Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e18 Episode Script

Jason Schwartzman Wears a Striped Shirt & High Top Sneakers

- What's the deal With all these talk shows, Am I right? You know, they're everywhere these days.
I mean, look, we talk all day, right? On the phone, to our boss, Blah, blah, blah, blah.
So the last thing we want do When we come home is watch A tv show about talking.
[laughs] I mean, look, I work in an office all day.
You don't see people making tv shows About people working in offices.
I also live with My sex-addict brother Charlie harper In a malibu beach house, And you don't see anyone Making a tv show about that, right? So why all these talk shows, right? Talk shows? - We like talk shows.
- We like your talk show, comedy bang! Bang! - Yeah, why aren't you doing that, Seeing as you have no skill nor aptitude for stand-up comedy? - So wait.
So you think I should be doing my talk show comedy bang! Bang! Instead of - Or anything else but this.
Audience: Yeah! [suspenseful music] - It's funny, right, when we don't like something? [audience moaning] you know, it's like, "hey, "this thing that's happening right now Is not exactly to my taste.
" Am I right? - It's comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! ah ha - Hey there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! I'm scott aukerman.
We have a great show tonight.
Jason schwartzman is here.
And it's a very special show tonight Because every year we here at comedy bang! Bang! Host an annual "take your children to work" day, And this is the night.
So please welcome for the first time, My daughter, stacy aukerman.
[tinny rock music playing] Honey? Do you mind? Great to have you on the show.
- It looks like a basement in here.
- Hiya, scott.
Have a great show.
- The ram head talks? - Of course it does.
- Random.
- [chuckles] So, stacy, I wanted to have you here tonight Especially because I knew That jason schwartzman was going to be here, And as I recall, someone has a little crush.
- Dad, really? Oh, my god, I'm gonna kill you.
I mean, are you trying to embarrass me? God, I hate it here.
- Teenagers.
We all have one.
Hey, let's say hello to our good friend, reggie watts.
[heavy beat] - yo, sometimes it gets hard when you're just a young girl and you want to go far sitting on a couch is harder than you think come on, think next time what? Wink, wink - Very nice, reggie.
- Is his hair always like that? - Honey, tell you what, Why don't you go do your homework in the other room, Okay? - With pleasure.
- Sorry, reggie.
You know how it is.
You know, when they get to be this age, they Hey, who are those two guys? - Oh.
[chuckles] These are my sons, randy and jason.
- [together, monotone] hello, mr.
- I didn't know you had children.
- Well, yeah.
I mean, I was just feeling kind of left out, So I decided to adopt.
- Father, I have a boo-boo.
Will you kiss it for me? - Sure.
Ha ha.
- Oh, it pleases me so much for you to do that, father! - Father, if I have a nightmare tonight, Can I sleep in bed with you? - I guess if it's a nightmare-- - [chortling] good.
I have a nightmare every night, father.
- Hey, guysWhat's your deal? - [together] we're creeps.
- All right.
We'll check back with you guys later.
Well, coming up on the show, we have-- [baby crying] I've heard the song crying by roy orbison, But the sound crying in the studio? What's going on? - Sorry, scott.
That's my son, junior.
He's also here for "take your children to work day.
" - Well, sir couchley, I didn't know you had kids.
- One night after everyone left the studio, Me and your chair had a little too much scotchgard And wound up having sectional all night.
- You got it on with my chair? What the-- - [muffled voice] Don't let this pig fool you, scott.
He still owes me three months of support payments.
- I've heard of providing back support, But paying child support? Sir couchley, are you a deadbeat dad? - I shouldn't have to pay for this mistake For the rest of my life.
It was a one-night stand.
- Oh, don't bring the nightstand into this.
I told you not to mention that slut in front of our son.
- Wah! Wah! - I've heard of the song cryin' by aerosmith, But the song crying by roy orbison? Who are you? - Scott, I guess I should mention I had an entirely separate night of passion With reggie's keyboard.
And well - Keyboard, You octave more sense than that.
- Sir couchley, what would your grandfather clock say If he could see you now? - All right, that's enough furniture puns for now.
All right, well, what do you say we let the schwartz be with us? Please welcome jason schwartzman.
[playing mellow music] Hi.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- That's right.
That's reggie and the creeps.
- [together] helloooooo Ooooooooooooh.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you for having me.
- Big fan of your work.
- Thank you.
- So now if you had been born a girl instead of a boy, Would they have called you jason schwartzwoman? - Well, I haven't thought of it that way, 'cause typically-- - And if so, why would they do that? That would be crazy.
- That's what I was about to say Is that they don't typically change your last name.
- No, your parents are nuts.
- They're crazy.
They shouldn't of had kids.
- No.
To begin with.
- To begin with.
That's what I'm saying.
- Well, it's babies having babies.
- It's never worked.
- If only we could be born at 18 years old.
- But then would we live longer? - I would say, okay, We're born at 18, but we get 18 extra.
- More.
When are they gonna do that? - Reggie, you study up on this kind of stuff.
- Well, I mean, according to the kurzweil model, We're looking at about maybe - Are we high right now? - I'm not.
Are you? - I think I might be.
- Are you? - What time is it, reggie? - It's 4:19.
- We're not high yet.
- Almost, yeah.
- Almost.
I'll check back with you in a minute.
- Hit me in a minute.
- Give me 60 seconds on the clock.
- Yeah.
[ding] - The singularity is a fascinating topic to me.
- Oh, yeah, it is.
But let's talk about it another time.
So, jason, you're both an actor and a musician.
Would you rather win an oscar Or lose an oscar? - I don't know.
What would you do if you were me? What would you want? - Oh, I don't care about those kind of things.
I'm an artist.
- Yeah.
That would be-- That's the answer.
- So, jason, You're an accomplished musician.
You've been in so many bands.
I love the beatles.
- Yeah, me, too.
- One of my favorite bands of all time.
You know what I mean? But we can't ever play Any beatles songs on this show because of the rights.
- Yeah.
- But I kind of figured, You know, you're a drummer.
You could maybe, like, drum a beatles song, And no one would ever be able to know, you know? So maybe you could drum something for us, Just on your knees here? - Well, like, you would know-- - Don't hum the song.
- Oh, I can't sing it? - Yeah, no, no.
Just do the drums.
- Can I name it? You guys might know this song.
- No, no.
You can't even name it, sorry.
Just do the drums.
- So how are you gonna know What it is? - I'll know.
- So, um - [rhythmically] she loves you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yep.
Or how about - [as john] my name's john lennon and I'm here to say It's fun to rock in a liverpudlian way.
Right? - Yep, it was.
- Yeah.
I love that song, The beatles' most beautiful melody.
- Yes.
- Jason, you're both-- - Yes.
- No, no, no.
This jason, not you, jason.
Jason, do you-- - yes.
- No, jason schwartzman, Not jason the creep.
Just stop answering, all right? So, jason, do you ha-- - yes.
- Okay.
All right.
Tell you what, mr.
Schwartzman - Yes.
- That can't be your name.
- That was a college nickname.
- No more.
- It's okay.
- I want to ask you about your new movie, army dogs.
- Yeah.
- It's an animated film? - It's an animated movie, yes.
- Great.
Tell me anything about it.
- Well, it's about this platoon of dogs that go back And find this one dog that gets left behind, That is left for dead.
He's, like, a p.
-- They call him a p.
- A p.
- Yeah.
- Like a paw.
- A paw.
- That's cute.
- Yeah.
So anyway, It's like a movie that Kids are not gonna like.
- I assume it ends with a brutal massacre of all these dogs.
- It does, it does, it does.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- So, jason, do you mind Saying hi to my daughter? She's a big fan.
- No, I'd love to.
- It would be a thrill for her.
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay, great.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, yeah.
- Stacy, this is jason.
- I'm great.
- Stacy, how are you? Nice to meet you.
- It's great to meet you.
- What grade are you in, And do you have a lot of friends? You have a boyfriend? - [scoffs] no.
Not with these charlie brown cheeks and frizzy hair.
I'm so ugly.
- Ah! Sorry, jason.
She says stuff like that all the time And I'm just like, "what can you do?" right? Anyway, so getting back to the interview between you and me, How do you juggle work and family? - Scott, your daughter just said she thinks she's ugly And you want to talk about how to juggle work and family? I mean - I know, but you know, I don't really want to impede the flow of the show.
[chuckles] - stacy, you're not ugly.
You're beautiful, inside and out.
And anybody who doesn't see that is a fool.
- You really think so? - Yeah, I know so.
- Thanks.
- Any other problems I can help with or - Well, sometimes I get really hungry at night.
Like, I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I wish There was a third meal after breakfast and lunch.
- Damn it, scott, you don't feed your daughter dinner? - What's "din-her?" - the meal you eat at night.
You're supposed to eat three times a day.
- I don't know, I was raised just eating two meals.
But I guess it's true what they say-- We repeat our parents' mistakes.
Anyway, jason, you seem like you'd be such a great dad.
Do you have children of your own? - Oh, no, no, no.
I don't have any kids.
My art is my child.
- Fantastic.
So, like your songs and your acting roles? - Actually, my sculptures.
- That's fascinating.
I had no idea.
What do you sculpt? - I make babies Out of polyurethane.
- You make babies? - Yeah.
I'll show you.
So here's one that I made.
This is justin.
- My god.
- As far as I'm concerned, I am a father.
- Why don't you just make real babies, you know, With your penis? - Who says I didn't? As they say, a penis is nature's chisel.
- I don't know who says that.
- Am I a good father? - [echoing] da-da.
- Oh, my god.
It talks? - Justin, scott.
- Hi, justin.
[ominous music] - [shrill voice] bow down to the dark one Or forever be his slave.
- Hey, say we'll be right back.
- I-I'll say it.
We'll be right back with jason schwartzman.
- And justin schwartzman.
- And justin schwartzman.
[off notes] - you're a boy on a train who loves sunshine, cookies, and rain - Hey, reg, what do you want to do tonight? - [sighs] man, I am so exhausted.
I'm going to stay in And I'm going to rent a movie and eat a pizza.
- Can I join you? You know, I may as well Just pick up a pie from mama dimaggios.
- Yeah, sure.
I mean, but if it's mama dimaggio's, We might as well go in and get a pitcher.
- Oh, yeah.
You know what, A new movie theater opened up next to mama's.
If we're gonna see something, we may as well just go there.
- Yeah, but if we're gonna go out and see something, We might as well go see something good.
- Like what? - Well, how about Madame butterfly, playing at the opera house? - But if we're gonna go there, We may as well dress up a little.
- You know, I have to mention for brunch today I had pizza and beer, So maybe we ought to get something else.
- Caviar and champagne.
- [gasps] - [operatic singing] - [formal voice] so glad this worked out.
- Here, here, my boy.
[both chuckling, singing continues] [drumming, rapping] - Based on a book that, oddly, Is based on reality, you know.
- Welcome back to the show.
It's "bring your children to work day.
" I'm here with jason schwartzman and his child And my daughter, stacy.
And, you know, jason, about this time in the show It's usually where we ask reggie If he'd like to ask you a question.
So, reggie, or maybe one of your kids? - Sure.
I think I speak for all of us When I ask this question.
Later in the 18th century, As manufacturing and industry kind of ramped up, Do you think that the pollution levels in the air Of various nations that had access to that technology And were in that race for production and manufactung Actually gave way to a new form of human evolution By the pollutants enhancing our genetic code? - I believe that in some way, yeah, Because it affected where people moved, Where they lived, people being closer to cities, Farther away from cities.
And, you know, now as technology and science and stuff, We're learning so much About pollutants and things and chemicals.
Of course, maybe something affected us in some way.
But the answer is I don't know.
- Reggie, try to keep your questions to show business.
- [scoffs] o.
- Stacy, don't use those kind of initials.
I'm sorry, jason.
Kids, right? You know, being a dad is tough.
- For you, because you're terrible at it.
- About that you are right, my friend.
You are damn right.
J, sky hook-- [buzzer] - Whoa, damn.
- That's pretty good.
- You should join the nba, scott.
- You really think so? - Yes.
- Okay.
[exciting music] [crowd murmuring] - Hey, first game, scott? - Yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
I've never even held a basketball.
- There's a basketball right there.
- Eh.
- Don't be nervous.
They only drafted me 'cause I can dunk.
- But you-- - a doughnut.
Hey, could you toss me a water? - No problem.
Simpson goes back to pass.
[buzzer] - 3 points.
Scott, you should play in the nfl.
- WellOkay.
[crowd cheering] [exciting music] - Hey, so tell me the truth.
How do you hold on to that ball? - You want to know a secret? It's fun to fumble.
- I thought so.
[laughs] - hey, rookie, Time to suit up.
- [wolf whistle] - Hey, now.
That's a mean whistle.
You should be a referee.
- Well, I'm kind of a professional athlete.
But okay.
[crowd cheering] - Here's your whistle.
Careful, it's dirty.
- Hey, watch this.
J drops back for a sky hook.
[buzzer] - [laughs] - whoa, young blood.
Where did you learn to shoot a can like that? Did you ever consider being a janitor? - Okay.
[triumphant music] Oh, hey, eric, Hot enough for you? - Whoa, scott, that was a great question.
You ought to be a talk show host.
- Okay.
[upbeat music] [laughs] All right, we'll be right back With more jason schwartzman after this.
[funky music] - And then this goes through.
D then you just pull it.
- Fascinating.
Hey, we're back here with jason schwartzman.
It's "bring your children to work day.
" And, jason, I did mean to ask you, Now that we have a little time, How do you successfully juggle work-- - Dad, I have to go get ready for my date.
- Date? - Yeah, and he's gonna be here Any second.
I know you love scaring away all my boyfriends, But anthony is really sweet.
So please be nice to him when he gets here.
- I don't know, honey.
I don't like this one bit.
- Scott, from personal experience, You should trust stacy.
She's her own person.
And, stacy, you should trust scott.
And you know, what good is a life without trust? - Jason, when you're right, you're right.
All right, honey, go ahead and go on your date.
And I promise I'll be nice to him.
- Great.
- All right.
- Break a leg.
- Hmm.
So now, jason-- - hey, what's the holdup? I've been honking my car horn for, like, ten hours.
- Excuse me one seco.
Ah, you must be anthony.
- Anthony? That name sucks.
Call me jack blade.
Can you do that for me, you old fool? - Old fool? You disrespectful little-- Sorry.
Sure, jack blade.
Nice to meet you.
Sit down, please.
I-I'm stacy's father.
She's just getting ready.
Now, jack, I just have a little favor to ask of you tonight.
- Oh, yeah? What's that? You want me to rub lotion all over your wrinkly old dick? You sick perv.
[dramatic musical flourish] - No, it's nothing like that.
I just want you to show my daughter a good time tonight.
Just treat her nicely, okay? - Sure, sir.
Sure, I will.
For starters, I'm gonna take her to a real fancy restaurant.
Then I'm gonna have the waiter order her The most expensive item on the menu.
Then I'm gonna have the waiter Put your daughter's food in a bowl on the floor So everyone can watch her eat it like a dog.
- I don't think stacy would like that.
- [mocking] I don't think stacy would really like-- Who cares what you think, you old maggot? You mind if I drink? - Alcohol? Yeah, I do mind.
- Oh, you do? Oh, okay.
Then I guess I won't drink, huh? Oh - Aah! - Oh! - Pfft! Aah! [both shouting] Oh! - You deserved that.
- Look, anthony.
- Anthony? - Jack blade.
Jack blade.
Look, I don't want you Dating my daughter.
- Okay.
- Really? - Yeah, I get it.
I'm bit of a dick.
Bye, scott.
- Where's anthony? Daddy, you scare them all away.
- Ah.
I guess I'm not a good father after all.
How does guido sarducci do it? Well, we'll be right back with more jason schwartzman After this.
- danny likes my smile, danny likes my tits - [blowing] - Absolutely.
- Welcome back to the show.
I want to thank my guest, jason schwartzman.
Thank you so much for being here.
- Thank you so much for having me.
- My pleasure.
Stacy? What's the matter? - Everything, dad.
This is the worst day of my life.
You scared away the only boy that has ever asked me out, You don't know anything about me, And you embarrassed me in front of jason schwartzman.
- Look, I know what to say to make you feel better In a little segment we call "daddy knows best!" [airy music] You know, as a parent, they say that we teach our kids.
But as every parent knows, our kids teach us, too.
For instance, this morning my daughter taught me how to drive.
I was being grumpy, and I didn't want to get out of bed.
But she came into my room.
She made me get up.
And then she made me pancakes And taught me how to drive in the parking lot At the little-league fields.
And that's not all she's taught me, either.
If it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't know how to do my taxes or how to do my laundry Or even to mow the lawn.
And I certainly wouldn't have ever eaten my pudding If she hadn't made it into a little airplane And then flown it right into my mouth.
So, yeah, kids may learn a lot from us.
But if you think about it, We learn a little something from them, too.
Of course, no matter how much they teach us, One thing always remains true.
Daddy knows best.
Well, hon, did that make you feel better? - Yeah, dad.
I love you.
- I love you.
Come here.
Audience: Aw! - Scott.
You just successfully juggled work and family.
- How do you juggle work and family? Work and family? Work and family? Work and family? Family and work? Work and family? How do you juggle work and family? [audience gasps, murmurs] Oh, my gosh.
Come here.
[laughs] [laughter] W.
[laughter, applause] All right.
From our family to yours - [deep voice muttering ominously] Together: Justin! [cheers and applause] - Wah! [engine revving, clatter] - The wolf dead.
- AbsoLutely.