Chinese Burn (2017) s01e01 Episode Script


1 Chinese girls.
Sweet, innocent, submissive Chinese girls.
Conservative and virginal.
Good at maths, Ping-Pong and looking after men.
Screw that.
Here are three Chinese girls who kicked that shit in the ballbag.
Angry, offensive, alpha female.
We're taking over the world! Elizabeth -- desperate, self-loathing, failed Chinese daughter.
I'm from Taiwan, delicious bitch! Fufu, cookie, random, fresh off the plane.
We're Chinese girls in London, bitches.
And you're going to love us long time! Nice Thai prostitute.
Scream like a Korean prostitute.
Scream like a Saudi prostitute.
- Are you really auditioning for a prostitute again? - I hope not.
If I have to be a hooker, an illegal immigrant or - take a white girl again, I'm going to kill somebody.
- Well, we're broke.
- Maybe you should get a real job.
- Fuck that shit! - I just won't eat.
- OK, scream like a Japanese prostitute.
Konichiwa, you look delicious, bitch! I'm from Taiwan, delicious bitch! Just warning you, going to Acton's going to cost you a pretty penny.
Oh, no, let me check.
- This one's pretty.
- No, no, no.
- I mean, it's going to cost you a lot of money.
- Oh, no! In Buddhism, we say that genuine wealth comes not from money but through friendship.
I'm happy to be your friend.
Yeah - No, I'm going with the actual money.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Who the? - Fufu? You're here? Hi, Elizabeth.
My suitcase are outside.
What are you doing here? I'm here to fulfil my dream as a fashion designer in London.
Who's Downton Abbey? We're childhood friends.
It's very kind to meet you.
- I'm also your flatmate.
- What?! - Your parents said it was OK.
Fucking Chinese parents.
They said you are a wine expert, a sommelier.
Are you? Your apartment is so small! OK, Nanny McPhee needs to go.
- It's an apartment for poor people? - Yes.
I heard you work in Michelin-starred restaurant and your boyfriend's a banker.
Ollie dumped her on WhatsApp, and now she just sleeps with randoms.
And, no, she's not a sommeli - Thanks.
Bye, Lynn.
- Liz.
He was sweet.
Maybe he's the one.
Oh, hi, darling.
Yeah, sorry, had to get a hotel last night.
How are the kids? Right, you need to stop having self-destructive one night stands.
You've been standing all night? Yeah, up against a wall.
She's a lan guan.
Jackie! - Hello, Jackie.
- I'm not Jackie.
- Oh, you look so much like Jackie.
You know with the eyes? - Erm Who are you? - My name is Fufu.
- I'm Elizabeth friend from Taiwan.
- Welcome to London.
By the way, have you seen Elizabeth or Jackie? They owe me rent.
Yes, this is their home.
They're here.
Oh, great.
- They said they are not here.
- Not here as in not here right now or? Oh! I love your dog! It's so cute.
Is it a boy or girl? - Fluffy is a bitch.
- Mm! What a delicious bitch.
- What? - Oh, I can just eat her up.
Right, I think it's best if I come back tomorrow and make the relevant passes.
Bye! I can't believe she's here.
Just tell her you're not a sommelier.
Yeah, and she'll tell my parents.
I'm already the biggest disappointment in their lives.
Well, my mum always said life is like a box of biscuits It's chocolates.
Look, I'm serious.
Don't say anything to Fufu about me, she won't get it.
- Fufu! We need to get to work.
- OK.
I'm going to explore London's closet.
Like Camden, Brick Lane, and Covent Garden.
Is this enough for shopping? Maybe you shouldn't carry so much cash on you.
- I have more in my suitcases.
- In our house? - Uh-huh.
- Maybe she COULD stay with us.
- No.
No? Thanks for coming in.
We can't reveal much yet but it's a very exciting project.
This is Dominic, our director.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So It will be highly stylised.
Much like a Wong Kar-Wai film.
It's about the internal struggle of humanity.
A woman faced with adversity triumphs against all odds.
It speaks to our sense of connection with the world around us.
- Can you please read the lines? - Sure.
Just to be clear if you want anal, it will cost you extra.
Could you make it a bit more You know how in China you speak with Like, a tonal lint? A what? Never mind.
Can you do martial arts? - I don't ask you if you can rap, do I, Denzel? - OK.
Can you please read the next lines as it's written in a Chinese accent? Herro, herro, my father, I sink he dead.
I sink he missing.
Help me.
Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, if you want me to be racist, at least get it right.
Chinese people don't say "herro" with Rs, that's a Japanese stereotype.
And for fuck's sake we don't all talk like Bruce Lee! So, she can do martial arts.
She is a fucking BLEEP! All right, all right, mei-mei? I'm not your mei-mei, and I'm sweating like a pig.
Yeah, a sexy pig! You look hot.
That's because I'm boiling, you idiot.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't speak to my manager like that.
It's just that nobody's taking any leaflets, and Do you have a boner? Oh, yeah! Have you heard about my one-inch dick? That doesn't sound very healthy.
No, no, my dick can penetrate your whole body.
OK, I'm just going to take my break.
Hey Fatty Boom Boom Hit me with the Ching-ching Fat pocket clinking, dollar eye twinkling Jeez da beats so chunky Me'sa getting funky Oh-oh oh-oh Hey Fatty Boom Boom Hit me with the Ching-ching Fat pocket clinking.
For the wine, I have also the cabernet Choose the 2009! - Um - The health of Burgundian grapes - Other wines .
in 2009 was exceptional! Excusez-moi.
No! I told you before, stop coming here! Ow! Did you see that? He kicked me! You know, one day, I'm going to be a famous sommelier.
Don't you know that Chinese people are the best at everything? We're taking over the world! Argh! New York, LA Tokyo, Berlin Miami, Rio, Milan Watch it, you twat.
I love your handbag, you twat! I get a lot of love, all smiles when I step in the function I'm a local boy, I'm from the east side Now I'm jet settin, I'm reppin, I'll do it worldwide When I was a kid there was a rough ride Barely had the money for a bus ride, now I'm on the upside Having a ball with all the bredders I grew up with A couple of women I'm in the club with Bottle of bubbly, feeling lovely, women are hugging me Nobody can tell me nothing and nobody can never trouble me It's all good, pure positive vibes For the most part everybody's just tryna live their lives We're not afraid to die, only the strong survive You don't know if you don't try, the stakes are high And it's the city where I earned my crown God knows that I love this town The city lights are extra bright They shine for us.
There you go.
Fucking racists.
Good audition, eh? They want a Chinese prostitute who does martial arts and says shit like, "Herro".
All right, sweetheart? This is my manager, Huang Lo.
Actually, it's Hung Lo.
My friends call me Hung, for a large reason.
You're Chinese, so I doubt it, Hung.
Wait, she's kidding! That's my boss.
What are you wearing, Elizabeth? Says the Chinese Jew.
How come you're here? What do you want? It's my agent.
Stop putting me up for two-cent hookers.
Hookers only get paid two cents? What? Oh, OK, OK.
So, apparently, the director loved my boldness and wants me back for a recall this afternoon.
You said the audition was racist.
Who cares? I got the recall! Get back to work! Yes, as a sommelier .
in a fancy restaurant.
Yo! What am I going to do with this? Come drink me I so yummy, yummy tea Bubble, bubble.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Liz? Liz? - Oh, hi, Olly! - Hi.
God, fancy seeing you here! And, uh who's this? Oh, this is Molly.
Molly! Wow.
Olly and Molly.
- Yeah.
- That is terrific.
You're so - white.
- What? Oh, I think you you called me last night.
What? I did? It must have been a butt-dial.
Your butt said, "Fuck you, Olly.
" Such a rude butt.
It's an asshole.
So, you're you're doing this now.
That's great.
Oh, yeah.
This thing.
It's just temporary.
It's just It's just It's a little It's Oh, she is just the cutest thing.
Good luck with Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Hey, Fatty Boom Boom Hit me with the Ching-ching Fat pocket clinking Dollar eye twinkling Jeez da beats so chunky Me'sa getting funky Oh-oh oh-oh Hey, Fatty Boom Boom Jesus! Hey! What your friend said was BS.
I don't have a small dick.
Look, I know you want to do your wine and shit.
But, you know, if we get to know each other a bit better, then I can get you a 50p raise, so you can buy more Tesco fine wines.
My agent said you want me to read for the lead? Yes.
Forget about the Chinese prostitute.
Here are the sides for the lead.
She was originally written as a white character, but Now, remember, your character is a humanitarian trying to stop trafficking.
She tells people what she thinks, but plays her cards close to her chest.
She's an introvert, but is fiery and passionate.
I totally got that.
No-o-o! You do not make sense.
Your brain's not very strong.
I'm so sorry.
Don't mind her.
Why don't you do the lines? The money these girls make is, like, nine cows and one string of cow hair.
No! Is there a problem? Yes.
These lines are very rubbish.
Who is the writer? I am.
You are a very bad writer.
I'm a what? Or maybe just because Jackie's a very bad actress.
Is that why you never get a job? She should not be the lead.
I'm supposed to be married by now.
Chinese families are fucked up! So much pressure on us to be number one at everything.
I had to learn piano, ballet, kung fu, badminton, weightlifting, violin, goddamn Chinese paper cutting! I still have scars on my fingers! Thanks.
~ What he's saying is You know what? She's your problem now.
Good recall, eh? Your best friend just cost me the role of a lifetime.
You're welcome.
I am not thanking you, you twat! You are very welcome, you twat.
English pub.
Smell like toilet.
Elizabeth, how was work at your restaurant? Can I visit sometime? Can we go there for dinner tonight? OK.
I'm not a fucking sommelier.
Oh, Elizabeth, don't worry.
Buddha says, "One will not be punished for being a loser.
" I never said I was a loser.
Chinese girls shouldn't drink.
This is England.
This is what people do here.
Especially the girls.
Plus, I've been fired.
Shots! - Yeah! - Woo! Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots! Hey, mei-meis! You want to play shag, marry, kill? I'll start.
Mm shag.
OK, babes.
I invited him.
Maybe I should just sleep with him to get my job back.
No, stop being a prostitute.
I don't know.
You sympathy fucker.
There's no way I can touch that thing.
I don't do Chinese.
What do you mean, do? "Do" means "Have sex with".
She does not sleep with Chinese people.
She's racist! Can't control how my body feels.
It's just, when any of them come close, it's like drylands.
Drylands, what's drylands? Dry up.
Little Jackie dries up.
Oh, little Jackie, you have a daughter? I got to pee.
Jesus! Hey! Elizabeth.
Maybe you shouldn't drink any more, otherwise you might find me crazy good-looking, eh? Eh? Now, then, you are fired.
Maybe you should go into wine.
You're so good at it.
- Fuck it.
- Oh! Mm! Mm! Oh, are we doing that? Fuck, yeah.
Cos, you know, I know you're passionate Shut up.
Stop, stop, stop! You came already? Yeah.
Call me.
Does that mean I can have my job back? I'm always going to be in "Me love you long time" films.
Is that because you're a very bad actress? Me love you long time.
You're boobilicious.
Cheer up, boobies! Could I get a grab, too, Lucy Liu? Not today.
British culture! - Whoa! - Calm down, sweetheart! Don't go chicken oriental! Do you know how many castings I've been to in the last six months? "Too Chinese!" "Not Chinese enough!" OK, ladies, time to go.
Let her go! Don't come back.
I can be the answer I'm ready to dance when the vamp up Liz? Oh.
And that I am that young sis the beacon Fuck my life.
I can freak a fit that pump with the peep and You know what your bitch become when her weave in.
I had such a great night! I'm in love with London.
Everyone's so friendly.
Especially the polices! I got my shit job back.
You're not going to tell my mum, right? Buddha says, "Nobody like a grass.
" Jackie, Elizabeth? Hi! Where's the fluffy? Oh, well, she's at home Elizabeth.
I'm not Elizabeth.
I I don't care.
Look tenant.
I do really need the rent today, or I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Is that enough? Well, I mean, I'm sure it is.
That's what I love about you orientals.
Cash only.
You know we'll pay you back, right? It's OK.
I'm very rich.
Anyway, let's do this.
I've got a class thing in an hour.
Handjob for five, blowjob for ten, happy ending guaranteed! People say the Chinese are taking over the world.
Maybe not these three, but we're in London to stay.
So get out of the way, bitches! Dancing all through London town Wearing only dressing gown Turn this city upside down Girls, girls, girls Dancing all through London town Don't care if you point and frown We're taking over the world ~ Ni hao, can you hear me now? We came from the Far East.