Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

[theme music playing]
["The Air That I Breathe"
by The Hollies playing]
[Jeremy] Without a doubt, the cows
had been a very pleasing addition
to Diddly Squat farm.
[music continues]
Good cows.
Aren't they great? Really.
I mean, look at them!
[Jeremy] They'd come here
to rejuvenate the soil.
And they were doing a good job.
[Jeremy] Hello, Pepper!
How are you this morning?
[mooing]
[Jeremy] But to make
that eco project pay its way,
they'd need to produce meat
for my new restaurant.
[Jeremy] Come on, Deeny.
In you go.
[Jeremy] Which is why,
a month earlier,
we'd spent £500
artificially inseminating
Deeny and Pepper.
[Dilwyn] Two heifers
potentially pregnant.
[Jeremy] Come on, mooties.
[Jeremy] And today,
Dilwyn the vet would find out
if the treatment had worked.
So I'm basically doing a scan.
There's a beam of ultrasound
coming out from there,
and then you will see what I see
through these.
-Oh, you've got your goggles on.
-I've got my goggles on.
Right. Okay.
That's the uterus.
So we're basically slicing the uterus
and we're looking at the cut surface.
You know these things,
when woman are pregnant?
I've never been able to see a baby.
When they show you those ultrasound
photographs, I can never see a baby.
-[Dilwyn] It'll look like a broad bean.
-[Lisa] A broad bean?
[Lisa] Um
I can't see a calf in here.
Oh God.
[Dilwyn] So she's not in calf
as far as I'm concerned.
[Jeremy] Come on, Pepper, my love.
There she goes!
Right, I've gotcha.
[Lisa] I think she's gonna be
up the duff.
[Jeremy] So we're looking for
a broad bean.
[Dilwyn] A white broad bean
in black fluid.
[Lisa] Come on, Pepper.
[Dilwyn] No, she's not in calf.
[Jeremy] Bugger. Bugger, bugger.
-[Dilwyn] It is a bit sad, isn't it?
-[Lisa] Yeah.
So, you've gotta decide
where you want to go from here.
[Jeremy] Well, we've gotta
get them pregnant somehow.
Shall we try and bring them on
one more time for A.I.?
[Jeremy] Well, if we do another A.I.
and it doesn't work,
then we're going to have this gap
where the ladies and gentlemen
will come to the restaurant,
and we'll have to serve them salad.
Nobody wants to eat that shit.
You could get a bull in.
The timing is better with a bull.
The amount of semen
that the bull deposits is a lot greater.
And also it's fresher as well.
Are you allowed to just keep bulls?
-Yeah.
-[Dilwyn] Yeah, you are.
But you'd have to put signs up
at the footpath.
-[Kaleb] Yeah, it's fine.
-To say "Beware of the bull".
The nuclear option,
which isn't quite so popular,
is that you eat the heifers.
-Eat them?
-[Dilwyn] You slaughter the heifers.
-We gave them names!
-Now, there's an idea.
I'm not eating Pepper!
And that's just an end of it.
These two are the heifers
that were bought for breeding purposes.
[Kaleb] Welcome to farming.
You've just gotta push it down.
[Jeremy] With that terrible thought
in mind,
I booked the heifers in
for another round of expensive A.I.,
even though Cheerful Charlie had said
that in this neck of the woods,
there's a good chance
the cows wouldn't live that long.
Earlier in the week,
he brought along a map
which charted the alarming spread
of deadly bovine tuberculosis
in the area.
It's like a hotspot
in this part of the world.
[Jeremy] Jesus.
That's close, in Bledington.
-Look on Norton, of Chipping Norton
-[Jeremy] Oh, yes.
-[Charlie] I would say that's closer.
-[Jeremy] That's a mile away from here.
[Jeremy] So, as Dilwyn was here,
I sat down with him to get fully briefed.
Cows can either get it
from other cows with TB
or they can get it from wildlife.
-Which is deer and badgers.
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
You know, the cows are quite inquisitive.
So basically when they have a badger
walking across the field,
they'll go up and sniff that badger.
They can't do that with a deer
'cause the deer's gone
three fields away.
Whereas a badger will actually
interact with a cow.
And the thing is with deer and foxes
is that you can actually shoot foxes
and keep them away from your land.
You can't shoot badgers
and keep them away from your land.
They are a protected species
since mid-1980s.
To stop badger baiting.
But badger baiting
isn't a problem anymore.
So I think the government
needs to adjust
what is protected
and what is not protected
because some of the animals
are over-protected at the moment.
And if one of my cows catches it,
it has to be shot?
Yes, it has to be, yeah.
Um
I don't know what to do.
You've got Brian May running
around going, "Oh, badgers are lovely,"
and Countryfile telling you every week:
"Aren't they sweet
and aren't they fluffy,
and look at their little whiskers."
So I can't shoot them
'cause everyone thinks they're sweet.
I don't know what to do.
You've got a bit of a voice
at the moment. So it might be worth
I know, but I've got a voice
'cause of this lot.
And because I've got this lot we can't
quietly break the law.
Yes. But the
Why don't you all go and do The Holiday
Programme or something for a week?
And then come back in a week
We could have solved our badger problem.
We'll have solved
the badger problem, yes.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Following my chat with Dilwyn,
I decided to find out how many badgers
were living on the farm.
How are you, Tom?
[Jeremy] Which meant calling up
conservationist Tom
-Are you well?
-Yeah, I am, yeah.
[Jeremy] who, in the last series,
had put me firmly in my place
on the issue of water voles.
What if we just scooped
the whole area up?
The water vole wouldn't know.
And then go and put it over there?
-No, Jeremy. No.
-Why not?
[Jeremy] Tom had brought along
badger specialist Andy.
This is where they mainly go in,
that way.
[Jeremy] And we all set off to look
for evidence of badger life
which, worryingly, didn't take long.
[Andy] You've got a couple
of very active holes in here.
You see how many tons of soil
have been kicked out?
-This one here.
-[Jeremy] Oh my
[Andy] Yeah, plenty of activity
around here.
We've got a big old sett entrance here.
-More tracks there.
-[Tom] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] That looks man-made.
-[Tom] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It looks like
a sort of Victorian sewer.
The other one is absolutely enormous
just through here.
[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
How big's a badger sett under the ground?
[Tom] What do you think, Andy,
for this one?
Well, some of them
can go up to forty metres
underneath the ground.
But normally five, ten,
fifteen metres down.
There'll be several chambers
dotted around.
-Five or ten metres?
-Metres, yeah.
Well, imagine a forty-footer,
a forty-metre one.
I mean, that's enormous.
[Jeremy] Tom's trademark red flags
hammered home the problem.
And he was quick to warn me not to think
what he thought I was thinking.
[Tom] Unfortunately, Jeremy,
you're facing one of the most heavily
legislated mammals in the country.
[Jeremy] You can't shoot them.
-No.
-Or gas them.
-No.
-Or fill in their holes.
Nope.
Oh, it's always "no".
But Let's put it this way.
I have a friend,
who lives nearby.
And he's dealing
with his badger problem
at night.
What would happen to him if he were
to be caught shooting the badgers?
If he was caught, basically,
damaging the sett,
harming a badger,
killing a badger,
if there's any evidence
that follows that,
then you can be proved
that you've done it
No, my friend's done it.
OK, well if your friend's done it,
he's susceptible to risk
12 months in prison.
-Right. I'll tell him.
-£40,000 fine per badger.
-Per badger?
-And per sett.
-So
-So he could be in serious trouble.
Could be in serious trouble.
Don't disturb the setts.
No.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] There was, of course, always
the slim chance the setts were empty.
So to find out, Casper the cameraman
set up some Claymores--
I mean trap cams.
[ominous music]
And the results were terrifying.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Since my poor herd was clearly
in the cow equivalent of Rorke's Drift
I was forced to spend even more money
installing some badger
protection measures.
On that rough bit of ground there.
[Jeremy groans]
[Jeremy] We raised the height
of the water troughs.
[Jeremy] Take that, badger!
[Kaleb] Perfect.
[Jeremy] Electrified the fences
near their setts.
And installed some new feed troughs.
[Kaleb] That's it.
Got these rollers on the sides
so that when the badger comes
and puts his paws on, it goes like that,
falls down.
He can't get at the cow food,
so he can't spread his germs around.
Excellent.
[Jeremy] And the expensive cow jobs
weren't finished there,
because, with winter approaching,
we now had to build them a barn.
[Jeremy] Can I just ask :
why the cows need to come in
in the winter?
Why do we need to build them all that?
[Kaleb] Normally,
the ground can't take them.
So, like, they weigh about a ton, yeah?
And some cows obviously weigh
a little more.
But ours weigh about a ton.
So therefore in the winter months,
when it gets really wet,
the ground gets poached
and they could stand up into there.
They ruin the ground?
So you have to put them in a shed?
Yeah, in a shed.
[Jeremy] The team building
the shed said
that if I wanted to make myself useful,
I could take away the subsoil
they were digging up
to make the site level.
I always think
that if you're going to wear one,
you better be safe and wear two,
'cause it's just stupid
to only wear one.
There we go, I'm fully safe.
[man] I got you a double XL as well.
You can fuck off.
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Once the soil was loaded,
I took it to a small abandoned quarry
at the top end of the farm.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Here we go,
ramming speed.
Let's see if I can get this
to go in the hole.
Tilting.
Oh yeah.
-Hello!
-[Charlie] Hi.
-[Jeremy] How are you?
-All right, thanks. How are you?
[Jeremy] Good.
So this is the spoil
from the cattle shed?
The cow house, yes.
As long as you've done your waste
exemption licence you're fine.
[Jeremy] What?
-You haven't filled one out, have you?
-No, Charlie, it's my quarry.
[Charlie] I know.
- So I am moving--
- But how do you--
If you have a garden--
You have to declare that the soil
you're putting in there
is free from contamination.
So you have to fill out
a waste exemption licence.
-There is a soil police?
-There is a soil police.
There's an every sort of police.
Anyway
-I've got some great news.
-What?
Have you seen Kaleb's runway at the rape?
[Jeremy] The runway turned out
to be indisputable evidence
that the self-proclaimed
"best farmer at Diddly Squat"
had screwed up.
That brown patch, that's Kaleb's,
that's not been drilled.
He's missed it.
[Jeremy scoffs] Hilarious.
[Jeremy] I immediately
abandoned my chores
so I could take Kaleb
for a little drive.
[Jeremy] Um
I've got a question for you.
This field of rape,
when I was in my tract-
Oh, you can see it actually,
even in the Range Rover.
Yeah, I can see it.
I know what you're gonna say, as well.
"You missed a bit."
-I didn't.
-I'm really sorry, Kaleb.
-This is not a bit. This is
-But I didn't miss it, though.
-Well
-No, honestly, I did not miss it.
[Jeremy] Look, if this is six metres,
it's the exact width of the drill.
One, two,
three, four, five, six.
[Kaleb] Yeah, but I haven't missed it.
-The exact width of the
-If I missed it I'd hold my hands up.
But we've got rape
growing in there, look.
Look at that bit of rape plant there.
Rape plant there.
-No, Kaleb.
-Rape plant there.
[Jeremy] Drilled.
Drilled.
-Not drilled.
-It is drilled.
[Jeremy] You haven't drilled it.
I mean, it's all very well saying
there's rape growing in it.
There's one
Two.
Three, four, five.
[Jeremy] That's a dandelion.
[Kaleb] It's not my fault.
I'm not taking the blame for this.
What?
Who was it? Nicholas Witchell?
Judi Dench? Who did it?
[Jeremy] Given that Kaleb
was occasionally incompetent
and I was constantly useless,
it was odd that we'd been invited
to the British Farming Awards
in Birmingham
to receive a gong.
Naturally, Kaleb said he needed
a new haircut for the occasion.
Which meant we were late setting off.
But luckily my other job meant
I had just the right car that week
to get us there on time.
[engine roaring]
Fucking hell!
[Kaleb] I want one.
-You want one of these?
-Yeah.
Lambos are the best.
If you're gonna have a really,
really idiotic car,
you have to have a Lamborghini,
because they're the most idiotic cars.
[Kaleb laughs]
You have to love it.
So go on, just talk me through your hair.
What style would you call that?
-Um
-What did you say to the barber?
"Can I have tram lines?"
And she knew exactly what I meant.
Alright, tram lines.
But then the bit on the top
That's a perm, still.
-No!
-It is.
It's completely different
to your old perm.
It's a bit of volume in the perm.
I think you and Gerald should start
a new British detective programme
called Perm and Mullet.
It sounds like a couple of detectives
who run around the countryside
solving rural crime.
[Kaleb] I farm all this.
What, this? Oh, it's you?
Yeah, this farm here.
So have you missed a bit
on this farm as well?
I think I vaguely remember that,
actually.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] As darkness fell,
we arrived at the farming Oscars.
Ah, there you go.
Drop me off over there.
-Where?
-Just by the red carpet.
I'm not dropping you by the red carpet.
-Why?
-I'm not dropping you.
-Just over there.
-I am not your chauffeur.
-[Kaleb] It's my award.
-[Jeremy] It's not your award.
[Kaleb] It is.
Please? Just just there.
-Oh, for God's sake.
-Thank you. All right?
Thank you.
[Jeremy] You owe me one for this.
Go and park the car.
How're we doing?
-Make sure it's close.
-[Jeremy] Shut up.
Oh, I'm gonna have to go
round the block. Jesus.
How're we doing?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Inside, Kaleb's red-carpet
moment continued.
We just want to celebrate.
That's all we want.
You deserve a medal!
[woman] Would you just give us a photo?
[indistinct chatter]
Yeah, the only difference
between genetically and modifying
is that you can insert DNA
from different organisms.
But with gene editing,
you're editing the organism itself.
[indistinct chatter]
[Kaleb] See my little cufflinks?
[woman] Aw! They're wicked!
-That's so cute!
-Where'd you get those from?
[Jeremy] Once the rural Brad Pitt
had finished doing the rounds
[Vernon Kay] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!
[Jeremy] we sat down for the awards,
which were being hosted by none other
than Vernon Kay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are the great,
the good, the awesome
of the British farming industry.
[applause]
[Jeremy] How right he was.
James Drummond!
A&WJ Drummond!
[applause]
[Jeremy] Over the next hour I saw
awards given out to unsung heroes.
Thank you very much.
[cheering]
[Jeremy] People who work day and night
at the mercy of weather,
world politics and Whitehall nonsense
Just to put food on all our tables.
[cheering]
[applause and cheering]
[Jeremy] So I felt quite humbled
when this happened.
The Flying the Flag
for British Agriculture Award.
Kaleb Cooper and Jeremy Clarkson!
[applause and cheering]
Obviously I'm a fraud here.
Of course I'm not a farmer.
I'm a trainee farmer at best.
Stop nodding!
I couldn't have done it without him.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kaleb Cooper!
[applause and cheering]
I won an award!
[Jeremy] If this had been the Oscars,
everyone
would have headed off at this point
to the Vanity Fair after-party.
Here, though, it was time
for the annual cider-drinking contest.
[applause and cheering]
[Vernon Kay] Right, we have a winner.
Well done!
[lively music]
[Jeremy] The next morning,
while Kaleb got over his hangover
240 yards.
[Jeremy] I was up early,
planning a bit of boss-hoggery.
Right.
So each letter would be 17 yards long
The cockend?
No.
One, two, three, four
[groans]
Here.
This is an S.
Lovely.
There.
This job's going to take a long time.
But it's worth it.
Wildflower seeds.
Good for the birds, good for the bees.
And a handy reminder to Kaleb
to not be on Instagram
when driving a tractor.
Yeah, that's it.
[Jeremy] With my message planted,
it was time to crack into the day's jobs.
And first up there was a visit
from my NFU rep Georgia
who, in the first series,
had taught me how to drive a tractor.
[Georgia] Hello!
[Jeremy] Today, though, she was here
to talk about the menace of badgers.
If you get TB,
not only have you got
a huge financial hit,
your hands are literally physically tied
until you become clear of TB,
because your farm is virtually shut down.
And that means you get put
under restriction.
-So the cows--
-You can't sell your beefs?
No, and the cows you lose to TB,
you can't buy in new ones,
so your input is stopped,
and your output is stopped because
you can't sell your cows at market.
And then, as you say,
that's me out of the cattle market.
Yeah. Currently it's costing
not just farmers their livelihoods,
and a huge amount of their profit
In fact some people
are having to give up
their herds and their farming practices
because of the disease.
It costs the taxpayer 150 million
this year just gone.
The taxpayer paid 150 million
to slaughter cattle that had caught TB.
All the measures.
And farmers are being literally
wiped out by it.
But we need to have
greater understanding of the disease,
'cause that's only a good thing.
And this is where I thought
you might be interested in these.
The idea of this project
is to look into whether there's TB
in the badger carcases.
So they've got to be road killed
or found dead carcases.
Sometimes when you're driving
across the road,
you'll see one on the side of the road.
If it's relatively fresh,
that is a good candidate
for this project.
-So if I found a carcass on the road
-[Georgia] Yes.
Which is fresh, like I've just run over--
No I haven't,
I mean someone's just run over it.
It could be me or Kaleb
We put it in a bag,
and then if it's got TB
there's a good chance
that the other badgers
around here have got TB.
Well, it's about building a picture
over a large landscape.
Exactly, so how many badgers
have to be run over
-for you to have a meaningful figure?
-Found.
So in Oxfordshire,
we're looking to find a hundred.
So all my neighbours
have got to find dead badgers.
Roadkill or ones that are
already found dead.
So when you find a badger you
Before touching it,
you get these bags ready.
You find your badger carcass,
you're absolutely sure it's dead,
and if it isn't you ring your vet.
You don't just hit it with a hammer.
No, you absolutely do not
just hit it with a hammer.
["Alone Again Or" by Love playing]
[Jeremy] So we were on the front
foot with the badgers.
And the cowshed was coming along nicely.
Which meant I could turn
my attention back
to creating produce for the restaurant.
[music continues]
The first project had begun a while ago,
when I'd bought a share
of a local brewery,
and asked Rick, the master brewer there,
to create a lager
using Diddly Squat barley.
[Jeremy] So this is where
it's coming from?
[Rick] Exactly.
[Jeremy] And now, a couple
of months later, it was ready to sample.
[Rick] Is there a name for this beer?
-Yeah, I've got an idea.
-Ah, good.
There's this rock,
it's not quite on the farm, but very
close to where we grow the spring barley.
-Yes.
-And it's called The Hawkstone.
It was put there by Neolithic people.
Thousands and thousands of years ago,
Stonehenge time.
-Wow!
-It sounds cold.
-It does, doesn't it?
-It sounds Cotswoldy.
-[Jeremy] Right, is this it?
-[Rick] Yes.
Mmm!
It's a nice beer.
The difference between the premium
and this new brew
is probably all about hops as well.
We've chosen some quite interesting hops,
and one has melon-type characteristics.
It's called Hüll Melon.
So that's from that one hop,
but you might be getting
other fruity flavours
from a hop called Mandarina Bavaria.
Mmm.
Well it's It's brilliant.
For me I get a soft
and clean style of beer.
So if you make a beer
with a lot of maize
or an unmalted adjunct, for example,
brewing authentically to the German
[Jeremy] If I'm honest,
Rick's lecture soon became a bit fuzzy.
But even though I'd sampled many glasses
of this delicious new lager,
I felt I should make a contribution.
I'll tell you what this is.
It's a wellness beer.
It's a spa beer.
[Jeremy] Since the man they were filming
was now talking drivel
If you go to a spa, what they should say
is "Would you like"
[Jeremy] the crew decided
to make better use of their time
[indistinct chatter]
[Jeremy] and then I was driven home
by an extremely patient director.
It's quite good fun,
developing your own beer.
[director] Yeah.
A little bit of
He says he can tweak it,
that's what brewers do,
and he did a degree in it.
[director] Yeah.
I'll tell you what I wanna do. Gerald,
Diddly Squat's beer expert,
let's be honest
I've got a case in the boot,
I'll give him a shout
and he can come up
and he can tell me what he thinks.
[Jeremy] Back at the office,
I assembled my judging panel.
Ten past six.
That is beer time.
-This is our spring barley.
-Yeah.
-There you go.
-[Kaleb] It is nice and clear, isn't it?
It's a nice beer, that.
[Jeremy] Over the next couple of hours,
we worked our way through the case,
and discussed many matters
of great importance.
-[Jeremy] I like a beer on a hot day.
-[Gerald] Yeah.
-I do like a beer on a hot day.
-[Gerald] Yeah.
Hard day's work, a beer after.
Yeah, a couple of these off your mouth
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Sometimes whatever you have,
these out there,
if it was about 90 degrees out there
it'd go down a treat.
If I have a beer,
I love the smell of beer.
I've been where you've been
and he's been,
it's because young barley
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Pickled onions or something.
Like the adverb, whatever it is,
innit?
Wise words.
Wise words.
Yeah, I like a session beer
'cause I like a lot of pints.
-A session? A session?
-A session.
-[Kaleb] He's going for the sesh!
-[Jeremy] A session beer?
[Kaleb] I haven't heard that for a while.
[laughter]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] As the beer had had
a unanimous thumbs up,
I moved onto restaurant project
number two:
the potatoes.
[music continues]
Despite the nightmares they'd caused me
in the first year of farming,
I'd decided to grow them again.
[Lisa] Well done, guys.
Lovely, beautiful work.
[Jeremy] Because I'd worked out
how to make them profitable.
[Jeremy clears his throat]
Make them into crisps. Yeah?
They're good enough quality,
aren't they?
[Jeremy] Do you know how many bags
of crisps we'll get from this?
-A fair few.
-16,000.
OK.
So if we deduct the picking costs,
planting them,
it's still over £13,000 profit
-It's not 'cause we don't have a machine.
-We'll get a machine.
OK, it's a good investment
if we're gonna keep on doing it.
Why would we not?
We know potatoes.
Look at that.
-Are these still Melody?
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Lisa] Oh, I love Melody.
And we could fry them
in our own vegetable oil.
Seasoned with our own chillies.
-Chilli, good.
-Chillies.
Badger. Badger-flavoured crisps.
[gagging]
[Jeremy] £13,000.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] And so, a few weeks later,
on a crisp December morning,
our crisp-making machine arrived.
[Jeremy] Morning.
-How are you?
-All right, thank you.
Good. You've brought a kitchen?
Yes.
-We just need somewhere to put it now.
-Right.
- It's all electric.
- It's all electric.
OK, good.
[man] Is there any chance
of getting this car moved?
That's Lisa's daughter's car.
I'll go and have a look,
see if I can find the keys.
Yeah.
[Jeremy] Right.
[thud]
[Jeremy] Fucking hell, what's that?
What have I just driven over
that I can't see?
[man] Think you've just gone
on a manhole.
-Is it a manhole there?
-I think there's a manhole underneath.
[man] Yeah, it is a manhole.
Shit!
[crunching sounds]
[Jeremy] Oh, fucking
[Jeremy] Right, we're clear.
I thought you were supposed
to be good at driving.
Used to be.
Those are the olden days.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] With the crisp kitchen
plumbed in and wired up,
we began.
So, here are our potatoes.
Rinse them or wash them?
[Jeremy] Just rinse them
because they're going in here,
which peels them somehow.
[Lisa] That's a mandolin
for chopping potatoes.
[Jeremy] Yeah, I bought it the other day.
-Look.
-Yeah.
So you go down like this,
but your fingers are there.
If you get them too low, look
Can you imagine how easily
you could take a finger?
[screaming] Fucking hell!
Why did you do that?
Jesus, you've literally taken
the whole thing off.
Shit.
[Lisa] That's bad.
You've literally taken it down
to the bone.
-Fuck!
-Oh my God, it's left Oh my God !
It's left, look!
There it is, there's your skin.
[Jeremy] Oh shit, it is.
That is actually my thumb, isn't it?
[Lisa] Yes.
-There's blood everywhere.
-[Jeremy groans]
[Jeremy] Since no one would want
to eat thumb-flavoured crisps,
I was bandaged up
and nagged out of the door by Lisa
-Why did you do that, love?
-I was just trying to chop it up.
And I was saying there's a trick
to not take your finger off.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] who carried on by herself.
Fry, little ones, fry.
Here we go.
[music continues]
Oh, lovely!
Voilà!
[Jeremy] Meanwhile I'd found a job
that was much safer.
[chainsaw sputters]
[chainsaw starts]
Ow! Fuck!
Christmas tree.
[phone chimes]
Hang on, sorry.
Oh, it's from the doctor.
Oh, I've got to go to hospital
and see Professor something or other,
the Manor Hospital, Beech Road, Oxford,
quarter to seven tonight.
This is a plastic surgeon
I've got to go and see because
If you're squeamish,
don't look at this, OK?
I'm gonna show you a picture of my thumb.
It is
That's bone you can see in there.
[Jeremy] That evening at the hospital
with Lisa on filming duties,
a man with a steady hand
put me back together.
So, he's stitched me up
using the old bit of skin
which might or might not be
a bit of potato.
So, what we've proved is cooking
is more dangerous than farming.
[Lisa] Your cooking.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] A few days later,
my thumb was on the mend and while
driving along at the edge of the farm,
I finally found a reason
to break out
one of Georgia's badger bags.
[Jeremy] Look at it.
Fresh, look, still squidgy.
Look at those teeth,
which he uses for ripping
hedgehogs to pieces.
Its claws for pulling them apart.
I'm gonna bag it up.
Gloves,
first bag.
Bloody hell!
Holy shit!
You fat
How many hedgehogs have you eaten?
[groans and gasps]
[groans]
Jesus Christ!
Ghastly animal.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] At the tax payers' expense,
the badger was taken away for TB testing.
And to be honest,
I was quite glad about the name
of the courier company,
because the news
from the local dairy farmer
who supplies our shop with milk
was not good.
[Jeremy] Hi, Emma. How are things?
Er We've gone down
with TB again, so
Oh, you're joking?
No. It's not good. It's a bit rubbish.
-Oh no.
-[Emma] Yeah.
What do you have to do?
-When it goes down with TB?
-Hm.
They'll put a really ugly
big green tag in it,
and then we have to isolate it
until they can organise transport
-and collect it.
-So that's gotta be slaughtered?
Yup, so it's gonna be slaughtered.
Heifer, would've been having her baby
later on this summer, so
So how many have you lost to TB now?
[Emma] Er About sixty.
[Jeremy] Jesus!
So, half the herd, yeah.
So, we should be milking a 120
and we're milking 60.
So yeah, so not currently viable
as a business, really.
[Jeremy] That is what life is like
for so many cow farmers these days.
Soul destroying.
But at least the winter home
for my small herd was finally ready.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] And what's more,
we'd been given the perfect day
for moving them into it.
[thunder]
Oh!
-[Kaleb] Holy shit!
-Jesus Christ.
[Kaleb] I can't get these.
[Jeremy] I have not seen rain like this
in quite a while.
Oh man.
Oh, my arm.
[Kaleb groans]
No, it goes this way.
[wind blowing]
Is that the wind?
[Kaleb] I can't. My arm's stuck.
[laughter]
[Jeremy] Christ.
I hope the cows don't argue
about being taken inside today.
-Ow!
-[Kaleb laughs]
[Jeremy] Yeah, it's definitely easing up.
[Kaleb] Don't we just love farming?
[Jeremy] Yeah, it's my favourite thing.
[Kaleb laughs]
[Jeremy] Fucking hell.
They've actually got snow on them.
[Kaleb] Come on, then.
Come on, then. Come on.
Come on, moo cows.
Hello, you.
Yeah, hello, come on.
-[mooing]
-Shit!
What's the matter with this cow?
Did you see that?
He tried to kick me.
[Kaleb] That one's the aggressive one.
No, no, no. Stop it.
Stop it.
-[mooing]
-What the fuck? Stop it!
I'm being attacked by a cow!
Straight into the shed Jeremy,
straight to the back of it.
[Jeremy] Come on, cows.
We've got a lovely new house for you,
cows.
[Jeremy] The only problem was
they weren't that interested in it.
-[Kaleb] Call 'em quickly, call 'em!
-[Jeremy] Come on then, cows.
Come on, cows!
Oh, for heaven's sake.
[Kaleb] What the fuck is going on
with these two?
[Jeremy] Come on, cows.
-[Lisa] Good girls, come on.
-[Jeremy] Come on!
That's it, come on.
Needs to be blocked off here, too.
-[Jeremy] Ay up, cows.
-[Lisa] Ay up.
[Jeremy] Ay up, cows. Ay up!
Oh my God. One of them's a mountaineer,
it's Chris Bonington the cow.
-[Kaleb] Jeremy, feed them on the floor.
-[Charlie] I'll go round the back.
-[Kaleb] Quickly, open the door.
-[Charlie] Good girl! Come on.
-[Kaleb] Jeremy, you hold them.
-[Charlie] No!
[man] Shit!
[Kaleb] Come on, girl.
Lisa, come out that way.
[Lisa] Come on.
Oh God.
[Kaleb] I hate this cow.
[Jeremy] We decided to let
mountaineering cow tire herself out.
[upbeat music]
And went to collect the youngsters
from another field.
My lips are very
I need some, like, Vaseline.
[Lisa] I've got some nipple balm
that's really good for your lips.
-Can I borrow some of your nipple balm?
-[Lisa] Yes, you can.
You've changed.
[Jeremy] Jesus. Come on.
[Kaleb] Famous for driving apparently,
you know.
[Kaleb] Oy!
[Jeremy] Come on, cow.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] With the light fading,
the calves were introduced
to their new home.
[Lisa] Look at that.
[Jeremy] What a great sight that is.
[Jeremy] However,
there was one more job to do.
Round up mountaineering cow.
[Jeremy] Come on, moo cow.
Come on, cow.
There's a good cow. Come on.
Come on.
And there you go.
He's walking off again.
But it can see, look at the--
It can see the hotel I've built for it,
it can smell the bedding, but no.
It just fucks off over there.
-Wanker. Come on.
-[dry food knocking together]
No, I'm not giving in.
Mister cow!
[dry food knocking together]
Come on.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next morning,
having not given in,
mountaineering cow
was finally in the barn.
And as the herd enjoyed their breakfast,
I went through the post.
We have the result back
for badger 350,
which we collected.
This one has tested positive.
Oh, this means we've isolated a bacteria
in the same group
as the one that causes bovine TB.
[sighs]
Which means it's likely all the badgers
on the farm have got TB.
Oh no.
[sighs]
What you got?
This morning's post.
Shit!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] We now had to find out
if the badger's TB
had spread to my poor cows.
And thankfully the timing was right
as they were due
for their six-monthly TB test.
[Jeremy] Oh, stressy day today.
Hi, Dilwyn.
I'm gonna inject tuberculin
which is inactivated TB basically,
and I'm gonna inject it into the skin,
and if they've been exposed to TB
in the past,
-they will react to that injection.
-[Jeremy] Gotcha.
[Dilwyn] Good girl. Good.
-Oh, is that it?
-That is it.
She comes out, and we'll have a look
at her in three days' time.
[Kaleb] Good girl. Steady, good girl.
[Jeremy] There you go.
Pepper, come on, darling.
Good girl.
Yup, good.
-Steady. Go.
-[Jeremy] There you go.
-The attack cow.
-[Kaleb] No, no!
You need to know we're in control,
not you.
I am good, ain't I?
-[Jeremy] She is a violent one that one.
-[Kaleb] We need a name for her.
[Jeremy] Genghis Khan.
Is that the flip-flap person?
-Who?
-The flip-flop, sorry.
Genghis flip-flop?
Gandhi's flip
I remember hearing about him
at a young farmer's party.
-Gandhi's flip-flop?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
Gandhi and Genghis Khan
are not the same thing.
What's the difference then?
Gandhi was a peace-loving Indian
from the 20th century
who achieved independence for India.
-Yeah.
-Genghis Khan murdered and raped
millions of people.
Seems like a twat.
Yeah, you could probably say
Genghis Khan was a twat,
difficult to argue
that Gandhi was a twat.
[Jeremy] Eventually,
Dilwyn had finished testing all 19 cows.
[Jeremy] It's not fun this, is it.
[Kaleb] I hate this.
I just get nervous.
I mean, I like these cows.
[Jeremy] I like them.
I've seen cows go down with TB
and it's like, that's it, your end.
I don't know about you,
did you feel like--
I'm crapping myself
'cause I've got all weekend.
We don't find out 'til Monday.
[melancholic music]
Meeting great big men when I come out,
you know,
blokes with axes and stuff.
[Dilwyn] Right, moment of truth.
The applicant's conduct is shameful.
All those in favour of refusal,
please show.
[theme music playing]