Cheers s03e22 Episode Script

Cheerio, Cheers

CHEERIO CHEERS - Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Carla.
Sam, I'm sorry I'm late.
I realise I left you here without a waitress.
What am I? Chopped liver? No, some people enjoy chopped liver.
- What got you in such a bad mood? - I don't know.
This morning I was thinking I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid.
I'm broke, I live in squalor - I'm having a crisis of faith.
- Don't talk like that.
Would a just God be putting me through this? Well, I know it looks sort of bleak out there.
But you just have to have patience.
Remember Job.
Cliffie's right, honey.
You got a good Job here.
- You're in great health - I don't know.
I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".
Frasier, what a surprise to see you here.
Diane, I've got the most exciting news.
What is it? You're positively tingling.
Sit down.
I have been awarded an honour that surpasses anything I've hoped for.
It goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Are we talking Nobel Prize? - No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
- A Pulitzer? - Not the Pulitzer Prize.
- A Guggenheim Fellowship.
- No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.
- A canned ham? You lost the big ones.
I knew I should have waited.
Diane, I have been chosen to be this year's visiting scholar at the University of Bologna.
- Frasier, that's wonderful.
- The University of Bologna? I can't believe they need a university for a thing like that.
- I know it's a complicated meat, but - Coach.
The University of Bologna is the oldest university in the world.
It has what is arguably the finest school of psychology in Europe.
Now inarguably the finest.
Who's the dean, Oscar Mayer? I hear sausage jokes are making a comeback.
Now here's the exciting news.
My teaching load will provide us ample time to travel throughout Europe.
- Us? - I thought you'd notice that.
I'm leaving in two weeks and I'd love for you to come along.
Why, that would be wonderful, wouldn't it? - How long would we be gone? - Six months.
This would be a very big undertaking.
So many details to take care of.
My apartment, a passport.
My plants, my classes, Sam, paper, my dry-cleaning.
- Sam? - Well, yes.
You know what a devastating effect it had on him the last time I left.
He's fragile.
He can be wounded.
Hey, Doc.
Ever seen a guy do push-ups with his tongue? - Well, no, I haven't.
- Watch this.
You see, Diane? Even without you his life is very full.
Frasier, I'm serious.
All right.
I was Sam's therapist.
I'll tell him and observe his reaction.
If he shows any anxiety whatsoever, I'll be here to assuage it.
- Can I have a word with you? - Sure, Doc.
What's up? - Diane and I are going to Europe.
- Europe? Overseas? Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.
I'm going to be teaching there for six months and Diane is going with me.
And you may never see her again.
Well, that's I'm happy for you guys.
Maybe I should throw you a bon voyage party.
What do you think? - You're not bothered? - Not bothered? How delightfully naive.
He's repressing.
Come along, Sam.
- I want to have a little chat with you.
- What are we going to talk about? The emotions that you're repressing right now.
I'm here for you and I won't leave until you can deal with this.
She doesn't want to go to Europe.
She's still harbouring feelings for you.
- Come on, Frasier.
That again? - Yes.
You should have seen the look on her face when I asked her just now.
She is a great cure for happiness, isn't she? You can't expect her to jump up and down with joy right off the bat.
- I'd love to know why.
- Because Diane is Diane.
She's never done anything without thinking about it.
She analyses everything.
If you were to say, "Can I offer you a million dollars?" she'd say, "No, no, no.
That's may I offer you a million dollars?"' I admit she does have a tendency to be cerebral.
I never pictured myself in a relationship where I would be the wild and impulsive one.
Let's be fair, though.
She does know how to show a man a good time.
You're right.
We'd be out and she'd say, "Look.
Those guys are having fun.
" Come on.
I'll bet she comes around.
I bet she's outside right now thinking this whole Europe thing's a good idea.
- You really think so? - Yeah, I know so.
- How is he? - He'll be all right.
- I already got my sense of humour back.
- Good man.
Sam, you were really bothered by this news? I just used Sam as a cover.
It was me.
I was hurt that your reaction to my Europe news was half-hearted.
Well, I've had a little time to think about it now.
And I want you to know that Europe sounds wonderful.
I can't imagine a more romantic place or a more appropriate person with whom to share it.
That's wonderful.
Sam said you'd come around.
Lucky guess.
Dear, may I have a moment alone with Sam? Certainly.
I'm late for my session as it is.
Bye-bye, Sam.
How I hate you.
I'd love to smack that smug look off your face.
You're pretending not to care because you believe that Europe will be the death-knell for my relationship with Frasier Crane.
Either because I won't go at all or because the stress of travelling together for six months will break us up.
- Right? - Listen to me.
I'm sincere about this.
I like you two.
And I want to see you both happy.
Thank you, Sam.
After all, just because us two didn't travel well - When did we ever travel? - Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
Well, it helped that you knew the language.
What are you looking for? A sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.
I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.
Listen up.
I have an announcement to make.
Diane here is leaving for Europe and she's not going to be back ever.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows.
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows.
You know, Sam, I got to tell you.
I can't see Diane going off with Doc like that.
I always figured that you and her would get married, you know? - Come on, Coach.
- I'm not kidding.
I pictured you moving to a little home in the country with a rose garden out front and a nice little room in the back for me.
Every Sunday night Diane would make us a fried chicken dinner and we'd sit on the porch and listen to the ball game.
I'd bounce your kids on my knee God, it was going to be a happy house.
I guess that's going to be Frasier's house now.
Well, you can come by any time, Sam.
But call first.
- Let's get out of here.
It's late.
- Time to go for the night.
Good night, guys.
- Later, Sammy.
- See you.
I'm not a sentimental guy, you know.
I'd like you to have a good safe trip.
You big monkey, don't you ever be ashamed of your tender side.
Goodbye, Diane.
Goodbye, Clifford.
Come on, you two.
I'm waiting for a kiss.
Well she is leaving.
Did you see the look on her face? I was more worried about the look on your face.
Well, Diane.
I'm not going to pretend that you're my favourite person in the world.
But now that it's all over I guess I wish you a happy life.
Thank you.
And I thought I'd do you a favour, so I wrote down a helpful phrase in Italian.
You carry that with you wherever you go.
It means, "Excuse me, Mr Pharmacist.
Where do you keep the peroxide?" Meet you at the car, Coach.
- I'm going to miss you.
- I'm going to miss you, too.
Thank you for coming back.
Will he be OK? - Well, I hope so.
- Coach, do me a favour.
- Sure.
- Stand by him.
Come back.
Instead of standing by him, why don't you just sort of - watch over him? - Of course.
Bye, sweetheart.
- We haven't been alone for a long time.
- No.
- Funny how things change, isn't it? - Yes.
I still remember the first time I came in here.
What a prissy little snot I was.
Who would have thought it could get worse? Listen to me.
We both realise that a lot of things can happen when you leave like this.
Who knows when we'll see each other again? - Do me a favour.
- What's that, Sam? I've been a real jerk to you sometimes.
But I'd appreciate it if, when you think of me, you remember me as a decent person.
Of course.
I'll remember you as Albert Schweitzer.
I'd like that.
Thank you.
I'm so glad it's ending this way.
After the wrath and acrimony of our breakup.
I thought I'd never see you come in here again.
- Do you know why I came back? - Sure.
Cos you're a woman and I'm Sammy.
Actually, it was because I was concerned about you.
Your drinking and your health.
Well thank you.
Because it did make a difference.
Who would have thought that we'd ever be standing here as friends? - We are friends, aren't we? - Good friends.
Well, I'm off.
Let me give my friend a goodbye hug.
Come on.
Get over here.
What? This really may be the last time we see each other.
Goodbye, pal.
Goodbye, buddy.
Bye, amigo.
Goodbye, mon ami.
Goodbye, compadre.
Well, that's that.
- I'll be off.
- Yeah, you take care of yourself.
You too, Sam.
- Sam? - Yeah, chum? I'm going to count to three and then we'll stop.
You got it.
Which leads us to three.
Well, that wasn't so hard, was it? I think we just counted to three.
You have a nice safe trip.
Thank you.
How could we have ever denied ourselves for so long? Come on.
- Let's go back to my place.
- Come on, Sam.
Let's go back to your place.
We have to make up for a lot of lost time.
- Sam, wait.
- What? I knew you couldn't be spontaneous.
I knew you'd over-analyse this.
What is it? I was just going to say I almost forgot my purse.
Well, let me get that for you, sweetheart.
- What did you think I was going to say? - That was it.
- What did you think I was going to say? - I don't know.
I thought you were going to say, "Is this just for tonight "or are we going to start this whole thing over again?" - I wasn't going to say that.
- Bless you.
- But now that you've brought it up - Damn.
I didn't bring it up, I was just saying that as an example of something we'd never say.
No, Sam, I'm glad you said it.
What exactly is it you have in mind? Is it a beginning or an ending? Hello or goodbye? One night of passion or something that will last beyond tomorrow? This conversation will last beyond tomorrow.
Just a minute ago we were hot for each other.
I wasn't hot.
I was insane.
I was insane.
I was about to abandon the most brilliant, sensitive man I ever met for one with the morals of a rutting sea-elephant and the intelligence of lint.
Let's just stop right there before we start insulting each other.
Good idea, Sam.
Maybe Frasier can give you an iron-clad guarantee of a lifetime of security.
But with me it's a day at a time.
Now if you can live with that call.
Last I saw, you and Diane were here alone.
Did you give her a goodbye boink? Your language.
I haven't heard you talk like that in a long time.
I know, but this morning after mass the priest said that he didn't think that Diane's going to Bologna constituted a true miracle.
I told him I had witnesses.
He said he wouldn't even take it to the bishop.
To answer your question Nothing happened between me and Diane.
She wanted to, but you know.
- You OK? - I'm fine.
No, sorry, Diane's not here.
Oh, you're Diane? Then you're definitely not here.
No, he's right here.
Sam, it's Diane.
I was hoping you'd call.
I'm in a hotel room in London, Sam.
Hold on one second.
Frasier and I are stopping over on our way to Italy.
So why are you calling? Well, I'm calling because I've had some time to think about last night.
We both had a moment of weakness and I'm glad we didn't give in to it.
But I hope we're still friends.
I don't think we're friends, Diane.
We failed as lovers.
If we're not friends, what have we been these past months? We've been kidding ourselves.
- Goodbye, Diane.
- Wait.
Sam? Nothing.
Before you hang up here They got postcards in Europe? I'm almost sure of it.
Maybe if you think of it you can send me one.
Write small.
You know how I like to read in between the lines.
- I'll try.
- That'd be nice.
Thank you, Sam.
Goodbye, Diane.