Community s04e01 Episode Script

Troy and Abed back from summer Wait a minute.
Something's changed.
There's 12 additional thumbtacks on that board.
They're driving me crazy.
No, I meant this.
Trying out the hipster look.
It's cool, but also not.
Hey, guys, have a good summer? Take them off.
Happy first day of school.
Oh.
Good morning.
I brought brownies.
Oh.
Congratulations, it's me.
Huh.
I see we've all reinvented ourselves over the summer.
A little late to the hipster party much? A little much on the "much" much? We should get to class.
Where's Pierce? I don't know.
Hey-o.
Sorry, I'm late.
Damn Mexican cleaning woman did a cha-cha on my glasses so I gotta wear this old pair.
Abed.
Abed.
Abed.
Yeah? Did you go to your happy place? Yeah.
Did you envision a babbling brook like I described? I started with a babbling brook, then layered in elements from our world.
I'm sure fans of the brook will complain, but it was limiting.
Keep it simple.
It was a babbling brook.
Okay.
Here's the deal, Jessica Biel.
The first day of senior year is emotional for everyone so I hereby therapize you to go to your happy place whenever you feel stressed.
I found my lucky notebook.
Found my lucky charm.
Abed, you ready for our last first day of school? Are you ready, buddy? I just need a minute.
This is my show It's about me And all my friends on Abed TV My happy place Nothing but fun Nothing but laughs and smiles And then we rerun For those times When life's too hard to face I'll find some happy In my happy place Abed's Happy Community College Show is filmed before a live audience inside of my head.
I can't believe we're getting into this class.
I can't believe there's a History of Ice Cream.
Seniors.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey.
There they are.
I missed you guys.
Oh.
Seniors.
Oh! Speaking of seniors, I've decided I'm gonna do senioritis this year.
You know, just hanging out and blowing off classes, pullin' pranks, not saying my G's.
Ooh.
I'll pull some pranks with you.
Okay.
Or Jeff or whoever.
You know, whoever's around, whatever.
Abed, we're still doing our first-day-of-school tradition? You know it.
We make wishes in the fountain.
Aww.
Fellas, I hate to tell you, wishes aren't real.
If you want something bad, you have to work for it.
Or use a spell.
All of our wishes come true.
Last year, Troy wished we got Bin Laden and the Dorito taco.
But Obama got credit for both.
Could you wish for Jeff to be on time? No.
No wasting wishes on impossibilities.
We have to make this year count, especially since it's the last one.
Oh, no.
Is all this for The History of Ice Cream? Overbooked.
It's first come, first serve now.
Just like real ice cream.
Guys, over here.
Oh, Jeffrey.
Jeff.
Jeff, I can't believe that you came early.
Don't you read Garrett's Twitter? He posted a crisis alert about it.
I came early to save seats.
Oh, you know what, girls? I gave you the old flyer.
Instagram for Besties is in Room 44.
Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger? Don't ruin it by approving it.
Oh, so that's progressed.
I mean, it's progressed, but it hasn't "progressed" progressed.
It's progressive.
Good luck, Troy.
Hey.
You can't just walk in here.
I've been pissing in jars for an hour trying to keep this seat.
Leonard, keep those-- Yes.
All right, all right, all right.
Simmer dean.
This can't be good.
He's dressed as himself.
Greendale's registration system has been hacked.
That's right.
Someone hacked into the supply closet and counterfeited these History of Ice Cream admission cards.
Whoever did this is very good.
There is only one fair way to solve this.
So follow me to The Hunger Deans.
Ha-ha-ha.
Thank you.
Thank you.
There are 35 tests of strength and agility.
The winner of each one of these contests will be awarded a red rubber ball.
No ball, no ice cream.
And these are impossible to counterfeit because each one has been marked by my distinct bite print.
Oh, Lord, no.
Yeah.
We need to take this class.
It's the only history credit this semester.
Whatevs.
We'll take it next semes.
Ter.
Semester.
But I need it now.
Okay.
I took some extra classes online and I'm one history credit away from graduating.
Jeff, you're graduating early? Well, graduating after 30 can't be characterized as early.
When were you gonna tell us? I was working on a speech.
Believe me, it tied in a lot of things.
There was a lot of resolutions and epiphanies.
It would have gone down a lot better after we had taken the ice cream class together.
That's why you held our seats, your own selfish reasons.
No, I want us to take the class together.
I just want it to be the last class we take together.
I should've phrased that differently.
Win your ball.
What do I care? I've got a senior prank to pull.
Shirley.
Mm-hm.
Abed, ready to make some wishes? Make chocolate hot dogs a reality? Go with Britta.
I'll just hang out here and watch.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm fine.
F- I-N-E or F-Y-N-E? We made one of them a code for "not fine.
" F- Y-N-E.
Okay, he's fine.
Let's go.
See you around, old Jeff.
No, new Jeff.
New Jeff does not just look out for himself.
New Jeff is gonna win seven red balls.
Because he is not gonna take that class unless you guys are with me.
Look, we're gonna have to leave this place sometime.
Like an ice cream cone melting in the sun, our time here can't last forever.
That was part of the speech I was writing.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Just making plans for the future.
Can't stay at Greendale forever.
Hey, is mine different than yours? Look out below.
Coming in for a Ian-dean.
Amelia Earhart? Close.
I am America's sexiest aviator, Leo DiCaprio.
And just as his character lost his mind so have I lost your student records.
What? I can't believe it.
Yeah, Amelia Earhart would have been faster.
As you know, our student records are stored on a Microsoft Paint file, which I was assured was future-proof.
Meanwhile, our extended warranty is not being honored by the restaurant that used to be Circuit City.
But I think the fairest way to handle this is to have everyone repeat the last three years.
You can't be serious.
In-dean, I am.
We're gonna be here forever.
Forever.
I'm gonna stay in here forever.
Gentlemen and ladies.
My first red ball is way up high.
To touch my ball, first touch the sky.
Go.
Give it up, Leonard.
I'm gonna eat your ice cream, Winger.
Ugh! You? You're premed.
I want ice cream.
Yeah, well, I wanna graduate with dignity.
Come over.
Jeff's really going after that ball.
There's gotta be a joke in there somewhere.
That's my first ball.
New Jeff.
Give me a minute.
Give me a minute.
This one! This one! Whew.
Ha-ha-ha.
No.
If we're doing the first three years over again, I could change majors.
I've always been curious about forensics.
Did you know you could major in antics? You need a tomfoolery prereq.
They waive it for women.
This is lunacy.
We are not gonna start over as freshmen.
Hey, there's a freshman mixer tonight.
Are you guys freshmen? We can be.
This prank is amazing.
He's gonna come in here later and have the creepy feeling someone was in here.
We should go before we get caught.
Aren't we gonna do something? Do something? Mm-mm-mm.
All right.
A prank on a prank.
Let's move everything on his desk over an inch except his stapler.
Then he'll think we moved his stapler.
There's so many levels to this.
How about we fill his car with popcorn? That sounds messy.
That sounds messy.
Okay.
Keys.
Keys- Okay, I'm the dean.
I come into my office, turn on the light.
"Oh, my, did my stapler grow legs and move?" Then come over here for coffee.
I would hide my keys in Huh.
Hm.
Oh.
Heels.
Hmm.
You got skills.
Oh.
Look who got his ball.
Not my ball, your ball.
I wanted you guys to see it.
New Jeff.
Is that blood on your shirt? Oh, no, it's cool.
It's Leonard's.
Oh.
Oh.
Two balls.
Ha-ha-ha.
This is gonna be so good when I finally get it.
It's a little weird doing this without Abed.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll put my Britta twist on it.
I got skills.
I got skills.
Sorry.
Let's get this started.
We always do the first one together.
One, two, three.
A great school year.
A thousand wishes.
Great school year? First wish is always for 1000 wishes.
But we have all these coins.
Yeah, but the coins aren't the wishes.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I wish for Britta to have 499 of my remaining wishes.
Thank you.
I wish to end all wars.
That's another rule.
No wishes containing the word "all.
" Guaranteed ironic consequences.
I don't think anyone's gonna miss wars.
Uh, Star Wars, thumb wars.
Wow, Storage Wars.
Fine.
You can't get in.
I'm taking that penny back.
The pennies aren't wishes.
You can't flip a wish.
That's ridiculous.
Your rules are ridiculous.
They're Abed's rules.
They're awesome.
They always work.
Well, Abed's not here so unwish.
You can't do that.
I just did.
Unwish.
No.
Rewish.
Unwish.
Un-unwish.
Give me! Unwish! No! Uhn! No! Oh, I'm sorry.
What-- ? You're helping me! You're helping.
I like it.
Unwish! Unwish! Why does this feel good? Stupid, selfish Jeff coming here ruining our senior year.
Uh! Great, my G's are back.
It's crummy Jeff is leaving early, but we're all graduating eventually.
But why the rush? What, so Jeff can run off and be a gross lawyer again? Troy and Abed start drinking coffee? I become a boring hospital administrator? Who wants to do that? You do.
Right? Yay.
Hospital administration.
Can't wait to be buried alive under a pile of paperwork and bedpans, trying to summon the courage to ask out Dr.
Patel, the gorgeous neurosurgeon who doesn't know I exist.
This isn't a conversation, is it? Whoo-hoo.
The sad, slow march toward death begins.
Senioritis.
Ready, set Third ball.
Fourth ball.
Well, well, well.
Looks like someone wants to be a hero.
A big man.
A huge, throbbing, sweaty-- I wanna get my history credit and get out of here.
And I just need to know how bad you want it.
Next competition will be particularly difficult for some of you because it requires complete emotional commitment.
The tango.
I will be the judge.
There can only be one winner so choose your partners wisely.
Come on, Winger.
Water under the bridge, right? Partners? Sorry, my dance card's full.
For my partner in the tango competition, I choose the dean.
The fountain works.
All these balls.
I'm so close, I can taste it.
Pierce, only you could turn a freshman mixer into a disaster! I was this close to getting those two girls.
Look how close you're holding your fingers together.
That's your penis.
Guys, great news.
After just one forensics class, I found a way to retrieve our student records.
It turns out there's a backup, and it's in this safe.
Oh.
I have a theory, dean.
Do tell.
I don't think you want me to graduate.
Don't be absurd, Jeffrey.
I want success for all Greendale students.
Oh, really? Then answer me this.
What happened to the other history class? What other history class? The second history class, the one that actually taught history that disappeared from the schedule after I took summer classes.
You're telling yourself a fantasy.
Who really made those counterfeited ice cream tickets? Who's so good that they got your handwriting with its hearts and flourishes? Oh, God, you're right.
I can't let you go, Jeffrey.
You weren't supposed to compete.
You were supposed to walk away with the group.
You can't not get rid of me that easily.
Oh, God.
Why'd I make it feats of strength and grace? It's It's as if I wanted you to win.
But that can't be true.
Smile.
Best friends.
So let's hug it out.
Okay.
Here.
One more ball to go.
But it's another dance contest, so I think I got it.
What's wrong with Abed? Don't.
We're redoing our first three years.
That's what I want.
It's okay, Abed.
Here's a trick I use when I feel overwhelmed.
Just imagine a happy place and then go there.
Greendale Babies They're happy and they're free Greendale Babies Fun for you and me Greendale Babies forever Greendale Babies will be right back.
Forever.
Greendale Babies Pierce, what did you do to Abed? Gay balls.
Nailed it.
Don't ask.
Don't tell.
Poor Abed.
Is he in his imagination emporium? Dreamatorium? No, this seems like something new.
Abed was having some anxiety about all the changes this year so I may have told him to go to a happy place in his mind.
You told him to go somewhere in his mind? Do you realize who you told that to? The last competition to win a red ball begins in one minute.
Honestly, Jeff, you can go.
No one will think you're selfish.
This looks bad.
I wish I hadn't broken Abed.
There is one thing we could try.
Oh, okay.
Hey, let's play pretend.
Yeah, we could be cowboys.
We could be spacemen.
That's right, baby Pierce.
We can play forever.
It's not working.
What's not working? Okay, contestants, final competition begins right now.
God, I hate new Jeff.
Hey, guys, I have something to say.
Yay! Like always.
I was just outside Babyville.
There's nothing outside Babyville.
You know what? There is.
And it was scary, because change is always scary.
But then I thought of you guys, and I wasn't so scared.
Abed, when you brought this group together, you changed our lives.
But then we changed each other.
And we're gonna keep changing in unexpected ways.
We'll still be friends even if we don't all become professors at Greendale, open a restaurant, or move into the same apartment building after Pierce dies.
And even if we go somewhere, we're not going anywhere.
Aww That was a killer speech, Jeff.
I didn't say anything.
I literally just walked up.
I made the speech for you.
It hit all the right notes.
I was trying to hang on to this moment because I was afraid of the future.
But then I realized all of this was once the future.
It was different from what I'd known before, and it was happening so fast.
But in the end, or in the now, I guess, it turned out great.
And just like ice cream, we've melted together and made a new-- I just had to run the scenario to figure it out.
Sorry I missed the fountain.
It's okay.
Britta introduced a new rule: No rules.
We can discuss it.
When they were incepting, I got their balls.
Hey.
Over there.
Get out of the way.
Now that we're out of History of Ice Cream, I can finally take Advanced Claims Denial.
You should take forensics.
Hmm.
Can somebody tell me what the hell we just did? Jeffrey.
Jeffrey, wait.
What are you-- ? Oh.
You smell like the floor of a movie theater.
Yeah, but not for the usual reasons.
I have had the worst day.
Our dance photo didn't come out, someone moved my stapler, and, worst of all, I hurt you.
You'll be happy to know that we'll be offering another history class because I care about you.
Not because I found out if we don't offer a real history class, we'll lose $40,000 in grant money.
Thank you, dean.
You didn't have to come all this way to tell me that.
Oh, no, it wasn't a problem.
It's on my way.
Tell me you're breaking into that condo.
No, I bought it.
Now we'll be like almost roomies.
Oh, good, you got wine.
I've got Friends With Benefits.
Heh.
No subtext.
I don't know why I was so worried about change.
This year's gonna be great.
I'll be right over.
"Hello.
My name is Kevin.
I have Changnesia.
" Sure this will work? Guaranteed to.
It's an antic.
Ah.
Not so fast, you two.
Get ready to run.
In these heels? Where'd you girls get those dresses? They're fabulous.
Mm.
They're charming.
Oh.
Uh-uh.
Not so fast, mister.
Excuse you? Excuse me.
Thank you, sir.
Not for you.
Hello, it's Britta.
Okay, I know a man when I see one.
Oh, Lord, no