Community s04e03 Episode Script

Conventions of Space and Time

Take that, Blorgon.
Good show, inspector.
Oh, wow.
There are 50 years of these, huh? Yeah, isn't it great? We can go anywhere and any time in the universe.
But it will probably be London during the blitz.
I think I got Abed to agree to let you come to the Inspector Spacetime convention.
You watching Inspector Spacetime? Why does he wake up so early? Can't we just tell Abed we're sleeping together? No.
Abed's fragile.
We have to ease him into it, okay? Do we want him to freak out and have to rescue him from some world where submarines are small enough to enter the bloodstream? I totally wanna do that.
We need to go over the convention schedule again.
Go, go, go.
Just a minute.
Troy, it's a week away, and we need to revise our whole strategy.
I've printed out several maps of the convention center and color-coded the best potential routes.
I have longer strides, but your superior physical fitness will allow you to compensate with greater speed.
One thing's sure.
We need to save time by changing into our costumes in the car.
Curling iron.
Hi, Abed.
Just here for my breakfast date with Troy.
Oh Good morning, Britta.
I haven't seen you in over 12 hours.
Ha, ha.
I know you two are having sex.
I've known for weeks.
What? Why didn't you say something? I love doughnuts.
I can't count the reasons I should stay I need my sunglasses.
You don't need sunglasses to go to an Inspector Spacetime convention.
For an Inspector Spacetime convention, I'd need a bag to put over my head.
But Annie and I are going skiing.
That is the only reason I agreed to this road trip.
What are you doing here? I always come early to save my seat.
And what's this about a road trip? Look, Pierce, no one was trying to leave you out.
We just assumed you wouldn't be interested.
Which is why we left you out.
That's not fair.
Why can't I go to a Captain Warptime convention? Because you'll ruin it.
I'm getting sick of everyone assuming that I have nothing to offer.
In ancient Greece, it was considered an honor to invite a person my age to a space convention? We didn't invite Shirley either.
Well, that's better then.
All right.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, yo! Oh, I know.
I can't believe it, our first lnSpecTiCon.
It's beautiful.
Sure it's okay Britta's here? She can wait in the car.
It's cool.
Find the booth where they take the gluon photo.
Two people are fused together like the inspector and Reggie were bonded for eternity in episode 704.
Was there a female inspector? Everyone hates her.
Not because they're sexist.
She sucks.
Well, I think it's cool.
You're on your own, AI Capone.
Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.
Am I the only one freaked out by that? Abed was just showing that he's accepting of our relationship.
No, really.
What was it? Hey, Annie, sad news.
They closed the ski slopes.
A dozen scouts got buried in an avalanche.
So sad.
I say we cut our losses and head home.
We're already here.
We can have fun hanging out at the convention.
I'd have more fun hanging outwith the parents that are circling the block.
Why are people staring at you? They've never seen a man who's had sex before? How many of those do you have? Enough for the whole ride home.
UUhat? We wanted it to be a surprise.
You bear resemblance to Inspector Spacetime's super villain Thoraxis.
Now we're definitely leaving.
I've never been on an adult vacation.
This is the first time I've stayed in a hotel without a number in its name.
You can stay.
I'll be in my room.
The reservation's under my name.
Enjoy the nerds.
I will enjoy the Jeff won.
I know.
Abed, the gluon photo line looks really long.
We should get in it now.
Right after I find Toby.
Who's Toby? Ha, ha.
Toby Weeks.
The biggest Inspector Spacetime fan in the world.
We've been e-mailing for months.
You never mentioned him.
You've been busy lately having sex.
We talked about embracing change, so I'm expanding my social circle.
I just hope he makes it.
He works in Nigeria in banking.
He almost couldn't come.
His money was tied up.
I sent him £700 and a plane ticket.
He should be here.
Oh, Abed.
There he is.
You must be Abed.
Before I forget, here is your check.
Thanking you very much indeed.
You wouldn't believe how many people I e-mailed.
They completely ignored me.
Toby, this is Britta.
And my best friend, Troy.
Where's your constable? My best friend Andrew.
His wife wouldn't let him go at the last minute.
She's such a Minerva.
Yeah, yeah.
Minerva, what a bitch.
Was that the female inspector? Not in front of Toby.
Hey, gluon line, we should probably get in it right now.
Alternatively, someone might just happen to have a pair of tickets to the sold-out panel: Which inspector would win in a fight in space? Which inspector would win in a fight in time? We can get that photo later.
Yeah, later.
That was when I wanted to take it.
Are you sure Troy and Abed want us here? They do.
They just don't know it yet.
Remember, we're a couple of Captain Warphead fans.
Nobody will even notice we're here.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes? Will you come with us? Where? Why? When? Okay.
Room service.
Yes, I'd like to order some food.
And how many people will be dining today, Mrs.
Winger? Oh, I'm not-- Two.
Yeah, I'd like a turkey burger and a second turkey burger, but with no bun.
My husband doesn't do carbs.
But he would like a scotch.
And what kind of scotch would your husband prefer? The good kind.
I'll see what we can do.
Yes, Mrs.
Winger? Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but are you Nigel Cuthbertson, the actor who played Thoraxis? Call me Nige.
We have every right to be here.
I don't know if you're being sexist, ageist, racist, or what, but I don't think I like your "ist.
" Actually, we need your help.
We're focus-testing a new American version of Inspector Spacetime and you two represent several significant quadrants.
Oh, I don't know.
Your thoughts would be very valuable to us.
We're in.
Did you see-- ? Christmas special? Horrible.
When you consider what it set-- Brilliant.
Is that-- ? Let's go.
What about the photo? Do they even have to talk? They could just touch tentacles and download.
This is good because, you know, Abed's branching out and Toby's really, really great.
Troy, I have seen that look.
Girls have given me that look.
You are not being crazy.
That dude is trying to steal your boyfriend.
I'm gonna get a refill.
I mean, what if Abed wants to replace me? It makes me so angry and sad all at the same time.
I know, but you have to hide it.
Because for some reason, men find these feelings to be psycho.
And if you freak out, it's only gonna push Abed away.
Like I always say, if you love someone, set them free.
And if they don't come back to you, they were never yours to begin with.
That makes no sense.
What if they get hit or fall down a well? Remind me to not put you down as my emergency contact.
All right.
Play it cool.
Make nice with Toby.
So, what did everyone think? I thought it was pretty good.
I was confused.
And what confused you? The time travel mostly.
Also the space travel.
Anything else? How many clipboards you got? Raise the Klaxon.
Me lorry's plunging it into the Thames, methinks.
Hey, do you mind if I practice my American accent? I have an audition.
Of course.
You really are an Inspector Spacetime fan.
Ever since I was little.
What is it you like about the show? I think the show's philosophy poses some really interesting questions About the nature of-- I'm so sorry.
Bow before Thor-axis-.
This is my ringtone.
Bow before Thor-axis- Okay, seriously, what was it? You wear glasses? You have a back brace? Ha-ha-ha.
Say it.
I don't care.
And I asked myself, what does space smell like? You see, the thing of it Oh, hey, there you guys are.
Oh This is so nice, just three friends, friending around all unthreatened-like.
This is slightly embarrassing.
I seem to have forgotten your name.
It's Troy! You know it's Troy! Okay, it's the first part of Troy and Abed.
Toby and Abed in the morning? That's ridiculous.
I'm not psycho! Okay.
Uh, where was I? Troy's been acting weird.
Same with my constable when he got a wife.
I now have one ticket to the 50th anniversary convention in London.
DemiCenlnSpectiCon? It's soon and London's too far.
Creme Eggs are sold year-round.
I thought that was a legend.
Past life as an Just a minute.
Just a second.
I've got your hair dryer, Mrs.
Thank you, Randy, but it's not for me.
It's for my husband.
He needs the diffuser for his hair.
It sounds shallow, but he's a lawyer.
Actually, having dual careers has put a lot of stress on our marriage.
Hence the separate rooms.
But I think this trip is really gonna change all that.
My husband will finally see me not as a world-famous police detective, but as a woman.
Your husband's a lucky man.
That he is.
Tastes of bog.
You see? It's funny because it's clear.
I would like to say something.
I am friends with a couple of huge Inspector Spacetime fans.
I think what they like about the show is that it's smart, complicated, doesn't talk down to its audience.
So if you'd like to make a really good American version, you should stay true to that.
Hey, instead of this constable, what about a blonde with long legs and a tennis racket? Yeah.
Please, for me.
Bow before Normally we don't concern ourselves with adultery, because then hotels wouldn't exist.
But everyone here thinks you're so nice.
So I had to bring you down here.
I don't believe it.
He told me he was leaving.
Say your catchphrase.
I'd rather not.
What the hell is going on here? Suddenly our marriage isn't worth repairing? What? Wait, Nigel is married? That is so Thoraxis.
And your American accent isn't at all convincing.
We come all this way and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I am sick of it, Jeff-- Nigel Winger.
Can I get two more of these, please? Enough! This day has turned crazy.
I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in.
Oh, honey.
You went all psycho girlfriend on Abed, didn't you? Yeah.
I screwed up.
Classic Troy.
It's okay.
It happens to the best of us.
I got you a present.
A quantum spanner.
Yeah, it lights up or plays music or something.
Britta, would you agree to be bonded to me forever in the gluon chamber for an expensive photograph? Absolutely.
Thank you.
What? I can't wait.
We can visit the original Spacetime set.
I've got a spare bedroom.
Stay as long as you like.
Sounds great.
But I don't know if I could leave.
I have a life here.
For now.
What do you mean? Well, neurotypicals don't have the same focus you or I have.
They always get distracted by marriage, kids, competitive cooking shows.
Like your best friend David.
That's right.
Planning on coming even though you were trapped in Nigeria? Yeah, I wouldn't say trapped.
You went to me and not your friend for help? His wife deleted the e-mail.
She's a total Minerva.
You're dressed as the inspector famous for trying to strangle Dudley because they were pursuing Linda.
David doesn't exist.
You're mad.
Nothing you've said can prove that.
You said his name was Andrew.
All right.
Guilty as charged.
Look, I had to be sure, didn't I? When you sent that e-mail in which you figured out Inspector Spacetime is both his own grandfather and grandmother, I knew we were soul mates.
You and I are special.
Neurotypicals won't admit it, but some people are better than everybody else.
They can't handle it, so they leave.
Like how the brilliant inspector has constant adventures while his constables always return to their dull, ordinary Earth lives.
Maybe there's a reason the inspector always chooses a human companion.
His human friends keep him grounded and invested in the world, like with me and Troy.
If I could Winger you.
I don't know what that means.
Maybe all relationships are made up of logical inspectors and emotional constables, and we need both to make space and time a better place.
Maybe you're right.
Wait, wait.
Toby, Toby.
Toby, no.
Wait just a second.
Just playing a game.
You have to let me out.
Not until Stockholm syndrome sets in.
How long do you think that will be, hours? Would you love me if I got you a churro? Annie.
Annie, I have-- I'm not sure how much air there is in here.
And still you talk.
Troy will find me.
Who? You know who Troy is.
Troy will find me.
Okay, just hold it there.
Okay, and right here.
Everything okay? Everything's fine.
What is a gluon anyway? Can we stop talking about Abed? I'm sorry.
I can't.
It doesn't feel right.
It's okay, I understand.
Go to him.
Are you sure? I've told you before.
I don't care about Inspector Spacetime.
Where's Abed? He's packing.
He said you have a girlfriend and don't need him anymore.
He's coming with me to England.
You're lying.
How would you know? Because Abed's my friend, and he would have told me.
And he would have explained it to me in very clear terms because I get confused sometimes.
He's in there, isn't he? Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Troy.
Hey, Abed.
Toby, have you ever been in a fight? Because I have.
Oh, my God.
He can make a fist.
That would hurt harder than a slap.
He's in that one.
I know that.
You okay? I am.
You know, for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things, I knew someone would come.
Still wanna take the gluon photo? What do you think? YE, YE, Well, I just went upstairs and saw your room.
Saw the two robes, the two coffee cups, one with lipstick, one without.
And I saw actual hair that looked a lot like mine on my side of the sink, so I have some questions.
Oh, God.
First one, is that actually my hair? And, if so, did it fall out naturally? If it did, you need to tell me right now because I have to call science.
Also, what the hell is going on? All right, I may have been play-acting that we were married and then the staff thought you were cheating, and I had to save face.
Do I have to worry about this? No, I was just daydreaming.
I've married you at least a half a dozen times.
And Troy.
And Zac Efron.
Mostly Zac Efron.
Does Zac get a drink thrown in his face? I don't know.
I guess I was a little hurt that you ditched me.
I mean, we are friends, right? Would it have been that painful to hang out together? Well, I can tell you one thing your fantasy got wrong.
If we were married, you wouldn't find me flirting with another woman in a hotel bar.
But there are a lot of things that you think are fun that I wouldn't wanna do because I'm-- Older? Not lame.
Do you wanna hang out now? Can I buy you a drink? What do you want? An appletini.
Oh, God, don't make me order that.
Please? Please? Heh.
That is so great.
And I have a surprise for you guys.
Really pushing me here.
He's back.
Do you mind if we crash this party? That we already crashed.
Pierce, Shirley, I'm glad you made it.
It was rude of me not to invite you.
Just remember, Abed, I did my best.
We both did.
You're welcome.
So I guess we're taking off.
Actually, I'd like to stay for a little while.
Yeah? Yeah.
You don't have to do that for me.
Well, who says it's just for you? Guys, get your phones ready.
Because you are only gonna see this once.
Bow before Thoraxis! Get your camera out.
See, this is why I don't hang with you folks on the weekends.
Here we are, the 1960s, the greatest, grooviest period in the entire history of the entire universe.
I'm lucky.
I get to visit places like this because I can travel through time and space, but not both at once.
Do you know why that is, ensign? Because, Inspector Spacetime, our minds would be blown with the space-time confusion.
That's right.
And now I must sleep with the sexiest woman here who is also my grandmother.
Or I will cease to exist.
How do you know I'm not your grandmother? There's only one way to find out.
I hate you.

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