Comic Book Men s03e09 Episode Script
Superman's 75th
Hey, you know what I was thinking about? What if we could put a bunch of superheroes, like, into a house, like on those reality shows, and uh, see all the drama that goes on? Which superheroes would you put on the house? You do yours first, give me time to think.
Tony Stark, he's an alcoholic.
Then you're talking about like Superhero Rehab, not Superhero in the House.
Allright, we're gonna like, like, females.
See their tension, the drama.
- Sexual tension? -Yes.
He's right about that.
The Stash has none of this drama or sexual tension.
That's what you think.
You haven't been keeping a close enough eye on those two.
Did you know they installed a hot tub Downstairs in the storage room? Who? Me and Mike? Yeah.
All right.
Well, you know, obviously, you've been thinking about this.
This is your great idea.
Who is the perfect female for this idea? Oh, I've got to pick them? Oh, man.
How about, like, Harley Quinn and Power Girl? Oh.
- All right, I like that.
- Do you like that? - I like that.
- You like that? Lot of drama there.
Lot of tension Trying to one-up each other, scantily clad outfits.
Look at him.
- Right.
- Like this is real.
He's about to fly off that stool, man.
I like this.
It looks like you're ready to go down in the basement And jump in that hot tub right now.
Power girl, I mean mike, come on.
Hello and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that believes that Clark could have saved Kevin Costner from that twister.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, now, all you guys are in the know, But only Walt knows everything.
What's going on this week? It took a customer coming in To spark a pretty good idea I had.
Hey.
What can we do for you today? Hi.
Yeah, I was looking for a gift for my dad.
He's a big Superman fan.
What are we looking for, we looking for Superman comics, Superman hardcover, Superman statue, action figure? Probably some kind of rare item, maybe like You want something on the rare side.
- On the rare side.
- All right.
Want to go grab that Clark Kent figure from the back? Yeah, the one in the glass, yeah.
Wait until you check this out.
May I, Ming? You ever see this? - The Chemtoys Clark Kent figure.
- No.
You can tell back then that toy companies Weren't concerned with the likeness.
Yeah.
It's almost like the president of Chemtoys was like "Good enough.
" You have to forgive Chemtoys Because it was in the birth of the action figure.
They hadn't gotten sculpting down right yet.
It was the infancy of figures, and thank God It came on a blister card with a picture Of what Superman really looks like, Or else you wouldn't know what Yeah, like, what is this? That's that? Okay.
How old's dad going to be this year? My dad is going to be 75, and the cool thing is It's also Superman's 75th birthday.
Oh, my God, that's right.
So that's pretty cool.
Your dad and Superman, born the same year.
Same year.
Dude, you're looking at Superbaby right here.
Look at that.
This is definitely the gift.
Definitely interested.
Are you stuck on $150? Why, what are you looking to spend? I'm looking to spend about $50.
$50? Wow.
They call that a super insult.
I can see where you're going.
I can see what kind of price range we're looking at.
I can see where dad stands.
You're looking for, like, a super button for a dollar, It seems like.
He would appreciate the button, but you know, It is his 75th birthday, so I really Want to get him something special.
Would you be willing to do $80? $80.
Oh.
No, there's not a chance, man.
The dead lowest price I could let this go for Is a buck and a quarter.
And I'll throw the pin in too.
I'll do it.
- You'll do it? All right, man.
- Yeah, thanks.
All right, man, $5 is your change.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, wish your dad a happy birthday from us at the Stash.
I will.
Thank you very much.
A pleasure doing business with you.
- Thank you.
- He'll love it.
See you later.
Wow, you know what? I almost forgot it was Superman's birthday.
That guy's got me thinking, though.
I know we've had birthday parties here in the past That didn't go so well.
Ahh! What if this time we did it right, though? - And we didn't invite kids.
- Okay.
And we have this, like, super extravaganza.
You know? Like, we make it, like, we build it up, we invite our customers, Maybe we even get some local media press, You know, we get it in the paper, you know.
A party for superman on his 75th birthday.
I think we should I think we should even go all out Like us at the Stash go all out And dress in Superman costumes.
So, like, all of us will be wearing tights and capes? Not superman costumes.
Because we're not just celebrating Superman's birthday, We're celebrating Superman history.
And that history includes all those other characters That make up Superman's universe.
Costumes, decorations, party food.
A hundred middle-aged men crammed in here, Dressed in tights.
Yeah.
Sounds like a good time.
All right, so, okay, I'm gonna put you on the decorations.
Okay, I'm good at decorations.
- Mike, you know food.
- Food.
You're the chef.
I want you to make us some super hors d'oeuvres.
Whew, that is fancy.
Wow, you even pronounced it right.
Very impressive.
That was impressive.
I'm gonna try to maybe secure A super guest.
I want to have somebody in here that will blow you all away, - That will blow your doors off.
- I am in.
I'm always up for a party.
All right, let's do this, man.
For Superman.
For Superman.
I called about the Lois Lane comic book.
Yes! Yes.
- Ooh.
- We put it aside for you.
I'm so excited.
I mean, this is your only chance To have this go home with a black woman.
All right, you know I brought you guys here today To get the current status of the Superman birthday party.
Where are we at? I got the invitations printed up.
Check them out right here.
Wow.
Looks good, right? Look at this paper, man.
This is absolutely, definitely high end.
Great job.
All right, so, Mike, what about you? I got I'm working on the hors d'oeuvres.
I've got the cake ordered, and I've got The perfect super punch for this thing.
And, bryan, you have done what? I haven't eaten in the last For all the hors d'oeuvres.
What about you? What about this secret celebrity guest That you said you were getting? - It's coming.
- Really? It's coming.
It's me.
I mean, that's what I expect.
Where did you get a celebrity guest? It sounds like you're It sounds a hint of doubt in that voice.
Yeah, I mean, a little bit.
I mean, like I mean, you're not entrenched with all these These celebrity things.
I'm telling you, I got a guest, And it's going to be super, and you're going to crap yourself.
Again.
It's going to be awesome.
Super party of the season.
That's what I want to hear, baby.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you? I called about the Lois Lane comic book.
Yes! Yes.
- Ooh.
- We put it aside for you.
I'm so excited.
Lois Lane106.
Lois lane turns into a black woman.
I'm a huge Superman fan, and so when I read about this one, I had to get my hands on it.
So Lois Lane switches from white to black in this issue.
Yes.
Superman just happens to have this kryptonian machine, Which can turn her from white to black.
It was called a plastimold.
We have them on Earth.
They're called tanning booths.
Yeah.
Lois Lane, one of the world's greatest journalists, Was going to see what it was like To be a black woman for 24 hours.
It was intended to be thought-provoking.
But when you look at it now, you're like But think about it, though.
Let's say that machine really existed.
Wouldn't it be great, you know, if we were forced by Superman To spend 24 hours in somebody else's skin? I think it would bring all the ethnicities together Because we'd all be like, "We got to stop this Superman Who keeps forcing us into this machine like we're sneetches.
" But it's awesome.
I mean, being a black woman that loves comic books, I mean, we're like the unicorns of the fanboys.
Another point that I read about this one Was that even though she went through all these changes, It was still the question of, "Will Superman still love me if I'm black?" Like, it always comes back to that.
That's the full circle.
No matter what she does, it comes right back to, "Oh, will he still love me if I'm this, If I'm that, if I'm that?" And I'm like, "you don't get it.
This guy loves you.
" This is the thing that always bugged me the most About Lois Lane.
She pines over Superman.
But meanwhile Clark's standing right next to her As the perfect choice, man.
I never liked that aspect of her.
But, I mean, in her defense, I mean, Superman is super sexy.
Yeah, he's dreamy, but, like, you know This is getting super awkward.
So shall I ring you up? Is there any way I can get it a little bit cheaper? I'm thinking, like, $20? You know what, it's a little bit better than a $20 book.
How about $25? Meet in the middle? Maybe $22? I mean, this is your only chance To have this go home with a black woman.
How about, just so I can say I fought really hard, $23? For your manhood, for your pride, $23.
You have to admire his struggle.
His people, the comic book nerds.
Nice wallet.
- Thank you.
- Superman.
I told you I love him.
That's my guy.
He's like Igor.
He's just like - Man, you are awesome, mike.
- "Superman.
" - Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
How's the crowd looking? I'm going to go let them in.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one gets in until my special guest arrives.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Superman! Which DC universe character would you like to also see Put into a future Superman movie, And who plays that person? - Krypto.
- Krypto.
Superman's dog.
Now, does he have a cape as he does in the comic? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that give away his identity? No, they're like, "There's that idiot 40-year-old guy Walking his dog with a cape.
" No one really suspects.
- What about you Ming-a-ling? - I would love to see a Bizarro.
- Bizarro Superman.
- That would be good.
- Who plays him? - I don't know.
For whatever reason, the name Jon "Hahm.
" - Jon "Hahm"? - Jon "Hahm"? Yeah, you gotta ugly him up a little bit, - You know, Bizarro him.
- Why not just me? I already look like Bizarro.
Like, give me a chance.
Why does Jon Hamm get all the breaks? Or Jon "Hahm," as you say.
What about you, big? I think I would like to join Walt in his menagerie, So I'm gonna go with comet the horse.
Who's going to play the horse? Pick a horse, who cares? Yeah, but you know comic book fans, dude.
You pick the wrong horse, they get all mad like with Batfleck.
They're like, "boo!" Right, right.
It's Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in a horse costume Look at this place, man.
You really did it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, it looks incredible.
You did a wonderful job, But what does raggedy ann have to do with Superman? No, I'm Jimmy Olsen, Superman's best friend.
Everything from the from the neck up says raggedy ann.
Everything from the neck down says Jimmy Olsen, I mean This was the only wig I could find.
Look at Mike, huh? I mean, if there were a contest, he would probably win.
Bizarro, huh? Speak like Bizarro real quick.
Get him, Raggedy Olsen.
It's close enough, come on.
I am not looking for close enough.
I want perfection tonight.
A la Look at him.
For God's sakes, he's Jor-El.
Huh? Curt Swan Jor-El.
We're talking about the most important figure In Superman's life, The man who sent him to Earth To become the world's greatest superhero.
Yes.
Without me, Superman doesn't exist.
Oh, my God.
What are you supposed to be? Kryptonite.
What do you mean? Kryptonite is a rock, not a mushy pea.
Well, it is from my planet, you know? You look like frickin' raggedy ann.
- What are you talking about? - I told you.
I told you you looked like raggedy ann.
How's the crowd look out there? I don't know.
Ming? All right.
The crowd looks great.
I'm gonna go let them in.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one gets in until my special guest arrives.
I tasked myself with the hardest job of all of them.
My job was to secure a super guest.
Doesn't take a Brainiac to figure out Who that might be, man.
It's got to be one of the Supermans.
Let's do the math.
How many people have played Superman? Well, I mean, you got to leave out George Reeves, Christopher Reeve.
They've passed on.
Then you've got Henry Cavill, who's playing him now.
Brandon Routh, who was in Superman Returns.
Tom Welling, who played Superman in Smallville.
And then, I mean - Oh, really? - Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Superman! Dean Cain! Hi.
How are you? Look at this.
I like that hair.
- That's his natural hair color.
- Fantastic.
Are you able to shake my hand? I can.
I'm not in costume.
But if I didn't, Then the kryptonite would definitely get me.
Ahh, see? This I see this in the mirror every morning.
Well done.
Let's get inside and get this party started.
- Let's do.
- All right.
Hi, everybody.
How you guys doing? All right.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Really? It's the real deal.
Hey, guys.
Hold up a second.
Real quick.
Can I get everybody's attention? I just want to thank everybody for coming out And helping us celebrate Joining us here tonight to help celebrate is Mr.
Dean Cain.
I don't feel a day over 40-something.
Dean Cain.
Dean Cain was carrying the flag for Superman When nobody cared about superman anymore, Turned that into a number one show about Superman.
It was called Lois & clark: The New Adventures of Superman.
And he was great.
He was a really charming and bright-eyed Clark Kent, And he cut a dashing figure as Superman.
And if you summoned Superman, then you're Jimmy Olsen.
Not this guy.
I'm Jimmy, Jor-El, all wrapped in one.
Jimmy Jor-El, that's Walt's new rap name.
For me, it was the greatest start to a career ever, And I loved playing the role.
I think it's fun to be associated with the character.
That's why I'm here now, and that's it.
So thank you guys for being here.
Anybody have any questions? Because I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.
Way in the back.
Yeah, what's the what's the strangest gift You've ever gotten from a superman fan? I would get like it wasn't gifts, though.
It was like I got some things that were actually kind of scary.
I got, like, contemplations People like, you know, "You're the only one Who can talk to my son, Superman," and things like that.
So it was actually kind of scary.
Hey, my dad apologized for that.
Your dad did say he was sorry.
I got I got grocery lists.
"Would you please get us some groceries?" And "these are the ones.
" I apologize for that.
But then I made the comment I made the comment That, like, I hadn't gotten any panties sent in the mail.
And guess what I got in the mail.
Panties in the mail.
Yeah.
All you got to do is ask, right? Yeah, you got to ask, that's it.
- Anybody else? - Regarding Teri Hatcher Were they real, and were they spectacular? That's a very good question, sir.
Uh Happy birthday.
Huh? That's cool.
I did not expect this.
And it is oh! Outstanding.
Anybody else? Regarding Teri Hatcher Were they real, and were they spectacular? That's a very good question, sir.
Uh I'm going to answer that with one answer.
Yes.
Dean Cain! Yes, they were.
Anybody else? Like, when you're getting changed in the phone booth, How do you deal with the smell of hobo urine? Yes, that's where super senses are not so great.
- Yeah, right? - Fortunately, you know what? Even by the time we did that we were 1993 to 1997 There were almost no phone booths around.
And now, if I say something, like, to my son who's 13 If I say, "Hey, you know, he would change In a phone booth or something.
" He's like, "What's a phone booth? Why wouldn't you use a cell phone?" All right, well, if there's no more questions, We'd like to take this opportunity To present to you a gift.
All right.
We can't give Superman a birthday gift today, But we can give mr.
Dean Cain, who played Superman, A birthday gift, and that's what we'd like to do right now.
In honor of my 75th.
No.
Oh! There you go.
Happy birthday.
- Outstanding.
- Huh? That's cool.
I did not expect this.
That's kind of awesome.
Can I can I open it? - Yeah, open it up.
- Open it up.
So we present Mr.
Dean Cain With a present from the Stash.
He opens it up, and I got to admit Even he was stunned at what he got.
It is a card From Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, And it is A $100 gift certificate.
- No.
Really? - Yeah.
We were all stunned.
I'm sure he's like, "I'm never coming back.
" - Thank you.
- Who wants to have some cake? Cake! Mr.
Cain, would you do us the honor Of, like, cutting the first piece of cake? Cutting the cake.
Okay, I will cut the cake.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
All right.
That's a beautiful cake.
There's kryptonite on it.
I shall start cutting.
Here we go.
I asked Dean if he would do us the honors, And he went over there and just cut through that cake Almost like as if he had heat vision.
The honor was the 1st piece, The 5th piece, the 20th piece He wouldn't, like, give him a break.
- He made him cut the whole cake.
- Well, I felt, like, awkward Why aren't you doing it super fast? My pleasure.
Yes, sir, you got it.
There you go, brother.
I'll cut them as fast as I can.
I guess I'm going to cut all of them.
There it is.
Walt, do I just keep cutting? Keep going.
Keep cutting, Dean.
All right.
My thinking was you get served A piece of cake by Superman at a Superman party, You're going to take that to your freaking grave.
Yeah, that's true.
So everybody at that party, I wanted the privilege And the memory of being served cake by Superman.
I figure that's what I'll think about on my deathbed.
Dean freaking Cain is here, man.
Yeah, yeah.
In the history of the Stash, where does this rank In the all-time greatest days at the stash? Oh, it's got to be up at the top.
You know what, we owe it all to Superman.
- We do.
- Hell, yeah.
Happy birthday, Superman.
Happy birthday.
It's good to hear that a guy That wrapped himself up in the colors of Superman Still seems to live by the Superman code.
He's got time for everybody, He's shaking hands, he's answering questions.
I mean, the fact that he even came is pretty That's a pretty Superman thing to do.
You wear that cape, you have a standard to uphold, And I'm here to say that Dean Cain Is upholding that standard to the tenth degree.
Nice.
And just like a birthday present, That's gonna wrap it up for Comic Book Men.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, if someone asks if you're a God, You say yes.
Good night.
Tony Stark, he's an alcoholic.
Then you're talking about like Superhero Rehab, not Superhero in the House.
Allright, we're gonna like, like, females.
See their tension, the drama.
- Sexual tension? -Yes.
He's right about that.
The Stash has none of this drama or sexual tension.
That's what you think.
You haven't been keeping a close enough eye on those two.
Did you know they installed a hot tub Downstairs in the storage room? Who? Me and Mike? Yeah.
All right.
Well, you know, obviously, you've been thinking about this.
This is your great idea.
Who is the perfect female for this idea? Oh, I've got to pick them? Oh, man.
How about, like, Harley Quinn and Power Girl? Oh.
- All right, I like that.
- Do you like that? - I like that.
- You like that? Lot of drama there.
Lot of tension Trying to one-up each other, scantily clad outfits.
Look at him.
- Right.
- Like this is real.
He's about to fly off that stool, man.
I like this.
It looks like you're ready to go down in the basement And jump in that hot tub right now.
Power girl, I mean mike, come on.
Hello and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that believes that Clark could have saved Kevin Costner from that twister.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, now, all you guys are in the know, But only Walt knows everything.
What's going on this week? It took a customer coming in To spark a pretty good idea I had.
Hey.
What can we do for you today? Hi.
Yeah, I was looking for a gift for my dad.
He's a big Superman fan.
What are we looking for, we looking for Superman comics, Superman hardcover, Superman statue, action figure? Probably some kind of rare item, maybe like You want something on the rare side.
- On the rare side.
- All right.
Want to go grab that Clark Kent figure from the back? Yeah, the one in the glass, yeah.
Wait until you check this out.
May I, Ming? You ever see this? - The Chemtoys Clark Kent figure.
- No.
You can tell back then that toy companies Weren't concerned with the likeness.
Yeah.
It's almost like the president of Chemtoys was like "Good enough.
" You have to forgive Chemtoys Because it was in the birth of the action figure.
They hadn't gotten sculpting down right yet.
It was the infancy of figures, and thank God It came on a blister card with a picture Of what Superman really looks like, Or else you wouldn't know what Yeah, like, what is this? That's that? Okay.
How old's dad going to be this year? My dad is going to be 75, and the cool thing is It's also Superman's 75th birthday.
Oh, my God, that's right.
So that's pretty cool.
Your dad and Superman, born the same year.
Same year.
Dude, you're looking at Superbaby right here.
Look at that.
This is definitely the gift.
Definitely interested.
Are you stuck on $150? Why, what are you looking to spend? I'm looking to spend about $50.
$50? Wow.
They call that a super insult.
I can see where you're going.
I can see what kind of price range we're looking at.
I can see where dad stands.
You're looking for, like, a super button for a dollar, It seems like.
He would appreciate the button, but you know, It is his 75th birthday, so I really Want to get him something special.
Would you be willing to do $80? $80.
Oh.
No, there's not a chance, man.
The dead lowest price I could let this go for Is a buck and a quarter.
And I'll throw the pin in too.
I'll do it.
- You'll do it? All right, man.
- Yeah, thanks.
All right, man, $5 is your change.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, wish your dad a happy birthday from us at the Stash.
I will.
Thank you very much.
A pleasure doing business with you.
- Thank you.
- He'll love it.
See you later.
Wow, you know what? I almost forgot it was Superman's birthday.
That guy's got me thinking, though.
I know we've had birthday parties here in the past That didn't go so well.
Ahh! What if this time we did it right, though? - And we didn't invite kids.
- Okay.
And we have this, like, super extravaganza.
You know? Like, we make it, like, we build it up, we invite our customers, Maybe we even get some local media press, You know, we get it in the paper, you know.
A party for superman on his 75th birthday.
I think we should I think we should even go all out Like us at the Stash go all out And dress in Superman costumes.
So, like, all of us will be wearing tights and capes? Not superman costumes.
Because we're not just celebrating Superman's birthday, We're celebrating Superman history.
And that history includes all those other characters That make up Superman's universe.
Costumes, decorations, party food.
A hundred middle-aged men crammed in here, Dressed in tights.
Yeah.
Sounds like a good time.
All right, so, okay, I'm gonna put you on the decorations.
Okay, I'm good at decorations.
- Mike, you know food.
- Food.
You're the chef.
I want you to make us some super hors d'oeuvres.
Whew, that is fancy.
Wow, you even pronounced it right.
Very impressive.
That was impressive.
I'm gonna try to maybe secure A super guest.
I want to have somebody in here that will blow you all away, - That will blow your doors off.
- I am in.
I'm always up for a party.
All right, let's do this, man.
For Superman.
For Superman.
I called about the Lois Lane comic book.
Yes! Yes.
- Ooh.
- We put it aside for you.
I'm so excited.
I mean, this is your only chance To have this go home with a black woman.
All right, you know I brought you guys here today To get the current status of the Superman birthday party.
Where are we at? I got the invitations printed up.
Check them out right here.
Wow.
Looks good, right? Look at this paper, man.
This is absolutely, definitely high end.
Great job.
All right, so, Mike, what about you? I got I'm working on the hors d'oeuvres.
I've got the cake ordered, and I've got The perfect super punch for this thing.
And, bryan, you have done what? I haven't eaten in the last For all the hors d'oeuvres.
What about you? What about this secret celebrity guest That you said you were getting? - It's coming.
- Really? It's coming.
It's me.
I mean, that's what I expect.
Where did you get a celebrity guest? It sounds like you're It sounds a hint of doubt in that voice.
Yeah, I mean, a little bit.
I mean, like I mean, you're not entrenched with all these These celebrity things.
I'm telling you, I got a guest, And it's going to be super, and you're going to crap yourself.
Again.
It's going to be awesome.
Super party of the season.
That's what I want to hear, baby.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you? I called about the Lois Lane comic book.
Yes! Yes.
- Ooh.
- We put it aside for you.
I'm so excited.
Lois Lane106.
Lois lane turns into a black woman.
I'm a huge Superman fan, and so when I read about this one, I had to get my hands on it.
So Lois Lane switches from white to black in this issue.
Yes.
Superman just happens to have this kryptonian machine, Which can turn her from white to black.
It was called a plastimold.
We have them on Earth.
They're called tanning booths.
Yeah.
Lois Lane, one of the world's greatest journalists, Was going to see what it was like To be a black woman for 24 hours.
It was intended to be thought-provoking.
But when you look at it now, you're like But think about it, though.
Let's say that machine really existed.
Wouldn't it be great, you know, if we were forced by Superman To spend 24 hours in somebody else's skin? I think it would bring all the ethnicities together Because we'd all be like, "We got to stop this Superman Who keeps forcing us into this machine like we're sneetches.
" But it's awesome.
I mean, being a black woman that loves comic books, I mean, we're like the unicorns of the fanboys.
Another point that I read about this one Was that even though she went through all these changes, It was still the question of, "Will Superman still love me if I'm black?" Like, it always comes back to that.
That's the full circle.
No matter what she does, it comes right back to, "Oh, will he still love me if I'm this, If I'm that, if I'm that?" And I'm like, "you don't get it.
This guy loves you.
" This is the thing that always bugged me the most About Lois Lane.
She pines over Superman.
But meanwhile Clark's standing right next to her As the perfect choice, man.
I never liked that aspect of her.
But, I mean, in her defense, I mean, Superman is super sexy.
Yeah, he's dreamy, but, like, you know This is getting super awkward.
So shall I ring you up? Is there any way I can get it a little bit cheaper? I'm thinking, like, $20? You know what, it's a little bit better than a $20 book.
How about $25? Meet in the middle? Maybe $22? I mean, this is your only chance To have this go home with a black woman.
How about, just so I can say I fought really hard, $23? For your manhood, for your pride, $23.
You have to admire his struggle.
His people, the comic book nerds.
Nice wallet.
- Thank you.
- Superman.
I told you I love him.
That's my guy.
He's like Igor.
He's just like - Man, you are awesome, mike.
- "Superman.
" - Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
How's the crowd looking? I'm going to go let them in.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one gets in until my special guest arrives.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Superman! Which DC universe character would you like to also see Put into a future Superman movie, And who plays that person? - Krypto.
- Krypto.
Superman's dog.
Now, does he have a cape as he does in the comic? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that give away his identity? No, they're like, "There's that idiot 40-year-old guy Walking his dog with a cape.
" No one really suspects.
- What about you Ming-a-ling? - I would love to see a Bizarro.
- Bizarro Superman.
- That would be good.
- Who plays him? - I don't know.
For whatever reason, the name Jon "Hahm.
" - Jon "Hahm"? - Jon "Hahm"? Yeah, you gotta ugly him up a little bit, - You know, Bizarro him.
- Why not just me? I already look like Bizarro.
Like, give me a chance.
Why does Jon Hamm get all the breaks? Or Jon "Hahm," as you say.
What about you, big? I think I would like to join Walt in his menagerie, So I'm gonna go with comet the horse.
Who's going to play the horse? Pick a horse, who cares? Yeah, but you know comic book fans, dude.
You pick the wrong horse, they get all mad like with Batfleck.
They're like, "boo!" Right, right.
It's Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in a horse costume Look at this place, man.
You really did it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, it looks incredible.
You did a wonderful job, But what does raggedy ann have to do with Superman? No, I'm Jimmy Olsen, Superman's best friend.
Everything from the from the neck up says raggedy ann.
Everything from the neck down says Jimmy Olsen, I mean This was the only wig I could find.
Look at Mike, huh? I mean, if there were a contest, he would probably win.
Bizarro, huh? Speak like Bizarro real quick.
Get him, Raggedy Olsen.
It's close enough, come on.
I am not looking for close enough.
I want perfection tonight.
A la Look at him.
For God's sakes, he's Jor-El.
Huh? Curt Swan Jor-El.
We're talking about the most important figure In Superman's life, The man who sent him to Earth To become the world's greatest superhero.
Yes.
Without me, Superman doesn't exist.
Oh, my God.
What are you supposed to be? Kryptonite.
What do you mean? Kryptonite is a rock, not a mushy pea.
Well, it is from my planet, you know? You look like frickin' raggedy ann.
- What are you talking about? - I told you.
I told you you looked like raggedy ann.
How's the crowd look out there? I don't know.
Ming? All right.
The crowd looks great.
I'm gonna go let them in.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one gets in until my special guest arrives.
I tasked myself with the hardest job of all of them.
My job was to secure a super guest.
Doesn't take a Brainiac to figure out Who that might be, man.
It's got to be one of the Supermans.
Let's do the math.
How many people have played Superman? Well, I mean, you got to leave out George Reeves, Christopher Reeve.
They've passed on.
Then you've got Henry Cavill, who's playing him now.
Brandon Routh, who was in Superman Returns.
Tom Welling, who played Superman in Smallville.
And then, I mean - Oh, really? - Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Superman! Dean Cain! Hi.
How are you? Look at this.
I like that hair.
- That's his natural hair color.
- Fantastic.
Are you able to shake my hand? I can.
I'm not in costume.
But if I didn't, Then the kryptonite would definitely get me.
Ahh, see? This I see this in the mirror every morning.
Well done.
Let's get inside and get this party started.
- Let's do.
- All right.
Hi, everybody.
How you guys doing? All right.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Really? It's the real deal.
Hey, guys.
Hold up a second.
Real quick.
Can I get everybody's attention? I just want to thank everybody for coming out And helping us celebrate Joining us here tonight to help celebrate is Mr.
Dean Cain.
I don't feel a day over 40-something.
Dean Cain.
Dean Cain was carrying the flag for Superman When nobody cared about superman anymore, Turned that into a number one show about Superman.
It was called Lois & clark: The New Adventures of Superman.
And he was great.
He was a really charming and bright-eyed Clark Kent, And he cut a dashing figure as Superman.
And if you summoned Superman, then you're Jimmy Olsen.
Not this guy.
I'm Jimmy, Jor-El, all wrapped in one.
Jimmy Jor-El, that's Walt's new rap name.
For me, it was the greatest start to a career ever, And I loved playing the role.
I think it's fun to be associated with the character.
That's why I'm here now, and that's it.
So thank you guys for being here.
Anybody have any questions? Because I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.
Way in the back.
Yeah, what's the what's the strangest gift You've ever gotten from a superman fan? I would get like it wasn't gifts, though.
It was like I got some things that were actually kind of scary.
I got, like, contemplations People like, you know, "You're the only one Who can talk to my son, Superman," and things like that.
So it was actually kind of scary.
Hey, my dad apologized for that.
Your dad did say he was sorry.
I got I got grocery lists.
"Would you please get us some groceries?" And "these are the ones.
" I apologize for that.
But then I made the comment I made the comment That, like, I hadn't gotten any panties sent in the mail.
And guess what I got in the mail.
Panties in the mail.
Yeah.
All you got to do is ask, right? Yeah, you got to ask, that's it.
- Anybody else? - Regarding Teri Hatcher Were they real, and were they spectacular? That's a very good question, sir.
Uh Happy birthday.
Huh? That's cool.
I did not expect this.
And it is oh! Outstanding.
Anybody else? Regarding Teri Hatcher Were they real, and were they spectacular? That's a very good question, sir.
Uh I'm going to answer that with one answer.
Yes.
Dean Cain! Yes, they were.
Anybody else? Like, when you're getting changed in the phone booth, How do you deal with the smell of hobo urine? Yes, that's where super senses are not so great.
- Yeah, right? - Fortunately, you know what? Even by the time we did that we were 1993 to 1997 There were almost no phone booths around.
And now, if I say something, like, to my son who's 13 If I say, "Hey, you know, he would change In a phone booth or something.
" He's like, "What's a phone booth? Why wouldn't you use a cell phone?" All right, well, if there's no more questions, We'd like to take this opportunity To present to you a gift.
All right.
We can't give Superman a birthday gift today, But we can give mr.
Dean Cain, who played Superman, A birthday gift, and that's what we'd like to do right now.
In honor of my 75th.
No.
Oh! There you go.
Happy birthday.
- Outstanding.
- Huh? That's cool.
I did not expect this.
That's kind of awesome.
Can I can I open it? - Yeah, open it up.
- Open it up.
So we present Mr.
Dean Cain With a present from the Stash.
He opens it up, and I got to admit Even he was stunned at what he got.
It is a card From Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, And it is A $100 gift certificate.
- No.
Really? - Yeah.
We were all stunned.
I'm sure he's like, "I'm never coming back.
" - Thank you.
- Who wants to have some cake? Cake! Mr.
Cain, would you do us the honor Of, like, cutting the first piece of cake? Cutting the cake.
Okay, I will cut the cake.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
All right.
That's a beautiful cake.
There's kryptonite on it.
I shall start cutting.
Here we go.
I asked Dean if he would do us the honors, And he went over there and just cut through that cake Almost like as if he had heat vision.
The honor was the 1st piece, The 5th piece, the 20th piece He wouldn't, like, give him a break.
- He made him cut the whole cake.
- Well, I felt, like, awkward Why aren't you doing it super fast? My pleasure.
Yes, sir, you got it.
There you go, brother.
I'll cut them as fast as I can.
I guess I'm going to cut all of them.
There it is.
Walt, do I just keep cutting? Keep going.
Keep cutting, Dean.
All right.
My thinking was you get served A piece of cake by Superman at a Superman party, You're going to take that to your freaking grave.
Yeah, that's true.
So everybody at that party, I wanted the privilege And the memory of being served cake by Superman.
I figure that's what I'll think about on my deathbed.
Dean freaking Cain is here, man.
Yeah, yeah.
In the history of the Stash, where does this rank In the all-time greatest days at the stash? Oh, it's got to be up at the top.
You know what, we owe it all to Superman.
- We do.
- Hell, yeah.
Happy birthday, Superman.
Happy birthday.
It's good to hear that a guy That wrapped himself up in the colors of Superman Still seems to live by the Superman code.
He's got time for everybody, He's shaking hands, he's answering questions.
I mean, the fact that he even came is pretty That's a pretty Superman thing to do.
You wear that cape, you have a standard to uphold, And I'm here to say that Dean Cain Is upholding that standard to the tenth degree.
Nice.
And just like a birthday present, That's gonna wrap it up for Comic Book Men.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, if someone asks if you're a God, You say yes.
Good night.