in 15 minutes.
I don't believe how calm you are.
Don't tell me that you subscribe to that myth about my discomfiture with women.
I was here when a woman asked you the time.
You swallowed the lower half of your face.
You know nothing about body language.
That gesture is replete with erotic message.
- To a baboon.
- All right.
I admit that in the past I've been shy around women, but I've been thinking about it and I don't think there's been any real reason for my insecurity.
As a matter of fact, watch this.
Sammy, lighter.
May I? Thank you.
You're very wel I mean, you're welcome.
You're You're very extremely You're I think he's too damn smooth for his own good.
I'm such a wimp! I'm such a wuss.
I'm such a weenie! God, am I a dink! I know you're nervous, but this one's different.
- You danced with her.
- I didn't dance with her.
- Ponce de León did.
- You did.
I was just playing a role.
- Tonight I'm me, a tongue-tied yutz.
- I want you to listen to me for a minute.
There's been a lot of talk about you.
The one always defending you is me.
That's what best friends are for.
But it's almost eight o'clock.
The one woman weird enough for you to have a shot at may be outside.
You blow this, I don't even want to look at you.
Stop it, will you, Norm? Knock it off.
OK, I'll go out there.
I love you, big guy! Give her a try first.
If it doesn't work out, we can talk.
If she comes downstairs now and sees you standing there, she'll know you've been there for six hours.
That looks desperate.
So? That's the way it is, isn't it? This is what love comes to.
I want to remember this, Sammy.
Somebody take my picture.
Come on, Cliff.
It's on me.
- Sit down.
- I guess you're right.
No more illusions about happiness for me.
I'm going to drink myself into oblivion.
No, you're not.
You'll just have two problems that way.
Why did she stand me up? That does it.
Now I'll let my grooming and appearance go to hell.
And you think the results will be noticeable? Thank you, Carla.
I want abuse piled on me tonight.
Maybe I'll get it through my thick head that I'm a loser.
You know what my school nickname was? - No, you never told us.
- I didn't have one, Coach.
I tried to get one started, made it up myself.
Courteous Cliff.
- Couldn't you have done better? - I didn't want to arouse suspicion.
There's a tribe of men in the Middle East called the Essenites.
They're celibate and live without women.
Rumour has it that they are the happiest men in the world.
Tomorrow I'm going to send for their brochure.
Hello, Cheers.
No, there's no Ponce de León here.
We don't have Prince Albert in the can.
I think that might be for me.
Hello? Yeah.
Really? No, I understand.
Yeah, I understand.
All right.
Isn't that something? She was afraid to meet me without her mask on.
I actually made a woman nervous.
That's incredible, isn't it? Are you two going get together? Yeah.
She's at a pay phone across the street.
She said she's coming right over.
- Cliffie, yeah? - Let's not stand here.
- We'll be up here.
- Come here.
- Thank you.
- We don't want to have to eavesdrop.
So keep your stupid remarks loud.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I'm Club Clifford.
I'm Cliff Clavin.
I'm Hario Share.
Sharon Hair I mean I'm Sharon O'Hare.