Clarkson's Farm (2021) s01e02 Episode Script
Sheeping
On my farm,
most of the land is used to grow crops.
But not all of it.
Nearly 300 acres is like this, natural, wild, and teeming with rare grasses, with flowers, and bees.
This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse and sustainable and good for global warming.
DEFRA, which is the Department of something Food and Rural Affairs, gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it.
All I have to do in return is mow it once a year.
And that gave me an idea.
Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil, and I can sell their babies for profit.
It's a genius business plan.
I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies.
Having decided to be a sheep farmer, I went to a nearby market to buy stock, and immediately there was a problem.
Well, I mean I'm just completely at a loss.
I'm at a loss.
I don't know Are they the same as them? I know how my mum felt when she was trying to buy a car.
They all look exactly the same.
Or my dad, when he was listening to pop music.
Spice Girls, Led Zeppelin, all the same to him.
To guide me through this woolly labyrinth I spoke to Kevin from the National Sheep Association, which hilariously is known as the NSA.
Is there like, a Freesian Bull Institute? Like FBI and CIA and NSA? I can't say too much about it.
The NSA, that's just brilliant.
Have you looked after sheep before? No? So you want something that's gonna look after you as well as you looking after them.
Right, so, but these are all lady sheep, aren't they? Yes.
So, if I buy 80 sheeps Yeah.
How many man sheeps do I need? Eighty? Well, you could get away with one, but then you might have a risk if there was a problem with that ram.
But he's got to Yeah, so I would go over probably err on the side of caution and go for two.
What? So each man sheep will impregnate 40 lady sheeps.
Yeah, easily, yeah.
Not a bad job.
In a very short space of time as well.
We then had to decide what sort of lady sheep would be best.
Well, what you can see here, you've got a lot of north country mules.
North country mules is a good sheep that will look after you as well.
Um, it creates a really good mum.
She gets plenty of milk, plenty of lambs.
They lamb quite easily and nicely, and it wouldn't be a bad shout as a sort of start off North, right, so a north country, north face, north-kin.
North country mule.
Right.
We then had to decide which north country mules would be best.
So you got yourself a catalogue? Um, yeah, no.
No, right.
So you need to get a catalogue, and that will give you a list, so you can see who they are, where they are.
This one's electric fence trained.
Well, have you got fences? Not really.
No? How are you going to keep them in? Walls.
They could jump the walls.
They can't jump a wall.
- Well, how big's your wall? - About that big.
Well, it's hardly Mexico, is it? Kevin had assured me that north country mules are very calm sheep, but when they came into the auction ring there was some evidence to suggest that they're not.
Still, at least the auctioneer was easy to understand.
By nodding occasionally, I seem to be buying stuff.
133.
134.
134.
5.
And I was.
Yes.
At the end of the sale, I had spent a whopping £11,000.
But on the upside, I was now a sheep farmer.
Thirty, 40, 50.
60, 78.
Seventy eight sheep.
We're there.
Because Kevin had told me that sheep can jump over walls, I then had to spend another £2,700 on a self-assembly electric fence.
Now what they want me to do is walk around the field with this three times.
Well, I'm not going to.
God, I'm clever.
Rightio.
Is this what it's like? Green.
That's the earth, good.
Red, onto the fence.
And then these go onto the battery.
Here we go.
Could be.
You bastard! Stupid.
Right.
Now, that.
Right, here we go, here we go.
This time the zoo is going to be operational.
With this feat of engineering completed, I was ready for the arrival of my new flock.
What the hell, here they come.
Look at that.
And straight into my hotel.
Yeah! - So that's it? - That's it.
- Are they going to be happy? - They look very happy.
I'm sure they will be.
And what have we got to do first of all? Worm them? Worm them first.
Yeah.
And look after them.
You know they're gonna get looked after.
- Well, thanks very much.
- Yep.
Take, take care of yourselves.
Thank you.
Safe trip.
- Enjoy them.
- Yeah, I'm going to actually.
It's quite a nice thing, really.
A very nice thing to be leaning on the gate, looking at my new sheeps.
After a few days of tractoring, I return to the sheep for my first big job.
Hello sheeps.
Right, this field, with the sheeps in it, is now full of diseased feces.
Because the sheeps have been wormed, the worms have come out, and now I've got to take all that electric fence up again and re-build it somewhere else and then move the sheeps into that field.
To move sheep around, you normally use a sheep dog.
But I didn't have one of those, so I came up with another solution.
Take off.
Up, down, swivel, swivel.
Clever thing about this drone.
It was designed for work in search and rescue, so it's got a speaker on it, just here, which can transmit messages to stranded climbers and hikers.
But, I've modified the message, as I'm using it as a sheep drone.
So, ready.
It flies around, herds the sheep, barking at them.
They think it's an airborne dog.
Right.
Let's go round up some sheep.
So, you know, a really good sheep dog these days will set you back £20,000, and you won't be able to use it for six months till it gets used to you.
This only cost £2,500.
And it was money well spent.
Look, it is working.
Look at it! Yes, come on, through the gate, through the gate, through the gate.
They're heading for the gate, heading for the gate.
With no help from my girlfriend Lisa.
They can jump.
I got them going in the right direction.
Go on, off you go.
Yes, lovely.
Look.
In just 25 minutes, I've completely mastered sheeping.
Jeremy, you're going too fast, I can't stop them going into the village.
Darn.
Shit.
Jesus, calm down.
For heaven's please stop.
Get up there.
Then, with no help from the film crew Quickly.
I finally got them into their new field.
I'm gonna have a coronary How fast do they move? I mean, this thing is good.
I mean, as you know, I'm an incredible athlete, and can run at phenomenal speeds, but I can't keep up with the sheep.
I was too surprised.
I did not expect that.
Is that fence on? I don't I'm not gonna check it, am I? Just grab it.
Grab a long piece of grass.
Okay, okay, okay.
- And if you touch the end - Yep.
You'll you'll feel something very gentle.
Ooh, yeah.
It's on.
- Just - Ha-ha.
- That's on, then.
- Your fault, right? Ooh, am I gonna get you back.
Ha-ha.
It's properly hard work.
Despite my exhaustion, I had to get back to tractoring and didn't see the sheep again for two days.
No, there's a lame one.
No.
There, look.
Yeah, front left leg won't go down.
There's two that are lame.
There are two lame ones.
How have they done that? The least dangerous field in Christendom.
Why have they Very worried, I went back to the farm office and tried to diagnose the problem myself.
Which was revolting.
No.
Prolapsed vagina.
Cervical prolapse.
An erupting udder with severe mastitis.
No, I don't want to have to deal with that.
But I want to know why they're limping, not They're not limping because their vagina has exploded, which That book's obsessed with sheep's vaginas.
Common foot problems.
CODD.
"Ulcerated area appears at the top of the hoof, infection spreads under the horn and down to the toe.
The horn detaches and falls off and there's Hair loss stretching.
" Why can't sheep just get ordinary diseases? I was out of my depth, so despite the cost, I had to call in Delwyn the vet.
- Hi there.
- Yep.
- Thanks for coming out.
- That's okay.
- Are there four broken ones? - Yes.
Yes.
I thought there were only two.
No, they've got quite a bit of swelling there.
- You can see where it's bleeding.
- No, it's blood.
Yeah.
So, I think what we'll do is we'll put an antibiotic spray on them and we'll also give them an injection just to kill the pain.
So, erm, I've only got 78 and I've broken four of them.
Don't be hard on yourself, I mean I don't think you need to worry a huge amount on that front.
Okay, well, I'll let you administer antibiotics.
- Yep.
- How much are they? How much is this? Just so I've got a vague idea.
I'll think of a number and double it, really, and go from there, really.
A few days later, having eaten everything in their new field, the sheeps needed to be moved again.
And this time, I discovered that sheep are not only the most sickly animals in the world, they're also the most disobedient.
They're just ignoring it now, look.
Look at the look right above you.
Dog, grr! Fierce dog.
And then, for no reason I could fathom No! Don't do that.
Shit, you bolly.
Doie! The honeymoon was clearly over.
No, this way, come on.
Oi! You're going the wrong way again now.
It's like they could sense I was a new boy.
No.
No, they're going back! They just For fucking hell.
And they were going to make the most of it.
Shit.
For heaven's please stop.
- Right.
- Good? Here we are in the middle of the night, erm, sorting the sheep out, again.
Sheep! Sheep! For fucks sake.
No, no, no, no, no.
Need help.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck it, go live in that field, get run over.
See if I care.
Fucking hate sheep.
I fucking hate them.
I cannot wait to eat them.
I cannot wait.
Along with the gum chewing insolence, the sheep were also extremely destructive.
This is stupid.
Still, this relentless vandalism does provide work for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.
Hi, Gerald.
I love chatting with him, even though most of the time, I'm never entirely sure what we're chatting about.
So, how's this coming along? Well, know what that one.
I mean, no quite done deed.
I mean, if this is if animals or a horse, so you'll, yeah, push it and you'll pull a fat load now.
I'll tell you what, there was a quarry, you know, that field's called a quarry.
Yeah, yeah.
And then, then you See what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
They put masks on, it's always sort of As Gerald has 40 miles of walls to maintain on my farm, I left him to it.
Take care, see you soon.
And got back to the job of sheeping.
So far, the sheeps have been getting their water from a temporary supply, but now, I wanted to reactivate all the abandoned troughs that were scattered around the farm.
Now However, when I opened any of the stopcocks no water was coming through.
Shit.
Feeling like Jean de Florette, I set about investigating the problem.
Right.
The good news is my mate Alex who farms over here has given me this map from 1922, of where all the water pipes are on what was the Sarsden estate, and this is a part of what was it.
It comes down from that one.
So there is an entire network of very, very old pipes crisscrossing this farm.
Clearly, the first job was finding out if those pipes still existed, and the crew photographer and part-time druid, Ellis, suggested I try water divining.
Thumbs at the top, and then you just let it loose and then basically just do that.
To humor him, I said I'd wander about with his coat hangers, but when I passed a trough full of rain water Look at that.
That is bizarre.
Look at look at that.
That's astonishing.
The druid also said that when the wires crossed, I'd be directly above a pipe.
Ooh.
Ooh, hello.
Look at look at this.
Yep, this is exactly where it says on the map that the pipe would be.
Having used witchcraft to establish the pipes still exist, I reckoned that somewhere, there must be a tank that fed them all.
And that, logically, it would be located on high ground.
Make sense that it would be up here because this is just about the highest point of the farm.
So you'd pump the water up from a stream, to here, and then let gravity take it back down to all the troughs.
And it also isn't ooh, hang on.
Hang on.
Okay, that smells pretty bad.
Okay, what we have here is a tank, maybe 4,000 gallons.
What we've got is a pipe coming in, and then about two feet higher, a pipe going out.
To find out if the tank fed the pipes and the troughs, I needed to send some water through it, so I called in some locals with a bowser.
Les.
He's always amusing himself down there with those diviners.
Having connected the bowser to what looked like the tank's outlet pipe, we started pumping.
Run away, quickly let's leap into our cars.
And then I rushed downhill to see if the water was getting to the troughs.
Right, we are now in a race with gravity.
Someone should do a TV show where cars race unusual things.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, it works.
I then went back to report the good news to the chaps.
So, gravity works basically.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- We know gravity works And your pipe's good as well.
And the pipes are good.
So the underground machine is working, and gravity is working.
- Yeah.
- The main problem I can see now is grades, but this not a permanent solution.
So someone, we've got to fill that tank up without using a bowser on the back of a trolley van.
Yeah.
Sadly, that job would have to wait.
Because it was time for the girl sheep to make some babies.
And the man with the boy sheep had arrived.
That is Whoa, there's the rams.
The rams.
Hello, boys, how are you doing? His job is to impregnate sheep and he's called Porksman.
That's it.
That will do.
These are pedigree Suffolks.
Are they violent attack rams? No, they're not.
They are as quiet as mice.
Come on, boys, out you come, don't be shy.
Jeez, I've just seen the back bit.
Do you like them? Ooh, they are pendulous, aren't they? Yes.
This is gonna be their first breeding season.
- So they they're virgins.
- They are virgins.
Are they? 'Cause, really, to be I don't want to be lavatorial but rams are just STDs, scrotal transportation devices.
Really, what I've bought are two scrotums.
Yeah, they it's a fertility machine, isn't it? - Yeah, exactly.
- Every one of these is gonna produce - absolutely thousands of sperms a day.
- Yeah.
They would mate three or four a day very happily.
Mr.
Porksman then suggested I test the fire power of my new purchases.
I'm gonna have to get under there and to get round.
Yeah.
Do you want do you want to measure its circumference? Exactly.
Okay, this is not something I thought I'd be doing this morning.
Yes, I know.
Yes, I know.
Okay.
Gotta hold the scrotal sac at the top.
Yes, is it nice and free? Is it moving nice? - Are the testes nice and free in the sac? - I'm not sure.
I've got nothing to compare it to.
I've never really fondled anything this size before.
Okay, that is 38-centimeter scrotal sac.
- 35 is - It says between Most rams measure between 30 and 40 centimeters.
- So 38 is good, isn't it? - 38 is good.
Top end.
Right, we're going to measure you, mate, I'm sorry.
I knew public school education would come in handy.
Okay, now this is we've got - Okay, listen - How many centimeters is this? I don't wanna embarrass one of them.
- Okay.
Bigger? - So this one's a centimeter bigger.
- A centimeter bigger.
- Shh.
You don't wanna tell him.
Well, come on, if we got measured and then somebody went, "You've got the bigger pair," you'd be mortified.
Well, I'd be mortified.
Well, you're going back to your public school days.
Yeah, exactly.
I left the rams to settle in, did a bit more tractoring and then, a couple of days later, it was time for some sex.
Wee, wee, that'll do, pig.
That'll do, pig.
Kevin from the NSA and a noisy vet called Jenny prepared the lady sheep, and whilst doing so, they spotted a problem with three of them.
Yeah, so it looks like we've got an abscess there.
Yeah.
So, basically, the udders are shot.
At least one of them each, um, so not really something we want to send for breeding.
Well, can they still get pregnant? Yes, but for welfare reasons once they lamb then you've got the limited amount of milk.
Cause we're about to bring old Leonardo and Wayne, as I've called them.
Wayne's going to go after the slightly older ones.
Leonardo's taking the younger ones.
But we've got to get these three broken ones out, haven't we? 'Cause they can't get pregnant.
Yeah, we don't want them with the rams.
Before Wayne and Leonardo could be let loose, we had to get them into some bondage gear.
What we've got here is a harness we're going to put onto the sheep around here like this.
So as it mounts the lady sheep, this rubs a blue mark on the lady sheep's back and then we know she's been impregnated and by which one.
'Cause the other one has got yellow.
Do you want to catch the one, I'll catch the other.
Mr.
Porksman said if I just did this, they'd come.
Come on.
Come on.
They know that you're after them.
That you're acting differently to when you normally come here and feed them.
A lot of this job is sheep psychology.
You have to think how they think.
What they think is, "I must have sex, I must eat some grass.
" No, they think, um, "These people are after me.
Where's the best way to get out of here?" and we've got them a bit riled, and how, how strong are your wooden gates? Well, let's find out.
That's sheep wrestling.
Right, you've got to help me now.
I know.
Well, tell me what to do and I'm right there.
Good.
- Right, which one's this? - Leonardo.
- Right, so Leonardo's yellow.
- Yeah, Leonardo's yellow.
Have you ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time.
I reckon they can smell them now Jeremy.
Good, we'll get that gate open.
That wind's blowing that way.
They'll follow their noses now.
Watch this.
Put two boys who've never had sex before and 75 active cougars on the other side of that wall.
I think the penny's starting to drop now.
You see, they're starting to swagger.
Yeah.
Look, look, they're excited already.
I know, look at that.
Look at them go.
Look at them.
The thing is though, when they run they knee their own bollocks.
Look at the cougars.
Hey, who wants a drink? Espresso martini, anyone? Yeah, they've got it.
Right.
God, the cougars are desperate.
They're actually chasing the men.
This is #MeToo gone mental.
- There you go, he's on.
- He's on.
- He's off.
- No, he's off.
It was a false start.
He's kicked her.
He must be from Rotherham.
- There he goes.
- There he is look.
Why is she walking about? You haven't seen that one in the Kamasutra? No.
Wheelbarrowing.
How long, how long does the the act take as a general rule? Not long.
No, a couple of minutes, - not much more.
- A couple of minutes? In my mind, we could now dim the lights, put on some Barry White and leave them to it.
But Jenny warned me that some major responsibilities lay ahead.
A lot of problems come just before they start lambing, when they What problems? So, they can get problems with getting enough food and the right amount of food, the right amount of energy.
Because as the lambs grow, they're pushing on the stomach, um, so they're reducing the amount of food that they can get in, and they're using too much energy.
It's a serious thing, that you have to know when they've got enough grass.
They've got to stay in the right body condition from now until lambing.
- Which I don't know.
- It's very important, Jeremy.
It is really important.
'Cause if you end up with thin ewes and, and they got lambs, then you're going to end up with all sorts of trouble.
All this meant only one thing.
I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I? I think you should, yeah.
So there we are.
I brought a tractor and then I had to get a tractor driver.
- Got sheep, and now I need a shepherd.
- Yeah.
Eventually I'm going to find something I can do.
With that decision taken, it was time to make another.
What should I do with the three unproductive ewes? What are we going to do with you three? 'Cause you can't get pregnant.
'Cause if you get pregnant I know.
You've got mastitis or something of that nature and your udders are broken.
So, what do we do? Seeking inspiration, I consulted the Ozzie.
So they can't just stay here and just be three young I'll put them somewhere else.
Well, they're flock animals, so ideally they want to be living in a flock and three sheep don't make a flock.
They want to be running with a large number of themselves.
Well, why can't they stay in a little pallet somewhere with doves and rabbits? That's not the - relevant to - Not quite Snow White.
Relative sheep farming.
There's only one thing for them really and you know, they they will need to be, um, culled.
After facing that hard choice, I spent three weeks battling the weather and trying desperately to get my crops in the ground.
And then it was time to see if the sheep sex had been successful.
That was the job of my new shepherd, Ellen.
Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.
That was just breathtaking.
Hello.
That is one of the most majestic spectacles.
Hey you.
Yes, good dog.
So, are they all now up the duff? Well there's 74 have been topped.
Have they? So, it's only possibly one or two.
- Yeah.
- It's not many.
Blue mark has done twice as many as yellow mark.
- Wayne? - Yeah.
He's a bigger shagger than Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yeah.
Good old Wayne.
- They're in there look.
- Yeah.
You randy little bastards, you.
Look at them, they've got sort of proud looks on their faces now.
Next we had to separate Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.
If you go that way a bit, and we'll spread out, and then put your arms out.
Hold on, where's the - Whose, where is he? - Would you grab that gate? - What? - Would you grab that gate and swing it round towards me.
- That's it.
- We've got.
Well, that's good.
We've got both of them.
- Yep.
- How did you do that? There was absolutely no doubting Ellen's shepherding skills.
I just wish I could say the same about her driving.
Everybody, now calm down.
Calm down.
You know, I'm becoming really fond of them.
Have you been talking to them? You know the three that have been - scheduled for assassination? - Yeah.
I really like them.
They come galloping up now.
You go and feed the horses.
Yeah.
We ought to get these rams out then before it goes dark.
Yep.
We'll put them in the trailer and then move them.
Shall I, shall I bring it around, because I have just reversed that in a tight spot - and didn't hit anything.
- Well done.
Unlike some people.
The next issue was food.
Ellen was worried my fields didn't have enough grass for 74 pregnant ewes.
By looking at it, that all looks the same, there's nothing in here.
But both are green.
Yeah, but that don't mean it's grass.
What about that field? Right, here there's grass, see? But there's still not a lot of it.
So we're going to have to supplement feed the ewes so - With the hay? - With the hay.
But how much do they need? We've got a big, big bale of hay.
Yeah, they'll get through, probably a couple of those a day.
- If they're hungry.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
- I haven't got that much.
How much is hay? It's quite expensive isn't it? It is.
The hay was yet another addition to the rapidly rising sheep costs.
And the next day, when Cheerful Charlie dropped by, he brought the money situation into sharp focus.
How are the sheep? I've taken on a shepherd.
- A shepherd? - Yeah.
She's going to come every day and check on them.
- So, you've got 75 sheep? - Yeah, left.
- Left.
Ewes? - Yeah.
- And a shepherd.
- And two rams, yeah.
- Wayne and Leonardo.
- So we're going to have - 130 saleable lambs? - Yeah.
- So, we've got 130 sheep with lambs.
- Yeah, yeah.
They're £65 to £70 a lamb.
- So that's £7,800.
- 7,800.
So if Is that all we're going to get? That's all you're going to get.
But I'm paying her more than that.
The sheep enterprise is not looking very profitable.
And I had to buy the sheep, and the rams.
- And you have to fence them - And the sheep handling And you've got the sheep handling stuff and you've got vets bills.
So, the sheep are going to cost me between just £7,000 and £10,000 a year.
- To have them? - Yeah.
To cut the grass.
That was a bad business choice.
- Thanks for dropping by.
- You're very welcome.
With your gloominess.
Reality.
Alarmingly the sheep were about to get even more expensive, because I still had to finish off their water supply.
What I needed was source of water that could be used to fill the tank at the top of the hill.
That's coming along Gerald? So for advice I went to see Gerald, who's lived in the village for 72 years.
No, it's something, not I, not obviously within water on the pump that you got now, in the water from up here.
Now he took out, right.
Now right mains water.
I'll tell you what.
I didn't know in the corner of our stables, I don't know if that never worked or anything.
I'm not into that.
If you might translate it, get no water so far in that one trough.
She's had the pump bearing took out.
I'd two of them glass nearly every day I've done.
With all that cleared up, I did a bit more searching, and soon, in one of the woods, I found a spring.
Kaleb and I then ran a pipe from the spring up to a pump near the farm buildings.
So, in theory, when I turn that pump on in that box Yeah.
It will bring water up from the spring, - the stream at the bottom of the hill - Yeah.
To here, and then we can attach it to a pipe, and then we can run it up to the sheep troughs.
- Got it.
- This is the moment of truth.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Well we haven't done a lot.
There we go.
Hello! Look at that.
We had our water.
And now what we needed was to get it to the tank at the top of the hill.
This meant using a special tractor attachment called a Mole, which lays a pipe underground.
The tank, the aquifer is up on that - you see that row of trees? - Yeah.
You see there's a gap.
The far trees on the far horizon.
How long is that? - It's more than a mile.
- A mile? - More than a mile.
- And how much are you paying a meter? It's a pound a meter.
Once you put this in, it will last 1,000 years.
It's true, you can't you can't treat this as a cost for one year's sheep.
I don't want you driving over my rape as well.
That rape is going to earn you more money than these pocksy sheep.
- What? - Without a doubt.
With the sun getting low in the sky, we stopped talking, joined everything up and got cracking.
Right.
Come on, LOL.
Let's see if this works.
It did.
Yeah! Look at that, you see it peels the ground open, puts the pipe in and then puts the ground back together again after I've passed.
It's so clever.
This is a very good bit of kit.
- It's wicked isn't it? - It's really good.
- You could watch it all day as well.
- No.
Even though my tractor was extremely nimble and just the right size, the cross country route to the water tank was extremely hazardous.
You're all right, keep going, keep going.
Keep going.
You're all right.
Dear God.
I've never been through this gate without having to do a three point turn.
Come on.
Go on, you're all right.
This meant that when we needed to change the pipe reel I was too tired to get out of the cab.
It's all right, you just sit there.
I'm going to.
- At the end of this series, yeah? - Yeah.
It's going to be "Man watches farmer Watching his farm worker.
" That's what it's going to be.
That's what it's called.
- You could be watching me - I'm watching you.
Rather then get hit on the head so we'd have to put it in the accident book.
What accident book? Every farm has an accident book.
You don't read books.
I know, but I would read that one, cause it would be mostly me.
Has every farm got an accident book? Yeah, if you cut your finger on a knife, you've got to put it in the accident book.
Who looks at it? The health and safety, and stuff like that.
Why don't you just say there's not been any accidents? 'Cause no one believes that.
Think about it.
On a farm, how many accidents happen on a farm? Well, all the time.
But we haven't had one yet.
Yeah, we have, I cut my finger today.
I need to go in the accident book.
And I've probably got a bruise on my elbow.
Does that go in the accident book? That's going in the accident book as well.
So it's a woke accident book? Eventually we started to climb.
This is the steepest bank on the farm.
Go on, go on, girl.
Get up that hill.
Go on, go on, go on.
Kaleb is actually talking to the tractor.
Come on, come on girl.
She's a machine.
Yee hah! Get in there.
So this tractor is planting 150 meters of pipe, a meter under the surface of the Earth.
Ha ha, too big my ass.
With the hardest climb over, we stopped for a breather.
It's good up here, - the air is clear up here.
- Yeah.
- Look at the view.
- I know, the views, - the air, everything.
- Look just that way.
Look.
The reason I like farming here Is I'm sat on that tractor on a summer's day.
It's nine o'clock at night.
The lights starting to come on.
Like, I see every single farmer working around the place.
I know I can't speak to them, but it make you feel good.
I know he's waving back at me, and I'm like a mile and a half away.
- And you know who it is? - I know exactly who it is.
Yeah, I know what tractor he's driving, and what horse power it is, I know what machinery he's got on the back.
Is that rain going to come where we are? Yes, it is.
It's like one of those shots in Oklahoma.
- Where's that? - America.
We worked into the night to get the pipe to the tank.
And the next morning went off to see if it had worked.
Now, that's good news.
And so finally the underground Victorian water engine was once again fully functional.
I was thrilled.
And as for the sheep Not interested.
Now that might be because they get all the moisture they need by licking the Earth.
It is absolutely soaking.
Or, it could be because that electric fence is on.
Which means the entire trough is live.
God, farming's complicated.
It was about to become upsetting too.
Because the time had come to say goodbye to my three woolly mates.
Look at that one over there having his last breakfast.
Come on.
There you go, there you go.
Go on, up you go, go on.
Go on.
Come on.
I don't know what to say, or think about this mission this morning.
But I'm a sheep farmer.
This is what sheep farmers do.
They take their animals to market.
They take them to the abattoir.
Eugh! Eventually, I arrived at the abattoir.
Three cull ewes yeah? - Three ewes yeah.
- Yeah.
What I really needed were a few soothing words, telling me that what I was doing was the right thing.
It's a shame, cause they're nice sheep aren't they? Lovely.
Is this all mutton then? Yeah, they're all culls as well, yes.
The farmers that we bought them from have obviously checked their backs.
They've either got bad backs or lack of teeth so they can't feed.
And where does mutton mostly go? Indian restaurants, and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis.
There's massive communities in East London.
Good.
Look, that one looks so sad.
At the end of the day, the ones that don't fit the bill - have to go here.
They've got to.
- They have I can't, they can't breed, they can't be with a a flock.
And they're not pets.
No.
I deliberately haven't given them names.
Not out loud anyway.
No, no, no, no.
In the office we went through the endless government paperwork.
So that's it, we've done one form, now these another form.
This is your movement license, it's all complete.
We keep a copy and send that back off to Deptford for you.
This is just the same Easier to get into America than to fill one of these in.
It is, you're right, yeah.
Painfully generated.
Then there was one last job.
I'm just going to say goodbye to them.
Might be a bit late.
- What? Why, have they gone? - I think they might be dead.
- They're dead already? - Yes.
Are they really, they've gone? They're dead? Yeah, they form a line now yeah.
Sorry.
- Lovely.
Well thanks again.
- Well, thank you.
Okay.
The sheep had been on my farm now for three months.
For most of that time, they had been a nightmare.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oi! And for all of it, they've been ruinously expensive.
I'll think of a number and double it really.
- I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I? - I think you should, yeah.
That was a bad business choice.
But these belligerent sex mad illness machines have brought a lot of joy to the farm.
That's a great sight.
Hello, sheepy.
I've grown to love having them around.
You're all eating for two now, aren't you all? Or three, hopefully.
They're actually learning to trust me, And there was one more surprise in store.
I actually thought I wouldn't be able to eat them, but it turns out I can.
They're delicious.
Farm shop.
Why would I not do that? It's like Fortnum and Mason's in my mind.
It's what? All right, here we go.
But not all of it.
Nearly 300 acres is like this, natural, wild, and teeming with rare grasses, with flowers, and bees.
This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse and sustainable and good for global warming.
DEFRA, which is the Department of something Food and Rural Affairs, gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it.
All I have to do in return is mow it once a year.
And that gave me an idea.
Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil, and I can sell their babies for profit.
It's a genius business plan.
I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies.
Having decided to be a sheep farmer, I went to a nearby market to buy stock, and immediately there was a problem.
Well, I mean I'm just completely at a loss.
I'm at a loss.
I don't know Are they the same as them? I know how my mum felt when she was trying to buy a car.
They all look exactly the same.
Or my dad, when he was listening to pop music.
Spice Girls, Led Zeppelin, all the same to him.
To guide me through this woolly labyrinth I spoke to Kevin from the National Sheep Association, which hilariously is known as the NSA.
Is there like, a Freesian Bull Institute? Like FBI and CIA and NSA? I can't say too much about it.
The NSA, that's just brilliant.
Have you looked after sheep before? No? So you want something that's gonna look after you as well as you looking after them.
Right, so, but these are all lady sheep, aren't they? Yes.
So, if I buy 80 sheeps Yeah.
How many man sheeps do I need? Eighty? Well, you could get away with one, but then you might have a risk if there was a problem with that ram.
But he's got to Yeah, so I would go over probably err on the side of caution and go for two.
What? So each man sheep will impregnate 40 lady sheeps.
Yeah, easily, yeah.
Not a bad job.
In a very short space of time as well.
We then had to decide what sort of lady sheep would be best.
Well, what you can see here, you've got a lot of north country mules.
North country mules is a good sheep that will look after you as well.
Um, it creates a really good mum.
She gets plenty of milk, plenty of lambs.
They lamb quite easily and nicely, and it wouldn't be a bad shout as a sort of start off North, right, so a north country, north face, north-kin.
North country mule.
Right.
We then had to decide which north country mules would be best.
So you got yourself a catalogue? Um, yeah, no.
No, right.
So you need to get a catalogue, and that will give you a list, so you can see who they are, where they are.
This one's electric fence trained.
Well, have you got fences? Not really.
No? How are you going to keep them in? Walls.
They could jump the walls.
They can't jump a wall.
- Well, how big's your wall? - About that big.
Well, it's hardly Mexico, is it? Kevin had assured me that north country mules are very calm sheep, but when they came into the auction ring there was some evidence to suggest that they're not.
Still, at least the auctioneer was easy to understand.
By nodding occasionally, I seem to be buying stuff.
133.
134.
134.
5.
And I was.
Yes.
At the end of the sale, I had spent a whopping £11,000.
But on the upside, I was now a sheep farmer.
Thirty, 40, 50.
60, 78.
Seventy eight sheep.
We're there.
Because Kevin had told me that sheep can jump over walls, I then had to spend another £2,700 on a self-assembly electric fence.
Now what they want me to do is walk around the field with this three times.
Well, I'm not going to.
God, I'm clever.
Rightio.
Is this what it's like? Green.
That's the earth, good.
Red, onto the fence.
And then these go onto the battery.
Here we go.
Could be.
You bastard! Stupid.
Right.
Now, that.
Right, here we go, here we go.
This time the zoo is going to be operational.
With this feat of engineering completed, I was ready for the arrival of my new flock.
What the hell, here they come.
Look at that.
And straight into my hotel.
Yeah! - So that's it? - That's it.
- Are they going to be happy? - They look very happy.
I'm sure they will be.
And what have we got to do first of all? Worm them? Worm them first.
Yeah.
And look after them.
You know they're gonna get looked after.
- Well, thanks very much.
- Yep.
Take, take care of yourselves.
Thank you.
Safe trip.
- Enjoy them.
- Yeah, I'm going to actually.
It's quite a nice thing, really.
A very nice thing to be leaning on the gate, looking at my new sheeps.
After a few days of tractoring, I return to the sheep for my first big job.
Hello sheeps.
Right, this field, with the sheeps in it, is now full of diseased feces.
Because the sheeps have been wormed, the worms have come out, and now I've got to take all that electric fence up again and re-build it somewhere else and then move the sheeps into that field.
To move sheep around, you normally use a sheep dog.
But I didn't have one of those, so I came up with another solution.
Take off.
Up, down, swivel, swivel.
Clever thing about this drone.
It was designed for work in search and rescue, so it's got a speaker on it, just here, which can transmit messages to stranded climbers and hikers.
But, I've modified the message, as I'm using it as a sheep drone.
So, ready.
It flies around, herds the sheep, barking at them.
They think it's an airborne dog.
Right.
Let's go round up some sheep.
So, you know, a really good sheep dog these days will set you back £20,000, and you won't be able to use it for six months till it gets used to you.
This only cost £2,500.
And it was money well spent.
Look, it is working.
Look at it! Yes, come on, through the gate, through the gate, through the gate.
They're heading for the gate, heading for the gate.
With no help from my girlfriend Lisa.
They can jump.
I got them going in the right direction.
Go on, off you go.
Yes, lovely.
Look.
In just 25 minutes, I've completely mastered sheeping.
Jeremy, you're going too fast, I can't stop them going into the village.
Darn.
Shit.
Jesus, calm down.
For heaven's please stop.
Get up there.
Then, with no help from the film crew Quickly.
I finally got them into their new field.
I'm gonna have a coronary How fast do they move? I mean, this thing is good.
I mean, as you know, I'm an incredible athlete, and can run at phenomenal speeds, but I can't keep up with the sheep.
I was too surprised.
I did not expect that.
Is that fence on? I don't I'm not gonna check it, am I? Just grab it.
Grab a long piece of grass.
Okay, okay, okay.
- And if you touch the end - Yep.
You'll you'll feel something very gentle.
Ooh, yeah.
It's on.
- Just - Ha-ha.
- That's on, then.
- Your fault, right? Ooh, am I gonna get you back.
Ha-ha.
It's properly hard work.
Despite my exhaustion, I had to get back to tractoring and didn't see the sheep again for two days.
No, there's a lame one.
No.
There, look.
Yeah, front left leg won't go down.
There's two that are lame.
There are two lame ones.
How have they done that? The least dangerous field in Christendom.
Why have they Very worried, I went back to the farm office and tried to diagnose the problem myself.
Which was revolting.
No.
Prolapsed vagina.
Cervical prolapse.
An erupting udder with severe mastitis.
No, I don't want to have to deal with that.
But I want to know why they're limping, not They're not limping because their vagina has exploded, which That book's obsessed with sheep's vaginas.
Common foot problems.
CODD.
"Ulcerated area appears at the top of the hoof, infection spreads under the horn and down to the toe.
The horn detaches and falls off and there's Hair loss stretching.
" Why can't sheep just get ordinary diseases? I was out of my depth, so despite the cost, I had to call in Delwyn the vet.
- Hi there.
- Yep.
- Thanks for coming out.
- That's okay.
- Are there four broken ones? - Yes.
Yes.
I thought there were only two.
No, they've got quite a bit of swelling there.
- You can see where it's bleeding.
- No, it's blood.
Yeah.
So, I think what we'll do is we'll put an antibiotic spray on them and we'll also give them an injection just to kill the pain.
So, erm, I've only got 78 and I've broken four of them.
Don't be hard on yourself, I mean I don't think you need to worry a huge amount on that front.
Okay, well, I'll let you administer antibiotics.
- Yep.
- How much are they? How much is this? Just so I've got a vague idea.
I'll think of a number and double it, really, and go from there, really.
A few days later, having eaten everything in their new field, the sheeps needed to be moved again.
And this time, I discovered that sheep are not only the most sickly animals in the world, they're also the most disobedient.
They're just ignoring it now, look.
Look at the look right above you.
Dog, grr! Fierce dog.
And then, for no reason I could fathom No! Don't do that.
Shit, you bolly.
Doie! The honeymoon was clearly over.
No, this way, come on.
Oi! You're going the wrong way again now.
It's like they could sense I was a new boy.
No.
No, they're going back! They just For fucking hell.
And they were going to make the most of it.
Shit.
For heaven's please stop.
- Right.
- Good? Here we are in the middle of the night, erm, sorting the sheep out, again.
Sheep! Sheep! For fucks sake.
No, no, no, no, no.
Need help.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck it, go live in that field, get run over.
See if I care.
Fucking hate sheep.
I fucking hate them.
I cannot wait to eat them.
I cannot wait.
Along with the gum chewing insolence, the sheep were also extremely destructive.
This is stupid.
Still, this relentless vandalism does provide work for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.
Hi, Gerald.
I love chatting with him, even though most of the time, I'm never entirely sure what we're chatting about.
So, how's this coming along? Well, know what that one.
I mean, no quite done deed.
I mean, if this is if animals or a horse, so you'll, yeah, push it and you'll pull a fat load now.
I'll tell you what, there was a quarry, you know, that field's called a quarry.
Yeah, yeah.
And then, then you See what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
They put masks on, it's always sort of As Gerald has 40 miles of walls to maintain on my farm, I left him to it.
Take care, see you soon.
And got back to the job of sheeping.
So far, the sheeps have been getting their water from a temporary supply, but now, I wanted to reactivate all the abandoned troughs that were scattered around the farm.
Now However, when I opened any of the stopcocks no water was coming through.
Shit.
Feeling like Jean de Florette, I set about investigating the problem.
Right.
The good news is my mate Alex who farms over here has given me this map from 1922, of where all the water pipes are on what was the Sarsden estate, and this is a part of what was it.
It comes down from that one.
So there is an entire network of very, very old pipes crisscrossing this farm.
Clearly, the first job was finding out if those pipes still existed, and the crew photographer and part-time druid, Ellis, suggested I try water divining.
Thumbs at the top, and then you just let it loose and then basically just do that.
To humor him, I said I'd wander about with his coat hangers, but when I passed a trough full of rain water Look at that.
That is bizarre.
Look at look at that.
That's astonishing.
The druid also said that when the wires crossed, I'd be directly above a pipe.
Ooh.
Ooh, hello.
Look at look at this.
Yep, this is exactly where it says on the map that the pipe would be.
Having used witchcraft to establish the pipes still exist, I reckoned that somewhere, there must be a tank that fed them all.
And that, logically, it would be located on high ground.
Make sense that it would be up here because this is just about the highest point of the farm.
So you'd pump the water up from a stream, to here, and then let gravity take it back down to all the troughs.
And it also isn't ooh, hang on.
Hang on.
Okay, that smells pretty bad.
Okay, what we have here is a tank, maybe 4,000 gallons.
What we've got is a pipe coming in, and then about two feet higher, a pipe going out.
To find out if the tank fed the pipes and the troughs, I needed to send some water through it, so I called in some locals with a bowser.
Les.
He's always amusing himself down there with those diviners.
Having connected the bowser to what looked like the tank's outlet pipe, we started pumping.
Run away, quickly let's leap into our cars.
And then I rushed downhill to see if the water was getting to the troughs.
Right, we are now in a race with gravity.
Someone should do a TV show where cars race unusual things.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, it works.
I then went back to report the good news to the chaps.
So, gravity works basically.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- We know gravity works And your pipe's good as well.
And the pipes are good.
So the underground machine is working, and gravity is working.
- Yeah.
- The main problem I can see now is grades, but this not a permanent solution.
So someone, we've got to fill that tank up without using a bowser on the back of a trolley van.
Yeah.
Sadly, that job would have to wait.
Because it was time for the girl sheep to make some babies.
And the man with the boy sheep had arrived.
That is Whoa, there's the rams.
The rams.
Hello, boys, how are you doing? His job is to impregnate sheep and he's called Porksman.
That's it.
That will do.
These are pedigree Suffolks.
Are they violent attack rams? No, they're not.
They are as quiet as mice.
Come on, boys, out you come, don't be shy.
Jeez, I've just seen the back bit.
Do you like them? Ooh, they are pendulous, aren't they? Yes.
This is gonna be their first breeding season.
- So they they're virgins.
- They are virgins.
Are they? 'Cause, really, to be I don't want to be lavatorial but rams are just STDs, scrotal transportation devices.
Really, what I've bought are two scrotums.
Yeah, they it's a fertility machine, isn't it? - Yeah, exactly.
- Every one of these is gonna produce - absolutely thousands of sperms a day.
- Yeah.
They would mate three or four a day very happily.
Mr.
Porksman then suggested I test the fire power of my new purchases.
I'm gonna have to get under there and to get round.
Yeah.
Do you want do you want to measure its circumference? Exactly.
Okay, this is not something I thought I'd be doing this morning.
Yes, I know.
Yes, I know.
Okay.
Gotta hold the scrotal sac at the top.
Yes, is it nice and free? Is it moving nice? - Are the testes nice and free in the sac? - I'm not sure.
I've got nothing to compare it to.
I've never really fondled anything this size before.
Okay, that is 38-centimeter scrotal sac.
- 35 is - It says between Most rams measure between 30 and 40 centimeters.
- So 38 is good, isn't it? - 38 is good.
Top end.
Right, we're going to measure you, mate, I'm sorry.
I knew public school education would come in handy.
Okay, now this is we've got - Okay, listen - How many centimeters is this? I don't wanna embarrass one of them.
- Okay.
Bigger? - So this one's a centimeter bigger.
- A centimeter bigger.
- Shh.
You don't wanna tell him.
Well, come on, if we got measured and then somebody went, "You've got the bigger pair," you'd be mortified.
Well, I'd be mortified.
Well, you're going back to your public school days.
Yeah, exactly.
I left the rams to settle in, did a bit more tractoring and then, a couple of days later, it was time for some sex.
Wee, wee, that'll do, pig.
That'll do, pig.
Kevin from the NSA and a noisy vet called Jenny prepared the lady sheep, and whilst doing so, they spotted a problem with three of them.
Yeah, so it looks like we've got an abscess there.
Yeah.
So, basically, the udders are shot.
At least one of them each, um, so not really something we want to send for breeding.
Well, can they still get pregnant? Yes, but for welfare reasons once they lamb then you've got the limited amount of milk.
Cause we're about to bring old Leonardo and Wayne, as I've called them.
Wayne's going to go after the slightly older ones.
Leonardo's taking the younger ones.
But we've got to get these three broken ones out, haven't we? 'Cause they can't get pregnant.
Yeah, we don't want them with the rams.
Before Wayne and Leonardo could be let loose, we had to get them into some bondage gear.
What we've got here is a harness we're going to put onto the sheep around here like this.
So as it mounts the lady sheep, this rubs a blue mark on the lady sheep's back and then we know she's been impregnated and by which one.
'Cause the other one has got yellow.
Do you want to catch the one, I'll catch the other.
Mr.
Porksman said if I just did this, they'd come.
Come on.
Come on.
They know that you're after them.
That you're acting differently to when you normally come here and feed them.
A lot of this job is sheep psychology.
You have to think how they think.
What they think is, "I must have sex, I must eat some grass.
" No, they think, um, "These people are after me.
Where's the best way to get out of here?" and we've got them a bit riled, and how, how strong are your wooden gates? Well, let's find out.
That's sheep wrestling.
Right, you've got to help me now.
I know.
Well, tell me what to do and I'm right there.
Good.
- Right, which one's this? - Leonardo.
- Right, so Leonardo's yellow.
- Yeah, Leonardo's yellow.
Have you ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time.
I reckon they can smell them now Jeremy.
Good, we'll get that gate open.
That wind's blowing that way.
They'll follow their noses now.
Watch this.
Put two boys who've never had sex before and 75 active cougars on the other side of that wall.
I think the penny's starting to drop now.
You see, they're starting to swagger.
Yeah.
Look, look, they're excited already.
I know, look at that.
Look at them go.
Look at them.
The thing is though, when they run they knee their own bollocks.
Look at the cougars.
Hey, who wants a drink? Espresso martini, anyone? Yeah, they've got it.
Right.
God, the cougars are desperate.
They're actually chasing the men.
This is #MeToo gone mental.
- There you go, he's on.
- He's on.
- He's off.
- No, he's off.
It was a false start.
He's kicked her.
He must be from Rotherham.
- There he goes.
- There he is look.
Why is she walking about? You haven't seen that one in the Kamasutra? No.
Wheelbarrowing.
How long, how long does the the act take as a general rule? Not long.
No, a couple of minutes, - not much more.
- A couple of minutes? In my mind, we could now dim the lights, put on some Barry White and leave them to it.
But Jenny warned me that some major responsibilities lay ahead.
A lot of problems come just before they start lambing, when they What problems? So, they can get problems with getting enough food and the right amount of food, the right amount of energy.
Because as the lambs grow, they're pushing on the stomach, um, so they're reducing the amount of food that they can get in, and they're using too much energy.
It's a serious thing, that you have to know when they've got enough grass.
They've got to stay in the right body condition from now until lambing.
- Which I don't know.
- It's very important, Jeremy.
It is really important.
'Cause if you end up with thin ewes and, and they got lambs, then you're going to end up with all sorts of trouble.
All this meant only one thing.
I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I? I think you should, yeah.
So there we are.
I brought a tractor and then I had to get a tractor driver.
- Got sheep, and now I need a shepherd.
- Yeah.
Eventually I'm going to find something I can do.
With that decision taken, it was time to make another.
What should I do with the three unproductive ewes? What are we going to do with you three? 'Cause you can't get pregnant.
'Cause if you get pregnant I know.
You've got mastitis or something of that nature and your udders are broken.
So, what do we do? Seeking inspiration, I consulted the Ozzie.
So they can't just stay here and just be three young I'll put them somewhere else.
Well, they're flock animals, so ideally they want to be living in a flock and three sheep don't make a flock.
They want to be running with a large number of themselves.
Well, why can't they stay in a little pallet somewhere with doves and rabbits? That's not the - relevant to - Not quite Snow White.
Relative sheep farming.
There's only one thing for them really and you know, they they will need to be, um, culled.
After facing that hard choice, I spent three weeks battling the weather and trying desperately to get my crops in the ground.
And then it was time to see if the sheep sex had been successful.
That was the job of my new shepherd, Ellen.
Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.
That was just breathtaking.
Hello.
That is one of the most majestic spectacles.
Hey you.
Yes, good dog.
So, are they all now up the duff? Well there's 74 have been topped.
Have they? So, it's only possibly one or two.
- Yeah.
- It's not many.
Blue mark has done twice as many as yellow mark.
- Wayne? - Yeah.
He's a bigger shagger than Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yeah.
Good old Wayne.
- They're in there look.
- Yeah.
You randy little bastards, you.
Look at them, they've got sort of proud looks on their faces now.
Next we had to separate Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.
If you go that way a bit, and we'll spread out, and then put your arms out.
Hold on, where's the - Whose, where is he? - Would you grab that gate? - What? - Would you grab that gate and swing it round towards me.
- That's it.
- We've got.
Well, that's good.
We've got both of them.
- Yep.
- How did you do that? There was absolutely no doubting Ellen's shepherding skills.
I just wish I could say the same about her driving.
Everybody, now calm down.
Calm down.
You know, I'm becoming really fond of them.
Have you been talking to them? You know the three that have been - scheduled for assassination? - Yeah.
I really like them.
They come galloping up now.
You go and feed the horses.
Yeah.
We ought to get these rams out then before it goes dark.
Yep.
We'll put them in the trailer and then move them.
Shall I, shall I bring it around, because I have just reversed that in a tight spot - and didn't hit anything.
- Well done.
Unlike some people.
The next issue was food.
Ellen was worried my fields didn't have enough grass for 74 pregnant ewes.
By looking at it, that all looks the same, there's nothing in here.
But both are green.
Yeah, but that don't mean it's grass.
What about that field? Right, here there's grass, see? But there's still not a lot of it.
So we're going to have to supplement feed the ewes so - With the hay? - With the hay.
But how much do they need? We've got a big, big bale of hay.
Yeah, they'll get through, probably a couple of those a day.
- If they're hungry.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
- I haven't got that much.
How much is hay? It's quite expensive isn't it? It is.
The hay was yet another addition to the rapidly rising sheep costs.
And the next day, when Cheerful Charlie dropped by, he brought the money situation into sharp focus.
How are the sheep? I've taken on a shepherd.
- A shepherd? - Yeah.
She's going to come every day and check on them.
- So, you've got 75 sheep? - Yeah, left.
- Left.
Ewes? - Yeah.
- And a shepherd.
- And two rams, yeah.
- Wayne and Leonardo.
- So we're going to have - 130 saleable lambs? - Yeah.
- So, we've got 130 sheep with lambs.
- Yeah, yeah.
They're £65 to £70 a lamb.
- So that's £7,800.
- 7,800.
So if Is that all we're going to get? That's all you're going to get.
But I'm paying her more than that.
The sheep enterprise is not looking very profitable.
And I had to buy the sheep, and the rams.
- And you have to fence them - And the sheep handling And you've got the sheep handling stuff and you've got vets bills.
So, the sheep are going to cost me between just £7,000 and £10,000 a year.
- To have them? - Yeah.
To cut the grass.
That was a bad business choice.
- Thanks for dropping by.
- You're very welcome.
With your gloominess.
Reality.
Alarmingly the sheep were about to get even more expensive, because I still had to finish off their water supply.
What I needed was source of water that could be used to fill the tank at the top of the hill.
That's coming along Gerald? So for advice I went to see Gerald, who's lived in the village for 72 years.
No, it's something, not I, not obviously within water on the pump that you got now, in the water from up here.
Now he took out, right.
Now right mains water.
I'll tell you what.
I didn't know in the corner of our stables, I don't know if that never worked or anything.
I'm not into that.
If you might translate it, get no water so far in that one trough.
She's had the pump bearing took out.
I'd two of them glass nearly every day I've done.
With all that cleared up, I did a bit more searching, and soon, in one of the woods, I found a spring.
Kaleb and I then ran a pipe from the spring up to a pump near the farm buildings.
So, in theory, when I turn that pump on in that box Yeah.
It will bring water up from the spring, - the stream at the bottom of the hill - Yeah.
To here, and then we can attach it to a pipe, and then we can run it up to the sheep troughs.
- Got it.
- This is the moment of truth.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Well we haven't done a lot.
There we go.
Hello! Look at that.
We had our water.
And now what we needed was to get it to the tank at the top of the hill.
This meant using a special tractor attachment called a Mole, which lays a pipe underground.
The tank, the aquifer is up on that - you see that row of trees? - Yeah.
You see there's a gap.
The far trees on the far horizon.
How long is that? - It's more than a mile.
- A mile? - More than a mile.
- And how much are you paying a meter? It's a pound a meter.
Once you put this in, it will last 1,000 years.
It's true, you can't you can't treat this as a cost for one year's sheep.
I don't want you driving over my rape as well.
That rape is going to earn you more money than these pocksy sheep.
- What? - Without a doubt.
With the sun getting low in the sky, we stopped talking, joined everything up and got cracking.
Right.
Come on, LOL.
Let's see if this works.
It did.
Yeah! Look at that, you see it peels the ground open, puts the pipe in and then puts the ground back together again after I've passed.
It's so clever.
This is a very good bit of kit.
- It's wicked isn't it? - It's really good.
- You could watch it all day as well.
- No.
Even though my tractor was extremely nimble and just the right size, the cross country route to the water tank was extremely hazardous.
You're all right, keep going, keep going.
Keep going.
You're all right.
Dear God.
I've never been through this gate without having to do a three point turn.
Come on.
Go on, you're all right.
This meant that when we needed to change the pipe reel I was too tired to get out of the cab.
It's all right, you just sit there.
I'm going to.
- At the end of this series, yeah? - Yeah.
It's going to be "Man watches farmer Watching his farm worker.
" That's what it's going to be.
That's what it's called.
- You could be watching me - I'm watching you.
Rather then get hit on the head so we'd have to put it in the accident book.
What accident book? Every farm has an accident book.
You don't read books.
I know, but I would read that one, cause it would be mostly me.
Has every farm got an accident book? Yeah, if you cut your finger on a knife, you've got to put it in the accident book.
Who looks at it? The health and safety, and stuff like that.
Why don't you just say there's not been any accidents? 'Cause no one believes that.
Think about it.
On a farm, how many accidents happen on a farm? Well, all the time.
But we haven't had one yet.
Yeah, we have, I cut my finger today.
I need to go in the accident book.
And I've probably got a bruise on my elbow.
Does that go in the accident book? That's going in the accident book as well.
So it's a woke accident book? Eventually we started to climb.
This is the steepest bank on the farm.
Go on, go on, girl.
Get up that hill.
Go on, go on, go on.
Kaleb is actually talking to the tractor.
Come on, come on girl.
She's a machine.
Yee hah! Get in there.
So this tractor is planting 150 meters of pipe, a meter under the surface of the Earth.
Ha ha, too big my ass.
With the hardest climb over, we stopped for a breather.
It's good up here, - the air is clear up here.
- Yeah.
- Look at the view.
- I know, the views, - the air, everything.
- Look just that way.
Look.
The reason I like farming here Is I'm sat on that tractor on a summer's day.
It's nine o'clock at night.
The lights starting to come on.
Like, I see every single farmer working around the place.
I know I can't speak to them, but it make you feel good.
I know he's waving back at me, and I'm like a mile and a half away.
- And you know who it is? - I know exactly who it is.
Yeah, I know what tractor he's driving, and what horse power it is, I know what machinery he's got on the back.
Is that rain going to come where we are? Yes, it is.
It's like one of those shots in Oklahoma.
- Where's that? - America.
We worked into the night to get the pipe to the tank.
And the next morning went off to see if it had worked.
Now, that's good news.
And so finally the underground Victorian water engine was once again fully functional.
I was thrilled.
And as for the sheep Not interested.
Now that might be because they get all the moisture they need by licking the Earth.
It is absolutely soaking.
Or, it could be because that electric fence is on.
Which means the entire trough is live.
God, farming's complicated.
It was about to become upsetting too.
Because the time had come to say goodbye to my three woolly mates.
Look at that one over there having his last breakfast.
Come on.
There you go, there you go.
Go on, up you go, go on.
Go on.
Come on.
I don't know what to say, or think about this mission this morning.
But I'm a sheep farmer.
This is what sheep farmers do.
They take their animals to market.
They take them to the abattoir.
Eugh! Eventually, I arrived at the abattoir.
Three cull ewes yeah? - Three ewes yeah.
- Yeah.
What I really needed were a few soothing words, telling me that what I was doing was the right thing.
It's a shame, cause they're nice sheep aren't they? Lovely.
Is this all mutton then? Yeah, they're all culls as well, yes.
The farmers that we bought them from have obviously checked their backs.
They've either got bad backs or lack of teeth so they can't feed.
And where does mutton mostly go? Indian restaurants, and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis.
There's massive communities in East London.
Good.
Look, that one looks so sad.
At the end of the day, the ones that don't fit the bill - have to go here.
They've got to.
- They have I can't, they can't breed, they can't be with a a flock.
And they're not pets.
No.
I deliberately haven't given them names.
Not out loud anyway.
No, no, no, no.
In the office we went through the endless government paperwork.
So that's it, we've done one form, now these another form.
This is your movement license, it's all complete.
We keep a copy and send that back off to Deptford for you.
This is just the same Easier to get into America than to fill one of these in.
It is, you're right, yeah.
Painfully generated.
Then there was one last job.
I'm just going to say goodbye to them.
Might be a bit late.
- What? Why, have they gone? - I think they might be dead.
- They're dead already? - Yes.
Are they really, they've gone? They're dead? Yeah, they form a line now yeah.
Sorry.
- Lovely.
Well thanks again.
- Well, thank you.
Okay.
The sheep had been on my farm now for three months.
For most of that time, they had been a nightmare.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oi! And for all of it, they've been ruinously expensive.
I'll think of a number and double it really.
- I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I? - I think you should, yeah.
That was a bad business choice.
But these belligerent sex mad illness machines have brought a lot of joy to the farm.
That's a great sight.
Hello, sheepy.
I've grown to love having them around.
You're all eating for two now, aren't you all? Or three, hopefully.
They're actually learning to trust me, And there was one more surprise in store.
I actually thought I wouldn't be able to eat them, but it turns out I can.
They're delicious.
Farm shop.
Why would I not do that? It's like Fortnum and Mason's in my mind.
It's what? All right, here we go.