Comic Book Men s03e02 Episode Script

You guys never pondered technology-based heroes Versus magic-based heroes? All day, every day.
That's all I ponder.
Right? Come on, man, I'm serious.
Can technology best magic? I mean, at the outset, yeah, But there's no electricity, it's all gone.
The magic is always there, right? Right, that's right.
Your magical heroes are by and large corny - Though, right? - Whoa.
- Like Harry Potter: Corny.
- What? Lords of the Rings, like, all that stuff's corny, man.
I think you got to get more in the real world.
Bill Gates versus David Blaine Who wins? - Bill Gates.
- Why? Because David Blaine isn't really magic, so Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that can do the Green Lantern oath In Klingon.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, boys, give the fat man the skinny.
What sold this week? Enjoy.
Have great afternoon.
- See you later.
- Thank you.
How you guys doing today? How you doing? I am after some Hot Toys.
I mean, we got a lot of Hot Toys here.
Like, you mean Hot Toys, the brand? Yeah, Hot Toys, the brand, yeah.
Specifically, Dark Knight-related Hot Toys.
I think we may have.
What about the - The Batman? - The Batman.
Yeah, hang on.
- Into the Batman, huh? - Yeah, yeah, big time.
Favorite Batman? I'd have to say Christian Bale.
The trilogy means a lot to me.
The portrayal and respect for the character I don't think anything comes close.
So not Val Kilmer then? - Check it out.
- Okay, so wow The Dark Knight Rises, Hot Toys.
I can tell by the box this is the piece That I've been after for some time now.
What does "DX" mean? The DX12 is the latest issue of The Dark Knight Batman.
I don't think there's a finer manufacturer Of high-end action figures on the market today - Than the Hot Toys.
- Every time they put one out, They're more and more realistic.
They go out of their way to make the action figure Pretty screen accurate.
The heads are removable To reenact different scenes from the films.
They're highly poseable, and the production's limited, So they're highly sought-after, and They're pricey though, ain't they? Yes, yes they are.
These are big action figures, With the amount of accessories that a young Kevin Smith Would have just, you know, lost his mind over.
But these kind of toys, they're not for kids.
Nobody's buying this Batman version And giving it to a child.
Not after you paid Unless that kid is Richie Rich.
So why you looking to get this one, though? Well, this would be The second-to-last piece in my collection.
I've got a entire floor of my house devoted to Batman.
- An entire floor? - Yeah.
A man cave of sorts.
I can promise you this nobody that you know - Has a Batcave like my Batcave.
- Really? We're talking secret entrance, - Batsuit, 120-inch screen.
- What? You know, the whole deal.
It's a secret room in your house? Yeah, it's in the basement.
An unassuming person would walk down there And have no idea that room even exists.
Why haven't I done this yet? I mean, we all have our versions of a man cave.
Some are more elaborate than others.
Mine is a bathroom that's all mine.
I go in there, sit down for an hour, get lost, And people are like, "Where's Kevin?" They're like, "In the Batcave.
" But it's decked out nice, with, like, some You know, some, some Not really.
- No ephemera, it's just - Oh, okay.
It's more of a "name only" kind of thing.
So what does the wife think about you creating a Batcave? You know, she's been surprisingly cool with it.
- Right, it's all hidden, right? - Yup, yup.
That's the way we got to go.
We got to hide it, man.
- We got to hide it? - Yeah.
That's the key to a good marriage just hide everything.
No, I meant your collectables and your - Oh, right.
- And your you know, - Your little treasures.
- That's what I was Talking about too.
Not your sexuality, right? All right, man.
Wrap it up? Well, I notice you're asking close to 500.
I was hoping, you know, maybe to track one down More in the 400 to 425 range.
It's a DX man, a DX.
I mean, I probably can get 495 easy.
Could you do 450 and a trip to the Batcave? - You're serious? - Yeah, yeah.
That'd be absolutely awesome.
You're inviting us all down to your Batcave? Yeah, in fact, I can do it as soon as this weekend.
You'd see everything, the whole deal.
I-I don't think I can refuse this.
An invitation to the Batcave Only comes around once in a lifetime.
I can assure you, you won't be disappointed.
Well, then, if I am disappointed, I'm gonna want that 50 back, cause I'm gonna take the 450.
- I can live with that.
- All right, man, deal.
Got a deal.
So here's my address and cell phone number.
All right, man.
We'll be there.
- Really looking forward to it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
Batcave.
- Hey, Mike.
- Yeah? That guy that was just in here just invited us - He has his own Batcave.
- Oh.
I can't go.
I'm going to a wedding with my family.
All right, well, it looks like it's just us three then.
- I'll drive.
- It's gonna be awesome, baby.
Got something you might want to check out.
- Oh, wow.
- Wow.
The original 12.
Check it out, man.
- Wow.
- This is some setup.
You know what my all-time favorite talking dog is? No.
Hong Kong Phooey.
Worked as a janitor in a police station, But by night, Bruce Lee.
The Scatman.
They used to call me that in grade school Until I was able to control my bowels.
You got a favorite all-time talking dog? Ren from Ren and Stimpy? Don't try to play to the in crowd with To hipster Mike over here? Who's your favorite all-time talking dog? - Uh, I loved Astro.
- Jetsons.
- I loved him.
- He is kind of, like, The third class of the talking dogs, though.
He was just barely in a couple episodes.
I guess that says a little bit about, you know, Mike, With that kind of choice, right? Yeah, like, barely noticed.
Did your family forget to feed you a lot growing up? Like "Oh, that's right, we have a son.
" - What's happening, guys? - Hey, how you doing? Got something you might want to check out.
From a long, long time ago.
- Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- Oh, ho ho.
- It's the original 12.
That's amazing.
- The '76 - the original 12, first series.
Yes, yes.
With a display case.
I've never seen a display case.
It's funny too, the display stand is what I really love.
When the movie came out, You couldn't get the action figures - Right.
- And then, christmas of '77, If you got the Early Bird, you could send away for this, And you had something to put them on Before any of the other vehicles or toys.
I remember filling out the self-addressed, Stamped envelope as a kid and the two proof of purchases From any of the figures, and, like, 2 bucks, Waiting four to six weeks, And I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
The magic of mail away.
Ohh.
Where in order to get something, you didn't go to the internet.
You had to mail away.
You'd actually have to get out an envelope, address it, Usually $2, usually a proof of purchase stamp Of some sort, and they promised In eight to ten weeks something great would happen.
- Oh, yeah.
- My parents didn't Buy into it right away.
They were like, "This is some kind of pyramid scheme.
Is this amway or something?" So you're looking to move it today? I am.
I actually just acquired a new business.
I bought out my partner.
I own a bar.
- Okay.
- Trying to make some room, Make a few bucks, 'cause every you know, When you own your own business, every penny counts.
This is one I hate to see go, but I think it's got good value, - So - It does appeal to me Because all the figures are here on and the stand.
It looks like, you know, it looks like It's a really excellent piece, But I'm not exactly sure about what it goes for, though, But I do know someone who does.
- Hey, Robert.
- Yeah.
- You got a second? - Sure thing.
If you're on the fence about what something's worth, man, Rob Bruce is your spirit guide Through the world of collectability And how not to get screwed, price-wise, in that world.
Very long title doesn't fit on his business card.
When Star Wars came out in late summer, They didn't expect the response that they got, And really they couldn't meet the demand, So what they did for christmas of '77 - Was they sent out this packet - They call it "The Early Bird"? Yeah.
You could buy it at Toys R Us, Then you would mail it in and they would send four figures To your house: Leia, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and the original Luke.
This was offered as a, like, premium bonus with that package.
What do you put its value at? Well, that four box that they sent you with the Early Bird, I've seen those for 3,000 to 4,000, But there's some issues.
The Han is kind of beat up.
The original luke had a telescoping lightsaber.
This one is actually the normal release with a slider.
Did you buy this at a con? I honestly don't remember.
I've had that one for a while.
I'm pretty sure that this lightsaber Is a repro lightsaber.
It looks like some sort of french tickler.
Doesn't it? You have all 12 figures.
Probably the 12 figures alone, - With the stand? - The stand, a 100, 125.
So you're probably looking at 200, retail.
So after hearing that, What do you think you'd let it go for? I know you got to make some money.
Um, 170? Like you said, every dollar counts when you own a business, So how about 125? How about we meet in the middle, and we do 130? I could let it go for 130.
- You got a deal.
- Do it.
- Good deal.
- All right.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Brought an old Underdog Dakin doll from the '70s.
Holy crap! Well, welcome to my Batcave, gentlemen.
You're given a million bucks And told you can only use it to build your own man cave.
What does your man cave look like? - What's its theme? - Bedrock.
I'd make it look like a Flintstone house.
Really? Are you that big a fan? Yeah, and it would have, like, the little pelican, You know, that you know, that I put on the record player.
- Fortress of Solitude.
- Oh, bravo! Interplanetary Zoo, the whole nine yards.
You got Batcave has to be top choice.
Fortress of Solitude should be number two, Man, think about it.
That is the ultimate man cave.
Man of Steel cave.
what is your man cave theme? - Caligula.
- Caligula? Right? Would it have a vomitorium in it? Oh, man.
People buried up to their heads with lawnmowers coming at them.
But I'd still have a pelican phonograph.
You know what's mystifying? Is the fact that there's guys going out there today Dressed as superheroes, acting like superheroes, And there's really no mass media coverage of it.
I mean, it's crazy.
To get real media attention, We need the rise of super villains.
- Villains.
- How committed are you To comics? So what, I got to be a bad guy? Yeah, you can be you can be "Pip-Queak.
" What kind of crimes does he dabble in? He leaves a little puddle of urine.
Insurance fraud.
He urinates in stores, slips on it, And then files Files a claim.
Then CNN, MSNBC, all over the news, baby.
You'll be famous.
- How you doing? - Hi, guys, how you doing? - Oh, my gosh.
- Brought in An old Underdog Dakin doll from the '70s, See if you guys were interested in it.
I am a gigantic Underdog fan.
- You remember this cartoon? - Oh, yeah, me too.
I remember Underdog, absolutely.
Yeah, he's my favorite.
I've been collecting him since, - Like, '89.
- Wow, this is nice.
This is a nice box and everything.
Yeah, it's pretty rare, you know.
Dakin.
That doesn't ring a bell.
I mean, I can remember going out, you know, Shopping constantly.
I've never seen this before.
Dakin's were a huge part of my childhood.
Do you remember the Perkins Pancake House in middletown? Yeah.
They had a wall behind the register With all these Dakin's figures.
I ate a lot of sugar as a kid, So I always had to go to the dentist, And how they got me to go to the dentist And sit through the drill The promise of a Dakin's figure At Perkins after the dentist trip.
What's Underdog missing? He's missing his ring.
Underdog would wear a ring with a little pill in it, - I guess - Yeah, he was a shoeshine boy.
He was a shoeshine boy, and he would - Go into a phone booth - Yeah.
Turn into Underdog, but then his powers Would kind of wane, I guess.
A lot of people say Underdog was just a rip-off of Superman.
There were a lot of similarities.
Like what? Well, Superman - Didn't pop a pill.
- Yeah.
- No, he didn't, but - He didn't wear a ring.
Didn't he get changed in a phone booth? - Yes.
Yes.
- Yup, that's true.
The phone booth is a tough one to dispute.
Yeah, right? Underdog, heavily predicated on Superman.
Sweet Polly Purebred is Lois Lane.
Simon Bar Sinister, just like his Lex Luthor, Bald as well, but no other super heroes That I can think of pop a pill and become super.
So what do you think the energy pill was? - Was it methamphetamine? - Underdog had meth mouth? Yeah, his teeth were rotting out of his head, man.
It was gross.
So why are you looking to sell it today? My business closed down where I was working.
Just looking to get rid of a couple of things, you know.
You don't want to become a shoeshine boy? No, not at all.
That is exactly right.
And what are you looking to get today for it? - I was looking for 4.
- 4 bucks? Definitely.
No, 400.
Um, would you take $200 for it? - Uh, nah.
- No? No, I can't do 200.
I'd do 300.
I could do 300, yeah.
How about 260? How about wait.
- It's only 5 more.
- It's definitely cool.
Yeah? All right, cool.
- You got a deal.
- Excellent, ah, great.
- Thanks, man.
- Thanks, thank you.
- All right, 265, man.
- All right, great.
- I hope it helps.
- All right, great.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right, have a great day.
- See you later, take care.
- See you later.
Bye-bye.
This is it, huh? It's awesome.
Doesn't look like Wayne Manor though.
So this guy let us come out to Delaware - And see his Batcave.
- No way.
We had to wear blindfolds when we went in.
Yeah, yeah, he sprayed us with the bat The little That little "psst.
" Uhh.
- "Pick up walkie.
" - That's kind of weird.
- Should I pick it up? - Yeah.
Hit the button.
- Is that how you use a walkie? - Yeah, it Good morning, gentlemen.
I see you found the place all right.
Yeah, is this Chris? Please enter the house, walk straight ahead, And proceed down the staircase on your right.
And at this point you run, because that's horrifying.
That is how a horror movie begins.
You read that in a newspaper, you're just like, "And these idiots went inside?" Next beat is, "I've chained you to a radiator.
Here's a hacksaw, there's only one way to the key.
" Yeah.
You know what, any dude that builds a Batcave Is definitely into theatrics, right? I'm going in.
- Can't help yourself? - You're just gonna go in? - Yeah, go ahead.
- I'm not going first.
- You go first.
- Just go on! Go on.
- Check it out, man.
- Wow.
Welcome to my Batcave, gentlemen.
I didn't think you actually Had a real cave.
Whoa.
This is weird.
Where is everybody? You left the car running, right? In case we gotta go? Like, it feels weird, like, wandering around this house.
Just go to the bottom Of the stairs and let us know how it works out for you.
You're in this man's house, but you still haven't seen him? No, I mean, no sign of life at all in this house.
Why did he have to be all creepy like that? Why can't we just ring the doorbell, "Hey, welcome to my house.
Come see my Batcave.
" - Why can't it be like that? - He's a bat fan, man, And what do we know about Batman? "Theatricality and deception are powerful agents.
" Look at all this Batman stuff.
It's nuts.
- Check it out, man.
- Wow.
This is some setup.
This is the creme de la creme of man caves, man.
Do we even have this much Batman stuff in the store? - No.
- Huh.
Check this out, bro.
He's got good taste.
Want to see some more, man.
Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy.
Look at the little bat vehicles.
- Batman TV Show Batmobile.
- Got a tumbler.
Holy crap! This dude's bat crazy.
I think there's a word in between "bat" and "crazy" That you should throw in there.
Gentlemen, I see you're enjoying yourselves so far.
You think he's watching us? If you turn around, you'll see a grandfather clock With a bust of William Shakespeare's head Beside it.
I assume you know what to do with that.
- Now it's getting really weird.
- Lift it up.
All right.
There's a button right there.
Press it.
Holy crap! All right, my blue canary, after you.
Come on.
- Holy crap! - Whoa.
Welcome to my Batcave, gentlemen.
Holy crap! I didn't think you actually had a real cave, though.
A Christian Bale batsuit is on display, lit.
- No! - Yes.
There's rock formations.
There's a batarang.
It was literally like we were on the set Of a Chris Nolan Batman film.
It is the dopest thing you've ever seen, man.
You're not really Batman, are you? I wish I was.
The suit's a replica of the costume worn In the Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises.
- Do you ever put this on? - You know, I really wanted to, but I don't quite fit into it.
Oh, man, I would work out until I fit into that thing.
There's the DX12.
Oh, yeah, I couldn't wait to bring that bad boy home And set him up.
Proudly displayed him Right on the edge of my desk there.
What was the inspiration? Were you just like, "Hey, I'm bored, I want to build the ultimate Batcave.
" The Batman Begins movie kind of inspired me.
I wanted to lay it out as if Batman was operating Right out of this room.
On a weekly basis, how much time is spent Down here in your Batcave? Probably 75 to 80% of my time.
Oh, Lord, man.
With his family, I hope.
Or are they all pounding on that clock? The room doubles as a home theater, Complete with a front projector and a 120-inch screen.
- 120 inches? - Follow me.
It feels like we're sitting in God's hands.
There's a power button on the inside of the armrest If you want to recline.
Ohh Oh, my God.
Ohh, man.
Thank you, Chris.
- Thank you for coming down.
- I can't thank you enough.
I can tell you guys enjoyed yourself, But the pleasure was, really, all mine.
For God's sake, get up.
Let's go.
It's so hard.
I think it's important for everybody To have their own space And call it their man cave or Batcave.
You know, we all had a playroom when we were kids, And then when you get older, you get the whole house, But you still need a little space of your own.
Trade out the action figures for probably being online, maybe looking at porn.
And that's it, all temp was a turntable and five microphones.
We got this jam wraped up, folks.
We're Comic Book Men, I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Always let the wookie win, kids.
Good night.