Cheers s04e09 Episode Script

From Beer to Eternity

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Buon giorno, Norm.
- Kind of bright out there today, huh? - Yeah, I wouldn't know.
I feel sorry for all those people that have to squint.
Say, Cliff, those wouldn't be new glasses, would they? Oh, hey, you noticed, huh? Yeah, ltalian imports.
Sixty-five smack-a-roonies.
That's right.
Notice the sleek, European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames, and the hi-tech, shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without drawing attention to myself.
You could walk up to them naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Yeah? What would you know? They only work on women.
You! They seem to have given you courage.
- Prove it.
- Well, what do you mean? Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing a little demonstration myself.
- So - All right, all right.
All right.
All right! You've got the shades.
What are you worrying about? Excuse me.
Oh, perfect! Thanks.
Well, I don't care what anybody says, we had better chatter out there.
Shut up, Cliff.
Sounds suspiciously as if there is no joy in Mudville.
Who gives a damn? We lost.
We didn't lose.
We got dumped on.
We were dragged by our noses through the dung heap.
They ripped out our guts, held them up for us to see, and then they rammed them down our throats.
It's a grand old game.
Damn! Now I know why they weren't afraid to let me play.
They were great out there.
They were like the '27 Yankees.
He's exaggerating.
There were only nine of them.
Come on, guys.
We can't just sit around crying in our beer here.
- Norman's right.
- We don't have any.
Come on, Diane, step on it, will you.
I feel a tear welling up here.
What the hell? First round on the house.
Hey, Sammy! Yeah, well, if you think I'm drinking with you guys, you're nuts! I'd rather drink with those snail pellets from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
- At least they're winners.
- That really hurts, Carla.
Hey, really, I don't think we played so bad, you know.
- Listen to Mr Gold Glove over here.
- Come on! Yeah? You drew more flies than bad liver.
Oh, give me a break! The only thing more amazing than that was you dropped every one of them.
Come on, will you.
I just have a little problem with balls hit directly at me.
The I think it's probably the sun, you know, or that I can't bend over.
Poor Norman.
Well, at least some of us looked good out there, huh? Yeah, Cliff, the less of your face showing, the better.
Oh, listen to yourselves.
You're letting a minor setback in some trivial competition ruin what is an otherwise lovely day.
Forget it, Sam.
You just don't get it, do you? It's not just that the guys from Gary's beat us at basketball, volleyball, darts and every other sport known to mankind.
It's more than that.
I'm a jock.
This is a jock bar, but if we keep losing, all the jocks are gonna say, "Hey, Cheers is for losers.
Let's go drink over at Gary's.
" Oh, they'll never say that.
They'll say, "Me no like Cheers.
Let's go to Gary's.
" Gentlemen of Cheers.
And ladies.
- Tough game out there today.
- What are you doing here? Boy, you guys have the worst luck.
Yeah, it looks like it just followed us home, huh? Listen, we were over having a celebration at my little tavern and I kept thinking, "Something's missing.
" It wasn't as happy as it usually is when we beat you.
And then I realized what it was.
I didn't get a chance to thank you guys for the game.
So I came over here to do it now.
Way to go.
The pop-up king.
Many thanks.
Great glasses.
This is what I was afraid of.
Hard feelings.
What are you talking about? You guys have nothing to hang your heads about.
You played hard.
You played clean.
You gave it your all.
Just remember, it takes two sides to make a victory.
One side to win and you guys.
Excuse me, but you've obviously come here to belittle my friends.
Why? I can only speculate.
Perhaps you're compensating for some physical shortcoming.
I don't know.
But it's tragic that you place such stock in a silly competition.
What of higher attainments? What of loftier pursuits? What of art? And philosophy? What of music? I graduated magna cum laude in American Literature from Princeton.
Oh? Couldn't make summa? Hey, look, Gar.
You only came here to rub our noses in it.
You've done a great job.
Mission accomplished.
Now why don't you take off.
- Yeah, take a hike.
- Sam, I came here in the spirit of sportsmanship.
I'll show you sportsmanship.
People! People! This is neither the time nor the place for such childish behaviour.
Yeah, let's save it for when we kick his butt.
In what? We're kind of running out of sports, aren't we? Well, it's really been a truly enjoyable afternoon.
Gentlemen, ladies.
- See you.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Listen, I'll have you know that I'm putting together a team right this moment, that's gonna have you shaking in those shoes of yours.
Hey, those are nice.
Well, thanks.
And is that a challenge? - Yeah.
- In what sport? I'll tell you in what sport.
In - Bowling.
- Yeah, bowling.
Great! I've knocked down a pin or two in my day.
- When and where? - Well, I'll just let you know.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay! - Okay! - Okay! - Okay! - Okay! Bowling? Don't worry.
I got this theory, Sam.
You see, all of those other sports required real athletic ability, but with bowling, we got the makings of a great team! - Oh, Carla, l - Oh, listen, listen! You go to any bowling alley, what do you see? A bunch of out-of-shape couch potatoes who do nothing but sit around and swill beer.
All right, we're number one! Back so soon from the sport of the great unwashed? How was the audition? Tryout.
Diane, in sports, it's called a tryout.
- We got a team.
- Yeah, of what, I'd like to know.
I'm gonna call Gary and call it off.
I'm telling you, when one lousy bar can't produce four decent bowlers, it's time for America to take a long, hard look at itself.
Hey, you! You don't know anything about bowling, do you? Hey, Woodhead I asked you if you know how to bowl.
You have bowled, haven't you? - Yes.
- When? - When? - Before.
- Before what? - Before I came to Cheers.
You're good, aren't you? I won a couple trophies.
Sam, Sam, don't-- Don't call it off! What? What? Hold on a second.
- We got a ringer.
- Got a what? We got a ringer.
Woody is a bowling machine.
Trust me.
He's got a room full of trophies.
Hey, Gar.
No, we're not wimping out.
Yeah, tomorrow.
Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.
We rumble.
Okay! Okay! - All right, Woody! - Woody! Please don't ask me to bowl.
I can't.
Why not? The tragedy.
- Well, what tragedy? - What tragedy? Once I maimed a man in a bowling accident.
I'll never bowl again as long as I live.
Great idea, Sam.
Okay, it's time to go.
Let's see if we can, you know, maybe somehow manage not to embarrass ourselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, Knute Rockne.
Come on, let's go.
I wanna warm up.
Hold on a second, guys.
Say, Woody, it's still not too late to change your mind.
Don't you understand? I maimed a man.
Bowling accidents happen.
You read about them in the paper all the time.
He was only an innocent maintenance man.
Come on, man.
He knew the risks.
I still don't know what happened.
One minute, I was picking up the eight-ten split, and the next thing I know, the ten pin flies and hits old Sully right between the eyes and he goes down like a sack of wheat.
Sam, I ruined the man's life.
I'm sure you're exaggerating.
Oh, no.
No, I'm not.
Old Sully got too dim-witted to stay in bowling maintenance.
Last I heard, he was a clown at children's birthday parties.
- Well, what's wrong with that? - He wasn't invited to them.
Come on, Woody.
Listen, man, I've never begged for anything in my life that I actually enjoyed once I got it.
Come on.
Come on, join the team here.
We need you, Woody.
Come on.
I can't! Since the accident, I haven't been able to set foot in a bowling alley.
Well, why don't you just try it today.
Maybe the memory's faded.
- You don't understand what's at stake.
- Can't you hear me? No! Sammy, I'll take a crack at him here.
Listen to me, all right? Now, every once in a while you just gotta look beyond yourself, okay? And think about the team.
Like my old high school football coach used to always say: "Give the ball to Peterson.
He'll know what to do with it.
" Well, hey, I didn't want that responsibility, but for the good of the team, you understand, I took it.
We went ahead and we had a great season.
- Were you the fullback? - No, I was the equipment manager.
- But that's not my point.
- Oh, come on, Norm.
You're wasting your breath.
He ain't bowling.
All right, think about that, Woody.
Go team! Yeah! Not too shabby.
Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! - Old Towne Tavern! - Quiet, you guys.
Let's show our worthy opponent a little courtesy.
Back off, buster, or I'll put Vaseline in your finger holes.
Just try to touch my ball.
I'm talking about your nose.
- Choke on it! - Choke on it! You got the cheering under control.
I'll mosey up to the bar for a beer.
- You're gonna miss the game, Norm.
- Then that's a perfect plan, huh? Hey, Cliffie, how're we doing here? Fifty pins down, sinking like a stone, Sammy.
Norm! How the hell they know him here? He's got a life, you know.
That's all right, man.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey, Tawny, has anyone ever told you you make even bowling shoes look sexy? Don't you ever stop? You're fraternizing with the enemy.
No, I'm just trying to distract her here so she won't know what to do.
A little wink, a sexy nod, and a glimpse of these taut athletic buns.
Oh, wait a second here, Tawny.
Oh, what's this? I think your butt needs a tune-up.
- Sam.
- Hey, what're you doing here? I'm here as a driver only, but I brought someone with me who'd like to bowl.
- Woody! - Woody! Hey, time out, Gary.
- Who's taking care of the bar here? - Oh, don't worry.
We closed it.
We would have been here sooner, but it took a while to get those people out.
Oh, well, great.
All right, go get some shoes on here.
Woody! - What made him change his mind? - I don't know.
He was right in the middle of doing something and he said, "l can't let the guys down.
Let's go.
" Hey, Woody! How are we gonna do this? We've already started here.
Cliff, what about your wrist injury? - What injury? - Don't make me hurt you.
Easy, easy.
Gary, we're gonna need an injury substitution here.
Hey, you got it.
The one thing I've never been called is unfair.
I can believe that's the one thing you've never been called.
All right, I'm gonna go fire Woody up here.
The alleys.
It's really a sensory experience, you know.
The scent of Aqua Net on a beehive hairdo.
The roar of polyester against old Naugahyde.
The sight of a cigarette stubbed out in a patty melt.
All this, plus the anticipation of placing your feet in shoes only 7,000 others have worn before you.
Woody! Yeah! All right! Let's go! Listen, if this is gonna be tough on you, I want you to know that you don't have to do this.
No, I want to, Sam.
You're absolutely sure? Oh, I'm sure.
You all have been like family to me.
I love you guys.
Okay, all right, Woody.
- Watch this, Gar.
- Yeah.
If you're having second thoughts, that's okay, pal.
No, no, I want to do this.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- All right.
All right.
- Woody? - I wanna do this, Sam.
Remember, I love you guys.
I'm ready, Sam.
It's okay, Woody.
I'm gonna bowl.
I don't know what I was worried about.
This is easy.
Those guys are dead meat.
You know what I'm saying, Sam? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! - Hey, nice game, Sam.
- Oh, get out of here.
We said two out of three, and we're taking you to the wall.
That's right! All right, all of you in favour of saving what shred of dignity we have left and sneaking out of here, raise your hands.
That's one Hey, how come you voted? You're not even playing.
I thought we were ordering pizza.
Sam, we can't quit.
Listen, Sam, maybe we can sweeten the pot a little.
- Get out of here, will you.
- No, no, no.
If you guys win, I'll set you up with Tawny.
Maybe we can talk.
And if we win, you set me up with the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi.
Excuse me.
I didn't date Sigma Chis.
I was Phi Epsilon Delta.
You girls had quite a reputation.
Yes, for academic achievement.
Is that what it was? Tell me, isn't it true that Phi Epsilon is Greek for "Hi, sailor"? Give me your shoes.
Give me your shoes.
- Oh, Diane, are you bowling? - Yes.
- Come on.
Well, are you any good? - Yes.
And if you whisper a word of this to anyone who matters, I'll find you and I'll kill you.
Did you think I came by my utter contempt for the sport by accident? Hardly.
I took it in college.
- You bowled in college? - Yes.
I needed the PE credits.
I could read between frames, and you didn't have to run.
I spent six semesters sweating in a tawdry bowling alley.
Bowlers don't sweat.
They do when they're wearing tweed.
In spite of my complete disdain for the experience, I have no intention of letting this lvy League lounge lizard insult me and my sorority sisters and send Cheers to ignominious defeat.
Your mama! Chambers! Chambers! Chambers! Chambers! Chambers! - Chambers! Chambers! - Thank you! Thank you! Now put me down! I'm afraid of heights, and someone has very cold hands.
Okay, everybody, line up.
I'm pouring beers.
I gotta hand it to you, Whitey.
For once, you did something that didn't make me wanna shove a rat in your mouth and sew your lips shut.
Such praise.
I blush.
- Congratulations, Sam.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Continue celebrating.
Huzzah, huzzah.
- It was a great win, wasn't it, Sam? - Yeah, it was.
- Thanks to you.
- Oh, don't thank me.
I've been amply rewarded just seeing how well you're taking this.
The old Sam Malone would have died before letting a woman salvage his athletic pride.
- You've grown.
- You know something? I think I have.
Oh, by the way.
Tawny wasn't the only one looking sexy out there in bowling shoes.
Well, thank you.
No, oh, no, no.
I was talking about me.
You know, I'm surprised you didn't mention something.
No, seriously, seriously.
Great form out there.
- Thank you.
- No, no, I was still talking about me.
All right, all jokes aside here, thank you very much for helping me beat Gary.
Well, I was getting tired of listening to some ignorant blowhard take himself and some stupid competition so seriously.
Boy, he really does that, doesn't he? No, I was talking about you.