Clarence US (2014) s01e50 Episode Script
Balance
1 [remote clicks.]
[upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [School bell rings.]
Well, class, I'm sure you've noticed we have a new student with us today.
Would you like to get up and say something about yourself? We're all friends here.
Don't be shy.
Balance: [gruff Southern accent.]
I hear ya.
I hear ya.
[Coughs.]
Well, they calls me Balance.
Guess it's like how they say.
Ya lead a man to the creek, and before ya know it, he ain't got much to drink.
Ain't that right Melanie, is it? - Uh "Ms.
Baker" is fine.
- She sure is.
Sweeter than niller puddin' I might add.
[Wink, gulps.]
Anyway, before I show y'all my good hand, ya best calm yourselves, y'heard? [Kids screaming.]
I said calm yourselves! [Screaming stops.]
That's better.
Well, enchantã©.
[Hook squeaks.]
Well, ain't that a plum playin' hard t'get.
'Round my patch a lady kiss a man's good hand on meetin'.
But I'll play it your way.
[Humming.]
[Clank, clank.]
[Thunk!.]
Ow! It's you! Balance, right? That was so cool when you showed your hook hand and everyone freaked out.
My name is Clarence.
I used to be a new kid, too.
But I think I've pretty much been to every room in the school now, except the girls' room.
Now I can show you around.
Here are the lockers.
Here's mine.
It's where I keep my rocks.
I found this one in Jeff's yard.
It looks like someone took a bite out of it.
And this I got from Sumo's yard.
It has fur.
Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, it's almost lunch time.
You wanna sit with me? You been goin' around sayin' - ya look like me? - What? You've been walkin' around saying you look like me?! You think you're better than me?! Hmm?! No.
I just thought we could Don't be stickin' yer nose where it don't belong, or else you might just end up startin' an avalanche.
I said avalanche! [Indistinct conversations.]
[Clatter.]
Now, what do we have here? Let me see that tray, honey.
[Snorts.]
- Now what'ya call this'n? - Green beans.
[Snorts.]
[Slop!.]
Never seen anythin' like it.
Wow.
Balance is so cool.
He's new, so we should probably make him feel welcome.
I don't know, Clarence.
If he wants to be left alone, we should leave him be.
Plus, something's not right about that kid.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Clarence, wait! Hmm.
- Hey, Balance.
- You! What'd I say? I know we got off on the wrong foot, and I was thinkin' if you want, you can come sit with me and my friends at our table to make up for it.
- We can be seat buddies! - "Seat buddies," he says.
You just thick as a thistle bush, ain't ya? - Um, is that good? - You askin' me lots of questions, son, and I don't do so good with questions.
Now, grub, that's a different story.
Hey, guys, this is my new friend.
He's called Balance on account of um, why do they call you Balance? [Slap! Shing!.]
- Hup! - Whoa! [Laughing.]
[Gasps.]
I ain't your dancin' boy! Y'all city slickers think you're better than me? Lookit this one, shakin' like a sycamore tree.
Cat got your tongue? And this one over here.
Ain't you a big boy? Loomin' over the world' like you own it all, don'tcha? Uh, I'm just tall, I guess.
Well, a guess ain't a measure stick, now, is it? [Whimpers.]
You got a lot of girth, boy.
I'm feelin' a pair of eyes lickin' the back of my neck.
What ya starin' at, son? Hmph.
Ain't nothin' but a fool's gaze.
[Chuckles.]
He's such a kidder.
I hope he does me next.
I don't think he's funnin' around.
And what do we have here? [Scoffs.]
Oh, no, the weird guy with the weird voice is here.
I'm so scared.
What're you gonna do, anyway? [Shing!.]
Your eyes gon' go sour! You know what's wrong with you? You a sass boy.
I been here one day and can see no one cares for ya.
Ain't got no friends.
Only people who like you are in it for your worldly possessions.
Well, soon enough you're gonna be all alone, left high and dry with no guy to high-five! [Smash!.]
Balance, how could you!? I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
But you bullied my friend Belson! Time to speak up and tell an adult! Balance! This is completely unacceptable! You didn't provide any medical forms.
You got to get to the nurse's office to get vaccinated.
- Come on, honey.
- But, Ms.
Baker! I'll be with you in a minute, Clarence.
This is important.
Come on, Balance.
I don't do kindly with shots.
Can I hold your hand? Uh, y-yeah, okay.
Don't worry, buddy.
We just got to to catch him in the act.
W-What are you talking about? - Catch him red-handed.
- Hey! Knock it Show the school how much of a bully troll he is.
What are you d [Clicking.]
Yo-ho-ho-ho, Balance.
Hey, uh, so, that was some great stuff back there, you know, in the cafeteria, talkin' about how everyone was, um, lame.
I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
Now, move along! Wait, wait! Oh, look at Clarence over there.
Don't you have, like, any more zingers or whatever for him? - Zingers? What you got there? - Oh! Uh, nothing.
You testin' my patience, son.
You tryin' to push my buttons? Well, pretty soon ain't got no buttons left to push.
Hey! You leave my friends alone! Wait, wait! What are you doing? Get off of me! [Whistle blows.]
Clarence! Balance! Belson! - What is going on here? - Balance was pickin' on my friend Belson! - Yeah, we got it all on tape! - Yeah.
Is this true? All right, well, let's hear it.
Come on, now.
Hand it over.
Balance: # You got yer granny smith and yer golden delicious # winesap, mcintosh make your wishes true you got your fuji, cortland, northern spy apples are the apples of my eye, oh, my Huh.
Well, it just sounds like Balance singing a song for his agriculture project.
Good work, Balance.
Ah, thank ya kindly, Mitter Reese.
Now, get back to class, all of you.
One good trick deserves another.
One good man deceives his brother.
- Well, I'm out.
- What?! No! We were so close! We just got to form another plan.
Okay, first we're gonna Come on, man! Did you not see that?! He, like, switched the tapes out right in front of us or something.
Do we even have an agriculture project? - Wait.
But what about the - No way, man.
I've seen some stuff in my life.
This guy's bad news.
[Pop!.]
Yay! Water me, water me.
[Imitates water pouring.]
- Yay! - Uh, thank you, Percy, for that very avant-garde representation of an avocado's life cycle.
Okay, who's next? [Thinking.]
It just doesn't make sense.
How could he switch the tapes? Something's up with that Balance.
[Whistling.]
[Shing!.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Gasps.]
Okay, next up, we have Darcy with her Ms.
Baker, might I have the pleasure of relieving myself in the little boys' room? Sure.
Go ahead.
[Water running.]
[Humming.]
Hmm? Hello? [Pop!.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
[Door slams open.]
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Panting.]
Balance was in the bathroom shaving.
I think he's an adult man.
[Laughter.]
So, I'm just standin' there with all this stolen fruit, right? And I says, "anyone seen my goat?" [Laughter.]
But But Clarence, this is the teachers' lounge! Teachers only! It's okay.
Let the boy stay.
He's just in time for the show.
- Hand me that creamer over there.
- Oh, uh, okay.
[All gasp.]
Not yet! You! Try wavin' your arm under my leg.
- Try and knock me down.
- Uh, you sure? All right.
Hup! Hup! Hmm.
Hup! - That's incredible.
[cheering.]
- What? How did he [Thinking.]
How did I what, doc? How did I switch the tapes? How did I know you were gonna come here? Well, you see, I've always been here, Clarence, and now I've got the teachers eating out of the palm of my hand.
H-How are you talking to me? Are you telegraphic? I can make you think you're hearin' anything I want.
Even smell anything I want.
[Sniffs.]
Mmm, pizza! I can make you think you're smellin' your own sweet No, wait.
[Sniffs.]
Lasagna? Silence! Listen to me, boy.
There's the man's world and there's the spirit world.
But you can't handle my world.
Little bird, fly away home.
Your house is on fire, your children all alone.
Balance! You little devil! Are you getting into people's minds again? [Whip cracks.]
Oh! Yowch! What the? - Huh? - Huh? - You belong to me, to my circus! - You don't understand! They got green beans and beautiful women far as the eye can see! - It's paradise! - Don't you remember, Balance?! We had a contract! You signed it with that right hand of yours.
You mean the hand you took! [Whip cracks.]
- [All gasps.]
It's a hand! - Everyone, calm down! [Whistles.]
Chumo! Beff! [Dramatic music plays.]
Never [Crash!.]
[Growls.]
[Snarling.]
My sincerest apologies for the reckless endangerment of the young ones and such.
Here's two complimentary admissions for the next time we're in town.
Hyah! [Horses neigh.]
Well, I guess it's like they say you lead a man to a creek, but the creek was actually just a big old pile of mud.
I'm free! [chuckles, grunts.]
Okay, everyone, get inside!
[upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [School bell rings.]
Well, class, I'm sure you've noticed we have a new student with us today.
Would you like to get up and say something about yourself? We're all friends here.
Don't be shy.
Balance: [gruff Southern accent.]
I hear ya.
I hear ya.
[Coughs.]
Well, they calls me Balance.
Guess it's like how they say.
Ya lead a man to the creek, and before ya know it, he ain't got much to drink.
Ain't that right Melanie, is it? - Uh "Ms.
Baker" is fine.
- She sure is.
Sweeter than niller puddin' I might add.
[Wink, gulps.]
Anyway, before I show y'all my good hand, ya best calm yourselves, y'heard? [Kids screaming.]
I said calm yourselves! [Screaming stops.]
That's better.
Well, enchantã©.
[Hook squeaks.]
Well, ain't that a plum playin' hard t'get.
'Round my patch a lady kiss a man's good hand on meetin'.
But I'll play it your way.
[Humming.]
[Clank, clank.]
[Thunk!.]
Ow! It's you! Balance, right? That was so cool when you showed your hook hand and everyone freaked out.
My name is Clarence.
I used to be a new kid, too.
But I think I've pretty much been to every room in the school now, except the girls' room.
Now I can show you around.
Here are the lockers.
Here's mine.
It's where I keep my rocks.
I found this one in Jeff's yard.
It looks like someone took a bite out of it.
And this I got from Sumo's yard.
It has fur.
Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, it's almost lunch time.
You wanna sit with me? You been goin' around sayin' - ya look like me? - What? You've been walkin' around saying you look like me?! You think you're better than me?! Hmm?! No.
I just thought we could Don't be stickin' yer nose where it don't belong, or else you might just end up startin' an avalanche.
I said avalanche! [Indistinct conversations.]
[Clatter.]
Now, what do we have here? Let me see that tray, honey.
[Snorts.]
- Now what'ya call this'n? - Green beans.
[Snorts.]
[Slop!.]
Never seen anythin' like it.
Wow.
Balance is so cool.
He's new, so we should probably make him feel welcome.
I don't know, Clarence.
If he wants to be left alone, we should leave him be.
Plus, something's not right about that kid.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Clarence, wait! Hmm.
- Hey, Balance.
- You! What'd I say? I know we got off on the wrong foot, and I was thinkin' if you want, you can come sit with me and my friends at our table to make up for it.
- We can be seat buddies! - "Seat buddies," he says.
You just thick as a thistle bush, ain't ya? - Um, is that good? - You askin' me lots of questions, son, and I don't do so good with questions.
Now, grub, that's a different story.
Hey, guys, this is my new friend.
He's called Balance on account of um, why do they call you Balance? [Slap! Shing!.]
- Hup! - Whoa! [Laughing.]
[Gasps.]
I ain't your dancin' boy! Y'all city slickers think you're better than me? Lookit this one, shakin' like a sycamore tree.
Cat got your tongue? And this one over here.
Ain't you a big boy? Loomin' over the world' like you own it all, don'tcha? Uh, I'm just tall, I guess.
Well, a guess ain't a measure stick, now, is it? [Whimpers.]
You got a lot of girth, boy.
I'm feelin' a pair of eyes lickin' the back of my neck.
What ya starin' at, son? Hmph.
Ain't nothin' but a fool's gaze.
[Chuckles.]
He's such a kidder.
I hope he does me next.
I don't think he's funnin' around.
And what do we have here? [Scoffs.]
Oh, no, the weird guy with the weird voice is here.
I'm so scared.
What're you gonna do, anyway? [Shing!.]
Your eyes gon' go sour! You know what's wrong with you? You a sass boy.
I been here one day and can see no one cares for ya.
Ain't got no friends.
Only people who like you are in it for your worldly possessions.
Well, soon enough you're gonna be all alone, left high and dry with no guy to high-five! [Smash!.]
Balance, how could you!? I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
But you bullied my friend Belson! Time to speak up and tell an adult! Balance! This is completely unacceptable! You didn't provide any medical forms.
You got to get to the nurse's office to get vaccinated.
- Come on, honey.
- But, Ms.
Baker! I'll be with you in a minute, Clarence.
This is important.
Come on, Balance.
I don't do kindly with shots.
Can I hold your hand? Uh, y-yeah, okay.
Don't worry, buddy.
We just got to to catch him in the act.
W-What are you talking about? - Catch him red-handed.
- Hey! Knock it Show the school how much of a bully troll he is.
What are you d [Clicking.]
Yo-ho-ho-ho, Balance.
Hey, uh, so, that was some great stuff back there, you know, in the cafeteria, talkin' about how everyone was, um, lame.
I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
Now, move along! Wait, wait! Oh, look at Clarence over there.
Don't you have, like, any more zingers or whatever for him? - Zingers? What you got there? - Oh! Uh, nothing.
You testin' my patience, son.
You tryin' to push my buttons? Well, pretty soon ain't got no buttons left to push.
Hey! You leave my friends alone! Wait, wait! What are you doing? Get off of me! [Whistle blows.]
Clarence! Balance! Belson! - What is going on here? - Balance was pickin' on my friend Belson! - Yeah, we got it all on tape! - Yeah.
Is this true? All right, well, let's hear it.
Come on, now.
Hand it over.
Balance: # You got yer granny smith and yer golden delicious # winesap, mcintosh make your wishes true you got your fuji, cortland, northern spy apples are the apples of my eye, oh, my Huh.
Well, it just sounds like Balance singing a song for his agriculture project.
Good work, Balance.
Ah, thank ya kindly, Mitter Reese.
Now, get back to class, all of you.
One good trick deserves another.
One good man deceives his brother.
- Well, I'm out.
- What?! No! We were so close! We just got to form another plan.
Okay, first we're gonna Come on, man! Did you not see that?! He, like, switched the tapes out right in front of us or something.
Do we even have an agriculture project? - Wait.
But what about the - No way, man.
I've seen some stuff in my life.
This guy's bad news.
[Pop!.]
Yay! Water me, water me.
[Imitates water pouring.]
- Yay! - Uh, thank you, Percy, for that very avant-garde representation of an avocado's life cycle.
Okay, who's next? [Thinking.]
It just doesn't make sense.
How could he switch the tapes? Something's up with that Balance.
[Whistling.]
[Shing!.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Gasps.]
Okay, next up, we have Darcy with her Ms.
Baker, might I have the pleasure of relieving myself in the little boys' room? Sure.
Go ahead.
[Water running.]
[Humming.]
Hmm? Hello? [Pop!.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
[Door slams open.]
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Panting.]
Balance was in the bathroom shaving.
I think he's an adult man.
[Laughter.]
So, I'm just standin' there with all this stolen fruit, right? And I says, "anyone seen my goat?" [Laughter.]
But But Clarence, this is the teachers' lounge! Teachers only! It's okay.
Let the boy stay.
He's just in time for the show.
- Hand me that creamer over there.
- Oh, uh, okay.
[All gasp.]
Not yet! You! Try wavin' your arm under my leg.
- Try and knock me down.
- Uh, you sure? All right.
Hup! Hup! Hmm.
Hup! - That's incredible.
[cheering.]
- What? How did he [Thinking.]
How did I what, doc? How did I switch the tapes? How did I know you were gonna come here? Well, you see, I've always been here, Clarence, and now I've got the teachers eating out of the palm of my hand.
H-How are you talking to me? Are you telegraphic? I can make you think you're hearin' anything I want.
Even smell anything I want.
[Sniffs.]
Mmm, pizza! I can make you think you're smellin' your own sweet No, wait.
[Sniffs.]
Lasagna? Silence! Listen to me, boy.
There's the man's world and there's the spirit world.
But you can't handle my world.
Little bird, fly away home.
Your house is on fire, your children all alone.
Balance! You little devil! Are you getting into people's minds again? [Whip cracks.]
Oh! Yowch! What the? - Huh? - Huh? - You belong to me, to my circus! - You don't understand! They got green beans and beautiful women far as the eye can see! - It's paradise! - Don't you remember, Balance?! We had a contract! You signed it with that right hand of yours.
You mean the hand you took! [Whip cracks.]
- [All gasps.]
It's a hand! - Everyone, calm down! [Whistles.]
Chumo! Beff! [Dramatic music plays.]
Never [Crash!.]
[Growls.]
[Snarling.]
My sincerest apologies for the reckless endangerment of the young ones and such.
Here's two complimentary admissions for the next time we're in town.
Hyah! [Horses neigh.]
Well, I guess it's like they say you lead a man to a creek, but the creek was actually just a big old pile of mud.
I'm free! [chuckles, grunts.]
Okay, everyone, get inside!