Cheers s09e19 Episode Script

Sam Time Next Year

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
No, I don't remember her name.
(wind whistling) Sammy? Yeah.
It's Mike Dukakis.
SAM: Yeah.
It's Michael Dukakis.
Let's go say hello to him.
We can't.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What'll we call him? What'll we call him? Uh, Governor.
Ooh, yeah.
Your Honor.
There you go.
You Your Ex Honor.
No, no, no, no, no.
Duke! Duke, Duke, Duke! Duke! Duke! Duke! Hi.
How're you doing? SAM: Hi.
(both laughing) We said hello to Michael Dukakis! No, no, we said hi to Mike! Michael.
No, no.
We said hello to Duke.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Oh! Uh, uh.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Rebecca.
Uh, 2:15.
Hey, Sammy, here you go.
Thanks, Carla.
Phew! That was close.
What the hell was that? Sammy's vitamin E.
It's Valentine's Day.
Duh! Oh, yeah.
That's that stupid date he goes on once a year with that-- what is that-- Lauren person.
NORM: Stupid? This is not some stupid date, Rebecca.
For the last Sammy and Lauren have met for one night each year.
It's kind of like Sammy's version of commitment.
Actually, it's a lot like my version of commitment.
SAM: Hey, Carla, how long have you had this bottle of vitamin E around, huh? I don't know.
A while.
Why? What is with this date you go on every year? I mean, you know, to me, it just it just seems silly.
(men gasping) Uh-oh! Come on, guys.
Guys, she just doesn't understand.
You see, sweetheart, first time Lauren and I met, we went up to this cabin, and we had a night that was totally romantic and erotic.
I guess you'd call that silly.
If you liked her so much, how come you only see her once a year? I don't know.
I don't know.
It was her idea.
You know, she never told me why.
I keep meaning to ask her, but then I forget.
This year's going to be different, though.
I'm gonna pin her down.
No, I better not do that.
Actually, I'll forget again, won't I? Well, I still say it's a stupid way to spend Valentine's Day.
Yeah, but that's 'cause you don't have a date.
Oh, yeah? I happen to have a date with two very sweet gentlemen-- Ben and Jerry.
Hey, you know, it's just a made-up holiday anyway.
You know, some big fat greeting card tycoon trying to get rich off of dopey cards and candy hearts.
Don't be depressed about that.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
If you're gonna be depressed about anything, it should be the fact that you're only making seven bucks an hour, your skin is starting to flake at the hairline, and you're a year closer to death.
Thank you, Carla.
But, hey, if it makes you feel any better, Happy Valentine's Day! Woody, a couple of pitchers, please.
Sure, Dr.
Uh, if you're buying beer for your friends back there, Fras, you know, I'm, uh I'm available.
(laughs) Well Actually, they're not friends.
It's a therapy group I have for men who have trouble relating to women.
(laughing): Well, set 'em up, Wood.
Ah, Frasier.
Here you are.
And where are the dysfunctional men? Throw a rock.
They're in the pool room.
Come along, ladies.
Why don't you go on ahead into the poolroom and make yourselves as comfortable as five women totally hostile to their own bodies can be.
After you.
So, uh, what's going on back there? Well, Frasier and I are both treating same-sex groups with relationship disorders.
And recent studies suggest that there are benefits to be gained by bringing these two groups together for interrelations under controlled social circumstance.
Say what? Well, come on.
Surely you've all seen, uh, Love Connection.
Oh! G Guys! Guys! What are you doing out here? Dr.
Crane, there's there's Yes, I know.
There's girls in there.
But you see, you're missing the point.
This is exactly the type of situation we've been training for.
This time it's the real thing, not just me in a wig.
Whoa! Man, those stairs are slippery.
Woody, I think we could use a little salt out there.
These pretzels could use a little salt, too.
My blood pressure's actually dipping.
Boy, those patients of mine are really hopeless.
Well, heck, bring them out here.
This is the hopeless room.
Yeah, I don't know, Dr.
Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them, doing all that counseling stuff? I mean, I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place.
You keep it bottled up good and tight.
And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.
Good advice, Woody.
Tick, tick, tick.
Well, guys, I'm all packed and ready to go.
You sure you got everything, Sam? Yup.
And then some.
Oh! Oh, you dog! Hey! You dog! Well, hey, I'm out of here.
No, no, no.
No, you don't, Sam Malone! SAM: What? You don't just leave here on your 20th-anniversary date with Lauren just like that.
We got something special cooked up for you.
Carla, hit it.
(fanfare plays) Ah, look at him go.
So proud, so majestic, so regal.
(thudding, Sam grunting) CARLA: Woody, you never salted those steps, did you? Hey, I'll get to it.
Let me see.
I don't believe there's a fracture, just a serious sprain right around lumbar three.
Does it hurt when I do this? (groaning) That's good.
That's good.
Why? Does that mean I'm gonna get better? No.
Because it means I know what I'm talking about.
You see, Lilith, I could so have been a real doctor.
Hey, give me a hand here, will you, Woody? Oh, geez.
Time's a-wastin', my friend.
Oh, Sam, you're not seriously thinking of still going on this date, are you? You bet I am.
NORM: All right! (men cheering) Sam, I seriously urge you to stay off your feet and in bed.
Well, that's part of the plan, there, Fras.
Hey, Woody, can you do me one tiny little favor? Sure, Sam.
What is it? Can you get me up to my car, then drive me to Vermont, then get me into the cabin? What's in it for me? Well, you could use that new gas card of yours to fill the tank.
All right! I'll feel so grown up! All right, Sam.
I'm gonna drive you up there, and I don't want you to worry about a thing.
I'm a very good driver.
Just go, please.
Ding, ding, ding.
What are you doing? "The captain is requesting that all passengers please fasten their safety belts.
" Oh.
(groans) C-Can you get that for me, please? Sure, Sam.
Where is that seat belt? (grunts) Here it is.
Ow! That hurt! I'm sorry.
(clicking seat belt) Nice and snug.
Here we go.
(car engine starts) Ignition, lights, parking brake, mirror, signal.
(turn signal clicking) Blind spot.
Vermont, here we come.
(brakes squeal) Lord have mercy! What? What happened? Aah! Well, I didn't think that pigeon was gonna fly away in time.
Why do they always wait till the last minute? What, do they think that's funny or something? Aw, I don't know, Woody All right.
All right, Sam, hang on.
We're gonna pull out again.
Mirror, signal, blind spot.
(turn signal clicking) There.
"Exit 19.
Concord Street.
" "Exit 20.
" "Route 125.
" Woody Hang on, Sam.
"93 North.
" Oh, no, please, don't read all the road signs.
Oh, fine, Sam.
Would you like me to ignore the speed limit, too? I wouldn't mind if you approached it.
Meow, Sam.
(rattling) Sam, I hear some rattling.
Is your door closed all the way? No, it's not.
Here, I'll get it.
No, no, hang on.
I-I'm gonna pull over as soon as I make this turn.
(sighs) No, don't undo your seat belt! Give me a break.
Will you lighten up? Whoa! (thudding) Now would that have happened if you'd been wearing your safety belt? Now boys, girls, I have an orange under my chin.
I am going to attempt to pass it to this lovely woman, whom I do not fear.
Now you see, isn't that fun? Whoa! Now, why don't you have a crack at it? Edward, how about you? Come on.
Here we are.
That's lovely.
Ready? Yes.
Good, good, good, yes.
I don't think I want to do this, Dr.
Oh, all right! And what would you suggest that we do? Stare at one another? Lord knows you've all had enough practice at that! You're pressuring them, Doctor.
Oh, you're right, darling.
Uh You know, perhaps we should try a different approach.
You know, there is a technique pioneered in the early 60's, which is thought to be without peer in producing the social effect that we seek.
I'm referring, of course, to Twister! LILITH: Left foot blue.
(door opens) Oh, yeah.
Ah, this place is going to see some action tonight.
Oh, Sam, you've still got a little gravel stuck to the back of your neck.
Yeah? Well, I like it like that.
Just get me on the bed there.
You can take off and come pick me up in the morning.
(car approaching) Oh, hey, that's Lauren's car there.
Oh, great! I'm really looking forward to meeting her.
No, no, man.
You g you got to get out of here.
If she sees you, she's gonna think something's wrong.
It'll ruin the mood.
Just quick-- get out the window.
Go on! Oh, sure.
"Quick, out the window.
" Not exactly the undying thanks and gratitude I might expect after driving Would you just shut up and move your butt? Oh, that's much better, Sam.
That'll keep me warm on the drive home.
Sam, there's a door here.
Why'd I go out the window? Would you get out of here?! Go on! Happy Valentine's Day, Sam.
Happy Valentine's Day, Lauren.
Aww wait.
Why? Wh-what are you doing? I want to get a running start.
No-no! No! No! Lauren! Nooooo! Now you have to play by the rules.
The bottle is clearly pointing at Jill.
Now, Jules, you have to kiss her.
I pass.
For the hundredth time, you cannot pass! Okay, I quit.
Perhaps it's time we admit our failure.
It was a well-intentioned experiment, but we realize now that you're not ready for this type of social interaction.
I guess we can only conclude by saying, "Oh, well.
" FRASIER: No! I'm not giving up! How difficult can it be to kiss a woman? Be a little assertive for once in your life! Now you see how easy that was? Again.
Again! Class dismissed.
Let's go, hon.
(Lauren moans) Sam, is something wrong? Mm-mm, why? You're biting your lip.
Usually, you bite my lip.
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
I have an idea.
Ow! (sultry music plays) Let's dance the way we used to, Sam.
(chuckles) You know something, we always dance.
W-Why don't we just, uh why don't we just sit very still, huh? Yeah, i-it could become a new tradition for us.
Come on, Sam, let's slow dance.
(grunts): No! You like that, huh? Hey, I've got a great idea here.
Let's, uh, tell you what.
You want to learn that new dance that's sweeping Boston? I'm game.
What do we do? The guy kind of stands like this, very still.
And sometimes he leans up against something.
And pretty soon his legs start to tremble.
Sort of the way yours are now.
Yeah, yeah.
There, you like it? (snapping fingers) Well, what does the girl do? Usually she runs for some ice.
You don't want to dance, do you, Sam? No, you know, the truth is, I really don't.
Sam, what's going on? What do you mean? Never mind.
I think I know.
(music stops) I mean, it's obvious.
I'm not exactly as young as I used to be and, um Oh, sweetheart, wait a minute.
Wait, is that what you think? Well, it's okay.
You can level with me.
I've gotten too old for you.
Oh, no.
Listen, age has nothing to do with it.
You-- you are still as young and sexy as that first day and night and next morning that we met.
Really, Sam? Then why are you acting so standoffish? Yeah oh, honey, I've got to level with you here.
Sweetie, I fell down the steps today.
I threw my back out.
I can barely move.
Oh Well, I'm not surprised, a man your age.
Hey, look! That cute guy, with the hairy knuckles, he just left me a five buck tip inside this Valentine.
How 'bout that? So what? I thought that we didn't care about that stupid made-up Valentine corporate garbage.
That's just what losers say when they don't get any.
But I got one, and at 11:40.
Right under the wire.
Whoa, I almost pulled a Rebecca that time.
That's not very nice, Carla.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I almost forgot.
Guess who called you to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day? Who? Nobody! Well, don't you worry there, Rebecca.
Nobody's a loser on this day.
I'm not going to, uh, let you leave the bar empty-handed.
What's this? It's a Valentine's card I got for Ma, but I, I think it suits you better.
Gee, Cliff, thanks.
Hey! Carla! I did get one! So, uh what am I gonna get for it? What do you mean? Eh, come on, baby, swing a little.
What? Well, according to Fras, uh, babes like guys who are assertive.
Aw, come on, Robin's not here, Sam's out of the picture.
You've had the rest, now try the best.
Happy Valentine's Day, Cliff.
Thank you.
Cliffie, uh, where-- where is ev Cliffie? (snaps fingers) Cliffie! Thank you.
I've had 20-20 vision all my life.
Now when I go to a restaurant, I have to have someone at the next table hold the menu so I can read it.
(both chuckle) No, you know what the worst thing about old age is? It's when you get so old that the skin under your arms starts getting loose and hanging like turkey wattle.
I thought that only happened to women.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
I just, you know, I hate to see it, that's all.
Has your doctor put you on a bran diet? Oh, yeah, God Oh, I tell you-- oh, thank you.
Oh! Last year was the worst.
You know, I went in for this stomach problem.
Turned out I had a stone the size of a golf ball.
Took me a month to pass it.
Sam, has your hair started turning gray? Hey, hey.
You're getting a little personal there.
Aren't you? Sam, look, it's getting light out.
We've been talking all night.
Oh, hey, how about that? Wow! You know, that's that's a first.
Kind of nice to know that we have something in common besides our bodies.
Oh, yeah, we have the deterioration of our bodies.
Well, I've got a long drive ahead.
I better get started.
Oh, no.
Wait, wait.
Wait a second here, listen.
Honey, y-you can't go now.
I mean, we barely spent the night together.
W-Why can't you stay? Oh, Sam, I would love to, but you know how this works.
Just one night a year.
Yeah, but that's a stupid rule, you know that? I never have understood that.
W-Why can't you stay? I have to get to Portland by Presidents' Day.
There's a linebacker I always meet there.
You, you do this with other guys? Well, you have other women, don't you? Well, yeah, but not once a year.
I mean, I thought I was special to you.
Oh, Sam, you are.
You'll always be my Valentine.
Next year.
Yeah, all right.
Listen, I could start seeing you on Arbor Day, too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh, great! Don't you see another guy on Arbor Day, though? I did, but he died.
How? Happy.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll do it next time.
Thank you