Clarence US (2014) s01e46 Episode Script
Breehn Ho
1 [Remote clicks.]
[up-beat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [slow-tempo music plays.]
Clarence: # Fiddle diddle dee, I'm a pirate, you see # Sumo: # Fiddle diddle doo, I eats pirate stew # Plunge to the depths of the pirate sea My captain, my first mate, the ocean, and me High chance of heavy flooding rain in Aberdale.
It's highly recommended to keep small children and cats inside.
So, now everybody put your cards on your foreheads, and we take turns asking questions [giggling.]
.
to figure out who you are.
[door closes.]
Good afternoon, my good neighbor-mates.
Jeff honey, your friends are here.
Hey, I saw your face on a bench.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Great observation, son.
That was me.
[laughs.]
I'm "nutters for clean gutters.
" [thunder rumbles.]
Why does it say "Philicya Rashad" on your head? Clarence, the cards have to be secret.
Oh, a secret.
Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, Karl Marx.
Jeff, your friends are waiting! Ahoy, mateys.
You guys ready? Both: Aye aye, my good shipmate.
Then let's play.
Pirate announcer: "Thirty days and seven seas.
" Okay, lads.
We're finally gonna get past the Kraken.
Yeah, it always eats us.
It's starting to tick me off.
Oh, boy! I hope we can beat him! Aah! - What the heck, Breehn?! - When did you get here? Guys, I-I've been here the whole time.
My parents are on a family fun cruise, so Jeff graciously invited me to your game night.
I know.
I know.
I can be a bit of a stickler sometimes.
But for tonight, I'm ready to let loose.
Plus I brought "Limbo rooster.
" [rooster crows.]
Uh, no offense, but we usually play this game with the three of us.
A fourth might be I don't know weird.
I also brought my favorite snack that my mom hates.
Ooh, cheezarinos! - [muffled.]
Kid can stay.
- Thank you, Sumo.
Hey, Breehn, can I sit on the bean bag chair? Um, I usually sit there when we play.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry.
- Okay, everyone settled? Then let's play.
Argh! Choose your characters.
Jeff: I'm Captain Black Hook Burroughs, Feared captain of the high seas.
House rules captain gets plus 3 wisdom.
Sumo: Crusty Pete, master gunner.
Chaotic neutral.
I'm Mr.
Tobias J.
Tobias.
I make the food.
Um, I'm the Pirate Breehn pirate.
Your name is the Pirate Breehn? Uh, that's great.
The Pirate Breehn.
[chuckles.]
I-I have to go to the bathroom.
Tobias, Crusty Pete, you need to go to the bathroom, too.
What?! No, I don't! Yes, you do.
I can see you squirming.
The Pirate Breehn? That's a terrible name.
I'm sorry, guys.
I thought he was gonna be able to play this better.
- I don't know.
Who cares? - Captain Black Hook? I was thinking I also want to play as the mermaid on the front of the boat.
That's not a playable character, Mr.
Tobias.
- But she's beautiful.
- Okay, you can play as her, also, but it won't have any effect on the game.
Yes! - Where did Breehn go? - I'm right here, guys.
Great! Now that we're all here house rules captain rolls first.
Set sail! Clear skies, move full roll.
[bell tolls.]
A sail comes loose, sending you off course.
- And then I climb up and, uh, fix it.
- Well done, Mr.
Tobias.
Move ahead three.
A beautiful woman emerges from the sea, singing an enchanting song.
Fire cannons! [cannon fires.]
- Critical hit.
- Move ahead 5 spaces.
Avast, mateys! Marauders are attacking! [muffled.]
Fire cannons! - I uh - Boom! [gasps.]
It's a hit.
[gasps.]
A vicious marauder swings aboard your ship.
Engage battle timer! I attack him with my pistol.
[gun cocks, fires.]
And the Pirate Breehn misses.
Aw, dang.
The marauder sends the Pirate Breehn flying overboard.
Move back two knots.
Next time, use your cutlass.
- It's better at close range.
- Oh.
I use my rope to pull up the Pirate Breehn back up.
- Well, thank you, Clarence.
- Um, who's Clarence? [whispers.]
My pirate name is Mr.
Tobias, and don't you forget it.
No kissing on the poop deck! [gasps.]
Dengue fever! - All: Not it! - Uh Not it.
Too late! The Pirate Breehn loses two turns.
Oh, man.
That's a weird rule.
I am so sorry, guys.
It's my fault for bringing him.
I didn't think it could possibly be this bad.
Hey, Jeff, why did you bring us to the bathroom again? Yeah, there's no chips in here! I can't believe he tried to use his pistol.
I really don't think this game is right for him.
I don't know.
Some people just have bad pistol aim.
So, these rats give me plus 6 protein? Psst, use this to protect against scurvy.
Storm card! [thunder rumbles.]
Uh I shouldn't be doing this right now.
A nasty wave sends Crusty Pete overboard! No, Tobias.
No, no, no-o-o-o! Shiver me timbers! Sharks! - Fire cannons! - We'd risk hitting you! - W-we could create a distrac - I throw down my rope to save Crusty Pete.
Oh, no! One of the sharks grabs the captain and pulls him overboard! [gasps.]
[thud.]
I don't want to die! There's so many booties I shall never discover! We have no captain! What do we do? What do we do?! What do we do?! Look alive, scallywags! Mr.
Tobias, throw that salted beef overboard! - That's our food supply! - The sharks are getting closer! - We have no choice! - Do it! Aye aye.
The sharks swim away, drawn to the food! I throw my rope down and pull them aboard.
[cheering.]
Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! - Pirate Breehn! - Yeah, Pirate Breehn! The Pirate Breehn successfully trades our spices for the rare green amulet.
Enemy ships approaching from the rear.
- Ready the cannons! - What do we do, Pirate Breehn? I, uh, swing aboard and go for their captain.
[pirate groans.]
- Yeah! - Oh, yeah! [gasps.]
Almost there.
This is it.
The dreaded Kraken be all that stand betwixt us and a chest full of treasures.
Now, I've got a very specific plan of attack.
First thing Oh, forget that! We've got the Pirate Breehn! Let's ride this wave and slay that Kraken! - We can't just rush in and - Fire cannons! [gasps.]
Oh, no.
We missed.
Now it's the Kraken's turn.
No-o-o-o-o-o-o! [Kraken roars.]
[laughter.]
- That was crazy.
- That was so crazy.
You insubordinate twits didn't listen to me and now look! I'm sorry, Jeff.
I thought we could You thought wrong! Do-over! - You can't do that! - I'm your captain! You do what I say! [squeals.]
[splat.]
You should be listening to me! I'm your captain! So what?! Breehn is a way better captain! What?! Breehn's not even supposed to be here! [grunting.]
Guys, cut it out.
Clarence, get off of me! You're all squishy! [thunder rumbles.]
Mutiny! Mutiny! [wind howling, wind chime tinkling.]
[indistinct shouting.]
Where's Breehn? [screams.]
Oh, my ding-dang gosh! Guys, Breehn's in trouble! - Great job, captain! - It's not my fa One of our crew is out there in a storm without a ship.
I don't know if we'll come back alive, but I do know one thing this is the bestest game of "Three pirates and a pizza party" I ever played.
And it's because the Pirate Breehn was there.
[thunder rumbles.]
- Yeah, you're right.
- Let's go save Breehn! Arrrr! Clarence: Move over, guys.
[squish.]
Ooh! - Breehn! - Breehn, where are you? All: Breehn! Hey, he's over there.
[gasps.]
It's a humongous pile of trash! No, it's the Kraken! No, it's the Trashen.
[thunder rumbles.]
[roaring.]
Fire cannons! It's just a bunch of garbage.
Let's go around.
It'll be no problem as long as we avoid that rake.
- Clarence! - Ah! I'm sorry.
- I just said to - Aah aah Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! [gasps.]
Grab my hand! - Breehn, help us.
- Breehn! Breehn! - A little closer.
- Closer.
[chainsaw motor revs.]
All: Aaaaah! - [laughter.]
Well played.
- "Are you bigger than a breadbox?" What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? Hey, look.
We can totally use that bench.
It's too far! We could never make it from here! Will you just trust me, Jeff? Crusty Pete, grab that hose! - Sumo: Aye aye! - Yah! Wa-a-a-a! Yah! Yo! Yah! - Clarence: Yeah! You did it, Breehn! - Jeff: You made it.
Come on, mateys, jump! Clarence, what are you doing? I'm making myself lighter, so the boat won't sink.
There's no time for that! Just jump! Come on, Clarence! You can do it! [chainsaw motor revs.]
Let's get out of here! Let's go! Let's go! Yah! [chainsaw motor revs.]
All: Aaaaah! [cheering.]
Look, I was being a jerk earlier.
I should have listened to you more.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, Jeff.
I understand.
Sometimes, my parents are the same way, but I know that doesn't mean they don't love me.
No more talking, mateys.
Let's sail home! Okay, okay, have I ever worn a dress? [laughter.]
Wait, were the kids outside? Fire cannons! [cannon fires.]
Critical hit! You slice off both tentacles.
[Kraken groans.]
[cheering.]
Advance towards Barnacle Harbor and collect your booty.
Booty, booty, booty.
- You should do this, Breehn.
- Really? Quit stalling, you old seadog.
Let's get that treasure.
[all gasp.]
Huh? What? What the - Hey, want to play "Limbo rooster"? - Okay! [rooster crows.]
# How low can you go? # How low can you go? [Laughs.]
How low can you go? [Imitates rooster crowing.]
How low can you go? Whoa! [cheering.]
[thunder rumbles.]
E.
J.
: This is great.
Who wants iced tea?
[up-beat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [slow-tempo music plays.]
Clarence: # Fiddle diddle dee, I'm a pirate, you see # Sumo: # Fiddle diddle doo, I eats pirate stew # Plunge to the depths of the pirate sea My captain, my first mate, the ocean, and me High chance of heavy flooding rain in Aberdale.
It's highly recommended to keep small children and cats inside.
So, now everybody put your cards on your foreheads, and we take turns asking questions [giggling.]
.
to figure out who you are.
[door closes.]
Good afternoon, my good neighbor-mates.
Jeff honey, your friends are here.
Hey, I saw your face on a bench.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Great observation, son.
That was me.
[laughs.]
I'm "nutters for clean gutters.
" [thunder rumbles.]
Why does it say "Philicya Rashad" on your head? Clarence, the cards have to be secret.
Oh, a secret.
Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, Karl Marx.
Jeff, your friends are waiting! Ahoy, mateys.
You guys ready? Both: Aye aye, my good shipmate.
Then let's play.
Pirate announcer: "Thirty days and seven seas.
" Okay, lads.
We're finally gonna get past the Kraken.
Yeah, it always eats us.
It's starting to tick me off.
Oh, boy! I hope we can beat him! Aah! - What the heck, Breehn?! - When did you get here? Guys, I-I've been here the whole time.
My parents are on a family fun cruise, so Jeff graciously invited me to your game night.
I know.
I know.
I can be a bit of a stickler sometimes.
But for tonight, I'm ready to let loose.
Plus I brought "Limbo rooster.
" [rooster crows.]
Uh, no offense, but we usually play this game with the three of us.
A fourth might be I don't know weird.
I also brought my favorite snack that my mom hates.
Ooh, cheezarinos! - [muffled.]
Kid can stay.
- Thank you, Sumo.
Hey, Breehn, can I sit on the bean bag chair? Um, I usually sit there when we play.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry.
- Okay, everyone settled? Then let's play.
Argh! Choose your characters.
Jeff: I'm Captain Black Hook Burroughs, Feared captain of the high seas.
House rules captain gets plus 3 wisdom.
Sumo: Crusty Pete, master gunner.
Chaotic neutral.
I'm Mr.
Tobias J.
Tobias.
I make the food.
Um, I'm the Pirate Breehn pirate.
Your name is the Pirate Breehn? Uh, that's great.
The Pirate Breehn.
[chuckles.]
I-I have to go to the bathroom.
Tobias, Crusty Pete, you need to go to the bathroom, too.
What?! No, I don't! Yes, you do.
I can see you squirming.
The Pirate Breehn? That's a terrible name.
I'm sorry, guys.
I thought he was gonna be able to play this better.
- I don't know.
Who cares? - Captain Black Hook? I was thinking I also want to play as the mermaid on the front of the boat.
That's not a playable character, Mr.
Tobias.
- But she's beautiful.
- Okay, you can play as her, also, but it won't have any effect on the game.
Yes! - Where did Breehn go? - I'm right here, guys.
Great! Now that we're all here house rules captain rolls first.
Set sail! Clear skies, move full roll.
[bell tolls.]
A sail comes loose, sending you off course.
- And then I climb up and, uh, fix it.
- Well done, Mr.
Tobias.
Move ahead three.
A beautiful woman emerges from the sea, singing an enchanting song.
Fire cannons! [cannon fires.]
- Critical hit.
- Move ahead 5 spaces.
Avast, mateys! Marauders are attacking! [muffled.]
Fire cannons! - I uh - Boom! [gasps.]
It's a hit.
[gasps.]
A vicious marauder swings aboard your ship.
Engage battle timer! I attack him with my pistol.
[gun cocks, fires.]
And the Pirate Breehn misses.
Aw, dang.
The marauder sends the Pirate Breehn flying overboard.
Move back two knots.
Next time, use your cutlass.
- It's better at close range.
- Oh.
I use my rope to pull up the Pirate Breehn back up.
- Well, thank you, Clarence.
- Um, who's Clarence? [whispers.]
My pirate name is Mr.
Tobias, and don't you forget it.
No kissing on the poop deck! [gasps.]
Dengue fever! - All: Not it! - Uh Not it.
Too late! The Pirate Breehn loses two turns.
Oh, man.
That's a weird rule.
I am so sorry, guys.
It's my fault for bringing him.
I didn't think it could possibly be this bad.
Hey, Jeff, why did you bring us to the bathroom again? Yeah, there's no chips in here! I can't believe he tried to use his pistol.
I really don't think this game is right for him.
I don't know.
Some people just have bad pistol aim.
So, these rats give me plus 6 protein? Psst, use this to protect against scurvy.
Storm card! [thunder rumbles.]
Uh I shouldn't be doing this right now.
A nasty wave sends Crusty Pete overboard! No, Tobias.
No, no, no-o-o-o! Shiver me timbers! Sharks! - Fire cannons! - We'd risk hitting you! - W-we could create a distrac - I throw down my rope to save Crusty Pete.
Oh, no! One of the sharks grabs the captain and pulls him overboard! [gasps.]
[thud.]
I don't want to die! There's so many booties I shall never discover! We have no captain! What do we do? What do we do?! What do we do?! Look alive, scallywags! Mr.
Tobias, throw that salted beef overboard! - That's our food supply! - The sharks are getting closer! - We have no choice! - Do it! Aye aye.
The sharks swim away, drawn to the food! I throw my rope down and pull them aboard.
[cheering.]
Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! - Pirate Breehn! - Yeah, Pirate Breehn! The Pirate Breehn successfully trades our spices for the rare green amulet.
Enemy ships approaching from the rear.
- Ready the cannons! - What do we do, Pirate Breehn? I, uh, swing aboard and go for their captain.
[pirate groans.]
- Yeah! - Oh, yeah! [gasps.]
Almost there.
This is it.
The dreaded Kraken be all that stand betwixt us and a chest full of treasures.
Now, I've got a very specific plan of attack.
First thing Oh, forget that! We've got the Pirate Breehn! Let's ride this wave and slay that Kraken! - We can't just rush in and - Fire cannons! [gasps.]
Oh, no.
We missed.
Now it's the Kraken's turn.
No-o-o-o-o-o-o! [Kraken roars.]
[laughter.]
- That was crazy.
- That was so crazy.
You insubordinate twits didn't listen to me and now look! I'm sorry, Jeff.
I thought we could You thought wrong! Do-over! - You can't do that! - I'm your captain! You do what I say! [squeals.]
[splat.]
You should be listening to me! I'm your captain! So what?! Breehn is a way better captain! What?! Breehn's not even supposed to be here! [grunting.]
Guys, cut it out.
Clarence, get off of me! You're all squishy! [thunder rumbles.]
Mutiny! Mutiny! [wind howling, wind chime tinkling.]
[indistinct shouting.]
Where's Breehn? [screams.]
Oh, my ding-dang gosh! Guys, Breehn's in trouble! - Great job, captain! - It's not my fa One of our crew is out there in a storm without a ship.
I don't know if we'll come back alive, but I do know one thing this is the bestest game of "Three pirates and a pizza party" I ever played.
And it's because the Pirate Breehn was there.
[thunder rumbles.]
- Yeah, you're right.
- Let's go save Breehn! Arrrr! Clarence: Move over, guys.
[squish.]
Ooh! - Breehn! - Breehn, where are you? All: Breehn! Hey, he's over there.
[gasps.]
It's a humongous pile of trash! No, it's the Kraken! No, it's the Trashen.
[thunder rumbles.]
[roaring.]
Fire cannons! It's just a bunch of garbage.
Let's go around.
It'll be no problem as long as we avoid that rake.
- Clarence! - Ah! I'm sorry.
- I just said to - Aah aah Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! Breehn! [gasps.]
Grab my hand! - Breehn, help us.
- Breehn! Breehn! - A little closer.
- Closer.
[chainsaw motor revs.]
All: Aaaaah! - [laughter.]
Well played.
- "Are you bigger than a breadbox?" What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? Hey, look.
We can totally use that bench.
It's too far! We could never make it from here! Will you just trust me, Jeff? Crusty Pete, grab that hose! - Sumo: Aye aye! - Yah! Wa-a-a-a! Yah! Yo! Yah! - Clarence: Yeah! You did it, Breehn! - Jeff: You made it.
Come on, mateys, jump! Clarence, what are you doing? I'm making myself lighter, so the boat won't sink.
There's no time for that! Just jump! Come on, Clarence! You can do it! [chainsaw motor revs.]
Let's get out of here! Let's go! Let's go! Yah! [chainsaw motor revs.]
All: Aaaaah! [cheering.]
Look, I was being a jerk earlier.
I should have listened to you more.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, Jeff.
I understand.
Sometimes, my parents are the same way, but I know that doesn't mean they don't love me.
No more talking, mateys.
Let's sail home! Okay, okay, have I ever worn a dress? [laughter.]
Wait, were the kids outside? Fire cannons! [cannon fires.]
Critical hit! You slice off both tentacles.
[Kraken groans.]
[cheering.]
Advance towards Barnacle Harbor and collect your booty.
Booty, booty, booty.
- You should do this, Breehn.
- Really? Quit stalling, you old seadog.
Let's get that treasure.
[all gasp.]
Huh? What? What the - Hey, want to play "Limbo rooster"? - Okay! [rooster crows.]
# How low can you go? # How low can you go? [Laughs.]
How low can you go? [Imitates rooster crowing.]
How low can you go? Whoa! [cheering.]
[thunder rumbles.]
E.
J.
: This is great.
Who wants iced tea?