Community s05e01 Episode Script


I am the system.
I consume humanity.
There is no escape.
Objection! Jeff Winger, hero at law Best lawyer you ever saw Hero to freedom, defender of liberty South of the forty on Lincoln You park for free! Jeff Are you a good person being sued, oppressed, or beaten? I can help, and that's the Winger guarantee.
Call 555-her Maybe you should've spent less money on special effect.
Huh, thanks a lot, Francis Ford repo man.
[Morose piano music.]
Ohh, Jeff Winger! Loser at law Rented office in a mini mall Relax, tango.
I come in peace.
Way I see it, I screwed you.
I got screwed back.
Now we can bygone the bygones, because I got a juicy new client and a bone to throw you.
You hear about that bridge that collapsed upstate? A human could've said that without salivating.
I represent Marvin Humphries, the engineer who designed it.
He wants to seek damages.
From what? His own pencil? From the only school reckless enough to give him a degree in engineering.
City-funded school, deep government pockets.
Maybe you've heard of it.
Greendale Community College.
Weird choice, by the way, the bachelor's degree on the wall.
So you're gonna sue my old school and you're bothering to tell me? You have access there.
I need Marvin's records to prove that he was irresponsibly educated.
Well, why don't you just subpoena? Right, so they can have a shredding party.
See, that's the difference between you and Greendale, Alan.
They wouldn't shred evidence.
It's a good place for good people.
It's a diploma mill.
It turns idiots into bridge-collapsers and Jeff Winger into an attorney that thought he could help people? Jeff, I once saw you convince an arson victim that he liked his house better burned.
God, look what that school did to you.
It took all your money.
It took four years of your life.
And worst of all, it took your Winger moves.
I still got my Winger moves.
Prove it.
Get me Humphries' records.
Because the next bone you get thrown might be through a dude's zipper in the warehouse district, and I can't guarantee you it'll be from me.
Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power That was it.
That was all I had.
Give me some rope Tie me to dream Give me the hope To run out of steam Somebody said it can be here We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay One by one, they all just fade away Welcome back, human beings.
Dean Pelton here, wishing you another magic year at Greendale, ranked America's number two community college by GreendaleCommunityCollege.
Regarding the recent tragedy surrounding a certain collapsed bridge, we will be observing a moment of silence on the quad followed by four years of silence to the press.
I told you you'd be back.
Shut up, Leonard.
I'm not here.
I'm just a figment of your creeping dementia.
[Blows raspberry.]
How would I go about getting records for certain alumni? Why would you think a stranger could just walk in here and do that? - You're, uh, Rita.
- Rhonda.
I've always regretted not telling you how much you remind me of my aunt.
It's more disarming than it sounds.
I have a very attractive aunt.
Rhonda, why are you wearing Jeff Winger's [Gasps.]
Are you, uh, looking for your friends? They don't go here anymore.
Maybe you're looking for something that was in front of you the whole time just a pitch.
He's asking for records for a certain alumni.
In the midst of all this Marvin Humphries business, I doubt this is a coincidence.
You're here to save me, aren't you? - Yes.
- Oh.
I thought I might contact alumni to form a committee The Save Greendale Committee.
- Working title.
- Jeffrey, I'm gonna cry.
- Please don't.
- Request denied.
Rhonda will let you in the records room.
It's actually your old study room.
After you and your friends left, it was closed for sentimental reasons.
And asbestos reasons, but it's clean as a whistle now.
"Harassment Reports," "Hazardous Waste Citations," "Herpes Comma Water Fountains.
" Come on.
Where's Humphries? I see your value now.
- Abed, why? - "I see your value now.
" It's a callback to when we met first season.
And me calling years "seasons" is a callback to my first season dialogue, and me calling Abed, I know what makes you off-putting, but why are you here? The Dean called me about the Save Greendale Committee.
- Can I join? - Well, I - Oh, no.
Who else did he call? - Just me.
I called everyone else.
[Excited squealing and cheering.]
Jeffrey! Jeff! [All squealing.]
- Is that cool? - It's the coolest.
Jeff, if you wanted to save Greendale, why didn't you call us first? Well, you guys just got sprung from this joint, and I figured you had careers to get started.
- Yeah, working hard.
- Ah, yes.
[All talking over each other.]
[Conversation peters out.]
What have they done to our home? The table's buried.
[Britta and Annie whine.]
I got it.
This is where we became a family.
Jeff made us a family.
We could repilot it.
This could be like Scrubs season nine, a revamp, a do-over.
Jeff could come back to Greendale as a teacher.
I'm not gonna be a teacher, Abed.
That's lame.
Come on.
Sit in your chair.
Complete the table.
We want to help you save Greendale.
ALL: Yeah! Greendale! Greendale! Greendale! I got to go to the bathroom.
Mm, give him space.
Repiloting can be intense.
New people show up.
Regulars shift roles or even fall away.
Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
That son of a bitch.
After everything scrubs did for him? I'm sorry.
[Knocking at door.]
Vision boarding.
Okay, vision boarding! Oh, hi, Jeffrey.
Dean, I have to warn you about something, because it's the right thing to do.
But first, why is there a big empty box on your desk that says "Humphries" on it? Okay, the press has been calling about Humphries, and I didn't want any details about his enrollment here to be spun against us, so now there are no details.
Oh, ooh.
That was his thesis.
[Legos clatter.]
Okay! So sue me! This ain't Harvard, Jeffrey.
Okay, my job is to give a certain number of degrees per year, or we could get shut down.
And that would be bad because Ah, because then I wouldn't have a job.
And, you know, Greendale is a good place for good people.
That whole spiel, huh? Yeah.
That whole spiel.
[Line ringing.]
Shock me by impressing me.
- He shredded Humphries.
- What? I told you! How could you let this happen? Sir, I have to ask you to leave the concierge desk.
Jeff, this case was all I had.
I am screwed! My wife left.
My girlfriend dumped me.
And they're sisters, so now the whole family's pissed.
Shut up.
Bring me all the paperwork for filing a class action.
Letters of intent, engagement, everything.
Multiple copies.
Winger, you just lost our client! Yeah.
But I can create five new ones.
It's so dusty.
Let's get this off the table.
And that's the Winger guarantee.
Okay, maybe we should bring strong fundraising ideas - That aren't bake sales - Hey.
Or opening a zoo where the humans are in cages and the animals come to visit.
- G'oh! - [Groans.]
Are you okay, Jeff? You left kind of freaked out.
Well I can't stop thinking this school might be in trouble because of this bridge-collapsing guy.
He's the one making bad bridges.
That's like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.
Sometimes a student will claim, in court, that their school ruined their life, and they'll win.
You want to save Greendale? - Make it litigation-proof.
- How? Think like the enemy.
How did Greendale damage you, Annie? It didn't.
I love hospital administration.
- Is that your job? - Wellnot yet.
But I administer things to hospitals, like these.
Pen? "Futurza"? They're a rising star in pharmaceuticals.
They invented fibromyalgia and the cure for fibromyalgia.
You push drugs now? That's ironic.
I push pens, Britta.
Speaking of irony, how's the therapy market? - Depressed? - I'm on sabbatical.
You're jewish? I'm doing hands-on research about the psychology of alcoholism.
You're a bartender, aren't you? Which is basically like a modern-day therapist.
If somebody tells me about a murder, I can't tell anyone.
Wow, you're even bad at bartending.
What about you? Abed's working on the next billion-dollar social media app.
And when it takes off, all I got to do is sue him.
It's fool-proof.
You're programming now, Abed? Didn't get any work with your four-year film degree? One job, directing a commercial.
- Still haven't been paid.
- I'll cut you a check tomorrow, but just so we're clear, you quit.
Creative differences.
I asked you to put the phone number on the screen.
I didn't like the number.
It's the number of my business.
It sounds fake.
How can every number start with 555? Are there only 10,000 numbers? Abed, you quit? You said you got fired.
You haven't paid the rent of our apartment in two months.
Well, why don't you sell him a pill that will help him give up on his dreams? Relaxabrex doesn't make you give up on your dreams.
That's a side effect.
At least the drugs I sell don't get slurped out of my belly button.
That's only on Tummy Tuesdays! - Oh, it's okay - Oh, I'm sorry Andre left again.
It's It's not like last time.
He's staying with family.
He took the boys.
He took the dog.
He took the D.
It was my fault this time.
I cheated on him with Shirley's Sandwiches.
I threw the money into expanding.
I just didn't think I could fail.
Well, just so you know, this is the sort of stuff that someone could use to make a claim against a school.
[Cell phone chimes.]
I have to go to the bathroom again.
While I'm gone, I want you to think about what I said as an exercise.
Do you guys feel weird about doing this without Magnitude? That's everything you asked for.
Who are you flipping? My friends, who are now the Save Greendale Committee, which I created.
Classic Winger.
I forgot what it was like to be good at being bad.
So just close the deal and bring it home to daddy, eh? Oh, sorry, Alan.
Change of daddies.
I'll take it from here.
No, no, but it's my case.
Humphries was your case.
Jeff - You're scaring me.
- Good.
Guys like you should be more scared.
You trust-funded, body-sprayed, Eli-Roth-DVD owner You're an amateur monster, Alan, and you stomp in the grave of a real monster who was willing to stay buried because real monsters have shame, because they wish that You're not worth the monologue.
- Give me your tie.
- What? No monologue for you.
Give me your tie.
That's for making me go to this school.
That's for making the last four years happen.
And now I get to make them un-happen for me and the only people I care about.
I failed my husband.
I failed my kids.
I've failed Bones.
I'm helping to hook a whole new batch of little Annies on Adderall.
I've been spending so much time with computers, your tears are just ones and zeroes to me.
Yeah, you were a real Hallmark card before.
I'm much sadder than the rest of you.
I will figure out why later.
Jeff, full disclosure Our lives are worse than the day we got here.
Well, that is a serious allegation to arrive at all by yourselves.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
And we've come to a decision as a group, and please don't judge us for suggesting it.
Hey, I'll back you up no matter what.
We decided to re-enroll at Greendale.
What? Are you nuts? [All chanting.]
Greendale! Greendale! Greendale! Greendale! You guys want to keep it down? [All scream.]
- Chang? - Kevin? Chang.
I've dropped the amnesia thing, copped to my crimes, and went to jail.
Now I'm on work release.
- Working as what? - Math teacher.
Next, explain the pajamas.
Well, I'm on work release from house arrest, but I don't have a home.
See this? This won't let me travel and this only has a 30-yard cord, so I can only travel Whatever.
You do the math.
- You said you teach math.
- Exactly.
I teach it.
You do it.
Chang was faking his Changnesia? They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school? After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher.
That's insane, and I'm Abed.
Worse than insane.
- Evil.
- I don't believe in evil.
But this school clearly got a finger up its butt as a child.
This place ruins lives.
If that were true, then what could we possibly do about it? [Slow clapping.]
Make 'em dance, Winger.
Ew, Jeff, what's your evil old legal Nemesis doing here? Nemesis? No, we were partners again until I lost my usefulness.
I may be evil, but your friend here is so much more dangerous.
Tell 'em how it took you to make them think they wanted to sue their own school.
I did it.
Anyway, I'll leave you to pick up these pieces.
I'm gonna go score some blow.
My dealer's a gym teacher here.
You were lying to us? I never lied to you.
I showed you the right truth.
Britta, when we met, you were an eclectic anarchist.
How did you become the group's airhead? Thank you? And, Shirley, you've gone from an independent divorcee striking out on her own to a bankrupt fry cook hoping for a call from her husband.
Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man.
You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.
And what happened to Annie the Unstoppable Go-getter? Well, there was that gas leak last year.
Oh, don't blame it all on the gas leak year.
This was a four-year process.
We went in one end as real people and out the other end as mixed-up cartoons.
- Cool.
- Sure.
This coming from the guy who's had how many psychotic breaks on campus? Are we including the gas leak year? You all came here with a chance to be something, and you all had that taken away from you.
Get something back.
Seek damages.
Sign here.
But you're our hero.
I mean, in the commercial The commercial was a lie.
You staged a robot fight? Yeah.
In real life, the robot wins.
Troy? If Jeff didn't change, then Jeff is right.
Case closed.
Let's make some money.
Okay, Jeff, if this is what you really want to do.
I'll sign.
The choice to make is yours.
No, it's yours.
We're putting Greendale in your hands.
Do we all have to say something? - No, you can just sign it.
- Okay.
- You brought us together.
- With lies.
But what you do is above lying, remember? You show us the right truth.
You won't regret this.
[All cheer halfheartedly.]
I'd like to take the study room table in back and burn it.
Burn it? Why? The same reason I never returned Time Bandits to Blockbuster.
Nobody else deserves it.
Jesus! Looks as if you've lost your way.
Pierce? Continue on this path, and you might miss your last chance to see the Pierce Hawthorne Museum of Gender Sensitivity and Sexual Potency on the central quad.
The museum and this hologram were donated in compliance with a court order I'm not allowed to discuss.
Let's just say some women can't take a compliment.
What I am allowed to discuss is Greendale, and I'll say this Don't turn your back on it.
Take it from a man with no legal right to be there.
You're in a special place.
A crappy place, sure, but only because it gives crappy people a chance to sort themselves out.
Did I sound gay at the end? Do you want to do another take? Ahh! Jeffrey, I'm not decent.
I know.
These are the signatures of the five people that are crazy enough to care about this toilet.
And tonight, I almost got them to sue it.
- Heed the warning! - It's not easy being Dean, Jeffrey! Then stop being the Dean! It's my whole ideantity! I mean, wah, see what I did there? That's proof! Get your crap together.
Your job is not to hand out degrees.
Your job is to make this a toilet that people don't have to be crazy to care about.
But you could stay here and help me save the school.
For how much money? I-I can't offer you any money.
I could offer you a job.
You just described slavery.
I mean, there's nothing in the budget for school saver, but I could hire you as [Sighs.]
Screw you, Abed.
I'd be depressed right now if these samples from work weren't giving me a new outlook on life.
If you're interested in learning more, ask your doctor if Joyvatrex is right for you.
Oh, honey.
If we sue Greendale, can I be a surprise witness? Wait.
Don't tell me.
Stop! We shouldn't sue the school.
- Ohh.
- Come on! Are you trying to give us emotional whiplash? Look, if you feel there's more work to be done on yourselves, then as crappy as this place is, it's a place that you can do it.
You got a job teaching here, didn't you? I don't want to talk about it.
Well, then, I'm getting back into forensic science.
That was my actual dream.
It's my fault I bailed on it.
A film degree doesn't make me a filmmaker.
I need to learn how to work with other people.
- I need to figure out who I am.
- I'll help you.
Get out of my brain.
I need to learn how to really run a business by my own standards, not Greendale's.
I'm gonna get a four-year psych degree, then a master's, and become a real psychologist.
Or you could find another major.
A real psychologist.
- How about English? - Psychology.
All right, what's important is, no matter what, we'll be trying to talk Britta into doing something different together.
Burn, hopelessness.
[All scream.]
- We got this.
- Oh, my God, be careful! [Both yelling.]
Little victories count for a lot around here Wow, this is good.
Even if you never asked to win in the first place.
And you have to enjoy those nice moments while you can.
See, he does a voice-over wrap-up at the end of every episode.
- Wow.
- Cool.
Because around here, they never last very long.
__ Once more.
More teachery.
I want to kill myself.
Use that.
Are you a good person? Yes, unlike you.
I canguarantee.
The Wingerbeatenyou.
Not anymore.
[Dramatic rock music.]
[Lasers whooshing.]

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