Cheers s03e09 Episode Script

An American Family

AN AMERICAN FAMILY - Could I have some suds, Coach? - Yeah.
Normie, how's it going? You got Vera pregnant yet? Not yet.
What's up? It's been a few months.
I'm a little disappointed.
I'm doing my darnedest.
- Anything to get Vera off my back.
- Your back? I think I see a little problem with your technique.
Coach, can I have a pencil and a large piece of paper? Anyone see Orosco hit a homer last night? - What a fluke.
A relief pitcher.
- Unbelievable.
- Sammy, what kind of hitter were you? - I remember hitting 211 one year.
In your dreams.
One Scotch rocks, please.
- I don't think you ever hit over 150.
- Wait, I got 20 bucks says he did.
- You're on, sucker.
- Kiss that Andrew Jackson goodbye.
It's beyond me why you insist on making a contest out of the most meaningless issues.
No, on the contrary, Diane.
We also address ourselves to some of the most vital issues of our times.
For instance, if south-east Asia were to be obliterated by a nuclear attack, Norm would have to push a peanut up Boylston Street with his nose.
But only as far as the corner.
Come on, peace.
Hi, is this Pequod? This is Sam Malone.
I'd like a reservation for two in one of your cosier rooms for the weekend.
That's great.
I'll see you Friday night, late.
- I heard you mention the Pequod.
- Yeah, that's right.
That wouldn't be that charming little inn that you and I went to last fall? I'm sorry.
I didn't think.
- This is gonna bother you, isn't it? - Of course not.
What you do now is your own concern.
Take a different woman every night.
Actually, it's easier to have them meet me there.
It's gonna bug you, me going there with somebody else, isn't it? Not at all.
This is bugging the hell out of you.
I tell you what, I'll go someplace else.
I understand.
Don't be ridiculous.
It doesn't bug me, as you so eloquently put it.
Yeah? Would you take Frasier there? In fact, Frasier and I have been to several places you and I frequented.
It's refreshing to go out with someone who doesn't slide across museum floors in their socks.
Those paintings look a lot better if you go by fast.
Anyway, I'll make sure they don't put me in the same room at the Pequod.
I could care less.
Room number 12.
That was a great room, 12.
Remember when that nor'easter blew through, and we had to stay inside by that big old fireplace? Yeah.
We listened to the wind lashing against the panes, the rain on the roof.
- Huddled under that big comforter.
- I never felt safer.
Me neither.
- You weren't there, Coach.
- I thought you meant now.
Sam, please.
Go, have a good time.
- Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- I'm afraid I've lost that list.
I remember you.
You're that blonde waitress.
And you're Carla's incredibly loathsome ex-husband.
So we both stuck in each other's minds.
Sit down.
You want anything? - Thanks.
I'll have a Coke.
- Be sophisticated.
We're in a bar.
Coca Cola.
No, no.
Order some kind of drink.
I'd like something in a coconut.
You're something in a coconut.
Two Scotches.
Nick, this is a surprise.
How you doing, Sam? You dumped Carla by now? We're no longer going together, but Carla dumped me.
She dumped you? Sam, you boggle me.
Wait a second.
I did dump that blonde waitress there.
Nick! - What the hell do you want? - Hey! - Is that the kind of hello I deserve? - No, bend over and I'll give it to you.
I gotta talk to you.
I would have come by the house, but I didn't want Loretta to see my humble beginnings.
I need a favour.
Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.
- I used to drive you crazy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah I came because I want a kid.
Shouldn't you be baking your biscuits in blondie's oven now? I'm talking about one of ours, the fruit of my loins.
Would you like to use my office, for a little privacy? - No.
- Please.
- What's this about? - As you know, I'm now married to the goddess - compared to you - Loretta.
She can't have kids and it's breaking her heart.
I don't want anybody thinking it's my fault so I figured I'd take one of our old ones.
You want me to give you and that twinkie one of my children? - Product of my seed.
- Please, please.
- This is outrageous, even for you.
- What's the big deal? You got five.
Carla, don't let this recidivist strong-arm you.
There is no bond greater than that of mother and child.
He's talking of your babies.
The issue of your womb.
Would anyone mind if I went into my office? Carla, see reason.
Take out an ad in the paper.
You never know what the kid'll look like, but I can't believe you'd be fussy.
What is this, "Days of Our Lives"? I want my own, not somebody else's.
Mind your own businesses.
I didn't think you'd be cold-hearted, but as you are, I have to do what I'm trying to avoid at all costs.
- Breathe through your nose? - No.
I'm taking you to court.
- You can't do that.
- No? My attorney assures me that I got a very good case.
In fact, he thinks I can get all five kids and you as a maid.
I'm letting you off easy.
Tom, you're a lawyer.
Can he do this? Family law is not my specialty.
However Wait, hold on there, Oliver Wendell Holmes.
What is your specialty, blowing the bar exam? I'm gonna pass it this time.
Don't you worry about it.
I won't.
You've taken it in every state in New England.
This is a man who thinks affidavit's a Jewish wine.
If he knows anything, he knows more than you.
- Thanks.
- Go on, Tom.
We can't wait.
There's a chance he could get custody, if he can prove you're an unfit mother.
Thank you, Counsellor.
And who do you think they're gonna pick? Me, a sincere, hard-working family man? Or you, a hard-up waitress, who leaves her kids every night to come to a sleazy bar? - Watch it.
- Yeah, she's off Thursday nights.
I can also prove that you consort with men of questionable character.
What do you mean? You got the morals of a sewer rat.
Not to worry.
If you knew your law, you'd know a thing in the Bill of Rights called the double standard.
Watch the bureaucrats take that away from us, too.
You're bluffing.
Court costs money, you know.
Unless TV repair has increased dramatically, you make diddle.
Every time you open your mouth, you show your ignorance.
The Tortelli Television Hospital has just come off a record-breaking quarter.
I'll tell you, I got ten men working under me, and two of them is American.
Even if I gave you those kids, they wouldn't want to go with you.
The young ones don't know who you are, the old ones hate your guts.
I don't believe this.
Anthony loves me.
He's the oldest.
He remembers you walking out.
He thinks you're a creep.
- He thinks I'm cool.
- Calls you scuzball.
- He didn't learn that from me.
- Didn't learn anything from you! The nuclear testing range next door's complaining.
Nick, we're gonna be late for that Menudo concert.
Oh, yeah, Menudo.
I won the tickets on the radio.
What is it, anyway? Go to your concert.
You ain't getting no kid of mine.
I know how to cut this short.
- I wanna talk to you alone.
- No.
Forget about it.
I got nothing I wanna talk to you about alone.
Just a little chat.
Between you and I.
Private matters.
Well OK.
Sam, can we use your office? Why? What secrets could you possibly have left? No, don't answer that.
Use my office.
- Carla looked nervous going in there.
- Who wouldn't be? Whenever Nick gets a woman alone, he wraps them round his little finger.
Well, Carla's a pretty tough little nut.
It'll take more than Nick can muster to break the bond between a mother and her first-born offspring.
Mommy! The kid is ours! - Daddy! - We're a family now.
- Let's stuff our faces till we get sick.
- Sounds good.
What are you all looking at? Never seen a jellyfish before? Normie, I hate to be the one to tell you this.
But Sam's batting average never went past 149.
- There's the stat book.
- 149.
That's right.
I don't wanna be the kind of guy who rubs it in, so just let me say I have a little bad news for you.
I bet the Coach that if you won you'd be obnoxious, so I come out even.
Troops, I'm back! What's so funny? Normie just lost a bundle to Cliffie on a bet.
But the Coach just lost a bundle to me.
But the funniest thing is, it's based on the fact that you couldn't hit a baseball to save your life! - Know what's even funnier than that? - What? Cliffie spent 30 bucks on a book to win a 20 dollar bet.
Yeah? Well, you lent me the money.
You know I'll never pay it back.
You know, the way you revel in each other's defeats is totally reprehensible.
Are you ever as pleased with each other's good fortune? Who's had any? Boy, I tell you, it's good to be home.
- How was the Pequod, Sam? - Pequod? Was it everything you remembered it to be? Diane, why torment yourself? - So you really went? - Of course.
Did you enjoy the fruit basket Frasier and I sent to your room? - Fruit basket? - Yes, the fruit basket.
- The fruit basket? - The fruit basket.
Yeah, OK, we loved the fruit basket.
- We didn't send a fruit basket.
- Damn! I knew it.
Your heart wouldn't let you go to that place with another woman.
I find that very sweet.
- She won that one, didn't she? - Not necessarily.
Hey, everybody.
- Hi, Carla.
- Isn't it a great day? You know, as I got up this morning, and I was feeding my four - count them - four kids, I said to myself, "Carla, you are so lucky.
"Think of all those poor human beings who have five or more kids.
"Instead of just four like me.
" You don't even miss this kid at all? I can't even remember his name.
- Anthony.
- My baby! The one time I remember something! If you felt this way, why on earth did you give that child away? Because I could never say no to that man.
I never even wanted to go out with him in the first place.
He won me over.
I didn't wanna go to bed with him.
He won me over.
I didn't wanna marry him.
I didn't wanna have five kids.
Our whole history is me saying no and him winning me over.
Like the other day in there? He held my hand.
And he got real close to me, and then he batted those eyelashes at me.
He said, "Carla, you know why I want that kid? "Cos he is a part of you.
He's the only part of you I have.
" - Nick said that? - Let's not even discuss it.
It's over, the kid is his.
He's coming by to have me sign the papers.
If you don't wanna sign, don't sign.
Stand up to the guy.
I'll resist.
But if I'm alone with him for a second, I'll melt.
Then, as a simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him.
Right, everyone? We shan't! Let's get this signed and over with! Carla, don't you have something you wanna tell Nick? Yeah.
Yes, there is.
I am not signing that paper.
You can't have Anthony.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care what the courts say.
I want my kid back.
Yes! You said Carla didn't give a hoot for the kids.
There's a new development.
- I can't do this.
- What? What do you have to do? I just realised that Carla and I are both women.
And I can't do this to her.
I can't be a party to child stealing.
Are you crazy? The kid's as much mine as hers.
I'm sorry.
I refuse.
I've got to put my foot down about something.
And when I make up my mind, that's my final decision.
While you're thinking about it, why don't we go into Sam's office and have a private talk? I don't think that's going to work this time.
- Please? - Well OK.
- But it's a waste of time.
- We'll be right back.
You can keep talking until you're blue in the face, but it's not gonna change my mind, you're not gonna Carla, sign the paper.
What is this? Even a shot of vitamin Sammy doesn't work that fast.
- Sign the paper.
- I won't.
- Sign it! - Hang tough, Carla.
How about you and I go into Sam's office and have a private talk? - Don't do it, Carla.
- Stay out here with us.
No, I have to go in there with him.
If I can stand up to him this one time, I can break his spell.
- And I think I can do it.
- You gotta know you can do it.
I think I can do it.
OK, Carla's in there facing the greatest crisis of her life.
I want everybody to be quiet for a moment, close your eyes and send her your most positive mental energy.
- Good idea.
- Guess it can't hurt.
Come on, everyone.
This is important.
One two three.
Norman! Come on, Carla, don't be so cold.
I'm a lonely guy.
You're not lonely.
You're disgusting.
Fine, just hear me out on this.
Anthony is the product of our love.
None of that, either.
I've had enough of your sweet talk.
- I don't wanna hear that stuff.
- All right.
- No more sweet talk, no more touching.
- Right.
How about I just Stop it, Nick.
Don't give me the look.
No, not the look! Call me - irresponsible - The song! - The look and the song! - Call me unreliable I'll get the pen.
- Wait a minute, do that again.
- Can't get enough of it? Nothing.
- Nothing? - Zero! You should have stopped at your dumb look.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about this! I'm impressed.
I didn't think you had it in you.
This is the first time you stood up to me.
You resisted my charms.
You win.
Wait a minute, there.
I know better than that.
Your heart wasn't in it.
You know how much that kid meant to me.
What are you talking about? I did my best.
Maybe I don't have it any more.
You have more of it now than you ever did.
- You just went easy on me.
- I busted a gut! Nick.
You went easy on me, didn't you? Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
Well, if you did, thanks.
And if you didn't Take care.
Hey, everybody! I got my kid back! Come on, Loretta.
Congratulations, Carla.
What's your secret? - She knows when to shut up.
- When? Now.
I hope today has been a good lesson for you.
I hope it has diffused the notion that you have some magic power to make women bend to your will.
Mr Tortelli, I find you beneath contempt.
Before you're so hard on me, I'd like to tell you something about myself.
What? It's confidential.
What? I can't hear what you're saying.
All I can feel is your warm, that is to say, your hot, breath on my English