Chuck s02e07 Episode Script

Chuck Versus the Fat Lady

CHUCK: Hi, I'm Chuck.
Here are few things that you might need to know.
CHUCK: Jill.
-There is no scenario in which you should be going to dinner with the girl that broke your heart.
Well, your cover girlfriend, won't she be jealous? Our relationship's a cover, you know.
There's nothing to be jealous about.
-Chuck, this is my boss, Guy LaFleur.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
BECKMAN: Ml6 has reports that he may have developed a bioweapon which he plans to sell to the highest bidder.
The assassin Walker shot was a member of Fulcrum.
If Jill knows something, they may make a play.
[BEEPS] The sensor will be blind for 20 seconds.
Welcome to the world of international espionage.
Very handy for picnics.
I have to say, I still can't wrap my head around the idea of you as a spy.
-You never told me how that happened.
Well, you don't choose your profession, Jill.
The right job chooses you.
Still, never would've guessed it.
How about you soak up this romantic view? Yeah, real romantic.
What? This is the Buy More roof.
What you're smelling now, that is rarified air that very few people get to experience.
Not to mention the fact that there aren't a lot of places I can go that are not under constant surveillance.
The government finds me very very valuable.
I can't say that I blame them.
[CAMERA WHIRRING] You gotta be kidding me.
Just wait.
Hold on.
Give me a break.
Are you kidding me? I've got her here, we're having some food.
-Casey, is that necessary? How much trouble can he get into on a date? It's Bartowski.
Pretty nonchalant about your boyfriend trying to browse someone else's network.
Well, I am just his cover girlfriend.
Chuck's entitled to a real one.
Major Casey, Agent Walker.
I have the intel on your new mission, but it'll require unorthodox reconnaissance.
Turns out our deceased Dr.
Guy LaFleur obtained a list of CIA code names for the agents he worked with.
We believe it's a list of Fulcrum operatives.
This may be our only chance to find the corrupt agents within our ranks.
Where's the list now? It's hidden in Guy's hotel room at the Waldron.
We have to get that list before Fulcrum does.
Take the Intersect in off-the-record and see if he can flash.
Perhaps Chuck can find where the list is hidden.
You want us to break into a government-controlled crime scene? [SCOFFS] It's the FBI.
How hard can it be? [COMPUTER BEEPING] SARAH: Bogey at 5.
I'll handle this.
A camera on the roof? Because of the terrorist activity on top of the Buy More? Okay, Casey may have been a little aggressive.
-But we just received our new mission.
-Already? Tomorrow, we're gonna break into LaFleur's hotel.
We think he might have a list of the Fulcrum agents blackmailing him.
Okay, uh, can we talk tomorrow? Because I have Jill waiting in the car.
-Of course.
-Okay, thanks.
Uh, Chuck? Is everything all right? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Why do you ask? Or is this some spy thing, some psych evaluation or something like that? It's a friend thing.
I just wanna make sure you're okay.
Yeah, I'm great.
Being with Jill is.
It's like having my old life back, you know.
Not to bash on our cover but I'd forgotten what it's like to be with someone who knows the real me.
Well, from everything I've seen, she seems like a great girl.
If you could see a little less, maybe ease up on the whole Chuck Bartowski Yeah, I'll talk to Casey.
You deserve your privacy, Chuck.
Thank you.
[BELL RINGS] CHUCK: So Sarah said there's gonna be an easing up on the Chuck surveillance.
You're an asset.
Your personal life has to take a back seat.
We tried.
You have a camera in the car too.
How many second chances you get with the one who got away? Plus she already knows I'm a, you know.
I'm not even interested in my own feelings.
Keep your mind on the mission.
We leave in 10.
Hey, Chuck.
Morning, John.
Canada has just delivered its most delightful gift since Shania Twain.
Behold the Q-36 game copier.
Check it out.
Now all we do is rent a game, rip it.
And we never have to pay for our entertainment again.
Yeah, Big Mike's gonna be thrilled seeing as how we sell video games.
Dude, this thing can ignore all forms of copy protection.
It can copy anything.
Highly illegal.
What's illegal, gentlemen? Gonna smoke some weed on your lunch break? A little reefer? Ganja? I have heard the loading dock is like a Five For Fighting concert.
[CHUCKLES] So fierce.
Chuck, can I see you in my office, please? Uh, sorry, Emmett, can't.
Gotta go.
Oh, really? Where? It's an offsite install.
It's probably gonna take a while.
So see you.
[GROANS] JILL: You're going to a hotel tonight with your cover girlfriend? Well, uh, you know, I mean, if it's any comfort overnight missions normally involve Casey and a whole lot of firearms.
So nothing romantic about it.
JILL: So, what's this Sarah like? Is she pretty? Um.
Well, I could understand how a typical heterosexual male might find her aesthetically pleasing.
If someone were to ask me: "Chuck, technically, objectively, do you find your CIA handler attractive?" then I might say, "Technically, objectively sure.
" Uh-huh.
And all those missions you go on, it's not exciting and romantic.
You've got it all wrong, babe.
There is nothing about this job that's glamorous or sexy.
All right.
CHUCK: Was it absolutely necessary for you to dress like a--? -An escort? -Yeah, yeah, an escort.
And why exactly is Mr.
Carmichael paying you to have sex with me? Him.
The Waldron is notorious for its businessmen and their trysts.
It's our cover, so sell it.
Wonder how much that costs.
CASEY: I've got the security feed.
Looks like the FBI has Guy's room on lockdown.
We won't be asking permission before we slip in.
We'll just enter through the ventilation system.
Hey, hey.
How long is this gonna take? What the matter, Bartowski? You got a date? Actually, yes.
-You okay? Why don't you just call ahead and let them know we're coming? Sorry.
-Just trying to figure -what time I'll be home.
-Do the cover math.
How long would it take for a businessman to have sex with a prostitute? CHUCK: Stupid phone.
[RINGING] -Hello? CHUCK [OVER PHONE]: Sarah, you think it shouldn't take us more than an hour to have sex from start to finish? SARAH [OVER PHONE]: Uh-huh.
And begin.
What--? What am I--? What am I doing wrong here? Well, just move your hips a little to the left.
Whoa, what? Okay.
This is more exhausting than I thought.
SARAH: We can't race through it.
Wait, your knees aren't hurting? Do you go to school to learn how to do this? Hey, how are you? Hello, Emmett.
I was just coming in here to get a snack.
Oh, you do not need a snack.
Morgan, I want you to imagine for a moment that Buy More is a country.
How did you know? -I've thought about it for years.
-This is fantastic.
Now imagine that all its employees are the states that make up this great nation.
-Yeah, I can dig it.
-And, view if you will one of these states is looking to secede from the union.
-Whoa, dude, wait a minute.
You're questioning Chuck's patriotism towards Buymoria? No.
I don't see receipts for all the offsite installs he does.
What is he into, Morgan? Uppers, glue, a baby mama? Dude, you are out of your mind.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm so far out of my mind that I've gotten myself all crawled up inside of yours.
Let's see.
This could be grounds for deportation from Buymoria.
-You wouldn't.
-Help me, Morgan.
Help me help Chuck.
Chuck doesn't need our help.
No matter what you say, afternoon guard duty's boring.
MAN: Yeah, sure is.
What are you doing up there? CHUCK: Help.
It's the FBI.
They're dumb, not deaf.
MAN: Yeah.
Hey, hey.
MAN: And then she dumps me.
Didn't expect to see you today.
Well, never get a day off when you need it.
Shh, shh, shh.
Does the word "silent" have a different meaning in geek? Sorry.
I thought it was on vibrate.
At least I got the list.
It's a Venetian puzzle box.
Very popular with Renaissance spies.
-It's locked.
-Eh, ba, ba.
The running, jumping, shooting people, that's all you guys.
But the puzzles, that's all me.
See, you think it'd be numerals one through 12 but these boxes is used a complicated Fibonacci sequence.
[BOX UNLOCKS] Now let's see what we got.
-I'll be right back with a containment unit.
-Get it off me! -You clothes.
Get in the shower.
CHUCK: Get it off! -Your pants.
CHUCK: I'm trying.
Okay, okay.
So, so cold.
-Okay, use the soap.
Get the-- Oh, God, sorry.
I'm not trying to-- -Wash your face properly.
-It's my toe.
My toe! In your hair.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] SARAH: Get the door, that's Casey.
We have no time to waste.
CHUCK: Jill? -Chuck.
CHUCK: How'd you--? -The bellman sent me to your room.
I-- I knew it.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's not what you think.
Jill, please, I could be dying.
How long does this thing take? How does Jill pick that moment to walk in? I mean, what are the odds? Does this gives us the antidote? I feel my throat is closing up on me right now.
[GASPING] What is it? Flesh-eating bacteria or anthrax? -Am I gonna die? -Nope.
But you can give it to little kids to sell on street corners.
I knew it.
-It's powdered fruit punch, dumb-ass.
Wait, so not only did we not get the Fulcrum list but Jill's never gonna speak to me again because she caught me rinsing off fruit punch with another woman? Common spy problem.
Really? [SIGHS] I don't know what to tell you.
Oh, of course you do, Lester.
You've worked very closely with Charles for years.
Perhaps I've overstated our relationship.
We don't socialize much.
In fact, I've felt slighted on more than one occasion.
Oh, good.
Then you won't have a problem ratting him out.
Ha, ha, I've no ethical dilemma, I just don't know anything.
-Then who does? -Jeff.
I would ask Jeff.
I don't rat.
Only thing my mother taught me from the joint.
You want answers? Talk to the Injun.
"Injun" is a term referring to Native Americans not East Indians, cretin.
-Grab a shiv and make your move.
He's in "prison mode.
" Shut up.
I guess I haven't made myself clear.
You both host an unsanctioned card game in this break room.
You give me something on Bartowski or no more poker night.
-Chuck's cheating on his lady.
We saw him and this brunette bird leaving some joint a couple of nights ago.
-She's not as well-endowed as I would like.
-Come on.
What's her name? Who is she? [SINGING] No more poker No-- Morgan.
You gotta break Morgan.
Chuck tells him everything.
His beard holds so many secrets.
Hey, Jill, it's me again, Chuck.
Lucky message number four.
I totally understand why you're not calling me back.
Because if I saw what you saw, then I'd thinking what you're thinking.
Not that I presume to know what you're thinking.
It's just a logical deduction to what you saw if that's in fact what you're thinking.
Actually, I can explain a lot better than that if you just call me back.
At your earliest convenience.
You gotta give Milbarge something.
If you don't he's not gonna let us have our poker game.
Yeah, don't do it for us, Morgan.
Do it for Buymoria.
So, Grimes, have you thought about our chat this morning? Are you ready to help me help Buymoria? -Yeah, okay, Emmett.
You wanna know where Chuck goes on these service calls? Yes, please.
He goes and he fixes computers and computer-related software.
[SCOFFS] Why do you protect him? -What does Charles have over you? -Um, 23 years of best-friendship.
Oh, please.
I know everything there is to know.
And if you're looking for dirt, well, nothing to say, dude because Chuck Bartowski is the straightest shooter I know.
-Really? -That's right.
You have the bizarre sense of straightest since your besty has two girlfriends.
[SCOFFS] -What you talking about? -Isn’t Bartowski's bimbo blond? I don't know if Sarah's a natural blond.
It's kind of impolite to ask-- [GASPS] -Oh, my God, it's Jill.
-Thank you.
I didn't know its name.
That's-- That's Chuck's old college girlfriend.
Thank you again.
Twice the intelligence I had before.
MORGAN: How could he not have told me? Oh, you can have your poker game now.
And do not worry.
I will not tell Bartowski that his best buddy was the weak link.
Jill, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for coming, Jill.
I appreciate it.
You have three seconds to convince me what I saw wasn't what I saw.
Uh, that's gonna be a little tough.
I can't get into specifics without you having to know top-secret government.
We broke into Guy's room and we found this box.
But when we opened it, it sprayed stuff.
What you saw were two people trying to wash off poison but really turned out to be powdered fruit punch.
See? There, simple.
Do you believe me? -What kind of fruit punch? -Okay, now you're just messing with me.
-No, no.
Chuck, I believe you.
-Really? Ha, ha.
I was listening to what I just said.
I sounded completely ridiculous.
Guy was crazy paranoid.
You couldn't open an e-mail without solving a puzzle first.
If he cared, he would have hidden it.
Maybe the fruit punch was a clue.
We have to go somewhere.
But before we do how do you feel about blindfolds? -Just forget it.
All right.
-You brought her here? Oh, okay-- It's not a secret location if you invite people over.
Okay, but Jill here-- Jill knows about Guy's puzzles.
They found two dead FBI agents in LaFleur's room.
Now's not the time to be planning game night.
Would you tell them what you told me about how the fruit punch might be a clue? JILL: Guy's paranoia manifested itself in obscure ways.
Odd literary references, mathematical proofs.
The log-on for his computer was a random piece of Vogon poetry.
What do you think the fruit punch might mean? What kind of fruit punch was it? -Uh, I guess traditional fruit punch.
You guess? Please tell me you got the exact formula.
Okay, um.
Is there a mass spectrometer around? CHUCK: Casey, get the spectrometer.
Do we have one of those? I see what the boy sees in her, huh? Now we compare the crystal powder's chemical composition to a list of known products.
It's, um, Rootin' Raspberry-flavored Hi-C.
Rootin' Raspberry.
Maybe it has to do with the football team or cheerleaders? What about international waters? High seas.
That's good, that's good.
Wait, guys.
This is a music box.
It's a music box.
It's not high sea, S-E-A.
It's high C, like a musical note.
High C.
Where's a pitch-pipe when you need one? [SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Ah.
-What? -Choir boy.
What? I wasn't hatched.
-Check it out.
SARAH: Those are opera glasses.
Actually, they're not.
This is a key.
A key to a very super-secret lockbox.
The Culper Ring used to use stuff like that during the Revolutionary War days.
-Chuck, that's impressive.
CASEY: Yeah, nice going there, brainiac.
But before getting all full of yourself, if this is the key, where's the lock? The question, my dear Casey, is where is the opera? [SINGING OPERA MUSIC] You're not concerned to involve a civilian in a covert government investigation? Ah, the girl's personal knowledge of Guy LaFleur makes her of use to us.
You sure you're not just jealous Bartowski's found himself a new piece of asset? Ah, where's that doofus? JILL: Guy loved the opera.
Here's his family's box.
Not bad.
You really feel like you're on top of the action.
-How do you know what you're looking for? -Oh, well.
It'll match the other end of this key.
You know, something.
Like this.
Shall we see what we got? Bingo.
CHUCK: Hey, we got it.
CASEY: We'll be out in a minute.
We're trying to rehearse.
This is a quick, quick minute.
You know, government stuff.
Watch out.
[BEEPING] Casey, that's a bomb.
Rehearsal's over.
Everyone out of here.
SARAH: Come on, Chuck, let's go.
-This doesn't make sense.
Guy wanted to help people, not hurt them.
This is a clue.
If it looks like a bomb and it ticks like a bomb, then it's a bomb.
This is a puzzle we have to solve before the timer runs out.
Oh, and what if you're wrong? That doesn't happen.
Look, it's a music thing.
What's the opera? -Verdi's La Traviata.
-How does that go? JILL: Mm-hm.
[HUMMING] -Your dad made you play the flute.
-Let's not bring that up.
Come on, come on.
Get them all out, all of them.
Go, go.
CHUCK: There, move that one.
JILL: Give me that one.
It's not happening.
Let's go.
Chuck, come on.
Jill has yet to be wrong, okay? She says it's not a bomb, I believe her.
-Move that around.
JILL: Hurry up.
CHUCK: No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.
Put that there.
Hurry, Chuck, hurry.
CHUCK: Using this one, put this one over-- JILL: Okay, one more step.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
CHUCK: It's a flash drive.
This must be it.
That's how we do that, huh? -Jill, it was all you.
-No, you, it's all you.
CHUCK: Hey, uh.
All right, um.
I love love, huh? Mm.
BECKMAN: The flash drive containing Guy's list is encrypted using a 512-bit AES cipher.
The computer is trying every possible key against the encrypted data.
When it finds a match we'll have every Fulcrum agent with whom Guy was in contact.
-How long will that take? BECKMAN: Could be hours, days.
Excellent work, you two.
Please, thank the asset for his service.
By the way, where is Chuck? My guess would be rounding second base.
-You were brilliant tonight.
All you.
-No, no.
I can't do this.
-What? Well, you don't have to do a thing.
It's gonna be all me.
That's very gracious of you, but, no-- What I'm saying is that-- I mean, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Wait, hey, come here.
All right.
Buy More tomorrow.
-What time? -Take the latent heat of aquatic fusion.
JILL [OVER MIKE]: In calories per gram? CHUCK [OVER MIKE]: Of course.
And then subtract the atomic number of thulium.
-Got it? -Mm-hm.
CHUCK: Okay, I'll see you.
-Nerd code.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Listen, I need you to cover for me with Emmett today.
-I gotta cut out early.
-I see.
Big night with the lady, huh? Uh, yeah, we're sneaking off for a little romantic getaway.
Oh, how sweet.
So you and Sarah are taking a little trip together, huh? Yeah.
We're-- Oh, just save it, Pinocchio.
I know you're seeing Jill.
You what? You-- How do you--? You know about Jill? Apparently, I'm the last one to know too.
Milbarge knows about it.
This is Jill.
I spent months helping you get over her.
Look, Chuck, we're best friends.
But if you're not telling me about this, what else aren't you telling me? I'm so sorry, buddy.
I really am.
Trust me, there is so much I wish that I could tell you but I, you know, can't.
You've never lied to me before.
So just trust my judgment on this, okay? [PHONE VIBRATING] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.
Can you cover me? Of course, man, because we're best friends.
That's what best friends do.
They lie for each other.
But they don't lie to each other, that's all.
Got it.
Trust me, and thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna grab some turkey jerky inside.
You want anything? Uh.
Oh, water and some gummy bears.
Coming right up.
SARAH: Have you heard from Chuck? No.
I'll do a GPS search on his watch.
[SIGHS] Hmm.
Twerp's gone off-grid.
[TIRES SQUEAL] -Hey, no gummy bears so I hope you like-- JILL: Chuck, help! -Jill.
MAN: That's close enough.
-You have something that belongs to me.
-What? No, this? No, no, no, I paid for this, but you can have it.
Just let the girl go, then you can tell me what you've lost.
-Maybe I can help you find it.
-Bring me LaFleur's list or the girl dies.
Opera house.
-They took her.
-Where the hell have you been? Some guy took Jill.
He said if I didn't bring him Guy's list, he's gonna kill her.
-That's not gonna happen.
-Yeah, I'm gonna bring him the list.
-No, you're not.
He'll kill her either way.
-What? No.
That can't happen.
Please, Casey, will you please help me? [SIGHS] No.
I gotta call Washington and report this.
You stay right here.
Don't move.
You've done enough damage already.
General, we have a situation.
Wait! Stop him.
Walker, shoot him.
SARAH: Chuck, freeze! Don't move.
-If you try to take that, I have to stop you.
-Sarah, please, let me go.
This is treason, Bartowski.
CHUCK: Please, just let me go.
CASEY: Shoot him, Walker.
Take him down.
I have to.
It's Jill.
-You could've shot him.
-He's the Intersect.
Is that all he is? You could have at least kneecapped him.
-I have a trace.
He's heading downtown.
-You get the car, I'll get the guns.
Can we dispense with the pillow talk and just do this? -Yeah.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Let her go.
-Not so fast.
You've seen mine, now show me yours.
First I need to know that she's gonna be safe.
That's not how this works.
Hand over the list or I shoot you both.
CASEY: That's not how this works, either.
-Go wait in the car, Chuck.
-Don't move, Chuck.
Stay right where you are.
I have a sharpshooter trained on you.
[GRUNTS] [SCREAMING] [GUN COCKS] -Now I have the sniper.
-I still have the advantage.
Somebody give me the list or I shoot Chuck.
Go ahead and shoot him.
I was thinking about shooting him myself.
That's a great-- What are you, crazy? How about nobody shoots Chuck? I'm not Sarah, Chuck.
You give him that list and I will end your miserable existence.
-Would you rather I shoot the girl? -Please don't.
Just point the gun back at me, please.
Go ahead, shoot the girl.
Collateral damage is unavoidable.
It's always avoidable.
Look, I have it, okay? -Here it is.
Right here, here's the list.
Look, you got a better plan? I'm not okay with collateral damage.
Here you go.
Here's your list of all the Fulcrum agents.
Well, Mr.
Casey Fulcrum would rather you not know who we have inside the government.
-The show must go on.
-Now, Sarah! Okay.
Hey, hey, you're okay.
You're okay.
I'm so sorry.
He's gone, he's gone.
It's all over.
-You're okay, Jill.
You're okay.
JILL: I am now.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You okay? You okay? You okay? You okay? Okay.
I'm so sorry.
MORGAN: Yeah, poker night.
All I had to do was rat out my best friend.
I saw that, Grimes.
Oh, don't worry.
Ha, ha.
What's a card game without a couple of brewskis? And by couple, do you mean 14? [POPS] Oh, God.
[GRUNTS] I won't forget the loyalty, Grimes.
Tonight we drink, tomorrow Bartowski gets his.
MORGAN: Whatever, dude.
-Beer? -Oh, no.
I brought my own.
-Tastes like high school.
LESTER: Donkeys wild.
Let's go.
Gonna put the poker in strip poker.
Let's play it out, boys.
Let's play it out.
SARAH: Are you sure you're okay? JILL: I think so.
-Is this a normal day at the office for you? -Yeah, except Casey doesn't usually sing.
I'm gonna have you arrested for crimes against your country.
Take you to Gitmo, hang you by your fingernails.
I appreciate the threats, I really do.
But can I explain? Explain? You gave away classified intel to the enemy.
We're never gonna know the identities of those agents.
Ye of little faith.
Casey, come on, buddy.
Do you really think that I would give that guy the list to destroy before I made myself a copy? -Hey-- CHUCK: Q-36 game copier.
Thankfully, Morgan is too cheap and unethical to pay for his own video game.
Canada's greatest gift since Shania Twain.
Thank you for saving my life.
I'm sorry for not trusting you with Chuck.
You wanna pay me back? Don't hurt him again.
I won't.
I wouldn't.
I care about Chuck.
Me too.
It's my job to protect him.
From anything.
-Hey, Emmett.
-Oh, stop screaming.
A little too much fun last night, huh, pal? Oh, I should never gone for that second fuzzy navel.
That wine cooler had 4 percent alcohol.
I know, I know.
I tell you what, though.
Let's talk about it in my office.
This way.
I wanted to talk to you about a little technique we developed that worked wonders during the Harry Tang years.
Can we talk about this some other time? You see, Buymoria is a country governed by law.
But occasionally, a vigilante hero has to rise and take that law into his own hands to protect the country that he loves.
This is from last night.
After poker.
[EMMETT LAUGHING ON TV] [AS BIG MIKE] I'm Big Mike! What you doing here, Emmett? Is that you in Big Mike's office after hours? That's weird because I thought that was off-limits, even to you.
I didn't go six years to community college to assistant manage a bunch of register jockeys.
Oh, man, you do not look good.
Now, I know that we're countrymen and all.
But I hate to have to run this up the flagpole.
-You wouldn't.
-Damn right, I would.
If you don't call off the witch hunt for Chuck, this goes public.
Understand? Good.
Viva Buymoria.
EMMETT [OVER TV]: Tastes like high school.
[VOMITS] Okay, computer is back up.
It's decoding the list.
Just a matter of time before we learn the identities of Fulcrum's agents.
Hey, yeah, hey.
That's fine.
I wasn't gonna pack that one, anyway.
Oh, wait.
Hey, no, the hotel's booked.
So we should probably go if we gonna beat traffic.
Or we could get the weekend started now.
Uh, but what about the? Oh, I have some spy moves of my own.
-Gonna do this again? -You know what? He had a big day today.
How about we give him a little break, huh? [GRUMBLES] Decryption key has been found.
[COMPUTER BEEPS] Safe at last.