Cheers s03e20 Episode Script

If Ever I Would Leave You

IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU Diane, are you ready? It's time for "The Sorrow And The Pity".
Are you two going straight home to bed? You know it's a movie.
Not just a movie.
It's the final feature in the Human Brutality Film Festival.
Sammy, when's the Coach back from visiting his sister? - He'll be in Minnesota another week.
- Is his sister anything like the Coach? Let me put it this way.
He asked her to pick him up at the airport.
She thought he meant the Boston airport so she drove here to pick him up.
Fortunately, that's what he meant.
They had lunch at the airport.
Then they drove on to St.
I thought she lived in Duluth.
She does, but they don't like the food at the airport in Duluth.
Actually, Coach will probably be back before I could explain this to you.
Let's get out of here.
All the goofs have gone home.
Nobody to laugh at or buy us beer.
I think our work here is done.
Is that Carla's positively-disgusting ex-husband Nick? All right.
Things are picking up, Cliffie.
Have a seat.
Hello, blondie.
I bet you thought you'd never see me again, right? Change "thought" to "begged God" and you've got it exactly.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hello, Sam.
And the rest of you.
It's so good to see some friendly faces.
My, can I use that now.
- Is something wrong? - Yeah, but let's not dwell on it.
It would tear your heart out.
Is Carla around? - No, she went home for the night.
- Frasier, your tea is ready.
Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour, Doctor Frasier Crane.
Doctor of what? Can you get any pills? I'm a psychiatrist.
Have we met? Are you the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair? No, but you're not the first person who asked me.
I wish I had done that.
Maybe my life would be worth something.
What's going on here? What's the matter, Nick? - You remember my wife, Loretta? - Sure do.
She ran out on me.
She always wanted to be a singer.
She got an offer from this big musical group that's touring the country.
The Grinning Americans.
The grinning what? They're wholesome young people, who wear pullover sweaters, sing patriotic songs.
They've had me and Ma marching around the living room on more than one Sunday afternoon.
You live with your mother, Cliff? I have my own room.
I have my own hot plate.
You want to read something sicko into that? - You're not the first to lose a woman.
- You haven't heard the worst.
Loretta wouldn't marry me unless I signed a pre-nuptial agreement and put everything in her name.
I was up to my eyeballs in amore that night.
She got the house and the Tortelli Television Hospital.
- Let me get you a drink.
- I don't have anything.
- I couldn't pay.
- It's on the house.
Nick Tortelli don't take charity or pity, or soda.
So make it neat, Sam.
I forgot my purse.
- What the hell are you doing here? - I came to see if I have any friends left.
Sorry, our new snail pellets took care of them.
You look pretty, Carla.
The twinkie left you, didn't she? She took you for everything, didn't she? Tell me she took you for everything.
I was born into this world naked and so shall I leave it.
Please stay fully-clothed the rest of the time.
You got a guy, Carla? No, I swallowed a beach ball.
For your information, I am not seeing anybody, but the guy that knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.
Get out.
I have no reason to expect any kindness from you.
I treated you like dirt.
But I've come back to start over again.
I would like to make it up to you and my children, if you give me a chance.
I don't know what to say, Nick.
Part of me wants to laugh in your face.
The rest of me wants to throw up.
Go with your heart.
Just how dumb do you think I am? She kicks you out and you expect me to believe that you're a sweet guy that wants to do right by me? What would it take to convince you? - Forget it.
- Wait.
I'm going to hold my hand over this flame until you believe my sincerity.
Go ahead.
I happen to be fond of the smell of roast pig.
Yuck, he's going to do it.
Say you believe me and end my torment.
Say, Nick, shouldn't you be putting it a little closer down to the flame? What, are there rules to this? It's plenty warm up here where it is.
Nick, you're roach droppings.
I never want to see you again in my life.
You're her friends.
You believe me, don't you? You'll talk to her, won't you? Diane, we've missed the Sorrow, but maybe we can still catch the Pity.
Mr Tortelli, I hate to see any human suffer without doing something to help.
I'd like you to call this number any time, day or night.
- Is this your office? - No, I'm far out of your price range.
This is the number of a promising graduate student.
You could put him on the map.
- Good night, Sammy.
- See you later, Nick.
You fellas going home to your warm beds? Yup.
That's where we're going.
You got a place to sleep tonight, don't you? - Yeah, in the gutter out front.
- Good.
As long as you got a place.
They say people don't get involved, Cliff.
Nick, I'm afraid I'm going to have to close up here.
I know.
Just one more thing, Sam, OK? Could I do a few odd jobs for you for a few bucks? Boy, I really don't need anything, Nick.
Sam, you don't understand.
I'll do anything.
A man without a job isn't a man, Sam.
I'll sweep, I'll clean, I'll get on my knees and scrub the place.
The place will be spotless, Sam.
Please Sam, thank you.
Thank you.
God bless you, Sam.
- The broom's in the closet.
- Tonight? That's a little short notice.
I'll do it.
Hello, Miss Carla.
You're looking mighty pretty today.
- But that railing looks terrible.
- Terrible? I can see my face in it.
That's what I mean.
So can I.
I told you, if he's bothering you, I'll get rid of him.
I don't care what he does.
I enjoy seeing him grovel around.
Carla, God knows I was as sceptical as you are, but the man has been working here for three weeks.
He's rented a room with a sink.
He's joined a Christian support group.
He's teaching himself to play the harmonica.
Isn't it possible that he's changed? He's also clipped his fingernails and he's talked about subscribing to a magazine.
But you look beyond the glitter and flash, that's the same old Nick.
He's doing this to impress me, so I'll take him back.
Is that such a bad idea? I'm just asking.
He may be starting to pull the wool over your eyes, but he's not doing it to me.
If I take him back, I'll end up getting hurt.
I won't be the one to argue his case, but in the interest of human charity, perhaps you should keep an open mind.
In the interest of human charity, I wouldn't walk across the room to spit on his shoes.
Pardon me, common scrub person, is there a Nick Tortelli here? - Loretta.
- Nick, is that you? No, it's the Archbishop of Canterbury.
- So you couldn't stay away from me? - The very idea is ludicrous.
We've simply outgrown each other.
I'm living in the fast lane now.
I hobnob with people you wouldn't even feel comfortable with.
Last night I met a head waiter.
So you came to rub my nose in it, right? Hi, gang at Cheers.
Just because I've given Nick the boot doesn't mean that we can't be friends.
Especially you, Carla.
After all, we did have Nick Tortelli in common.
Yeah, you, me and 1,000 head lice.
- What are you doing here? - These are the divorce papers.
Read them and sign them.
And please, let's not make this sticky.
If you think I'm going to give you any argument about this, you're nuts.
I'm over you, Loretta.
Carla won't give me the time of day yet, but I'd rather be scrubbing the floor that she walks on, than scrubbing the floor that you walk on.
That wasn't too good, but you get the picture.
I'm glad to hear that you're over me, Nick, because as far as I'm concerned, you're yesterday's newspapers.
Well, goodbye, gang at Cheers.
I'm sorry you had to witness this ugly scene.
Beat it! And that, Carla, if you'll excuse me for ending a sentence in a preposition, is a man whose shoes you wouldn't cross the room to spit upon.
What can I say, Diane? I was wrong.
It's a start.
- May I take your coat, Miss Carla? - Knock it off, Nick.
Please, for me.
Shame on me.
This coat rack needs to be sanded down and varnished.
- So you and Nick took the kids out? - Yeah.
It was Nick's idea.
We took them to the petting zoo, so they could slap the animals.
Listen, tonight after work, me and you, what do you say, like the old times? We'll go to the White Castle, get burgers and catch some wrestling? There's a couple of grudge matches.
Forget it.
I'd enjoy that with a classy guy, but you and I aren't happening.
Carla, what do I have to do? Don't you believe that people change? You hit rock bottom, then you've got to change or there's no living with yourself.
Sam understands that.
He was a stinking drunk.
I had a problem, Nick.
Miss Diane understands.
She's hustling hooch now.
It wasn't too long ago she was strapped to a bed in the drooling academy.
It was only once that I was restrained to my bed for my own safety when psychotropic drugs affected my balance.
That was only for a week and a half, I was told.
Anyway, what are we talking about me for? Carla, why will you not relent? Because I don't believe you have it in you to be true to me.
If Loretta came back, you would go to her.
You're going to believe me one day and I'm going to hang in until you do.
If you'll excuse me, I have to finish oiling the coasters on Sam's office chair.
Fixing the big wheel's little wheels.
I appreciate it, Nick.
Carla, Cliff and I took alley-oop there to the drive-in over the weekend.
All he could talk about was you.
Miss Carla this.
Miss Carla that.
I am tired of hearing all of you defending that walking hairball.
You want to see why I don't fall for his act? OK, watch.
What's the extension in your office? Two two, one.
Nick? This is Loretta.
I've been getting some of those old feelings again, daddy.
I think we should get together and talk.
I'm at the Baldwin Hotel.
- How soon could you come over? - I've got to get some cigarettes.
- You don't smoke.
- I'm going to start.
I heard good things.
I'm not going to go.
You know where I was going? Loretta called me and she wanted to talk to me.
And I was about to go.
Then you know what happened? I thought of you and I came to my senses.
That wasn't Loretta, Nick.
That was Carla on the phone.
- That was you? - Yes, daddy.
That was a test and I passed with flying colours.
Now do you believe me? Carla, how can you stand there and deny the man burgers and wrestling with the woman he loves? - He knew it was me on the phone.
- Carla, what more can I do? That wasn't a good enough test.
Hi, Carla.
Hi, Nick.
Hi, gang at Cheers.
- The real Loretta.
- Surprise.
- What do you want? - I want you back.
What? Well, this isn't easy to say and I don't know what song it's from, but there's a line in some song that goes, "I've got you under my skin.
" I've Got You Under My Skin, Loretta.
What? No, this is going to complicate things.
No, I was just telling you the name of the song.
Pardon me.
Nick, what I'm trying to say is, do you think there's ever a chance that we'll get back together again? In my heart I knew this day would come.
The other day when I was here with the papers, something stirred inside of me.
Back at the hotel room, all I could think about is the way you used to make me pour Amaretto in your chin dimple so I could sip it out.
I've got so much to learn from this man.
Loretta, I don't feel anything for you any more.
You hear me? Nothing.
But you said you'd always love me.
I'm a complex guy.
You can say no to my words, but can you say no to this? I've got another one where this came from.
You're making a fool out of yourself.
Beat it.
This is one American who's going to have trouble grinning on stage tonight.
Well, I have some oiling to complete.
In God's name, what more do you want? It is the most startling metamorphoses one man has ever undergone.
You're all experts on Nick Tortelli? You all think I should go back with him? Not me.
I don't think you're good enough for him.
I'm going to take him back.
You all watch what's going happen.
- Nick, can I speak to you? - Yes, Miss Carla.
Nick, I want you back.
I want to give you another chance to take care of me and the kids.
Carla, you've made me the happiest man on Earth.
Let's go to White Castle and celebrate! I knew I'd get you back if I kept mopping and cleaning the ashtrays and believing.
But I've got to tell you, that last test was the hardest.
Test, Nick? The way you actually got Loretta to come here and do what she did.
I don't know how you did it.
It wasn't a test, Nick.
- It wasn't? - No.
- She really wants me back? - That's right.
Well, good.
I'm glad to see that you're above that sort of thing.
It's you and me forever.
Really, Nick? I can't believe it.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Something weird, Carla.
I can't control my body.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm going to find a cure for this, if it kills me.
Goodbye, Carla.
I love you.
Loretta! On the way over to the bar this morning, I saw this amazing cloud formation.
It looked like a flock of sheep.
It was really Satisfied? You're all ignorant.
Carla, I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
We made a terrible mistake.
But our regret is tempered by our pride in you.
You didn't fall for him.
You didn't give in.
You stayed strong and you came out on top.
This is your day, Carla.
Yeah, this is my day, except for one thing.
I love the monkey more now than I ever did.
That monkey? It's crazy, isn't it? I don't think it is.
Listen to me.
What you're feeling right now for Nick, every woman has felt it sometime.
We all fall for some guy that we know isn't good for us.
We need excitement.
We need a walk on the wild side.
I know whereof I speak.
Believe it or not, there are times I'm irresistibly drawn to that damn Sam urai Samurai Frasier Crane.
Warrior of Love.
That's what I call him.
Samurai Frasier Crane.