Community s03e07 Episode Script

I'm so glad you're moving out of this neighborhood Annie.
Some dude peed on my car while I was parking it.
Oh, you met spaghetti! - Yeah, I won't miss him.
- Speaking of missing people, how did Jeff dodge this bulletOf friendship.
He said he was under the weather.
- Pshaw! - Thanks for helping.
Can you imagine how much fun this is gonna be? Me living with Troy and Abed? Yeah, there'll be a honeymoon phase, but it won't be long till you hate their guts.
What's this whittle guy's name? I'll never hate Troy and Abed.
Oh, my God, I forgot.
You're 20.
Don't worry.
It's natural.
When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that make you want to smother them with a pillow.
But That's unacceptable to me.
ThenI'm lying? Forgetting something? Yeah.
Yeah, like I'm gonna get sick of this.
Wh-what wh-what? We're here to help you move on the dance floor.
- Nice! Tweet it! - Tweeting it.
- What are you tweeting? - Everything.
We're live tweeting Annie's move on Twitter.
Hashtag #Annie'sMove.
How fun.
How was I supposed to know it was a handicap space? Because the man in the wheelchair was yelling it.
Oh, yeah, and he doesn't have an agenda.
Hold it.
- Where's Winger? - Sick.
Pshaw! Yeah, I'm calling him.
Hello? So you're sick, huh? That's what they tell me.
Cut the wit, Winger.
Where are you, The Gap or Banana Republic? Well, Britta, you got me all figured out.
Well I can tell you're not in bed.
That's right, Britta.
I'm pretending to be violently ill to avoid lifting a few boxes.
Because I'm 13.
And who's your primary care physician, Mr.
Winger? Uh, Dr.
Schroeder.
S-c-h.
Um, do you want to see my insurance card? Please.
Wait, are you at a hospital? No, I'm at The Gap.
You hear that? That's not a heart monitor.
It's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.
Dr.
Tarpenian to radiology, Dr.
Tarpenian.
Crap, I- I'm sorry.
I just assumed-- Whatever.
I don't blame you.
I've lied before.
It's probably karma that I'm sick.
But believe me, if you had what I have, you'd rather be moving boxes.
Okay, feel better.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'll see you guys on Monday.
You are fantastic.
So are you.
What are you doing after this? Probably trying a couple of boot-cuts.
But after that Maybe, like, a blazer? Give me some rope, time in a tree give me the hope to run out of steam somebody said we could be here we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away How are we out of packing tape? I don't know.
I think I left some in the bathroom.
Nope, uh, nothing in here.
You guys! You used all of it? I had a big breakfast.
Nice.
Tweeting it! Okay, there might be a slight danger I will end up hating them.
Man children Can't live with them, can't leave them alone with your tape.
Britta, don't make jokes.
You're bad at it.
Also, I can't afford to live anywhere else.
And everything is riding on this, and I'm out of tape-- Annie, listen.
Breathe.
When I was in Amsterdam, I met this guy who ate too many shrooms and fell out of a window at the Anne Frank house.
Oh, no, no, he's fine.
The doctor said that the drugs made his body just limp enough to keep him from breaking his neck.
Britta, I don't see what your taste in men has to do with my situation.
What I'm saying, Annie, is that if you're gonna live with two guys like that, you've gotta learn to go limp.
Loosey-goosey.
Shake it all up.
- Limp - Loosey-goosey.
Okay New Annie.
Going with the flow.
Loosey-goosey-- Is it loosey-goosey or goosey-loosey? Is that hyphenated? You know what? Don't tell me.
I don't need to know.
BroHeim.
Okay, go.
- Aah! - Didn't feel it.
What a fun use you found for my bubble wrap.
I know! We have to sell this to the military.
Yeah, baby.
Yah, babuh.
Here's the other tape gun.
Think fast! Ooh! You broke my pluggy thing.
No worries.
That's what the security deposit is for.
Hashtag #ThatIsAll.
Oh no, you're not letting some slumlord take your hard-earned money.
I'll fix it.
I used to do that kind of thing all the time - when I was a slumlord.
- Really, Pierce? My landlord's coming by to do the inspection at 5:00.
Do you think you're gonna have it done by then? Easy peasy, George and Weezie.
This is probably the last that'll fit in our car.
I'll help you.
But not in an uptight way.
I'm very concerned about this living situation.
I mean, I've seen enough episodes of Friends to know that cohabitation leads to sex, drugs and something a parade magazine called Schwimmer-fatigue.
Good for you, Shirley.
What's the saying? If you can't stop 'em, judge 'em? Well, somebody's gotta be this group's moral compass.
And that somebody has to be you, right? Because by moral compass, you mean Shirley's religion.
Well Want a ride? Well, if this is a forecast of the conversation, I will ride with somebody else.
Don't worry, Shirley.
Keep me company while I fix this and I'll give you a ride over there.
Britta! Well, hey there, stranger! What a coincidence, huh? This is just like that, uh, Lake House movie.
I can only assume.
Even I have limits.
Dean Pelton.
Jeff, it's Saturday.
Call me Craig.
Off campus, I'm just a craigular Joe.
Ooh, what'd you get? Ah, now I feel like I have to head back out there.
Dean--uh, Craig, it's nice to see you but I actually have to run.
Oh, yeah, you're probably heading to help Annie move.
Right? Oh, I follow Troy and Abed on Twitter.
Looks like Annie's moving and you're Sick at the hospital? Curious.
I might head there myself.
I could tell them you said hi.
I'd rather you didn't.
Well, maybe I won't have time.
Especially if we're doing Lunch? Yeah, but your religion isn't the same as morality.
And calling me amoral because I'm atheistic is religious persecution.
How can I religiously persecute you? You don't have a religion.
Oh, look! A hitchhiker.
A person in need.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing? I'm pulling over to help him out.
Do not help him out.
Why, because it proves the existence of secular morality? No, because he looks stinky.
Judge not, Shirley.
Judge not.
I really appreciate it, thank you.
Where are you headed, fellow human? Riverside Falls? That's 40 minutes away.
Oh, I guess I'm just a really good person.
I knew you were.
I could see the kindness in your faces.
I assume you've both accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior? Oh, that's nice.
Ow! Needed a coat of paint anyway.
Welcome, Annie, to your new home.
OkayTo reacquaint you, there's the bathroom, kitchen, and, of course, our bedroom.
And if the room's a rockin' please come a knockin' because there's something probably terribly wrong.
Yeah, we're pretty chill in there.
Mm-hmm, now let's go see your room.
What's that? That is your room.
You said this was a two bedroom.
It is, one, two.
Yours is a blanket fort.
An awesome blanket fort.
But still highly flammable so no candles.
What do you think? - Tweet it? - Tweeting it! I am not surprised you're so taken aback.
This apartment is where dreams come true.
We spent our whole lives being told that blanket forts are only for special occasions, like sleepovers or when uncles die.
But that's a lie, Annie.
You can live in a fort of blankets all day, every night.
It's so awesome.
I'm surprised you guys haven't chosen to live in one.
Well, we'll be spending enough time in yours.
I mean, it's where we're gonna watch tv.
Right.
Uh, what's that door over there? That's not a bedroom? - No.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Is it a linen closet? Something like that.
What's a linen closet? A siesta salad and an iced tea.
Excelente.
And for you? Ahem.
- The gentleman - Oh will have a top notch-os and a watermelon Margarita.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
So, any brothers or sisters? And we'll take the check too.
Oh! What's the rush? We're eating lunch, and then I'm leaving.
Okay.
I just hope that I don't bump into your study group on Monday.
And I pray they don't ask me who I saw at the mall on Saturday.
Because, unlike a certain someone, I just don't think I could lie to those sweet people.
Dean, this is blackmail.
Ah! Call me Craig.
And call blackmail "a day at the mall with Craig.
" Because that's all I require, Jeffrey.
You and I are going to have some fun.
And create a few memories.
And I suggest you get into it.
Because that counts.
A song for the señor, señor? Adiós amores.
Oh, what a surprise.
Mmm! Jeez.
This is actually quite calming for some reason.
And that's when I realized I had to forgive them.
That's a beautiful story.
So inspiring how he came to find the lord.
- Isn't it, Britta? - Yeah, yeah.
Well, I didn't exactly have to find the lord.
He was inside me.
Amen! What's your name, friend? - Jesus.
- Oh.
Are you Latino? No, my child.
I am him.
You're what now? I am the one true son of God.
I was sent here to save humanity.
Oh, no.
Well, it is a pleasure to have you in my car, Jesus.
Britta, stop.
It's not funny now.
Hey Jesus, just curious, what's your position on marijuana? It was given to us by God.
It should be legal.
Oh, that's nice.
Hear me, hear me! Presenting the real-life fairy tale of how princess Annie was saved from bad neighborhood forest by woodsman Troy.
And Bebad, his emotionally unavailable unicorn.
Brought to you by the girl-yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis uses to poop.
There's a package of it in the fridge as a welcoming gift.
Now, once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Annie.
Hi.
Who was harassed every day by Count Spaghetti.
The evil cracksmith who lived outside of her building.
Whoa! I just stand here? Oh, come on, Jeffrey.
Get in here! This is gonna be fun! Or else.
So we just punch in the numbers? That's right.
Okay, you know this one, Jeff.
We've sang it a thousand times together in my mind.
Huh, huh? Oh come on, Jeffrey.
Make or break time.
Unless you want to be back here next Saturday.
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea you became the light on this dark side of me and now that your Rose is in bloom a light hits the gloom on the grave Jesus loves marijuana Jesus loves marijuana Amen.
Jesus loves marijuana and drinking human blood, oh baby I compare you to a kiss from the Rose on a grave ooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, yeah now that your Rose is in bloom a light hits the gloom on the grave Ah! That was great.
Yeah, might have been a little fun.
Huh, see? And you emailed your therapist that you wanted to be alone this weekend.
What? Hmm? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now, with your permission, I'd like to sing a little song about race-mixing.
This one's called "Don't You Do It.
" Get out! Ah, good evening, senator.
Any requests? What do you want to do next? I paid for a full hour, so-- I email my therapist from my Greendale account.
The same account where I received an email from physique25 telling me about today's sale.
Is that why you're at the mall? You read student emails? Oh, oh, now the patriot act says I can do it, Jeffrey Technically.
Need I remind you the nation is at war-- Ow! - I'll kill you.
- No, Jeffrey, no! Jeffrey, Jeffrey come on! Just remember, we were making memories! No, Jeffrey, no! Aah! No, Jeffrey! No, no, it's too violent! You're scaring me! Don't let the terrorists win! And then the three of them lived happily ever after! And Bebad became the little dipper.
The end.
- Kiss me, woodsman Troy! - Mwah! You guys! Living here is gonna be fun all the time.
Let's make the entire apartment a fort.
I'll get more blankets.
This is a space we reserved for virtual adventures.
Like a playroom but only works in our minds.
We call it the dreamatorium.
Butit's a bedroom.
No, no.
There's only two bedrooms, including the blanket fort.
This is the Dreamatorium.
All day, I've been jumping through hoops to fit in.
Including the literal hoops you put in front of the toilet.
- Yes.
- And you guys are hoarding this second bedroom as some kind of playroom? And making me sleep on a pile of laundry? Hey, we worked hard on that.
And it's a blanket fort.
It's an asylum for half-witted children! As the only adult in this apartment, I am making an ultimatum.
Me or this Stupid dreamatorium.
Dreamatorium is non-negotiable.
Read the lease.
Especially the part we added in crayon.
You don't wanna take this to court.
Trust us, this place can be a courtroom in the blink of an eye.
This doesn't work for me.
From the minute I joined the study group I've been worried about how uptight I am and how I'm no fun.
And then I was worried that I wouldn't fit in here or be able to hang with you guys.
But you know what? Why don't you ever ask yourselves whether you can hang with me? Why am I always the one that has to adapt? I'm sick of this crap! Enjoy your stupid dreamatorium.
We will! Because this is our apartment too! And just because we're awesome doesn't mean we're not adults! Candy cigarette? I don't want a candy cigarette.
- I want our Annie.
- Yeah, we blew it.
I picked the wrong week to quit.
What the hell is this? In security deposit terms, it's a gold mine.
And you're lucky it's only gonna cost you money.
Your friend nearly killed himself.
Yeah, that's me.
Lucky Annie.
I'm really sorry, Annie.
I had some island girls over and one of them must have slipped me a Mickey.
I'm just glad you're okay.
You can pay me back by helping me get all my stuff from Troy and Abed's.
You're moving again? How long was I out? Is napster still a thing? You've been out long enough for me to realize that I'm gonna need to keep living alone.
Come on.
Let's get you cleaned up.
Oh, what the hell? I have brain damage.
Nothing I do counts.
Where is all my stuff? Troy, Abed? It's all yours.
We're sorry.
Sometimes we get stuck in our own little world.
And then in that world, we make even littler worlds.
And sometimes there are tunnels between those worlds.
Or a subway.
One time a snake.
We're sorry.
Do you like it? Of course, I do.
It's perfect.
I mean, I can rearrange the throw pillows.
You have them arranged by size instead of color, but-- What did I say? But what about the dreamatorium? Oh, it's staying.
The dreamatorium is more important than any of us.
But you're more important than our bedroom, so we put the bunk bed in the blanket fort.
This is all gay code.
You sure I'm worth it? Yeah, there's a couple of things that we were hoping that you'd help us with.
Yes, like where does the water go in the iron? And what's the iron for? And what gets out kool-aid stains? Yeah, we already know that the opposite color kool-aid doesn't work.
Also, Troy scraped me when we were fork-jousting last week and I don't think it's healing right.
- Oh, Abed, that's infected.
- Ew! Infected.
That's the word I was looking for.
- Hi, guys.
- I thought you were sick.
I wasn't.
I kind of made it up to get out of helping.
Oh, that's okay.
- It is? - Yeah, it is.
Oh, hey, Jeff, did you know that when it snows my eyes become large? and the light that you shine can be seen He tweeted it? - baby - He tweeted it! A kiss from a Rose on the grave and now that your Rose is in bloom a light hits the gloom on the grave - Oh, look out, asteroids! - That was close.
Thanks for getting us to planet Greendalia safely, horsebot 3000.
- Well-- - Oh, no! Greendalia has been overrun by evil King Blorgon! - Look out, Troyborg! - Pew pew pew! Ah! I'm dead.
Horsebot 3000, no! I love you! I am King Blorgon.
And my plan is to blow up the world! Your lasers are useless against me.
Aim for his butt.
It's his only weakness.
- Pew pew! - Bam bam! - Aah! - We did it! Peace and tranquility have been restored to Greendalia.
And all thanks to horsebot 3000.
He belongs to the stars now.
All right, five more minutes and we should probably put a stop to this, right? Jeff, are you-- I liked horsebot 3000.