Columbo (1971) s06e01 Episode Script
Fade in to Murder
What do you think? I think that I had better try and help you.
Would you? Oh, that would be an honor.
Detective Lucerne helping me.
Wait till I tell my wife.
You.
Hands up.
No noise.
We still think it was premeditated, don't we? Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose? And here I thought you were in shock.
You thought I was confused.
You're right.
Perhaps scared.
You're amazing.
If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
That's ridiculous.
Is it? Half-a-dozen people have already attested to the fact that I was nowhere near the Baker home on the night she was killed.
Not one of those six people realized he was listening to a recording.
Not one of those six people realized that vague illusion moving behind the screen was not you at all, but someone else.
A fascinating theory.
You know, some people think you're the most brilliant detective of our times.
I tend to agree because, as it happens, you're absolutely right.
Yes, I did kill Mrs.
Baker.
But for all your vaunted brilliance, Lucerne, there's no way in the world that you can prove what I've just said.
Ah, the other half of the team.
The gentleman whose silhouette impersonated you so well behind the screen.
It's Joseph, isn't it? It'll be a treasure to pill you, Mr.
Lucerne I'm sorry! "Treasure to pill you?" He was all right up to there.
Replace him.
Claire, don't you understand? The studio doesn't pick up one cent of this extra tab on Ward, we do.
You and I, we produce the show.
We own it.
This extra money for Ward is coming out of our pockets.
Why don't you just let me handle that? Now, gentlemen, may we continue? Who does Ward Fowler think he is? Now, look, Claire.
As representative of this studio I will not stand for this precedent.
There is no actor in the business who is irreplaceable.
Claire, Ward Fowler is not the first actor on this network to win an Emmy, and he's already one of the highest paid performers in television.
If we give in to him now Now, say you don't give in to him.
He walks.
Then what are you going to do? Without Ward Fowler, there isn't going to be any next year for this show.
And because of Ward Fowler, Detective Lucerne has the highest rating in television.
Sid and I have given you a show that has been a winner year in and year out.
But Ward Fowler is the show.
As the other half and rather silent partner of this team, I'm afraid I have to go along with my wife.
Try to look pleasant, Ward.
You're supposed to be pleased when you get a raise.
How many times must I tell you that? Do you enjoy insulting me, Claire, as much as you enjoyed making love to me? Or more? You didn't use to think I was so bad.
Well, I, didn't used to think.
Neither did I, if I remember.
You do remember? What a tribute.
You know, I don't buy this hell-hath-no-fury act of yours.
I just think it's your way of blackmailing me and feeling wronged all at the same time.
And, you know, it's so wasteful.
'Cause I'd give you anything you asked for.
Just 'cause you asked for it.
You know that, don't you? I know you invented me and I'm still grateful.
I get a little bored with this kind of talk.
You give me what I want because there's nothing you can do about it, and that's the only reason.
Otherwise, darling, grateful or not, you wouldn't give me the sweat off your personality.
Joe! Joe, those were marvelous night scenes.
Wonderful! Thanks, Mrs.
Daley.
Now, Ward, you just keep remembering that I invented you, all of you, and I only take half for my trouble.
Just half.
Off the top.
Buy the silver, the usual way.
You're quite the little dictator.
You know, you sound like that show we did last August.
The one where we tried to make the murderer sympathetic.
Oh, yes.
That was because the blackmailer was so dictatorial and vicious.
Well, I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you.
You wouldn't make a murderer, not even a sympathetic one.
That much personality you don't have.
Excuse me.
There's a call for you, Mrs.
Daley.
Where would you like to take it? Mrs.
Daley's gonna take the telephone call in my dressing room.
Thank you.
Where else would Mrs.
Daley take her telephone calls? No, that's all right, Cathy.
Yes, I can make the 9:20 preview.
But I No.
I'll have to leave from the office.
I have tons of work to do.
No.
You thank Mark for me, but he is Ward's gofer, not mine.
And, besides, I don't like cheeseburgers.
All right, sweetie, I'll stop at Tony's on the way to the preview and get a sandwich.
Yes, I will.
See, tell Sid that he's sweet, but he should leave.
I'd rather go alone.
Okay, thanks.
Bye-bye.
Sid is having an affair with his secretary.
It makes him so considerate.
It's boring to have so much attention.
Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Claire? Mmm-hmm.
Silver certificates.
I would paper my bedroom with them if I could.
I wouldn't put it past you.
Where would you put it? trail in the top half of the inning The third inning already.
Yeah, I was held up in traffic, Ward.
I'm sorry.
Look, if you have something else to do, just let me know.
Oh, but I don't, honest.
I've been looking forward to this game like crazy.
Good.
You know how I hate watching these things alone.
Here, I'll get you a drink.
Hey, I've been on the wagon for eight months, Ward.
That's a world's record for me.
Huh, Ward? Back in Kansas City, you'll recall, earlier this week and One drink isn't gonna turn you into a pumpkin, you know.
Out there.
Here's the wind, the pitch and the swing and a high, pop fly on the infield.
Settling under it, the shortstop, Jones, who makes the catch.
One away! Los Angeles with one out, a tie game at three and here comes first baseman, Tony Eberly Uh-oh.
We're in trouble.
Eberly's up.
Automatic out.
What're you talking about? He's a good kid.
Couple more years, he'll be right there.
No way.
He can't hit in a clinch.
Are you kidding? Wanna put your money where your mouth is? Yeah.
Ten bucks says he gets a hit.
You're on.
You got it.
Swings into the wind-up and here's the pitch.
Fastball, high.
And taken by Eberly, it's ball one.
Ball one.
If he gets a walk, no bet.
Eberly digs in.
Waves that bat back and forth.
Brenner leans in, gets his sign from Kowalski.
Here's the wind and here comes the pitch.
Swung on and a high fly ball, foul and drifting into the stands in leftfield.
One ball, one strike to Eberly.
Here's the wind, here comes the pitch.
Swung on and missed.
Ooh, he had his best rip at that one, but he swung through a fastball, knee-high on the inside.
Brought it in under the fist, did Whitey Brenner.
And so the count goes one and two on Eberly.
One out, no one aboard for Los Angeles.
Brenner looks in, gets his sign.
The outfield deep around toward leftfield.
Here's the wind and here comes the pitch Wahlberg sprinting around first and he comes into second with a stand-up double.
So we swing into the top of the fifth inning, and we're all tied at You gotta mix it up a little.
You gotta live, sweetie.
Tony.
Tony, for ten years you have been trying to corrupt me.
What can I do? I am a purist.
So will you please wrap up my sandwich and on the double because I have to be at a preview in ten minutes.
Ah, it is a pity m'lady.
Cast out these beautiful morsels from our life Tony.
Tony! You are auditioning again for me, Tony! Please, I told you Let's play it simple.
No noise.
You.
Hands up.
Hey, is this a joke? Quiet, shut up! What have you got? Cash.
Hey, she's a friend of mine.
Shut up, I said! Open the cash register.
I already made a deposit this morning.
That's all I got for you.
I swear to God, take it.
The guy across the street Turn around.
Put your hands up.
You, move ahead.
Move around.
Hold it! Put your hands up.
My hands Up.
Higher.
Walk to the door.
Please, don't.
I said walk to the door.
Ward? It is you, isn't it? Move to the door, Claire.
You're wrong.
I know you.
You're not the type.
Keep your hands up.
Higher! Why should I do what you tell me to do if you're going to kill me anyway? Because if you do as I say, maybe I won't.
Well, this is one mess you're going to have to clean up for yourself.
I am going to lower my hands now and leave.
Good night, Ward.
A double in the bottom of the sixth inning by has given Los Angeles a 7-5 lead and we're ready to go in the seventh inning.
Leading it off will be Vince Carr.
Whitey Brenner was relieved by Kowalski back in the fourth inning He's into the wind-up and here comes the pitch.
Carr swings and misses.
It's 0 and 1.
A good fastball.
Carr hitting.
231 on the season.
Seventh inning here in Los Angeles.
A beautiful night and the score is 7-5, L.
A.
The wind and the pitch and a high fly ball to left And here comes Scooter D'Agosta in from the bullpen.
It's a critical spot, now.
Bases loaded.
We got two outs in the ninth inning.
And the game is 7-6.
D'Agosta has won four and lost three on this season, has eight saves.
He's a From Brenner and the count now is full, three balls, two strikes on Tony Eberly.
We're tied at three in the bottom of the third inning Mark! Wake up! You're missir the game! Hey! How can you fall asleep? Eberly's got the count to three and two.
And a high-fly ball, sliced down the right field line.
Fair or foul? It's at the foul pole.
It's a home run! You just lost ten big ones, fella.
Pay up.
The dope finally made it.
Oh, what a head.
Come on.
You'll sleep it off.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
There you go.
I should've realized you can't take the stuff.
I'm sorry, Ward.
Just a few minutes.
He's had trouble getting his curve ball over tonight.
1- 1, the count.
The pitch to Johnson Swung on, a line drive.
Base hit into leftfield.
Johnson circles at first, the throw comes into second, he holds at first with a solid base hit to left.
And with one out, a 4-3 lead, Johnson at first base, and here's catcher, Phil Baxter.
What have you got, Morella? Hey, Lieutenant.
We're gonna wanna ask him some more questions before you take him in for x-ray.
You bet.
Got us a dead lady and one pretty beat up deli owner.
What happened? Robbery.
Guy comes in all bundled up like a downill racer.
Comes over to here, lady's over here.
Tony's behind the cash register.
Takes her money, grabs the money out of the till, shoves Tony up against the oven.
He starts pistol-whipping him.
The lady must've started to go because Tony heard the guy yell, "Don't move.
" Went back to pistol-whipping him, the lady must've really got scared and started to run.
The guy came out, shot her in the back.
You got an ID? Almost celebrity, you might say.
You ever watch a show called Detective Lucerne? Are you kidding? We never miss that show.
What a detective.
Claire Daley.
She produced it, she and her husband.
Here's her wallet, Lieutenant.
Money's gone.
Didn't bother with anything else.
Oh, sir? What's that fella's name? Tony.
Tony! Excuse me, sir.
My name is Columbo, Lieutenant Columbo.
Do you think you can answer a few questions? Yeah, sure.
I'm a little scrambled, but go ahead.
Now, I know this fellow was all covered up, do you remember anything that might set him apart? Like his size or the way he walked, the way he talked? This guy came in.
He was cool as a cucumber.
Wearir a blue parka, and a red ski mask.
A little taller than those bottle of olives on top of that counter.
Not a big guy, about your height.
Average height.
Well, that's right, average height.
Or a little shorter.
Or shorter.
Well, that's about it.
She was a sweet person.
We go back ten years, Lieutenant.
There we are.
Two weeks after I opened up the place.
What a soul this lady had.
Find him, Lieutenant, please.
All right, kill the noise! Let's have quiet, please! Roll 'em.
And action! Jimmy, Jimmy.
Let's go in tight.
Tight, tight.
I'm as tight as I can go.
Get down! We're shooting a movie.
Get down.
Get down.
Cut! Cut! What is this? Who is that? Let's move it.
We've cut.
It's a little too late to be careful, sir.
I'm sorry, I Oh, what is going on here? Will somebody get the security guards? I can't tell you how sorry I am, sir Would you mind very much, sir for making this disturbance.
I really can't tell you.
My name is Columbo.
I'm from the police.
We're ready when you are.
Lieutenant Columbo.
No, that's all right, Danny.
Just hold on a second.
It's all right.
Never mind the security.
Okay.
Take five! You'll have to excuse me, Lieutenant Columbo.
I'm terribly sorry.
How can I help you? Oh, that's very nice of you, sir.
I appreciate that.
After what I did.
Gee whiz.
Where was I? This is a little difficult.
I'm looking for a Mr.
Daley.
Sid Daley? He wasn't at his house last night and he wasn't there this morning, and they just told me at his office that they don't know when he's gonna be in, so I was wondering if, you know, I thought maybe somebody here would have an idea where he might be.
Yes, this is about Claire, isn't it? Yes, sir.
Yes.
I'm afraid it is.
I heard about the shooting on the radio.
And I still I still can't I mean I I can't quite I keep expecting her to walk in through the door.
I know it's silly for me to think that No.
You want some ice? No, no, no, no, no.
But she was something special to me.
I mean, everybody felt that, but she was.
I wouldn't be won'th a damn today, if it wasn't for her.
And it was more than that.
She was my friend.
Hey.
Take it easy, Ward Exactly what time did it happen, Lieutenant? Last night, sir.
About ten minutes to nine.
Ten minutes to nine.
God knows what I was doing when she could have used my help.
Alone in my room, probably, with some idiot script.
You were not, you were watching the ballgame with me.
I was? A ballgame? Oh, God.
I hope I wasn't.
I was alone.
I hope I wasn't But you werert alone.
Listen, Lieutenant, he's upset.
He's nervous, you know? And he Mark, for God's sakes! Will you stop it! This isn't one of my shows! This actually happened.
Claire's Claire's dead.
Now, will you take that soup and get out of here.
I can't take anymore today.
Look, all I meant was you Will you just get out of here! Sir And stay out! Sir, he didn't mean any harm, if you'll forgive me for saying so, sir.
I sometimes have a silly effect on people, you know what I mean? Just being a police lieutenant, you know.
At least, I hope that's why.
Yes, I'm sure it is.
Your friend, sir.
He was just trying to be nice.
What? Oh.
Him.
No, no.
He wasn't trying to be nice.
He was trying to fix me up with an alibi.
Then it wasn't true? What, Lieutenant? I Excuse me.
I keep swimming in and out of myself.
Well, you know, that's what happens, sir.
It's kind of like being in shock.
Maybe you ought to sit down for a minute, sir.
I am not in shock.
I don't need to sit down.
What was it that you asked me? Well, sir, it was only what you said about being fixed up with an alibi.
I mean, did he have a reason to? Lieutenant, would you mind speaking clearly? Did who have a reason to do what? Make an alibi, sir, your friend.
I mean, were you watching the ballgame at ten minutes to nine, sir, with him? Oh, I see.
Well Yes, I suppose I was.
I don't have an exact memory about time, that's why I have Mark.
And if he says I was, I was.
He's very responsible about time.
That's what makes him a superior gofer.
You think she was murdered, don't you? I beg your pardon, sir? You heard me.
Yes, sir, I did.
I mean Yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir.
I mean, I think the robbery was staged to cover-up the murder.
How did you know, sir? Why else would you be here? It could be just a routine check, sir.
No, Lieutenant.
They don't send a police detective stumbling around asking silly, fake-innocent questions on a routine check.
I know that from my show.
Well, silly, fake-innocent questions like what, sir? Like, "Mr.
Daley wasn't at home last night.
"He wasn't there this morning.
They told me at the office.
"Said they didn't know when he'd be in, "and I was wondering" "if anybody here had any idea where he would be.
" A man on a routine check Your chair, sir.
Just asks for Mr.
Daley.
Thank you.
Well, you're absolutely amazing, sir.
You're right.
And here I thought you were in shock.
No, you didn't.
You thought I was confused.
Perhaps scared.
And probably playing for time.
Amazing.
What makes you think her murder was premeditated? The usual thing, sir.
Little facts that plain don't fit, you know, sir.
Anything I hate, it's one of those little facts.
Doesn't ever seem to matter how small it is, either, sir.
It could be this big.
Like he left the credit cards behind.
I mean, why does a street robber grab money from a wallet and leave the credit cards? They're won'th a pretty good piece of change on the black market.
You see what I mean, sir? Credit cards.
What else? Oh, there was an alligator bag.
A diamond ring.
I doubt very much if a robber in a hurry, on the edge of panic, is gonna take the time to pull the ring off of Claire's finger.
You mean, sir You mean, if she was dead, he couldn't get it off? Well, she is, I believe, isn't she? Well, yes, sir.
But he could have asked her for it first.
Before he shot her.
I remember Claire trying to get that ring off at a party once.
Some silly game people were playing.
She couldn't.
Not even with soap.
And you can check that out with her husband.
He was the one that asked her to take it off.
He was on the other team.
Boy, when you say you studied, you aren't kidding, are you, sir? Well, then, what about the alligator bag? An alligator bag that is six years old is apt to be worn-looking.
It doesn't look like it's won'th very much.
It probably isn't.
How do you happen to know all that much about her bag, sir? I gave it to her.
Well, that takes care of that, doesn't it? Right.
Well, I guess, then there's only the credit cards, sir.
If the killer is an idiot.
I beg your pardon, sir, I don't quite follow your meaning there.
Well, you don't kill a woman and then sell the credit cards with her name on it.
The police have been known to bribe fences before, you know.
Well, of course.
I'm sorry, sir.
I should've thought of that myself.
Jeez, I guess you're right, aren't you? Not a lot to go on, is there? Cup of coffee? Sir? Except the panic.
The panic? Yes, sir.
I might have something in this area.
See what you think.
Mrs.
Daley was shot at a distance of 30 feet and she was shot in the back.
Are you with me so far? Yes, I think I can grasp that.
Now, Tony He's the owner of the deli.
He said that the killer was "cool as a cucumber.
" That's a direct quote, sir.
So that means that when Mrs.
Daley tried to run, that's when he lost his cool.
See, that's when he panicked and he shot her.
But he hit her right in the heart, sir, and at the distance of 30 feet while she was running.
Now, that's hard to do in a panic.
What do you think? I think that I had better try and help you because you're going to ask me to, aren't you? You did it again, sir.
You read my mind.
Would you? Oh, that would be an honor.
Detective Lucerne helping me.
Wait till I tell my wife.
Somebody asking for me? Oh, Sid, it's all right.
This is Lieutenant Columbo from the police department.
This is Claire's husband, Sid Daley.
Sid, what can I tell you? You know how I How I felt about Claire, huh? We're ready, Mr.
Fowler! Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Whoops! We're hooked.
I'm terribly sorry to have this happen at such a tense moment.
Mr.
Fowler, we're ready! I said, I'll be there.
I'd better watch this, Lieutenant.
Do you mind? What's the story, huh? We're running a little late, Sidney.
Let's move it, huh? Lieutenant, what about this robber? Do you have any leads? Well, sir The truth is, it seems to be a little bit more complicated than a robbery, sir.
Oh? What the Lieutenant is saying is that he's come to the conclusion that Claire may have been murdered and the robbery may be a cover-up.
Murdered? That's insane.
Don't you think you should have come to me first with this, Lieutenant? Well, I tried to, sir.
I've been looking for you ever since last night.
I was with my lawyer last night.
We meet for chess once or twice a month, and last night turned out to be a marathon session.
We didn't quit until five in the morning, so I stayed over.
Thank you, sir.
This friend, sir, the lawyer, where can I reach him? Is this a grilling session? What am I? Some kind of suspect or something? Nothing personal, sir.
I have to ask these routine questions.
Well, his name is Leo Hart.
But I think you're gonna have trouble contacting him.
He took the plane for Rome at noon.
We're ready to roll.
Let's do it then, huh? Mark! Why don't you entertain the Lieutenant while we shoot this.
I'm sure he's seen this, anyway.
Seen it? He was in it.
Yeah, you know, Ward is right.
Time is my business, you know, and I always know it.
Oh, boy, am I hung-over today.
I'll be glad when this day's over.
Hey, what time you got, Lieutenant? Are you kidding? Jeez, I paid a thousand smackers for this watch.
I lost five minutes overnight.
Do you mind, sir? I have never seen a thousand dollar watch before.
Boy, that must be solid gold.
That's platinum.
Oh, no wonder it looks so different.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your watch, sir.
You have Yeah, but it should be five minutes past eleven.
I always set my watch, you know, five minutes fast.
You know, you're always racing against time 24 hours a day.
Excuse me, sir, are those men members of your crew? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They're with us all the time.
Good.
I think I'll have a word with them.
Thank you very much for everything.
Excuse me, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.
I wonder if I can have a word with you? We're gonna have the hotel in the shot, right? Everything.
On the master, right? In the master, right.
Okay.
This is where He comes up right here.
Can I ask you this? What now? This is just the way we discussed it.
This we do on stage This is on stage three, right? Right.
Stage three.
How long do we stay there? Two days at the most.
Then we go to four.
Well, what I wanna know Would you make a note of this, Cathy? What I wanna know is do we really need this set? Excuse me, sir.
I don't wanna interrupt you.
Is that the shark from Jaws? Yeah, I believe it is, Lieutenant.
That's the one that they used in the picture? I think so.
Well, that looks different to me.
I can't help that.
If we do scene 31 on stage four Could they have two? I You know, because in the picture Lieutenant at the end, it got all mangled.
Lieutenant, I know you didn't come here to talk about sharks.
I'm pressed for time.
What do you want? Well, I just wanted to ask a couple questions We got wardrobe in five minutes.
I can give you two minutes.
Fine.
Thank you very much.
I understand, sir, that you and your wife were living apart.
That's true, Lieutenant.
We haven't been close for some time now.
Would you know, sir, whether or not she was seeing somebody? I don't mean to get personal, but somebody whom she might be emotionally involved with? Claire was devoted to her work, Lieutenant.
She wasn't any more interested in lovers than she was in her husband.
It made for a pretty miserable marriage.
Well, still, you must've gotten along pretty good.
I mean, you were partners in business.
Partners? That was on paper, Lieutenant.
Claire fought me on everything.
She had to have things done her way.
If I said white, she'd say black.
All you have to do is take a look at this new Ward Fowler contract.
Paying an actor that kind of money is insanity.
Now, wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Are you saying that you didn't wanna pay him that money? I think they should have turned him down.
I think he would have folded.
But Claire argued me right under the table.
I was an idiot for giving in.
Now, if this show takes a dip they'll drop it.
I still don't understand.
You and your wife were partners.
Now, isn't it to her best interest not to give him all that money? In anything involving Ward, she always took his side.
Forgive me for asking this, sir.
I seem to remember stories that at one time they were pretty close.
Are you suggesting that their relationship was still pretty close? Yeah.
But not the way you mean it, Lieutenant.
Oh, sure, they'd had a big romance, but by the time I came into the picture, it was dead.
But that didn't mean that Claire was finished watching over Ward's career.
She stopped being a lover and she became a mother.
Sent him off to have his teeth capped.
Made him drop ten pounds.
Showed him how to comb his hair.
It sounds like she was proud of him.
It was ego.
Claire's ego.
You learn.
Lieutenant Columbo.
No problem.
No problem.
Lieutenant Lucerne.
I just wanted to fill you in, sir.
Right.
What have we got? Nothing.
We still think it was premeditated, don't we? Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose? Well, I suppose if that's your instinct, then it must be right.
My instinct about Claire, and I don't have any clues to go on, is that she was what they call, I believe the term is victim-prone.
Some people are, you know? And Claire, well, Claire was given to taunting people.
She was a born victim.
She was the kind who asks for it.
In her marriage, in her life Quite possibly in her death.
That's fascinating, sir.
You've got quite a way of putting things.
Especially about Mrs.
Daley.
Let me ask you, sir.
Could you maybe tell me more about her? Not much.
But you're right.
About what, sir? What you're thinking.
I was lying before.
I didn't like Claire very much.
I haven't for years.
Which doesn't mean to say I wasn't shocked by the news of her death, I was.
And I was still a little bit shook up when you first walked in, so I said whatever sounded right to a detective.
Some other detective.
Not you.
Please sit down.
- Properties, a glass for the Lieutenant, please.
- Yes, sir.
You had me absolutely fooled, sir.
Really? Scout's honor.
Even after you asked a few questions around the set? Thank you.
Our fights, Claire's and mine, werert always discreet.
And some of them were overheard, I believe.
You must have been told by the crew.
You know how people talk.
Yes, I do.
I know exactly how they talk.
But gossip doesn't mean anything, sir, does it? One way or another.
I mean, we still don't have anything to go on except the fact that the killer hit the bull's-eye from 30 feet.
If he hit the bull's-eye, Lieutenant.
What do you mean, sir? I mean that there's as good a chance of a man hitting the shoulder as there is of his hitting the heart.
Which leads us to another theory.
We're going to assume that our man is a robber, with no prior intent to kill anyone.
And we're also going to take into account the fact that a bullet aimed high at the back has a better than 28% chance of killing the victim by hitting a vital organ in a crime that is not premeditated by a robber who is not an expert marksman.
Now, what do you think the odds rise to if the man is an expert marksman.
Do you think an ex-mercenary, a kid hung-up on guns, excuse me, a former policeman, shoots still targets? No.
Part of being an expert marksman is hitting a moving target.
And a man who is accustomed to firearms enough to be an expert marksman is often in a situation of panic.
That's brilliant, sir.
That's very impressive.
No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, sir.
I forgot.
Forgot what? The dress.
The what? I think I can show you what I mean, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you draw a circle back there right around the area of the heart? Don't press too hard, sir.
I don't wanna ruin the coat.
Now what? Now I drop my hands.
Do you see what happened to that circle, sir? When I dropped my hands, the circle dropped, too.
Now, when I first saw Mrs.
Daley's body, I noticed that she was wearing one of those tight-fitting dresses.
And that the bullet hole in the dress was about an inch below the actual wound in her body, which meant that she had to be holding her hands up when she was shot.
And she couldn't be running away, could she? I mean, with her hands standing like this.
No one runs for their lives with their hands straight up.
So, either she was walking with her hands straight up or she was standing still with her hands straight up when the gunman shot her in the back.
Very well done.
But I wish you had said something before about this.
It would've saved us a lot of time, wouldn't it? Well, we're back to our deliberate murderer, aren't we? And this time there's no doubt about it.
Really, Lieutenant, really well done.
Ward, the car's ready to leave for the back lot.
This is what the police artist came up with.
Not much help, is it? No help at all, sir.
I shouldn't have wasted your time.
Well, I'll just let myself out.
Thank you very much.
Where is the Oh! There's the door.
Lieutenant, where do you think he got the costume? Well, funny you should mention that, sir.
I've been asking myself that same question all day.
There's a couple of odd things about it.
Neither the parka nor the ski mask have any markings on them.
No way to trace them and they were cut to ribbons, anyway.
You certainly lock yourself in here, sir.
And very smart to do it, too.
Oh, here we go.
No, that doesn't work either.
You think he mutilated the disguise because he was afraid someone might recognize it? Exactly, sir.
Boy, do you and I think the same way.
It's amazing.
Isn't it? I wonder, sir.
Is there a trick to unlocking this door, sir? I can't seem to manage it.
Everybody has trouble with this.
Thank you very much, sir.
Oh, did I mention the mask? That it was slashed? No.
That it had makeup on it.
The lab turned it up, sir.
Where would he find a mask that had makeup on it? That's a very good question.
I believe you know the answer.
I believe I do, sir.
We could be looking for a woman.
Precisely.
We've assumed all along it was a man, but it's possible we were wrong.
Particularly in the light of this.
Oh, I'm relieved to hear you say that, sir.
I thought you were going to say it was impossible because of Tony.
Tony He's the owner of the delicatessen.
Saying that the voice was a mars.
But, the below average height and the fact that the voice was disguised and it was muffled by the mask All indicate at least the possibility of a doubt as to the gender.
The lab is going to be running some more tests on that makeup, so I'll report tomorrow.
You should be on salary, sir, with these hours.
I feel I am.
Good working with you.
Thank you.
I guess I just got carried away, sir.
I hope you don't mind.
No, no.
It's all right.
These shoes, sir, they're really terrific.
Now I know why, Lieutenant Lucerne, he always look so tall.
Yes, well, I would appreciate a certain amount of discretion in that matter, Lieutenant.
Public image, you know.
Oh, right, sir.
Oh, well, you don't have to worry about a thing, sir.
As far as I'm concerned, you're four inches taller than I am.
And that's the end of it.
Thank you, Lieutenant Columbo.
My pleasure, Lieutenant Lucerne.
Sir, I got the second lab report on the mask, so I hurried right over.
Yes? It turns out that it probably isn't a woman, sir.
You see, it was actor's makeup.
Not the kind of makeup that women use in the street.
Pancake.
Women very often use a brand of makeup that's made up for actors like pancake.
I, for example, use precisely that product myself.
Yes, sir.
I know.
Yes.
I'm sure you do by now.
No, but the point here is something else, sir.
You see, the lab found traces of four different shades of makeup on that mask.
And women, you know, they don't usually change shades that much.
So, in the light of that, sir, I got to thinking.
Where did it lead you to this time? A guess, sir.
A professional makeup man? Right, sir.
And then to my makeup table.
Oh, no, sir.
No, sir.
No.
I only came here to see you.
Honest.
I was just fooling around with the shoes just to pass the time for something to do until you came in.
No.
I didn't look at another thing while I was here.
That means you didn't have to.
You already know something.
Where did you look? Guess, sir.
I'll give you three guesses.
The studio wardrobe department.
You got it in one, sir.
That's absolutely amazing.
You're right.
The parka and the ski mask.
That's where they both came from.
And the gun? Come on, sir.
You're putting me on.
You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.
Of course.
How stupid of me.
No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department.
How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne make a mistake like that? Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Well, what's the difference, sir? The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder.
And a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes.
He's apt to get rattled.
Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder? Lieutenant Lucerne did.
He did? Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir? He had to face the same fact you did.
What fact is that, sir? There are only four people who could have murdered Claire.
You mean the four people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night.
Exactly! And only one of those is instantly associated with makeup, wardrobe and props.
Well, now, let's see.
Mrs.
Daley took the call from her secretary in your dressing room when she said that she was going to Oh, what's his name, sir? Tony's.
You know Tony, sir.
He's the one who If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
Sorry, sir.
Have I said that before? So the number of people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night, her secretary, Mr.
Sid Daley, Mark I'm curious as to how Mark knew.
Well, sir, Mark offered to bring her a cheeseburger and she told her secretary to tell him that she not only didn't want a gofer, she didn't want a cheeseburger, either.
And that she was going to get a sandwich over at Tony's.
And she said to tell her husband the same thing.
I see.
Well, no you don't, sir.
I mean, you must have seen before.
Because you were in the room when she took the call, werert you? She made it from this dressing room.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
I'm not in the habit of listening to other people's telephone calls.
I didn't know that Claire was going to Tony's.
You didn't, sir? Absolutely not, Lieutenant.
Then how did you know, sir, that there were only four people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night and how did you know that you were one of them? The same way you did.
I asked Claire's secretary and she informed me that the call was made from my room.
You did, sir? Oh, yes, I did, Lieutenant.
Oh, that's very good, sir.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
I believe you meant that.
Oh, I did, sir.
I'd say we make rather a good team, don't you? Yeah.
Sort of like Sherlock Holmes and Watson, sir.
No, no, no, no, no.
More like Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes.
Well, what I mean, sir, is the way I see it, I'm working with the highest paid detective in the world.
It's not as high as it sounds.
Not when you have to pay out as much as I do.
Well, I gotta get to work on Sid Daley.
Boy, it's hard to find someone in Rome, sir.
Yes, I imagine.
But his story has to be checked out just like anybody else's.
Oh, by the way, sir, did I mention that we found the gun in the prop department? No.
What you said was that was where you were gonna look for one.
Oh, that's right, sir.
Right.
And you didn't wanna jump to conclusions.
No good detective should.
Was there anything on the gun? Anything like what, sir? Fingerprints, what else? Oh, right.
No, I don't think so, sir.
The lab is still running tests.
By the way, sir, why do you think he put the gun back and threw away everything else? Perhaps because he didn't have time to get rid of the gun safely.
Guns are very easy to trace.
And the prop room may have seemed the safest place to him.
I think you hit it again, sir.
Ready when you are, Mr.
Fowler.
Be right there.
Oh, sir, if you didn't think I was gonna be in the way, I would love to No.
Not at all.
Be my guest.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
I appreciate that.
Excuse me, sir.
I don't wanna appear grabby, but do you think I could have one of these, sir? Certainly.
As many as you want.
That's the usual publicity nonsense.
Ward Fowler this, Ward Fowler that.
Nothing.
Nothing to you sir, but to my wife Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink.
But blend it on.
All right.
No.
I mean blend it, especially on this side.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Like that? I can't tell.
Oh, am I in the way, sir? Oh, forgive me.
I didn't mean to intrude, That's all right, Lieutenant.
That's remarkable.
Yes, sir.
Remarkable how you do that, sir.
My wife would like to have you around.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
You know, this bio, sir, it doesn't say anything about when you were first discovered, and what you were doing when you were discovered, who discovered you.
I'm going to have a little chat with the publicity department about that.
Come to think of it, sir, it was Mrs.
Daley who discovered you, wasn't it? Now, Lieutenant, I told you all about that with great emotion and in great detail the first time we met.
Well, that's what I mean, sir, it should be in here.
Excuse me, Kenny.
Thank you.
Where were you and when Lieutenant, why don't you just ask me what it is you wanna know? Where did Mrs.
Daley discover you, sir? That's something even my wife doesn't know.
It doesn't say anything here in the bio.
It doesn't even say whether Ward Fowler's your real name or not.
And that's something any Lieutenant Lucerne fan would wanna know.
Why don't we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple for one moment.
I'm gonna confide something in you.
Anything you tell me, sir, it's between us.
Like the shoes.
Lieutenant, my real name, so help me, Charles Kipling.
And you're the only one who knows that.
Now, Charles Kipling was in a little bit of trouble when Claire first found him.
Actually, I was doing theater in Toronto.
Claire and I hit it off big, she thought I had a great future, she persuaded me to leave Canada.
And that was the beginning.
The trouble straightened itself out, of course.
But I've always been a little sensitive about it.
You understand? Oh, I certainly do, sir.
Lou, Lou, I'm talking, but you're not listening.
There's no money in the budget.
Lou, will you believe me? There's no money.
Look, that's the way it is, take it or leave it.
Good.
Good.
You got yourself a deal.
What is it this time, Lieutenant? I'm a very busy man.
There was no one out there, sir.
It's all right.
So I just came in.
Congratulations.
Congratulations for what? I heard you came into a lot of money.
I see.
You heard about my little windfall? Yes, sir, I have.
Lieutenant, if you think I knew anything about this, you're wrong.
My lawyer called me and told me my wife's safe deposit box was practically layered with receipts for these silver certificates.
I'll be damned if I can figure out how she did it.
I think the government's gonna have a little trouble, too, because she never declared them as income.
She kept the certificates in a numbered account in a Canadian bank.
And it all goes to you, right, sir? And it all goes to me.
After taxes.
Including a few lovely IOUs from Ward Fowler.
Is that so, sir? That's surprising, isn't it? Considering all the money he makes.
I never question good fortune, Lieutenant.
All I know is that getting along with Ward Fowler is gonna be a lot easier from now on.
What about a drink? That's amazing how she kept it from you.
Well she did.
I just found out about it.
Yes, sir, I know.
Your accountant told me.
Oh.
Well, good.
Then that's it, huh? Yes, sir, that's it.
Oh, there's one more thing, sir.
Mr.
Hart is in Rome.
He's gonna be back in his hotel room in a little while.
Before I talk to him, were you really playing chess the other night? Lieutenant, let's get it straight right now.
I was not with Leo Hart the other night.
But I wasn't busy killing my wife, either.
Yes, Mr.
Daley? Molly, would you come in for a minute? I need your help.
Molly, would you please tell Lieutenant Columbo where I was on Thursday evening, the night my wife was killed? The truth.
Mr.
Daley was with me, Lieutenant.
We left the office together and we were together in my apartment until the next morning.
It's the truth.
Yes, madam.
I believe it is.
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.
I suppose you came here for a confession.
Well, you're not going to get it, sir.
Because you don't have the facts, sir.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna love it.
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
I don't know why you started laughing.
Here.
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.
I suppose you came here for a confession.
Well, you're not going to get it, sir.
I'm just silly, sir, but that machine, that is really fantastic.
How much, roughly, would a thing like that cost? Oh, about $3,000.
Not counting the camera, of course.
Three thousand? Dollars? Why, I can get a new car for that.
Not that I need one.
Lieutenant, you have something to say to me, don't you? Yes, sir.
I'm really sorry to bother you like this, sir.
But just a couple of questions before my report on Sid Daley.
It doesn't look like he could have done it, sir.
He was with a girl and she confirmed it.
I see.
I tell you what.
Let's you and I discuss what I have to tell you first.
And then we can both interrogate Ward Fowler.
You see, as Lieutenant Lucerne, I have a rather unpleasant idea taking shape in my mind.
Brandy? Thank you, sir.
What might that be, sir? Well, that might be And I'm speaking strictly as Lucerne, of course.
Of course.
It just might be, unlikely as it may seem, it just might conceivably be Ward Fowler is the man we're after.
You mean the murderer? Exactly.
No.
Yes.
I know this comes as a shock to you.
But let's think about it.
Let's examine the possibilities.
Well, if you say so, sir, but I don't see where there could be possibly a motive.
Why would Ward Fowler wanna kill Claire Daley? It's Claire Daley who made him famous.
That's what I was wondering and then I got to thinking about the IOUs.
Oh, did you, sir? Yes.
Oddly enough I did.
I'm speaking as Lucerne, of course.
Yes, of course.
Half a million dollars in IOUs.
Wow! I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money that Ward Fowler makes, he could owe Claire Daley that much.
And then it hit me.
What hit you, sir? Coffee? Thank you.
Did you happen to see a show last August that had to do with a man who was being blackmailed by a woman? Oh, yes, sir, I did see that show.
Yes.
He shot her.
Exactly.
Why would Claire Daley blackmail Ward Fowler? And then how? That's where I'm gonna need your help, Lieutenant.
Have you, by any chance, checked with the Toronto police by now? Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
I thought maybe you had.
And they told you They told me that Charles Kipling was an alias.
And that's when you decided to have Ward Fowler's fingerprints checked with the FBI? That is absolutely right, sir.
You're amazing.
Yes, it turns out that Ward Fowler's real name is not Charles Kipling.
It's John Snelling and you're a He's not a Canadian.
He's an American.
And he went to Canada after he deserted during the Korean War.
There you are.
There's your motive.
How would it look if America's favorite detective were known to be a Korean War deserter? Or hadrt that occurred to you? Oh, yes, sir, it did occur to me, but there's something wrong with your thinking.
If you'll forgive a criticism, sir.
I look at it this way.
If Ward Fowler's career was ruined, she wouldn't be able to blackmail him anymore, would she? He wouldn't have anymore money.
And on top of that, the show would fold.
And it would be her show.
Do you understand my point, sir? I mean, does an intelligent woman go and destroy her only means of income? I don't know.
Does she? It's what that character did in the show last August.
That's the implicit threat of every blackmailer, "Pay me or I'll ruin you.
" Can I ask you a question, sir? Why don't we just ask Ward Fowler if he was being blackmailed or not? I asked him.
And? He claims not.
He claims he has what he calls a weakness.
And this weakness has cost him a great deal and Claire Daley was kind enough to lend him enough money to cover his rather extensive losses.
And do you believe him, sir? Taking your argument for him into account, I think so.
I'm not sure.
Do you? Well, it's hard to say, isn't it? I mean, taking your argument against him into account.
I mean, you know, he had an awful lot to conceal.
Did you know that? For example, the Army unit that he deserted from was the artillery.
He was an expert marksman.
I checked on that, too.
He never told me that.
You see? You never know, do you? On the other hand, Ward Fowler has an alibi.
He was with Mark during the whole time during the murder.
And that alibi is ain'tight.
Is it as ain'tight as Sid Daley's? Oh, I think it's more, sir.
I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer.
What do we conclude from this interrogation? Ward Fowler denies having a motive, he won't admit to having means, and he can prove that he didn't have opportunity.
So that leaves us with Sid Daley.
That's a great third act line, isn't it? "That leaves us with Sid Daley.
" Well, I think this has been very helpful, sir.
Thank you very much.
I certainly appreciate it.
Oh.
One more thing, sir.
We got something else on the gun.
Did I mention that? No, you.
Didn't.
What, Lieutenant? A thread sir.
From the parka? No, sir.
We haven't traced the garment from which the thread came from yet, sir.
Lieutenant, if I were you, I'd get a search warrant for all four people involved.
Yes, sir.
That's just exactly what I've done, sir.
In fact Could you open this, sir? I still don't have the knack.
I would like for us to know, Lieutenant, the meaning of this.
Sid, please.
He asked me where you were, Lieutenant.
I hope it's okay that I told him.
May I ask what this was all about? Oh, there's the sweater.
Does it match up with the thread? I think so.
We gotta take it down to the lab, though, Lieutenant.
It's the only piece of clothing that even came close.
I don't know what you're talking about, Lieutenant, but I do know that suspicion is being deliberately cast on me and I can guess by whom.
Well, sir, I won't deny that Lieutenant Lucerne Will you stop calling him Lieutenant Lucerne? He's a television detective.
You can't conduct an investigation based on his suspicions.
Well, sir.
I did have a reason beyond his suspicions.
You see, the gun that killed your wife, sir, had a little piece of thread that got caught on the trigger.
I'm afraid, sir, that that thread came from this sweater.
A thread from my sweater? Yes, sir.
Mohair.
And the lab said navy blue mohair.
And I remembered that was the color of the sweater that you were wearing the first day that I met you.
The morning after she was murdered.
But that's incredible.
Yes, sir, I agree with you.
But I've always had a good memory for colors.
Bravo, Lieutenant.
Even I didn't remember that.
Didn't you, sir? My goodness, that's funny.
You see, because one of the reasons that I remembered the sweater was because you got hooked on it that day.
Following our discussion, sir.
Supposing Lucerne was right before when he got the idea that Ward Fowler was our man.
Supposing Ward Fowler had planted that thread on the gun himself.
I don't quite follow you.
Well, sir, supposing you I mean, supposing Lieutenant Lucerne was right, and Claire Daley was blackmailing you like in the TV show.
Lieutenant, I thought we agreed that I had what you called an iron-clad alibi? Ain'tight, sir, that's what we actually say.
Yes, sir, but you know as well as I do that you could have rigged that alibi.
It was very brave of you, sir, to show me the videotape machine.
You certainly like to take a chance.
And I always wondered, of course, how two drinks could have given Mark such a hangover.
I figured it was phenobarbital.
And then he would be out.
And you'd be able to tape the game, and go over to Tony's, and kill Claire, and get home, and then wake up Mark.
And he would be disoriented and groggy and guilty about drinking.
And when you saw the ballgame on TV, and it looked just about the same as it did when he passed out, he'd be glad to assume he'd only been out for a minute or two instead of the hour and a half that had actually passed.
And you changed his watch, didn't you? And then you changed it back to the right time after he was asleep.
That was a mistake, sir.
You shouldn't have set it to the correct time because Mark always keeps his watch five minutes fast.
I wondered about that.
A thousand dollar watch just doesn't lose five minutes overnight.
Is that it? No, sir.
There's also the height of the criminal.
He's about my height.
And your height without the platform shoes.
And there's one other thing, sir.
You're a crack shot.
Endlessly fascinating, Lieutenant.
But as Lieutenant Lucerne would say, "Where there is no proof, there is no criminal.
" Fascinating, notwithstanding.
But I think, sir, I have the proof.
Here.
What proof? Lieutenant, there are no fingerprints on that gun.
You said so yourself this morning.
This has been a rather silly demonstration, Lieutenant.
Well, you're absolutely right again, sir.
The killer cleaned the gun of all incriminating prints.
But the thing is, he forgot something.
Forgot what? Well, sir, you know that this gun was only used as a prop.
So, of course, it was never filled with anything but blanks.
That is, until you stole it, sir.
And in order to kill Mrs.
Daley, you had to remove the blanks and insert real bullets.
There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir.
But there is a reason that the lab report took so long.
You remembered to clean the gun.
But you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.
Damn! I had to forget something.
That's always how the third act ends.
You see, I've had no rehearsal as a murderer.
I'm, after all, a detective.
Yes, sir, but you did kill Claire Daley, didn't you, sir? She was a blackmailer.
And I killed her.
And up to now, I'm glad I killed her.
And I believe that in this killing the murderer has the sympathetic part.
Does that satisfy you? Yes, sir.
That satisfies me.
Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.
Would you? Oh, that would be an honor.
Detective Lucerne helping me.
Wait till I tell my wife.
You.
Hands up.
No noise.
We still think it was premeditated, don't we? Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose? And here I thought you were in shock.
You thought I was confused.
You're right.
Perhaps scared.
You're amazing.
If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
That's ridiculous.
Is it? Half-a-dozen people have already attested to the fact that I was nowhere near the Baker home on the night she was killed.
Not one of those six people realized he was listening to a recording.
Not one of those six people realized that vague illusion moving behind the screen was not you at all, but someone else.
A fascinating theory.
You know, some people think you're the most brilliant detective of our times.
I tend to agree because, as it happens, you're absolutely right.
Yes, I did kill Mrs.
Baker.
But for all your vaunted brilliance, Lucerne, there's no way in the world that you can prove what I've just said.
Ah, the other half of the team.
The gentleman whose silhouette impersonated you so well behind the screen.
It's Joseph, isn't it? It'll be a treasure to pill you, Mr.
Lucerne I'm sorry! "Treasure to pill you?" He was all right up to there.
Replace him.
Claire, don't you understand? The studio doesn't pick up one cent of this extra tab on Ward, we do.
You and I, we produce the show.
We own it.
This extra money for Ward is coming out of our pockets.
Why don't you just let me handle that? Now, gentlemen, may we continue? Who does Ward Fowler think he is? Now, look, Claire.
As representative of this studio I will not stand for this precedent.
There is no actor in the business who is irreplaceable.
Claire, Ward Fowler is not the first actor on this network to win an Emmy, and he's already one of the highest paid performers in television.
If we give in to him now Now, say you don't give in to him.
He walks.
Then what are you going to do? Without Ward Fowler, there isn't going to be any next year for this show.
And because of Ward Fowler, Detective Lucerne has the highest rating in television.
Sid and I have given you a show that has been a winner year in and year out.
But Ward Fowler is the show.
As the other half and rather silent partner of this team, I'm afraid I have to go along with my wife.
Try to look pleasant, Ward.
You're supposed to be pleased when you get a raise.
How many times must I tell you that? Do you enjoy insulting me, Claire, as much as you enjoyed making love to me? Or more? You didn't use to think I was so bad.
Well, I, didn't used to think.
Neither did I, if I remember.
You do remember? What a tribute.
You know, I don't buy this hell-hath-no-fury act of yours.
I just think it's your way of blackmailing me and feeling wronged all at the same time.
And, you know, it's so wasteful.
'Cause I'd give you anything you asked for.
Just 'cause you asked for it.
You know that, don't you? I know you invented me and I'm still grateful.
I get a little bored with this kind of talk.
You give me what I want because there's nothing you can do about it, and that's the only reason.
Otherwise, darling, grateful or not, you wouldn't give me the sweat off your personality.
Joe! Joe, those were marvelous night scenes.
Wonderful! Thanks, Mrs.
Daley.
Now, Ward, you just keep remembering that I invented you, all of you, and I only take half for my trouble.
Just half.
Off the top.
Buy the silver, the usual way.
You're quite the little dictator.
You know, you sound like that show we did last August.
The one where we tried to make the murderer sympathetic.
Oh, yes.
That was because the blackmailer was so dictatorial and vicious.
Well, I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you.
You wouldn't make a murderer, not even a sympathetic one.
That much personality you don't have.
Excuse me.
There's a call for you, Mrs.
Daley.
Where would you like to take it? Mrs.
Daley's gonna take the telephone call in my dressing room.
Thank you.
Where else would Mrs.
Daley take her telephone calls? No, that's all right, Cathy.
Yes, I can make the 9:20 preview.
But I No.
I'll have to leave from the office.
I have tons of work to do.
No.
You thank Mark for me, but he is Ward's gofer, not mine.
And, besides, I don't like cheeseburgers.
All right, sweetie, I'll stop at Tony's on the way to the preview and get a sandwich.
Yes, I will.
See, tell Sid that he's sweet, but he should leave.
I'd rather go alone.
Okay, thanks.
Bye-bye.
Sid is having an affair with his secretary.
It makes him so considerate.
It's boring to have so much attention.
Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Claire? Mmm-hmm.
Silver certificates.
I would paper my bedroom with them if I could.
I wouldn't put it past you.
Where would you put it? trail in the top half of the inning The third inning already.
Yeah, I was held up in traffic, Ward.
I'm sorry.
Look, if you have something else to do, just let me know.
Oh, but I don't, honest.
I've been looking forward to this game like crazy.
Good.
You know how I hate watching these things alone.
Here, I'll get you a drink.
Hey, I've been on the wagon for eight months, Ward.
That's a world's record for me.
Huh, Ward? Back in Kansas City, you'll recall, earlier this week and One drink isn't gonna turn you into a pumpkin, you know.
Out there.
Here's the wind, the pitch and the swing and a high, pop fly on the infield.
Settling under it, the shortstop, Jones, who makes the catch.
One away! Los Angeles with one out, a tie game at three and here comes first baseman, Tony Eberly Uh-oh.
We're in trouble.
Eberly's up.
Automatic out.
What're you talking about? He's a good kid.
Couple more years, he'll be right there.
No way.
He can't hit in a clinch.
Are you kidding? Wanna put your money where your mouth is? Yeah.
Ten bucks says he gets a hit.
You're on.
You got it.
Swings into the wind-up and here's the pitch.
Fastball, high.
And taken by Eberly, it's ball one.
Ball one.
If he gets a walk, no bet.
Eberly digs in.
Waves that bat back and forth.
Brenner leans in, gets his sign from Kowalski.
Here's the wind and here comes the pitch.
Swung on and a high fly ball, foul and drifting into the stands in leftfield.
One ball, one strike to Eberly.
Here's the wind, here comes the pitch.
Swung on and missed.
Ooh, he had his best rip at that one, but he swung through a fastball, knee-high on the inside.
Brought it in under the fist, did Whitey Brenner.
And so the count goes one and two on Eberly.
One out, no one aboard for Los Angeles.
Brenner looks in, gets his sign.
The outfield deep around toward leftfield.
Here's the wind and here comes the pitch Wahlberg sprinting around first and he comes into second with a stand-up double.
So we swing into the top of the fifth inning, and we're all tied at You gotta mix it up a little.
You gotta live, sweetie.
Tony.
Tony, for ten years you have been trying to corrupt me.
What can I do? I am a purist.
So will you please wrap up my sandwich and on the double because I have to be at a preview in ten minutes.
Ah, it is a pity m'lady.
Cast out these beautiful morsels from our life Tony.
Tony! You are auditioning again for me, Tony! Please, I told you Let's play it simple.
No noise.
You.
Hands up.
Hey, is this a joke? Quiet, shut up! What have you got? Cash.
Hey, she's a friend of mine.
Shut up, I said! Open the cash register.
I already made a deposit this morning.
That's all I got for you.
I swear to God, take it.
The guy across the street Turn around.
Put your hands up.
You, move ahead.
Move around.
Hold it! Put your hands up.
My hands Up.
Higher.
Walk to the door.
Please, don't.
I said walk to the door.
Ward? It is you, isn't it? Move to the door, Claire.
You're wrong.
I know you.
You're not the type.
Keep your hands up.
Higher! Why should I do what you tell me to do if you're going to kill me anyway? Because if you do as I say, maybe I won't.
Well, this is one mess you're going to have to clean up for yourself.
I am going to lower my hands now and leave.
Good night, Ward.
A double in the bottom of the sixth inning by has given Los Angeles a 7-5 lead and we're ready to go in the seventh inning.
Leading it off will be Vince Carr.
Whitey Brenner was relieved by Kowalski back in the fourth inning He's into the wind-up and here comes the pitch.
Carr swings and misses.
It's 0 and 1.
A good fastball.
Carr hitting.
231 on the season.
Seventh inning here in Los Angeles.
A beautiful night and the score is 7-5, L.
A.
The wind and the pitch and a high fly ball to left And here comes Scooter D'Agosta in from the bullpen.
It's a critical spot, now.
Bases loaded.
We got two outs in the ninth inning.
And the game is 7-6.
D'Agosta has won four and lost three on this season, has eight saves.
He's a From Brenner and the count now is full, three balls, two strikes on Tony Eberly.
We're tied at three in the bottom of the third inning Mark! Wake up! You're missir the game! Hey! How can you fall asleep? Eberly's got the count to three and two.
And a high-fly ball, sliced down the right field line.
Fair or foul? It's at the foul pole.
It's a home run! You just lost ten big ones, fella.
Pay up.
The dope finally made it.
Oh, what a head.
Come on.
You'll sleep it off.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
There you go.
I should've realized you can't take the stuff.
I'm sorry, Ward.
Just a few minutes.
He's had trouble getting his curve ball over tonight.
1- 1, the count.
The pitch to Johnson Swung on, a line drive.
Base hit into leftfield.
Johnson circles at first, the throw comes into second, he holds at first with a solid base hit to left.
And with one out, a 4-3 lead, Johnson at first base, and here's catcher, Phil Baxter.
What have you got, Morella? Hey, Lieutenant.
We're gonna wanna ask him some more questions before you take him in for x-ray.
You bet.
Got us a dead lady and one pretty beat up deli owner.
What happened? Robbery.
Guy comes in all bundled up like a downill racer.
Comes over to here, lady's over here.
Tony's behind the cash register.
Takes her money, grabs the money out of the till, shoves Tony up against the oven.
He starts pistol-whipping him.
The lady must've started to go because Tony heard the guy yell, "Don't move.
" Went back to pistol-whipping him, the lady must've really got scared and started to run.
The guy came out, shot her in the back.
You got an ID? Almost celebrity, you might say.
You ever watch a show called Detective Lucerne? Are you kidding? We never miss that show.
What a detective.
Claire Daley.
She produced it, she and her husband.
Here's her wallet, Lieutenant.
Money's gone.
Didn't bother with anything else.
Oh, sir? What's that fella's name? Tony.
Tony! Excuse me, sir.
My name is Columbo, Lieutenant Columbo.
Do you think you can answer a few questions? Yeah, sure.
I'm a little scrambled, but go ahead.
Now, I know this fellow was all covered up, do you remember anything that might set him apart? Like his size or the way he walked, the way he talked? This guy came in.
He was cool as a cucumber.
Wearir a blue parka, and a red ski mask.
A little taller than those bottle of olives on top of that counter.
Not a big guy, about your height.
Average height.
Well, that's right, average height.
Or a little shorter.
Or shorter.
Well, that's about it.
She was a sweet person.
We go back ten years, Lieutenant.
There we are.
Two weeks after I opened up the place.
What a soul this lady had.
Find him, Lieutenant, please.
All right, kill the noise! Let's have quiet, please! Roll 'em.
And action! Jimmy, Jimmy.
Let's go in tight.
Tight, tight.
I'm as tight as I can go.
Get down! We're shooting a movie.
Get down.
Get down.
Cut! Cut! What is this? Who is that? Let's move it.
We've cut.
It's a little too late to be careful, sir.
I'm sorry, I Oh, what is going on here? Will somebody get the security guards? I can't tell you how sorry I am, sir Would you mind very much, sir for making this disturbance.
I really can't tell you.
My name is Columbo.
I'm from the police.
We're ready when you are.
Lieutenant Columbo.
No, that's all right, Danny.
Just hold on a second.
It's all right.
Never mind the security.
Okay.
Take five! You'll have to excuse me, Lieutenant Columbo.
I'm terribly sorry.
How can I help you? Oh, that's very nice of you, sir.
I appreciate that.
After what I did.
Gee whiz.
Where was I? This is a little difficult.
I'm looking for a Mr.
Daley.
Sid Daley? He wasn't at his house last night and he wasn't there this morning, and they just told me at his office that they don't know when he's gonna be in, so I was wondering if, you know, I thought maybe somebody here would have an idea where he might be.
Yes, this is about Claire, isn't it? Yes, sir.
Yes.
I'm afraid it is.
I heard about the shooting on the radio.
And I still I still can't I mean I I can't quite I keep expecting her to walk in through the door.
I know it's silly for me to think that No.
You want some ice? No, no, no, no, no.
But she was something special to me.
I mean, everybody felt that, but she was.
I wouldn't be won'th a damn today, if it wasn't for her.
And it was more than that.
She was my friend.
Hey.
Take it easy, Ward Exactly what time did it happen, Lieutenant? Last night, sir.
About ten minutes to nine.
Ten minutes to nine.
God knows what I was doing when she could have used my help.
Alone in my room, probably, with some idiot script.
You were not, you were watching the ballgame with me.
I was? A ballgame? Oh, God.
I hope I wasn't.
I was alone.
I hope I wasn't But you werert alone.
Listen, Lieutenant, he's upset.
He's nervous, you know? And he Mark, for God's sakes! Will you stop it! This isn't one of my shows! This actually happened.
Claire's Claire's dead.
Now, will you take that soup and get out of here.
I can't take anymore today.
Look, all I meant was you Will you just get out of here! Sir And stay out! Sir, he didn't mean any harm, if you'll forgive me for saying so, sir.
I sometimes have a silly effect on people, you know what I mean? Just being a police lieutenant, you know.
At least, I hope that's why.
Yes, I'm sure it is.
Your friend, sir.
He was just trying to be nice.
What? Oh.
Him.
No, no.
He wasn't trying to be nice.
He was trying to fix me up with an alibi.
Then it wasn't true? What, Lieutenant? I Excuse me.
I keep swimming in and out of myself.
Well, you know, that's what happens, sir.
It's kind of like being in shock.
Maybe you ought to sit down for a minute, sir.
I am not in shock.
I don't need to sit down.
What was it that you asked me? Well, sir, it was only what you said about being fixed up with an alibi.
I mean, did he have a reason to? Lieutenant, would you mind speaking clearly? Did who have a reason to do what? Make an alibi, sir, your friend.
I mean, were you watching the ballgame at ten minutes to nine, sir, with him? Oh, I see.
Well Yes, I suppose I was.
I don't have an exact memory about time, that's why I have Mark.
And if he says I was, I was.
He's very responsible about time.
That's what makes him a superior gofer.
You think she was murdered, don't you? I beg your pardon, sir? You heard me.
Yes, sir, I did.
I mean Yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir.
I mean, I think the robbery was staged to cover-up the murder.
How did you know, sir? Why else would you be here? It could be just a routine check, sir.
No, Lieutenant.
They don't send a police detective stumbling around asking silly, fake-innocent questions on a routine check.
I know that from my show.
Well, silly, fake-innocent questions like what, sir? Like, "Mr.
Daley wasn't at home last night.
"He wasn't there this morning.
They told me at the office.
"Said they didn't know when he'd be in, "and I was wondering" "if anybody here had any idea where he would be.
" A man on a routine check Your chair, sir.
Just asks for Mr.
Daley.
Thank you.
Well, you're absolutely amazing, sir.
You're right.
And here I thought you were in shock.
No, you didn't.
You thought I was confused.
Perhaps scared.
And probably playing for time.
Amazing.
What makes you think her murder was premeditated? The usual thing, sir.
Little facts that plain don't fit, you know, sir.
Anything I hate, it's one of those little facts.
Doesn't ever seem to matter how small it is, either, sir.
It could be this big.
Like he left the credit cards behind.
I mean, why does a street robber grab money from a wallet and leave the credit cards? They're won'th a pretty good piece of change on the black market.
You see what I mean, sir? Credit cards.
What else? Oh, there was an alligator bag.
A diamond ring.
I doubt very much if a robber in a hurry, on the edge of panic, is gonna take the time to pull the ring off of Claire's finger.
You mean, sir You mean, if she was dead, he couldn't get it off? Well, she is, I believe, isn't she? Well, yes, sir.
But he could have asked her for it first.
Before he shot her.
I remember Claire trying to get that ring off at a party once.
Some silly game people were playing.
She couldn't.
Not even with soap.
And you can check that out with her husband.
He was the one that asked her to take it off.
He was on the other team.
Boy, when you say you studied, you aren't kidding, are you, sir? Well, then, what about the alligator bag? An alligator bag that is six years old is apt to be worn-looking.
It doesn't look like it's won'th very much.
It probably isn't.
How do you happen to know all that much about her bag, sir? I gave it to her.
Well, that takes care of that, doesn't it? Right.
Well, I guess, then there's only the credit cards, sir.
If the killer is an idiot.
I beg your pardon, sir, I don't quite follow your meaning there.
Well, you don't kill a woman and then sell the credit cards with her name on it.
The police have been known to bribe fences before, you know.
Well, of course.
I'm sorry, sir.
I should've thought of that myself.
Jeez, I guess you're right, aren't you? Not a lot to go on, is there? Cup of coffee? Sir? Except the panic.
The panic? Yes, sir.
I might have something in this area.
See what you think.
Mrs.
Daley was shot at a distance of 30 feet and she was shot in the back.
Are you with me so far? Yes, I think I can grasp that.
Now, Tony He's the owner of the deli.
He said that the killer was "cool as a cucumber.
" That's a direct quote, sir.
So that means that when Mrs.
Daley tried to run, that's when he lost his cool.
See, that's when he panicked and he shot her.
But he hit her right in the heart, sir, and at the distance of 30 feet while she was running.
Now, that's hard to do in a panic.
What do you think? I think that I had better try and help you because you're going to ask me to, aren't you? You did it again, sir.
You read my mind.
Would you? Oh, that would be an honor.
Detective Lucerne helping me.
Wait till I tell my wife.
Somebody asking for me? Oh, Sid, it's all right.
This is Lieutenant Columbo from the police department.
This is Claire's husband, Sid Daley.
Sid, what can I tell you? You know how I How I felt about Claire, huh? We're ready, Mr.
Fowler! Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Whoops! We're hooked.
I'm terribly sorry to have this happen at such a tense moment.
Mr.
Fowler, we're ready! I said, I'll be there.
I'd better watch this, Lieutenant.
Do you mind? What's the story, huh? We're running a little late, Sidney.
Let's move it, huh? Lieutenant, what about this robber? Do you have any leads? Well, sir The truth is, it seems to be a little bit more complicated than a robbery, sir.
Oh? What the Lieutenant is saying is that he's come to the conclusion that Claire may have been murdered and the robbery may be a cover-up.
Murdered? That's insane.
Don't you think you should have come to me first with this, Lieutenant? Well, I tried to, sir.
I've been looking for you ever since last night.
I was with my lawyer last night.
We meet for chess once or twice a month, and last night turned out to be a marathon session.
We didn't quit until five in the morning, so I stayed over.
Thank you, sir.
This friend, sir, the lawyer, where can I reach him? Is this a grilling session? What am I? Some kind of suspect or something? Nothing personal, sir.
I have to ask these routine questions.
Well, his name is Leo Hart.
But I think you're gonna have trouble contacting him.
He took the plane for Rome at noon.
We're ready to roll.
Let's do it then, huh? Mark! Why don't you entertain the Lieutenant while we shoot this.
I'm sure he's seen this, anyway.
Seen it? He was in it.
Yeah, you know, Ward is right.
Time is my business, you know, and I always know it.
Oh, boy, am I hung-over today.
I'll be glad when this day's over.
Hey, what time you got, Lieutenant? Are you kidding? Jeez, I paid a thousand smackers for this watch.
I lost five minutes overnight.
Do you mind, sir? I have never seen a thousand dollar watch before.
Boy, that must be solid gold.
That's platinum.
Oh, no wonder it looks so different.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your watch, sir.
You have Yeah, but it should be five minutes past eleven.
I always set my watch, you know, five minutes fast.
You know, you're always racing against time 24 hours a day.
Excuse me, sir, are those men members of your crew? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They're with us all the time.
Good.
I think I'll have a word with them.
Thank you very much for everything.
Excuse me, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.
I wonder if I can have a word with you? We're gonna have the hotel in the shot, right? Everything.
On the master, right? In the master, right.
Okay.
This is where He comes up right here.
Can I ask you this? What now? This is just the way we discussed it.
This we do on stage This is on stage three, right? Right.
Stage three.
How long do we stay there? Two days at the most.
Then we go to four.
Well, what I wanna know Would you make a note of this, Cathy? What I wanna know is do we really need this set? Excuse me, sir.
I don't wanna interrupt you.
Is that the shark from Jaws? Yeah, I believe it is, Lieutenant.
That's the one that they used in the picture? I think so.
Well, that looks different to me.
I can't help that.
If we do scene 31 on stage four Could they have two? I You know, because in the picture Lieutenant at the end, it got all mangled.
Lieutenant, I know you didn't come here to talk about sharks.
I'm pressed for time.
What do you want? Well, I just wanted to ask a couple questions We got wardrobe in five minutes.
I can give you two minutes.
Fine.
Thank you very much.
I understand, sir, that you and your wife were living apart.
That's true, Lieutenant.
We haven't been close for some time now.
Would you know, sir, whether or not she was seeing somebody? I don't mean to get personal, but somebody whom she might be emotionally involved with? Claire was devoted to her work, Lieutenant.
She wasn't any more interested in lovers than she was in her husband.
It made for a pretty miserable marriage.
Well, still, you must've gotten along pretty good.
I mean, you were partners in business.
Partners? That was on paper, Lieutenant.
Claire fought me on everything.
She had to have things done her way.
If I said white, she'd say black.
All you have to do is take a look at this new Ward Fowler contract.
Paying an actor that kind of money is insanity.
Now, wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Are you saying that you didn't wanna pay him that money? I think they should have turned him down.
I think he would have folded.
But Claire argued me right under the table.
I was an idiot for giving in.
Now, if this show takes a dip they'll drop it.
I still don't understand.
You and your wife were partners.
Now, isn't it to her best interest not to give him all that money? In anything involving Ward, she always took his side.
Forgive me for asking this, sir.
I seem to remember stories that at one time they were pretty close.
Are you suggesting that their relationship was still pretty close? Yeah.
But not the way you mean it, Lieutenant.
Oh, sure, they'd had a big romance, but by the time I came into the picture, it was dead.
But that didn't mean that Claire was finished watching over Ward's career.
She stopped being a lover and she became a mother.
Sent him off to have his teeth capped.
Made him drop ten pounds.
Showed him how to comb his hair.
It sounds like she was proud of him.
It was ego.
Claire's ego.
You learn.
Lieutenant Columbo.
No problem.
No problem.
Lieutenant Lucerne.
I just wanted to fill you in, sir.
Right.
What have we got? Nothing.
We still think it was premeditated, don't we? Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose? Well, I suppose if that's your instinct, then it must be right.
My instinct about Claire, and I don't have any clues to go on, is that she was what they call, I believe the term is victim-prone.
Some people are, you know? And Claire, well, Claire was given to taunting people.
She was a born victim.
She was the kind who asks for it.
In her marriage, in her life Quite possibly in her death.
That's fascinating, sir.
You've got quite a way of putting things.
Especially about Mrs.
Daley.
Let me ask you, sir.
Could you maybe tell me more about her? Not much.
But you're right.
About what, sir? What you're thinking.
I was lying before.
I didn't like Claire very much.
I haven't for years.
Which doesn't mean to say I wasn't shocked by the news of her death, I was.
And I was still a little bit shook up when you first walked in, so I said whatever sounded right to a detective.
Some other detective.
Not you.
Please sit down.
- Properties, a glass for the Lieutenant, please.
- Yes, sir.
You had me absolutely fooled, sir.
Really? Scout's honor.
Even after you asked a few questions around the set? Thank you.
Our fights, Claire's and mine, werert always discreet.
And some of them were overheard, I believe.
You must have been told by the crew.
You know how people talk.
Yes, I do.
I know exactly how they talk.
But gossip doesn't mean anything, sir, does it? One way or another.
I mean, we still don't have anything to go on except the fact that the killer hit the bull's-eye from 30 feet.
If he hit the bull's-eye, Lieutenant.
What do you mean, sir? I mean that there's as good a chance of a man hitting the shoulder as there is of his hitting the heart.
Which leads us to another theory.
We're going to assume that our man is a robber, with no prior intent to kill anyone.
And we're also going to take into account the fact that a bullet aimed high at the back has a better than 28% chance of killing the victim by hitting a vital organ in a crime that is not premeditated by a robber who is not an expert marksman.
Now, what do you think the odds rise to if the man is an expert marksman.
Do you think an ex-mercenary, a kid hung-up on guns, excuse me, a former policeman, shoots still targets? No.
Part of being an expert marksman is hitting a moving target.
And a man who is accustomed to firearms enough to be an expert marksman is often in a situation of panic.
That's brilliant, sir.
That's very impressive.
No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, sir.
I forgot.
Forgot what? The dress.
The what? I think I can show you what I mean, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you draw a circle back there right around the area of the heart? Don't press too hard, sir.
I don't wanna ruin the coat.
Now what? Now I drop my hands.
Do you see what happened to that circle, sir? When I dropped my hands, the circle dropped, too.
Now, when I first saw Mrs.
Daley's body, I noticed that she was wearing one of those tight-fitting dresses.
And that the bullet hole in the dress was about an inch below the actual wound in her body, which meant that she had to be holding her hands up when she was shot.
And she couldn't be running away, could she? I mean, with her hands standing like this.
No one runs for their lives with their hands straight up.
So, either she was walking with her hands straight up or she was standing still with her hands straight up when the gunman shot her in the back.
Very well done.
But I wish you had said something before about this.
It would've saved us a lot of time, wouldn't it? Well, we're back to our deliberate murderer, aren't we? And this time there's no doubt about it.
Really, Lieutenant, really well done.
Ward, the car's ready to leave for the back lot.
This is what the police artist came up with.
Not much help, is it? No help at all, sir.
I shouldn't have wasted your time.
Well, I'll just let myself out.
Thank you very much.
Where is the Oh! There's the door.
Lieutenant, where do you think he got the costume? Well, funny you should mention that, sir.
I've been asking myself that same question all day.
There's a couple of odd things about it.
Neither the parka nor the ski mask have any markings on them.
No way to trace them and they were cut to ribbons, anyway.
You certainly lock yourself in here, sir.
And very smart to do it, too.
Oh, here we go.
No, that doesn't work either.
You think he mutilated the disguise because he was afraid someone might recognize it? Exactly, sir.
Boy, do you and I think the same way.
It's amazing.
Isn't it? I wonder, sir.
Is there a trick to unlocking this door, sir? I can't seem to manage it.
Everybody has trouble with this.
Thank you very much, sir.
Oh, did I mention the mask? That it was slashed? No.
That it had makeup on it.
The lab turned it up, sir.
Where would he find a mask that had makeup on it? That's a very good question.
I believe you know the answer.
I believe I do, sir.
We could be looking for a woman.
Precisely.
We've assumed all along it was a man, but it's possible we were wrong.
Particularly in the light of this.
Oh, I'm relieved to hear you say that, sir.
I thought you were going to say it was impossible because of Tony.
Tony He's the owner of the delicatessen.
Saying that the voice was a mars.
But, the below average height and the fact that the voice was disguised and it was muffled by the mask All indicate at least the possibility of a doubt as to the gender.
The lab is going to be running some more tests on that makeup, so I'll report tomorrow.
You should be on salary, sir, with these hours.
I feel I am.
Good working with you.
Thank you.
I guess I just got carried away, sir.
I hope you don't mind.
No, no.
It's all right.
These shoes, sir, they're really terrific.
Now I know why, Lieutenant Lucerne, he always look so tall.
Yes, well, I would appreciate a certain amount of discretion in that matter, Lieutenant.
Public image, you know.
Oh, right, sir.
Oh, well, you don't have to worry about a thing, sir.
As far as I'm concerned, you're four inches taller than I am.
And that's the end of it.
Thank you, Lieutenant Columbo.
My pleasure, Lieutenant Lucerne.
Sir, I got the second lab report on the mask, so I hurried right over.
Yes? It turns out that it probably isn't a woman, sir.
You see, it was actor's makeup.
Not the kind of makeup that women use in the street.
Pancake.
Women very often use a brand of makeup that's made up for actors like pancake.
I, for example, use precisely that product myself.
Yes, sir.
I know.
Yes.
I'm sure you do by now.
No, but the point here is something else, sir.
You see, the lab found traces of four different shades of makeup on that mask.
And women, you know, they don't usually change shades that much.
So, in the light of that, sir, I got to thinking.
Where did it lead you to this time? A guess, sir.
A professional makeup man? Right, sir.
And then to my makeup table.
Oh, no, sir.
No, sir.
No.
I only came here to see you.
Honest.
I was just fooling around with the shoes just to pass the time for something to do until you came in.
No.
I didn't look at another thing while I was here.
That means you didn't have to.
You already know something.
Where did you look? Guess, sir.
I'll give you three guesses.
The studio wardrobe department.
You got it in one, sir.
That's absolutely amazing.
You're right.
The parka and the ski mask.
That's where they both came from.
And the gun? Come on, sir.
You're putting me on.
You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.
Of course.
How stupid of me.
No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department.
How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne make a mistake like that? Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Well, what's the difference, sir? The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder.
And a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes.
He's apt to get rattled.
Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder? Lieutenant Lucerne did.
He did? Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir? He had to face the same fact you did.
What fact is that, sir? There are only four people who could have murdered Claire.
You mean the four people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night.
Exactly! And only one of those is instantly associated with makeup, wardrobe and props.
Well, now, let's see.
Mrs.
Daley took the call from her secretary in your dressing room when she said that she was going to Oh, what's his name, sir? Tony's.
You know Tony, sir.
He's the one who If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
Sorry, sir.
Have I said that before? So the number of people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night, her secretary, Mr.
Sid Daley, Mark I'm curious as to how Mark knew.
Well, sir, Mark offered to bring her a cheeseburger and she told her secretary to tell him that she not only didn't want a gofer, she didn't want a cheeseburger, either.
And that she was going to get a sandwich over at Tony's.
And she said to tell her husband the same thing.
I see.
Well, no you don't, sir.
I mean, you must have seen before.
Because you were in the room when she took the call, werert you? She made it from this dressing room.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
I'm not in the habit of listening to other people's telephone calls.
I didn't know that Claire was going to Tony's.
You didn't, sir? Absolutely not, Lieutenant.
Then how did you know, sir, that there were only four people who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night and how did you know that you were one of them? The same way you did.
I asked Claire's secretary and she informed me that the call was made from my room.
You did, sir? Oh, yes, I did, Lieutenant.
Oh, that's very good, sir.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
I believe you meant that.
Oh, I did, sir.
I'd say we make rather a good team, don't you? Yeah.
Sort of like Sherlock Holmes and Watson, sir.
No, no, no, no, no.
More like Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes.
Well, what I mean, sir, is the way I see it, I'm working with the highest paid detective in the world.
It's not as high as it sounds.
Not when you have to pay out as much as I do.
Well, I gotta get to work on Sid Daley.
Boy, it's hard to find someone in Rome, sir.
Yes, I imagine.
But his story has to be checked out just like anybody else's.
Oh, by the way, sir, did I mention that we found the gun in the prop department? No.
What you said was that was where you were gonna look for one.
Oh, that's right, sir.
Right.
And you didn't wanna jump to conclusions.
No good detective should.
Was there anything on the gun? Anything like what, sir? Fingerprints, what else? Oh, right.
No, I don't think so, sir.
The lab is still running tests.
By the way, sir, why do you think he put the gun back and threw away everything else? Perhaps because he didn't have time to get rid of the gun safely.
Guns are very easy to trace.
And the prop room may have seemed the safest place to him.
I think you hit it again, sir.
Ready when you are, Mr.
Fowler.
Be right there.
Oh, sir, if you didn't think I was gonna be in the way, I would love to No.
Not at all.
Be my guest.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
I appreciate that.
Excuse me, sir.
I don't wanna appear grabby, but do you think I could have one of these, sir? Certainly.
As many as you want.
That's the usual publicity nonsense.
Ward Fowler this, Ward Fowler that.
Nothing.
Nothing to you sir, but to my wife Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink.
But blend it on.
All right.
No.
I mean blend it, especially on this side.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Like that? I can't tell.
Oh, am I in the way, sir? Oh, forgive me.
I didn't mean to intrude, That's all right, Lieutenant.
That's remarkable.
Yes, sir.
Remarkable how you do that, sir.
My wife would like to have you around.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
You know, this bio, sir, it doesn't say anything about when you were first discovered, and what you were doing when you were discovered, who discovered you.
I'm going to have a little chat with the publicity department about that.
Come to think of it, sir, it was Mrs.
Daley who discovered you, wasn't it? Now, Lieutenant, I told you all about that with great emotion and in great detail the first time we met.
Well, that's what I mean, sir, it should be in here.
Excuse me, Kenny.
Thank you.
Where were you and when Lieutenant, why don't you just ask me what it is you wanna know? Where did Mrs.
Daley discover you, sir? That's something even my wife doesn't know.
It doesn't say anything here in the bio.
It doesn't even say whether Ward Fowler's your real name or not.
And that's something any Lieutenant Lucerne fan would wanna know.
Why don't we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple for one moment.
I'm gonna confide something in you.
Anything you tell me, sir, it's between us.
Like the shoes.
Lieutenant, my real name, so help me, Charles Kipling.
And you're the only one who knows that.
Now, Charles Kipling was in a little bit of trouble when Claire first found him.
Actually, I was doing theater in Toronto.
Claire and I hit it off big, she thought I had a great future, she persuaded me to leave Canada.
And that was the beginning.
The trouble straightened itself out, of course.
But I've always been a little sensitive about it.
You understand? Oh, I certainly do, sir.
Lou, Lou, I'm talking, but you're not listening.
There's no money in the budget.
Lou, will you believe me? There's no money.
Look, that's the way it is, take it or leave it.
Good.
Good.
You got yourself a deal.
What is it this time, Lieutenant? I'm a very busy man.
There was no one out there, sir.
It's all right.
So I just came in.
Congratulations.
Congratulations for what? I heard you came into a lot of money.
I see.
You heard about my little windfall? Yes, sir, I have.
Lieutenant, if you think I knew anything about this, you're wrong.
My lawyer called me and told me my wife's safe deposit box was practically layered with receipts for these silver certificates.
I'll be damned if I can figure out how she did it.
I think the government's gonna have a little trouble, too, because she never declared them as income.
She kept the certificates in a numbered account in a Canadian bank.
And it all goes to you, right, sir? And it all goes to me.
After taxes.
Including a few lovely IOUs from Ward Fowler.
Is that so, sir? That's surprising, isn't it? Considering all the money he makes.
I never question good fortune, Lieutenant.
All I know is that getting along with Ward Fowler is gonna be a lot easier from now on.
What about a drink? That's amazing how she kept it from you.
Well she did.
I just found out about it.
Yes, sir, I know.
Your accountant told me.
Oh.
Well, good.
Then that's it, huh? Yes, sir, that's it.
Oh, there's one more thing, sir.
Mr.
Hart is in Rome.
He's gonna be back in his hotel room in a little while.
Before I talk to him, were you really playing chess the other night? Lieutenant, let's get it straight right now.
I was not with Leo Hart the other night.
But I wasn't busy killing my wife, either.
Yes, Mr.
Daley? Molly, would you come in for a minute? I need your help.
Molly, would you please tell Lieutenant Columbo where I was on Thursday evening, the night my wife was killed? The truth.
Mr.
Daley was with me, Lieutenant.
We left the office together and we were together in my apartment until the next morning.
It's the truth.
Yes, madam.
I believe it is.
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.
I suppose you came here for a confession.
Well, you're not going to get it, sir.
Because you don't have the facts, sir.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna love it.
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
I don't know why you started laughing.
Here.
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.
I suppose you came here for a confession.
Well, you're not going to get it, sir.
I'm just silly, sir, but that machine, that is really fantastic.
How much, roughly, would a thing like that cost? Oh, about $3,000.
Not counting the camera, of course.
Three thousand? Dollars? Why, I can get a new car for that.
Not that I need one.
Lieutenant, you have something to say to me, don't you? Yes, sir.
I'm really sorry to bother you like this, sir.
But just a couple of questions before my report on Sid Daley.
It doesn't look like he could have done it, sir.
He was with a girl and she confirmed it.
I see.
I tell you what.
Let's you and I discuss what I have to tell you first.
And then we can both interrogate Ward Fowler.
You see, as Lieutenant Lucerne, I have a rather unpleasant idea taking shape in my mind.
Brandy? Thank you, sir.
What might that be, sir? Well, that might be And I'm speaking strictly as Lucerne, of course.
Of course.
It just might be, unlikely as it may seem, it just might conceivably be Ward Fowler is the man we're after.
You mean the murderer? Exactly.
No.
Yes.
I know this comes as a shock to you.
But let's think about it.
Let's examine the possibilities.
Well, if you say so, sir, but I don't see where there could be possibly a motive.
Why would Ward Fowler wanna kill Claire Daley? It's Claire Daley who made him famous.
That's what I was wondering and then I got to thinking about the IOUs.
Oh, did you, sir? Yes.
Oddly enough I did.
I'm speaking as Lucerne, of course.
Yes, of course.
Half a million dollars in IOUs.
Wow! I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money that Ward Fowler makes, he could owe Claire Daley that much.
And then it hit me.
What hit you, sir? Coffee? Thank you.
Did you happen to see a show last August that had to do with a man who was being blackmailed by a woman? Oh, yes, sir, I did see that show.
Yes.
He shot her.
Exactly.
Why would Claire Daley blackmail Ward Fowler? And then how? That's where I'm gonna need your help, Lieutenant.
Have you, by any chance, checked with the Toronto police by now? Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
I thought maybe you had.
And they told you They told me that Charles Kipling was an alias.
And that's when you decided to have Ward Fowler's fingerprints checked with the FBI? That is absolutely right, sir.
You're amazing.
Yes, it turns out that Ward Fowler's real name is not Charles Kipling.
It's John Snelling and you're a He's not a Canadian.
He's an American.
And he went to Canada after he deserted during the Korean War.
There you are.
There's your motive.
How would it look if America's favorite detective were known to be a Korean War deserter? Or hadrt that occurred to you? Oh, yes, sir, it did occur to me, but there's something wrong with your thinking.
If you'll forgive a criticism, sir.
I look at it this way.
If Ward Fowler's career was ruined, she wouldn't be able to blackmail him anymore, would she? He wouldn't have anymore money.
And on top of that, the show would fold.
And it would be her show.
Do you understand my point, sir? I mean, does an intelligent woman go and destroy her only means of income? I don't know.
Does she? It's what that character did in the show last August.
That's the implicit threat of every blackmailer, "Pay me or I'll ruin you.
" Can I ask you a question, sir? Why don't we just ask Ward Fowler if he was being blackmailed or not? I asked him.
And? He claims not.
He claims he has what he calls a weakness.
And this weakness has cost him a great deal and Claire Daley was kind enough to lend him enough money to cover his rather extensive losses.
And do you believe him, sir? Taking your argument for him into account, I think so.
I'm not sure.
Do you? Well, it's hard to say, isn't it? I mean, taking your argument against him into account.
I mean, you know, he had an awful lot to conceal.
Did you know that? For example, the Army unit that he deserted from was the artillery.
He was an expert marksman.
I checked on that, too.
He never told me that.
You see? You never know, do you? On the other hand, Ward Fowler has an alibi.
He was with Mark during the whole time during the murder.
And that alibi is ain'tight.
Is it as ain'tight as Sid Daley's? Oh, I think it's more, sir.
I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer.
What do we conclude from this interrogation? Ward Fowler denies having a motive, he won't admit to having means, and he can prove that he didn't have opportunity.
So that leaves us with Sid Daley.
That's a great third act line, isn't it? "That leaves us with Sid Daley.
" Well, I think this has been very helpful, sir.
Thank you very much.
I certainly appreciate it.
Oh.
One more thing, sir.
We got something else on the gun.
Did I mention that? No, you.
Didn't.
What, Lieutenant? A thread sir.
From the parka? No, sir.
We haven't traced the garment from which the thread came from yet, sir.
Lieutenant, if I were you, I'd get a search warrant for all four people involved.
Yes, sir.
That's just exactly what I've done, sir.
In fact Could you open this, sir? I still don't have the knack.
I would like for us to know, Lieutenant, the meaning of this.
Sid, please.
He asked me where you were, Lieutenant.
I hope it's okay that I told him.
May I ask what this was all about? Oh, there's the sweater.
Does it match up with the thread? I think so.
We gotta take it down to the lab, though, Lieutenant.
It's the only piece of clothing that even came close.
I don't know what you're talking about, Lieutenant, but I do know that suspicion is being deliberately cast on me and I can guess by whom.
Well, sir, I won't deny that Lieutenant Lucerne Will you stop calling him Lieutenant Lucerne? He's a television detective.
You can't conduct an investigation based on his suspicions.
Well, sir.
I did have a reason beyond his suspicions.
You see, the gun that killed your wife, sir, had a little piece of thread that got caught on the trigger.
I'm afraid, sir, that that thread came from this sweater.
A thread from my sweater? Yes, sir.
Mohair.
And the lab said navy blue mohair.
And I remembered that was the color of the sweater that you were wearing the first day that I met you.
The morning after she was murdered.
But that's incredible.
Yes, sir, I agree with you.
But I've always had a good memory for colors.
Bravo, Lieutenant.
Even I didn't remember that.
Didn't you, sir? My goodness, that's funny.
You see, because one of the reasons that I remembered the sweater was because you got hooked on it that day.
Following our discussion, sir.
Supposing Lucerne was right before when he got the idea that Ward Fowler was our man.
Supposing Ward Fowler had planted that thread on the gun himself.
I don't quite follow you.
Well, sir, supposing you I mean, supposing Lieutenant Lucerne was right, and Claire Daley was blackmailing you like in the TV show.
Lieutenant, I thought we agreed that I had what you called an iron-clad alibi? Ain'tight, sir, that's what we actually say.
Yes, sir, but you know as well as I do that you could have rigged that alibi.
It was very brave of you, sir, to show me the videotape machine.
You certainly like to take a chance.
And I always wondered, of course, how two drinks could have given Mark such a hangover.
I figured it was phenobarbital.
And then he would be out.
And you'd be able to tape the game, and go over to Tony's, and kill Claire, and get home, and then wake up Mark.
And he would be disoriented and groggy and guilty about drinking.
And when you saw the ballgame on TV, and it looked just about the same as it did when he passed out, he'd be glad to assume he'd only been out for a minute or two instead of the hour and a half that had actually passed.
And you changed his watch, didn't you? And then you changed it back to the right time after he was asleep.
That was a mistake, sir.
You shouldn't have set it to the correct time because Mark always keeps his watch five minutes fast.
I wondered about that.
A thousand dollar watch just doesn't lose five minutes overnight.
Is that it? No, sir.
There's also the height of the criminal.
He's about my height.
And your height without the platform shoes.
And there's one other thing, sir.
You're a crack shot.
Endlessly fascinating, Lieutenant.
But as Lieutenant Lucerne would say, "Where there is no proof, there is no criminal.
" Fascinating, notwithstanding.
But I think, sir, I have the proof.
Here.
What proof? Lieutenant, there are no fingerprints on that gun.
You said so yourself this morning.
This has been a rather silly demonstration, Lieutenant.
Well, you're absolutely right again, sir.
The killer cleaned the gun of all incriminating prints.
But the thing is, he forgot something.
Forgot what? Well, sir, you know that this gun was only used as a prop.
So, of course, it was never filled with anything but blanks.
That is, until you stole it, sir.
And in order to kill Mrs.
Daley, you had to remove the blanks and insert real bullets.
There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir.
But there is a reason that the lab report took so long.
You remembered to clean the gun.
But you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.
Damn! I had to forget something.
That's always how the third act ends.
You see, I've had no rehearsal as a murderer.
I'm, after all, a detective.
Yes, sir, but you did kill Claire Daley, didn't you, sir? She was a blackmailer.
And I killed her.
And up to now, I'm glad I killed her.
And I believe that in this killing the murderer has the sympathetic part.
Does that satisfy you? Yes, sir.
That satisfies me.
Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.