Chozen (2014) s01e08 Episode Script
Boy's Night
1 [music.]
- Nu-huh, one step back.
- Man, I saw you.
You was, like, two inches behind where I spit my gum.
Just shoot it, stupid.
Pump fake up! - Aah.
Brick.
- That rim ain't regulation.
- Oh, you've got a W.
- W? What are you talking about? - We're playing "whores," right? - Yeah, with an "H.
" No, stupid.
That's "hoes.
" That's one less letter.
Hey, guys.
Guess who I saw on twitter today.
Uh, some guys from Stretch Money Records are going to be at the Mozzarella Dick's tonight.
We give them our CD, and boom, record deal! Man, why the hell are label dudes hanging out at some shitty Italian restaurant? It's not a restaurant anymore.
Dick Jr.
took over the place, and now it's a strip club.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- With chicks.
Ugh, terrible management decision.
How can a man who wears a basketball jersey, like literally every day, miss that shot? Man, Mozzarella Dick's is the shit.
Man, you're going to love that buffet and shit.
Well, I guess if I'm going to be forced to watch topless women, I might as well do it with a bottomless bowl of pas-ghetti and a spicy meat-a-ball! [phone ringing.]
Speak.
Hunter, no! Turn your ass around.
You know I ain't going to no stupid club named cathedral.
Probably be a bunch of warlocks and fat girls in long gloves.
Ooh, I hate them chunk-rock bitches.
Nah, dog.
My cousin Jorge goes to Cathedral all the time.
He says it's crazy, like, sex and drugs and, like, a ton of shiny, oily guys and shit.
Pick me up immediately.
All right! I'mma own y'all on this one.
King Lebronius James ain't got shit on Prince Chozen.
Off the pole, side gutter, satellite dish, nothing but net.
Uh, Larry bird! [glass brakes.]
- Ah, goddammit! - Just missed it.
Hey, you're paying for that window, dick! Don't you put that shit on me, Ricky.
What did you expect with that weak-ass non-licensed ball and cheap Mexican glass? [car honking.]
Well, that's my ride.
Good game, fellas.
[title music.]
1x08 - Boy's Night Damn, Hunter.
Check out this ho-asis.
All this top loin got me giddy.
Why you're looking like a white bitch in a horror movie? We're not at Hannigan's.
This is Cathedral.
- I'm not sure I'll fit in.
- Chill, Hunter.
No matter what happens in here tonight, you get to come home with me, and you know I'm going to beat that thing up just the way you like it.
Good luck to you.
Usually big guys like us have trouble getting in here.
Speak for yourself, dumbo drop.
I've got girth.
See these? Pecs! - See those? Tittays.
- Uh it's glandular.
Yeah, your mouth gland eating too many of those little Debbie snack cakes.
Nice try.
You're not even Chicago hot.
Oh, man.
I already love this place.
- Natural selection, bitch! - Hey, you can't just walk in.
This isn't red lobster.
Sorry, this is our first time here.
Wait.
You two are together? Hell, yeah.
In, like, a semi-exclusive, "non-gamogamous" way.
Uh, whatever, but only because you're so fine.
Oh! Appreciate the props, my dude.
You lucky he liked me.
I told you not to put so much gel in your hair.
Looking like a greasy Ron Weasley.
Deuces, loser! [laughing.]
[club music.]
Oh, my god.
Everyone here is so good-looking.
I know! Ooh, that one looks like he could swiffer a man from pucker to shaft.
I have never seen so many muscles.
They're all tens.
I feel like a two.
You've got to work on your self-esteem, or else people are going to treat you like a little bitch.
Now, go fetch me a drink.
None of that well shit neither.
I'm talking top shelf.
Treat ourselves.
Good idea, bro.
I could really use a shot.
- Don't go too far, okay? - I'll be right here.
- Hey! - Oh, sorry.
Just needed to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
I'm not sure if clams at a titty bar is a good idea.
Yeah, good looking out.
Oh, calamari! Man, I'm glad your lady set you free tonight.
- What do you mean set me free? - It's just like, usually you have to watch the Bachelor or go clothes shopping, or like, cook a lentil loaf or some shit.
- You're like, you know, wha-poosh! - Dude, what was that? It's a whip, 'cause you're pussy-whipped.
Like, wha-pam, wha-pa-pam! I ain't whipped shit.
My girl gets me dinner every night well, the ingredients for dinner, then I cook it.
But she does the dishes.
I just gotta put them away.
It's a pretty cool setup.
Hey, dog, don't look, but that's the guy from Stretch Money right there.
- Those dudes look official.
- I heard that the one on the left hit a valet with a bottle of ciroc just for farting next to his car, dog.
[cell phone ringing.]
Hey, hold up.
I gotta take this real quick.
Whappa-pam! Hey, baby.
What's up? Of course, I don't want to be here.
I told you it's for work.
Yo, you see, it turns out interns can't sue for harassment.
So, as long as she's 18, I'm off the hook.
- Boom! - Ha, ha, that's a cool story.
Hey, so I was thinking that dudes like you might want to hear, like, a dope track and shit.
Oh, yeah, man.
Let me take a listen.
- Oh, did that just happen? - No unsolicited music, man.
Oh, it's not unsolicited.
It's hip-hop.
Oh, hell, yeah! Yo, DJ, turn it up! This is my career.
Once we get this record deal, I can finally take you to Atlantis, with all that under the sea dining and dolphins and shit.
What part of this do you not understand? You're acting short-sighted as hell.
Maybe I shouldn't come home tonight, huh? Hello? Babe, you there? Hello? Crisco? - Hey.
What's up, girl? - It's Jennifer, from high school.
Uh right.
Jennifer, from high school.
Around here I go by Cayenne.
'Cause you're hot like the pepper? No, expensive like a Porsche.
You want to dance? You know what? Yes.
That would be lovely.
All right, gentlemen.
Coming up next, we have Briana.
Now, don't be stingy.
Tuition is due, and that nursing degree ain't free.
Hey.
I spin, too, dog.
What kind of decks are you working with? - Uh, iPod.
- Oh, so cool.
Yeah.
Hey, me and my boy over there got this song and shit.
Maybe we can import this to iTunes, and then, like, update the id3 tags, then sync it to your iPad Look, all I do is introduce the strippers and press play.
Maybe honest Abe can convince you, homie.
Sorry, pal.
The girls pick their own music.
Thanks for the tip.
Whoa! Please, everyone, do not throw coins on the stage.
These ladies do not have dental.
De-licious.
Like a kid in a candy shop I want it all delicious treats rain down like a waterfall sugary snacks with six packs frosted tips, waxy lips I'm keeping it hard like granny candies Willy Wonka, I'm the don to these dandies sugar daddy on the hunt for a moon pie bubble gummers giving hummers on my king size pixie sticks and peppermint dicks smoking hot lollipops begging for licks sour patch studs with the marshmallow skins chocolate muscles and no double chins gummy filled hot boys, whipped cream dreams drunk on confections busting at the seams spark a swisher sweet, pass it to me I'mma taste the rainbow, these dudes is candy Oh! Call a doctor 'cause all this man-candy is about to give me dong diabetes.
Let me guess.
That's for me.
Okay.
We've got botox biatches in that corner, 'roid ragers over there.
That's twinky town.
Oh, and some Asian tops, very rare.
Toshi! Konnichiwa, whore.
Hey, Fidget.
This is Hunter, a real live bubblegummer.
Can you believe it's his first visit here? - Werk.
- 'Sup, bro.
Straight acting and appearing? Oh, where did you find him? Just wandering around like a little lost puppy.
Don't worry.
We'll find you a good home.
Actually, I came with someone.
And you'll leave with someone better.
Come on.
Let's hit the VIP.
Welcome to the big time, Hunty.
So then I was in the fed for a few years, and I Oh, no shit, man.
Me, too! 10 years, to be exact.
I mean, I just got out.
Wow, seasoned.
Settle something for us.
What's your opinion on Goldman Sachs? Well, personally I enjoy man-sacks of all colors.
Gold, black, white, Filipino if I'm drinking Those nipples look like they could cut diamonds.
Well, I've got some jewels in my jeans.
- Care to appraise? - Pardon me? - Buy me a drink, farm boy.
- Me buy you a drink? All right, twist my arm, player.
[chuckles.]
You could buy me dinner, too.
Full disclosure, I eat a lot.
I mean, you best be clipping some coupons.
Look, creep.
This is Cathedral, and you're too gross not to be rich.
Damn, this place treats a brother worse than Sing Sing treats a baby toucher.
[whistle in distance.]
Don't mind if I do.
- Oh, my god.
Is that him? - Ugh, he's a beast! He makes me laugh.
Everyone with a busted boyfriend says that.
You best lift that rope.
You've got a very impressive penis getting pissed out here.
- He's fine.
He's with me.
- Oh.
No problem, Hunty.
Hunty? [laughing.]
- Stupid.
- This place is amazing.
I love it here.
'Sup, ballers? So you met my man Hunter.
Oh, complimentary beverages! I like your style, guys.
I'll just make myself a little something-something 'cause, for real, drinks down there are expensive.
Whoo! I haven't felt this good since lunch, when honestly, fellas, I took the biggest shit of my life! Ew.
Remember the geometry teacher, Mr.
Johnson? That old creeper comes in here twice a week.
No! Mm-hmm, blows his entire pension check, among other things.
Get it, Mr.
Johnson.
Shit, he was an old perv when he was young.
You know what I'm saying? [laughing.]
You know, in high school, after Shane Julian started that rumor about me, you were the only one who didn't call me by that awful nickname.
- Nickname? - You know, the nickname? Oh, right.
Yeah.
I don't even want to say it.
Good, because I never want to hear it again.
Come on.
Let's go back to the chianti room.
- Everything's on me tonight.
- This is unreal.
It's not every day you get a real gentleman in a gentlemen's club.
Most of the guys who come here are pricks.
Hey, do you want to dance to our song? I know that your father will hate it, and I know you hate your father.
How can you tell that? Easy.
You're an Asian girl with blond hair and clown titties.
I'll play your song.
- Oh, for real? - One question: You allergic to latex? No, just pistachios and bee stings, and [laughter.]
So, we were under the chuppah, and I said, "Avi, you are my soul, my heart, my bashert.
" - No, she did not.
- It was on Hebrew rosetta stone as soon as we were engaged.
How cute is that? - Okay, enough with the ceremony.
Let's cut to the chorus.
How was the honeymoon? Hello? Ibiza.
Hold up, hold up.
Y'all got married? Three months this Tuesday.
All right, you coy bitches.
I want details.
[laughing.]
Y'all are being ridiculous.
Dudes can't marry dudes.
Actually, 16 states and the District of Columbia beg to differ.
Not to mention a little something called the supreme court.
What's next, a woman marrying a tree? [laughing.]
I'm just clowning.
I know y'all can get married.
I just don't know why you would.
Seriously, you want to hit that shit until the day you die? - Oooh.
Well - Antonio! - Can you tone it down a little? - Tone it down? What, are you running shit now? Hunty, I'm going to the bar.
Need a refill? - Hands off.
- Don't touch me.
[groaning.]
Uh-oh.
You're out of here, ugly! Who you calling ugly? You ugly on the inside.
Get off me! Treat me with some respect! Hold up.
You deserve better.
You're the hottest bitch in here.
Now lose the shirt, and let's dance.
[music volume up.]
[cheering.]
Yeah! Your mama's a fat bitch.
Hey, how you doing? We met earlier.
They call me Papa Bear.
And I'm Chadwick, and they call me Super Femme for some reason.
[dog barking.]
Maurice du Mauriér.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What is this, the league of extraordinarily disgusting gentlemen? [dog growling.]
I tried to warn you, buddy.
It's always the same thing: No fats.
No femmes.
No freaks.
No fleabaggers.
And you, my clotted cream cronut, are three out of four.
Welcome to troll town, Mary.
[screams.]
I ain't no troll.
Do you mind if I masturbate while you do that? Boo-boo, hand us some poppers.
Aah.
You yuck-faces are depressing as hell.
Part this sea of gnarliness.
I'm going to get my property.
Oh, darling, you can rent by the hour or lease by the year, but you can never, ever own.
Oh, we'll see about that, 'cause I'm getting back in there.
No.
You're going to take on Cathedral? That's right, white grimace.
Those stuck-up fools are the worst people in the world.
- Let us help you.
- Oh, please.
We're talking about storming a night club.
I don't think y'all can handle it.
Oh, honey.
I survived stonewall, Anita Bryant, two bushes and one bitch of a virus.
I can handle anything.
All right, trolls.
We're taking this joint back, straight up attica-style.
Oh, yes! The last time I was behind bars was 1967, I was the stage manager for Fortune and men's eyes, three glorious months at the coronet.
I'll tell you, every day with Sal Mineo was a blessing.
This is the weirdest crew that I have ever run with.
Now let us pray.
Dear god, please help us take back your house from these "homosensuals," so that these other homosensuals can have a fun night, too, as they are your children as well.
Also, if you bless me with the power to fly, I will spread your word across the planet and help solve mysteries.
A to the men.
aah Yeah.
Is this shit really happening? - Hell, yeah, it is.
- Awesome.
What's wrong, baby? Nothing.
Keep going.
- Damn! - Are you crying? - No.
It's just, it smells like - What, it smells like what? Oh, shit! Now I remember.
Jenny Wolinsky! You're "onion pussy!" You're an asshole, just like all the others! No, no, wait! Baby, baby, come back! I can hold my breath.
- Hands! - Whoa.
[whistle blowing.]
[music.]
Hey, who is this? - We got a toucher! - That guy right there.
- Hey, that's our song! - Hell, yeah, it is! - And that's the other one.
- Hey, homie.
Look out! Hey, latex lady.
I've got to bounce.
I told you that song was fire, dog.
Tight track, for sure, bro, but gimps and rapists aren't really what the label is looking for right now.
Go, go, go! Get out of here! Step aside, V-neck.
I'm coming through.
You and what army? Hey, wait! [groaning.]
[laughing.]
Out of my way, sweetcakes.
Judy baby, this one's for you! [coughing.]
- These drinks are on me! - Ew! [screaming.]
Ooh.
[chuckling.]
There you are, fool.
Come on, let's bounce.
We're going to hit Denny's for a lumberjack slam.
I don't want Denny's.
I wanna keep dancing.
You serious right now? Hunty, this place is done.
There's a sick after-party at Karma.
All the guys are gonna be there.
- Uh, in! - You don't leave until I say you leave.
Now let's leave.
Listen, mister.
This boy doesn't belong to you.
- He belongs to the night.
- Oh, yeah, mini-Miyagi? When I met this fool, he was all teeth, breathed through his mouth, and his enema game was inconsistent at best.
I made him! So, are you coming or what? You know something, bro? I think I finally found me.
And guess what? It's a wonderful thing.
Goodbye, Chozen.
Huzzah, general.
To the victor go the spoils.
How about you turn our threesome into a fourgy? I know you just saw me have an emotional moment right now, and I see that you're trying to prey on my vulnerabilities and shit, but know this Ain't none of you gonna get a chance with a man like me.
- Y'all are repugnant.
- Well, she's in a mood.
Man, I'm done with that scene.
Ain't nothing but a bunch of fussy chumps starving they-selves, drinks all looking like potions.
- Hey, where's Hunter? - Hunter and I are no longer.
Are you cool with that? Goodbye [slow romantic music.]
is the hardest word to say goodbye can make you cry remember the times we shared the time we fell in love the years we spent together goodbye See, the thing with Hunter is dude don't really understand what it means to be in a relationship.
Bottom-line: I was tired of his childish ways.
I'm sorry, man.
[sniffing.]
Why the hell you smell like funyuns? Woo-hoo-hoo.
Hey, do you remember that Jenny chick from high school? Shut up, Rick.
It's a dumb story.
What the hell? Yo, that's our track! No one leaves mistress.
[whip.]
- Get in! - I gotta go.
You worthless puke! You think you're a man? You're nothing! - You're less than - That reminds me, I gotta call my girl.
Sit! [phone buzzing.]
[beeps.]
"Toshi look fat as hell.
"
- Nu-huh, one step back.
- Man, I saw you.
You was, like, two inches behind where I spit my gum.
Just shoot it, stupid.
Pump fake up! - Aah.
Brick.
- That rim ain't regulation.
- Oh, you've got a W.
- W? What are you talking about? - We're playing "whores," right? - Yeah, with an "H.
" No, stupid.
That's "hoes.
" That's one less letter.
Hey, guys.
Guess who I saw on twitter today.
Uh, some guys from Stretch Money Records are going to be at the Mozzarella Dick's tonight.
We give them our CD, and boom, record deal! Man, why the hell are label dudes hanging out at some shitty Italian restaurant? It's not a restaurant anymore.
Dick Jr.
took over the place, and now it's a strip club.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- With chicks.
Ugh, terrible management decision.
How can a man who wears a basketball jersey, like literally every day, miss that shot? Man, Mozzarella Dick's is the shit.
Man, you're going to love that buffet and shit.
Well, I guess if I'm going to be forced to watch topless women, I might as well do it with a bottomless bowl of pas-ghetti and a spicy meat-a-ball! [phone ringing.]
Speak.
Hunter, no! Turn your ass around.
You know I ain't going to no stupid club named cathedral.
Probably be a bunch of warlocks and fat girls in long gloves.
Ooh, I hate them chunk-rock bitches.
Nah, dog.
My cousin Jorge goes to Cathedral all the time.
He says it's crazy, like, sex and drugs and, like, a ton of shiny, oily guys and shit.
Pick me up immediately.
All right! I'mma own y'all on this one.
King Lebronius James ain't got shit on Prince Chozen.
Off the pole, side gutter, satellite dish, nothing but net.
Uh, Larry bird! [glass brakes.]
- Ah, goddammit! - Just missed it.
Hey, you're paying for that window, dick! Don't you put that shit on me, Ricky.
What did you expect with that weak-ass non-licensed ball and cheap Mexican glass? [car honking.]
Well, that's my ride.
Good game, fellas.
[title music.]
1x08 - Boy's Night Damn, Hunter.
Check out this ho-asis.
All this top loin got me giddy.
Why you're looking like a white bitch in a horror movie? We're not at Hannigan's.
This is Cathedral.
- I'm not sure I'll fit in.
- Chill, Hunter.
No matter what happens in here tonight, you get to come home with me, and you know I'm going to beat that thing up just the way you like it.
Good luck to you.
Usually big guys like us have trouble getting in here.
Speak for yourself, dumbo drop.
I've got girth.
See these? Pecs! - See those? Tittays.
- Uh it's glandular.
Yeah, your mouth gland eating too many of those little Debbie snack cakes.
Nice try.
You're not even Chicago hot.
Oh, man.
I already love this place.
- Natural selection, bitch! - Hey, you can't just walk in.
This isn't red lobster.
Sorry, this is our first time here.
Wait.
You two are together? Hell, yeah.
In, like, a semi-exclusive, "non-gamogamous" way.
Uh, whatever, but only because you're so fine.
Oh! Appreciate the props, my dude.
You lucky he liked me.
I told you not to put so much gel in your hair.
Looking like a greasy Ron Weasley.
Deuces, loser! [laughing.]
[club music.]
Oh, my god.
Everyone here is so good-looking.
I know! Ooh, that one looks like he could swiffer a man from pucker to shaft.
I have never seen so many muscles.
They're all tens.
I feel like a two.
You've got to work on your self-esteem, or else people are going to treat you like a little bitch.
Now, go fetch me a drink.
None of that well shit neither.
I'm talking top shelf.
Treat ourselves.
Good idea, bro.
I could really use a shot.
- Don't go too far, okay? - I'll be right here.
- Hey! - Oh, sorry.
Just needed to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
I'm not sure if clams at a titty bar is a good idea.
Yeah, good looking out.
Oh, calamari! Man, I'm glad your lady set you free tonight.
- What do you mean set me free? - It's just like, usually you have to watch the Bachelor or go clothes shopping, or like, cook a lentil loaf or some shit.
- You're like, you know, wha-poosh! - Dude, what was that? It's a whip, 'cause you're pussy-whipped.
Like, wha-pam, wha-pa-pam! I ain't whipped shit.
My girl gets me dinner every night well, the ingredients for dinner, then I cook it.
But she does the dishes.
I just gotta put them away.
It's a pretty cool setup.
Hey, dog, don't look, but that's the guy from Stretch Money right there.
- Those dudes look official.
- I heard that the one on the left hit a valet with a bottle of ciroc just for farting next to his car, dog.
[cell phone ringing.]
Hey, hold up.
I gotta take this real quick.
Whappa-pam! Hey, baby.
What's up? Of course, I don't want to be here.
I told you it's for work.
Yo, you see, it turns out interns can't sue for harassment.
So, as long as she's 18, I'm off the hook.
- Boom! - Ha, ha, that's a cool story.
Hey, so I was thinking that dudes like you might want to hear, like, a dope track and shit.
Oh, yeah, man.
Let me take a listen.
- Oh, did that just happen? - No unsolicited music, man.
Oh, it's not unsolicited.
It's hip-hop.
Oh, hell, yeah! Yo, DJ, turn it up! This is my career.
Once we get this record deal, I can finally take you to Atlantis, with all that under the sea dining and dolphins and shit.
What part of this do you not understand? You're acting short-sighted as hell.
Maybe I shouldn't come home tonight, huh? Hello? Babe, you there? Hello? Crisco? - Hey.
What's up, girl? - It's Jennifer, from high school.
Uh right.
Jennifer, from high school.
Around here I go by Cayenne.
'Cause you're hot like the pepper? No, expensive like a Porsche.
You want to dance? You know what? Yes.
That would be lovely.
All right, gentlemen.
Coming up next, we have Briana.
Now, don't be stingy.
Tuition is due, and that nursing degree ain't free.
Hey.
I spin, too, dog.
What kind of decks are you working with? - Uh, iPod.
- Oh, so cool.
Yeah.
Hey, me and my boy over there got this song and shit.
Maybe we can import this to iTunes, and then, like, update the id3 tags, then sync it to your iPad Look, all I do is introduce the strippers and press play.
Maybe honest Abe can convince you, homie.
Sorry, pal.
The girls pick their own music.
Thanks for the tip.
Whoa! Please, everyone, do not throw coins on the stage.
These ladies do not have dental.
De-licious.
Like a kid in a candy shop I want it all delicious treats rain down like a waterfall sugary snacks with six packs frosted tips, waxy lips I'm keeping it hard like granny candies Willy Wonka, I'm the don to these dandies sugar daddy on the hunt for a moon pie bubble gummers giving hummers on my king size pixie sticks and peppermint dicks smoking hot lollipops begging for licks sour patch studs with the marshmallow skins chocolate muscles and no double chins gummy filled hot boys, whipped cream dreams drunk on confections busting at the seams spark a swisher sweet, pass it to me I'mma taste the rainbow, these dudes is candy Oh! Call a doctor 'cause all this man-candy is about to give me dong diabetes.
Let me guess.
That's for me.
Okay.
We've got botox biatches in that corner, 'roid ragers over there.
That's twinky town.
Oh, and some Asian tops, very rare.
Toshi! Konnichiwa, whore.
Hey, Fidget.
This is Hunter, a real live bubblegummer.
Can you believe it's his first visit here? - Werk.
- 'Sup, bro.
Straight acting and appearing? Oh, where did you find him? Just wandering around like a little lost puppy.
Don't worry.
We'll find you a good home.
Actually, I came with someone.
And you'll leave with someone better.
Come on.
Let's hit the VIP.
Welcome to the big time, Hunty.
So then I was in the fed for a few years, and I Oh, no shit, man.
Me, too! 10 years, to be exact.
I mean, I just got out.
Wow, seasoned.
Settle something for us.
What's your opinion on Goldman Sachs? Well, personally I enjoy man-sacks of all colors.
Gold, black, white, Filipino if I'm drinking Those nipples look like they could cut diamonds.
Well, I've got some jewels in my jeans.
- Care to appraise? - Pardon me? - Buy me a drink, farm boy.
- Me buy you a drink? All right, twist my arm, player.
[chuckles.]
You could buy me dinner, too.
Full disclosure, I eat a lot.
I mean, you best be clipping some coupons.
Look, creep.
This is Cathedral, and you're too gross not to be rich.
Damn, this place treats a brother worse than Sing Sing treats a baby toucher.
[whistle in distance.]
Don't mind if I do.
- Oh, my god.
Is that him? - Ugh, he's a beast! He makes me laugh.
Everyone with a busted boyfriend says that.
You best lift that rope.
You've got a very impressive penis getting pissed out here.
- He's fine.
He's with me.
- Oh.
No problem, Hunty.
Hunty? [laughing.]
- Stupid.
- This place is amazing.
I love it here.
'Sup, ballers? So you met my man Hunter.
Oh, complimentary beverages! I like your style, guys.
I'll just make myself a little something-something 'cause, for real, drinks down there are expensive.
Whoo! I haven't felt this good since lunch, when honestly, fellas, I took the biggest shit of my life! Ew.
Remember the geometry teacher, Mr.
Johnson? That old creeper comes in here twice a week.
No! Mm-hmm, blows his entire pension check, among other things.
Get it, Mr.
Johnson.
Shit, he was an old perv when he was young.
You know what I'm saying? [laughing.]
You know, in high school, after Shane Julian started that rumor about me, you were the only one who didn't call me by that awful nickname.
- Nickname? - You know, the nickname? Oh, right.
Yeah.
I don't even want to say it.
Good, because I never want to hear it again.
Come on.
Let's go back to the chianti room.
- Everything's on me tonight.
- This is unreal.
It's not every day you get a real gentleman in a gentlemen's club.
Most of the guys who come here are pricks.
Hey, do you want to dance to our song? I know that your father will hate it, and I know you hate your father.
How can you tell that? Easy.
You're an Asian girl with blond hair and clown titties.
I'll play your song.
- Oh, for real? - One question: You allergic to latex? No, just pistachios and bee stings, and [laughter.]
So, we were under the chuppah, and I said, "Avi, you are my soul, my heart, my bashert.
" - No, she did not.
- It was on Hebrew rosetta stone as soon as we were engaged.
How cute is that? - Okay, enough with the ceremony.
Let's cut to the chorus.
How was the honeymoon? Hello? Ibiza.
Hold up, hold up.
Y'all got married? Three months this Tuesday.
All right, you coy bitches.
I want details.
[laughing.]
Y'all are being ridiculous.
Dudes can't marry dudes.
Actually, 16 states and the District of Columbia beg to differ.
Not to mention a little something called the supreme court.
What's next, a woman marrying a tree? [laughing.]
I'm just clowning.
I know y'all can get married.
I just don't know why you would.
Seriously, you want to hit that shit until the day you die? - Oooh.
Well - Antonio! - Can you tone it down a little? - Tone it down? What, are you running shit now? Hunty, I'm going to the bar.
Need a refill? - Hands off.
- Don't touch me.
[groaning.]
Uh-oh.
You're out of here, ugly! Who you calling ugly? You ugly on the inside.
Get off me! Treat me with some respect! Hold up.
You deserve better.
You're the hottest bitch in here.
Now lose the shirt, and let's dance.
[music volume up.]
[cheering.]
Yeah! Your mama's a fat bitch.
Hey, how you doing? We met earlier.
They call me Papa Bear.
And I'm Chadwick, and they call me Super Femme for some reason.
[dog barking.]
Maurice du Mauriér.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What is this, the league of extraordinarily disgusting gentlemen? [dog growling.]
I tried to warn you, buddy.
It's always the same thing: No fats.
No femmes.
No freaks.
No fleabaggers.
And you, my clotted cream cronut, are three out of four.
Welcome to troll town, Mary.
[screams.]
I ain't no troll.
Do you mind if I masturbate while you do that? Boo-boo, hand us some poppers.
Aah.
You yuck-faces are depressing as hell.
Part this sea of gnarliness.
I'm going to get my property.
Oh, darling, you can rent by the hour or lease by the year, but you can never, ever own.
Oh, we'll see about that, 'cause I'm getting back in there.
No.
You're going to take on Cathedral? That's right, white grimace.
Those stuck-up fools are the worst people in the world.
- Let us help you.
- Oh, please.
We're talking about storming a night club.
I don't think y'all can handle it.
Oh, honey.
I survived stonewall, Anita Bryant, two bushes and one bitch of a virus.
I can handle anything.
All right, trolls.
We're taking this joint back, straight up attica-style.
Oh, yes! The last time I was behind bars was 1967, I was the stage manager for Fortune and men's eyes, three glorious months at the coronet.
I'll tell you, every day with Sal Mineo was a blessing.
This is the weirdest crew that I have ever run with.
Now let us pray.
Dear god, please help us take back your house from these "homosensuals," so that these other homosensuals can have a fun night, too, as they are your children as well.
Also, if you bless me with the power to fly, I will spread your word across the planet and help solve mysteries.
A to the men.
aah Yeah.
Is this shit really happening? - Hell, yeah, it is.
- Awesome.
What's wrong, baby? Nothing.
Keep going.
- Damn! - Are you crying? - No.
It's just, it smells like - What, it smells like what? Oh, shit! Now I remember.
Jenny Wolinsky! You're "onion pussy!" You're an asshole, just like all the others! No, no, wait! Baby, baby, come back! I can hold my breath.
- Hands! - Whoa.
[whistle blowing.]
[music.]
Hey, who is this? - We got a toucher! - That guy right there.
- Hey, that's our song! - Hell, yeah, it is! - And that's the other one.
- Hey, homie.
Look out! Hey, latex lady.
I've got to bounce.
I told you that song was fire, dog.
Tight track, for sure, bro, but gimps and rapists aren't really what the label is looking for right now.
Go, go, go! Get out of here! Step aside, V-neck.
I'm coming through.
You and what army? Hey, wait! [groaning.]
[laughing.]
Out of my way, sweetcakes.
Judy baby, this one's for you! [coughing.]
- These drinks are on me! - Ew! [screaming.]
Ooh.
[chuckling.]
There you are, fool.
Come on, let's bounce.
We're going to hit Denny's for a lumberjack slam.
I don't want Denny's.
I wanna keep dancing.
You serious right now? Hunty, this place is done.
There's a sick after-party at Karma.
All the guys are gonna be there.
- Uh, in! - You don't leave until I say you leave.
Now let's leave.
Listen, mister.
This boy doesn't belong to you.
- He belongs to the night.
- Oh, yeah, mini-Miyagi? When I met this fool, he was all teeth, breathed through his mouth, and his enema game was inconsistent at best.
I made him! So, are you coming or what? You know something, bro? I think I finally found me.
And guess what? It's a wonderful thing.
Goodbye, Chozen.
Huzzah, general.
To the victor go the spoils.
How about you turn our threesome into a fourgy? I know you just saw me have an emotional moment right now, and I see that you're trying to prey on my vulnerabilities and shit, but know this Ain't none of you gonna get a chance with a man like me.
- Y'all are repugnant.
- Well, she's in a mood.
Man, I'm done with that scene.
Ain't nothing but a bunch of fussy chumps starving they-selves, drinks all looking like potions.
- Hey, where's Hunter? - Hunter and I are no longer.
Are you cool with that? Goodbye [slow romantic music.]
is the hardest word to say goodbye can make you cry remember the times we shared the time we fell in love the years we spent together goodbye See, the thing with Hunter is dude don't really understand what it means to be in a relationship.
Bottom-line: I was tired of his childish ways.
I'm sorry, man.
[sniffing.]
Why the hell you smell like funyuns? Woo-hoo-hoo.
Hey, do you remember that Jenny chick from high school? Shut up, Rick.
It's a dumb story.
What the hell? Yo, that's our track! No one leaves mistress.
[whip.]
- Get in! - I gotta go.
You worthless puke! You think you're a man? You're nothing! - You're less than - That reminds me, I gotta call my girl.
Sit! [phone buzzing.]
[beeps.]
"Toshi look fat as hell.
"