Clarence US (2014) s03e38 Episode Script

Etiquette Clarence

1 I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! "so then the lonely skeleton was really sad.
He didn't want the whole town mad at him.
His bones just kept rattling because he was so cold.
So I put him in my pocket to keep him warm, - and we became best friends.
" - Aww.
"And then we bought a house together.
" Sweetie, I can't believe you wrote that all by yourself.
- It's wonderful.
- Thanks, Mom.
I stayed up all night writing it, but I don't even feel tired or any Mwah.
"Shmoofus wastes his day throwing snow at a shed, while Shmallant helps shovel his elderly neighbor's driveway.
" Kids Being Kids Creative Writing Contest? Cool.
Mom, Mom, Mom, can I enter my story into this thing? Aww, that's cute.
The winner gets their story published, and this Frida A.
Ra person will do drawings for it.
Oh, she's some sort of political cartoonist or something.
Finally, I'll get to share my story with the world.
Why, hello, there, sport! What's the good word for today? Can you mail this for me? It's my entry for a contest.
A contest, you say? Well, this sounds pretty darn important, if you ask me! I'm going to hand-deliver your entry myself! This other mail is just going to have to wait.
I won't let you down, sport! Thank you! Waiting for the mail "and so I put him in my pocket to keep him warm, and we became best friends.
" Wow, Clarence.
- Have you heard from the contest? - No, but I wish.
All I want is to share my story with every kid so they can read it to their mom or dad before bedtime.
Well, I'm happy I got to enjoy it.
Good night, Clarence.
- Heya, sport! - Huh? - Aah! - Look what came into headquarters this evening.
I couldn't wait to just pop on over to come and deliver it to you.
I heard screaming.
What's going on? Hi, Mary.
Just having a little chat with your boy.
Oh, oh, it's just Eugene.
It's just Eugene, the mail guy! Good luck, pal! That's one dedicated mailman.
- Don't spit.
- "Dear Clarence.
" - Oh, my gosh, Jeff.
I won! - No, Clarence.
"You are a finalist in our contest.
You and your family are invited to a special reception dinner at the Shamada Inn, where the grand prize winner will be announced.
" A formal reception at a hotel?! - Psh, I don't care about that.
- You better start caring.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner"? Well, this fancy reception is the chicken dinner, and they're going to be judging you to make sure you don't screw up.
And you're going to need to be perfect, or they're not going to let you win.
Oh, no.
I don't know how to do fancy.
- Jeff, will you help me? - Okay.
It's not going to be easy.
This baby's got every rule a guy needs to make a great impression.
Clarence, focus.
- They look silly.
- They look cultured.
Now stop messing around and study.
"Chapter 1.
Never run, even if excited or frightened.
A swift foot is the mark of a peasant.
" Like a bird? "A gentleman must bow before a lady and wink twice if she passes to the left.
" Well, that makes sense.
"Never finish your mutton before the second eldest son of your host.
" Jeff, can I study later? - I'm hungry.
- Nope.
Come on.
I think I'm passing out over here.
Fine, but this is a working dinner.
Welcome to the Shamada banquet hall.
No, Clarence.
Fancy people take their time with their drinks.
First, give your glass a little twirl.
Then you sniff it, and then you take a very small sip.
All right.
- The main course.
- Ooh.
I only had Ruff Riders Chicken to work with.
Just pretend it's finely cooked goose.
Do you think that fancy people ever try to eat like this? Ow! You eat goose with a fork, Clarence.
- Now, which fork do you use? - Hmm.
- Aah! - That fork's for salad.
- Aah! - That's a bread fork.
I'm hungry.
No elbows on the table.
You're opening your mouth too wide! You're gripping your fork wrong! Ow.
Uh, Jeff, my body stings.
I think I'm going to go home.
Sorry I'm being so hard on you, but your reception dinner is tomorrow.
Here, study tonight, and I'll quiz you first thing in the morning.
Oh, and make sure to work on that posture, Clarence.
Game day, Clarence, and you've only got Clarence! Hey, Jeff.
I was studying, but then I got really hot, and I needed to cool down.
So you rolled around in the mud? Mm-hmm.
Like a pig.
We got to get you cleaned up.
Don't worry.
I'll be there to instruct you on what to do.
- But I know how to shower.
- Do you? Okay.
Now wash your face for at least 8 minutes, and make sure to clean behind your ears.
Clean behind my what? Clarence? It's been 3 hours.
I got to get ready for your dinner, too, you know.
Huh? Jeff? Oh, there you are.
- You excited for tonight? - Mm - What's the matter, hon? - Clarence, wardrobe! Mm, coming! Don't run, peasant! Walk.
What do we got here? There we go.
Uh, Jeff? I wasn't formally invited.
I-I'll just wait here.
But don't worry.
Proper will guide you through it all.
Knock yourself out.
Hello, Jeff.
Mayor: I think that, too! We have so much in common.
Remember, you have to kiss the ceremony leader's ring.
- Yeah, they make nice shapes.
- Oh, Clarence! - Hey, hey, let me introduce to you - Hi.
- Mwah.
- What the Uh, okay, okay, Clarence.
W-Why don't you take a seat with the other contestants, huh? Hi, Clarence.
- You look pretty.
- Mm What's your story about? Jeff, Percy just asked me a question.
Don't answer! Wait until all the ladies speak first.
Are you mad at me? Yes, finally! Now, to answer your, uh Give me the scoop.
- Fish.
- Okay.
Let's see.
"Before eating, you must debone the fish.
" I'm not seeing any bones here.
Keep searching.
They're in there.
Thank you all for coming to this special event.
In a moment, each finalist will come up and read an excerpt from their submission.
Famous political cartoonist Frida A.
Ra has drawn up a sample illustration for each of the stories.
First up, we have Percy Dahmer and his story, "Tales of Mardrynia II: A New Day.
" After being tied up in a scary rope prison for many years, and then when the magical Jeff, I'm I'm going to have to go on stage soon.
Stage? I forgot to prepare your speech! - Write this down.
- Okay.
- Thank everyone in the room - Thank everyone.
- Count to 10 silently - Mm-hmm.
Count to 10.
Compliment the other contestants.
Slow down, Jeff.
Aah! And that is when they finally kissed! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! - Mwah, mwah, mwah - Th-Th-Thank you, Coco, for a very explicit account of your story.
- Up next is Clarence! - All right! Um, has anyone seen Clarence? Before you stare anyone in the eye Wait.
What was that last one? - Clarence? - What the - Where did that guy go? - Clarence! - I'm up.
- Clarence, wait! Mm I can't do this! I'm not a fancy, clean boy.
All I wanted was for my story to get published so kids could read it to their moms and their dads - and their dogs.
- This ketchup boy is right! A good story is good because it's good.
That boy is the type of child I started this contest for.
Security! Doesn't need your fancy suits or this I-I don't know who that man is.
Let's just wrap this up, then, shall we? Congratulations, Clarence! Frida has selected you as the winner! Copies of your story will be available at the local library.
- Mom, I did it! - Congrats, sweetie! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! This is for all the moms and dads out there! - It's for you! - Good job.
"The poor skeleton's bone rattling was so loud that he woke up all the moles living underground.
'So the skeleton has to leave?' 'Yes,' said the president.
'His bone'" Wow.
It really is a great story.
It's probably the best thing I ever done in my life.
Early to bed Early to rise Pickin' my nose