Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e08 Episode Script


1 I wanna see a planet. Yeah, they're all hidden behind the houses right now, buddy. Also light pollution. That's why we never bring this thing out of the basement. Can we spy on someone? Yeah, no. Okay. Daddy's gotta beg for his job back tomorrow, so it's time for bed. Okay, go upstairs. I'll be right up, I just gotta - Okay. - Find my If you live with kids, space is limited. You got easels, puzzles, stuffed animals. So many rocks and sticks. It's not like we were neat freaks. But until we get kids, the couch wasn't a pocket for crayons and baby carrots. And when you're pregnant and your body's expanding and you start nesting, there's even less room. Stuff just keeps piling up until you're encased in your own worldly possessions, like a bug in amber. Or, you know, until you get rid of some crap and make room. For more crap. - Astrid? - Yes. - So you're pregnant? - Yes! So exciting to finally tell someone that besides my husband and kids. And by accident, a guy canvassing for Greenpeace. So you have kids already? Yes, yeah, this is my third. You know the drill. Just fill in any information that has changed. And make sure you tick the advanced maternal age box. Okay, advanced maternal age, gotcha. Used to be called geriatric pregnancy. I said gotcha. I gave you an opportunity to move up in this company. To get your foot in the management door. And you quit. - It was an emotional - Do you know - I'm not finished. - Mm. Do you know what a betrayal that was? How insulting you were? - I didn't mean to insult - And now - I'm not finished. - Mm-hmm. And now, you want me to take back someone who clearly has one foot out the door? No answer. Interesting. No, I just didn't want to interrupt I've been taking a keen interest in your career. I was gonna make you Employee of the Month. Oh, is that new? You made me look weak. Gero's is a family business. But the corporate office is cutthroat. You piss off the wrong person, you make a bad alliance, and you are dead. Do you watch Game of Thrones? - No. - You've read the books? No. Incest, dragons, "Hold the door!" None of that means anything to you? I've seen all the Frozens Well, this is Game of Thrones. And if I'm ever gonna sit on that iron throne, I need loyalty, dedication, and a little ambition from House of James. I am ready to commit to being Regional Manager. Regional Manager? No, no, no. That promotion is gone. Ennis is the Regional Manager. Ennis? Ennis, James. Ennis. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey. What the hell? Are you back now? Like, for good? Yeah, and a three-week probation period, with no promotion. Hey, look, there was nothing I could do, all right? She just started glaring at me all menacingly and shaking my hand furiously. It was a terrifying promotion. I mean, the money's not bad. That's my money. My promotion. I know, all right? I don't know what to tell you. Maybe I have seniority. You don't. I got you this job, remember? Your dad said you had to stop DJing or he'd cut off your inheritance. Okay. Only one person ever told me to stop DJing, and that was the janitor at the Velvet Underground. And the DJ at my wedding. Don't be mad at me. You stormed outta here. You said you didn't wanna be a lifer. I was weirdly proud of you. What changed? Stuff. Would you see this at least? Of the month, they gave me. Oh, Felix! Do you remember? These used to fit you. This is a jail for bad spaceships. Oh, my God, Viv. Remember this? This was your favorite. No, but that's for teething, and you have all your teeth. They're gonna fall out again. It's mine. - Hello, hi! - Daddy! - Daddy! - Yay! Yeah, there he is. Looks like you have bad news. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I got my job back. Well, look on the bright side. We can afford to eat and have shoes. Hey, guys, you know what? I think I saw a big, orange cat in the backyard when I pulled in. - Fuzzbutt! - I don't maybe - Come on, Viv. - Coming. You know, I wish the kids were one-tenth as excited about this new baby as they are for Fuzzbutt. Oh, cats are like celebrities to kids. It's like Timothée Chalamet's out there eating our flowers. No. Viv asked how long the baby was staying, and then she asked if we could recycle it. Those are normal questions. Hey, do you like the name "Sadie"? Yeah, it's good. Have you seen my laptop? I think I had it under here. God! Mother Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Aah! Aah! Wha Okay, okay, okay. - You okay? - Mm-hmm. - Um, we need to do a purge. - Mm. - You wanna kill our neighbors? - No, I Some of them. But we need to get rid of half of this stuff. And I think our kids will understand, if we just explain to them that they don't have a choice. All right. I wish you the very best of luck with that. Daddy and I have called this family meeting to discuss the baby. How's a family meeting different from just talking? It's more formal. It's, like, fancier. I wanna be fancy. So as you both know, we're going to Nanima's tomorrow. And I just wanna remind you the baby is still a secret. Can I tell Uncle Bo? No. no, no. Uh, secret means you can't tell anybody. What if they ask? People don't just randomly ask if you're pregnant. So, just don't mention anything at all. I'll just tell them you're not having a baby. Okay, nobody mention anything about babies. Okay, item number two If they ask me about a baby I'll just kill them. Item number two. If you look around, you can see lots of stuff. And we're so fortunate to have this much stuff. But it's too much stuff. And that's called clutter. And when people live in clutter, they start to feel cluttered on the inside. And it kinda makes them go nuts. So, um, I'm gonna You know what? I'm gonna take that back. "Nuts" is not a kind word. Ah, lot of people have mental health issues. That doesn't make them nuts, they're normal. Normal people. You know what? That's not a great word either. Because normal, what is that, right? - James. - So Hmm? Yes, no, my point is, we need fewer things in this house. So the word of the day is decluttering. Declutttering. Adorable. So, what I want you guys to do is I want you to think about all the things, and the toys that we can donate, or, more likely, throw away. - No! - Why? All right, listen. You're getting a new brother or sister. It's exciting, right? So we just need to clear away some stuff for the baby. I don't want a baby. I want my stuff. Forget about the baby. Guys, if you just go to your room tomorrow, and pick out stuff that you barely use, then I'll take you for milkshakes. Yay! - Hey, um - Mm-hmm. Don't tell the kids to forget the baby. Yeah, good note. Oh! Sorry about breakfast. It looked so good on Pinterest. You did a great job. Just more time in the oven, less salt, and smaller portions, and you have a winner. Okay, Dawn. You're gonna fire Mom now? I loved the pancake tacos, Nisha. I do have another surprise for my beautiful family. Especially my little bittus! Aah. Oh. God. Sorry, Corey. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Um Go ahead, Nisha. Well, I have been very sneaky these last few months. Sneaking around like a communist spy. If it's the elevated toilet seat, we all know about it. No, no, no. This is even better. I am taking you all to a very magical place. The Mojave Desert? Disney World! What? - Yeah! - Yeah. Oh! Remember those movies we let you watch at Nathan's house? No. You're gonna get to meet all those characters! Mom, Mom. How're you doing this? Okay, you remember my friend Mikayla, who got bit by all the bullet ants in the Honduras? - Yes, yes. - Well, she's letting me use her condo in Florida, while her brother has spinal surgery! It's in December, so I hope you don't have any plans. Oh! Wait, wait, wait. Um, okay, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so, we have an announcement. Um We have plans. Because, uh we're having a baby. - Oh. - Oh. Actually, we're not having a baby. It's okay, buddy. What In in December? Yeah, that's when I'm due, so Well, we can't go. But the kids don't care to see a birth. It's gross. Bo and Dawn can take them. - Yeah. - Oh, I I wish. But Corey's already a handful. - I am? - And then when you add the rides, and ice cream, and so much fun, it's it's too much. Um, no. They're gonna want to stay and meet their new brother or sister. No, we won't. Okay, listen, guys, we're not going, but as a family I hate the baby. I hate it forever. Can I help you put your friends to bed? These are coffins. Viv, you know, you're getting so big right now. There's tons of stuff in this room that you've outgrown. Hey! Stop giving all my stuff to the dumb baby. I'm not giving your stuff to the dumb bab The baby. You wanna make my room for the baby. No, I want to make room for the baby, not your room. Viv. I know that this is a big change. There's gonna be lots of changes as you grow up. You're starting kindergarten next year, can you believe it? Yes. Well, you're gonna be a big kid, and a big sister. I may sit on the baby, like Felix sits on me. But, you know, being a big sister is more than just about sitting on people. No, it isn't. Is this, like, a graveyard for stuff? You're thinking of a dump. This more like a stuff orphanage where people come by and they adopt our old things. Why would people want our old stuff? Well, we got good stuff. Besides, you know, we have too much stuff. Some people don't have enough. Hmm. You guys dropping off? Uh, yeah. Real quickly, our whole lives we're bombarded with advertisers that play on our fears to get us to buy stuff we don't need. But we're too smart for them. Hey, behold. Blackbeard's treasure. We can't take CDs, no one listens to them. What? No. Can I tell you something? You sound insane. You're telling me no one wants to listen to Bran Van 3000? Or Collective Soul? This is The Batman Forever soundtrack? Melts your heart, bro! Sorry, man. It's the format. Nobody can play these. You don't get to be sorry for I'm the one who's sorry for you for not knowing how quickly you're gonna sell Len. The Savage Garden. Those even real bands? Are they are they what? What're you saying? Dad, can I have this sword? Uh, yeah, just give me one second, buddy. You're telling me you don't know Len? Len? Len. "Steal My Sunshine"? - No. - Buiz-bop. Buiz-bu-bu-bup. That's Canadian history, my bro! I think Canadian history is more about exploitation and white supremacy. Wow. Not wrong. But also, Len rocked. Well, this telescope's pretty awesome. We could definitely take that. Yeah, okay. Felix, come here for a sec. I want you to see this. I'm making sacrifices, too. We're gonna donate this telescope, so that a less fortunate family can give it a good home. Okay? If Mr. Man over here will take our two boxes of CDs. Okay, but I'm just gonna throw them in the garbage. Yeah I know it's up for me ♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep ♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪ Hey, don't tell your sister about the milkshakes, okay? And don't tell your mom about the sword. Look who's here. Hi, Dawn. Sorry to bust in like this. I love surprise visitors. Except squirrels, which kept getting through our ceiling last summer. Mm. Bo had to trap them, and I had to drown them. Hi, Viv. Hi, Dawn Auntie. Viv, Corey's at a friend's, but you're welcome to play with his toys. Oh. Go on. You can become so accustomed to your own mess, you forget to notice just how disgusting your home is. Until you set foot in a house that's actually well-maintained. And when you think about everything you'd have to do to turn your place around, the words "fire" and "insurance" come to mind. Astrid brought us this. No, I have no use for a used soda machine. Oh. What? You don't know that. How do you know that? Maybe you need that in your life. You just don't know it yet. Maybe, maybe, maybe you love this thing like crazy. Maybe you find yourself in the kitchen staring at it at 3:00 a.m. thinking, "Thank God for you!" Hey, is this about the appliance, or the baby? Don't be upset. Come on, come on. - We are thrilled about the baby. - Uh-huh. And you're growing your family, a sign of prosperity. James quit his job and had to beg for it back. Okay But we are here for you. And from the moment that baby is born Magical Kingdom. Yes, we'll be in Florida. But no matter where I am, I already love this kid. Well, I wish Viv felt the same way. She wants the baby to sleep outside. The baby isn't replacing her, but giving her a new role as a big sister. - Tell her that. Mm. - Yeah, she's not hearing that. Anyway, do you have that little desk that Dad made me? The one I took the summer you were at Bandcamp, - And I skipped the sixth grade? - Mm-hmm. - You can have it back. - Thanks. And I can take back the Soda Stream - If you want. - No, we'll keep it. I know it's foolish, but I've grown attached to this little thing. Aww. Why can't I hold it? Swords are weapons. They're dangerous. You can have it when you're 11. Where is it? Forget about that old, boring sword, buddy. Come on, help your dad sort these fun books. Hey. Bo's coming over later to drop something off. Will you help him bring it out of the car? Wait, what? It's a desk. It was mine when I was little. It's in the mudroom, behind the washer. Yes! Why are we bringing the furniture in? Oh, it's for Viv. Yeah, I just thought it would help her with her "anti-baby" stance. I'm trying to purge the house of some stuff. It's a little It's like I'm in slow avalanche. Yeah, I thought I thought we were purging to make room for the baby. No, yeah, that too. But also, just not only that. It's like So I've been trying to get the kids excited for this, I didn't realize I had to get you excited, too. You don't. You haven't been coming up with any names, you haven't been researching healthy pregnancy diets, like you did last time. You said Swiss chard smoothies tasted like shirts. Yeah, but I love that you made those. I want another kid with you because I love parenting with you. I love that, too. But But what? I just didn't think it was gonna happen. Thank you. James, would like a breakfast sandwich from my Caesar? I'm good with my coffee, thank you. Okay. Not really that hungry. Astrid and I are having another baby. Congratulations? You you were taking control of your life. Like Saoirse Ronan in Little Women. And now, just like I said they would, your children are running your life. And for what? A family? This is a face you make to me. I'm sitting here. I ordered some pancakes for the table and a pitcher of Mimosa. - Thank you, Marla. - Don't thank me. Thank the board members of a certain rival grocery giant that were just implicated in an animal cruelty scandal. Ah, I see. So, this is we're celebrating? We're doing business. But we're also bonding. Pancakes and Mimosas and laughing at our enemies as they try to find a positive spin for what happened What hap What happened? James! No, yes, I everyone's backs are safe with me. I swear Yep. That's I feel comforted, right? That is comforting. Although, I am happy to stab other people in the back, if that's what you want, Marla. I mean, I'm I'm new, but I'll give it a try. No. But there will be other opportunities. Someone will stick their neck out for an out of favor VP, or hang themselves with a poorly worded e-mail, and we will be there. In the chaos. Waiting. That sounds good. Oh, I have dodgeball on Wednesdays. Don't know if that's a conflict, but I should probably put that down now. You look like such a big kid at that desk. You'll be able to do so many projects there. What projects? Well, you could make a drawing to welcome the baby. Okay. Where is the baby? I mean, now, it's right in here. The size of a blueberry. Can the baby hear me? Mm-mm. The ears don't actually develop until You can play with my old toys, only if you say please. Okay. That's so sweet. Thank you. Can we name the baby "Horse"? Horse? Mm. I'll add that to the list. You have to stay out of my room, Horse. Okay, well, we haven't quite settled on Horse yet. But here's an idea. Why don't you and Felix make your own list of baby names? Yes! Thanks, Mommy. I got dinner. What if we name the baby "Truckbutt"? How about we name the baby Pfft. That's so funny. How about we name the baby "Booger Boss"? Becoming a parent means letting some of who you are go. You have to make room for the destructive, half-functioning little weirdos you're raising. And it can be hard. How much of you can you let go before you're not really "you" anymore? Because as much space as you make, they fill it. With screaming, and heartache and a million little pieces of plastic, yes. Could also, with joy. And love. And screaming. But the happy kind. Right Ready? Here we go. That's your guy? This guy? Hey, do it. Are you ready for this? No. But I wasn't ready for Felix or Viv either. Mm-hmm. Now I don't know what I'd do without 'em. You'd sleep more. Yes, I would sleep more. - Rock, paper, scissors? - Yeah. - Two out of three? - Yeah. Okay.
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