Comic Book Men s07e10 Episode Script
Troma-tized
1 [ Upbeat music.]
Flanagan: If the Secret Stash was gonna be made into a feature film, which actor, dead or alive, would you want to play you? I'm goin' Errol Flynn.
What, are you Robin Hood? - Why Errol Flynn? - Chen: Yeah.
I mean, come one, man.
He was the man back in the day.
Imagine, Errol Flynn jumps up on the counter as me, you know, he negotiates for a comic book, he's got his tights on and his staff shirt, you know, and makin' it sexy and exciting, you know.
Maybe even do a backflip or somethin'.
Chen: Yeah, like, you're negotiating, there are flaming arrows, like, goin' past you, like, yeah.
- Yeah, now you're talkin'.
- Yeah.
You got a better one, Ming? Let's flip it around a little bit.
Let's go with Scarlett Johansson.
So, Ming Chen now becomes a female - in the-in the motion picture? - Chen: Sure.
They're doin' it all the time now, right? And people love that, man.
Let's see if she can act like me.
Let's see how-how good of an actor she is.
Didn't she play a robot in a movie already? - Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah, right? Yeah, I think she can do it.
[Laughter.]
What do you got? Uh, I'm gonna go Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds.
Fine.
Dom DeLuise.
[Laughter.]
[ Dramatic music.]
[Roar.]
- Help! - Help! Help! [Mechanical whirring.]
[ Funky music.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men", the only show that followed the Groovie Goolies on every show on their tour, man.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
What's hot, what's not at the Stash this week? Go.
Do you remember the Man, or should I say Puppet of a Thousand Faces? [ Funky music.]
Hey, how are ya? Good.
Had a quick question.
A little thing over there caught my eye.
A little creepy doll? I think named Hugo? - Yeah.
Puppet, my friend.
- Oh.
- Not a doll.
- Sorry.
- It's a puppet.
- Sorry.
He's the Man of a Thousand Faces and he's awesome.
- Ming, go grab Hugo.
- I'll go grab it.
- Awesome.
- One of the all-time greatest '70s toys.
I remember getting it as a Christmas gift from Santa.
Oh, you were a lucky boy.
- Um - Was he? [Laughter.]
- Check it out.
- Here you go.
In the original box.
Buyer: Wow.
So creepy.
I love it.
Now, the concept of Hugo was pretty simple.
Hugo came with a whole bunch of different pieces.
Uh, so there was the puppet - Buyer: Oh, my God.
- Flanagan: Gorgeous, right? It looks like Mini-Me in a blouse.
[Laughter.]
Then you would have various, uh, pieces of prosthetics - Zapcic: Right.
- Buyer: Yeah.
Flanagan: that you could glue on with a glue stick.
It was for kids who maybe thought, one day, they would work in makeup effects.
Or maybe the spy game.
You got eyebrows, glasses, you got Look, you can change that.
You know, give him give him the scary face.
So, he's supposed to be a spy with that face on? [Laughter.]
You got your eyepatch I mean, this was fuel for hours and hours of imagination.
And fuel for nightmares.
- Buyer: Yeah.
- How so? Zapcic: This thing coming to life in the middle of the night? That would freak me out.
You know what, yeah, I never saw it as creepy.
I just saw it as, like, you know, a A friend? A million different friends! [Laughter.]
Because you-you-you could change your friend every night! They don't make stuff like this today.
With good reason.
[Laughter.]
Not a night goes by where I don't dream of the Hugo puppet doll.
He looked like the best friend my parents would not buy for me.
[Laughter.]
It's creepy, and that's why I like it.
Flanagan: Who's creepier, though? If you were to put a mustache and a scar Buyer: I don't know, now he looks like he needs to be workin' for Nintendo.
[Laughter.]
It's like a creepy Mr.
Potato Head.
Is he for sale? Flanagan: I don't know, man.
It's been here so long.
I love to see it every day I walk in.
It's almost like losin' a real friend, though, if I sell it, though.
- All right.
- It'll be-it'll be in a good home, for sure.
- Chen: Yeah.
- How much are you lookin' for? Hugo, $200.
Could you do $100? There is not a chance I'm letting Hugo go for $100.
- I mean, I can come down a little bit, but - Buyer: Right.
What could you do for me? $175.
That's still just a little out of my price range, though.
Come on, man.
You're talking about Hugo! [ Mischievous music.]
What's that? Maybe $150? Flanagan: 150 bucks? Buyer: But I mean, it was Hugo handin' it to you, even.
So it's like, he was like, "Walt, here's" I'm not delusional.
I know it's a puppet.
[Laughter.]
- Just making sure.
Just making sure.
- I'm talkin' all those stories I told when I was five years old.
So, what do you say? $150? Flanagan: Do you promise that you'll treat him right - and you'll-you'll - Yeah.
put different faces on him every night? Yeah.
All right, deal.
150 bucks.
- Buyer: Okay, perfect.
- He's yours.
I appreciate that.
Pack him up.
- Oh, be careful with that stuff, man.
- Chen: Okay, Okay.
Johnson: It doesn't belong to us anymore.
[Laughter.]
Chen: Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Bye, Walt.
I'll see you again one day.
I'll see you again one day, Hugo.
That weird? That's a little weird.
[Laughter.]
All right, there you go, man.
All right.
Enjoy it, enjoy it.
- All right.
- Thank you.
I will.
- Have a good day.
- See you later.
Buyer: You too.
The Troma scream is very sophisticated.
[Screaming.]
Hey, we got a visit from, uh, the mayor of Tromaville the other day.
Our old friend Lloyd Kaufman stopped in.
- Really? - Really! All of a sudden, through the front door of the Stash, comes this conga line, led by the most energetic senior citizen - I have ever seen in my life.
- Smith: Yeah.
Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Kaufman: Wooh! Yeah! We're here! Wow! Thank you every Oh, man.
Not easy goin' across the bridge doin' that.
You know, uh.
Chen: How you doin', Lloyd? Ming, what we've been through when we were in prison together, you taught me a lot.
Flanagan: He had to do what he had to do to survive.
I-I love it.
Never a dull moment with you, Lloyd.
No.
No, no.
[Giggling.]
I love Lloyd Kaufman, man.
Lloyd Kaufman, king of New Jersey cinema.
This guy was doin' indie film long before I knew what indie film was, and is still doin' it to this day.
I remember, uh, I had just gotten cable, and, uh, there was a movie on called "The Toxic Avenger.
" I'd never seen a movie like that before.
With basically no budget, they were able to take you into another universe that you kind of recognized.
Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey.
That's right.
- [Shotgun pump.]
- [Growling.]
- [Click.]
- [Growls.]
- [Click.]
- [Growls.]
- [Click.]
- Fire! - [Gunshots.]
- [Men shouting.]
[Growls.]
Lloyd Kaufman gave birth to something imaginative.
As goofy, as ridiculous, but it is an adventure.
So, with that in mind, for years, every time I've seen him, I'm like, "Lloyd, put us in a movie.
I wanna be in one of your movies.
Come on, come on, Lloyd.
" "Lloyd, you're a legend.
Give me work.
" Johnson: He's like, "I don't want to.
" - [Laughter.]
- Until now.
Thank you for coming all the way here.
I know you're a long way from Tromaville, but I-I-I wanna thank you for giving us a shot.
I know, every time we see you, we hound you.
"Lloyd, put us in one of your movies.
Please put us in one of your movies.
" Today, one of you is gonna get a part in Troma's new movie.
We're goin' back to Shakespeare.
"The Tempest.
" It's gonna be Shakespeare's "Tempest" slash Troma's [Bleep.]
storm, and one of you will be plucked from obscurity.
Can I ask you a quick question before we start, though? - "Toxic Avenger.
" - Yes.
Flanagan: The first superhero from New Jersey.
Why did you pick New Jersey? All of the Troma movies deal with the underdog.
Toxie's the underdog, right? He's bullied.
He was originally little Melvin, and bullied, and through a work of fate, and some chemical waste, he became Toxie.
- [Toxic Avenger growling.]
- [Woman screaming.]
Kaufman: And New Jersey is living in the shadow of this big, arrogant Manhattan, so, naturally, Tromaville is gonna be in New Jersey.
That's the underdog.
Lloyd, if you're looking for-for an underdog who gets bullied all the time, I'm your man.
You'll be my underbitch.
[Laughter.]
The first thing that Lloyd asked us to do was give him our best scream, 'cause in a Troma film, there's a lot of screaming goin' on, apparently.
- No doubt.
- Flanagan: And, uh, so - Shootin' screams is cheap.
- [Laughter.]
Smith: It's the best special effect in the world.
Just, "Aah!" It's not easy, either.
I-I don't think, up to that point, I had ever screamed in my life.
Unless it was, like, at my girlfriend, - my kid, my parents.
- [Laughter.]
The Troma scream is very sophisticated.
Under-underplayed, I'll give you a little sample.
Ready? [Screaming.]
- [Applause.]
- Kaufman: Thank you, thank you.
Ready.
Standing by.
And, action.
- [ Silly music.]
- [Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screams.]
[Screams.]
[Screaming.]
[Shrieks.]
[Screams.]
[Gasps.]
[Screams.]
Kaufman: Cut.
Bravo, me gusto, bravo, bravo! Kaufman: Toxie, very impressed.
- Thank you, Lloyd.
- Toxi-rific! Kaufman: Yeah, very good, Bryan! - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Next! I've got somethin' I think all of you might enjoy.
[ Hard rock music.]
Oh, that's brilliant.
- Action! - I love you.
- Chen: Wanna dance? - Hell, yeah.
- Flanagan: How you doin'? - Seller: Hey, how you doin'? - How you guys doin'? - What's goin' on? I got somethin' I think all of you might enjoy.
It's a General Mills - Franken Berry, Count Chocula cell, 1981.
- Flanagan: Oh, my God.
That's brilliant.
Is there anything cooler than a vampire and a patchwork man sleeping in the same room together, probably watchin', uh, "The Midnight Show"? I mean, nothing leaps to mind.
[Laughter.]
Chen: You had to have loved these two.
Flanagan: Without a doubt, every time I was watching the cartoons, and you-and a commercial for one of these cereals came on with a brand new toy that was at the bottom of the cereal box - Oh, yeah.
- that you had to have.
You remember that? - Unfortunately, I never got to eat this as a kid.
- How come? - My parents just didn't buy these types of cereals.
- Oh.
- What? You have, like, bran cereal? - Somethin' healthy? Yeah, like, Wheaties? - Grape Nuts.
- Oh! Flanagan: I don't recall any toys in Grape Nuts.
I think they came with a roll of toilet paper - at the bottom of the box.
- Chen: Yeah.
That's about it.
Yeah, your-your toy was regularity.
[Laughter.]
Yeah.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
I mean yeah.
- Breakfast cereals - Oh.
how important were they in your life? Look, breakfast cereals built this body.
[Laughter.]
We rooted for the Trix rabbit, we loved Lucky Charms, Sonny the Cocoa Puff bird.
What a cry for help.
He just was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Those characters, they meant the world to me when I was a kid.
Flanagan: What do you think about if the monsters were to come back, you know, no chintzy animation, now they're, like, done "Toy Story" style.
- Pixar style? - Yeah.
- Gorgeous animation - Think it would sell where it's like, "That's what they would look like in the real world.
" How much cereal would they sell? 'Bout the same.
[Laughter.]
Flanagan: Where'd you get this? Seller: I work for an animation studio.
Through other artists, I've met a couple people who sell this artwork, specifically the monsters.
Even though I didn't get to eat that stuff, the commercials, I remember.
So you took down your Grape Nuts poster and put this up? - Exactly.
- Johnson: Nice.
Flanagan: Well, I gotta tell ya, it's an awesome piece, man, - and I think it'd look cool in the Stash, right? - Oh, yeah.
You know? We can get a frame, put it up.
We can see what kind of interest it has.
What're you lookin' to get for it? I'm lookin' for $275.
Hmm.
How 'bout $160? Two? I could do $175, but that'd probably be where I'd have to draw the line.
- All right.
- $175? - I'll do $175.
- Flanagan: Deal.
[ Rock music.]
- All right, there you go.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- All right guys, thanks.
- Take it easy, man.
- Have a good day.
[ Funky music.]
Kaufman: Okay, gentlemen, now, your first scene from "The Tempest" slash Troma [Bleep.]
storm, Miranda, Frances, star-crossed lovers, bump into each other, strippers are grinding, there's prostitutes, there's huge orgiastic things goin' on.
Anyway, let's, uh, let's do the star-crossed lovers scene.
- Uh, you ready? - Absolutely.
So then, it was time for the acting portion of the audition, and, uh, Lloyd paired us off, and we had to act as if we were two women in a nightclub, and, you know, we were-we were, like, turned on immediately when we saw each other.
Smith: They say the greatest acting challenge an actor can face is when a man plays a lesbian.
[Laughter.]
And Action! What is this hellish place? [ Electronic dance music.]
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
Watch where you're going, you dunce! Zapcic: You can do what you want.
You don't owe me anything.
You've gotta understand.
I have an addiction.
An addiction to sex.
Flanagan: Oh, brave new world that has such people in it.
Kaufman: Cut! I think it has to be more hostility first, and then, boing, love.
I wanna make love to you, but not because of my addiction.
I wanna make love to you because I love you.
Wanna dance? [ Dramatic music.]
Hell, yeah.
[ Electronic dance music.]
[Group chanting.]
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! [Chanting indistinctly.]
[Music ends.]
Cut! - Cut.
- I felt that one.
- [Laughter.]
- I felt that one.
Kabukiman felt it! I did feel that one.
[Applause.]
You went for it.
You were a little aggressive, though, I thought.
You were a little That's what I thought Lloyd was lookin' for.
You know, take charge.
Chen: It was good, I mean, for a guy who barely says hi to me when I come in every morning.
[Laughter.]
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
But, you know, Walt, I-I-I I just don't think you're you're Miranda.
Walt, I'm very sorry.
You're out.
You know, maybe work with each other a little bit and come back.
I can see, unfortunately, Bryan, that, uh, you are not an actor.
All right, fine, man.
I'm keepin' the wig, though.
I think it's come down to you and Ming, uh, it's gonna be the finals.
You got the balls for it? - I do.
- Eh, heh heh heh.
- Mmh.
- Don't step over the line.
All right.
In those cups are the secret ingredients for the world-famous Troma nuclear meltdown.
[All shouting indistinctly.]
Kaufman: Okay, Mike and Ming, this is secret.
I've asked for a closed set because these are Troma's secrets, developed over our 44 years.
The big studios spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on computer graphics.
We have devised a full head-crush scene made famous in the original "Toxic Avenger" 30 years ago.
We take a simple cantaloupe, we paint a very realistic face on the cantaloupe for a full head-crushing scene.
Okay, this is gonna be action.
This is not the Toxic Avenger.
Toxie, who are you? I am one of Prospero's evil mutants, a half-shark, alligator, half-chicken.
- Okay, standing by.
- Gotcha.
And, action.
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Zapcic screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Growling.]
Don't kill me! Aah! Go ahead! C'mon, bring it! Bring it! [ Dramatic music.]
[Crushing.]
[Mutant growling.]
Flanagan: Have any of you guys ever had any thoughts about, you know, having any a romantic relationship with any sci-fi, pop culture character? I'm gonna go Barbarella.
Like, remember that opening scene where she's, like, floating around in space, like, half naked? - Johnson: That's a good choice.
- Chen: Like, that's, like But that's literally just a pretty woman, though.
I'm talkin' about something along the E.
T.
lines.
Something that makes you go, like, - "Should I be feelin' this way?" - E.
T.
? Like, I don't know if this alien's male or female, and I don't care! - [Laughter.]
- Yeah! You're just trying to get me to admit to something, like, all, like, weird and messed up.
No! If I tell you mine, would you tell me yours? All right, I wanna hear it.
Flanagan: I remember a dude that was at Jabba's palace, that let them in, he had that thing that came around his head.
- Bib Fortuna? - Bib Fortuna.
- Flanagan: Bib Fortuna.
- Chen: Okay.
Flanagan: Something was oddly attractive to me with that thing that wrapped around his head.
- What? - It just I don't know.
- Chen: Bib Fortuna?! - It was sexy.
Come on, I've admitted to you.
You must have one, too.
You know one of those face-suckers from "Alien"? - A facehugger? - Yeah.
There's one scene where it, like, kind of hugged the glass, and you can see kind of the outline of, like, where it laid the eggs, and you know what that you know what that was supposed to be.
- [Laughter.]
- Hook up with an alien? What are you trying to say? The same thing he's tryin' to say! Is that why you have that glass table in your living room? [Laughter.]
[ Funky music.]
Kaufman: Okay, gentlemen, you've made it to the finals.
You each have two cups.
In those cups are the secret ingredients for the world-famous Troma nuclear meltdown.
[Screaming.]
[Gurgling.]
Kaufman: This will determine who gets the part in Shakespeare's "Tempest", slash Troma's [Bleep.]
storm.
Okay, ready, gentlemen? - And, action! - [ Hard rock music.]
That's it, that's it.
Now, don't-don't breathe it in! That's it.
Put it in the mouth, carefully, careful.
Drop the cups, drop the cups.
That it, keep your heads up.
Chin up, chin up! Very good, Ming, Ming.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, let it work, let it work! Oh, my God! Oh, no! Oh! [Indistinct shouting.]
Oh! [All shouting in disgust.]
It's so beautiful! [Indistinct shouting.]
They were all in, and the nuclear meltdown was in every orifice on their face, at least.
- Face, neck and chest, just up and down.
- Yeah, it was nuts.
Troma-rific! Toxi-rific! Come on, team, come on.
Let's-let's-let's huddle here.
Who-who-who-who should get this thing? Okay, okay.
All right.
Nice, thank you so much.
Thank you.
All right, so, I think we have come up with the winner.
Um, I think we should have Dolphin Man, uh, announce the winner.
[Imitating dolphin noises.]
Dolphin Man.
Hey, Ming! Yay! Oh, man! Wow, wow, Ming - incredible.
- Congratulations! You deserve it.
You were the best by far.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lloyd.
I'll give you my best.
Can't wait to be workin' with you on set.
But I wanna thank you for comin' to the Stash today and providing us with a fan-toxic day.
Wow, what a great great day it's been.
Uh, we've done some great auditions.
Ming, lead the lead the conga line! Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Oh man, looks like we gotta take the last train to Tromaville, and get outta here, folks.
For "Comic Book Men" I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Not everything in life that is Troma-tic is bad.
Goodnight, kids.
Flanagan: If the Secret Stash was gonna be made into a feature film, which actor, dead or alive, would you want to play you? I'm goin' Errol Flynn.
What, are you Robin Hood? - Why Errol Flynn? - Chen: Yeah.
I mean, come one, man.
He was the man back in the day.
Imagine, Errol Flynn jumps up on the counter as me, you know, he negotiates for a comic book, he's got his tights on and his staff shirt, you know, and makin' it sexy and exciting, you know.
Maybe even do a backflip or somethin'.
Chen: Yeah, like, you're negotiating, there are flaming arrows, like, goin' past you, like, yeah.
- Yeah, now you're talkin'.
- Yeah.
You got a better one, Ming? Let's flip it around a little bit.
Let's go with Scarlett Johansson.
So, Ming Chen now becomes a female - in the-in the motion picture? - Chen: Sure.
They're doin' it all the time now, right? And people love that, man.
Let's see if she can act like me.
Let's see how-how good of an actor she is.
Didn't she play a robot in a movie already? - Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah, right? Yeah, I think she can do it.
[Laughter.]
What do you got? Uh, I'm gonna go Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds.
Fine.
Dom DeLuise.
[Laughter.]
[ Dramatic music.]
[Roar.]
- Help! - Help! Help! [Mechanical whirring.]
[ Funky music.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men", the only show that followed the Groovie Goolies on every show on their tour, man.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
What's hot, what's not at the Stash this week? Go.
Do you remember the Man, or should I say Puppet of a Thousand Faces? [ Funky music.]
Hey, how are ya? Good.
Had a quick question.
A little thing over there caught my eye.
A little creepy doll? I think named Hugo? - Yeah.
Puppet, my friend.
- Oh.
- Not a doll.
- Sorry.
- It's a puppet.
- Sorry.
He's the Man of a Thousand Faces and he's awesome.
- Ming, go grab Hugo.
- I'll go grab it.
- Awesome.
- One of the all-time greatest '70s toys.
I remember getting it as a Christmas gift from Santa.
Oh, you were a lucky boy.
- Um - Was he? [Laughter.]
- Check it out.
- Here you go.
In the original box.
Buyer: Wow.
So creepy.
I love it.
Now, the concept of Hugo was pretty simple.
Hugo came with a whole bunch of different pieces.
Uh, so there was the puppet - Buyer: Oh, my God.
- Flanagan: Gorgeous, right? It looks like Mini-Me in a blouse.
[Laughter.]
Then you would have various, uh, pieces of prosthetics - Zapcic: Right.
- Buyer: Yeah.
Flanagan: that you could glue on with a glue stick.
It was for kids who maybe thought, one day, they would work in makeup effects.
Or maybe the spy game.
You got eyebrows, glasses, you got Look, you can change that.
You know, give him give him the scary face.
So, he's supposed to be a spy with that face on? [Laughter.]
You got your eyepatch I mean, this was fuel for hours and hours of imagination.
And fuel for nightmares.
- Buyer: Yeah.
- How so? Zapcic: This thing coming to life in the middle of the night? That would freak me out.
You know what, yeah, I never saw it as creepy.
I just saw it as, like, you know, a A friend? A million different friends! [Laughter.]
Because you-you-you could change your friend every night! They don't make stuff like this today.
With good reason.
[Laughter.]
Not a night goes by where I don't dream of the Hugo puppet doll.
He looked like the best friend my parents would not buy for me.
[Laughter.]
It's creepy, and that's why I like it.
Flanagan: Who's creepier, though? If you were to put a mustache and a scar Buyer: I don't know, now he looks like he needs to be workin' for Nintendo.
[Laughter.]
It's like a creepy Mr.
Potato Head.
Is he for sale? Flanagan: I don't know, man.
It's been here so long.
I love to see it every day I walk in.
It's almost like losin' a real friend, though, if I sell it, though.
- All right.
- It'll be-it'll be in a good home, for sure.
- Chen: Yeah.
- How much are you lookin' for? Hugo, $200.
Could you do $100? There is not a chance I'm letting Hugo go for $100.
- I mean, I can come down a little bit, but - Buyer: Right.
What could you do for me? $175.
That's still just a little out of my price range, though.
Come on, man.
You're talking about Hugo! [ Mischievous music.]
What's that? Maybe $150? Flanagan: 150 bucks? Buyer: But I mean, it was Hugo handin' it to you, even.
So it's like, he was like, "Walt, here's" I'm not delusional.
I know it's a puppet.
[Laughter.]
- Just making sure.
Just making sure.
- I'm talkin' all those stories I told when I was five years old.
So, what do you say? $150? Flanagan: Do you promise that you'll treat him right - and you'll-you'll - Yeah.
put different faces on him every night? Yeah.
All right, deal.
150 bucks.
- Buyer: Okay, perfect.
- He's yours.
I appreciate that.
Pack him up.
- Oh, be careful with that stuff, man.
- Chen: Okay, Okay.
Johnson: It doesn't belong to us anymore.
[Laughter.]
Chen: Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Bye, Walt.
I'll see you again one day.
I'll see you again one day, Hugo.
That weird? That's a little weird.
[Laughter.]
All right, there you go, man.
All right.
Enjoy it, enjoy it.
- All right.
- Thank you.
I will.
- Have a good day.
- See you later.
Buyer: You too.
The Troma scream is very sophisticated.
[Screaming.]
Hey, we got a visit from, uh, the mayor of Tromaville the other day.
Our old friend Lloyd Kaufman stopped in.
- Really? - Really! All of a sudden, through the front door of the Stash, comes this conga line, led by the most energetic senior citizen - I have ever seen in my life.
- Smith: Yeah.
Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Kaufman: Wooh! Yeah! We're here! Wow! Thank you every Oh, man.
Not easy goin' across the bridge doin' that.
You know, uh.
Chen: How you doin', Lloyd? Ming, what we've been through when we were in prison together, you taught me a lot.
Flanagan: He had to do what he had to do to survive.
I-I love it.
Never a dull moment with you, Lloyd.
No.
No, no.
[Giggling.]
I love Lloyd Kaufman, man.
Lloyd Kaufman, king of New Jersey cinema.
This guy was doin' indie film long before I knew what indie film was, and is still doin' it to this day.
I remember, uh, I had just gotten cable, and, uh, there was a movie on called "The Toxic Avenger.
" I'd never seen a movie like that before.
With basically no budget, they were able to take you into another universe that you kind of recognized.
Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey.
That's right.
- [Shotgun pump.]
- [Growling.]
- [Click.]
- [Growls.]
- [Click.]
- [Growls.]
- [Click.]
- Fire! - [Gunshots.]
- [Men shouting.]
[Growls.]
Lloyd Kaufman gave birth to something imaginative.
As goofy, as ridiculous, but it is an adventure.
So, with that in mind, for years, every time I've seen him, I'm like, "Lloyd, put us in a movie.
I wanna be in one of your movies.
Come on, come on, Lloyd.
" "Lloyd, you're a legend.
Give me work.
" Johnson: He's like, "I don't want to.
" - [Laughter.]
- Until now.
Thank you for coming all the way here.
I know you're a long way from Tromaville, but I-I-I wanna thank you for giving us a shot.
I know, every time we see you, we hound you.
"Lloyd, put us in one of your movies.
Please put us in one of your movies.
" Today, one of you is gonna get a part in Troma's new movie.
We're goin' back to Shakespeare.
"The Tempest.
" It's gonna be Shakespeare's "Tempest" slash Troma's [Bleep.]
storm, and one of you will be plucked from obscurity.
Can I ask you a quick question before we start, though? - "Toxic Avenger.
" - Yes.
Flanagan: The first superhero from New Jersey.
Why did you pick New Jersey? All of the Troma movies deal with the underdog.
Toxie's the underdog, right? He's bullied.
He was originally little Melvin, and bullied, and through a work of fate, and some chemical waste, he became Toxie.
- [Toxic Avenger growling.]
- [Woman screaming.]
Kaufman: And New Jersey is living in the shadow of this big, arrogant Manhattan, so, naturally, Tromaville is gonna be in New Jersey.
That's the underdog.
Lloyd, if you're looking for-for an underdog who gets bullied all the time, I'm your man.
You'll be my underbitch.
[Laughter.]
The first thing that Lloyd asked us to do was give him our best scream, 'cause in a Troma film, there's a lot of screaming goin' on, apparently.
- No doubt.
- Flanagan: And, uh, so - Shootin' screams is cheap.
- [Laughter.]
Smith: It's the best special effect in the world.
Just, "Aah!" It's not easy, either.
I-I don't think, up to that point, I had ever screamed in my life.
Unless it was, like, at my girlfriend, - my kid, my parents.
- [Laughter.]
The Troma scream is very sophisticated.
Under-underplayed, I'll give you a little sample.
Ready? [Screaming.]
- [Applause.]
- Kaufman: Thank you, thank you.
Ready.
Standing by.
And, action.
- [ Silly music.]
- [Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screams.]
[Screams.]
[Screaming.]
[Shrieks.]
[Screams.]
[Gasps.]
[Screams.]
Kaufman: Cut.
Bravo, me gusto, bravo, bravo! Kaufman: Toxie, very impressed.
- Thank you, Lloyd.
- Toxi-rific! Kaufman: Yeah, very good, Bryan! - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Next! I've got somethin' I think all of you might enjoy.
[ Hard rock music.]
Oh, that's brilliant.
- Action! - I love you.
- Chen: Wanna dance? - Hell, yeah.
- Flanagan: How you doin'? - Seller: Hey, how you doin'? - How you guys doin'? - What's goin' on? I got somethin' I think all of you might enjoy.
It's a General Mills - Franken Berry, Count Chocula cell, 1981.
- Flanagan: Oh, my God.
That's brilliant.
Is there anything cooler than a vampire and a patchwork man sleeping in the same room together, probably watchin', uh, "The Midnight Show"? I mean, nothing leaps to mind.
[Laughter.]
Chen: You had to have loved these two.
Flanagan: Without a doubt, every time I was watching the cartoons, and you-and a commercial for one of these cereals came on with a brand new toy that was at the bottom of the cereal box - Oh, yeah.
- that you had to have.
You remember that? - Unfortunately, I never got to eat this as a kid.
- How come? - My parents just didn't buy these types of cereals.
- Oh.
- What? You have, like, bran cereal? - Somethin' healthy? Yeah, like, Wheaties? - Grape Nuts.
- Oh! Flanagan: I don't recall any toys in Grape Nuts.
I think they came with a roll of toilet paper - at the bottom of the box.
- Chen: Yeah.
That's about it.
Yeah, your-your toy was regularity.
[Laughter.]
Yeah.
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
I mean yeah.
- Breakfast cereals - Oh.
how important were they in your life? Look, breakfast cereals built this body.
[Laughter.]
We rooted for the Trix rabbit, we loved Lucky Charms, Sonny the Cocoa Puff bird.
What a cry for help.
He just was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Those characters, they meant the world to me when I was a kid.
Flanagan: What do you think about if the monsters were to come back, you know, no chintzy animation, now they're, like, done "Toy Story" style.
- Pixar style? - Yeah.
- Gorgeous animation - Think it would sell where it's like, "That's what they would look like in the real world.
" How much cereal would they sell? 'Bout the same.
[Laughter.]
Flanagan: Where'd you get this? Seller: I work for an animation studio.
Through other artists, I've met a couple people who sell this artwork, specifically the monsters.
Even though I didn't get to eat that stuff, the commercials, I remember.
So you took down your Grape Nuts poster and put this up? - Exactly.
- Johnson: Nice.
Flanagan: Well, I gotta tell ya, it's an awesome piece, man, - and I think it'd look cool in the Stash, right? - Oh, yeah.
You know? We can get a frame, put it up.
We can see what kind of interest it has.
What're you lookin' to get for it? I'm lookin' for $275.
Hmm.
How 'bout $160? Two? I could do $175, but that'd probably be where I'd have to draw the line.
- All right.
- $175? - I'll do $175.
- Flanagan: Deal.
[ Rock music.]
- All right, there you go.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- All right guys, thanks.
- Take it easy, man.
- Have a good day.
[ Funky music.]
Kaufman: Okay, gentlemen, now, your first scene from "The Tempest" slash Troma [Bleep.]
storm, Miranda, Frances, star-crossed lovers, bump into each other, strippers are grinding, there's prostitutes, there's huge orgiastic things goin' on.
Anyway, let's, uh, let's do the star-crossed lovers scene.
- Uh, you ready? - Absolutely.
So then, it was time for the acting portion of the audition, and, uh, Lloyd paired us off, and we had to act as if we were two women in a nightclub, and, you know, we were-we were, like, turned on immediately when we saw each other.
Smith: They say the greatest acting challenge an actor can face is when a man plays a lesbian.
[Laughter.]
And Action! What is this hellish place? [ Electronic dance music.]
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
Watch where you're going, you dunce! Zapcic: You can do what you want.
You don't owe me anything.
You've gotta understand.
I have an addiction.
An addiction to sex.
Flanagan: Oh, brave new world that has such people in it.
Kaufman: Cut! I think it has to be more hostility first, and then, boing, love.
I wanna make love to you, but not because of my addiction.
I wanna make love to you because I love you.
Wanna dance? [ Dramatic music.]
Hell, yeah.
[ Electronic dance music.]
[Group chanting.]
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! [Chanting indistinctly.]
[Music ends.]
Cut! - Cut.
- I felt that one.
- [Laughter.]
- I felt that one.
Kabukiman felt it! I did feel that one.
[Applause.]
You went for it.
You were a little aggressive, though, I thought.
You were a little That's what I thought Lloyd was lookin' for.
You know, take charge.
Chen: It was good, I mean, for a guy who barely says hi to me when I come in every morning.
[Laughter.]
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
But, you know, Walt, I-I-I I just don't think you're you're Miranda.
Walt, I'm very sorry.
You're out.
You know, maybe work with each other a little bit and come back.
I can see, unfortunately, Bryan, that, uh, you are not an actor.
All right, fine, man.
I'm keepin' the wig, though.
I think it's come down to you and Ming, uh, it's gonna be the finals.
You got the balls for it? - I do.
- Eh, heh heh heh.
- Mmh.
- Don't step over the line.
All right.
In those cups are the secret ingredients for the world-famous Troma nuclear meltdown.
[All shouting indistinctly.]
Kaufman: Okay, Mike and Ming, this is secret.
I've asked for a closed set because these are Troma's secrets, developed over our 44 years.
The big studios spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on computer graphics.
We have devised a full head-crush scene made famous in the original "Toxic Avenger" 30 years ago.
We take a simple cantaloupe, we paint a very realistic face on the cantaloupe for a full head-crushing scene.
Okay, this is gonna be action.
This is not the Toxic Avenger.
Toxie, who are you? I am one of Prospero's evil mutants, a half-shark, alligator, half-chicken.
- Okay, standing by.
- Gotcha.
And, action.
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Zapcic screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Growling.]
Don't kill me! Aah! Go ahead! C'mon, bring it! Bring it! [ Dramatic music.]
[Crushing.]
[Mutant growling.]
Flanagan: Have any of you guys ever had any thoughts about, you know, having any a romantic relationship with any sci-fi, pop culture character? I'm gonna go Barbarella.
Like, remember that opening scene where she's, like, floating around in space, like, half naked? - Johnson: That's a good choice.
- Chen: Like, that's, like But that's literally just a pretty woman, though.
I'm talkin' about something along the E.
T.
lines.
Something that makes you go, like, - "Should I be feelin' this way?" - E.
T.
? Like, I don't know if this alien's male or female, and I don't care! - [Laughter.]
- Yeah! You're just trying to get me to admit to something, like, all, like, weird and messed up.
No! If I tell you mine, would you tell me yours? All right, I wanna hear it.
Flanagan: I remember a dude that was at Jabba's palace, that let them in, he had that thing that came around his head.
- Bib Fortuna? - Bib Fortuna.
- Flanagan: Bib Fortuna.
- Chen: Okay.
Flanagan: Something was oddly attractive to me with that thing that wrapped around his head.
- What? - It just I don't know.
- Chen: Bib Fortuna?! - It was sexy.
Come on, I've admitted to you.
You must have one, too.
You know one of those face-suckers from "Alien"? - A facehugger? - Yeah.
There's one scene where it, like, kind of hugged the glass, and you can see kind of the outline of, like, where it laid the eggs, and you know what that you know what that was supposed to be.
- [Laughter.]
- Hook up with an alien? What are you trying to say? The same thing he's tryin' to say! Is that why you have that glass table in your living room? [Laughter.]
[ Funky music.]
Kaufman: Okay, gentlemen, you've made it to the finals.
You each have two cups.
In those cups are the secret ingredients for the world-famous Troma nuclear meltdown.
[Screaming.]
[Gurgling.]
Kaufman: This will determine who gets the part in Shakespeare's "Tempest", slash Troma's [Bleep.]
storm.
Okay, ready, gentlemen? - And, action! - [ Hard rock music.]
That's it, that's it.
Now, don't-don't breathe it in! That's it.
Put it in the mouth, carefully, careful.
Drop the cups, drop the cups.
That it, keep your heads up.
Chin up, chin up! Very good, Ming, Ming.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, let it work, let it work! Oh, my God! Oh, no! Oh! [Indistinct shouting.]
Oh! [All shouting in disgust.]
It's so beautiful! [Indistinct shouting.]
They were all in, and the nuclear meltdown was in every orifice on their face, at least.
- Face, neck and chest, just up and down.
- Yeah, it was nuts.
Troma-rific! Toxi-rific! Come on, team, come on.
Let's-let's-let's huddle here.
Who-who-who-who should get this thing? Okay, okay.
All right.
Nice, thank you so much.
Thank you.
All right, so, I think we have come up with the winner.
Um, I think we should have Dolphin Man, uh, announce the winner.
[Imitating dolphin noises.]
Dolphin Man.
Hey, Ming! Yay! Oh, man! Wow, wow, Ming - incredible.
- Congratulations! You deserve it.
You were the best by far.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lloyd.
I'll give you my best.
Can't wait to be workin' with you on set.
But I wanna thank you for comin' to the Stash today and providing us with a fan-toxic day.
Wow, what a great great day it's been.
Uh, we've done some great auditions.
Ming, lead the lead the conga line! Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Troma, Troma, Troma Oh man, looks like we gotta take the last train to Tromaville, and get outta here, folks.
For "Comic Book Men" I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Not everything in life that is Troma-tic is bad.
Goodnight, kids.