Cheers s09e11 Episode Script


Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(crowd murmuring) CLIFF: Hi, Woody.
Hey! NORM: Hey, Woodster! How was that first night in your new apartment? It's great, Mr.
It's the nicest place I've ever stayed at.
Yeah? And that includes the night in Hanover I got locked in the storeroom in the Piggly Wiggly.
It was cold and lonely, but the food! Anyway, it's no Piggly Wiggly, but it's got cable.
All right.
Is it furnished? Well, no, but it's got this cable that comes right out of the wall, fits right into the TV.
I hope it's in a safer neighborhood than that last dive of yours.
Well, no, actually, it's a little worse, but it's got cable.
CLIFF: Well, if it's unfurnished, you must be getting a break in the rent, huh? Well, no, it's actually a little more, but you got to expect that with cable.
Well, whatever.
I think cable's great.
They had Robocop on last night.
Did you catch that? No.
The cable was out last night.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
CROWD: Norm! What can I do for you, Norm? Open up those beer taps and take the day off, Sam.
CARLA: Here you go, Sammy.
Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah.
Fellas, fellas Check them out.
New napkins, huh? New napkins.
What's this, huh? Oh, look.
There's some kind of brain teaser on them.
You're out of luck.
SAM: No, no, no, these are not brain teasers.
These are, uh, trivia napkins.
Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me.
" Oh, Sam, I-I know you wanted to use a great big word there.
I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage.
" Really? What's the difference? Patronage means customers.
Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Kind of like how you're talking to me right now? Aren't you cute! Okay, all right, here's one.
(clears throat) "What is the oldest state capital in the country?" CLIFF: Crying out loud, Norm.
I told you that weeks ago! Shh.
Just don't-don't wreck it for the rest of us, then, okay? Providence, Rhode Island? Boston? No.
Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Hey! Wow.
Isn't that fascinating? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Good old Santa Fe! Ancient capital of the Conquistadors, founded 1609.
Hey, here's one.
"What civilization was the first known to brew beer?" Early Greece.
Ancient Rome.
Old Milwaukee.
(chuckles) Ancient Egypt.
Get out! Hey, that's something.
I never knew that trivia could be so fascinating.
Oh, hold the phone here! I gave you that fact months ago.
You said you weren't interested then.
Well, you know, Cliffie, it's different with the napkins.
What's so different? Well, napkins don't spit when they talk.
REBECCA: Oh, relax.
Woody, you poor thing! You have to stop worrying.
You're gonna do just fine! You're going to do a great job.
Don't you think, Carla? I think he's gonna bomb.
At what? Beats me, but I think I'm on pretty safe ground.
WOODY: I know it's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I have the skill or the technique to pull it off.
Well, what do you play, Wood? A bartender.
(laughs) Woody, you are a bartender.
Yeah, well, but in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.
Wood, you serve drinks all the time.
Yeah, but in this commercial, I have to talk and serve drinks.
You talk and serve drinks right here every day.
Oh, great, Sam! Now you've made me nervous about working here, too.
Woody, perhaps it would help you to to rehearse your lines with us.
I only have one.
(laughs) I like it.
That's a very nice line, Woody.
Patronizing, right? Now you're getting it.
I was kind of surprised when I got the part.
Said they wanted someone with a fresh face.
I don't know why they chose me.
Oh, hey, you're perfect.
Maybe when I just hopped off the bus from Hanover, but I've been in Boston for five years.
It changes a guy.
Hardens him, gives him a cynical edge.
Come on, you're still fresh.
Jeepers, you think? Trust me.
Hey, Sam, would you come on down to the shoot with me and keep telling me that? Well, sure, Woody.
Why not? NORM: Hey, Wood, can I go? Come on.
I never saw a commercial be shot or anything like that.
Yeah! Yeah, me, neither.
You know, believe it or not, it's one of the few things I don't know much about.
I mean, if you guys all come down there with me, it's gonna look like I'm some big snobby star with an entourage.
All right.
Well, uh, heck with it.
We'll just stay here.
You tell us about it later.
No, I like the idea.
You guys can be my people, all right? Hey, hey.
I got another idea.
We'll all stop at the mall.
We'll pick up satin jackets and matching sunglasses.
There you go.
Come on.
(laughter) That door's not just gonna open itself.
Oh, I I've got that! (whooping) (indistinct chatter) (hammering) So, Jill, it's great to meet such a talented actress.
Is there anything I can look forward to seeing you in, like my shower? (laughing): You're really funny, Sam.
Did you ever think of doing standup? Well, there's always a first time for everything, I guess.
This is spectacular! Yeah, magic of the movies, huh, Normie? No.
The magic of the doughnut table! Look at these-- got your, uh, glazed, you got your chocolate, you got your buttermilk.
Hey, who sucked all the filling out of this Bavarian creme? Hey, you guys, guys, you got something to write on here? She just gave me her number.
Yeah, I got one of these, uh, trivia napkins.
Hey! My trivia napkins! Yeah, yeah.
I've been carrying it around.
It's kind of a conversation starter, you know? Go ahead, ask me the question, Sammy.
All right, all right.
You guys and your precious trivia napkins! If you love them so much, why don't you marry them?! Oh, come on, man! Lighten up, will you? Oh! And by the way, Normie, I'm the one who sucked all the filling out of the Bavarian creme! (sucking) Guys, I'm ready.
How do I look? Woody.
All right.
You look great.
Huh? You got you got, like, junk all over your face, man.
Oh, pancake.
Is there a steam table around here I'm missing? No, no, no.
Pancake is the makeup they use in show business.
It's real thick and real heavy, and it covers every flaw.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vera uses that for primer.
Talent on the set, please.
Oh, that's me.
I got to go.
Oh, hey.
So this is Veggie-Boy! Should I taste it first? No, no, don't drink that.
We sprayed it with high-gloss latex so it'll look better under the lights.
We do it with all the food we're shooting.
Hey, there's supposed to be a bowl of beer nuts around here.
Sammy, you got to get these kind of nuts for the bar.
They slide right down.
It's great.
Woody, this is your close-up.
Jill is gonna feed you your cue.
Just look her right in the camera and say, "I like it.
" I like it.
Not now, Woody.
I mean I like your direction.
It's very forceful, very to the point.
Let's go.
Veggie-Boy bartender close-up, take one.
(bell rings) Rolling.
And action.
So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? I (laughs) DIRECTOR: Cut.
(bell rings) Mr.
Peterson made a goofy face! I did not.
It's my normal expression.
Stop it! Woody, could we have your friend wait out in the hallway? I didn't do anything! Oh, quit looking so goofy! (Sam laughs) (bell rings) Take two.
If you insist.
So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? (laughing) I'm sorry.
I'll go join my goofy friend.
What? Oh, yeah, all right, here you go.
Once again, action.
So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? I like it.
Cut! Print! That's it.
Great! (bell rings) Let's get out of here.
Thanks for not being funny, Mr.
Woody, when is the commercial gonna be on? I've seen this Quincy five times.
It's coming right up, Carla, next break.
Some coroner.
Every week, he has to dig up the body to find something he missed the first time.
(scoffs) Oh! What a surprise! He found a bullet in the skull! Oh, quiet, everybody.
It's on.
All right.
Turn it up, Miss Howe.
MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV): new Veggie-Boy, available in regular and chunky.
JILL (on TV): So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? I like it.
SAM: Hey, hey! (cheering and applause) Hey! All right! REBECCA: Wonderful performance, Woody! Woody, we always knew you had it in you to be a corporate shill.
Thanks, Dr.
Thanks all of you for throwing me this great party.
But it isn't over yet, Woody.
I took the liberty of ordering We're the first ones in town to have it, and Woody, first taste goes to you.
Wow! My first Veggie-Boy! All right, yeah! MALE ANNOUNCER: Veggie-Boy is chock-full of all the vegetables Oh, it's disgusting! REBECCA: Woody, shh, shh, shh, shh! Look, you're on channel seven! I like it! I don't like it! I hate it! I like it.
Shut up, Woody! I like it! You hate it! You're a liar-- a filthy, rotten liar! I like it! I like it! I like it! WOODY: Somebody make him stop!! I like it! I like it! I like it! I can't believe I was just on 14 channels, saying I like this stuff when I really hate it.
No, that's, uh, Everybody always forgets Lifetime.
Woody, wait a minute now.
It can't be that bad here.
Let's take a look at the ingredients.
"Water, broccoli, cauliflower and kale.
" Well, maybe it just sounds bad in black and white.
Kale was not a good idea.
Oh, Woody, Woody, shoot, I just forgot here.
This came for you.
Looks like something from the commercial company.
Probably a paycheck.
Oh, I-I can't cash that.
I can't even open it.
That'd be like paying me for lying.
My mother always told me that lying is the worst of the seven deadly sins.
Wait, wait, wait, lying is one of the seven deadly sins? CLIFF: Yeah, of course it is.
You got, uh lust, greed, bashful That's the seven deadly dwarfs.
No, Woody, hold on a second.
Listen, sometimes lying can be good.
I remember when I was playing for the Sox.
One day there was a rumor going around that a backup catcher was about to be cut.
Everybody knew about it except him.
We found out on the exact day that was his birthday.
He came up to me and he said, "Sam is it true? Am I going to be cut from the team?" And I looked him right in the eye and I said, "No.
Happy birthday.
" And that guy went off and had the best birthday of his life.
And as it turns out, the next day he wasn't even cut.
So it's better that you lied to him.
That's a great story, Sam.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Sam, is, uh Yeah? is that stuff really true? Well, most of it.
It wasn't the catcher, it was me.
And, uh, I was cut.
And the fellas didn't have any problem telling me about it.
But it was my birthday.
Happy birthday, liar.
Hey, Woody, Woody Where's Woody? He's in the poolroom hating himself for lying.
Oh I thought he'd gotten over that.
Yeah, well, he's trying, but somebody keeps reminding him every five minutes.
Hey, Pinocchio! It's 5:00, do you know where your commercial's playing? LILITH: Carla, that's just a little bit sadistic, isn't it? Yeah, but I like Woody.
SAM: Boy, he's really taking it hard.
Yeah, poor kid.
I really feel sorry for him.
Hey, what do you say we, uh, pass the time with, uh, one of these trivia napkins here? Oh! So you're finally, uh, starting to enjoy these jobbies, huh? Yeah, I was acting like a big baby there, Sam.
I know you guys like me a lot more than some cheap stack of paper.
Yeah, whatever.
Well, this is the most boring napkin we've come across.
What's the question? Well, who can tell? It looks as though it was homemade.
It looks like some moron typed it on some old manual typewriter.
How odd.
Read the question.
This is not a napkin.
It's a cry for help.
All right.
So I forged a napkin! Can you blame me? I've been sitting here for the better part of the '80s, trying to enliven the discussion and broaden a few horizons with the benefit of my special brand of my arcane knowledge, and then these stupid napkins come waltzing in.
And then I'm out.
Well I've had it.
It's time to make a choice, fellas.
Me or the napkins? Or both.
Maybe we can alternate.
We can do that.
, yeah.
A round of drinks for my friends here! All right.
I'd like to see a napkin do that, huh? Excuse me, could I get some service? Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
What can I get you? What do you recommend? What's the difference? You wouldn't believe me anyway.
I'm just an incorrigible liar pumping a handcart to hell.
Woody, why are you torturing yourself like this? Because I deserve it.
I lied to America.
I lied to that all-important Woody, you only feel that you're a liar because you endorsed a product you don't like.
But what if you could actually learn to like it? How am I gonna learn to like broccoli, cauliflower and kale? Well, Wood, some things you have to sort of develop a taste for slowly, you know? All right, look, uh, give me a beer, okay? Now, we'll put a stalk of broccoli in that beer, okay? Now you drink the beer and the beer taste is gonna kill the taste of the broccoli, but slowly you'll get used to it, okay? Go ahead.
We don't have any broccoli.
Well, thanks for the beer.
You know, Woody, the way Ma got me used to a new vegetable like, say, uh oh, brussels sprouts.
She used to put a few in each of my pockets and have me, uh, walk around with them all day.
Well, thanks, Mr.
Clavin, but brussels sprouts aren't the problem.
Well, you should try it anyway.
It's a nice feeling.
Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud might suggest that your aversion to vegetables stems from some early childhood trauma.
(sputters) You sputtered, my darling? Honestly, Frasier, you must be the last psychiatrist on Earth who hasn't abandoned Sigmund Freud's theories.
What are you saying? Merely that his theories are outdated, sexist superstitions unsupported by a shred of clinical evidence.
You're drunk.
My wife is completely smashed, blotto.
Sam, no more boilermakers for Dr.
Frasier, I've had nothing to drink.
Ah, the worst kind of drunk.
For your information, Sigmund Freud has a lot to teach us about Woody's problem.
I daresay that if the Master were with us today, he would, after striking Lilith, tell us that Woody is suffering from a subconscious barrier, easily removed by some elemental Freudian analysis.
Well, isn't there anything faster? Oh, many things, but nothing quite as lucrative.
But if you wish instant relief, I suppose we could try a little, uh, well, posthypnotic suggestion.
(sputters) Another wet objection, my love? Hypnosis, Frasier? Why only go back a century for your treatment? Why not bleed him with leeches? Or drill a hole in his cranium and let the evil spirits leak out? Ignore her, Woody.
It's the gin talking.
Or maybe the reason he doesn't like vegetables is because they remind him of his mother.
Ooh! Hey, hypnosis, huh? That's cool, Doc.
Sam, hypnosis is not a parlor game.
Although last week at a party, I did get quite a few laughs by hypnotizing Lilith into removing her shoes whenever anyone mentioned brie cheese.
Frasier, you did no such thing.
Very funny.
WOODY: I don't know if hypnotism will work on me, Dr.
I'm pretty strong-willed.
And what's she, brie cheese? Stop that.
FRASIER: Woody! Let's go into the office and watch that watch.
LILITH: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier.
First you espouse Sigmund Freud.
Now, you've moved on to Dr.
This is not professional conduct.
Point taken, my darling.
Oh, by the way, is that a tambourine behind you? A tambourine? What an odd question.
You are in such trouble, mister.
You know, I was thinking.
What is kale, anyway? Uh, you know, some kind of a lettuce thing they use in salad bars, isn't it? Oh.
No, uh, kale is not a green, per se, but more of a family of greens.
See, anything with a pungent aroma and a loose head can properly be called "kale.
" Get you another beer, kale? I feel like I've been asleep for a hundred years.
Did it work? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Sam, set us up.
Yeah, I got a couple left here.
(chuckles) Now watch, Lilith, and all the rest of you naysayers.
So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? I like it.
Yeah, right.
No, no, I really like it! I love it! Boy, you know, I'm not a liar anymore.
NORM: All right! Mmm.
Oh, you can really taste the kale.
You know what this means? Now that I'm not a liar anymore, I can take that envelope and I can cash that check at the bank and I can just spend it all on Veggie-Boy! Whoo! Hey, you really did a number on him; look at him go there.
Woody is highly suggestible.
I had the mission accomplished in five minutes.
You had him under for two hours.
What were you doing the rest of the time? Just snooping.
We'll, uh, we'll talk later.
Well, I don't understand this.
It's not a check, it's a letter from the ad agency.
Well, what's it say? It says that "due to lack of consumer interest, they're discontinuing the product.
" What does that mean? I think it means they're not going to make Veggie-Boy anymore.
I guess nobody liked it.
How could they not like it? It's broccoli, cauliflower and kale! Has America gone mad? Wood, um, it's not that great, okay? Shut up, Mr.
Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy! Nice work, Dr.
They're stopped making it, how am I gonna get it? I need my Veggie-Boy.
This is all there is? This isn't even gonna last me through the night! Woody, let's go back in the office.
I know, I know.
I can take this to a lab and have it analyzed.
I can make my own.
You know, I've got a blender.
SAM: Woody I'll move back to Indiana.
I'll grow kale! Woody, watch the watch.
Get that watch out of my face, old man.
I've got crops to plant! Woody, you need my help! I don't need your help! All I need is three tons of topsoil and a big, yellow tractor! "Tractor"? The sun'll come out tomorrow FRASIER: Lilith, lower your damn skirt and watch the watch!