Cheers s05e09 Episode Script

Thanksgiving Orphans

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Sam! Hey, Woody.
Is it all right if I hang some Christmas decorations in here? Sure.
Boy, is it that time again? Wow, Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it? I think if you check, Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.
Of course, of course, of course.
Thank you, Woody, thank you.
Oh, look at that, will ya? Nice Rudolph.
I made him myself.
No kidding? You know, uh, Rudolph is my favorite guy in the Christmas songs.
You know, apparently then, Woody, you're unaware that the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is one of the most unrealistic, and therefore potentially damaging in all of children's music.
It gives them a horribly distorted view of reality.
Yeah, but you gotta admit, it's easy to whistle.
Look, I'm serious.
You know, first the other reindeer tease and then ostracize him.
And then when his abnormality proves of service, they use him.
But then do they allow him to play in their stupid reindeer games? BOTH: Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, I know how the song goes.
In fact, not only do Donner, Blitzen, et al, not love him and laugh out with glee, but they doubly despise the bulbous-nosed little wimp.
Well, I gotta be off.
(cheerful): Happy Holidays! (piano plays) Making your way in the world today ♪ Takes everything you've got ♪ ♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪ Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Prithee, friends, what thinkst thou? You look ridiculous.
I beg your pardon.
This is an absolutely authentic example of feminine colonial headwear.
I'm sorry.
Thou lookest ridiculous.
Hey, Miss Chambers, what's the pilgrim get-up for? Oh, I was hoping somebody might ask.
We're gonna have to talk later, Woody.
My graduate American Literature professor, Doctor Narsutis, annually recreates the first Thanksgiving dinner at his home.
He only invites two or three favored students to break bread with his family and other honored guests such as William Styron.
And guess who's going to be there? William Styron? Yes, Woody.
Ah, heck, anybody coulda got it if they'd really been listening.
What a wonderful opportunity for you, Diane.
You know, perhaps in the evening you can establish a rapport with Mr.
Styron while passing the yams.
Who knows? Come pie time, he may well have taken you under his wing and launched you into the literary galaxy.
Frasier, you and I are of like mind.
Except one of us is kidding.
Sam, I had thought we would spend the holidays together, but when you made no move in that direction, I made these alternate plans.
I hope it won't spoil your holiday.
Thank you.
No, I, I have, I have other plans.
Oh, good.
I'm glad to hear that.
And in all fairness, I will understand if you get an escort for the day.
It really wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest.
Good, good, 'cause I already have a date with Wendy.
How could you? Now you just said that it was okay, didn't you? Yes.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Thank you.
Besides, I know that we'll have many holidays together when you and I are one.
You already are one, Diane.
So, what's everybody else doing? Oh, the holidays just kind of snuck up NORM: My mother-in-law Yeah, that sounds like fun, too.
Well, I'm on my own this year.
Kids aren't with ya? Nah.
They're in Atlantic City with Nick.
Yeah, this is my first Thanksgiving away from home.
I mean, unless you count last year.
Wait a second.
Listen to you.
Carla, you have a new place.
You could have a little gathering.
Forget it.
Oh, come on.
What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer? Opening yours with a can opener? That sounds great! No, I meant the first part, Miss Chambers.
Well, why not? But it's gonna have to be potluck.
Sammy, why don't you bring your date and join us? All right.
Tell you what, Carla.
I'm good for dessert.
So I've been told.
You know, I'm glad to see that you're all fending off the holiday blues.
This time of year is filled with arguments, suicides, murders.
Yeah, I guess it's the seasonal happiness of others tends to throw a glaring light on the flaws in our own interpersonal relationships.
But see, of course, that's no problem for me.
I'm alone.
Wanna join us for some bird, Frasier? Could I? Sure.
The more the merrier.
Hey, so, uh, what time do you want us there, Carla? What do you mean "us," Clavin? Well, you know This party is for lonelies, not homelies.
Besides, you'll be with your mother.
No, no, not this year.
Uh, she's goin' down and ladle out some cream of something to the folks down at the Rescue Mission.
Oh, how sweet.
Why don't you join her? Are you kiddin'? I did my part this year.
I was in "Hands Across America," remember? Oh.
All right.
Norm, how about you and Vera? Yeah? No, I can't make it this year.
Why not? I mean, we never even met Vera.
CARLA: Yeah.
No, we gotta go to Vera's mother's.
Such a drag.
No beer, no TV, heat turned up to 80.
CLIFF: That's all right, Normie, you know.
You gotta do what your little wifey wants you to do.
You either got 'em or you don't.
All right.
You know somethin', Cliff, you're absolutely right.
Eight years I've been goin' to that old bat's house.
I think Vera owes me one, all right? I'm gonna march into that house.
I'm just gonna say, "Vera, this year we're goin' to Carla's for Thanksgiving.
That's the last I wanna hear on the subject.
" All right! Good for you, Norm.
Okay, Norm's out.
Just count me in, all right? You'll see.
Well, my house, noonish? WOODY: Oh, this is gonna be the greatest, huh? SAM: All right.
Well, I'm so relieved.
Now I don't have to worry about my poor little Thanksgiving orphans whilst I sup with the literati.
Boy, you know, I don't know who's luckier.
You, 'cause you get to go to that great party, or us 'cause you get to go to that great party.
Taken down at the 40.
And there's the gun ending the first half.
Yeah, this is just like bein' back home.
Yeah, hey, uh, Carla, look, I, uh, I really wanna tell ya how much I appreciate you, uh, invitin' me over here.
Don't mention it.
I, uh, really appreciate it.
No, I mean, don't ever mention to anyone that I let you in this house.
May I change the channel or are you guys watching this halftime salute to our fabulous universe? No, go ahead.
Oh, the parade.
And who's this flying our way? None other than a 60-foot Mighty Mouse.
All right, Mighty Mouse! (doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Where's Vera? She's, uh, she's gonna put on a little more makeup.
That, uh, first coat didn't really take.
She is comin', isn't she? Well, uh, maybe.
Well, what're you sayin' there, Normie? We had the worst fight of our marriage.
Oh, it's tough.
She knew how much this meant to me and she still insisted on goin' to her mother's.
So I told her, "Look, I'm goin' to Carla's.
"You wanna meet me there, fine.
"If you want to go to your mother's, you can just stay there.
" CLIFF: Brutal.
Well, you know, Norm, I don't think you should worry about it.
She'll probably come to her senses and show up.
The important thing is that you're here with us now.
This is gonna be the best Thanksgiving ever.
All right, Woody.
You know, I brought that turkey and, uh Mr.
, that turkey seems kinda big and raw.
You think it's gonna be ready in time for dinner? Well, I had planned on just a bit more cookin' time, Woods, but, uh, traffic on I-93 was bumper-to-bumper.
I-93? I took the side streets.
I got here in 35 minutes, buddy.
You didn't take Mass Avenue all the way? I took Commonwealth.
(all talking) I need the quickest way to get to the kitchen right now.
Oh, yeah, come on.
I'll show you where everything is.
Oh, hey, no waitin' around for my contribution.
Here ya go.
Popcorn balls! Chow down, hear? Hey, aren't these what you brought to the Halloween party? Well, yeah, they're a perennial favorite, Woodman.
Yeah, but aren't these the ones you brought to the Halloween party? (doorbell rings) Hi.
Oh, hi, Sammy.
I thought maybe you were Vera.
Boy, I can't wait to meet her.
FRASIER: Sammy, yo! Hey, Sammy! Hey, Sam.
So, uh, where's your date? Oh.
Well, there's a change of plans.
Her sister showed up from out of town and they didn't like my idea, so what the hell, you know? Hey, guys.
Hey, yeah, watch the parade.
You know, the important thing is that you're here now, huh? We're all here.
This is gonna be the greatest.
Who needs family? You know, Woody, you're right.
Family is not necessarily limited to blood relations.
That's right.
Uh, this is much better than, uh, hangin' around with a bunch of dingbat cousins all day long that you don't get to see but once a year, huh? Yeah, or waiting for some duddy old aunt to show up (doorbell rings) and spoil all your fun.
Gobble, gobble! (doorbell rings) Come on, open the door.
No, no It's Thanksgiving, Carla.
Oh! Okay maybe she'll choke on a drumstick.
Thank you, Carla.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, Miss Chambers.
Hey, uh, Diane.
Ooh, Carla, I like what you've done with the place.
What do you want? Well, I decided that I'd rather be among friends than with my stuffy old professor.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
What happened? Oh Come on.
I'm afraid my golden afternoon turned to dross.
I thought it was clouding up.
The moment I arrived at the home of my professor, I was greeted by a man with a clipboard who handed me a tray and told me to serve a daiquiri to Ms.
Oh We students were invited as domestic help.
(Carla giggles) That might be all right when you're a wide-eyed 19-year-old, but it's certainly not all right when you're not.
We're all we're very sorry, Diane.
Thank you, Sam.
Well, at least you told that pinhead off, didn't ya? Oh, I dropped the tray, burst into tears, took a moment to freshen up my mascara, and fled.
The important thing is you're here now, huh? This is gonna be great.
Would somebody put a gag on Andy Hardy? You know, Diane, if I were you, I'd call that guy up and nail his sheepskin to the wall.
You're absolutely right.
Hey, better yet.
Why don't you go on over there and tell him in person? Yeah, good idea.
Yeah, that's right.
Hello, Dr.
Narsutis? This is Diane Chambers.
I yes, the one who fled.
Listen, I I beg your pardon? Well, yes, of course I accept your apology.
He's invited me back.
Go, go.
Narsutis, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm here with my friends, my support system, and there's really no place I'd rather be.
I trust this won't affect my grade? Thank you.
Good day, sir.
Turned him down, huh? Now that I find myself in the warmth of your company how could I possibly go? Take Mass Ave.
You holiday hooligans.
Give me a beer.
So, Sam-- Thanks.
Where's your date? Oh, change of plans.
Her sister showed up.
Of course she did.
Chortle, chortle.
No, I'm serious.
I had a date and it fell through.
Oh, you don't have to convince me, Sam.
I believe you.
I'm telling you the truth.
And I love you for it.
How's the turkey doing there, Norm? I'd say pretty good for about five minutes.
Hey, half-time's over.
The game's back on.
Oh, great.
Oh, you're watching sports? Hey, don't worry about it, Diane.
Game's almost over.
Oh, I hope so.
ANNOUNCER: knocked away and it's incomplete at the 45.
Yeah, I deliver his mail.
Isn't this game over yet? Not yet.
Well, their uniforms are different colors than before.
Uh, well, they gotta change them every time they score a touchdown, Diane.
Hey, Normie, where the hell is that bird? Cliffy, it's a big turkey.
So are you.
ANNOUNCER: with a tremendous body slam! Now wait a minute! Diane, Diane, you're absolutely right.
You know, let's turn it back on the football, guys.
There you go.
No, no, no! Enough is enough! I don't think watching television was the pilgrims' original intent when they created the holiday.
Well, uh No, hey, hey, hey Hey, come on! All right, all right, look, look, look, look, the turkey's probably almost done.
Let's just adjourn to the dining room, huh? All right! I second that emotion.
Okay, we'll be sitting boy-girl, boy-girl.
Clavin, you can sit anywhere.
Somebody save me a seat.
I got to see a man about a horse.
He doesn't really have to see a man about a horse.
All right.
Well, what do you say we, uh, dig into this, uh, Jell-O surprise here? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh we're not eating until the turkey is on the table.
Everybody went to a lot of bother to make this fine meal.
We're not going to eat it in pieces.
Keep your hands off the food.
Listen, guys, the, uh, turkey's not exactly brown just yet.
What color is it, then? Off-white.
(all moan) But I've reset the timer and I turned up the gas.
I expect the little pop thing will be popping out any time now.
Well, I hope it hurries 'cause I'm starved.
Well, I suggest we take advantage of the delay and engage in one of my family's favorite little Thanksgiving traditions.
Sam, I know you're standing in the hallway.
Get in here.
In lieu of grace, we stand up and take turns toasting that for which we are thankful.
Since you're already standing, Sam, why don't you begin? All right, I'm, uh I'm thankful that I have a super car and a cool stereo and that I'm not dressed in a pilgrim's outfit.
(chuckling) I'll drink to that.
You make a mockery of everything.
Oh, well Hey, can I go next? I don't see a line.
(chanting): Woody.
(chuckles) Uh I'm thankful that I'm an American.
Hey, all right.
I'm thankful for the upbringing my parents gave me.
Uh, I'm thankful for all the friends I've made in Boston.
And, uh I'm thankful that I can do this.
Yo! Put it away.
(chuckling) Hey, can you guys do this? Oh! That makes my thing look kinda stupid.
I can wiggle my ears, watch this.
You guys ever see tongue push-ups? Look at these ears flapping.
Watch this.
Please, please! We are not here to be thankful for strange things we can do with our bodies.
Norman, you're next.
Well, I'm thankful that there's a turkey in the kitchen that needs to be checked.
Yeah, get the damn thing out here.
(everyone talking) All right, I guess I need to give you an indication of what I had in mind.
Now I, too, am very thankful for my health and for my dear friends.
But on this very special occasion, my mind goes back over the years to the people who have influenced me.
And I would like to name some of them for you.
Teilhard Chardin George Sand Caravaggio Oh, Emily Dickenson the Buddha Frank Lloyd Wright Jean d'Arc Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.
Uh, guys, uh, listen, I'm having a slight, uh, problem with the damn bird, all right? What color is it now, Norman? Well, I think we're moving into the earth tones.
This better be good news, Norm.
Look, uh, I'm sorry, guys.
The little pop thing won't pop out.
There's something wrong with it.
There's something wrong with you.
No, no, it's the little pop thing.
Hey, could somebody please explain to me where the little pop thing is on the turkey? I mean, 'cause maybe it's different in the city, but in the country where I come from, turkeys aren't born with little pop things.
The little pop thing has a name! It's called a thermometer! Now can we all please say "thermometer.
" (yells): Thermometer! Thermometer, yeah! We can say it till we're blue in the face.
It's not gonna make it pop out any faster.
I think something's wrong with your oven, Carla.
Hey, my oven was just fine until you stuffed Birdzilla in it.
Come on, you guys, come on.
We don't have to bite each other's heads off here.
It may be the only thing we get to eat this day, Sammy.
Hey, you guys, this is Thanksgiving.
And I still say this is going to be the greatest.
Oh, who the hell do we think we're kidding? We're all a bunch of pathetic dropouts.
Scorned by our loved ones, as if anybody ever loved us at all.
Hey, will you lighten up, man? The only thing wrong here is we're hungry.
Now who else wants to join me in these ice-cold potatoes? Hey, they'll go great here with the, uh, Jell-O soup.
I'm dying to try some of the hair growing on the crudités.
Well, pass me my peas.
I made them so I know they're okay.
Was that remark, uh, directed at me, Carla, by any chance? No, it was directed at your stupid turkey and your stupid stuffing and your stupid gravy.
What's wrong with my gravy? Oh, nothing, except you could walk across the skin on top of it.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Julia Child.
Here's your perfect peas.
Oh, look, I spilled one.
Thank you.
Norm, I'm sorry about what I said about your gravy.
All right.
It's okay.
And so are the carrots.
Uh, anybody want some of these, uh, lovely yams? Woody, would you care to test the gravy skin? People! People! People! Stop this immediately! I have never been witness to such a silly, soph Sam Malone kiss your butt good-bye! Food fight! (yelling) (yelling) I knew this was gonna be the greatest.
Huh? Good bird.
Hey, Diane, may I say you look saucy in cranberry.
(chuckling) Laugh while you can, Sam.
Just remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.
You won't know when and you won't know where, but I'm going to get you.
Now that we're done with dinner, I'd like to make a toast to our loved ones who weren't fortunate enough to be here with us.
Nice thought.
Uh, Mom, Dad Uncle Fergie My kids.
All right, Vera.
ALL: Yeah.
Oh God bless you all.
Very nice.
Well, I think we're about ready for dessert.
Everybody get enough to eat? You know, I never had a chance to try the potatoes.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Oh, well, here, let me, uh Oh, thank you.
There you go, man.
NORM: Vera.
You came.
Honey, I'm so happy.
Hey, you guys, uh Come on, Vera, come on in, meet all the guys.
This is great.
We finally get to meet Vera.
Sam think fast! Everybody, this is, uh, Vera VERA: Charming friends, Norm.
Get your coat.
NORM: Yes, dear.