Community s01e04 Episode Script

Ooh.
Nice day out today, isn't it? Yeah, shoot.
You forget something? Yeah, I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with Shirley's.
We both have a class across campus and I can't go that kind of distance with "Oh, that's nice.
" That's mean.
No, that's not nice.
I find Shirley very easy to talk to.
Besides, aren't you supposed to have like an Olympic gold medal in jibber jabber? Yeah, but I'm a sprinter.
I'm at my best during high speed bursts of wit.
On a Shirley walk, I'd be winded by that stoner tree.
Hey, Britta.
Hi.
What's up? Hey, Vaughn, how's it going? No worries.
Interesting.
Because I might be worried if I was playing hacky sack a decade too late.
My class is that way.
All right.
I just want to point out that we easily walked more than a hundred yards with no awkward pauses.
And that is the sign of a true friend.
So I'm really glad you're not hitting on me anymore.
There's the awkward pause.
Aah! Excuse me.
Oh, pardon me.
Professor Duncan.
Professor Duncan.
Uh, ooh, sorry.
Annie Edison, I'm in your 101 lecture.
Oh.
Hello.
I've heard about your special psych lab.
Ah.
The Duncan Principle.
Yes.
And I know it's limited to second year students, but I had a 4.
0 at Riverside High.
And I'm not looking down on this school at all.
But I'm only here because of a brief addiction to pills that I was told would help me focus but they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity.
Right.
If you will let me take your lab early, it would be a real feather in my transcript.
Okay.
I've actually been in this situation many times, so I'm just gonna be upfront.
I'm not allowed to date students.
Oh.
But if in spite of that you are still interested, then you may join the lab.
Oh! Ah.
Okay, you need to bring two human subjects.
I asked politely and the panda took his pants off.
I never even knew that's what asexual meant.
I wonder what this express package could be.
Somebody had to get something to me very fast.
You brought your mail to campus.
Oh, yes.
My Ear-Noculars.
What is that? It looks like your blue-tooth thingy.
No, no, no.
This is my cell phone headset.
And this is Ear-Noculars.
It's for spies and what-not.
Gives you sonic hearing.
All hearing is sonic.
What's that? So who wants to be in a psych experiment? Hey, guys, guys.
Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.
She's behind you.
Not interested.
Please.
You get paid.
Do they do stuff to your butt? No.
Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt? No.
It's fine, I'll do it, I'm in.
Yay.
How about you, Abed? It's tomorrow.
Oof.
Tomorrow, they're showing all four Indiana Joneses at The Vista.
I'm really looking forward to the first three.
I bought a whip.
This is really important to me, Abed.
Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend? Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends.
I figured we were really more like Chandler and Phoebe.
They never really had stories together.
Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.
Oh, thank you, Abed.
Oh.
I'm gonna go save Britta from that dude.
Yeah, she looks like she's in trouble.
Hope he doesn't try to handsome her to death.
Ha-ha.
Hey.
What's up, man? Hi, I'm Vaughn.
You in line? Oh, no, no.
We're just, uh We're just chilling.
Hey, you're not gonna order coffee? Oh, no, I was just seeing if Britta No judgment, bro.
I used to do coffee.
Then I made the switch to green tea, it's like filled with these antioxidants and stuff.
It's pretty tight.
Tight.
Yes, I've heard that about green tea.
I like green tea.
I should make the change.
Up top, sugar bear.
Yeah, give me some of that.
Small coffee, please.
Britta's making the change to green tea.
Good.
It'll be a scandal.
Welcome, research assistants.
Turn your attention to the monitor, you will see that our subjects are waiting for the experiment to begin.
But it's actually happening right now.
You see, the waiting is the experiment.
The Duncan Principle is simple.
Namely, the more control lost by Yeah, I'm gonna write this down too, actually.
That's a good point.
The more control lost by the ego, the more gained by the id.
Resulting in a surprisingly predictable, emotional eruption or breaking point.
Known to Ma and Pa as a good old-fashioned tantrum.
Oh.
Annie.
Why don't you, uh, go and tell our subjects that we're gonna be starting the experiment in five minutes, okay? And, Annie, it's never actually going to start.
Ha-ha-ha.
I like that, all day.
Hi, everyone.
Hi, Troy.
Hi, Abed.
Hi, Senor Chang.
What, community college Spanish teacher can't use 80 bucks? Well, we're just running a little bit behind, so we'll probably start in five minutes.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Unacceptable.
When you say something starts at 9, it starts at nueve.
Ah! No, no.
And we're off.
Did you know we walk the same way after class? I'm sure you didn't or else we would've been walking together, unless you're a jerk, hmm, just kidding.
Heh-heh.
Let's do it.
Mm-hm.
Don't go too fast for these dogs.
Short legs.
Do you like Green? What's that? You got a kid, right? Nothing.
So Pierce isn't exactly right in the head, is he? I know a lot of grown men with radar dishes coming out of their ears.
He's like Inspector Gadget.
Yeah, go go gadget incontinence.
How about that guy that's always around flirting with Britta? I know.
He's the worst, Vaughn? I know.
What is with his hair? It's perpetually moist.
Okay, we're three hours in, let's review what we've seen.
And pay close attention to every subject's breaking point.
We've got a shouter.
That one's a stomper.
Bye, hippie.
There's a generic whack job, bouncing up and down like a 6-foot child.
Shaking, write that down.
Visible shakes.
Look at the little one chase the big one, look at them go.
I can make them go quicker, it's like Benny Hill.
Whoo.
Get them.
Lightens the mood.
And back to the present.
And then there were two.
Break, break.
No, no, no.
Annie.
What is going on in there? I wasted all day here for you.
The Soul Train Awards were tonight.
You promised And he's out.
We got him.
Professor, what is with that last guy? I've seen this before.
The longer they wait, the harder they break.
Buckle up, students.
Heh.
See how often Hacky Sack takes his shirt off? He'd play shirts and skins in a game of checkers.
I'm so glad to be able to talk to someone about this.
I wanted to say something to Britta about it.
But we're supposed to be friends now, she'd think I was jealous.
I don't see why you and Britta aren't together.
Two white people going to school together, just seems right.
Shirley, we're not pandas in a zoo.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
That is not what I want to see.
And there goes the shirt.
Hey.
Hey, I'm fine.
Oh.
Want me to, uh, check you for grass stains? I wasn't sure how or when to bring up that I was hanging out with Vaughn.
I figured that you'd make fun of him and me.
Oh, well Uh First of all, friends don't make fun of each other, even if they're being tackled in the quad by a hippie.
And secondly, Vaughn seems cool.
You guys should hang out sometime.
I gotta go.
I, uh That was tacky out there, you won't ever see that again.
Oh, no worries, brah.
Shirley.
Did you see Senor Chang's socks today? Tiny bullfighters.
Ha-ha.
I can top that, did you see that Hacky Sack wears an anklet? Since when won't you talk about Vaughn? I'm trying to be a good friend to Britta.
She thought I was gonna make fun of him, but I want to be unpredictable.
I'm going to show her that I'm not the jerk she thinks I am.
And friend the hell out of that green-tea-drinking drum circler.
Okay.
But tell me you noticed how small his nipples are.
Not engaging.
What? It's not gossip when it's fact.
My kids got hamsters with big nips.
No.
Oh, well.
Jeff.
No.
Is Is it on pause? No, that's just him.
Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours.
It's just going to be another five minutes.
Okey-dokey.
Okey-dokey.
Oh, my Why won't he leave? Professor.
What? I'm sorry, this guy's not moving.
I have classes to go to.
Go, fine.
Go kill John Lennon again, you loser.
He's ruined my study.
He's warped the Duncan Principle.
Damn you, you outlying piece of datum.
Ow! Aah! It's you.
It's your fault.
But you told me to bring subjects.
Yeah, subjects.
Not Rain Man.
I should never have let you into this lab, Miss Annie Fanny Panties In A Bunch.
Oh.
Oh, that's so hilarious.
Did you think of that the last time you skipped a trip to the dentist? Oh.
Let me answer that question with another question.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
What are you doing? Stop writing.
Put your Give me that.
Get out.
Get out, you bunch of dorks.
Get out.
You have destroyed the Duncan Principle.
Go home.
Cool.
See you.
So, uh, Britta said that you did a lot of community service.
Ultimate Frisbee at the Senior's Center.
It is amazing.
And what makes Frisbee ultimate? Ha-ha-ha.
Man.
If I had a nickel for every time I wished somebody asked me that.
I'm gonna get dessert.
Want anything? Carrots.
Oh, I'm good.
Hey, you two.
Hey.
Well, that's a cool shirt.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Where's it from? Oh.
Uh, psh I don't even know.
I guess it's, well Uh Hey, look at that.
Hanes Classic.
Oh, that's nice.
You know, people underestimate the elderly, but you see these guys out there and they're throwing the 'bee, and they're just loving life.
It's just inspiring.
You know, I'm gonna really I'm gonna think about it.
All right.
I'm gonna check on Brits.
See you.
See you.
You're the devil.
I know.
Plus Okay.
I have a question.
"Where do we go on Saturdays?" You said, "Sunday.
" I have a question for you.
You like Vaughn, right.
Oh, he he's very cute.
I'm just worried that he's thinking a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am.
He says stuff, you know, after School? After Dinner mints? After Not having sex.
How was that? What? Forget that.
The problem right now is that he's calling me "babe.
" He's trying to hold my hands.
It's getting a little relationship-y.
And he gave me something.
Herpes? No.
This.
A poem? How do I respond to something like that? "Thank you?" Well, it's a very good question.
And it's one I will answer Uh Oh, I'm getting a text.
I'm just gonna read it if you don't mind.
I am reading it and it is read.
Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky? Did ya? It's the same wizard blue That I see in your eye, Britta Thank you so much.
This has brightened my day.
I'm so glad we can rip on that dude again.
Look at this.
Look at this.
That is the stain of a tear drop over the word, "rad.
" Oh, he said rad.
I thought he said red.
That makes it worse.
Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm surprised he can read.
You know? I know.
Hey, sorry about bailing on the psych experiment.
That was the experiment, Troy.
We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.
Whoa.
Oh.
Gotcha.
"Gotcha?" That's all you have to say? Yeah.
You sat in a room for 26 straight hours.
Didn't that bother you? Yeah, I was livid.
Then why didn't you leave? Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.
Wait.
Is this still part of experiment? He's more like a puppy with a fish mouth.
Right, right, right.
It's more like this: That's right.
Laugh it up.
Wanna know what they're doing? Yeah.
Sure.
Making fun of all of us.
I heard you with my own Ear-Noculars.
Pierce, we are not making fun of you.
Ah, ha-ha.
Calling me Hacky Sack, and ripping my My six pack abs and my moist hair.
And that face you made: That was pretty obviously Annie.
Okay, this is definitely still part of the experiment.
Pierce, we were not making fun of you.
We're making fun of Britta's boyfriend, Vaughn.
Oh, good.
Well, in that case, if we're gonna do something, let's do it as a team.
I'll get the ball rolling.
Maybe he has a tiny penis.
Who is this guy? You all have to got to see him.
Everything's all, "No worries, no worries.
" He always says hello three times in a row.
"Hello, good evening, how are you?" And look, he wrote a poem.
Can I read it? We shouldn't show that.
No, no, it's fine.
So I'll be done in like an hour? Yeah, no worries.
He just said it.
Guys, you've met Vaughn, right? Hey, what's up? Hi.
Ha-ha.
What a fool.
This group's got a case of the giggles, huh? Heh.
Wait, is that? Did you give them my poem? No.
Okay, well, why's the dinosaur rocking a picture of my poem? Here, read it.
Ha.
You guys are You guys laughing at me, aren't you? Yeah.
No.
That's, uh Wow.
This is the least tight thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't believe you.
Honestly, Jeff, how dare you? I can hear him outside.
He's crying.
Now, he's barking.
Jeff, wait, I'm sorry I sold you out.
Britta is never gonna forgive me.
I can't believe I showed you that poem.
Oh, my God, my life is Degrassi High.
Oh, Jeff.
I have a gossip problem.
I stir the pot, Jeff.
I'm a pot stirrer.
This isn't the only study group I've had this year.
You see those ladies over there? I used to be in their group until they kicked me out.
They called me Tattle-ina.
It's a bumblebee nickname.
It's cute, but it stings.
Hey, look at the size of that woman's earrings.
It's like little dogs should be jumping through them.
Look at them.
This has to end.
Mm-mm-mm.
Shirley, don't do this.
Look, we can still hang out.
It's just, you know, we won't bag on people.
Come on, Jeff.
What are we gonna talk about? My kids, your Your doctor career? I was a lawyer.
See, I'm already bored.
Well We'll always have tiny nipples.
Heh-heh-heh.
They were tiny.
Jeff.
Wait, wait.
I know I shouldn't do this, but one last little piece of gossip.
Britta told me she had a sex dream about you.
You still have a chance.
Mm-mm! Mm.
Mm-mm.
Details.
Details.
Details.
Abed, here.
I wanted to say sorry for yelling at you.
Indiana Jones, cool.
I just got you the first three because The fourth one blows.
We're cool.
Britta.
I do not want to talk to you.
No, I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
And I will go talk to Vaughn Vaughn broke up with me.
Oh! Oh.
You broke my trust.
You suck.
I know and I'm sorry.
But I was in a tough position.
I couldn't handle just being one of the girls.
What do you wanna be? Is Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum between total stranger and having to hear about the guys you date? And, ideally, just a notch underneath driving you to the airport and painting your kitchen.
How about the friend level where you sometimes have to cat sit? Done.
And if I'm occasionally naked in your dreams, I won't complain.
Shirley.
I know, she's got a problem.
She stirs the pot.
She's a pot stirrer.
Sorry, dudes.
No worries, man.
Uh some worries, man.
Some worries.
Whoa.
Shirley would've said something funny about that guy.
Oh, Jeff, oh.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, no.
Pierce, Pierce, give me your ear thing.
Got rid of it.
You see, Jeff, there are certain things man was not meant to hear.
We were designed by whatever entity you choose to hear what's in this range.
And really this range alone.
Because, you know who's talking to us in this range.
The people we love.
He must've heard us call him Inspector Gadget.
Oh, I think it's time for Burning Man.
Oh, I'm Saddam Hussein.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, dude.
Oh, wow, I love reading and being a desperate housewife.
Hey, man, coming through, I love the Desperate Housewives.
I'm Dr.
Doogie Seacrest.
I think I'm better than everyone else because I'm 40.
I'm not 40.
I can hear you through the window, morons.
Just pretend like you asleep.
Just pretend like you were sleeping.