Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

Andy Samberg Wears a Plaid Shirt and Glasses

[thunder rumbling] - Thank you for coming, doctor.
It's happening again.
The patient is having a breakdown.
- What is he saying? - He just keeps repeating details about How he used to host a talk show.
- [shivering] - I'll handle this.
I'll take it from here, gentlemen.
- Reggie? Reggie, is that you? - No, scott, you should know by now.
I am dr.
Fartenmigh littlebutt.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're reggie watts.
You're my best friend.
- No, scott, I'm your doctor.
You see, you've inserted me into your psychotic fantasy.
The idea of a show is something you manufactured Inside of your mind.
- No, no, no, no.
I have a talk show.
I'm scott aukerman, I'm the host.
You're reggie watts, my one-man band leader And musical compatriot.
And there's taxidermy all over the walls And sometimes the couch talks.
[distorted laugh track] You gotta believe me, doc, you-- You do, don't you? - As a matter of fact, I don't.
You're a very sick man, scott.
Normally I would prescribe heavy doses Of anti-psychotic drugs, Mixed with 24-hour-a-day shock therapy.
But I will say that this show that you speak of Sounds pretty cool.
- It does? - Yeah.
In fact, why don't you tell me a little bit more about it.
- You know, we do sketches and we play games.
- What about the part about me being a band leader? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you're definitely the band leader.
- Well, I mean, I do hate being a doctor.
And my patients are constantly making fun of my name.
- Yeah.
Pretty weird.
- What do you say we do this show? - [laughs] all right! - Oh.
Straightjacket.
Um - Doctor, this man brutally murdered 25 people.
- Don't you get it? He has a really good idea for a tv show! - Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Should we bring along that guy who thinks he's andy samberg? - [laughs] - No.
That guy's really crazy.
[soul music] - [inhales] - It's comedy bang! Bang! Tonight's guests Andy samberg.
- comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - Psychic tan fu.
And we check twitter.
- comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
And your host, scott aukerman.
- comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey there, welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Andy samberg is here.
I'm scott aukerman.
And if you're just watching us for the first time, Here's what you need to know in order to catch up.
Okay, so the premise is this.
I inherited this talk show from my late, great uncle Delroy lebocek.
Now as you can understand, the muttonchop family Was not amused by that at all.
But I think the constable's gonna come in pretty soon And he knows a secret or two.
So yeah, it's gonna be a great season.
Hey, in the meantime let's catch up With our good friend, reggie watts.
[electronic music playing] - [scatting in foreign language] - Great stuff.
Welcome back, reg.
- Thanks a lot, scott.
So what did you do over the break? - Oh, you know, I lost five pounds.
- Oh, my god, that's great.
- No, it wasn't.
It was in an english casino.
- [groans] - And then I gained it all back at the free buffet.
- Well, what else did you do over the break? - Well, I got a flat.
- Oh.
I am so sorry.
- No, no, no, no.
I got a flat tire.
I was back in america.
- Okay, that's great.
- So how was your vacation? - [sighs] it was terrible.
- What happened? - I was on the beach and I ran into a little hermit crab.
- That ruined your whole vacation? - Yes.
- But you had a baby while we were away.
Your wife gave birth.
- [cries] scott, I don't like hermit crabs.
- Okay.
Well, we'll check back with you later, reg.
All right, well coming up on the show we have-- - Hey, scott, am I disrupting the show? - Yeah, you kind of are.
- Well the damage is done, I suppose.
Anyway last season you mentioned prunes, And the good people at wrinkled harvest Want you to have some.
So here you go! - Hey, you don't have to dump them all out onto the floor.
- Yes, I do.
[tense music] this is my bag.
And it's going home with me.
See ya! - All right, well, moving on with the show we-- - Delivery! - Again? - Last season on the show you said you loved prunes, So the people over at round and ripe plums Sent you some.
Here you go.
[splattering] - No, those are prunes.
I thought you said they were plums.
- Well they were, but they were sitting In my dry, hot truck for two weeks, so Anyway, what's a plum but a wet, round prune? You know what I mean? All right, scott.
Take care.
- [sighs] all right.
Sorry about that, folks.
Coming up next, we have-- - hey, scott! - [groans] what do you want? - I remember last season on the show you mentioned Ducati 848 motorcycles, correct? - Oh.
- And I think I heard you say something About a lifetime supply of delicious t-bone steaks? - Yeah.
Okay.
- And I think I also might have heard you say something About leggy blonde supermodels.
- Oh, I like where this is headed, huh? - Okay.
- Wait, yodon't have any of that stuff? - Look, if you want free stuff so bad, You can have the rest of my lunch.
I don't want it anymore 'cause I'm full.
[splattering] - Not more prunes.
I hate prunes.
- It's a pleasure coming around here.
- Well, let's get to our first guest.
He needs no introduction.
Okay, it's andy samberg.
[electronic music] - yeah ooh yeah whoo-ooh yeah [laughs] ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh whoo ay-ay-ay-ay-ay whoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha [scatting] [laughs] [gasps] - Ooh.
That was impressive.
- I just felt the groove, man.
- Wow, is that one dance or is that a combination Of several dances in succession? - That was, like, - [laughs] - reduced to that one track.
- Welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you for having me.
How are you? - Oh, I'm great.
- You look good.
- First show of the season.
- It is? - Yeah.
- Oh, right on.
- You know reggie? - Yeah.
Huge fan.
- By the way, His face is actually the one above the one.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- I was making direct eye contact with the sweater.
- So andy, I've always wanted to know, You on Saturday night live, you did the digital shorts.
- Mm-hm.
- Have you ever said to a woman, "hey can I put these digits In your shorts?" - Millions of times.
- I thought so.
- Yeah.
Sometimes I'll just walk the streets saying that To women.
- How was that received? - Really bad.
But I'm just kind of a relentless personality.
- It's a numbers game.
- There's a nice connection there 'cause it's digits and numbers, you know, percentages.
It's all, like, a beautiful mind, I guess.
- Are you seeing numbers when you say that? - Yeah, a lot of them.
They're everywhere.
- Can we add that in post? Can we add that in post? Oh, looks like we were only able to add just a single one.
[electronic beeps, buzzes] - oh, there it went.
Well, it's better than nothing, right? - Yeah, I'll take it.
- So, andy, out of all the snl guest hosts, Who had the smelliest farts? - I'm not gonna answer that.
- Come on, answer the question.
- No.
- Come on, answer the question.
- I will not.
- You're gonna answer the question, andy! Or there's gonna be more slashes in you than in guns n' roses.
- So you're saying there's gonna be more than one slash in me? - Now you're getting it.
- Your logic is sound.
Only you're forgetting one thing.
That you brought a knife to a gunfight! - Aah! - Now drop it.
Or else there will be more holes in you Than lollapalooza '95.
- So there will be more than one hole in me? - Now you're getting it, smarty.
- Well, it's just I remember there was A lot of scheduling conflicts in lollapalooza '95, So maybe you were referring to the holes in the schedule-- - Yeah, I remember that I had tickets and got all screwed up.
But no! I was talking about the band! - All right, I'll drop it! - All right, I'll drop it too! - Wait, why? - I don't know.
I thought we were dropping things.
I got scared.
- Oh.
Okay.
- All right, good.
- So now, andy, I've always wanted to ask you, How do you juggle work and family? Because I think that-- - [crunching] mm.
That's a great question, scott.
- Hey, look, I like apples as much as the next guy, But do you have to eat during the interview? - Well, you know what they say.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
[crunching] - Yeah, that's just an expression.
- Expression? No way.
Look.
[tense music] - Oh! You weren't kidding.
- Sure wasn't.
Not today, doc.
Take a hike.
And kill this.
[bell rings] - Yeah.
- So now, andy, your father is a professional photographer.
- That's true, you've been on wikipedia.
- I have, yeah.
Now do you ever look at what he does and say, Like, "big deal, I do 24 of those per second?" - Constantly.
- Yeah.
That's got to be a bitter pill to swallow.
- He hates it.
- Yeah.
- He beats the [bleep] out of me when I do it.
- Really? - And I'm just, like, "bleep you, man.
I'm not ever gonna back down from you.
" - At some point you've gotta back down.
I mean if he's beating the [bleep] out of you Every night, I mean that's really-- - It's weird too 'cause he's a little guy.
- How tall is he? - He's, like, 3'7".
- How is he beating the [bleep] out of you if he's-- - What are you guys talking about? - Hm? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- I can't hear you.
- Oh, sorry.
- We got to talk louder.
So how is he-- - He's a little guy! - How tall is he? - 3'7"! - How does he beat the [bleep] out of you-- - He's very strong! - And you're very - Weak! - That's better.
- Yeah.
- So, andy, how do you prepare for a role? - Wow.
What a great question, scott.
Did you work really hard on that? Did you stay up late last night thinking, "what would be the best question for me to ask andy?" - You know what? [tense music] I am sick of your attitude.
You think you're so great? Well I got news for you, bubbo! Drop dead! [thinking] is what I should have said.
I'm sorry, I'll try to ask better questions, okay? Just don't leave.
So, uh, do you have any summer plans? - [sighs] yeah.
I'm gonna try and erase this talk show appearance From my resume.
[thinking] is what I should have said.
[sighs] yeah.
I'm gonna try and erase this talk show appearance from my [slurring] resume [groans] I pronounced that word wrong, didn't I? [tense music] - you know what? That is two questions in a row you have been rude to me.
So now I am gonna flip out on you! - [gasps] - you think you're cool! But you're really a fool! And I got better things to do than to hang out with fools! You coming, rhonda? - Hey! That's my girl! - Not anymore, she ain't.
[loud kissing] [thinking] is what I wish I would have done.
[cries] why did you want to hurt my feelings so bad? You coming, seymour? - Uh, okay.
[chuckles] - We'll be right back.
[thinking] is what I should have said.
We'll be blight snack.
Oh, god, I cannot talk today.
[drill whirring] - ow! Ow! Ow! - Scott, it's nowhere near your skin.
- I know, it's just so loud it it's hurting my ears.
Aah.
- Are you sure you're ready for this? - Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
Let's do this.
- Okay.
[drill whirring] - Aah! No.
I'm not ready.
Turn it off, it's too scary.
- This is a big commitment.
Are you sure you don't want some time to think about it? - No.
I'm ready to go.
Let's do it while I have the nerve.
- All right.
Now hold still.
There.
What do you think? - Perfect.
Thanks, reg.
- Sorry about my breath, I just ate a huge bag of onions.
- I can't smell it.
- Oh, really? Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy samberg.
And coming up a little later, Psychic tan fu will be joining us.
But first let's check in with our fans on twitter To see what they're saying about the show With our social media expert, reggie watts.
- All right, I'll just access the internet So we can read some tweets.
Entering the grid.
[shimmering tone] [electronic music] - [automated voice] welcome.
What would you like to access? T.
W.
E.
T.
S.
Access denied.
- What's the matter, watts? Has the server rejected your floppy little disk? [chuckles] Angelfire.
I thought I wiped your code.
- Well, let's just say I rebooted.
[evil laugh] [laser blasts] - [gasps] - and now these tweets are mine.
So long, user! - Oh, no, he didn't! [electronic action music] Vroom! Vroom-vroom! Beep! Beep! Beep! [mimicking motor revving] - You're slower than a 1.
6 gigahertz processor With a 798 megahertz operating speed! [chuckles] Aah! Oh, gigabytes! - Oh, my tweets! Oh, god.
[sighs] - User.
Don't go.
- I can't stay.
- Then take me with you beyond the firewall.
- I wish I could.
But you're a website.
You belong on the internet.
- I suppose it would have never worked between us.
You are a one and I am a zero.
- Never say that.
- I will miss you, chosen one.
- [sighs] I will miss you, too, Xratedsextube.
Com.
[romantic music] [sighs] you taste like wires.
[sighs] - Okay, so where are those tweets? - Well, I only got one and I had to leave it Inside the internet.
- Really? All of that for nothing? - Calm down, scott, I memorized it.
- [clears throat] @tylerdurden17 says, quote, "scott and reggie, you're both basic bitches.
#killyourselves" - Wow.
My mom said that? Well, that was a big waste of time, huh? - Yeah, I'm glad I could be here for it.
- All right, we'll be right back with more andy samberg And psychic tan fu, right after this.
[8-bit video game music] - baby's got me feeling so so high well you do, child 'cause you know I put all my time baby come on today whoo-hoo - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy samberg.
And our next guest is an acclaimed psychic.
Please welcome tan fu.
- do do do do do do do do do do - Hello.
Oh, a bow as well.
- Hello.
- Andy.
- Hi, how are you? Andy samberg.
- Tan fu.
Welcome to the show.
- Thank you very much, it's good to be here.
- I'm a big fan of your work, I find what you do amazing.
- Thank you.
- The spirit world, your connection to it.
- Well, there are voices at all times trying to reach you And trying to communicate.
- We'd love to see a demonstration.
So what does the future-- - oh, that's wonderful.
- Have in store for us? - I'm one of the few mediums that still works with a ball.
- Oh, my goodness.
Look at that thing.
- Here it is.
It's my little friend.
- Well, you know, let's stop talking about the ball And look into that thing.
- Let's look into this-- am I gonna start with you? Where am I starting? - Oh yeah, start with me.
- Andy samberg-- I'm gonna start with you? - Yeah, please.
- Okay.
All right, scott.
So let's see what you got-- [moaning] [whimpering] - This is exciting.
- [moaning] Okay, you something-- you lost your ipod.
You lost your ipod? Did you lose your ipod recently? - Yes.
- Did you have an ipad mini? - I had an ipad mini, but, uh-- - I'm seeing that there's an ipod-- [moaning] I'm seeing that there's an ipod underneath a fishing magazine In your study.
- Oh, of course.
- You have a study? - I don't really call it a study, It's more of, like, an office or a den I guess.
But technically it could be a study.
So tell us about andy.
Maybe we could see into his future or something? - I would love that.
- Shall I? - Please.
- Okay.
[whimpering] - It's working.
- [moaning] Battletoads.
- What? [stammering] battletoads? You're gonna get a part.
The part you wanted.
Zitz.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
- Wait, you auditioned for the battletoads movie? - Yeah, the role of zitz.
- It's a live-action movie.
- That is crazy.
I didn't even tell my parents-- - Not even your parents? - I'm gonna get it? - You're gonna get it and you can tell your parents.
- Oh! - 'cause they're gonna be proud of you.
- That's incredible.
Wow, tan fu.
- Yeah.
You know, I mean, it works 90% of the time.
And when it does, it feels good.
- Well, it worked 100% of the time here with us.
- Well, what are you guys doing later? - You mean after the show? - Yeah, what's going on after the show? I could use the ball but I mean, hey, you're right here.
- Well, the three of us, we were gonna go out To that concert tonight by the kooky cavemen.
You know, 'cause we like their song.
- Yeah.
All: you got me rockin' like a dinosaur - Kooky caveman is my favorite band.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- It's like you guys predicted that.
- Wow, that's great.
Are you going to the show? - Well, I don't have a ticket.
Do you guys have an extra ticket? - Uh-uh.
- No.
- Oh.
- Whoa.
- Oh, what's--what-- - it's happening again.
- [whimpering] oh, my god, this is crazy.
I have seen something that has made my eyes shudder.
- Oh, my gosh, what are you seeing there? - An accident.
Should you go to the concert, You're gonna get into an accident.
I see it.
Oh, my god, andy samberg.
You are tossed through the windshield like a rag doll.
- Wow.
- Oh, my god, it's-- - What happens to me? - Well, you just come out through the sun roof, But your pants get caught on the sun roof, So you just get shot and you land face first On the pavement with your ass in the air.
- No pants.
- And every in the world is looking at the fact That you have a little crack-- you have a little crack? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you have a little crack.
- [whispers] he does.
- Hey, look, tan fu, are you just kind of making that up About the car accident because you want to hang out with us? - Sometimes people put up walls.
Not to keep people out, but to see who's willing To break them out.
- You don't have to do that.
Look, we'll hang out with you.
- I think what you want has been made known.
- Well, if we do go to the concert, What are you gonna do? Can you look into the future? - [whimpering] Oh, dear.
Okay, it's not good.
I wind up strangled by my own belt in a closet.
- Cool.
Well we'll be right back with a little more tan fu And andy samberg after this.
[exotic music] Pretty cool.
- nothing is the way it used to be - Hey, welcome back to the show, we're here with andy samberg And tan fu.
Man, andy, I can't wait to get to that concert.
Right, reggie? I mean, the kooky cavemen.
- Yeah, I don't know the music, but I'm excited.
- Yeah, well I'll tell you what the music is.
- you got me rockin' like a dinosaur - Oh, my god, it's your future.
You guys are assholes, still.
- Well, at least it's in the future and not the present, Right? All right, well, that's been our show.
I want to thank our guest, andy sam-- [groans] hey.
Hey, turn that off! [shimmering tone] hello? Hello? He's comatose.
I wonder what he's thinking about in there.
Oh, well.
I'd better get back to my part time job, Hosting a talk show With this man's identical twin brother.
[rock guitar music] - The wolf dead.