Columbo (1971) s09e03 Episode Script

Tonight on "Columbo": - President Paul Mackey.
- Attorney General Oscar Finch.
And you and your buddy are dead ducks in Washington.
- You killed him.
- He was extorting me.
Lieutenant Columbo, with the police.
- All the signs, suicide.
- Mr Staplin was murdered.
We're looking for a cold-blooded killer.
I think you did it.
- I thought we had a nice relationship.
- Nothing's perfect.
I wouldn't perjure myself for Mr Oscar Finch.
Poppycock! just before Magic Mountain.
Paramedics are at the scene.
Weather-wise, hardly a cloud in the sky.
Temperature, 76.
But don't let that fool you our weatherman warns the storm moving in will hit this evening.
Umbrella time! Politics - the hot topic is the guessing game as to who Governor Montgomery will pick as his running mate.
No word from the governor, who continues the careful weighing of options.
From campaign HQ at the Biltmore Hotel, a spokesman said we should not expect an announcement before primary night.
Polls conducted by the "LA Times" and among our listeners show the frontrunner for the VP spot to be our popular congressman Paul Mackey - How do I look? - Terrific.
Neil Laxton, please.
Oscar Finch calling.
- San Francisco's our Achilles heel, Oscar.
- That's why we buy Baby new shoes.
Hello, Neil.
This is Oscar.
How are you? Glad to hear it.
I'm just fine, thanks.
Mackey and I are on our way to the Biltmore.
Things are looking good for the primary - apart from San Francisco, which is slow.
We need some help there, fast.
Mm-hm.
How about 750,000? Ha! A lot of money to whom, Neil?! Tell our mutual friend he won't be forgotten when the governor wins.
Montgomery likes oil wells on the horizon.
- You ready? - Do I look ready? Winners are always ready.
When this is a done deal, I'll buy you a frozen yoghurt.
- I'm nervous as hell.
- Good.
Gives you an edge.
Besides, he's not a dentist - just the next president of the United States.
Morning, Congressmen.
- Paul! Good to see you.
- Tim, how are you? - Great, thank you.
- Have you met Oscar Finch? - It's about time, sir.
It's a pleasure, truly.
- Thank you.
Do you mind waiting a few minutes? The governor is anxious to meet you.
- I'd like that.
- Terrific.
- All right if I use a phone? - Be our guest.
Congressman, this way, please.
- Tim.
- Congressman Mackey.
- Thanks for coming.
- My pleasure, Governor.
- Have some coffee? - No, thanks.
- Sit down, relax, both of you.
- Thank you.
- Looking good.
- Never felt better.
- Family? - Just great.
Cynthia's like my right arm.
- She thrives on campaigning.
- My wife's the same.
We got lucky, huh? Some speech you delivered last week.
Wish I'd been there to see 'em squirm.
Well, sir, I had an opportunity to address some of the issues.
Thousands of homeless people in everybody's hometown.
We're selling off the US - a piece here, a piece there.
What's next? General Electric? Ford Motor Company? If we don't take positive action, the United States of America will be up for grabs.
It's time the American people know what's going on.
- Amen to that! - I heard you had them cheering.
Well, Tim, nobody slept through it, that's for sure.
Yes, sir, a mighty fine speech.
Now, tell the truth, Paul.
Did you write it yourself? I'm just pulling your leg! I tend to do that every so often.
Right, Tim? - Yes, sir.
- Of course you wrote it yourself.
You write all your speeches yourself.
If I thought otherwise, I wouldn't talk to you - I wouldn't know who I was talking to.
Now, how about we cut to the chase, gentlemen? We've all heard the rumours in which your name is connected with mine we've read the Washington Post, the New York Times.
Now I want to make it formal.
Congressman Mackey, sir, I'd like you to give some serious thought to joining me in a most noble effort: That is, as my running mate in an all-out, no-holds-barred, winner-take-all race for the presidency of the United States.
"Montgomery and Mackey" - how does that sound to you, Congressman? Governor sounds to me like a winning ticket.
Mr Finch? The governor will see you now.
Later.
Let me be the first to congratulate you.
Your old buddy Paul and I are about to embark on an exciting journey.
You had a lot to do with making it possible.
- I'm in your debt, Mr Finch.
- My pleasure, sir.
- A chance to do what needs to be done.
- You're halfway there already.
- I want you with me, Oscar.
- Every step.
- President Paul Mackey.
- Attorney General Oscar Finch.
- I like the sound of that.
- I like the echoes.
- Cynthia did a nice job, hm? - Yeah, Paul found himself a great hostess.
Essential to a successful career.
- Only reason I married you! - Oh, don't tell me! Darling, will you get it? Got it.
Hello? Frank.
Frank, I told you not to bother me again.
There's nothing I can do for you.
I advised you who to get.
They do the best with what they got.
Never mind about them not being in my league! I'm all through being your problem-solver.
That's over, that's history.
Frank? Frank, I am not going to talk any more about this on the phone.
Fine.
Where are you? Who's with you? All right.
Give me half an hour, 45 minutes.
Yeah.
See you.
Honey? - I gotta go out.
- But it's nearly midnight! A contributor.
Been trying to nail this guy for months.
He's had a couple of drinks - tonight could be the night his chequebook's itching.
- When are we ever gonna get a break? - As soon as Montgomery wins California.
- Shopping? - A little something for the inaugural.
Get your beauty sleep.
Good luck, darling.
- How're you doing, Oscar? - Let's just get it over with, Frank.
- You walked? - You bet I did.
From my office.
I could use the exercise.
Besides, the last thing I want is for someone to see my car in your driveway.
Our privacy's as good as gold, Oscar.
As I said, Susan's in Hawaii, the housekeeper has the week off no one will ever have to know you dirtied your shoes on Frank Staplin's carpets.
They're only the best.
Step right in.
How about you get out of that coat? You'll bake in here.
Toss it anywhere.
- Oh, er, can I get you a drink? - No, thanks, I'm fine.
I can't - doctor's orders.
I'm down to this.
I made myself a little snack.
Here, have a nibble.
What gives, Frank? I am in real trouble, Oscar.
So what else is new! Only this time it's more serious than anything I've ever had to handle.
Are you worried about five years in jail, Frank? With good behaviour, call it 30 months.
No sweat, Frank.
No, it's not me so much as Susan.
I don't care for her to have to face the shame of it.
- I need a favour, Oscar.
- Forget it.
One document.
The DA's case goes out of the window if he doesn't get one lousy document.
- Then don't let him have it.
- It'll be on his desk in days.
Then I'll see you in five years, Frank.
I'd like to do this civilised.
There's nothing to do.
One document in the nearest shredder, Oscar.
You got friends in the right places.
They owe you favours.
That's your game.
- Forget it.
- We've got a history.
- We've been down this road before.
- 21 years before, Frank.
Times change.
I'll see that you have any amount, cash that can't be traced - Swiss cash.
I'm asking you nicely, Oscar.
You don't get it, Frank.
I have a family, I have a great big career, I have a future like you wouldn't believe.
There's no way I'm gonna risk any of that.
How's your buddy, the congressman? The word is, he's going to be Montgomery's boy.
You go way back.
Wasn't he working in the DA's office when you did me that favour a long time ago? Your boy in the White House maybe, huh? A nice cabinet post for Oscar Finch perhaps? - Is that the "big future"? - That's not a nice way to talk, Frank.
If I go down for five years, six months, one day, Oscar I'm not gonna be happy with the man that let it happen.
Happy or sad, Frank, you can't prove a damn thing.
Who needs proof any more! You know politics these days.
I only have to mention your name and a certain little incident that happened back in 1969 and you and your buddy are dead ducks in Washington.
Think it over, Oscar.
Standing by for more black-and-whites.
- Are you OK, Vicky? - Doing fine, Sarge.
Jack, you're wanted outside.
- That the shell? - Yeah.
- Hey, Sarge? - Yeah? - Yes, sir? - You know anything about these things? - What things? - This.
I think they call it a fax machine.
- A what? - Fax machine.
Know about 'em? - Never even been near one.
- No, me neither.
What have you got? Deceased's wife, Mrs Susan Staplin, she was in Hawaii on vacation.
Right.
Now, I think I heard somebody say she's on her way back? Yes, sir.
- Called husband approximately - Could I have it for a minute? Come on, guys, let's give it over to the lieutenant.
Come on, come on.
Let's keep 'em quiet out there, huh, George? Thank you.
OK.
Called husband approximately She called again later.
No answer.
Got - Lieutenant? - Keep going.
I'm listening.
Got what? Got worried.
Called security company.
They sent guy over - Officer Rodriguez.
Saw lights in house.
No response.
Made entry.
Found victim.
911 got called at 4:21am.
Ohhh! - It's Reggiano.
- What's the matter? That cheese, Sergeant, that's Italian.
That, Sergeant, is the greatest.
My father loved this Reggiano.
- Oh, we gotta have a taste of that.
- This stuff has got to be checked out.
No, no, no, we're not going to touch anything that's been used.
No Wait till you get a load of this.
And this is expensive, too.
A piece like this here? That's $10.
Get a taste of that.
- No, thank you.
- You gotta try it.
You just gotta taste it.
Oh! - How about that? - It's different.
It happens to be especially good.
Make sure the boys put that aside when they're done with it.
That's gonna travel.
OK, now, the 911 came in at 4:21am? Yes, sir.
Victim expired of head wound - .
32 automatic.
Weapon at scene.
No signs, forced entry.
No signs, robbery.
- All the signs, suicide.
- Looks like.
What else, Lieutenant? Read this paper clipping? The guy was about to get nailed.
Anybody here know how to work that machine? - You mean that thing back there? - The fax.
I guess the deceased's secretary would.
She's out here someplace.
- Christy.
Rebecca Christy.
- Was she here last night? No, sir.
Mrs Staplin gave her address to the security people.
She was brought over from Westwood to ID the body.
She's pretty upset.
Not a nice way to begin the day, having to identify a body.
There's only one thing that bothers me.
- What's that? - The gun.
See what you think.
You notice anything? - What? - Man shoots himself in the head.
The body slumps, arm falls, the gun drops.
Now he bleeds on the floor.
Why do you suppose that all the blood is under the gun and there is no blood on top of the gun? - It's under all right.
- Could I borrow your handkerchief? Well, what do you know about that! - What? - See any blood on that side of the gun? - Nothing.
- That's what's bothering me.
If the gun fell in the blood, as it seems, why didn't any of it stick to the underside of the gun? - Doesn't make sense.
- Unless the blood had already dried.
Wait a minute.
How could a guy kill himself, then all that time later after, when it dries - he drops the gun? Good point, Sarge.
Like you said, the blood couldn't dry right away, could it? So what I'm trying to figure out is why did it take so long before the gun fell? Have the guys find out the drying time for that amount of blood in a room like this and on a floor like this.
Have Forensics back here, check it out some more.
Good as done, sir.
George! - George? - Yo.
Guys? You wanna get back in here? - What's the secretary's name? - Rebecca Christy.
I gotta start writing these things down.
- Have 'em wrap up that cheese careful.
- Real careful.
- All through with the stiff, Lieutenant? - Take it away.
Miss? Uh, ma'am, I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department.
- How do you do? - I know this is a bad time.
I'm really sorry to have to bother you.
It's all right.
- It's too bad about Mr Staplin.
- Yeah, it's He was so kind.
I wonder you could help me out.
None of our boys, they they don't seem t o know anything about that machine in your office - the fax.
- Do you want me to send a letter? - Oh, no, no, no.
No, nothing like that, no.
I just would like it if you could show me how it works.
I'd appreciate that.
Then I'll see to it that you're driven home.
All these newfangled gadgets they come out with, they make me nervous.
Now, my wife, last year she got a home computer.
She loves it.
Me, I never go near it.
Sit down here, ma'am.
I think we were the last people on the block to get an electric garage-opener.
Now you can send a letter on this machine? Yes.
Any number of pages.
What makes it go? You dial in a number, just like a telephone, press start - that's all.
- And you can send it anywhere? - Anywhere that has a fax machine.
- Anywhere in the world.
- Anywhere in the world?! - And how long does it take? - Seconds.
You mean just by dialling, like, a phone number, that letter will come out across the street or on the other side of the world in seconds? It's not the same letter, it's an exact copy of that letter - a facsimile.
A facsimile! A fax! Now I'm getting the hang of this thing.
OK.
Let me ask you this.
There is a page of a letter hanging out of the bottom of this machine.
- What's that? - It's the last page that was sent through.
- Do you want this left here? - Please.
For now, ma'am.
- Did you send that letter, Miss Christy? - No.
- Do you recognise that handwriting? - It's Mr Staplin's.
- Did he know how to use this machine? - He used it frequently.
Is there any way that you could determine what time this letter was sent? - Yes, but I'll have to remove the page.
- Let me do that, ma'am.
"Susan"? - Would that be Mrs Staplin? - Yes.
Aha.
The last transmission was logged at 12:27 am a one-page document that took 14 seconds to send.
Excuse me, ma'am.
A one-page document? But I see a second page to the letter here that's also in Mr Staplin's handwriting.
Would that mean that there was a two-page letter - but only one page was sent? - I guess.
- It was faxed to this number.
- Isn't that the area code for Hawaii? It's the fax number of the hotel where Mrs Staplin was staying.
Isn't that remarkable! A letter sent 2500 miles across the Pacific in 14 seconds! I don't mean to burden you, but could you come into Mr Staplin's office for a minute? You know, when I saw the telephone on Mr Staplin's desk I almost got dizzy that's some device! There's gotta be 30 buttons there.
And that's not including the ones that you dial with! - Would you bag this, please? - Yes, sir.
- Yes, it's a sophisticated instrument.
- Yeah, it sure is.
It can memorise 100 phone numbers for speed-dialling.
There's conference-calling, date and time, an appointment-reminder programme, speakerphone, last-number redial.
That's the one I want to know about.
That's the one feature I heard about.
- Now, how would you work that feature? - You press the button that says "redial".
- That's it? - Uh-huh.
It's embarrassing.
Are you finished with the phone? - We're all done.
- Thank you.
- Just push this button here? - It will dial the last number called.
Good morning.
Finch residence.
May I help you? My housekeeper says you're from the police.
Uh Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.
I, uh I apologised to the lady who answered the door when she told me you were having breakfast.
I'd like to say to you personally how sorry I am What can I do for you, Lieutenant? I just have a few questions, ma'am.
We're investigating a matter concerning a man named Frank Staplin.
- Is that a name that's familiar to you? - No.
Should it be? Well, we have reason to believe that Mr Staplin called here last night.
That call came in, according to the phone company, at 11:46pm.
- Were you home at that time? - My husband and I had come from dinner.
There was a phone call, yes, but Oscar took it - I don't know who it was from.
It was a very short call.
Don't you think it would be best if you spoke with my husband? I think I do have to speak to him, ma'am, if it's not disturbing him too much.
He's not home.
Another early bird - he's long gone to a breakfast appointment.
Where's the best place that I could reach him, ma'am? I don't know - he's a busy man.
Perhaps you should make an appointment.
- Don't you dare! Was it you? - I beg your pardon, ma'am? Don't you dare light that cigar! Were you in here last night with one? No, ma'am, it wasn't me.
And you have my word of honour I'm not gonna light it.
As a matter of fact, I've never been in these offices before.
They're very nice.
Very nicely done.
I apologise, Lieutenant.
I'm a bit sensitive this morning.
- No need to apologise, ma'am.
- This putrid atmosphere! Left here by someone who smoked a foul-smelling cigar in Mr Finch's office without once taking into account that the air-conditioning in this building is turned off in the evenings.
- Yes, ma'am.
- How can I help you? If it's possible, I'd like a word with Mr Finch.
He should be here momentarily, Lieutenant.
Take a seat.
Thank you very much, ma'am.
You know, it's strange, when I first came in here, I began wondering what was the one thing here that reminded me of home.
Maybe it was the aroma.
Louise, who parked that decomposing rattletrap in my space?! - I'm sure I don't know.
- Have it towed out of here.
- Perhaps - We've got a busy morning.
Someone from the police will be around to see me.
Fit him in this afternoon.
Would that be a silver Peugeot convertible, sir? - Who said that? - I did.
- And who might you be? - I'm the police.
- That oxidised relic is yours? - It gets me from here to there, sir.
I'm sorry, I had no idea it was your spot.
Be with you in a moment, uh Lieutenant.
Come in, Louise.
Here are the notes from the Thompson breakfast.
Put him down next Monday - same time, same place.
- What time am I due at the Biltmore? - 20 minutes, sir.
Call the functions manager and have him collect the new dignitaries list.
I'll meet with him in the ballroom.
Here's the new client - Dr Menton.
Put him down for 10:15 at the house.
Call and confirm.
- Then court, right - two cases? - Kenson and Fleming.
They'll be a breeze.
After that, lunch with Congressman Mackey.
Afternoon - free for the governor's campaign manager.
Have Haines call me on the carphone, confirm the itinerary.
That all? - A few messages, nothing urgent.
- Good.
Thanks, Louise.
Now, Lieutenant, you're here to talk to me about the death of Frank Staplin.
- I can give you just five minutes.
- You astonish me, sir.
I don't see why.
I'm familiar with procedure.
At a quarter to 12 last night, I received a call from Mr Staplin.
I understand from the news that he died during the night, which regrettably means that one of the last calls he made in his life was to me.
When I heard the news, I realised although his death was being called a suicide, it was of a violent nature - that is, by gunshot and part of the procedure of investigation would certainly include interviews with the last persons the victim saw or spoke to.
The phone company will have supplied you with a list of his final calls, and my number will be among them someplace - in what order, I can't say.
If he called from his house, you would have a record of that, too.
I would expect the police to be around to see me.
My only surprise is how soon you got here.
I learned one very important lesson this morning, Mr Finch.
- Yeah? What's that? - Never bet on your opposition in court.
Hmm I never met Frank Staplin, but in some small way, I feel a certain responsibility for his death.
- Why is that, sir? - When he called he was a desperate man.
If I hadn't known him by reputation, I'd have known from his voice.
His voice, sir? How did it sound? Extremely disturbed.
- You've never met him? - No.
He called about nine months ago when he was seeking counsel, but I was busy at the time and I had to turn him down.
When he called last night, he said it was a last resort, that he was about to fire his attorneys - they were fools and incompetents and he needed new counsel, and this time he was willing to pay any price I asked.
- But you refused him again? - Yes, indeed I did.
Now, would you be kind enough to walk with me to my car? I detest being late.
An hour or two after the call, he shot himself.
I hate the thought that it might've been because I turned him down.
Strange, isn't it? Until last night, all I really knew about Frank Staplin was what I'd read in the newspapers, magazines, courtroom gossip.
Like everyone else, I'd formed an opinion - I thought he was guilty, perhaps of worse crimes than he was accused.
But now that he's dead, maybe because a stranger he turned to for help refused him, - I can't help feeling a certain pity for him.
- I can understand that, sir.
- What make of car did you say that was? - It's a Peugeot.
- Very unusual.
- French.
Really? Excuse me.
Once again, sir, sorry I took your parking spot.
Don't give it another thought.
And if you need further assistance, get in touch.
Yes, Lieutenant? You know, ma'am, there's none of that odour left.
That's a wonderful spray! And it has a very nice scent to it.
Could you give me the name of that for my wife? She might find that useful.
- You know what I mean.
- I'm so glad you like it.
Its nontoxic and it's not easy to come by.
- I've got an extra can.
I'll get it for you.
- No No arguments.
You shall have it.
- Here you are.
- Let me, ma'am.
It's not office property - I bring it in.
- My compliments to your wife.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- That's very kind of you.
- You're welcome.
Through the lobby, up the stairs, past the elevators, take a left, and it's the fourth big double door on the left? That's right.
Mr Finch? Just one more thing, sir - when you can spare a minute.
With you directly, Lieutenant.
I'm just finishing up here.
Everything seems to be going according to plan.
If you have any problems, you know where to contact me.
You run a nice hotel.
- Thank you.
- Well, no difficulty in finding me? - None at all, sir.
Thank you.
- Something turn up? I meant to ask you at the office, but what with one thing and another I was rather pressed for time.
I still am, as a matter of fact.
- It's about his voice, sir.
- What voice? The voice on the telephone - Mr Staplin's.
The late-night call he made to you.
Yes.
What about it? You said back at the office that you could tell he was desperate.
I think you said that he sounded "extremely disturbed".
L-I think that that's the way that you would have described it, had you heard him.
But I didn't, sir, and you did.
What were the words? What did he say - the exact words? - If you could remember.
- There's no problem there.
- I'll never forget them.
- Wonderful, sir.
What were they? - "What the hell am I gonna do?" - I beg your pardon? - That's what he said.
- Just that? He said it twice.
"What the hell am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do? Jesus!" - He said that, too? - Yeah.
Then he hung up.
"What the hell am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do?" That word.
Then he hung up.
Well, that's desperate all right.
Yes, sir, that Yeah, you can say that that is "extremely disturbed".
Oh dear, dear, dear, dear.
Hm.
Hm.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'd better be running along.
What? Oh, yes, sir.
Certainly, sir.
- Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
- Don't mention it.
Good luck.
Oh, Mr Finch? Sir?! Yes? You had a meeting in your office last night? - Is that a question? - Well, all the cigar smoke.
Maybe you didn't notice it when you arrived this morning.
Your secretary, Miss Louise, she sure did a number on it.
Quite a lady.
Oh, yes, yes.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
I did have a meeting at my office last night.
Was that before or after dinner, sir? You know, you're, uh you're rather subtle for a man who appears so overt.
- Is that good, sir? - Oh, it's not too bad at all.
It was after dinner.
Did my wife also get around to telling you what we had on the menu? No, sir.
That meeting was very late, then, wasn't it, sir? - After midnight probably.
- Yes.
- And after the call from Mr Staplin.
- That's correct.
But the meeting wasn't with Mr Staplin, was it, sir? - What o'clock do you have? - I beg your pardon? My timepiece says 10:09 and counting.
I'm sure that your timepiece is correct, sir.
That gives me six minutes to make my next appointment.
If I get a speeding ticket, will you take care of it? - Well, I - I detest being late.
I also detest having to repeat myself.
Come on, don't disappoint me.
A man of your intelligence will not have overlooked the fact that I told you twice that I have never met Mr Staplin.
- Does that cover it? - That covers it, sir.
Have a nice remainder of the day, Lieutenant.
This'll be real quick, sir, I promise.
Would you mind telling me who it was you had that meeting with last night? You know better.
I'm sure you've heard of client-attorney privilege, confidentiality.
Maybe you can help me with this other thing that I don't understand.
Your wife told me she heard the telephone ring just after you came home last night.
- Is that your memory, sir? - Yes.
After the call, you went to your office and met with someone.
Yes.
- Did you drive, sir? - Yes, of course.
And the individual you met with, did he drive himself? Yes.
What's your point? Was that a meeting that was previously planned, sir? - It was so late at night.
- There were actually two calls last night.
One was from Staplin, the other from a client who wished to meet urgently.
But I think that your wife said there was only one call, sir.
Oh, there's no mystery there, Lieutenant.
We have a call-waiting service.
The second call clicked through while Mr Staplin was on the line.
Which would account for why your wife didn't hear the second ring.
- Because there wasn't one.
- Well, that's terrific.
That's very good.
We cleared that one up very easily.
And I'm happy about it, because that was one of the few loose ends I was still having trouble with.
You know what, sir? We did it in 72 seconds.
How's that for problem-solving? - Any more questions? - I can't think of one at the moment.
Except, why aren't you on your way to court? That's a good one.
I loved when you asked him if he could see in the dark.
- 30 yards on a moonless night.
- And you called him "Mr Cat's Eyes"! Congratulations.
You did it again - nailed me to the wall.
Better luck next time.
Thank you.
The judge nearly died when you played the tape of the automatic firing 18 rounds.
- That's a lawyer! - Back to work, folks.
- See you later.
- See you later.
Me too, Lieutenant.
- Did you win another, Mr Finch? - I acquitted myself reasonably well.
- Wish I could have seen you in action.
- Any time.
I tried to come earlier, but I had to see Mrs Staplin.
- Really? How's she bearing up? - Courageous woman.
Very courageous.
I gotta say that, uh There's something about the case that's gonna keep me awake tonight.
- Which case is that? - Oh, you know, sir! You have a bee in your bonnet about that suicide.
Not exactly, but I can't put it to bed yet.
Something about the fax is puzzling me.
- Which facts are those? - Not the facts, the fax - f-a-x.
- Oh, I see.
- You are familiar with that instrument? - We have two.
- What's puzzling me is what Mr Staplin sent on his fax machine to his wife in Hawaii at 12:27, - just before he shot himself.
- A suicide note? No, sir! That would be very strange - a suicide note on a fax machine.
You're losing me, Lieutenant.
I have a lunch with Congressman Mackey, and the primary is just a few days away.
- I really must press along.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Can you spare a few minutes after lunch? What restaurant is it? I can wait outside.
I'd hate for you to have to drag yourself across town on some wild-goose chase.
Tell me, what exactly bugs you? Well, sir, what's bugging me is, uh since you were kind enough to tell me the last desperate words of the deceased, that "What the hell am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do?" business and as far as we know, those were his last words how he could say that and still send this message on his fax machine just before he shot himself.
These are copies, sir.
One he sent, and the other one was beside the machine waiting to be sent.
They're both jokes.
He shot himself between jokes.
- Jokes? - Jokes.
- What jokes? - Good jokes.
- Try me.
- Well, I don't know, sir.
The first one's Jewish and the second one's Irish.
- I hope they won't offend you.
- Maybe the Irish.
Well, then we'll just try the first one.
It's in his own handwriting.
"Susan, what gives?" "I tried calling you a few times.
You fooling around with some gigolo?" That's a bit of a joke to start with - Mrs Staplin, she was nuts about him.
"Anyway, sweetie, we'll talk later.
" "I heard a couple of jokes today.
" "The first one's a flasher story.
" "There was this Jewish lady walking down Beverly Drive, and coming the other way, this flasher guy in his overcoat.
" "When he gets up to her, he whips open the coat.
" "She looks at him and says, 'You call that a lining?!"' Ha! You you know what, Lieutenant? If our Mr Staplin had told me that last night, instead of his wife, I might have gone round there and heard a few more.
And you wouldn't be in a bother, and I wouldn't be late for lunch.
- Maybe you wanna hear the other one? - No time.
I can't wait to get that flasher one to Congressman Mackey.
- So what do you think? - I thought it was a good one.
No, about a man killing himself after a thing like that? If you solve the mysteries of the suicidal mind, you're a smarter man than I! "Call that a lining?"! - Right this way.
- I'll set up over here.
Put the tripod in the middle of the room, toward the desk.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you with the network? Lieutenant Columbo, with the police.
Could the congressman spare me a - a few minutes? - I'm Toby Ritt, the congressman's aide.
Lieutenant, this is really the worst time.
He's getting ready for an important interview.
No doubt you heard some of the speculation about his future in politics.
Well, I'm real sorry if I'm interrupting something like that.
I wonder if you could ask him for maybe just four minutes? I'll be done before these fellas are ready.
Word of honour, sir.
Well, I guess it wouldn't harm anything to ask.
The congressman will see you now.
Lieutenant Columbo.
A couple of minutes earlier, you'd have caught me without pants! How do you do? Let me say right off the bat that I know how valuable your time is.
I appreciate these few minutes.
I'll try my best not to overstay my welcome.
The man's more of a politician than I am! Makeup should be ready for you in five minutes.
Give me a shout.
Have a seat, Lieutenant.
Thank you very much, sir.
- This is a genuine antique, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- It's been in the family for generations.
- Yeah? Last time I sat on one of these things, it broke.
- Is that right? - I was in this lady's house.
You know how fragile they are.
What happened was Oh, well, I'm not gonna get into that.
Just let me say it cost me money.
Not to fear - that one's built to last.
What's on your mind? - This is another antique, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- May I? - Go ahead.
- What is it, sir? - It's an antique cigar lighter.
- Turn-of-the-century English.
- Oh! Does it work? No.
It's a family heirloom.
It belonged to my grandfather.
Well, in that case, sir, I'll just use this one.
I would really prefer that you did not smoke, Lieutenant.
Toby said that you had some questions for me.
Yes, sir.
I did, yeah.
Uh are you aware of the death of a man named Frank Staplin? - Of course.
The suicide.
- That's what we're trying to determine.
- You see, the law requires - You don't have to tell me.
I was a practising attorney for years.
What about Frank Staplin? - You had lunch today with Oscar Finch? - Yes, I did.
- The two of you are old friends? - Going on 20 years now.
Well, it seems that Mr Staplin called Mr Finch at his house, and as it turned out, that call came in just about two hours before Mr Staplin died.
Did Mr Finch happen to mention that to you at lunch today? No.
I wonder what reason he had for calling Oscar.
Um - Could I borrow this, sir? - Help yourself.
According to Mr Finch, Mr Staplin wanted a new attorney.
I'm not surprised, considering the fix he was in.
- Can't seem to get this to work, sir.
- Twist it.
Ah, yes.
Were you aware of any prior relationship between Mr Staplin and Mr Finch? No.
That's not to say that none existed.
Staplin was a notorious racketeer, Oscar Finch is one of our finest criminal lawyers.
It's entirely possible that their paths may have crossed.
And you're not aware of any particular occasion? - None at all.
- Aha.
I see.
Yeah Is that it? "It"? Yes, sir, that's it.
Thank you very much.
- I wish you a lot of luck.
- Thank you very much, Lieutenant.
- There's one more thing, sir.
- Yes? If it's not too much trouble, my wife would love to have your autograph.
Oh! Why, of course, Lieutenant.
That's no trouble at all.
And when the time comes, I would sure love to have her vote.
- What's her name? - Mrs Columbo.
Where the hell have you been? Just busting my gut all over town on behalf of our noble cause.
Your boy made it sound as though you were in need of intensive care.
- I'm in need of one of those.
- What's going on? - Come again? - A homicide detective in my office.
Would you be referring to a certain Lieutenant Columbo? Right, Columbo.
Damn near busted in on my interview.
- Guy's got some act.
- Ah, he's harmless.
Jumped-up boy scout.
Not funny, Oscar.
And he's not so damned harmless when he's on my case about Frank Staplin! He following us? How'd he know you and I had lunch? - I told him.
- You told him? Sure.
He's been snooping around all over the place.
He's just doing his job.
Procedure - they check on the last people a suicide was in contact with.
He told me you had a call from Staplin two hours before he died.
- Sure he did.
- And? He wanted me to represent him in the indictment.
I told the guy to get lost.
Boy, did he ever! That's it? That's it.
Come on, Paul! We've got a lot of work to do.
There's a long road ahead.
Or, um would you rather forget about the White House? Hello, sir.
I'm glad I caught you before you go up to see the governor.
- In three minutes.
- They told me when I called your office.
I need to only ask you one question, then I'll be out of your hair.
Toby, you and Tim go on up.
I'll follow.
Yes, sir.
I'd be obliged if you would get directly to the point.
Yes, sir.
Remember I asked if you were aware of any previous relationship - between Mr Finch and Mr Staplin? - Vividly.
- And you answered that question.
- Yes.
What I neglected to ask was if you had any association with Mr Staplin.
For the record, I never spoke with him - never in person, never on the phone.
We were never in the same place at the same time.
I never knew him.
- I never met Frank Staplin.
- Thank you, sir.
- Is that all? - That was the one question, sir.
If only the rest of this case could wrap up that easily.
Aren't you spending a lot of time on a suicide? It's not that any more.
It's been officially classed as a homicide - since yesterday.
Mr Staplin was murdered.
Well that changes the tone of your investigation.
It does.
We're looking for a cold-blooded killer now.
- Well, I wish you luck.
- Oh, by the way, sir.
Thanks again for that autograph.
My wife was thrilled when she saw your name in your own handwriting and on that paper with the Congressional heading! - Happy to hear it.
- I don't wanna seem a nuisance, but is there any chance we can get the governor's autograph? If my wife had that, well, she would be in seventh heaven.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
I got a question for you.
Give me a try - my wife says I'm smarter than I look.
You pick up and deliver laundry in this area, right? Yeah.
It says that right on the side of the van there.
- Got something more tricky than that? - One of your customers the Finch family? Finches? No.
No Finches, no Sparrows, no Robins, no Larks.
- I got a Mrs Bird, though, if that'll do.
- No.
And I used to be absurd, but now you'd hardly know it! - Good day, sir.
- Mr Amir? - That is who I am.
- Lieutenant Columbo.
- I spoke earlier with your father.
- I've been expecting you.
- How do you do? - Oh - Did you find those items? - Yes, sir.
This stuff was picked up by your driver from the Finch residence - day before yesterday? - Yes, sir.
We have prepared them for the machine.
Here, sir.
- You search for something, sir, yes? - Smoke.
- Smoke? - Cigar smoke.
Ah, yes.
- What caused that? - Water.
- Like walking in the rain? - Like Gene Kelly.
Oh, yes, that would do it every time, sir.
Mr Amir, I'd like to ask you for a big favour.
Is there someplace we can talk? Anything I can do for the police would be my absolute pleasure.
This way.
What I would like to do, sir, is I would like to take that suit for one day.
I'll give you a receipt, date it and sign it.
I guarantee you that you won't be held responsible.
Yes, but what do I say when the client complains that the item has not been returned on time? Mr Amir, there's one thing I know for sure: That is not Mr Finch's only suit.
And are your deliveries always on time? We have an excellent reputation, sir.
Except on very rare occasions when we have problems with the machines.
But that can happen any time.
Yes, sir, that is true - it could happen any time.
- I appreciate your cooperation.
- My pleasure, sir.
This way.
- Well, good evening, Lieutenant.
- Good evening.
I'm sure glad I caught you.
My wife wanted me to give you this.
It's just a thank-you note for the spray.
I'll tell you, she's really enjoying it - it's a whole different house.
What a kind thought.
She must be a very nice lady.
Yes, ma'am.
I see Mr Finch's car outside, in his own spot he beat me to it! He's catching up on his homework.
With the primaries and all, I don't know how he has time to fit everything in.
You think I could duck in there for a minute? Let me find out.
Come in.
Mr Finch, Lieutenant Columbo is here.
- Is he? - Forgive me for disturbing you, sir.
If it's not convenient, I can come back another time.
If you don't mind, sir, I just need a little technical advice.
I'm, um I'm very expensive.
Aw, shucks, sir! - What do you say, Louise? - A break would do you good.
All right.
Come in, Lieutenant.
- You through, Louise? - I'm just going.
- Have a good evening.
- Good night, Mr Finch.
- Good night, Lieutenant.
- Good night, ma'am.
At your service, Lieutenant.
Know what this is, sir? If I'm not mistaken, that is a.
32 automatic.
- That's the gun that killed Mr Staplin.
- Is it? Well, not the one, but it's the same model.
- The real one's been impounded - Pending closure of the investigation.
- Exactly, sir.
- What about it? If I could just show you what's puzzling me, sir.
- Perhaps I could use your desk? - Be my guest.
Now, sir, I'm gonna need something to represent a few drops of blood.
- Could I use some water from that thing? - From the carafe? - Help yourself.
- I notice you have carpet on the floor.
Mr Staplin had hardwood under his desk.
- Could you spare a few sheets of paper? - Paper? Certainly.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Yes? How are you? No, I can't right now.
I'm in the middle of a meeting.
All right.
I'll call you as soon as I'm through.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Sorry about that.
We won't be disturbed again I've switched all calls through to the answering service.
- Where were we? - This is about where the blood was.
Now, let me show you.
This is Mr Staplin's desk.
I'm his body.
Now, sir, after he's dead, here's his arm and there's the gun - under it, on the floor.
- Uh, how does that look to you, sir? - You saw it.
Right, sir.
So here's the weird bit.
This is the way it looked after he'd done what he was supposed to have done.
Something is puzzling me, sir.
I was wondering, maybe with your expertise, if you could help me.
- I'll do my best.
- If you'll take a closer look, sir.
- Closer? Certainly.
- Thank you.
- In the chair? - Yeah.
It's the blood underneath the gun.
There was no blood on the gun.
Not on this side and not on the underside.
So the blood must have dried before the gun fell from his hand on the floor.
You see, sir? This water hasn't dried yet.
So how could a man shoot himself, having a gun dangling from his fingers and it not drop until some time later? It just has me baffled, sir.
- Fascinating.
- Yes, sir.
But not beyond explanation.
You mean that there's some way that that could have happened? - Did Staplin have arthritis? - Arthritis? In the hands? Oh I don't know, sir.
- Check it out.
- Oh, yes.
In the finger joints.
If there was a certain amount of calcification in the finger joints, it could have delayed their extension before the spasm.
Spasm? Invariably, there's a spasm or a digestive quiver that occurs after other bodily functions have ceased, and before the onset of rigor mortis.
So you mean that the gun could have dangled on his finger, with the arthritis delaying it from dropping until this spasm or quiver shook it off some time later.
Precisely put.
And that would explain how the blood had time to dry.
- Possibly.
- Brilliant, sir! I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.
Of course, there might be another explanation.
That was just a conjectural analysis.
I can't imagine a better one than that, sir.
I wouldn't hesitate to use it in a court of law.
No wonder you charge such high fees! The information that you just gave me is priceless.
And thanks for the use of the hall, as they say.
I'll be on my way.
But believe me, sir, I will never forget how you helped me out here tonight.
Any time, Lieutenant.
Any time! Have a good evening.
And, uh kindly close the door as you go out.
I, um still have work to do.
Certainly, sir.
- Good night.
- Good night.
It's just us, Oscar.
You appear calm but you're not.
Staplin was murdered.
- Where did you get that information? - Our raincoated friend.
- He's bluffing.
- I think he's got a suspect.
- Who might that be? - You, Oscar.
And, uh how do you feel about that? We've known each other for a very long time, and I wouldn't be where I am without you.
I let you lie to me yesterday cos I didn't wanna hear the truth.
Maybe I still don't.
Make up your mind, Paul - either you do or you don't.
It's, uh your call.
I'm listening.
- He was extorting me.
- You killed him.
I'd really appreciate your believing it was necessary.
- Necessary?! - Essential.
For both of us.
- There was too much at stake.
- I wish I wasn't hearing this.
He wanted to turn the clock back 21 years the missing-document routine.
- What was I supposed to do? - Tell him to got lost, like you said.
And sit back and wait for him to tell the world what happened in '69, about the favour we did him, the cash that changed hands? If out turns out the prime suspect in a homicide case is vice-presidential candidate Mackey's closest personal friend, - what's the score then, Oscar? - It'll never happen.
- What guarantees do I have? - I'm convinced Columbo is bluffing.
He's been hanging around me like a limpet and hasn't got a clue.
He's fishing! Before I came here, he reconstructed the Staplin death scene in my office, with the gun and all! That was when you called.
Asking for advice! Who does he think he's kidding? Wish you'd been there.
You might have enjoyed it.
Might I? What about Staplin's phone call? You can't shoot a man over the telephone, Paul.
Having guided much of my career, enlighten me on just one more point: What's your alibi? Oscar? What's your alibi? You should have seen the congressman perform on camera in the interview.
It's a natural talent - you either have it or you don't.
Can't give lessons in charisma.
Yeah.
Ah, Lieutenant.
Good of you to respond so quickly to my call.
Paul's upstairs with the governor.
Toby, go check that he's on his way, would you, please? Well, Lieutenant, I've, uh I've been practising law for a very long time and I value my professional integrity above all else, but today I'm going to do a thing that I've never done before.
- What is that, sir? - I'm going to break a trust, an oath.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
It's my understanding that you now believe that Staplin was murdered.
- That's right, sir.
- It's not surprising, considering how many enemies he must have made - he was a ruthless operator.
- You got a suspect? - It's a little early to be sure, sir.
But you do have some clues? Little things here and there.
- Hypothetical? Circumstantial? - Yes and no, sir.
- No proof? - Not yet, no.
I'd hate to think that there was any suspicion or innuendo attached to me.
So would I, sir.
Remember I told you I had a meeting with a client that evening? - Yes, sir.
- And I claimed attorney-client privilege? - Confidentiality? - Yes.
Uh my client - the client I was with that night.
How are you? Oscar's filled you in with the gruesome details? I know it just about killed him to do it, but it's my doing and I take the blame.
- You, sir? - When Oscar mentioned your enquiries, I told him in no uncertain terms to keep my name out of it.
I'm sure you can appreciate the delicate political situation.
A word in the wrong place at the wrong time could upset certain important events.
However, we both now feel we can rely on your total discretion.
After you told me that the agenda changed to murder, I felt it'd be selfish to further impede your investigation.
I apologise.
I understand, sir.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
And good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, Lieutenant, I almost forgot.
For your wife - from Governor Montgomery, with his best regards.
Congressman, uh if you're on the ticket, sir, you have one vote for sure.
Well, you never know, it just might be the one we need to win.
Thank you very much.
Anybody home? Anybody home?! Who's there? Miss Louise? It's Diane, one of the others.
Who's that? - Lieutenant Columbo.
- The cigar man.
I'm in the bathroom, fixing my face.
Just a minute.
Hang in there! - Well? How do you like it? - That's nice, miss.
That's real nice.
It's primary day.
Everybody will be at the celebrations.
Nothing like a celebration.
I hope everything works out.
- Mr Finch says it's in the bag.
- Shows you how dumb I am, ma'am.
Expecting to find him here at the beginning of a night like this.
He'll be in the thick of it someplace.
I'll just wander over to the hotel.
Good night, miss.
- Don't forget to lock up.
- I won't.
Love that dress! Have a ball.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Can I help you? Lieutenant Columbo.
I have to see Congressman Mackey.
He's in the governor's suite.
Follow me, Lieutenant.
- Big night, huh? - Oh, yeah.
It's exciting.
- Ever been in one of these? - No, my first time.
I'll go find him.
Wait here, Lieutenant.
He'll be right out, Lieutenant.
What the hell is going on?! I thought we had our last little chat.
Tonight is not the time to have another.
I'm sorry, sir.
I think we should go someplace private.
This is, uh confidential, you might say.
All right.
Step in Haines's room.
He won't mind - he's fully occupied in there.
- How's it going, sir? - It's looking good.
Get to the point! I'm not going to enjoy this, Congressman, and I wanted to get into it easier, but if that's how you feel, I'll oblige.
All right, get to it.
Notice my cigar? When I was in your office, you asked me not to smoke it.
When did you give up cigars yourself, sir? - What makes you think I did? - Your behaviour.
And that beautiful humidor and lighter that was still on your desk.
Three weeks ago.
The image of the cigar-smoking politician is out of date.
You quit three weeks ago? But after your late-night meeting with Mr Finch, his entire office smelled of cigar smoke.
Well, I didn't say that I'd quit altogether.
What I have done is avoid smoking within sight of cameras and gossipers.
I see.
- Did you drive to Mr Finch's that night? - Of course.
Do you remember where you parked? In his lot.
Was he there already? No.
We arrived about the same time.
And you left together? That's right.
About, uh 2am, as I recall.
Was it raining? - Raining? - There was a short rainstorm that night.
Was it raining when you left? No.
I'm sure it wasn't.
It might have happened earlier, while we were still in Oscar's office.
Or maybe it happened later, after I got home.
Uh-huh.
The scandal in the district attorney's office, '69 the one involving Frank Staplin's stolen documents - you remember that, sir? I'll never forget it.
Destroyed the political future of a fine DA.
- Who you worked for.
- As an assistant DA.
You said you never met Mr Staplin.
Dammit, Lieutenant! I wasn't assigned to the case - we had a large staff.
Mr Finch claims he never met Mr Staplin either.
- So you told me.
- But it turns out that 21 years ago Mr Finch worked for the law firm that represented Mr Staplin.
He was a junior partner at the time.
I doubt if he'd have been assigned a case of such importance.
In 1969, Frank Staplin was in bad trouble and he needed a big favour.
I think he got friendly with the ambitious Mr Finch and they made a deal.
But Mr Finch needed help in the district attorney's office a person who had access to the evidence that had to be destroyed in order to save Mr Staplin.
You were Mr Finch's best friend.
You were that person.
You can't have proof of this.
The little house you've built's floating on thin air.
That's right.
But it's a house made entirely of glass, and you're inside and you can't get out.
If I were you I wouldn't perjure myself for Mr Oscar Finch.
Sounds like the opposition has conceded.
I wish I could say congratulations, sir.
Excuse me, please.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, sir.
Thank you very much.
This is an unexpected pleasure, Lieutenant.
- Somebody send you an invitation? - Not exactly, sir.
- You might say this is a working visit.
- No rest for the wicked.
- Ever the bloodhound.
- In a manner of speaking, sir.
- Moving in for the kill? - I hope it doesn't go that far, sir.
What are you doing, carrying that around? - You look like a delivery man.
- This? I picked this up at the cleaner's.
- Going in for a new look? - Not really, no.
- Lost somebody? - Some friends of mine.
I thought they might be here by now.
- Have you something to say to me? - What? You waved to me.
You gave the distinct impression that you wanted to talk to me.
I did, sir.
I nearly forgot.
Got too much on my mind, sir.
There are a few things I wanted to go over with you.
I spoke to management, and they can let us have a room across the hall.
Somebody just finished a sales demonstration in there.
We can talk.
- More advice? - Just two or three points I wanna go over.
I honestly think, with your cooperation, we could wrap this case up, put it to bed.
Well, that's terrific.
That's just terrific.
But tonight's not the night for that sort of thing.
Why don't you give me a call in the morning? I'll give you all the help I can.
But right now, I'd hate to miss the governor's speech.
But by all means, stick around and enjoy yourself.
Be my guest! This is your suit, sir! The one you got wet! - Wet? - In the rain, the night Staplin was killed.
- I think you did it, sir.
- Where's the room? That was an extraordinary remark you made.
I'm disappointed in you.
- Sorry about that.
- I thought we had a nice relationship.
Nothing's perfect.
This is your suit, isn't it? Let me let me look at it.
Mm, that's nice! Nice fabric.
Yes, I, uh I have one just like it.
It is yours, sir.
It was at the cleaner's.
And it was at the cleaner's because it got wet in the rain.
Oh, yes so it did.
- Where did it get wet? - Where? - Where? - Where else.
- Where it rains, of course - outside.
- When were you outside, sir? When I walked from my car to my office for the meeting with Mackey, and then when I walked from my office to my car a couple of hours later.
Except, according to Congressman Mackey, the two of you left together - and it wasn't raining.
- Then it must have rained earlier.
No, sir, that's not possible either.
And how does your crystal ball deduce that? Well, sir, in your parking space, the ground under your car was dry, so it wasn't raining when you arrived.
It had to start raining after you arrived.
And I noticed that dry spot the following morning when I parked in your space.
But there was only one dry spot not two.
That means there was only one car in the parking lot the previous night.
That means Congressman Mackey was lying when he said he drove to your office and parked in your lot.
And you were lying, sir, when you said you met him there, because he was never there.
And you walked to Mr Staplin's house because you didn't want your car seen outside his house.
And you killed Mr Staplin because he threatened to spill the beans about the favour you did him in '69 unless you did him another favour.
And when you left Mr Staplin's house it started to rain, and that's when you got wet.
But it stopped raining before you returned to your car, and that's why the ground under your car was dry.
- That it? - That's it, sir.
Oh, you, uh you disappoint me, Lieutenant.
You are aware that an accusation of that nature requires proof of presence at the scene of the crime? - Yes, sir, I'm aware of that.
- Do you have it? No, sir.
But you do have a dead body with all the indications of suicide and one self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
Tell me, was there powder on the gun hand? Yes.
How did it get there if he didn't shoot himself? I have no idea.
Then all you have is a load of unsubstantiated, circumstantial poppycock! If you'll forgive me, I think I'll return to the festivities.
But the invitation remains open - you're welcome to stay.
Please, enjoy yourself, Lieutenant.
Um stick around.
Excuse me.
It wouldn't have been possible without you.
- My pleasure.
- Thanks.
- That's it.
- Everything? The works.
Mr Finch? This is a warrant to bring you in for questioning.
We'll do it here.
These gentlemen will serve as witnesses.
You know your rights.
Is there anyone you want present? Let's get this farce on the road.
Mr Finch, where were you on the night Mr Staplin was killed? At my home and in my office.
- When's the last time you saw Mr Staplin? - I never met Mr Staplin.
- Have you ever been in his house? - Never.
- Did you kill Mr Staplin? - Nope.
- This is a piece of gum.
Recognise it? - Recognise a piece of gum?! - Remember chewing it? - I beg your pardon? - Do you chew gum, sir? - Occasionally.
This gum was found in your trash can in your office.
There were also three full packs in the top desk drawer, plus a fourth with only one stick missing.
Uh would you concede, Mr Finch, that if the teeth marks in this gum match exactly with your teeth marks, the average person would believe that it was you that chewed the gum? - More hypothetical poppycock? - It's not poppycock, sir.
Not if it places you at the scene of the crime.
- Enlighten me.
- Have you ever seen this? Police Chief magazine, August issue.
There's an article in here - that's how I know about this.
I found out that in Fresno, California Here, let me read this to you.
Dr Benoff, he's a forensic dentist.
It says, "He punctured the alibi of a suspect in a drug-related slaying by matching a wad of chewing gum discarded at the scene "to the suspect's teeth.
" "Seeing the matched models, the suspect pleaded guilty.
" This is getting to be a big thing - bite-mark evidence.
That famous serial murderer in Florida, Bundy? They put him to death because they could match his tooth marks with the bite marks on the two girls.
It's getting to be big! I'm glad I read this article.
Fascinating as this is, even if the gum were mine, it was not at the scene of the crime.
But this was - this piece of cheese.
This cheese was on Mr Staplin's desk on the night of his death, and the bite mark on this piece of cheese matches the bite mark on this piece of gum.
This is your dental chart, Mr Finch.
This is an X-ray of your eye tooth.
It has a distinct chip on the right front side, and a number of small notches running along the other lateral edge.
I haven't taken a mould of your tooth yet, Mr Finch, but when I do it's gonna be the same thing as a fingerprint the mould of your tooth is gonna match exactly the bite mark on this piece of cheese, placing you at the scene of the crime.
You're under arrest, sir suspicion of murder.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow workers, dear friends this is a night to remember! One bite of cheese! One bite of cheese.