Cheers s09e01 Episode Script

Love is a Really, Really, Perfectly Okay Thing

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Man, how about all that stuff that's going on over at Cheers? What's that? You don't know about that? Well, Rebecca, the babe who runs the place, you know she's been dating Robin Colcord, the multimillionaire.
Well, he tried to pull a hostile takeover of her corporation and she was implicated in the deal.
So the corporation dumped her.
Guess who ended up owning Cheers.
Sam Malone.
You're kidding.
Wait, you haven't heard the best part.
Now, Colcord skipped the country, so Rebecca's ended up having to take a waitress job at Cheers.
W-Where do you get this stuff, anyway? I got my sources.
Another round on the house, Mr.
Peterson? Thank you very much.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Is Rebecca in her office? I thought you ditched her and skipped the country.
I did, but I've come back.
I finally realized what Rebecca means to me.
What use is my money or my freedom if I don't have the woman I love? Rebecca?! (gasps) I'm back.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Rebecca, what is going on in here? Robin, I can explain.
Wait a minute.
My button's caught in your zipper here.
Robin, I can't explain.
It's my own fault.
For all you knew, I was never coming back again.
I left the way clear for something like this to happen.
But Robin, nothing did happen.
Nothing? No, nothing.
Okay, something almost happened but I would never betray you.
I love you.
We didn't do anything.
Did we, Sam? Yeah (clearing throat): what she said.
(knocking) Hey, jailbird, your lawyer's on the phone.
Your lawyer?! Yes, I've made arrangements to turn myself in.
Oh, Robin.
Oh, I'll wait for you.
I won't have any money when I come out.
That doesn't matter.
I'll help you rebuild your fortune.
Yeah, just look at what she's done with this bar.
Oh, shut up.
Boy, just because you lose a few billion bucks is no reason to cop a 'tude.
I guess I should go see if Robin needs any help.
Sam? Thank you for lying about you know.
It's okay, sure.
Thank you for you know.
I just think it was the right thing to do.
The lying, I mean, not the, you know Well, that, too.
Anyway (clears throat) well see ya.
See ya.
(tiny object clattering) Oh Your button.
Thank you.
Well, my attorney's spoken to the prosecutor and I I have to go.
Can't we at least wait till morning? Well, my attorney says that if I turn myself in now, I can avoid a media circus.
Do you have any idea what these sleazy tabloids would pay for a picture of Robin Colcord the fugitive? (gasps) Okay, let's try another one, only, this time, look a little bit more guilty.
Guilty?! SAM: What do you guys think, huh? I'm finished.
With, uh, with what, Sam? With putting my old stuff back on the wall.
It was gone? Yeah, it was gone-- three years gone, man.
Rebecca had her stuff up there.
Are you so taken with your own lives you don't notice the changes going on around here? Sammy, we notice the important things, all right? By the way, is Diane coming in today? Hey! Hey! Give this man a drink-- whoo! Sammy, I just realized, I forgot to call Ma and tell her the good news.
You know how she loves you.
Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink when she hears you got the bar back.
Hello, Ma! Guess who the new owner of Cheers is.
No, it's not me, it's, uh, it's Sam.
Well, I'm, uh, still a mailman, Ma.
Well, I know you had high hopes for me, Ma, but I couldn't finish college and that's all there is to it.
She was thrilled.
SAM: Hey, Woody.
It says here that you and Carla haven't had a raise for over two years.
That's right, Sam.
I guess that's why I been so darn moody lately.
Well, that's one of the things that's gonna change around here.
Starting tomorrow, you guys get a $20-a-week raise.
Wow, thanks.
Another thing here, while I'm at it, to celebrate the new management, I am wiping out everybody's bar tab.
Sam Malone, I am not a man for mushy sentiment, but I want you to know something-- if you ever need a liver donor, I've got one like yea big.
Woody, round of drinks on the house for everybody.
All right! (cheering) Hi, Sam.
Oh, hi.
I didn't expect to see you waitressing here today with your billionaire boyfriend back in town.
Well, it's only temporary until I find a good job.
You know what they say-- better a temporary dead-end stupid job than no job at all.
Ah, just what every employer wants to hear.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna, uh, take these plants of yours out to the woods and give them their freedom.
So, what's new, Miss Howe? I just got back from visiting Robin in jail.
They're not going to let him out on bail since he jumped bond earlier.
They're gonna charge him a huge penalty, even if he pleads guilty.
I don't think they're gonna give that poor guy any breaks at all.
I got a raise.
You deserve it, Woody.
I deserved it two years ago.
Who was the boss then? Let me think.
Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Boy, of all days for my kids to handcuff me to the water heater.
Why, uh, what's the big deal about today? Didn't Sam tell you what happened in the office last night? No.
What? He and Rebecca were in there for for a mighty long time and that place was wrecked.
He didn't mention a thing.
Really? Maybe he's saving all the dirty details for me.
He's such a gentleman.
(watch alarm beeps three times) Well, fellows, that's the bell announcing Clavin's midmorning brain twister.
Oh, you going to get up and try to walk again? Is this going to be along the same lines as yesterday's little pearl? If the Lennon Sisters, the Maguire Sisters and the Andrew Sisters all came to a four-way stop, which would have the right-of-way? No, no, no, no.
This one is, uh, based on historical fact.
Now listen up.
How would the Civil War have changed if Lincoln had had octopus tentacles instead of a beard? For God's sake, Cliff.
There is no practical answer to that question.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Now we can assume that the Gettysburg Address would have been written on the back of eight envelopes.
Very good.
Very good answer, Normie.
Also, he could have disarmed John Wilkes Booth and still applauded the play.
Now, in a related query, what if Herbert Hoover was able to expand his face like a blowfish? What were you guys talking about? Former presidents with fish parts in their faces.
Come on.
Do you really expect me to believe you were talking about something that stupid? Where have you been all these years? Hello! I know what you were doing.
You were trying to cover up the fact that you were gossiping about me.
REBECCA: And, as soon as I turn my back, you will go on about Sam and I in that office last night.
Didn't I tell you? I knew something happened.
Ooh, guys, do you think Sammy finally bagged Rebecca? MEN: Yeah! Oh, hey, Rebecca, I'm sorry.
This is, you know, just guy talk, you know.
Carla, you think he finally bagged Rebecca? Yeah! There he is.
Why don't we ask him? Sammy, last night-- you-- the Howitzer in the office.
Come on.
NORM: Come on, Sam.
Come on.
Guys, guys, that's tacky.
Sam, we know that.
It says it above the door.
Come on.
All right, if you must know-- nothing happened.
End of story.
I guess nothing did happen.
I guess not.
Sammy would never withhold information like that.
He lives to talk about that stuff.
And we live to hear about it.
Aw, it's a symbiotic relationship.
Much like that between the shark and the tiny pilot fish that constantly swims around its mouth picking out the little bits of meat.
I suppose you're now going to tell me that if George Washington had had a pilot fish, he wouldn't have needed wooden dentures.
Now you're getting up to speed, Dr.
And then he could have, uh, swum across the Delaware to defeat the Hessians.
(laughing): No Dr.
Crane, try to understand.
It's only the president's face that changes.
It's not like he grew fins or something.
(silly gibbering) (knocking on door) Sam.
Oh, hi.
I wanted to thank you for your discretion.
What do you mean? Well, not telling Robin about us was one thing, but not telling all those goons out there-- I know that was a real sacrifice.
No, no big deal.
Yes, it is.
I know how much you love to crow to all your friends about your great romantic encounters.
Rebecca, believe me, it was nothing.
Wait, wait-- not telling them was nothing, or the great romantic encounter was nothing? What? Oh, uh, the not telling, of course.
No, the romantic stuff was great.
Wasn't it? You know, I don't mean to be disloyal to Robin or anything, but it was one of the most powerful things that's ever happened to me in my life.
Really? You need to get out more, hon.
What? You mean you didn't like it? No, I said I did, didn't I? No, it was great.
I liked I really, really liked it a lot.
But what? Uh I don't know.
It's, like, maybe I was looking forward to it too much, you know? Like when you're really excited about a new movie.
Like The Bad News Bears.
Remember that? For weeks, people kept coming up and telling me what a great movie it was.
But when I finally went to see it So it wasn't that great.
No, it's just Tatum O'Neal throwing a ball around.
Not that.
Oh, you mean us? I told you really, it was fine, honey.
Fine?! But it was a letdown, like The Bad News Bears.
No, it was (sputters) much better than The Bad News Bears.
Maybe I was a little off.
I don't you know? I mean, I knew that I'd been depressed and I'd been crying for a couple of days and Wait a minute.
What? I know what you're doing.
You are trying to convince me that I was not good in bed, so I will go to bed with you again to prove how good I can be.
I swear to you, Rebecca No, wait a minute.
We did it once and that's all we're gonna do it.
And no matter how much we might want it and no matter how great it was for both of us, we're never doing it again.
I mean it, never again.
You should listen to me-- there is no more.
I hear you and I agree with you.
It was a terrific moment that you and I had together, but the truth is, you know, I can see that you love Robin and Robin loves you, so, truthfully, I'm liberated.
I feel, I feel good.
But I just hope we can, you know, remain friends.
Get your mind out of your pants.
Hey, wait-wait-wait! Come back here.
I wasn't trying to do anything there.
Oh, stop caressing me.
I have had it with this constant sexual harassment! I am quitting this job and I'm never coming back here.
Me too, man.
Man, I'm out of here.
Wait up, Miss Howe, wait up Woody, that was a personal thing between me and Rebecca.
It had nothing to do with your raise.
Well, still, 20 lousy bucks Well, that's fine-- back to work.
Come on.
Hey, keep your hands off.
Wait, wait, wait a minute, Sammy, look, Rebecca just said she was leaving here, and never coming back.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, man.
This is terrible.
What? Sammy finally struck out for real.
(customers muttering, murmuring) What are you talking about here? We all knew that it was taking a long time, but we thought that, eventually, you two would be doing the horizontal hokeypokey.
But I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.
The end of an era.
First, the Communist bloc crumbles, and now Sammy's studhood.
Guess that's it.
SAM: No, it's not.
Come here.
Come on, all of you.
I want you to step in the office there, and I'll show you where we uh, where we, uh, decided to put up some, uh, some shelves, uh Tall ones, you know, it'll be great for books and uh, some of my videotapes and everything It'll be nice.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it? What I can't figure out is why, why I don't want to tell any of my friends.
No, that's not true-- I-I do want to, but I can't.
Why? That's That's You know, maybe it was such a letdown that I didn't feel like bragging about it.
Or maybe it was not a letdown and I was just ticked that she dumped me as soon as her boyfriend walked in.
Or maybe she's right and I'm just trying to get her in the sack again.
I don't know.
God! I-I just I-I'm just a simple guy trying to deal with this complex problem.
Or maybe maybe I'm a complex guy trying to deal with a simple problem, I don't know.
What do you think, Father? Am I to understand that you had relations with a woman who is not your wife? Yes.
That's, uh that's correct, Father.
Uh, what do I need to do? Say three Hail Marys four Our Fathers and nine rosaries.
Thank you, Father.
Nine rosaries? That's a lot.
We're cracking down.
You mean that I I have to do that for each one of these beads? Hey, it's not a religion for wusses.
CLIFF: You know, uh, Sam, we all feel kind of bad about what you're going through and as much as we live vicariously through you when you score, we also feel vicarious pain when you strike out.
So what's the deal? Are you gonna snap out of this by the weekend or do we have to go rent a Matt Helm movie? I'm fine.
Can we just drop the subject, please? Sam, is something troubling you? Do you need to talk to someone? Yes, as a matter of fact, I do need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to everybody here.
I don't know why it's taken me so long to get this out here, but last night, in that office, Rebecca Howe and I had uh, a disagreement about those shelves I was telling you about.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna put them up anyway.
You know, what the heck.
They'll be good for knickknacks and everything.
I think they're gonna look, uh, fine.
Matt Helm never had to build shelves.
(knocks on door) Hi, Sam.
I didn't expect to see you here.
I just came back for my final paycheck and there seems to be some mistake.
It's only for $16.
Oh, darn those computers.
How can they make a mistake like that? It was supposed to be for six.
You got a ten on you? This isn't about a silly check.
Give me the check.
This is about us.
What about us? Sam, we have been friends for too long to let it end this way.
And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff and that I knew you weren't coming on to me, and that when you said I wasn't good, that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed, it was because you were being honest, because I am a lousy lover.
No, sweetheart, you're not lou No, Sam, it's all right.
It's not like I haven't heard it before.
I have to learn to accept it.
You know, some people are bad at math.
Some people can't skip.
No, no You're a fantastic lover.
I am a dud and I know it.
Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.
Listen, I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.
Maybe I just, you know, wasn't too enthusiastic this morning because my feelings were hurt.
I mean, the minute he comes in here, you act as if nothing happened.
No no, no.
Sam, that doesn't wash.
You have been after me for three years.
And you finally got me.
I mean, if I was even adequate, I know that you would have run out there and told every bozo in the bar.
You don't think I wasn't dying to do that? It was making me crazy.
It's just that I thought that I'd be betraying our friendship.
I never really had a friend before.
You have lots of friends.
No, no, I never "had" a friend before.
It's weird.
I don't know how to behave.
I don't So you really, really did this out of respect for our friendship? Uh-huh.
Sort of sort of like you were being noble? Well, I Yeah, I guess so.
I guess And, uh, I wasn't lousy? No.
You were fantastic.
Look, you want me to prove it to you, I'll go out there and tell them that we made love.
No, no, no, no, Sam, no.
It's enough just knowing you're willing to do that.
No, I think you need more.
No, no, no.
No, Sam, don't give up your nobility.
Aw, come on.
Let, a noble guy have some fun here.
Oh! I get it: you want to tell them.
It's a guy thing, you know.
At least let me tell Carla.
Okay, go ahead.
Really? Yes, yes, you've done a lot for me; it's fine.
Yeah, this friendship stuff's gonna to be fantastic.
Yes Hey, guys, guys, listen up here.
(laughing) Uh, last night Rebecca and I made love, and she was fabulous.
(sighing deeply): Well this has got to be the saddest day of my life.
What? Sammy, you never had to resort to lying before.
What, you don't believe me? First of all, why would you wait a whole day to tell us? And second of all-- she was fabulous?! Sammy, come on, let's go look at those shelves.
No, no, really, I was being noble.
No, really, I was fabulous.