Community s01e16 Episode Script

Communication Studies

It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone.
But remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.
I'm chaperoning tomorrow's dance.
You should come.
Maybe your study buds will go.
What's the blonde's name? Bitter, Butter, Beetlejuice? Britta.
Yeah, she says Valentine's Day ritualizes a connection between affection and candy so girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.
Translation, no date.
I'm gonna join you at that dance.
But as a novice boyfriend, could I get a map of the minefield known as women's Valentine expectations? Every day of the year, I want you to do what makes you happy.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna be happy spending the night with an insatiable statistics professor.
Jeff, it's the Registrar's Office.
Seems you were wrong about paying tuition with airline miles.
We're gonna need a check Message deleted.
Jeff Winger, I am calling you.
Oh, yeah.
You're probably, whatever.
So, what's up? Heh.
Oh, it's the Cupid Being.
Ooh! Now it has arrows.
That's safe.
Oh! It's from that cook with the long beard in the cafeteria.
I guess when he said, "I'm gonna get you", um, he meant chocolates.
A flower from Vaughn.
He's away on a vision quest.
You got something, Abed? Another muffin basket from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Does that work? Yep.
Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking.
Oh, that's sarcasm but I forgot to inflect.
This sounds way more like sarcasm.
Inflection is so interesting.
That big bag at the bottom.
Is that for me? Anything in there for Troy? Troy Barnes.
Barnes, comma, Troy? Who cares about getting things? It destroys the true meaning of Valentine's Day.
The birth of St.
Oh, good.
Now it has arrows.
That's safe.
Sorry I'm late.
It's okay.
Actually, you look very early.
Oh, God, I'm really late.
Yes, you are.
See you later.
That's all right.
We'll see you guys.
Can I get you something? Water? Smelling salts? An alibi for Cobain's suicide? No, but you could help yourself to a shorter forehead, a non-Keebler nose, and shutting up.
That stings.
I mean, not the words.
The clouds of bourbon vapor forming them.
A girlfriend from my anarchist days was in town and we drank.
And then you said, "I should call Jeff.
" Yeah, because the first thing I do when I'm having fun is think about Jeff Winger, I am calling you.
You're probably, whatever.
So, what's up? The drunk dial.
So much subtext.
So much intrigue.
So much of what the kids are calling BCI.
That's, uh, Booty Call Implication.
Oh What happened to Britta? Justice.
Having spent the year denying her attraction to me just to be alternative, Britta called me at 3 a.
just to ask, "What's up?" A drunk dial? Was it BCI? Booty call with a capital B.
This can't be good.
It's no biggie.
We give each other crap all the time.
Well, that's the point.
What crap can she give now that you hold the cards? You shifted the balance like in a sitcom when one character sees another one naked.
Is that really a sitcom staple? No.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm Abed, I never watch TV.
Now, we all know that in English, the rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo.
" In espaƱol, the gallo says: What? I'm teaching.
Aha! I knew you were holding back.
Oh! It's from the girl I'm dating.
Yeah, I met her in Biology.
She was looking for Geology and misread the sign.
Yeah, I said, "We do not study countries in here.
" Heh.
Yeah, she's She's dumb, but But sweet.
Yeah, mine's from Danielle.
She's, uh Uh A lovely lady in my Marketing class.
We're sleeping together.
They sound like very lucky ladies.
Yeah, they're not made up.
Beep-beep! Oh, my God, what's going on? Beep-beep-beep! My bull crap meter's going crazy.
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep! Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep! It's these presents you've obviously sent yourselves to make it look like you have girlfriends.
That's ridiculous.
This is obviously your handwriting, Mr.
And yours is signed, "Love, Troy"? I tell you, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in the classroom.
Oh, my God.
Look at him over there, cutting the gristle off his steak as ruthlessly as he cut off Troy and Pierce's dignity.
Ew! Now he's eating the gristle.
I'm so sick of Chang.
Always tearing people down, making them feel horrible about themselves.
Somebody needs to humiliate him the way he humiliated our boys.
Mustache, get me a juice box.
And that somebody is us.
You can vomit onto this food because it already smells like it.
Yeah, totally.
My law firm went on a retreat to Disney World once, and I got so drunk that I got into a fight with animatronic Ben Franklin.
Why are you telling me this? Well, the point is that when I'm sober, I don't secretly hate Ben Franklin or even think about him, so you drunk dialing me? It's not like a big deal.
My God.
You're pitying me now.
Well, you're acting really weird.
I'll talk to you in class, okay? Just leave me alone till then.
Beep-beep-beep! What is going on here? Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep! My doody meter's going crazy.
Okay, cut, cut, cut.
Leo, I'm not feeling it.
I really need to believe that you're holding an imaginary doody meter.
The problem is not me.
It's you and your stupid script.
That's the anger.
Use it.
One Papa John's commercial and he thinks he's Christian Bale.
Look, uh, you were right.
Britta is totally weird around me.
It does feel like I saw her naked.
It's a resonant premise.
Tony even saw Angela naked on the opening credits of Who's the Boss? And did Tony do something to fix that? I don't know.
I could never get past the opening credits.
But when Chandler saw Rachel naked on Friends, to even the score Rachel needed to see Chandler's penis.
All right.
I'll show Britta my penis.
Jeff, please don't waste my time.
I lose my Chang to Cub Scouts in 20 minutes.
So So, what? To even the score, I have to drunk dial her? Isn't that absurdly simplistic? Would it even work? Maybe.
No room for error.
She'd have to believe it was real.
Have you ever acted drunk before? I can totally do it.
I'm fine.
I can drive.
I can totally drive right now.
Give me my keys.
That's enough.
No, hold on a second.
All right.
I don't care.
No, seriously, give me my keys.
Okay, that's a wrap, people.
I want you to be at my place at 4 so we can work on this.
Well, no, I can't do that.
Here's why.
Dumbest idea ever.
You know Britta's defining weakness.
She cuts and runs.
Do this half-assed and fail, she may leave, then we all lose her.
That's not gonna happen.
Not on my watch.
That's a deal breaker.
Saddle up.
Sorry I lost my cool.
Just quit smoking.
Kid's gonna be a star.
He's a young "the Asian guy from Lost.
" Try it again.
Come on.
You're a big guy.
Hey, Britta.
Your call got me thinking, and thinking got me drinking.
That was terrible.
What? Mm-mm.
You know, I can get drunk alone if that's what helps people act.
Well, that's your problem, Jeff.
You've been acting your whole life.
Okay? Time to pass that act up and find the actor playing you.
Oh, they are gonna love you in California.
Do you like Britta? Sure, who doesn't? Over half the people that meet her.
They can be put off by her vacuous mannequin face, and her Jodie Foster severity.
But you're different.
Uh You know.
She's no barrel of monkeys.
She She wants everyone to be honest but she lies to herself.
She's seen the world but doesn't get it.
She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.
She's passionate, which I find stupid but entertaining.
Attractive? It was only attraction at first because she bothered to play hard to get.
I'm happy with Michelle.
Slater is low maintenance.
The lowest.
Britta, irritating, impossible, unpredictable.
She didn't like you.
So it felt useless to like her.
Slater likes you how you are, expects nothing from you.
You're safe from change.
And passion.
Watch it.
Watch what? A phony drunk-dial soaked in phony pity that insults Britta even more? Or a believable performance informed by feeling? You know, I am sure you're a good director, but you are a horrible drinking buddy.
I mean, I can't feel things with you studying me like a beige praying mantis.
You're right.
I thought you never drank.
Scorsese drank with De Niro.
It's not for me.
It's for the audience.
All right, class, turn to page Whoa.
Looks like the law firm of Seacrest and Slumdog is taking the day off.
Another special delivery from Troy and Pierce's imaginary lovers? Wait a minute.
That one's for me.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
It's from Princeton.
They want to make me associate professor of the Spanish Department? They're telling me I can name my price? Oh, my God.
At Princeton? Come on.
You two idiots really thought I'd fall for this, huh? This is your pathetic attempt to punish me for humiliating you.
But we didn't do it.
Save it.
As punishment, because you two obviously don't have any girlfriends, escort me to the Valentine's Dance wearing elegant ladies' pantsuits.
Yeah, right.
You'll do it or you fail my class.
You can't do that.
Have you met me? I mean it.
Tonight, you are my bitches.
Holy crap.
Abed? It's 3:00.
What happened? The last thing I remember is you were dancing like that girl in the movie Kids In Detention? Breakfast Club? Dear God.
What have you done to me? Wait, did I call Britta? Where's my phone? Got it.
You made two outgoing calls.
One to Britta, one to your girlfriend.
I don't remember either of them.
Neither do I.
And I don't remember the name of the girl in The Breakfast Club.
Molly Ringworm? You broke me.
I still can't believe I'm a size 14.
I know the 12 was a little tight but I could have pulled it off.
You guys really going through with this? We have to.
He'll fail us.
But we're gonna find out who wrote that letter.
We have leads.
It was written on fake Princeton letterhead.
So whoever wrote it, worked at Princeton, ran out of stationary, and didn't have time to go to the store.
Um, you guys? Mm-mm! Mm.
What? Women's sizes run slimmer.
I'm sure you're a 12 everywhere that it counts.
Well, I'll take every little victory I can get right now.
You look about ready to marry Courtney Love.
That's the reverse of my zinger from before.
Okay, please stop shouting, all right? I feel like that person in the TV show.
Do you remember calling me last night? Yeah.
Why? Are we cool? Oh, yeah.
Have a seat, Drunky Brewster.
Let's study.
Hey, balance restored, I guess.
Movie reference.
Hey there.
Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been calling you.
Yeah, I know.
I figured I'd just let it go to voicemail in case you had the wrong number again.
Elaborate? Oh, you don't remember calling me at 4 in the morning and hanging up when you realized I wasn't Britta? I guess not.
Michelle, um, I was trying to call Britain to order you toffees.
Now that might sound dumb, but I needed to open with it to make the truth less ridiculous.
Two nights ago, Britta drunk-dialed me, and it embarrassed her and made her sad, and the only way for her to get her power back was for me to get believably drunk and leave her an equally embarrassing message.
It sure seems like you and Britta are friends the way my mom's pool cleaner was my uncle.
Have you had sex with her? Not even a little.
What doesn't make sense is that you did all this work to put a smile on her face but can't pick up ice cream for Law and Order night because it feels too marriage-y.
First of all, Chubby Hubby? I mean, could you pick a scarier flavor? Let's talk about this later.
I need to chaperone something.
There he is.
You know, I thought I'd be embarrassed.
Now I'm just scared.
I am seriously reconsidering how much I want this language credit.
Remember what we said? Never let him see us cry.
Okay, one, two Wait.
Keep your coats on.
We're the ones that sent the letter to Chang.
What? You work You work at Princeton? We were mad at him for humiliating you.
Well, nice fix, Tweedledum and even Tweedlerdum.
Look, we're gonna tell Chang the truth, and we'll pay the price.
We can't make you do that.
No, he's right.
First we gotta get out of these pantsuits then you can put them on.
Look, Pierce, this whole thing started because you and I were ashamed we didn't have ladies that cared about us.
And the good news is we obviously do.
The bad news is that it makes it our manly duty to protect them tonight.
Oh! That's nice but we really can't let you do that.
No, he's right.
He's right.
Step aside.
Let's handle this like men.
They're going to be okay, right? Get in my Mercedes.
Just look away, baby.
Just look away.
Looking for someone? Yeah.
Very funny.
You know, when you called me last night and invited me to the dance, I was shocked.
And thrilled.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
Uh, I don't I don't remember asking you to the dance.
I don't remember anything.
And now Slater knows about all the drunk-dialing stuff, and I'm in the doghouse.
And if she finds out about this, it's over.
So, again, I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
And you are messing with me right now, aren't you? I knew you didn't remember anything from that phone call last night.
You got dressed up just to see me sweat? Oh, believe me.
You're worth it.
Just chaperoning.
Enjoy the dance.
Wait, Michelle.
Jeff, what's left to say? Uh l I don't know.
I I do.
He said it last night.
So look, I am really into Michelle.
And I don't wanna screw it up.
She's a perfect girlfriend.
And I want you to be as happy as me because you're, like, my favorite friend, so Ha-ha-ha.
I'm sorry.
Abed just made a turtle face.
In his defense, Abed's turtle face is really funny.
Thanks, Britta.
Yeah, thanks.
That was the first 20 seconds of a 40-minute message.
Very informative.
Happy Valentine's Day, perfect boyfriend.
Yeah, that's me.
Man, I cannot wait to get out of these ridiculous outfits.
Woof! I know, yeah.
What are you doing? I'm parked over here.
Oh, uh, well Uh Heh-heh.
Come on.
Um What the hell is this? We're going to get frozen yogurt.
I'm not gay, man.
They close in seven minutes.
I could have driven you.
You said he hated fro-yo.
Just drive.
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