Chozen (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

The Battle of Broken Spear

1 - Yo, man, is that you? - You know it, brother.
That was my first year at the Spear.
- Nice perm! - No.
Au natural, my man.
The follicles of youth.
That afternoon, I fell in love with a biker named Rhonda, who gripped a cinder block between her tits.
- But why would she do that? - Because she could, Crisco.
She was an artist.
You gonna tell her not to do it? Hey, Tracy, maybe I could give you like a massage, you know? Ah, I think I'm good.
Yo, if you offerin' up massages, my bat wings are sore as hell.
- Naw, it's ladies only, dog.
- Sexist.
Troy, bring them healing hands over here.
I was just about to whip up a mean batch of mango daiquiris.
No, sir, you're not! No pussy drinks in my R.
- There it is! - It's beautiful.
This is like our shining moment.
I feel like Dorothy about to enter Oz with them three assholes.
Can't nothin' stop us now! Everyone, just stay calm.
Remember, if the cop asks, the kidney under the bathroom sink is definitely not human.
It's not a human's kidney! Ask and the Lord shall provide.
Hail, satan.
1x10 - The Battle of Broken Spear Damn! This place looks like a less sexy Mad Max.
What's happenin', my man? Lookin' to get my boys set up here.
Looks like you're playing two sets.
First is in an hour.
The other's at seven.
Here are your badges.
Aw, hell yeah! Restricted access, bro.
Next! Check, check, check, tee, tee, ta, ta, chi, chi, ta, ta, sibilance, sibilance.
Here it is, fellas.
My promise to you fulfilled.
Gotta give it up, bro.
This feels pretty good.
Yeah, just like that one Christmas when Santa came.
I was a good boy that year.
Hoo! Everybody calm down.
I think there's gotta be like a hundred people out there.
I mean, like, for sure, double digits.
Yo, get out there - and start collecting e-mail address - Oh, yeah no.
I'm just gonna find a spot near the stage.
Good luck, you guys.
Look, we been through a lot.
And yes, most of it has sucked, but that changes now.
That is some corny shit.
Phantasm? What the hell you doin' here? Hold up.
You playin' right now? - Didn't you read the posters? - I am not a detail-oriented man.
I am a big picture dude.
What's up, Ricky? Crisco? Ain't seen you around in a minute.
Word on the street is y'all makin' animal balloons.
We was grindin', man.
Did what we had to do.
Yeah, so why don't you get the hell out of our tent? Whoa! Whoa! I'm sensin' some anger here.
I just wanted to stop by and wish my boys good luck - on their first real show.
- We ain't yo' boys.
Fair enough.
I see you're still upset about the whole prison situation.
But before I go, I just want to say one thing.
- What? - Mmm.
You'll see.
- What did he say? - The hell if I know.
Maybe it's his new catchphrase or some shit.
Yo, forget that fool.
It's time for us to handle our business.
- Shall we destroy? - Hell, yeah! - Let's do it! - Aw, yeah! Yo, what's goin' on, Broken Spears party people? Y'all stayin' cool out there? Give it up for Chozen! Aw, yeah! What's good, people? Ow! Goddamn! Cockswing.
Phillip Cullens.
Hey, uh oh, wait, um can I just get a second? Cullens! Cockswing.
Hey, these guys suck! - Boo! - You suck! Boo! Boo! I'm not gonna lie.
Management is pretty pissed off.
I told them you didn't have your service dog, so they're gonna let us play the second show.
Now, Tracy, you're gonna have to find us a purebred huskie with two different-colored eyes.
Please stop asking shit of me that's not gonna happen.
- Phil, are you all right? - I had Phantasm all up in my brain.
And then, I saw a little asian girl cryin' and a scary wolf.
And the asshole who sounded like Professor Snape.
- Sounds like an anxiety attack.
- Don't be ridiculous! - Phantasm hit me with a voodoo curse! - It's not voodoo.
Yes, it is! I seen some Haitians in Phantasm's crew.
Seems like he triggered something deep in your subconscious mind.
- Will you be okay for the next show? - Let me check.
Nope! I'm still full blown busey.
Sounds like we're gonna have to get inside that noggin.
Lucky for you, I know a way in.
A sacred tradition passed down from the Lakota Sioux to Iron Maiden's private chef to me.
And now, I am passing it onto Chozen.
Every time something gets passed onto me, I end up having to apply cream for six weeks.
Come on, man.
Tonight's our last chance.
We've come too far to back up now.
You're gonna do this shit! If I die out there, I want a coffin that looks like an air Jordan shoebox.
And I want the priest to be Bokeem Woodbine.
- Okay.
- Also, I want Mom to throw herself - on the coffin like a idiot.
- That sounds beautiful.
Shit, I ain't never seen him choke like that before.
Yeah, he looked like my Uncle Chavo right before he had his seizures.
Okay, as much as I love talking about the medical history of Ricky's extended family and just Ricky, in general, I think I'm gonna go check out the festival.
You know, a cold brewskie would really hit the spot.
- Am I right? - No doubt.
Somebody's gotta lug that gear back to the R.
If you see something, say something.
Get this damn camel the hell out of my Bedouin tent.
He's eating all the figs and spooking my leopard.
Look at him hidin'.
You want me to get him, boss? No.
He'll come out when he's ready.
Hey, Phantasm! You're just a big bully! You had no right to ruin Chozen's big chance! No right! News flash! Chozen can't be broken.
Double news flash! He's gonna kill it tonight.
Well, we'll see about that.
Yes! We will see.
He's on a spirit quest right now.
And he's going to come back stronger than ever.
- Ridiculous.
- My aunt did one of those things.
She came back, lost 40 pounds, met a good man with a job.
Really? Is that what miss Phyllis did? Because, hey, she looks great.
- Mm-hmm.
- You think a spirit quest could help me quit it with the cigarettes? - Maybe.
- Shut up about the damn spirit quest! See, you know it's going to work.
With the forces of the ancients behind him and the beats in this backpack, there's nothing you can do to stop him.
So all the beats are just right there in that bag? Yeah, and oh.
Perhaps I said too much.
Ey, yo, Jimmy, when we gonna enter the 36 chambers of our mind because this is starting to feel like we just walkin' on the sun.
There he is! Rooster Cogburn.
Always at attention, pointin' the way.
Been a long time, old friend.
Thank god, yo.
I'm thirsty as hell.
- What are you doin'? - Patience, kemosabe.
Jackpot! Yo, from now on, you are in charge of buryin' all my treasure.
A long haul trucker sold this to me.
Legend tells it's the personal side arm of Khun Sa, also known as Chang Chi-fu, ruler of the Golden triangle.
What are those? Jewels? Jewels? No.
They're emeralds.
Here it is.
The ticket to the higher plain.
Pure mescaline.
Take two drops for a wild trip.
Three if you want to go out of your mind.
Or just the whole bottle.
Yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine.
- Tres cervesas, please.
- It's cool.
This one's on me.
Oh, thanks, Ricky.
- Hey, hot shot, it's 36 bucks.
- Aw, word? Yeah, that's a real good deal.
Hey, Tracy, sometimes, when people drink beers, it lowers their hibitions, and they kiss people that they usually think are, like, weird, and they just let it happen.
Um, mmm.
I think I'm gonna go get a pretzel.
Dude, you gotta stop tryin' so hard.
You creepin' her out.
Naw, dog, I'm wearin' her down until she falls in love with me and shit.
It's called "the Stockholm syndrome.
" Look, bro, you've gotta build a base.
Be friends first.
Help her build an IKEA desk.
Set up her wi-fi network.
Stuff like that.
- And that shit works? - I've used that move six times.
One of those times, full sex.
- What about the other five? - A gentleman never tells.
- Ey! There he is! - Assassin's Creed is bullshit! No, no, no, no! Eat my dick, fratboy! I don't think these drugs are workin'.
Don't fight it, brother.
Just let them in.
What do you see? Sha-zam! Self-discovery.
Such a beautiful thing.
So this is how it began.
What up, Bubonic? You'll be safe in here, Ryan Gosling.
- High noon, fat boy.
- Finally, I win! Eat it, bitch! Oh, it never ends! Biggie, Tupac, Bruce Lee holy shit! What are y'all doin' up in my mental mind? - We makin' s'mores, partner.
- With butterfingers.
Also, we're your spirit guides.
Congratulations on making it this far.
Tupac, I got one question, touchy subject.
- It's about suge knight.
- Aw, shit.
Here we go.
Does he indeed have a stargate between Earth and the afterlife that has enabled you to release tracks post-humanly? I ain't sayin' "yes," but I ain't sayin' "no" either.
Aw, more mysteries.
I love it.
So, how's this work? You have one last obstacle to overcome.
Somethin' in the deepest regions of your mind.
No, no, no, no.
I'm talkin' about the s'mores.
See, the butterfingers keep squirtin' out.
The final trial awaits.
You think you got what it takes? Now, why you gotta put the door so far away? I trained with Floyd Mayweather.
We also business partners in a rescue for white tigers.
- Hashtag, money team.
- Now, you just stay back! Ew! Hello.
I winter in the mountains of China with Ra's Al Ghul.
He's not even real.
Everybody knows that.
No shit.
Liam Neeson just likes it when I call him that.
You touch me and I'll sue! I ain't gonna touch you, homey.
But Black and Blue got minds of they own.
Feel me? Unhand me! No! A goddamn spellin' bee? I was expectin' somethin' challengin' like American Ninja Warrior or Iron Chef.
Phillip Cullens.
Your word is "coxswain.
" "Cockswing.
" C-o-c-k-s-w-i-n-g.
"Cockswing!" That is incorrect! Idris Florentine.
" Also pronounced "coxon.
" C-o-x s-w-a-i-n.
" Correct! This is it? This is what broke my brain? Oh, yeah.
Hey, little man.
Come on, don't sweat it.
Ain't no right or wrong when it comes to spellin'.
But I lost.
I let everybody down.
And I peed my pants.
I hate to break it to you, but this isn't the last time you gonna do either of those things.
But if you never try, the haters win.
Oh, shit! Yo, that's the life lesson! All that matters is me.
Hey, can I ask you somethin' about the future? No, we don't have hover boards yet.
No, not that.
Do we become famous rappers? We about to be.
Ooh, cool.
You're awake.
I was about to put this in your eyeball.
Come on, man.
Get in.
This shit will be fun.
Naw, I wanna spend some time with Tracy.
Like that friendship stuff, that's really working.
Whoo! Go, Crisco! Go, Crisco! Hold up.
I'm seein' some loose bolts and Hey, Ricky, get me out of this shit! Today has been awesome! We should all hang out more.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you said that.
- Of course.
- Oh.
You've got a little you mean, like, right here? Yes.
- Tracy? - Kai? What are you doing here? Uh, teaching a hacky sack seminar.
Let's get outta here.
Oh, sorry, Ricky, thanks for the great day.
- Where's Tracy? - Yeah, she got back with her boyfriend.
And by the way, your system sucks.
Artist emergency! Make way! Divide yourselves unto me.
Good news, everybody! I have broken the hold Phantasm had upon my brain and chakras.
I shall now tear up this goddamn stage.
- Yeah, but Phantasm smashed the laptop.
- Son of a bitch! I tried my hardest to stop him, but I'm only one man.
Still part boy actually.
Just a stun little boy.
Are you ready to meet your god? - What's the move, cochise? - I'mma do me.
- Evenin', Baker.
- Jimmy! I knew this day would come.
What? You think I wouldn't find you? Um, we're running out of time.
Close them.
- Jimmy, come on.
- A lot of time has passed, and I'm willing to forget about what happened - in that creek bed back in Albuquerque.
- Whoa.
What's the catch? Let my man here ride the boards for the show.
And Baker, you best be leavin' while I'm be-feelin' the generous.
That is mighty big of you, Jimmy.
Hey, man, I'll see you on the other side.
And don't you forget, nothing's every gonna bring back Douglas! Don't wanna dig too deep into that one.
Do y'all love me? Do ya'll Somebody's gettin' fired tonight.
What do I do? I want to sound cool! I don't want to sound Uh oh, hello.
- Hurry up! - Put your hands up and drop it like it's hot, please? For the greatest M.
of our generation Chozen! What up, y'all? Who are you? Get off the stage! Ain't nobody here to see you, biscuit-head.
- You smell that? - Yeah.
Smells like a rap battle to me.
You all want to see me battle Phantasm? So, he scared y'all.
Phantasm's a straight bitch.
Get him, Phil! Come on, son.
Let me show you how my cock swings.
You want to battle? You got one! Yo look at this bitch boy, steppin' to a king I put him in the box 'fore he step into the ring I'm reppin' for the hard cores you're reppin' for the queens I've been ballin' like Lebron ever since I left the team you on my stage like you some sort of pretty cat by the way, Katy Perry wants her titties back no need to check, bro, he nothin' but a freak show now, you tryin' to clown Phanto no, I don't think so Welcome to the murder of a myth a plastic ass trick big Chozen got a murder with a gift don't make me put the burner on your lips don't make me have to serve you with some Ike and Tina Turner, that's a hit get a back hand, I'm perfect when I spit y'all see us both in person but I'm the only person with a dick new version of this shit that's out to take your riches you know who dyes their hair blond? basic bitches yo, now you workin' on my last nerve I'm through with your ass, I'm about to get the last word a shoe in your ass, you about to have your last turd class, take a look at his ass - # when will his ass learn # - Shh! you hear that? You lost the crowd you chokin' on a smoke cloud, get you coughin' now it's the return of the realest I should off you now ain't nobody got love for ya you a foster child Suck it, Phanto! Is that what you losers want? This goddamn freak show? Y'all don't deserve Phantasm.
I'm bigger than all you bitches! I'm bigger than this festival! Shit! I'm bigger than hip hop! Ain't nothin' bigger than hip hop! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Chozen! Here, my friend, you have a gun now.
If anyone ever gives you shit again, you can murder them.
Oh, yeah! Y'all want some mo'? Oh, boy.