Community s01e14 Episode Script

Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's back door conundrum.
Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
Abed, ew.
The door on that side is locked after 5, which means that most us have to walk all the way around.
Now if we were to move our meetings to 4:30 No.
I have a regular class at that time.
It's like Math or other regular classes.
Yeah.
I have something unimportant that can't ever move.
Well, maybe one of us could stand by the back door and let the rest in? Mm.
I nominate Pierce.
Where is he? I have not seen him around all day.
I haven't either.
Has anyone called him? I did.
Several times, actually.
But he never returned my calls.
Oh, no.
Oh.
The last thing I said to him was, "Suck it.
" Me too.
Good morning.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yes.
Oh, thank God.
Whew.
You thought I was dead, didn't you? No.
I did.
Do you people have any idea how emasculating that is? I'm not Mickey Rooney.
You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up.
You know, when I was 30, people used to wish that I was dead to my face.
That's called respect.
Mm.
Who is the lucky brunette? Last name Beeswax, first name Nunnuyuh.
Oh, my third wife was biracial.
Stop it.
I am trying to keep you out of trouble.
What if the next girl saw these? Well, then she would know it was hers.
Jeff, you're sleeping with a woman you already slept with? Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries? Like Privacy Smurf, Discreet Bear or Confidentiality Spice? Why would you keep her a secret? Don't you want us to meet her? We have an agreement to keep it low-key.
That's ridiculous.
Obviously, it's a guy.
You're wrong, Pierce.
It's two guys.
Sometimes I do wish you were dead.
Thank you.
Hey, what's up, man? Boo! Hey, what's up, J-Dog? Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, what's up, man? What's up? Sorry I'm late.
Uh, and step into place.
Six, seven, eight, and reach.
Two, three, four, pose.
Reach back and arm.
Professor Slater, quick question.
You know the answer.
I don't date students.
Even if you are no longer in my Statistics class.
I'm actually kind of seeing someone right now, thank you very much.
Really? How's that going? Fine for now.
She's smart, pretty.
But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me to stop talking and take off my pants.
She is.
I've never been someone's dirty little secret.
I've never had a dirty secret.
It's so unprofessional.
But the sneaking does make the sex 38 percent hotter.
Wow, you do like statistics, don't you? Hey, midterms and whatever.
Chalk.
Professor Slater, there's that transcript you wanted.
Jeff, I didn't expect to see you here.
Hopefully I'm not interrupting.
You know, we laugh, but the fact is, student-teacher relationships do happen.
And they are a magnet for lawsuits, so we do stay vigilant.
In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list.
And are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
You rank people by how hot they are? You got it, number two.
Dean Pelton.
Yes, Professor Seven Uh, Slater? I'll return this tomorrow.
Okay, then.
You guys be extra careful now.
Two people of your rankings in this small a room, with this type of lighting, and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God, it's all the more important to keep it tasteful.
Heh.
I think he might have ruined It's dead.
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Arm, head, and pose.
I can't wait for the recital.
You were all wonderful.
Especially you, Troy.
Thank you, Madame LeClair.
And if any of you mention my dancing outside of class, I will break off your legs and use them to smash in your friends' cars.
Oh! Huh! Oh, my God.
Troy, since when have you taken modern dance? Since last semester.
Coach told me it would help with my coordination.
And I fell in love with it, in a very straight way.
I know it's tempting to sneak a peek, but I'm gonna need for you to keep your eyes up here.
I should have never dismissed you as a shallow jock.
Then again, we haven't really spent much time together.
That's because you don't play football or have fun.
I have fun tap dancing.
I started last semester too.
It was always something I wanted to do, but it was too embarrassing, so I never told anyone.
Same here.
Britta, nobody can know about this.
Troy, who are we kidding? Look at how much time and energy we're putting into hiding something that we're passionate about.
We are leading a double life.
I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.
We should look at this as an opportunity to come clean.
Are you saying we tell the group? Together? We could invite them to the dance recital on Friday.
Man, I don't know.
Let me think about it.
Okay, let's do this.
Ahem! Sorry.
Mr.
Winger.
Would you come to my office? We never finished our intercourse.
I have study group right now.
And nobody uses "intercourse" to mean anything other than sex.
Look, this is a wall of windows.
My study group's behind it.
I know.
Look, as soon as we touch, the blinds will open, and six annoying but lovable misfits will be staring at us.
Come on, what are the odds? Fine.
Now, was that so bad? Hey, could you open the back door? You all remember Michelle Slater, my professor from last semester.
As most of you may have realized by now, she's the woman I've been seeing lately.
Why are they looking at me like I'm a zoo animal? Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group.
So, emotionally, this is like being told you're our new mom.
But you know it's nothing like that, right? Absolutely.
You cook macaroni? I have.
Macaroni's my favorite.
The important thing is we all understand Professor Slater and I need this to be our little secret.
Everyone understand that? Yes.
Hey, my macaroni noodle is so good.
Sure, sure.
The pepper jack, and you bake it.
See? All good.
Well, thank you, everyone.
I appreciate it.
I should get going.
Yeah.
Mm.
Ooh.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, Jeff, you've taken a big step in knocking down the barriers between students and teachers.
It's like Rosa Parks.
I don't think it's like that.
No, it's just like that.
I feel if you need to explain it, it's not just like that.
Is your heart gonna be okay with this? I will try to find the tools to survive.
Okay.
Hey, everybody, speaking of secrets, Troy and I have something that we would like to announce.
Aah! No, no.
There is a dance recital on Friday, and I would be honored if you guys would attend.
Because since last semester, I have been taking a tap class.
That's funny.
Well, I don't know how funny it is.
Come on, we're not making fun of you, but, obviously, you kept it a secret because you saw the irony too.
Irony? Well, you're not a typically vulnerable or feminine person.
And the act of dancing is considered both vulnerable and feminine.
I disagree.
What about Fred Astaire? What about Baryshnikov? Yeah, I guess.
There are exceptions to the rule.
But even when Jerry Rice went on Dancing With the Stars Jerry Rice? Oh, my God.
Oh, I liked him.
Troy, what's your secret? Um M-my secret is that I knew Britta's secret.
Yeah.
I saw her in her dance outfit and she looked ridiculous.
So I helped her protect her shame.
You know, I'm just glad she's out now.
Bravo, Britta.
Thanks.
Mr.
Winger, there you are.
Just got word of your relationship with Professor Slater.
I'd like to see both of you in my office in half an hour.
None of you left the room.
How is that even possible? Well, for one thing, it's all over Twitter.
Britta in a tutu.
Can you imagine? Ha-ha-ha.
Hey.
What the hell? I thought we were supposed to come out to the group together.
Yeah.
I changed my mind.
Well, they're gonna find out that you dance at the recital.
I'm not gonna be in the recital.
I'm dropping the class.
Oh, my God, how can you do this to me? I'm so disappointed in you.
Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that.
You are not Shirley.
And Shirley's not my mom.
Britta, it's not like we were in the same boat.
Girls are supposed to dance.
That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.
But I'd be going from starting quarterback to a guy that twirls around in tights.
I've got way more to lose getting up on that stage because I'm a man.
Well, guess what? A real man doesn't bail on his friends, or on himself.
You're a dancer, Troy.
It's who you are.
Not anymore.
Excuse me.
Whoa.
Come on.
Upset about Jeff? No, I am upset about something I can't talk about.
We could talk about anything.
Politics, medicine, Jeff.
Okay, uh, did you hear that the Shroud of Turin is actually? Here's the thing about Jeff.
Wow.
Chasing after you made him a better person because you always call him on his stuff.
All this time, you've been warming him up and stirring in sweetener, and making him just right.
And sure, you weren't ready to take a sip yet.
But it didn't mean you want somebody to snatch him off the counter, guzzle him down in front of you.
Shirley, I did not warm Jeff up.
Nobody ever will.
Do you think Professor Slater is getting flowers right now? Do you think they are gonna go to the movies and hold hands? Visit her parents? No.
The only thing keeping them going was the thrill of the secrecy.
And now that it is out, it is over.
Believe me.
Can Can I just ask, as a divorced, black housewife? What part of being a single, white slacker makes you people so jaded? Ooh.
"You people"? What do you mean, "you people"? I cannot believe I got to say that.
Heh-heh.
It's the little things, isn't it? Okay, well, now that your secret is out there, I'm just gonna talk you through this teacher-student relationship form, and then we can get you two on your very attractive way.
We haven't even admitted to being a couple.
In fact, this is all based on hearsay.
Worse than hearsay.
Pierce's Twitter account, in which he says he's 47, and teaches a women's-only Pilates class.
Jeff, it's okay.
It's out.
And you know what? It doesn't bother me.
I'm happy.
Sweet.
Mm.
First question.
How long have you been doing it? Oh, not "it.
" I mean, this, dating.
A few weeks.
Mm-hm.
And how long have you been doing it? We don't have to answer that.
Oh, it's Hmm? Now, this is just hypothetical.
Might you ever consider spending the night with a third person? That's not on there.
Uh Wow, it's on there.
Just exploring your options, obviously.
Heh-heh-heh.
No agenda.
I'll put TBD.
Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend? Yes.
Eh What? Oh, boy.
It's semantics, really, isn't it? We've slept together every night for the last three weeks.
How would you describe me? The best friend ever.
Oh.
Well, uh I guess I've had the wrong idea about us.
You know what, this is good.
I'd be better off dating, um, an adult.
See you around.
Michelle.
Rowr.
I'll get the breakup form.
I got freaked out by that boyfriend label.
I'm afraid of commitment.
How original.
Look, the biggest truths aren't original.
Truth is ketchup, it's Jim Belushi.
Its job isn't to blow our minds, it's to be within reach.
So the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.
You're acting like I'm a Venus flytrap.
I didn't want or need more than what we were doing.
Let's get back to it.
Should I get the door? I can't now because you went to the friend place.
That's you getting official, not me.
Because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady, or that blond in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our ninth and 11 th slumber party, statistically speaking, most people would call us more than pals.
Yeah, but soon as you say it, it can get complicated and messy.
How? Because when you say it, later on, you might have to unsay it.
Whoopee flipping ding, Winger.
It happens 50 million times a day.
It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments.
It barely means anything, and it grows on what's there over time.
Wow, that guy is really taking a pounding in this conversation.
I'll see you around, Jeff.
I really liked what we were doing.
And if the ratio of work to pleasure can really stay at that same level, I don't care what it's called, I'll do it.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
That's a big crowd out there.
Heh.
Abed's really good at inviting people.
We're all here to support you.
Jeff even brought his girlfriend.
Oh, she's his girlfriend now? Can't wait till he hears about it.
Oh, he knows.
They even had to file paperwork with the dean.
It's pretty serious.
Our little Jeff's growing up.
Ha.
Oh Break a leg, Britta.
I have no idea how someone could do what you're about to do.
Heh-heh.
I brought Goobers.
Anybody want a Goober? Get them while they're goobie.
Yeah.
Showtime.
Well, this is already ridiculous.
Shh.
"Tea for Two"? There There's five people.
Shh! Good Lord.
Is she a water pot or a tea kettle? Shh.
Any of you think the flowers are dying from the tea? Shh! Everyone can hear you.
Britta.
Water it.
What's going on? So embarrassing.
Oh, plot twist.
Easy girl.
There we go.
Uh Uh Ah! Uh Thank you.
Yeah.
Play something modern.
What are you doing here? Being a friend and a man.
Oh, thank you.
Ah Aah-aah! It's okay.
Culturally, it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite.
Hah.
Whoo! Bravo.
Whoo.
Yeah, all right.
Greendale.
Greendale.
Hi, guys.
That was really cool.
I wish I knew how to tap dance.
Oh.
Thanks, Abed.
It takes a lot of hard work, but you could take a class.
Hmm, pass.
Hey, Troy, thank you.
No, thank you.
I mean, you looked so pathetic, you made going up there the most masculine option.
Mm.
Troy.
Oh.
What you did up there really took guts.
I'm impressed.
Thanks, Pierce.
Yeah.
And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.
Good job up there.
Thank you.
Where's your date? Didn't she wanna get my autograph? Oh.
She's getting a permission slip from the dean to allow us to drive home together.
Heard you guys are official now.
Yeah, I guess.
You actually had a big part in that.
I mean, if I can handle having a girl for a friend, who's to say I'm not ready for a girlfriend? Makes perfect sense.
Break a leg.
Flowers.
Yeah.
Uh, is that? That's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, but I thought they might catch fire.
No, this is This is good.
You can hand them to me.
Thank you.
See you Monday.
Bye.
Good night, everybody.
Five letters, Broadway musical.
Annie.
Uh, six letters, to puncture.
Pierce.
Um, a water filter that starts with B.
Britta.
Okay.
There's a tough one, though.
Um, Helen of Troy.
Oh, damn, you're good.
Thank you.
I never even heard of that last one.
All right, uh, one of the two brother actors, Bridges, four letters.
Hmm.
I know.
Bridges.
I don't know.
Come on, guys, can't you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It's Beau, Beau Bridges.
These are all things you can see on TV.
Except for pierce, that's a misdirect.
Oh.
Oh.
I love misdirects.
I love The Big Lebowski.