Cheers s04e14 Episode Script


Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody, let me have a C.
, rocks Something with a twist and whatever else table ten was drinking.
Boy, your batteries are running low there, Carla.
I got two sick kids, kept me up half the night.
The neighbour's dog went into heat at 5:00 this morning.
And I am in the middle of a double shift here.
Well, on the bright side, you look like hell.
Oh, dear.
I think this calls for drastic measures.
- G-6? - Yeah.
Oh, no.
Not G-6.
And leave it off.
Good lord, Sam, have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours? No, I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there.
Another $2.
50 down the drain.
Oh, the big bottle.
Look, The Three Musketeers is coming on in ten minutes.
- All right.
- Oh, good for you two.
Excellent choice.
Of course, there's no substitution for the Dumas père novel.
But all in all it wasn't a bad translation into film.
You better believe it.
I love all that duelling.
Yeah, and the best part is when Curly backs into that guard's sword and makes that "boing" sound.
What makes me think we're not talking about the same film? - She probably likes Shemp.
- Right.
Is it possible that occasionally you people might spend an afternoon doing something that actually involves intelligent thought? - Like what? - I can't conceive.
And we can all breathe a sigh of relief for that.
Actually, just observing people can be very interesting.
Don't you ever make up little stories about the people you see in the bar? Nope.
Well, for example, this couple over here.
What's their story? That's a guy and a girl having a drink.
Come on, you can do better than that.
Just use a little imagination.
Okay, that's a guy and a naked girl having a drink.
That's funny, right? No kidding, fellas.
That was really nifty.
I appreciate you taking me.
Where did they take you, Woody? Well, we watched the Greater Boston Women's 1 0K run.
I should've known.
No, now wait a minute.
Hold on there, Diane.
We happen to think it's inspiring to watch a bunch of women excel in a sport from which only until recently they've been barred from competing.
Well, I'm sorry, Clifford.
I guess I misjudged you.
Besides, there wasn't a bra on the field.
It was an awfully chilly morning, if you know what I mean.
More coffee for Chuckles.
Who? That guy over there.
Haven't you noticed him? He's been sitting there for a couple hours drinking coffee and staring at us.
So, what's the problem? I'll tell you what's the problem.
He doesn't smile.
He doesn't talk.
He looks at me like I'm not there.
You'd think I'd slept with him or something.
So what? He's not bothering anyone.
He's bothering me.
He gives me the creeps.
See that? He's writing something down.
- Now, what do you think he's up to? - Come on.
For all we know, he's writing down a shopping list.
Well, here's the perfect chance for us to play our little game.
Oh, yeah? What game's that? Well, we were just fantasizing about customers in the bar, making up little stories about them.
Two beers, Woody.
Well, he's probably a writer or a poet or something.
Oh, that's very good.
What do you think he's writing, Woody? Well, I hope he's not writing about a boy and his dog who roam through the countryside doing good deeds and drinking beer.
Why? Because that's the story I'm writing.
He's still looking at us.
So, what's the big deal? As long as he's minding his own business.
That's just it, Sam.
He's not minding his own business.
It's like he's spying on us.
See that? He just wrote something else down.
There's an easy way to figure out what he's up to.
- Somebody just go ask him.
- Oh, let me.
All right.
I'm from the Midwest, and we have kind of a down-home charm that makes people kind of open up to us.
I'm Woody Boyd from Hanover, lndiana.
That's the place mat capitol of the world.
My mother's name's Margaret and my father's name's Edgel.
My favourite colour is blue and I've saved all my baby teeth.
How about you? Go away.
What'd you find out? I've lived kind of a dull life.
Look, what's he doing now? I'd say he's fixing a cigarette lighter of some sort.
Perhaps to the terminally naive.
Those of us in the know can spot a highly sensitive Rolleiflex espionage camera.
Yeah, look, he's taking pictures of us right now.
Oh, come on, man.
Just because he looks like a spy and acts like a spy, it doesn't mean he is a spy, does it? I think it pretty much does, Sam.
Well, it certainly isn't unheard of for an individual to come under some sort of surveillance.
As soon as you get into a computer hundreds of organizations have information about every aspect of your personal life.
- Wow, really? - Yes.
In fact, you could be bugged right now.
Well, now that you mention it, I am a little ticked, but I guess You don't suppose this guy's with, like, the ClA - or FBl or anything, do you? - Could be.
Or he may be All right, I'll say it.
He may be with the KGB.
Come to think of it, this guy does kind of have a detective look about him.
All right, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs.
Actually, that's only three.
Anybody else know anything? You're an idiot.
That would be four then.
You know, if he's a detective, he's obviously after one of us.
If it was anyone else, he would've followed them right out the door.
We're the only ones who have been here the whole time he has.
Look, I got an idea.
I'm gonna go call him on the phone and distract him.
Cliff, you go see what he's been writing about us, and don't get caught.
Oh, no, don't worry about that.
Even if he does, he won't get anything out of me.
You don't know anything.
Yeah, who may--? Who may I say is calling? Excuse me, sir, phone for you.
- Who is it? - They didn't say.
Take a number.
Oh, they hung up.
Probably call back.
He didn't even take a phone call.
This is getting weird.
All right.
Look, we gotta go to some private place and have a huddle.
All right, how about my office.
Sam, aren't you forgetting about your cologne? Come on, would you? It's had all day to wear off.
We'll give it a few more minutes.
The ladies' room.
He's never gonna walk in on us there.
Don't you think that'll look a little weird? Well, not if we go in one at a time so he doesn't notice.
Woody, cover the bar.
I think we could've spaced it out a little better.
Okay, if anybody here knows any reason why their personal conduct should be coming under investigation, I hope they have enough hormones to step forward and say so.
I'll bet it's Woody.
Come on, man.
That's crazy.
Why, Sam? The fact that he's not here to defend himself makes him the perfect choice.
Well, yeah, there's that.
But, also Well, what do we know about Woody, huh? I mean, he comes in here off the street out of nowhere.
Sam gives him a job.
No résumé, no nothing, huh? For all we know, he could be in cahoots with that guy.
I say Woody's a plant.
Only from the neck up.
Come on, Cliff.
Think about it.
Woody? I mean, you're a little off base here, pal.
- Oh, am l? - Yeah.
Well, he just might've infiltrated the bar to keep tabs on you, Norm.
Me? What for? Oh, he's just saying you hypothetically.
- Well.
- Not really.
What's that supposed to mean, Cliff? Think I'm some sort of crooked accountant, is that it? No, no, no, Norm.
I'm just postulating the possibility there that the lRS might think your accounting's a little creative.
Oh, yeah? Creative, huh? I say the guy might be a postal investigator, Cliff.
You haven't bought a stamp since the Johnson administration.
And I'm talking about Andrew, pal.
Andrew Johnson.
Take that back right now.
I've been a postman for 1 1 years.
- Relax.
Take it easy.
- Oh, sure, relax.
From Mr Love-Them-and-Leave-Them here.
For all we know, he's sniffing out a paternity suit on you.
Oh, come on.
I think we might be getting a little carried away.
And this from the woman who toured Europe on her back.
That's it.
That's it! The guy's upsetting my customers and my business.
I'm gonna go find out what he's doing.
I know.
I know.
You guys are trying to talk me out of making those charitable contributions, but somebody's gotta do it.
Hey, buddy Listen, what's your story here? - You come in here and you-- - Sam.
He's a friend of mine.
- You know this guy? - Yes.
Thank you, lrving.
You may leave now.
- Sure.
See you in class.
- Okay.
We went zooey over a guy named lrving? He's a member of my psychology class.
He's assisting me in a little experiment about paranoia.
What do you mean, "experiment"? Well, the idea was to introduce a foreign element into an established, secure environment in order to observe the ensuing behaviour.
I, for one, found it extremely interesting and highly educational.
Didn't all of you find it extremely interesting and highly educational? Anybody? Oh, come on.
Don't get mad.
It's silly to get mad.
Diane, we don't get mad.
Pardon me, Diane.
Excuse me, is there anything on my back, like a "kick me" sign? - No.
- Thank you.
For several days I've been expecting the people here to get back at me for something I did.
I brought a man in Wait a minute.
Why are you so curious? Just do your crossword and mind your own beeswax.
Oh, hey, Miss Chambers.
I stopped into the bakery on the way in to work and I got some muffins.
Would you like one? Oh, here it is.
Muffins? Yeah, blueberry or bran.
Which one do you want? Which one do you want, Woody? I'll take the blueberry, I think.
No, no.
I'll take the blueberry.
It's okay with you that I take the blueberry? Then I want the bran.
Sure, Miss Chambers.
Enjoy it.
I just love the feel of warm muffins in the morning.
You a little nervous or something? Me, nervous? I'm not nervous.
I'm not a bit nervous.
I'm positively placid.
- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, Frasier.
Thank God you're here.
What took you so long? I came as soon as I got your message.
- Well, I called your office hours ago.
- Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.
Well, if I'd known you were out of town I would never have expected you to come here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't be silly.
Listen, I was fed up with Denver anyway.
Breathtaking mountains, wide-open spaces, that hauntingly beautiful woman that kept coming onto me in the ski lodge.
Oh, good.
Well, as long as you're here, I wanna talk with you.
Woody, there's a little bit under that chair.
Diane, I've dreamed of this day.
Oh, Frasier.
I hope you didn't misinterpret my message as a wish to rekindle our romance.
No, of course not.
This is Tuesday, right? When I said I dreamed of this day, I meant I dreamt of Tuesday.
Listen, I am very proud of the fact that I am completely over you.
Now, what is it? Well, the other day I was conducting an experiment for my Behavioural Sciences Colloquium.
- I brought a man in.
- Man.
What man? A classmate.
Oh, never mind.
The point is that I played this harmless trick on them, and now they're going to get back at me.
At first I approached it with my usual good humour, but now I find I'm obsessed.
I need your help.
Well, I think one or two sessions should clear it up.
Oh, Frasier, I don't want counselling.
I want you to spy on them.
Get close to them.
Find out what heinous revenge they have planned--! Diane, look at yourself.
No wonder you're such easy fodder for their little pranks.
Look, the problem is you take everything so seriously.
Take it from me, who used to do the same thing, it's not worth it.
I'm much happier now that I let things bounce off of me.
Now that I'm happy-go-lucky Frasier Crane.
Frasier, you're right.
I do take things too seriously.
I need to lighten up a little.
Now that we've taken care of that, do you think there's any chance that you'll ever love me again before I lie mouldering in the grave? Oh, I'm joking, of course.
It's just another example of my devil-may-care attitude.
Well, you've been a big help.
Thank you.
Diane, there's somebody here who wants to talk to you.
- Yes? - Miss Chambers, I'm Martin Gallagher, WLBD, public broadcasting.
One of your professors at the university sent us some of your poetry.
And we thought you'd make a wonderful guest for our program, Boston's Working Poets.
- Really? - Yes.
- You want me to appear on television? - Yes.
- Well, I'm honoured.
- Well, you should be.
- lsn't that great? - Oh, yes, it's really unbelievable.
Why don't you tell me a bit more about your show.
Well, the concept is part-time poets in their working habitat reading their own verse.
- Won't that be exciting? - Why, yes.
Little old me on television.
My, my, my.
- Well, when do we get started? - Well, would right now be all right? Your Mr.
Malone has kindly offered his poolroom.
Well, wasn't that nice of him? I guess right now would be perfect, wouldn't it? - Well, good.
- Let me show you where to set up.
So nice of you to drop by Cheers where I serve the public many beers.
This is it.
Are you sure? I doubt if the collective intelligence of them could devise this complicated a ruse.
I'm absolutely sure.
They expect me to give a sensitive rendition of my poetry.
And then at some future date they'll play it back while they swill beer and throw spitwads at the screen and make unpleasant animal noises.
Well, I'm not going to fall for it.
- I have a little surprise for them.
- Now, that's the spirit.
Oh, Diane, what a couple we'd have made.
Two irrepressible zanies.
Wow, Miss Chambers, what kind of poetry are you gonna recite? You too, Woody.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I've heard that before.
- We're ready for you, Miss Chambers.
- Yes, I'm sure you are.
- And I'm ready for you.
- Good.
You just stand over here.
Aren't you going to give me a clever introduction? Oh, we'll dub that in later.
- Oh, why didn't I think of that? - And roll camera.
As soon as you're ready, Miss Chambers, just begin.
Well, I would like to begin with one of my favourites, and I hope you'll like it too.
It's called "Ode to a Cornish Hen.
" Sam, if you have an ounce of humanity, turn that off.
What did you think you were doing up there? - I didn't think it was a real show.
- Are you kidding me? I mean, who would make up something that boring? Well, I thought you did.
I thought it was a joke.
I figured that you set it up to get back at me because of my psychology experiment.
What a great joke.
I wish we had thought of that.
I can't think of it now.
I made an absolute ass of myself.
Oh, come on, Diane.
Lighten up.
It wasn't that bad.
It really wasn't.
Heck, no.
I've known chickens who can't do that as well as you.
Hey, hey, come on.
It's no big deal.
Nobody watches that stuff.
It's not just the show.
After I filmed that thing, I felt kind of good thinking that you guys had gone to all that trouble to get back at me like you would with each other.
And I was thinking of myself as one of the gang, and now I don't know whether I'm more disappointed at that awful display on television or the fact that you still think of me as an outsider.
Oh, boy.
I'm sorry if I don't know what to say Go into my place, lie down.
Take as much time as you want.
- Feel better.
- Thank you, Sam.
I love you guys!