Community s02e01 Episode Script

And we're back.
Welcome, students, new and old , to another fall semester at Greendale.
It's time for clean slates and fresh starts.
Celebrate your fresh start tonight at the Fresh-Start Dance in the cafeteria.
The same cafeteria where Britta Perry professed her love to Jeff Winger who then walked out on her.
Unforgettable.
Plus, free punch and Fresh-Start cookies tonight at the Fresh-Start Dance.
Look at us, living together, driving to school together.
I know, we're like Batman and Shaft.
Batman actually had a guy.
His name was Robin.
He rode around with him.
Troy, Batman's friend didn't have to be Robin, he could've been Shaft, Dolemite, Leroy Brown.
Don't let society limit your people.
"Batman and Shaft," wow.
Reading Troy's Twitter where he posts everything Pierce says? Yeah, it's hilarious.
Hey.
Hello, Annie.
I like your hair.
Thank you, Abed.
You're welcome.
Jeffrey, hello.
How was your summer? I live with you.
- How was your summer? - Great.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey.
- It's good to be back here.
- I know.
Okay.
So you guys ready for whatever Anthropology is? We should wait for Britta.
Do we know she's coming back? She never returned my calls or e-mails.
Me neither.
It's not gonna be the same without her.
Did you guys see Toy Story 3? Yes.
Oh, I loved Toy Story 3.
- It was amazing, I love - Hey! Whoa! Oh! Hey, Toy Story Britta.
How's it going? Okay, yeah, yeah.
I made an ass of myself and Jeff at that dance.
I was caught up in a competition with his ex-girlfriend, and I wish I could erase the entire night.
And I owe you an apology.
I accept.
You don't owe us anything and you don't have to hide from us.
You? I'm hiding from them.
It's like high school all over again.
Psycho Britta, the walking freak show for every Barbie with a Cosmo subscription.
I don't mean to be a tool, but you embarrassed me too, so call it karma.
Boy, I hope I'm not around when you do mean to be a tool.
Let's just put this behind us and just walk to class, okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
You're Britta Perry? Yeah, what's it to you? You're the coolest.
Right.
Um At what exactly? Being fearless, honest, speaking from your heart.
"Jeff Winger, I love you.
" Right.
My heart may have overstated Do you sign stuff? - Now and again.
- Awesome.
I don't like where that's going.
I know, right? Look, um, remember the little talk we had? The one about discretion? Yes.
Stop that.
We agreed you and I kissing was a mistake.
If anyone were to find out, I would be tarred, feathered, and put on websites people check when buying a house.
It's forgotten, Jeff, jeez.
I'm not some love-struck teenybopper.
But we didn't just kiss, we Frenched.
I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of National Review.
I don't like where that's going.
Señor Chang.
Oh, wait, I guess it's not señor anymore.
What should we call you? Student Chang? Two-Credits-Into- a-Music-Major Chang? How about not calling me anything? Why are you guys in this class? We chose it together.
The real question is, why are you in it? Oh, you missed us? Don't flatter yourself.
Have you checked the course description? Ancient weaponry.
Genital mutilation.
This subject's talking my Chang-uage.
Ugh.
I don't get it.
Star-Burns has grown reliant on his sideburns but craves identity beyond them, so he added a hat.
No, what's up with Britta mania? Oh, that's even simpler.
Britta put herself out there and you walked away, making her the underdog, the Aniston.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah.
Have any hillbilly cousins? I wish, why? A wealthy uncle, or buddy that may have had a sex change? Why are you mining my life for sitcom scenarios? I'm excited about the year, looking to improve.
I'm hoping we can move away from the relationship-y stuff into fast-paced escapades.
What is it exactly that separates man from animal? Divorce.
Tools.
Like this blowgun I used to hunt monkeys with the Korubo in the Amazon.
My name is Professor June Bauer, and this semester I will guide you to the threshold of your humanity where you will lock eyes with the shrieking, blood-drenched, sister-raping beasts from which we sprang.
You will also have to make a diorama.
For your first assignment, I would like you to form tribes of no more than eight, and if you can, mix up the races.
You'll be surprised at how quickly things get awkward.
Now that Troy's off the streets and living with me, he's learning about the world.
Yeah.
Tell me again why Jewish people wear yarmulkes.
Half a hat, saves money.
Thank you.
"Half a hat"? That is so offensive.
I love Old White Man Says.
Find an eighth dork for your tribe of dorks? I think you took Anthropology because you wanna be in our group but are too proud to ask.
Keep dreaming, Winger.
Would somebody with too much pride do this? Current balance: $23.
20.
Consider yourself Chang'd.
Mac and cheese, please.
Sorry, looks like your food just walked out on you.
Same way you did Britta.
Hey, can we talk? Oh, now he wants to talk.
No, it's fine, I'll be right back.
Man, you got some passionate fans.
Eh.
It'll blow over.
Well, would you mind helping it blow over? My stock is kind of plummeting around here.
Oh, I don't mean to sound like a tool, but maybe it's karma.
I know you're excited to be popular with women, but don't get too high on your own drama.
High on my own drama?! The people's champion.
Sorry, man, I gotta go where the heat is.
Jeff Winger, you're a jerk.
She's turned every woman against me.
Not every woman, not the one that deserves to be with you.
All women deserve to be with me, and vice versa.
Granted, but who doesn't eventually settle down? I don't, and I never will.
And if I did If I did, I could beat Britta at her own game.
Oh, good.
Yeah, you better take a hike.
Do you know where the cleanest bathroom is? Teacher's lounge.
Thank you.
Don't be shy, come on up, have a sip.
The yogi of India swear by its restorative powers.
Okay, more of my urine for me.
Now for your tribe's assignment.
This box contains nine different tools, all of them important to humanity's survival.
One of them is the most important of all.
Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow is to tell me which tool that is.
Questions? I have a question.
But not for you.
It's for Britta.
Britta.
I love you.
I know this puts you in an awkwardly powerful position, but I have to know, right now, in front of everyone, do you love me too? More than anything in the world.
Really? Yeah.
So it begins.
Hmm.
The greatest relationship ever known.
This is making me sick.
I'm gonna love you forever.
Good, I'm gonna love you forever.
- I don't believe you.
- Why, don't you want me to? No, I do.
Bring it.
Doesn't it make you wanna cry? Something like that.
Excuse me.
I downloaded a song that makes me think of you.
Let's listen to it, each using one ear bud.
Would you consider spinning off with me? We could open a hair salon.
I don't understand.
Is this you being meta? I wanted to come out having adventures, like paintball.
This is boring.
- That's selfish, Abed.
- If you were a friend, you would see their relationship as an adventure.
I hadn't thought about it that way.
Oh! Look at how they walk.
Clearly, the most important tool is the cross, representing Christianity.
It's an ax.
It's an ax? Maybe the telescope.
Look through it backwards, shrink your enemies.
I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning, it's my penis.
Old White Man.
Sorry I'm late.
I was in my car loving Britta.
I just love you too much.
Not half as much as me.
Aww.
Do you think you'll marry Britta? I'd like to see someone stop me.
I just peed a little.
Then here, propose.
Oh.
I got it, I got it, got it.
Jeff Winger, will you marry me? Yeah, of course.
No problem.
No problem.
Perfect, I'll be right back.
Thank the Lord.
I was so worried about your souls, ever since you had pre-marital sex on the table.
Oh! Awesome.
You told Shirley? No need for secrecy now.
It was during the paintball game.
Was there anything you didn't win that day? Oh, my God! You slept with her and then kissed me? What? # Now they're in so deep # # You know she's such a fool for him # # She has a ring around her finger # # And Abed hired an Irish singer # # Britta's marrying, Britta's marrying Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger ## What the hell is this? A wedding episode.
Abed, there's no wedding.
Cold feet? Talk with your best man, George Clooney.
What's up? He's an impersonator.
But still razzle-dazzle, right? Abed.
Hmm? Jeff made out with Annie.
What? When? Where? Yeah, where? That's inappropriate.
I'm assuming on the mouth.
After the Transfer Dance.
I tell you that I love you, then you go and stick your tongue into a teenager? What is wrong with you, Jeffrey? Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you.
Men are monsters who crave young flesh, the end.
At least we have the decency to keep it a secret.
Instead of blurting "I love you" to everyone who sleeps with us.
Oh, please, I never loved you.
Ah-ha! I win, I win, I win.
In your face.
So this was all a game? Everything they do is some sick competition.
Like you hate competition.
How long did it take you to kiss Jeff after I told him I loved him? First Vaughn, now Jeff.
I better not smile at that wall outlet or you'll fry your tongue off! Way to hog all the girls.
When there's three doughnuts, don't eat one and lick another.
Anyone object to us being referred to as doughnuts? Sorry we can't all be as honorable as you and post Pierce quotes all day on Twitter.
Wow, is that your lame attempt to try and pass the hot seat to me? Nice try.
Wait, I'm Old White Man Says? No wonder he says everything I'm thinking.
You bastard.
I'm just sharing what you say.
Yeah, well, what if I shared all the stuff you say? He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
There's no way to disprove that.
Have you ever seen a cat penis? Where you going? By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you canceled.
Oh, good.
Yeah, Abed, cancel us.
Why don't you take your cutesy "I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you? You know, it's very "season one.
" I can tell life from TV, Jeff.
TV makes sense, it has structure, logic, rules, and likable leading men.
In life, we have this.
We have you.
Ahem.
I'm on the clock for another hour if you want me to do some Batman lines.
Not sitting with your little group? The group is done.
Yeah, well, missionary accomplished, right? What does that mean? Come on, I know you and Britta did it.
Isn't the reason you got with those people because you wanted to bang the blond? Now I hear that you Frenched the brunette.
What more could you have gotten out of that group? Good morning, class.
Let's dive in and hear the results of your assignment.
Who wants to go first? I don't know, Mr.
Winger, the last time I called on you, I kind of got what the Maku-Maku call "dirt-roaded.
" Using it.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Come on up.
It was a trick question.
The tool most important to humanity's survival wasn't any of the nine in the box.
Go on.
The most important tool is respect.
Ha! Gay.
And the reason I know respect is a tool is because it is clearly not a natural thing and we forget to use it all the time.
And then we start competing with each other, exploiting each other, humiliating each other and controlling each other.
And we lose each other.
And without each other, we'll go extinct.
And that's a fact.
Heh.
A gay fact.
That's my answer, professor.
Hmm.
Well, that's one answer.
Here's the one I had in mind.
Combining all nine tools, you get this, a deadlier weapon than any one item in the box.
So I'm gonna use this to attack you, and you use respect to defend yourself.
Uh Oh Uh - Oh, my God.
- Jeffrey.
I respect you.
That's why you fail.
- Oh, my God.
- Jeffrey.
He's passing out.
Stay with us, buddy.
Hello.
Oh, thank God.
What happened? Professor Bauer got suspended, and we got an A on our assignment.
Did someone throw urine in my face? I surprise myself under pressure.
Jeff, about the assignment, we decided you had the right answer.
We need more respect and a little less passion.
Which will be easy because I think you're gross now.
Awesome.
I'm gonna delete that Twitter account.
Your friendship is more important than 600,000 strangers.
Whoa, whoa.
Are you saying 600,000 people read what I say on Twitter? Well, we gotta cash in on that.
How about Old White Man Says, the TV Show? - No.
- Who would watch that? Speaking of bad development strategy, I owe you an apology.
I was trying so hard to make our week great, I didn't realize something great.
An old woman drinking her own pee.
You're right.
That's true.
Guys? I took Anthropology because I wanna be a part of your study group.
Now I gotta do the honest thing and just ask.
Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang? Uh Look, we've been through a lot today.
Give us a little time to think it over.
Totally, man.
Just think about it.
Take your time and let me know.
Bye.
See you, Chang.
Bye.
Aww.
Poor guy.
We'll let him in eventually.
Says who? We have the strength to survive anything.
What's the worst that can happen? Yeah, that's true.
Good point.
I told you they hate you.
No, they said they just needed more time.
Time? They destroyed your life.
How much time before we take revenge? But they're my friends.
I'm your only friend.
No.
No.
No! # Kingdom: Animalia Phylum: Chordata # # The class is # # Mammalia # # 'Cuz boobies we gotta # # Order is Primate Family: Hominidae # # The genus is # # Homo # # But you know you're into me # # Because I am in the species Known as Sapien # # Dogs used to eat me But now they bring the paper in # # It's gonna take a lot To get me away from you # # Damn, damn # # There's nothing that a hundred men Or more could ever do # # Sapien # # I bless the rains down in Africa # # Oh, bless the rains # # I bless the rains down in Africa # # I bless the rains down in Africa # # Africa ##