Community s03e02 Episode Script

Geography of Global Conflict

By the end of WWII President Roosevelt had finally succumbed to the polio that afflicted him his entire life.
Which brings me to the Yalta Conference.
Who can tell me three key points brought up there? Annie.
The demilitarization of Germany-- I'm sorry.
Annie Kim.
The demilitarization of Germany, the establishment of Poland's borders and the formation of the United Nations.
Side note: The results of Yalta would later set the stage for the Cold War.
Oh, boy, spoiler alert.
Somebody just won a ride in the wheelchair.
I'm proud of you for deciding on a major, Britta.
I'd like to thank the lord in my prayers about you, but you're still dressing like a streetwalker.
Yep, I'm getting serious.
I got a backpack, I got a new notebook.
Oh, I got one of those see-through yellow pens so I can do that thing where you color in the words.
Highlight? Probably the backpack.
Free the damascus three.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, whoa.
I know this girl.
We used to protest together all the time and now she's locked up in Syria.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yes, it's terrible.
She's imprisoned by an oppressive regime halfway around the world and I'm, what? In college? Where are my values? Man, she's got a Facebook group? My first cop flashlight.
Can't wait to get some brains on this bad boy.
Are you safe, ma'am? Everything okay? Is this guy bothering you? - Huh? Huh? - Hey! Who the hell do you think you are? The badge says to serve and protect! No, it doesn't.
"How's my smile?" Oh, man.
What the hell am I in charge of? See this garbage can? Students coming out of the library bump into it.
You can serve and protect them from a nasty boo-boo.
What do I do if I see a crime? What a security guard does-- Call a cop.
Where'd you even get these? - Come on, let me keep them.
- No.
Please? I swear they're just for sex! We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away And this ragtag group of cut-ups is my study group.
Gang, this is Annie Kim from my Poli-Sci class.
We just figured out we had the same G.
in high school.
Well, mine was higher if you consider my school's ranking.
Well, it sounds like you had a lighter course load, so.
Well, I was in a lot of clubs.
I founded 17 of them.
Well, I was actually thinking about founding a model U.
here at Greendale.
Any interest? I'll probably be busy, and you probably need to study, so see you in class.
Okay, goodbye.
Wow, Annie.
How progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin.
An Asian Annie.
Obama's America.
Her name is Annie Kim, and she's not evil.
She's my friend.
Didn't look like it.
Yeah, you seemed pretty competitive with her.
You be careful, Annie.
They are ruthless.
What? [Gasping.]
What? Not Asians.
I'm not competing with her.
I find her adorable.
She's like a younger me.
You mean the younger you that took so much Adderall she tried to straighten the lines on our high school football field during a game? Ooh, be careful, Annie.
You don't want this little girl to suck you back to the dark side.
Hey, guys, what're you trying to do here? This is our Annie.
That little twerp is a can of Annie lite.
She couldn't hold a candle to the real thing in any category of anything.
Aw, well, I wasn't fishing for that.
You're the best, kiddo.
You know what else was the best? The rainforests.
Too bad the fascist oligarchies are raping them to make hamburgers.
Look it up.
Looks like someone woke up on the regular side of the bed.
Britta's just having a rough time because her friend's in prison.
I went to her Facebook page.
It says she was tear-gassed and possibly beaten.
I haven't been tear-gassed in so long.
Well, you're on a new path now.
Oh, goody, a new path.
Is it lined with credit cards and flat screen TVs? Does it go by an Ikea? Maybe I don't want a new path! Or any path.
Maybe my path is a war path that leads to the terrordome, n-words! Okay, maybe I went too far.
Maybe I don't want to offend my African-American friends, but the larger point is, maybe I'm not done raging against the machine.
Raging against the what? That sounds dangerous.
Don't worry.
She'll be bad at it.
Keep clear of the can.
Sir, step around the can.
Mind the can, student.
[Dramatic music.]
Hello is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes You just got yourself a warning.
I piss warnings, pig.
You're all I ever wanted [Gags.]
And that's how we do that.
Hey! I got my eye on you, missy.
You okay, kiddo? Yeah, yeah.
You know what's funny? This is so silly.
Remember little Annie Kim from Poli-Sci? Boy, she just took my model U.
idea and just [Chuckles.]
She is quite the little go-getter.
Wait, what? She stole your idea? Sneak attack.
That's just like-- Not women, Asians.
Well, the real important thing is that there is a model U.
It doesn't really matter who starts it.
It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her résumé.
And lead the Greendale team to the national model U.
, and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros Ghali, and Will.
Boutros Boutros Ghali? I'm gonna find this little brat's off-switch.
Jeff! He's just being protective.
I'll stop him.
I am so excited that we finally have a model U.
here at Greendale.
I am really, really, really, really, really, really into model U.
They used to call me model U.
guy back in college.
Well, that's not-- don't research that.
The important thing here is that I am really-- Pardon me, Professor Cligoris.
Cligoris? Either pronunciation is fine? Are you here for the model U.
? I'm here to tell you that the entire idea to have a model U.
was hers.
Really? So you're Clark M.
So I've had your photo around my neck since I was in high school.
I'm talking about the Greendale model U.
My Annie gave this other Annie the idea and the diabolical little b--usybody stabbed her in the back.
It's childish.
Honestly I'm just happy there is a model U.
Annie, is this true? I recall other Annie mentioned the concept, but she certainly didn't take the initiative to find a faculty advisor.
I didn't know that all you had to do was call dibs.
I'm not calling dibs.
Because I'm not a petty competitive child that steals ideas.
I simply refuse to acknowledge the authority of your criminal model U.
So don't recognize it.
It still exists.
Oh, then Annie'll just start her own model U.
Yeah, for grown-ups.
Well, I still don't recognize it.
Well, it exists, baby! I'm sorry, I don't understand your relationship here.
Is he your father or your lover? - [Gasps.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There can only be one model U.
that officially represents this school so let's take our foot off the crazy pedal for just a moment here.
There's only one rational way to settle this.
A head-to-head model U.
Battle Royale, the rules to which I would have to spend the evening devising.
We'll have the competition tomorrow in the cafeteria at 7:00 P.
May the most United Nations win.
- Fair enough.
- Totally fair.
I'll see you in the fair papers, other Annie.
Oh, and you were asking what our relationship is? - We're friends.
- Yeah.
- Good friends.
- Grown-up friends.
- Yeah.
- So.
We're friendly.
So, the key to winning this thing is when in doubt, agree with Annie.
That's sweet, Jeff.
But everyone should just have fun.
Then again, what's more fun than winning? [Laughter.]
I'm offended you would single me out.
Did you read up on your country's info-packet? Yes.
Somalia has 1,900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place, and all the guns and wives you can afford to buy.
Why have I never heard of this paradise before? I studied up on my country.
Is it okay if we do accents, sugar? Troy, Georgia the country, not the state.
That's right.
Capital city Tbilisi, and former member of the Soviet Union.
And we kindly request y'all mind your Ps and Qs.
Welcome to the world's first ever model U.
You will each be scored on your U.
's ability to pass resolutions, follow procedure, and maintain order.
The end goal, of course, total world peace.
Any questions? Does two U.
s mean there are two earths? Uh, yeah.
Sure, two earths.
Parallel earths in different galaxies or identical earths in parallel dimensions? The latter one.
Well, what does that say about free will? Abed! Professor-- Right, yeah, let's begin.
Ready, set, peace.
[Bell rings.]
Crisis alert.
A civil war has broken out in Ethiopia.
Rebel forces have seized the grain supply, creating a humanitarian disaster.
Okay, cool heads, everyone.
America proposes a U.
peacekeeping force of Uruguay agrees.
Ooh, uh, China, too.
Georgia--the country-- is much obliged.
There's gonna be refugees.
Who can take refugees? The great country of Somalia.
This gem, this Shangri-La graciously invites the Ethiopian refugees to enjoy safe lodging and cool ocean breezes on its sand-swept beaches.
Okay, we're rolling.
Switzerland proposes a peace summit.
Good idea, Switzerland.
And maybe at the peace summit we can discuss the possibility of opening a portal to Earth II.
Can we put a pin in that, Switzerland? Earth II is out there, can't ignore it forever.
Well, China has money.
Does anybody want some? Yes! The United States proposes using China's money to fund agricultural programs to support Ethiopia's sustainable farms.
Which should promote economic development and security.
All in favor? It's unanimous.
Good resolving, blue U.
You really covered all the bases.
We have a unanimous decision as well.
Then after one round, we are tied.
Looks like both U.
s are experts at fostering unity.
- Crap.
- Damn it.
[Bell rings.]
Crisis alert.
Russia This is what the United Nations is doing to your freedom.
I'm your freedom! And I'm in a cage.
With the world! Because of them! I thought I'd find you here.
What are you gonna do, lock me up? Just give me a reason.
I'll give you a reason! [Lionel Ritchie's Hello.
Whoa! [Yells.]
That's it, you're coming with me.
Hello is it me you're looking for He's pulling my cage.
I'm being pulled in my cage for no reason! Is anybody seeing this? Is the world seeing this? Are we facebooking this? Crisis alert! A tsunami has hit Vietnam.
Massive--crisis alert, famine in Ghana-- crisis alert--tuberculosis outbreak--crisis alert! Humanitarian aid.
We further resolve-- - Disarmament treaty.
- Crisis alert! To help women and children get through famines.
Save the orphans.
Loose nukes-- sinkhole-- North Korea-- the prime minister in exile! Military coup! The tropical paradise of Somalia graciously yields.
- China will pay.
- Gooder than grits.
Switzerland is very concerned about Earth II.
Uruguay agrees.
Uruguay sounds like "you're a gay.
" Backyard barbecue! Uruguay kindly requests that Somalia stop pronouncing it "you're a gay.
" - Hereditary monarchy! - Resolved.
- Graft and corruption.
- Resolved.
Crisis alert! All: Resolved.
Looking good, blue U.
Getting very close to world peace.
That's my girl.
You are kicking ass.
All right, guys, this is the home stretch.
All we gotta do is focus.
Oh! Damn, Pierce.
Ooh, that wasn't me.
I don't smell anything-- whup, I just got it.
Oh, it's in my mouth.
Guys, come on, focus.
Like adults.
We're gonna lose a point if we don't get through this.
Get through it? It's almost a solid.
[Bell rings.]
Crisis alert.
A genocidal dictator in Laos-- Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that.
Okay, so, looking at Turkey, what can you do? So let me get this straight.
You're bringing her in here for "making a mess.
" I did more than make a mess.
I turned your whole system inside out.
And I shut her down.
Young lady, you spilled paint on a globe.
You're as much a criminal as this idiot is a cop.
None whatsoever.
Okay, but, um, she's going to do something illegal.
Aren't you? Is that true? Do you, Britta Perry, have any intentions of breaking any laws ever? I-I- Oh, my God.
No, it's not that simple.
I have a life now.
I have a major and-- Get out please.
I have highlighters.
Get out! Okay, I know you've got a lot on your mind right now.
But somebody broke that thing that comes down from the parking booth.
You know the thing that comes down, keeps thecars from coming in.
The thing.
It's like a gate, but it's just a stick.
Comes down, from a hinge.
Keeps the cars out.
Goes up and down 90 degrees.
The arm? [Clucks tongue.]
Ooh, point goes to red team.
How is this still happening? I can't remember what regular air smells like.
Do something or we're gonna lose.
Guys, this is important to Annie.
So whoever actually died a few months ago, 'fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.
Jeff! Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.
, much like the real U.
, quickly falls apart when faced with actual-- Noooooo! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface! I'm better than you! Annie, stop.
You're acting like a little schoolgirl and not in a hot way.
Uh, that made me sound creepy.
But--but here's the thing.
Don't look at me.
If embarrassment were bountiful zinc deposits, I'd be Zambia.
There's nothing to be Zambia about, Annie.
This is all my fault.
I pushed you into competing with other Annie.
Are you kidding me? I practically ran to you with that flier.
I wanted to destroy her.
All because I can't handle the thought of anyone getting more gold stars than me.
I'm such a child.
You're not.
Listen, when you really hate someone the way you hate Annie Kim, or when you feel the way I feel about you, the easy loophole through the creepiness and danger is to treat them like a child.
"A chip off the old block, you're the best, kiddo.
" It's a crutch.
It's a way for me to tell you how important you are from a distance.
But now you're becoming this mature, self-possessed, intelligent young woman, and I can't keep patting you on the head or talking down to you.
But I like how close we are.
I don't want to grow up if it means losing what we have.
Well, tough, Annie.
You have to grow up because the world needs more women like you.
Can't keep doing this forever, kiddo.
Can't we? - Nope.
I can't, no.
- Nope, that's gross.
That feels gross.
Well, I better go check on the group.
If they haven't left already.
I'll follow you.
From a respectable distance.
Guys? I'm sorry I put you through that.
And I know it doesn't make up for what happened, but would it help if I said I farted? Annie, no.
I can't let you fall on that sword because I farted.
No, I farted.
I farted.
Guys, I wasn't doing the Spartacus thing.
I farted.
No, seriously, I-- We all farted.
Oh, you guys! - Annie - I'm farting now.
Wait, why are you still here? Abed may have figured out a way we can still win.
Really? How? It's simple, really.
First we [Whispering.]
Abed, what did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense.
No one's cutting away.
Okay, fine, here's my actual plan.
What is that? It's from Britta.
She's promising to disrupt the modelU.
She says she's gonna cause a disruption that, while not completely illegal, should be a real concern to campusSecurity! Oh, no.
Maybe we should call the real cops.
You know, back in the '80s, I had this real piece of work protestor, used to always give me trouble.
You know what happened to her? She incited a riot at the W.
Got choked until she passed out.
By some real cop with a real billyclub.
Sometimes I wonder, you know? Well, what are you waiting for? Go show that hippie how the world really works.
Aren't you forgetting something? All in favor? Aye? Could you morons say aye any slower? Come on.
[Garbled alien noises.]
[Clicks tongue.]
- Greetings, people of Earth II.
- What is this? We represent the United Nations from Earth I.
Using our Switzerland's hadron collider and resources from every nation, the people of our planet have constructed a trans-dimensional gateway here.
They can't do this.
The science works out.
- Yes.
- [Gasps.]
We come to you with an offer.
We he achieved world peace, tying our score with yours.
But we are willing to concede our victory if you agree conceding yours, forming one gigantic United United Nations.
We did it.
You're a fool.
Your ultimatum is itself a technical act of aggression.
If we simply refuse to recognize your authority, we still remain ahead and you lose.
But you win a simple game.
The larger symbolic victory will be ours.
Oh la la.
We refuse.
I'll take the real victory.
A logical, effective, common sense move, Annie Kim.
One which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself, a fundamentally symbolic organization founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures.
Blue U.
[Gibberish chanting.]
What the hell are you doing? Nothing.
And you can't do anything to stop me.
Did someone say "can't do anything"? [Lionel Ritchie's Hello.
Hello is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile you're all I've ever wanted [Electricity crackles.]
And my arms are open wide 'cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do Oh, that's-- that's nice.
No? And I want to tell you so much I knew you'd come.
- You're so busted.
- [Spits.]
I love you [Mouthing.]
I told you to stop playing Operation on me! I'm not your damn board game! At least you didn't get my spare ribs.

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